So of course just like the rest of us on this site i’m pretty suicidal. and by pretty i mean really suicidal. so naturally when i found a girl that makes me happy it was like god had decided to let up a little bit. a few months go by and all is well until recently. things are falling apart and im freaking out because without her i know i’ll try something again. i cant let the tiny bit of happiness ive found get away from me. And yet she causes me so much pain too… and her knowing about my depression is hurting her too. i know shed be better off without me which is probably why she’s considering it, but the mere idea tears at my chest. i would take a bullet for her, i walked five miles in the rain to her house because she needed someone to hold her but she would never do that. But i cant let go. this post is really all over the place and i apologize, im just pretty emotional 🙁 i dont know what do to or how to handle the inevitable outcome
I’m not sure when I stumbled upon this blog by accident; before or after decided to take my own life and almost went through with it. I do know that reading these stories helped, perhaps just a tiny bit. I want to thank the people who put this site together. I was in a really dark place and hearing other people’s stories made me feel like at least I wasn’t alone. All day, every day, I’m surrounded by people who are nice, but who just wouldn’t get it. And I don’t want to tell any more people about it for fear of pushing them away. You guys get it.
Everyone here has a different situation, so I can’t claim to know exactly how any of you feel.Â But what we have in common is that we have all been in a place so hellish we’ve considered snuffing it. And because of this shared experience I love you and I want you to survive.
Sounds trite, I know. Maybe I don’t love you, I just like-like you. Whatever.
Maybe later I’ll post about my situation.
Alone I sit,
Alone I think,
Alone I experience,
Alone I cry,
Alone I reach for the knife,
Alone I cut,
Alone I watch the blood,
Alone I feel the pain.
Alone I think about cutting deeper,
Alone I experience my sadness,
Alone I cry my eyes out,
Alone I reach for the knife,
Alone I cut my wrists just a tiny bit deeper,
Alone I feel the pain.
Alone I think about slicing pictures,
Alone I experience my emptiness,
Alone I cry for all Iâ€™ve lost,
Alone I reach for the knife,
Alone I cut nice drawings for all of those who want to watch,
Alone I feel the pain.
Alone I think about finishing it all,
Alone I experience a new kind of numb feeling take over me,
Alone I cry for all thatâ€™s been and never will be again,
Alone I reach for the knife,
Alone I cut through the vein,
Alone I no longer feel the pain.
Well.. time to write something… One more fucked up story isn’t gonna make a difference here, so..
You know when you’re young, you’re always told to obey the rules, respect your elders, do some good, expect nothing in return, be faithful, be honest, get a degree, don’t lie, work hard, respect your gf, satisfy her every need, marry her,buy a house, have kids.. and that’s what you call a happy and full life. If you live according to this, people will call you a happy man (i can’t speak for the women, sorry).
In such a state of mind i got to know her in high school. She went to college and i did too. She then was my soul mate.. we had so much in common, our world view, how we viewed society, people.. we also had differences, but as i thought, far less than the commons. She got the degree, i dropped out. Her job (a teacher) got on her nerves. After two years of work she’s changed so much, she got sometimes angry and shouted although she’d never done that before. And our sensual life was also in ruins by that time. And i was just listening, didn’t shout back because i knew if i get to shout, i wont stop there. I might even hit her and i didnt want that. So she just thought im a sassy and i guess thats when she fell out of love. But it took her another 3 years to make up her mind and say “fuck this 10 solar years, fuck them to hell, fuck the promises i made, fuck the tears we both cried, the flat we rented, the plans we made, the bed we slept in, our kids who will never be born… their eyes, one’s green like mine, the other’s brown like hers, this boy and this girl, their first steps, them first mumbling Mummy, daddy… Take all this stuff and put it to the grave!” Bury it deep, deep eneugh that you won’ remember this 10 years, tear it out like you tear a weed from the ground. But as you cant kill a weed until each and every tiny bit of it is not removed from the soil, so can’t i erase these 120 month from my life. She, who had my complete trust, left me.
It took me one and a half years to somewhat recover from this, but now my world view, the rules i live by, begins to fall apart. Bit by bit all those goals and rules i mentioned above begin to diminish. YOLO at its finest. That’s why i wont live longer than fifty. And thats why i dont care about myself. And I’m sorry for them, but not about my parents either. I can’t seem to find any goal and I can’t seem to find anyone to trust in cause once you’ve been left alone after 10 years, how careful one must be? I simply don’t have the time for another relationship to come this far.
Shit this has made me feel bad.. good thing there are no pills at home…
I am finished with my life and i will finish it this time. I have written my goodbye letters and have arranged everything so that i will finaly be able to leave this world.
All that is left is to apologise to the people on this site who i have promised to keep on trying, but have instead let them down. Also i want to say thank you to all the lovely people who have commented on my post with caring comments. Because of you guys i can at least leave this world with a tiny bit of happiness. You guys have given me the most happiness i have ever had in my 14 years of life at that with just your kind, loving and helpful comments. I’m realy greatful for this website, it probaly save a lot of lives, for me it was just too late sorry. Thank you and goodbye. <3
This only applies to my own perception and not to anyone else’s.Â Do not want to be accused of trying to play the should game.
Seems everything is built around taking suffering and moving on. And those who choose not to are referred to as weak. I disagree.Â Sometimes people just get tired of the pain and the pleasure that does come is not enough.
No positive thinking or positive action will save one from all malevolence, and as ridiculous as that may sound to many people, I’d prefer a life free from any trouble.
Most trouble has no point and the ones that teach lessons are only worthy because there are more lumps coming.Â Many say the good cannot exist without the bad.Â That it would be boring.Â But if there were only good, then that would be all people knew so I doubt it would be boring except to a few.
Hope is one of the reasons my mentall lacking self is still here.Â Because I’ve given myself time to try different things to see if I can somehow overcome and banish all the things I consider malevolent.
To find that one secret that will save humanity from any more suffering. Deep down I know it will not happen but hope was beten into me so strongly that a tiny bit stil remains.
It is fading fast though and now that I have found the perfect method for my purposes I can now just exit the day all hope leaves.
To all of you who still want to live, young and old, I will send you all my strength at the end that I do not need anymore to keep fighting.Â Because event though we all die one day, suicide is not for everyone.
Some of you can be healed. Â Some of you are victims and just need to be vindicated.Â Some of you just need someone to trule listen and care.Â Some of you despite being on the verge really want to stay around.Â And many of you have not even had the chance to live.
Hello. I’m new to this site. I saw it as a beacon, almost. Let me tell you a bit about myself.
I’m 14 years old, I’m bulimic, I have two brothers, andÂ I tried to kill myself when I was 13 years old.
The bulimia didn’t develop until recently, since after the suicide attempt I was as self- loathing as ever. My brothers contribute highly to my depression. My older brother is seeing a girl whom I don’t want him to see, since I was friends with this girl at one time but she ended up molesting me. He knows about this, yet he continues to see her. It is because that girl that I attempted suicide in the first place. The disgusting shame I felt around that time was incomparable. I was 13 at the time, and the girl was 18. No one knows ofÂ this except me and my brother.Â
I tried to hang myself, but, as soon as i tied the rope around my fan, I heard my parents door open and footsteps. I saw it as a sign. I tried again the next day, but when I yanked on the rope to see if it would support me it fell. Another sign. From then on I would hardly even get out bed from how depressed I was. My family grew irritated with me, telling me that I needed to cheer my ass up and that I had no reason to be depressed and mopey. From their point of view, I didn’t. As ignorant and oblivious as they were, my parents loved me. We have a niceÂ house and food on the table. My father is technically an alcholic, but he is always giddy and childish instead of abusive. It was my deeply rooted anger toward my brother that left me bed-ridden with shame and disgust. That’s when the bulimia started.
I would have more suicide attempts that would be unsuccessful (obviously). And though I’m a tiny bit better now, I would be lying if I didn’t raid the medicine cabinet every one and a while. And, though I haven’t seen or heard from that girl in over a year now, I know that my brother still emails and talks to her frequently. Things like this makes me go through periods of extreme depression, and I have wrote and re-wrote my suicide note time and time again.
The one thing that is keeping me back now, is that I wouldn’t be able to see all of the shocked faces and the tears of my family and friends. To see them cry with sheer agony, to see my BROTHER cry with sheer agony…. that would be the best thing in the world. Really. That thought is the only thing that makes me smile these days.
I think I am suicidal. Â I’m not really sure, because I’m not sure of anything anymore. Â I don’t want to hurt myself or be in pain or punish myself. Â I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. Â It is getting increasingly unbearable, and I don’t know what to do.
I was almost murdered in October by gun violence (it was a very close call), and I have since been diagnosed with depression and PTSD. Â I have never been a depressed person in my life, ever. Â I just read on a website I found that PTSD can cause suicidal feelings, and I do feel a tiny bit better knowing that. Â But no one told me that….not my psychiatrist or psychologist. Â I guess I have been hiding the fact that I have desires to not live any more, but I am afraid they will lock me up or something, put me in a mental hospital. Â I am already on Lexapro, which I hate. Â I know it’s helping a little, but I don’t like taking pills. Â There have been a few nights when I’ve thought about taking the whole bottle. Â I just don’t want to cause myself additional pain. Â Plus I have an 8- and 9-year-old brother and sister that I do not want to hurt. Â I can explain to all the adults in my life why I would make that choice, but there is no way to explain that to a child. Â There is one thing, a person, a friend, who I feel can help me and protect me…..he was there the night I was almost shot, so that might have something to do with it. Â But it is not possible for him to have the responsibility of caring for me. Â I am SO hard to be around and deal with right now, it’s a wonder anyone will speak to me anymore. Â I get on my own darn nerves.
My main frustration is that no one believes me, no one knows what I feel like. Â I am hesitant to talk about my feelings for many reasons. Â First of all, I don’t want anyone to mistake this as some empty cry for attention. Â Second, when I talk about my feelings, it never helps. Â I feel like I have been making reasonable efforts to let the people who love me know that I am not doing okay. Â And that’s what everyone says…..”You’re fine, hang in there, stiff upper lip.” Â You gotta be kidding me. Â I completely understand that there is no way that someone who doesn’t feel like this could know what this feels like. Â I didn’t know what suicidal thoughts felt like until recently. Â But I fall deeper and deeper into despair every time I reach out and no one can help me. Â I am begging for help, and no one is listening. Â I am starting to cry out louder, and I really hope the last person I trust and think can help me will hear me. Â But I’m scared to death that my cries will again fall on deaf ears. Â And then I am logically left with little choice. Â Does anyone understand that people who are suicidal really and truly think it makes sense? Â Does anyone understand?
Whew….I can’t write any more. Â This did help a bit, I’m okay tonight. Â It wasn’t gonna happen tonight anyway, I’m not totally there yet. Â I’m just getting closer and closer, and I’m scared. Â I’m asking for help….I’m trying to tell someone…..no one seems to be listening. Â I feel like I’m in the Matrix or something. Â Everyone is living this blissfully ignorant reality, the one that I used to live, and my eyes have been opened to reality now. Â This life is meaningless. Â I’m not sure any more if there’s a God. Â My false but functional fairy tale has been stripped from me, and there is not one person who can help me. Â I even called my psychiatrist today, and I felt like a bother, a pest. Â That’s fine, totally fine. Â No one is obligated to help me. Â But if I cannot get help, why do I have to feel bad and go through pain to help myself, you know? Â I am just extremely tired, hanging by a thread. Â Food has no taste now. Â Isn’t that weird? Â I am endlessly irritable, and I get in fights with my friends. Â But I can’t really tell if they are wrong or I am wrong. Â I’m so lonely, but I can’t be around people. Â Today I decided that I would stop speaking for one week, in an effort to listen to what others have to say, and it caused a fight with a friend.
I am a mess. Â Can someone please tell me that this is not all in my head? Â Please? Â I need someone to acknowledge that this is real, even if it’s only real to me. Â And stop telling me it’s okay. Â It’s not okay. Â This is not okay. Â It will not be okay unless my reality changes. Â Not my situation, not my circumstances. Â This is my new reality, my truth, that life is no longer valuable, I’ve been duped my whole life, and I’m wasting my time if I continue on. Â You can’t just tell someone what they believe isn’t true. Â It’s not that easy at all. Â I cannot convince someone that the blue sky is purple. Â It doesn’t work like that. Â Any now I’m getting frustrated again….I gotta quit.