Wednesday I decided to do what most of you told me to do, travel. I went out, got a boat ticket, and went to Puerto Rico. No hotels, no houses, no other people.Just me and my car. I was having the time of my life speeding in the hills and going round corners like a mad man until i heard 3 loud bangs and the engine turned off…. when i lifted my bonnet up my engine was fried, my battery was soaked in yellow liquid, and my exhaust was cracked…. The one thing i looked after in this world was dead….. I had to wait 5 hours until a wrecker came. Now that i had no car and i had not made any arrangements for a hotel, i had to sleep in my broken, smelly merc. The next day I went out and looked for an airport to gtfo of there. I was leaving the car in a storage building, soon to be sold. When i finally got to an airport, i went to the first ticket office, and i got robbed…So, strapped for cash i looked for some kind of moneygram so i could get another ticket, when i finally found one, it was in a shopping mall (which im quite afraid of all the people). I finally got the money and my ticket and i gtfo’d. I had 5 hours of anxiety attacks when i was on that horrible plane….
Time Of My Life
Sooo.. Recently I have been having suicidal thoughts for several reasons. Most of them I’m sure no-one will ever understand, because we all view the world differently, what may mean the world to someone may mean absolutely nothing to another person, so with that in mind my suicide thoughts have done nothing for me but make me feel even worse about myself, but I am now realizing that life is hard on everyone, some just handle it better than others. now,Â my family means the world to me and 90percent of the time when I am soooo close to killing myself.. I think about how selfish id be, because I am just thinking about myself. not about how much damage I could be doing to my lil sisters and brother (family), and I wonder howÂ isÂ it going be when they have to talk about me or even them going through life knowing they had an awesome big sister that letÂ LIFE kick her ass, because she took the easy way out. or evenÂ worse, themÂ messing up their life and blaming it on my death…..Â no that’s not me. so yes right nowÂ I am going through the roughest time of my life SO FAR, but when I look back at it, there clearly had to be a good reason why I did what I did at the time or else I wouldn’tÂ of done it. sooo this is me making a promise to myself I am endingÂ my suicidal thoughts because im barley only 18,Â and what was my biggest problem a month agoÂ doesn’t even bother me now so with a little bit of time.. im sure what I was trying to kill myself over today.. will be my least worries in about a month. nothing last forever!
However, I would like to share what I am going through with someone. sooo feel free to hmu.
This is my story and i hope it gives all of you out there some hope.
I was always a good girl. I had friends not many but yea. First everything was good. I wasn’t the thinnest but I was happy with who I am. But when I came to 5th grade, all my friends were away. All of them were on another school. I thought it couldn’t be that hard to make new friends but it was. No one in my new class liked me. They called me names like fattie. Everyday I got home I went in my room and cried. I just cried, sometimes for hours. This was the worst time of my life and I thought it would never end. I had no friends till 9th grade. I began to cut myself and often thought about suicide. I thought about it more and more. Then there was this new guy in my class. He moved with his parents. I remember that day and I think I always will. It was 3rd september 2012. He sat next to me and this was nearly the best day of my life. We talked all the time and had fun together everyday. He’s my best friend now. One day he noticed all my scars – the ones on my arms, on my legs, my stomach everywhere. He asked me why I did this and he started crying. He helped me stop cutting. He’s the reason why I stopped thinking bout suicide. He gave me an old necklace of his grandma which is heart shaped. It gives me strength. I wear it every day all the time and it helped me a lot..
Believe in miracles â™¥
for a very very long time i have felt distanced from my family from people from life. i mean eight grade was the darkest time of my life… i faked my way out of a suicide/depression test so i could get out of therapy convinced i didnt have a problem i would never do anything its all words and words dont mean anything. but words mean alot and words can hurt a lot. for as long as i cna remember i have been pushed away by my parents. they have no love for me. i have two younger sisters who absorb all their attention and i get nothing. i work har din school i have never gotten below an 92% in any class and im taking massive amounts of AP classes. i get no recognition no love no approval. it was my birthday yesterday, and i love my birthday the one day that is supposed ot be all about me. my mom forgot to get me presents so i had a box of clothes that werent even the right size, i asked to get ice cream sandwiches for dessert and wihtin five minutes of her saying sure she had entirely forgotten and drove home almost refusing to get them. my sisters steal my gift cards if i get them, they wear my clothes stretch them out and ruin them, they steal my books, probably my most prized possessions i love reading i can leave this awful awful place. none of them have any love for me, and no respect. my father calls me a worthless piece of shit. i lost my best friend last may and have been floating ever since reaching for any kinds of emotional attachment. i dont talk to people i keep it all inside. im afraid of being judged and not being perfect. all i want is approval and the tiniest sliver of love and any kind of sign that one day this will get better. im counting down the days until i can leave for college. this is all really random i know. but all of it hurts me. all of it shurts me and makes me want to die. because i feel like nothing is going to get better. i will never be good enough i will never have anyone love me. i dont have any healthy relationships where i can talk to them without fear of being judged. i cry myself to sleep alot. most importantly i want to die. i want to be gone and have all of this over with because i dotn see a point. i will never get to be the broadway star i want to be because i have no support and no confidence in myself because of the fucked up world i live in. i know that i have some talent, but without suport and confidence i have nothing. i just want to leave. and im stuck in this house all night. i want to die. i wont get asked to prom ever, im not that girl even though i want to be. I’m sad. im really really sad. and im lonely. have you ever read the bell jar? read it its the biggest descritption of how i feel. i just want it all to be over.
I’m a freshmen in college-Best time of my life, right? Here’s what I have accomplished,Â failing classes, attempting suicide, countless anxiety attacks, depression and a stay at aÂ mental ward for a week.
Yeah,Â I tried to kill myself-I took…I don’t even remember how many handfuls of Tylenol. For awhile, the pills took away the pains I felt from either depression or the anxiety. I couldn’t feel anything. I banged my head against the wall-Nothing. I kept taking them, my heart was either beating too fast or too slow, I couldn’t tell which though. I got in the shower with my clothes on and just laid there. I was in and out, drifting and not knowing if I was going to die. I ended up calling people, subliminally saying goodbye and my best friend saw through my BS. He convinced me after about three hours to call my mom.
She never took me to the hospital.
See, my mom was an EMT so she’s the parent we all go to for medical stuff. But my mom is also a crazy bipolar sinister drug addict. We had a fight and I got her in trouble with my dad, she became resentful-just like the old days. Obviously, taking so much pain reliever would make me sick. Here’s what my mom did, she gave me a tranquilizer. I woke up-have asleep-half conscious throwing up and passing out. Now, I’m no doctor, but you would THINK that the one thing you would not do to a personÂ that has overdosed-is give them something to put them to sleep.
They sent me back to school the next day when I told them I was failing a class. I had a horrible headache. I went back home Friday for Easter-that whole weekend I was sick out of my mind.Â Skin yellowed, blood shot eyes, no sleep, constant headache and pressure in my skull, liver pain and swelling, hearing voices. I was sleepless for five days. And I went to my mom and my dad-telling them I was sick-that something was wrong and they saidÂ it was all in my head.
So, when I started feeling better back at school, I went to see a counselor.Â Guess what? I got stay in a hospital over night then in a mental clinic. I just wanted someone to help me. I’m 18 and I was the youngest person among addicts, alcoholics and the mentally ill. Can you-just for a moment imagine this…
-Never even being in a hospital alone before
-Admitted into a mental institution
-No phone calls
And here’s the best part, it’s not like I wasn’t allowed to have phone calls or visitors-it was that no one came. No one called. I have two parents, siblings, family-and they left me alone. Why? “Tough love”. Because they think I WANTED to be committed. They yelled at me so much that I told my grandparents-and my grandpop yelled at my mom for yelling at me.
It’s been a little over a week since then, I don’t go home. School ends in a few weeks and I know I’m failing. I was prescribed mood stabilizers that kind of help but it’s up and down.
I’m still alone.
Drugs. That’s what caused all this. There is lump in my throat telling me i dont think anyone will truly understand theÂ absolute s**t it does to you, but who knows. So here is my story..
*Note* I am deeply ashamed of this, and i try to forget about it as much as i can. (i have not re-read this because it was hard enough writing it, im sorry about any spellingÂ mistakes)
Grade nine was my first year of school ever (i was home schooled) so walking in the doors of that high schoolÂ healed a lot more then desks and teachers, it healed experiences. I didnt know where i really fit in with all these people who went to middle school together, but i wasnt that worried because i know it was the first week, weeks went buy and i ment this guy named Trevor* he was very nice and kind but also a big stoner, i did not think much of it because i know i wouldnt do anything, he liked me because i wasnt your Â typical high school girl, i have never kissed a boy and i thought it was a big deal. Any way long story short he got me high for the first time in November of grade nine, it was great, i had a good time, good friends doing it with, it was great. A day later my mom found out because i skipped a class and she read my phone and lucky for me she gave me a month and half grounding -_- it was the end of the world then. I stopped hanging out with them for the rest of grade 9 and i started hanging out with these girls named Jamie* andÂ Jordan*, and by the time summer came, we were getting high everyday of the summer, and i mean 3- 5 times day smoking weed. Towards the end of the summer i was caught once again and this time i put up a fight saying i was gonna run away blah blah blah (man i feel so ashamed looking back on it now). So my parents grounded me for 5 months, but this time taken out of first and third class because they were scared i would *smoke up between classes* they put me in drug therapy and the whole thing was the worst time of my life and i tried to kill myself during that time, i took about 18 advils but my friends talked me out of it, i stopped hanging out with Jamie and Jordan. After the five months i was good for a while but when the summerÂ rolledÂ around again, i started smoking again, but this time it was weed and about a pack of cigarettes a day, i was hanging out with older people, and i felt good cause i had a place to go and just get away from reality, we did a lot of drugs that summer, like Pot, Riddelen, Cocaine, Morphean, it was just a crazy summer, but towards the end of the summer about 2 weeks before summer started i was caught again. And my parents knew…EVERYTHING. i think a girl i was hanging out with once told my older sister, i was so mad. But this time instead of fighting back i told them i would never do it again, they gave me about a month grounding, that was it. When i got off my grounding i started smoking and drinking again with different older people, thats when i started to really get into cocaine, i did it about 3 times a day, before school, at school, after school, for about 2 months, it was getting out of control so i stopped, cocaine wasÂ actually not that hard to get off of for me, it was the cigarettes that was a bi**h. So i stopped on December 4th 2012, and i have been sober ever since. Okay well to be honest, i have drinkin about 3 times since then, but i was never really a drinker, and i dont really like drinking it so its not something i would do unless for a special occasions. The cigarettes by far is the one that is still fighting with me, i crave them still, and its so hard. I just want to have a pack or two just now and smoke them all, it scares me a little when i think about when i leave my house that i can have as many as i want, and i hate it, and seeing a picture of someone smoking is hard, or smelling smoke on someone after they have come in from having one, i am still fighting not going to get high and get all my friends back who f’en left me when i stopped, i have been alone since i stopped but i am closer with my family which is great, and my marks have been a lot better, but there is still that part of me fighting, fighting all the time to not go back to that place that stole me – Esila
For years I’ve been miserable. At night in high school I would lock my door at night before I went to bed. I would stay up until 3 or 4, or sometimes not go to bed at all. I’d cry and listen to music like a lot of insecure guys would like me. just made me feel worse and worse. Somewhere around 2, i’d finish my homework. And then get up at 630. High school=tiring.
College was better, but not much better. I started taking adderall since I took some and felt okay with myself for the first time of my life. Something like loving myself. But really only when I was taking it regularly. I never abused it or sold it.
I found a girlfriend. She was pretty and we got along. Then I started to disappoint myself. I broke up with her over Facebook after a year and a half of being together. I felt the need to make more mistakes before I settled down with anybody. I shrugged it off.
Then I met someone who challenged me. In every way. I was nervous all the time, but when I succeeded, if felt like happy to be me. It was real love.
Then my insecurities caught up to me. She tried to tell me to keep it together but I never could. Months and one-night stand mistakes later, I end up not talking to her. She says I need to see a therapist and feel happy about myself.
I hate who I am. I always have. I can’t see anything worth liking about myself, and I couldn’t love anyone because of it. I’m setting up appointments to see a therapist soon, but I hope no one ever hands me a gun and leaves me in an empty room. The temptation would be too great.
Enough about me. What’s your story?
I think about it every night before falling asleep. You know, that time when you are supposed to be winding down, lying in your bed in the darkness with nothing but your over active brain that won’t shut up to keep you company. Sifting through memories that you long to experience over again. Feelings you’ve felt, decisions you wish you could alter.
I’m going to end it.
I was spoiled growing up. I have an older brother and a younger sister, so that makes me the middle child and the second boy. I was created for the sole purpose to give my brother someone to play with whilst growing up. I am intelligent, but lack willpower, motive and courage. Throughout elementary and middle school I was always known as one of the “smart kids”. One of the kids who got straight A’s, finished tests and quizzes first. But then I hit high school. I wanted toÂ be somebody. I wanted to be known. So I started lying.
I have lied so many times about so many things I had even convinced myself I the stories I conjured up were true. The worst part is, it worked. I became popular. I had too many friends to know what to do with. My entire highschool career was the best time of my life, because literally EVERYONE knew who I was. I was labeled as a “man-whore” and lets face it, in highschool, being a man-whore is on par with a king. I was funny, smart, witty and of course, I made fun of the less fortunate. Those who were ugly, unpopular, dressed funny, looked funny, smelled strange and those who didn’t realize lying was the key to stardom. I had a new girlfriend every month, teachers loved me because I could hold intelligent conversations, hell,Â I even sold some of my shirts and jackets because people literally wanted toÂ be me.
Then college came. August 2008. I fucked up too much in HS, pretending to go to parties and raves, saying I did all these cool things, when in reality all I did was stay home and play video games night after night. Just more lies. So I ended up going to a community college near my home. But of course, a lot of my graduating class also went to the same community college, so my reputation followed me. I made new friends at college, but they soon learned about how “cool” I was, about how I was a man-whore and raved and partied a lot. There was no escaping it. I Wanted to use college as a way to start over, to make new friends andÂ not have to lie anymore. But it didn’t work. I was soon overwhelmed with depression. I stopped going to classes and soon got kicked out.
Met a girl in college who I ended up dating in 2010. The only love of my life. My now ex-fiancee’. We were together nearly a year when I proposed, for I was enlisting in the USAF to get a fresh start. We had everything planned. We were to be married, so she could live with me wherever I got sent for tech school. We picked out the names of the children we would be having together. We fit so well together. We were both gamers, loved the same kind of music, amazing sex, just everything was great. But I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle basic training, because I am a coward. I created another lie to get sent home from basic, ruining my future int he process. I was at a loss. I couldn’t believe I decimated my future because I am so flawed, because I lack courage. So I ended up making more mistakes. For some stupid reason, I got a thrill from beingÂ wanted. One thing lead to another and my fiancee’s had found pictures of a chic who lived in another state on my email. The chic wasn’t naked, but it didn’t matter. She felt betrayed. I thought I lost her. So I did the worst possible thing I could ever do. I went and hung out with an old Highschool friend of mine and ended up making out with her. That chic told my ex because she felt guilty and then she left me. My fiancee’s left me because she said she’d never be able to trust me again.Â PerfectlyÂ logical. It was my own fault. I had the perfect future set up for us and I blew it, demolished one dream after the next.
I’ve spent the better part of the last two years trying to get over my ex-fiancee’. I’ve tried everything from attempting to date again, to just finding a friends with benefits. To trying alcohol and drugs. Nothing works. I think about her every single night. And here I am now, on the eve of being flown out to PA for job training, a new job that would probably get me out of the massive amount of debt I am in, and I can’t do it. I am so scared, anxiety is killing me. The people around me scare me, I always think their judging me, I can’t even leave my house. I’m sitting here now, reading letters my ex-fiancee’ wrote me while I Was in basic, looking at pictures she gave me, holding a pistol my brother gave me as a groomsmens gift at his wedding, thinking “its only one trigger pull away”.
I’ve tried seeing therapists, but they always spew the same crap. I literally can guess what their going to say before they say it. It’s embarrassing, really. For them. There are so many details from this story that I Am missing, but my mind is a mess. This loaded pistol is feeling lighter and lighter as the hours pass by and I can only take comfort in the fact that the last thing Ill ever see is a picture of the one woman I’ve truly loved.
I am 22 years old. I am male. I had it all, was set up from the beginning for success. But my own selfish decisions annihilated any hope I have of redemption. I don’t deserve to be here.
So yea, im horny am im going to have the time of my life b4 i go, i have my method already.. im juzt having tons of sex b4 i do it
i’m a 16 year old girl. never done anything bad really, except for white lies and secret boyfriends (from my parents). But I guess it is what has led me to how I feel now.
It’s started since 6 years ago when my sister became a disappointment to my parents. And well, coming from a South Asian culture,Â stereotypical, it had to do with the influence of the Western society, new found independence (she was 18) and lack of grades. It costed my parents a lot and that I understood. After that year abroad, she had to return to India and took my mother with her, I was still at my enclosed and cutoff home with my dad. Although they tried keeping me from the situation, it was inevitable for me to find out. And once i found out, I felt it as a responsibility to never let my parents down. And I became their second chance. For the past six years of my life, with my mother away from me for 4 of those years, I have been dealing with their problems, being there to listen to them. And they’ve confided in me, not only their problems, but their aspirations, and their future plans. Just recently, I was given a chance to go abroad, for boarding school. And there has been a lot of pressure. But there were problems adjusting.
Being my parent’s last chance, I didn’t know how to interact with people by myself. And this has led to a lot of misconstruedÂ communicationÂ between friends and teachers and people I interact with on a daily basis. And there’s awkwardness. I am the socially awkward penguin with a twist ofÂ unspectacular-ness. And this has taken its toll on me in my relationships, with friends and guys. And now, things have jumbled up into one big mess, with everyone around me thinking I’m a fraud and my parents thinking I’m having the time of my life. And I am. Not having the time of my life but being a fraud. So I feel trapped, lost, and foundÂ solaceÂ in abusing myself, but the pain has become so strong that abusing myself with pain is not enough to block out the emotions I feel. Because the thing is, in my desperate attempt to please my parents, I hid from the world. My friends were those who kept leaving, until everyone left and no one else was there. I feel so pathetic that I cant even get someone to care about me long enough to be comfortable to talk to them — especially about this. I have a few friends left and I can’t expect them to understand, because then they will last for a shorter period of time. Gaining friends from “being who you are” cannot apply to this situation because I don’t even know the answer to the basic question I’m stuck with: Who am I?
Do you believe in signs?
The most important relationship of my life ended a while ago. The relationship with the love of my life; the only person with whom I’ve felt such a strong connection. Stronger than that between my mother, my sister, all of my family. Stronger than anything I’ve felt with my friends(whom I consider to be my true family).
Both of us are mentally ill, suffering from similar maladies. Yet, one year ago(pretty much to the date) I was going through what I then considered to be the most trying time of my life. I was going on trial for a DUI with the possibility of facing jail time. I wanted the support of my girlfriend. I told her I needed her, but she was going through her own stresses from being in law school and couldn’t be there for me. She said I was demanding too much from her. The relationship ended days later. Only several days after she confessed her love to me.
I was heart broken, in complete anguish, suffering at a level I’d never experienced. I was on a medication(prozac) that was wrong for me that only exacerbated the whole experience. She no longer wanted to talk with me after she repeatedly called me and I didn’t answer(this was after a mentioning of suicide). I didn’t want to talk with her as I was drunk 🙁 The next day I called to apologize, but she’d blocked my number. It threw me into a tumult of terror. I didn’t know what to do.
I emailed her multiple times purveying my apologies. I received no response. In my panic – my desperation – I filled a prescription for sleeping pills and antidepressants. I told her if she didn’t contact me I’d kill myself. I took 60 pills. The ambulance came and I was “saved.” Â The next day after not hearing from her I try to slit my wrists. Not in an attempt to talk with her but in an attempt to truly die. My soul was beaten. However, neither she nor God nor the Devil wanted me.
I never heard from her. I never heard her voice again. She filed a restraining order. It ends in a month and a half, but I know she doesn’t want to hear from me. So, I can never talk to her again.
I understand that everything I did was wrong. And I’m soÂ very sorry for my behavior. But God nor she will forgive me. Yet, I’ve experienced what I can only interpret to be signs that its not over yet.
1 – I completed a profile on a business networking site. Listed as recommended contacts was both she and her lawyer, side by side.
2 – I randomly go to a college football game where during the halftime the band performs a song that she sang at a concert the last week we were dating.
3- Sitting beside me at the football game is a complete stranger. A woman. A brunette. Now, the game is at an HBCU so there aren’t many anglos there. But, this woman is sitting Â right next to me bearing the same features as my ex. During the game she grabs my hand and tells me what I’m doing is a bad habit. What was I doing? I was fiddling with my fingernails, which my ex always complained about.
There have been many other things that I would consider signs, but none that I consider to be so apparent. Were they just coincidences?
I love her so much. Why won’t God help me? I understand there is free will but all I want is another chance. I just need someone, God, to have faith in me and in what I know, which is that I can give her the world. I can give her everything she needs and wants if only I have the chance.
It’s heart breaking. It’s destroying my soul. I’m falling down a self-destructive path as I try to find a way to plead for help from someone and find no one there with an answer.
I give up everything willingly for just one chance to show her what I know. She’s the love of my life and I don’t want to be with anyone else. I can never give of myself what I gave to her to anyone else.
Can’t anyone help me?! Can’t you hear me pleading, screaming? Why won’t God help me?
What am I supposed to do? Weren’t they signs?
16 and on the verge of suicide, I’ve tried hanging myself before and that would of been the most exciting/scariest time of my life. I just wanted my life to be over, not only that it was scaring knowing I’d never be here again, but who wants to live life in constant misery. I just wish I could die, I feel like jumping in front of a train every time I sit and wait for the train every morning, I think one day I will actually do it, as I can no longer go on feeling the way I do. I’m done with everyone, and faking this smile everyday has really worn off, I’m ready to end everything. I just want to be dead.
I’m a twenty year old in college… and there’s a lot that’s happened in the past few years that has made me question life in its entirety. Prior to my senior year in high school, my father was diagnosed with lung and esophagus cancer. It was a difficult struggle to see the dramatic changes my life took in terms of my family, friends, and my responsibilities. I took it upon myself to acquire a job and help with the family. I fought and struggled and did my best to help with the family in hopes that my father would get better. I haven’t seen my dad in two years. He passed away in April of 2007. For all my efforts, they were in vain. I was happy that my father didn’t suffer anymore, but at the same time, I was devastated for my loss. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the things I’ve seen such as watching someone I love slowly wither away.
I chose to go to a college close to home to be able to see my family and help them. In the beginning, my time at college was fun and a new life experience. However, after three long years at my school, I despise the place. I hate its environment, the people, and the dynamic of my school. I took this past spring semester off of school to figure out my life, to figure out what went wrong. My college life does not compare to my life at home. I tried changing things and was always hoping for a better future, but I doubt it will get better.
A year ago, I met someone incredible. In every way she was what I always wanted in someone else. It was incredible and probably the happiest time of my life. For the lack of a better word, it was perfect. A few months with her and I left for a “vacation”. I use the quotations because it was a trip forced upon me by my family. I never wanted to go. During that “vacation”, she left me for someone else. Rejection and breaking up is a part of life I understand that and although it hurt, it couldn’t amount to the pain of the unforeseen consequences of my previous involvement with her. The day I came back from my “vacation”, she cheated on her boyfriend with me. This proceeded on for this past year, with every attempt to stop it. Knowing it was morally wrong but unable to deny my emotions for her. I hate myself for my mistakes and couldn’t accept myself anymore. I made several attempts to end my life in Fall semester, which terrified me to no end. I reached out to my friends and family, but there advice in my time of need was perceived as judgmental and harsh. I sought help from my school and was committed to a psychiatric ward for a week. I was there for help, but felt like a prisoner. I finished my fall semester at college with a 3.0 cumulative GPA and a 3.31 GPA for the semester. I made the Dean’s List for the second consecutive semester, but I was in no way proud or happy… I was miserable.
During my time off, I sought to better myself… and find happiness again. To find what went wrong and more importantly, who I was. My thoughts of suicide constantly came in and out of my mind. At home I enjoyed a nurturing atmosphere and did my best to achieve peace within myself. I saw a psychiatrist every week and did my best to deal with my losses. The day of my fatherâ€™s death I couldnâ€™t take it anymore. I travelled by mass transit to his grave which was an epic journey. I had a knife in my hand to my neck and asked if things would be okay and if they would get better. By some miracle, the town air siren went off stopping me and grabbing my attention. I believed my dad was talking to me and telling me that things would get better, but I told him this would be the last time I fight and go on.
For the next few months I fought on, but felt numb to everything, to the needs of others and myself. I just couldnâ€™t bring myself to feel anything anymore. I didnâ€™t enjoy the feeling of being numb. I felt like life wasnâ€™t worth anything if on the inside I felt dead to all emotion. During this summer, I found myself back where I was a year ago. I finally thought that life was going to go up instead of constantly remaining at rock bottom. However, I was wrong. I was wrong to believe in miracles and I feel utterly lied to, betrayed. Iâ€™m angry with my family, my friends, and feel utterly alone.
I believe there are higher forces in this world we donâ€™t understand nor can we comprehend. Iâ€™m not a bad person and I do my best to help others and be kind. After everything, I find myself questioning life and its value. How can I continue to fight for my dreams, when I feel like Iâ€™ve lost everything? I want to give up after this long journey. It feels like Iâ€™ve reached a dead endâ€¦ and thereâ€™s no point in walking this road called life anymore.
I never thought things would come to this… but here I am, writing.
At age 25 I found out that I had to have urgent open heart surgery to replace my aortic valve. I was in 60% heart failure without even knowing it and could have died at any time. I had the procedure done, and am alive and kicking… though I opted for a tissue valve (so I could enjoy a higher quality of life) and was told that it would only last roughly ten years. It is now three years later, I just turned 28, and post-traumatic stress disorder finally kicked in. I moved to Vegas (something I always wanted to do) a year after my surgery and had the time of my life… for a while. Gradually things started to get worse on a personal front, I became depressed about where my life was going, and I turned to gambling.
When I moved I was roughly $30,000 in debt but could easily pay my monthly payments and it didn’t bother me. I was working my way out of it and things were dandy. My credit score was in the high 700’s and nothing could stop me… until I started gambling… in search of a quicker way out of my debt. It started small and progressively got bigger and bigger. At one point I was gambling $15 a hand playing video poker and tossing thousands of dollars into the machines. I was always able to stay afloat thanks to my good credit and extensive credit lines on my cards. Yep, I started taking massive cash advances. Winning taxables became an obsession. I was always looking for that next big hit. At one point I had cleared all of my losses and even told myself that I needed to stop before gambling became a problem. I stopped for a few weeks, but then the bug bite me with a vengence and I slid down a terrible losing streak. I started chasing my losses and before I knew it… my cards were maxed out and I was an additional $30,000 in debt. I’ve even gone so far as gambling my money for bills in the off-chance that I’ll win and be able to pay them.
Nothing seems real anymore and I feel like I’m living in a bad dream. I am in denial as to what I’ve done to myself and am waiting to wake up from the nightmare.
The reason for all of this? I’ve become tired of living in this world and all of it’s hardships. I’m tired of dealing with the idea of having to undergo another surgery in 7 years with an increased chance of death. I’m tired of paying bills that don’t really go down.
I got a second chance on life, lived it up, and in a few short months thrashed it all to pieces… forced to live in misery with what I’ve allowed myself to do. I feel like having to deal with the knowledge that I overstepped the boundaries that I set for myself is worse then being dead. Â Suicide runs in my family and it finally hit me. My uncle killed himself, my dad tried to kill himself twice (i saved his life before it was too late the second time), and my cousin is severely depressed. I should have known better, but never felt this way until 2009 hit. It was all downhill from there. I have hit rock bottom. I have betrayed my friends, my family, and most importantly myself. I thought about driving my car into a wall numerous times on my way home from a hard night at the casino… but what would my family do? It would devastate them. Thanks for listening.
right now i’m seventeen, theres been so many changes and events in my life leading to my current state tht i doubt i’ll write all of them here, or remember them all, still, there are some main reasons i have never been able to overcome.
i remember when i was about seven years old and i met this girl who was also seven, she was beautiful even then, i loved herÂ from the moment i saw her, as stupid as that might sound considering i was just a seven yearold, still she lived very far away, so i wouldnt usually get to see her, and still i never managedÂ to stop thinking about her, not that i had tried to. i think i was 11 when i saw her again, and i remembered having met her even then, even thoughÂ i’d only been with her for about a week before 4 years passed, she was still more beautiful this time, and nice, and beautiful, she was family of a cousin of mine who was my age too, he would usually come every year to my house for about a week or a maybe a month to spend vacation, and that year he brought her along, so we would go everywhere together, she and i and whoever came along, i would do anything to be with her, who wouldnt, time to leave, vacations over. i had herÂ stuck to my mind twice as hard as before, i remember i had turnedÂ 14 when i saw her again, my cousin had brought her along again, best time of my life, she was still more beautiful,Â i wanted to kiss her, or hug her, or take her by the hand,Â when my dad wouldÂ take us to the beach orÂ outÂ eating or to theÂ park i’d always try to sit next to her, and slowly my hand would go fromÂ slightly rosing her leg to somehow resting on her lap,Â except for when she was upset with me,Â she would always tell me to go somewhere with her, anywhere wouldve been ok for me, i remember it was her birthday and she was spending the day at ourÂ house for it was during that summer vacation, i somehow managed to spend the hole day thinking about how close to her lips i would kiss her after i congratulated her for her birthbay, later that night, i was very happy when i noticed she seemed as exiceted about the birthday kiss as i was, i somehow gave her two birthdayÂ kisses that day, i was in love, id always been, but now i knew she loved me back, i didnt dare inviting her to the movies, but somehow we ended up going to the movies the two of us only, since everyone else had accidentally forgotten to buy our tickets, i lovd it, but i could never admit it, why, i dont know, i was such a little idiot, then vacation was over again… saddest days of that year after getting use to have her around. school started again, and this new girl joined our class, many of my classmates where very attracted to her, i thought she was pretty, still i had eyes for none but my beautiful would be-girlfriend i was sure,Â next time i saw her i would ask her to be my girlfriend and then i would finally be able to kiss her properly, although i ddnt know when i would see her next, soon i hoped. so at that time my life without her continued as usual, the only difference had been this new girl whom i now got to be friends with, after some weeksÂ some of our friends started telling me she had strong love feelings towards me, i hadnt realised, i’d never been able to think about anyone butÂ marilyn the girl i knew i’d see next summer, so i tried to remain friends with this new girl, i would wait for marilyn i didnt want anything to screw that,Â but her friends were very persistant, and so were my friends, and her sister, they all somehow thought weÂ should be together, i thought maybe marilyn would like me better if she knew i already had girlfriends before, i thought i would indeed ask this other girl to be my girlfriend, and i did. i suddenly became more popular at school, and more people would speak to me, it was fine, i knew that couldnt last, as summer vacations were getting closer i knew that would be another chance to seeÂ marilyn again, so i told my current girlfriend the truth, that i was still in love with marilyn, and finally she was here again even though i thought i wouldnt be seing her that summer, her parents had recently split up, i would have liked to be with her at the time, i was so excited though that she was finally here, we went out to the mall i knew this was the time, i would tell her, while my cousin and my sister went walking for a while andÂ i stayed with her at the table, and i told her ‘listen, theres something i need to tell you’, and she smiled, so i went on ‘you know that ive always liked you’—my cousin and sister came back, i thought id been so close, but still id been able to deliver the main message. after having lunch we went back home, we talked all together for a while, and then i asked to come with me to my room, the moment id been dreaming about was getting closer i knew it, ‘i like you a lot, i always have,…. do you like me?’, i took her a minute to answer, she shook her head slowly ‘im sorry, i dont…’, my world had ended so fast my face didnt have time to show my damned feelings, we were sitting on my bed, i was staring at the floor, although i wanted to look at her hair instead, i thought that couldnt be true, she must be lying, for some reason, god wouldnt have allowed anyone to make me feel this bad, ‘but we can still be friends’ she said, we sat there for about fifteen minutes, neither of us said a word after that, and then she simply left the room, and took half my life along with her. the other half was god, whom i would also give up on later. i dont think i’ll write about that just now, though.