This is not the end it’s only the beginning everyday I live I feel I die more inside depression is a curse I feel so broken I feel damaged I’m tired of living tired of trying to live pain is my life it’s to hard to live like this
tired of living
i am so sick and tired of living this fucking life… I am just a waste of space and time in this IDIOTIC world… I am an introvert and i hate the all people who are hypocrites that live only their lives in such a way (self image, dressing, hairstyle, money and materials appearance) so that they can accepted and liked by other people. Yes i am a short and an unattractive person and so i don’t have any chance out there but let me tell you what, i DON’T GIVE A FUCK since i hate those guy more than i hate myself.
I fucking tired of seeing such people so a very a locked myself in my room spending all my day behind this fucking screen so that i don’t have to communicate with any of them. And because the MAJORITY of people find this weird of staying away from the outside world (e.g nightlife entertainment e.t.c) you are also consider weird. I don’t give a fuck about anyone of them…but if you don’t meeting up with other people then your life sucks since you will be unable to find a job or a girl and you are force to stay a lonely guy waiting a nice opportunity to die!
Honestly, that’s how i see how life works. Everything that you do in life has to be accepted by others or you should do what the others are doing… YOU LIVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE FOR OTHERS AND NOT FOR YOURSELF.
I have no patience with people anymore, i don’t want to speak to no one and waste my time with idiots. I want no-one to know me anymore.
So to end this, let me just say that i hate being a part of the world and i have to admit that this life is not for anyone…some of you will NEVER understand this because you are a part of this whole system where you got lucky once you were born and became someone with the minimum requirements that this ”majority of the people” has place (good appearance,fancy or interesting life, social). So the rest of us are leftovers who are forced to live a stressful and depressive lives with no ambitions and no love and wandering all day where this life is leading me to…or IS IT WORTH LIVING THIS SHIT?
I’m tired of pretending that nothing is wrong with me. I’m tired of hiding my depression from my friends and family. I’m tired of feeling alone. I just want to escape the path I’m on. I saw a boy in my grade succumb to death, and I didn’t even shed a tear, yet I really want to be with him right now. I’m tired of being the perfect girl, and pretending it doesn’t effect me when someone calls me a skank, cause I’m not. I’ve never even kissed anyone. I’m tired of being the pathetic one that my best friend has to console. I’m tired of living like this. I just want out for a while. I’m tired of this shit.
Hi, I used to post here as Second_Winter before I got locked out for incorrect password stuff. I constantly read this site and relate to so many of you. I don’t post often, mostly out of apathy from my own situation and because I was locked out for so long.
My situation has gotten dire. I am in so much debt that I feel like I’m drowning. I recently returned from working a nonprofit job with students in another state and it was great, but my contract ended and now I’m back home. All of the reminders of my past are here, so much that I was able to get away from when I moved away to to serve the children and the community. I know I should just get out of here, but now I have no job and no money. I’ve been applying tons of places but to no avail. Have been on some interviews, but obviously they weren’t interested. I feel like such a failure. Even if I did get a job, it’s not like I could just save up and move away. Pretty sure between college loans and IRS, they’re gonna garnish my wages with any job I get and with that and other bills, I’ll be able to save nothing to actually move. I used to be such a strong person and now I can feel how my family views me. I can feel their stares. I know killing myself would hurt them, but I feel like I can’t take this much longer. On top of all this, it’s been about about a year since my girlfriend of 7.5 years suddenly left me. It still hurts to think about it and it fucked me up mentally something awful- it has super detached me socially from other humans. The thought of it all just makes me cry all the time. I still remember what feeling happy was like. I try to cling to that, but it’s like a fleeting memory more and more. Something unattainable…something that existed in my previous life. Why just go through the motions anymore? I’ve been on auto-pilot emotionally for so long since then- I have no interest in dating or finding meaningful relationships anymore. The past years have just been riddled with everything falling apart…and when I needed that person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with the most- she left. Now, I smile and act like I have it all together for everyone else’s sake.
I wish they could see the burdens I carry for me. I wish they could see this brick that sits on my chest- the pain I feel for me, the pain I feel for humanity and the disbelief in how shitty people can treat each other, the acknowledgment that I haven’t lost the sense of humanity and try to act on what most people call ‘youthful idealism’ when they choose to let it fall away for shiny objects…an idealism, even older now, which I retain and simply call ‘humanity’. I self-medicate to get through their obliviousness but it only makes the lows worse in the end of it. What’s the fucking point? I am just a punching bag waiting for the seams to fall out only to be replaced by someone who is content being a punching bag. I can’t be content. I want out. I’m so tired of living with this pain that sits on me and if those around me internalized what they see in the world around them…if they felt as intensely as I do…then I wouldn’t feel so fucking downtrodden, isolated, and alone. At least I would have faith, maybe somewhere, in humanity…but I can’t live like a zombie anymore where ignorance is bliss and people have turned off the humanity and justify it with time constraints and other priorities. This happens ALL THE TIME and the frustration that I can’t voice leads me to a place where I don’t want to breathe or get out of bed because I’m tired of living in this goddamned groundhog day and telling myself it will get better. I told myself that years ago. I’m 31 now and nothing has changed, it’s only gotten worse. It doesn’t get better. Fuck this place and what people have become. I inch closer to my final solution.
So why continue? I’ve heard all the bullshit in many many years of treatment, but the truth is, it really does only get worse. At least when your brain hates you. If I’ve already lived as much as I can given the circumstances, why would I keep going only to experience pain. Those rare moments of fleeting pleasure? That’s not enough. I don’t really feel it anyways. I can play the part, act like I’m enjoying myself, but in the end, I’m empty inside, and theres nothing that can fill it. I’ve made it before, gotten exactly what I thought I needed to make me happy, only to realize that the pursuit was better then the results, and once there, I’m just as empty as I was before. All life is is distraction. Distraction from the shit we have to deal with all day. Were born alone, and we die alone, and once you’re gone, nothing you’ve done matters. Our lifespan as a species is for an finite amount of time.
I don’t even want to try anymore, I’m so tired of making progress only to have the rug pulled out from under me. I’m tired of looming homelessness over my head every day. I’m tired of my family hating me. I’m tired of never having anything to look forward too. I’m tired of losing people and places and things that were important to me. I’m just tired of living. Too weak to live, too strong to die, why would I even try.
Sorry about my disjointed ramblings, it’s been a really bad day and I just want to drop and stop. I’m going to treatment soon. Whats a few more months of my life in an institution. Ill try my best to wait until after that to make any concrete decisions, but the urge just gets stronger and I just get more and more sure as the months roll by.
The constant thought of ending my life is tearing me down. I wish to end it, but somehow I can’t.
The thought of suicide keeps coming back and slowly becomes stronger and stronger.
My friends and my family have abandoned me. I never bothered to look them up. Now I want to look them up, they don’t have time for me :'(
I don’t care anymore whether I live or die and now I am dealing with my survival instinct. I wonder when I will find the strength to finally end it all.
All the harassment cost me my friends and the people doing the harassing and stalking have even set my brother up against me.
Do I sound like a schizophrenic now? Do I sound psychotic? Are you tempted to say: “Hey! You should visit a psychiatrist and trust your brother.” Truth is, he said STRAIGHT IN MY FACE WITH AN EVIL SMILE: “Can’t get anything done?”
This life hasn’t got anything or anybody worth living for anymore. However, my survival instinct is too strong at the moment. I just don’t want to continue anymore. I’m so tired of living. What’s worth living for? My ideas? All of them have already been done somewhere. Being of service to others? A bunch of ungrateful addicts, bums or psychiatric patients who can’t even utter a word of gratitude for a cup of coffee?
People don’t care about me, they just want me dead. Well, perhaps they’re going to get their way soon. I’ll finally be rid of all the slander and harassment.
It’s just passed noon here and I’m already drunk. I need to write because I’m struggling alone here. I quit all my psych meds and I’m going through some bad shit. I have to stay strong though. Being on meds made me fat and stupid and lazy. I’m tired of living in a fog. I recently read Anatomy of an Epidemic and it’s about how mental illness has gone out of control since the advent of modern psychotropic medication. Big pharmacy companies are full of shit and for most people these drugs do much more harm than good. I recommend anyone suffering on meds read it. I just want my old self back. I don’t know how I’m going to do it but I’m determined to make it. I am thankful for this website and wish everyone reading this good luck with their struggles. We have to have hope that things can get better. I have suffered with depression since early childhood and was very suicidal as a teenager. But things got better once I went to college. I’m thankful for the ups and downs I lived through in my 20’s and 30’s so to all you still in high school and college, please keep on going. I haven’t been happy since I’ve been on meds, just numb. I’m hoping that if I can get my body clean and can have a few more good times before I go.
I’m nearly 50, alone, poor and think about suicide every single day. I work hard, I am intelligent, I have had previous success in my life, but my line of work is extremely competitive and I must battle for even marginal pay. I live in a hovel, have no heating (even my space heater causes my powerstrip to overload, so my electricity is problematic), I work seven days a week and have done so for more than five years now. I have not even taken a minor vacation of one day since December 2010 so I am in my apartment constantly ( I work from home as a freelance writer of business documents and proposals). I am just so fucking tired. I have not spent a night away from this shit apartment for more than five years. I have applied to hundreds and hundreds of writing/editing jobs with exactly zero responses. At my age, even with a modicum of intelligence, the prospects are getting exceedingly thin and I am so terrified of becoming homeless. I have zero dollars in savings, I have student loans that are killing me, credit card bills that I’m late on all the time, I eat only pasta and tomato paste every day (I make one pound of pasta daily for around 85 cents and one small can of tomato paste for around 45 cents — so I eat for less than 1.50 each day but oh my god I am sick of pasta and nothing else would be as cheap — I have had the same food for about a year now), I have no car, I have no extra money to even go to Taco Bell or go to a movie once in a while. So, my life is this and has been for years — no friends because they all long ago got tired of picking up their nearly 50 year old friend and anyway I can’t even afford a beer at a bar…no entertainment out so I watch TV and read books and while I love reading I go sometimes three or four days without talking to or seeing another human being…my living condition is really terrible, just a converted garage with no insulation and no main heating for winter or AC for summer and the reason I live here is because it is pretty cheap but my landlord takes my rent in cash and doesn’t declare it and also fixes nothing because when I ask him to he says (because he’s rich), “if you move out I could drop ten grand into your place and triple the rent” and he’s right so I just don’t complain about anything because I have NOWHERE ELSE TO GO. I’m so so so so so so so so tired of living like I do. I once had dreams, I once had friends, I once had hopes, but now my life is purely just treading water with no real prospects of ever doing any more than that. Also, being a male near 50 I should be going to the doctor for a checkup and haven’t been to one in 15 years and when I tried to get medical help from the state I couldn’t do it because they required an address and the place I live in is illegal and not zoned for a human to live in so there is no lease, no official record of where I live. I am so fucking tired.
I’ve been reading people’s posts here for about a year and it has helped keep me going. (Thank you all.) I never commented or posted but now I think I’m nearing the end and want to get more involved. I have hit rock bottom. It’s a long story but I lost my job and then I decided to quit all my meds last week because I’m tired of living in a fog. I currently feel incapacitated and I don’t know how I will go on. I live alone and I will run out of money soon. I have enough of a lethal drug to kill myself but it will take 24 hours to die and I’m scared. Does any one have any positive stories about getting off psych meds? I could use some hope. I’m hanging by a thread.
I am tired of everything. Tired of going to school everyday and have bad grades because I can’t focus. Tired of making efforts to have friends and in the end being alone again, tired of trying, tired of keep going, tired. I am tired of living, breading, eating, sleeping and being tired.
They say it’s because I am shy that I don’t have friends, well I try and yet the exclude me. I try to talk but or it goes wrong or they talk over me or I am just ignored. And I can be like one month without talking to anyone that nobody searches for me or talks to me. In conclusion, I am a ghost.
I hate myself so much for ending the friendship with my best friend, but he was totally not making time for us that one day I started an huge discussion and ended it all. Actually I ended it all twice, because one day I love people and next second I hate them. I am such an horrible person for being all broken. I want to be his friend again but I hurted him, and he is cold with me, he doesn’t play with me, or jokes, or even talk with me. I want things to be simple like in childhood.
I can’t keep grades, I can’t sleep, I can’t keep faking. All I want is to kill myself but if I fail again like last time I will be locked up in hospital. I want to vanish…
How do you guys deal with the pain ? i feel like it’s just growing inside of me , and i don’t know how to handle this anymore, i’m about to break, tired of living life in automatic pilot, doing things i don’t wanna do, and i just had another disappointment , someone i met and really care about is leaving, i don’t know what to do with that pain , i feel like there’s no way out
I am just so tired of living. There is nothing here for me. I had to be home schooled the last year of high school due to finding out I have a rare genetic disease. The main symptoms are major organ failure and extreme burning pain in my hands and feet. I have only met one other man like myself with this disease in person. Not being able to do all the stuff I enjoyed my best friend grew apart a just quit associating with me completely. I was in the hospital a lot due to the pain and kidney failure. Now I have to be on disability which I hate. It’s embarrassing being on disability being this young. I should be out working like everyone else. Seeing as my disease is all internal and doesn’t effect my looks people just stare at me when they find out im disabled. 23 yrs old disabled and still living with my parents, no wonder I don’t have a girlfriend now or probably ever. I have one friend and I don’t see him very often anymore. Still seeing a lot of doctors since the transplant, which I wish I never would have had. My doctor don’t even hardly understand this disease or how easy it is to have a pain attack. I’m on 20 pills a day just to keep my pain, transplant and health barely controllable not to mention the 4 hour infusions at the infusion center every other week for the rest of my life. This is overwhelmingly tiring. A life of pain and loneliness just isn’t worth living. All my friends are gone and moved on. I see everyone on facebook out having fun, going and doing adventurous stuff, moving on in their careers and dating. The women that where in my life don’t even know I exist. I just want to be loved. I never really get to socialize with anyone. I have absolutely zero purpose in life. I have ended up a nobody. I have just about had all I can take and im very close to my breaking point.
anyone want to talk or need to? Im kinda bored really. so im up for it. studying alone on a Saturday is a hard thing to do. all my classmates graduated and im still stuck in my 4th year of uni. I need to get out of my house ASAP. tired of living here. need that independence! but its hard to reach.
I’ve felt as though my entire existence has been pointless ever since I was about 13. 13 being the time I began being severely depressed as well. My mom has never really cared about me and I don’t even know what my dad looks like. As a kid I would get picked on a lot and had nobody to talk to because if I brought it up to my mom she would either agree with the person bullying me or just say something much worse. With that I began just keeping everything in. The only people who have ever cared about me are my grandmother and my grandfather. It’s sad to say but I know their time is almost up, which will mean I will have absolutely no one. I’ve never been in a relationship so I guess you can say I’m ugly as well. Unlovable even. I’m 19 now and just recently dropped out of college which my mom made sure to remind me that I’m the hugest failure she has ever came in contact with. I remember being 16 and being sent home for wearing ripped jeans and somehow that lead to her saying these exact words “you don’t even have a purpose in life”. Honestly I’m just tired of living. And honestly I don’t have a purpose, I’m just here. If anything I’m doing the world a favor by taking myself out.
Today is my last. I am tired of living alone. Unloved. Untouched. Unwanted. I am seriously damaged. I must be. No family. No friends. No one. So I am on my way to my parent’s graves. I shall die there. The only two people that might have cared. Sheila
I know that most of you don’t know my story or what I’ve been through and what I’m going through now, the thing is, my story is a little too long, but right now…I just need help…my parents keep dragging me down and day by day my suicidal thoughts grow bigger and bigger and bigger…I’m just about ready to put on my black dress, my white floral heels, my floral black net leggings, do my hair and make-up, right a good bye note to my family and take the bottle of pills I’ve been stashing up, 197 of them 20mg each, that’s 3,940mg in me, and I only weigh 72 pounds…and 18 years old. Each day my parents argue with me and call me mean and hurtful names to the point where it makes me feel like I’m a burden…but I have a wonderful boyfriend who lives in a different state than me who loves me so much, and then I have two amazing best friends who love me dearly, they cross my mind whenever I’m about to do something stupid, problem is I bearly see them, and my boyfriend lives somewhere else than me and I’m with my parents…I don’t know what to even do, I’m tired of living, but I don’t want to disappear from the ones that love me, I’m terrified of life, and right now as you’re reading this, I’m still struggling, my suicides thoughts are still in my head…some one save me from this negativity that’s eating me alive…
I am so tired of living this way. I am 29 no job no home. Living with my fiances mother who hates me… I don’t know what to do or where to go… I honestly believe that if I died tonight no one would even shed a tear… they would all party…
I’m the last person you’d think to be on here. I have a lot of friends, a boyfriend, and I’m super involed at school. On the surface I’m everything I want to be, but underneath I’m a mess. I have family issues and issues with peers. I have to keep telling myelf three more years than I’m free, but everytime a glimmer of hope appers it gets covered up by a dark cloud. The worst part is I need help, but I’ve given up on finding it because when I reach out people usually turn the other way. I’m just tired or trying, tired of living in a place where I feel traped.
they say ignorance is bliss, and for a long time i thought they were stupid. how could people who are completely unaware be blissful? Wouldn’t they thirst for the knowledge of this world.
but as I grew up, i realize more and more how true this is. How often do I now wish that I knew less, that I dreamed less, that I could be a part of this world in a way I now know I never could be.
I am a victim of my own mind. Trapped in a lifeless body yet wrecked with dreams of vivid colors and greater adventures. A spirit yearning for freedom and a chance at happiness, encased by this miserable body unable to control its own destiny. I wish i could be free of this jail, this life, this existence i built for myself. Back then, I always thought that It was my spirit that was dragging me down, the darkness in my soul anchoring me into this hellfire I breathe in daily. But now I realize, it is my very body, jailing me from flight.
Everytime I think of doing it, of freeing myself, I have always postponed it.
“Not yet…” I keep telling myself. “Not yet…”
“Have one last kiss with him. Make love one more time. Have your favorite meal. Tell him I loved him once more.”
Now it just all seems so pointless… these mind rituals I keep on holding on to for dear life. I feel braver now.. more fed up with the disappointments of life. It feels easier to just… go.
Maybe then, at least for one moment in my life, I AM THE MASTER OF MYSELF,
Maybe then, for once in my life, I could be the person who is in control of my fate, not someone else.
I am so tired of somebody else controlling my destiny.. what I can and cannot do. I am tired of living for somebody else.. of seeking purpose in this from the approval or affections of someone else.
One of these days.. I can be brave. I can finally take the freedom that has been mine all along.
Im so tired.
I’m tired of being caught in the middle.
I’m tired of being treated like dirt; like nothing.
I’m tired of being treated like I’m not worth anybody’s precious time.
I’m tired of living.
I’m tired of breathing.
I’m tired of feeling.
But if I end it all today,
I die with a burden on my shoulders,
And selfishness in my name.
I would die leaving my boyfriend here to grieve alone;
God knows he’s as suicidal as I am.
I would die knowing all the pain I put my “family” through.
I would die never accomplishing all the things I wanted;
Marrying the love of my life.
Traveling the world.
Meeting my idols.
Making a difference.
Hearing someone say,
“Because of you I’m still here”
I’m so tired to the point where,
I could be selfish enough to do it.
To end it.
I’m so tired.