This is not the end it’s only the beginning everyday I live I feel I die more inside depression is a curse I feel so broken I feel damaged I’m tired of living tired of trying to live pain is my life it’s to hard to live like this
tired of trying
Have you ever felt like banging your head on a wall till it splits open? I’m just tired of trying to explain what is going on in my head. it feels as if there are three people living in my head, the goody two shoes, the evil bastard and last the one who just does not give a fuck. To be honest, the last one is the one i feel most comfortable with, the other two are just facades of an outward nature. Why cant i feel happiness? what the fuck is wrong with me, why is it that i cant find a smile in goodness? Why does it feel like literally banging my head on the wall is the only way to get some feeling other than despair.
I’m so fucking done with this shit
No one can adequatly explain what i’ve been through, not even I. The stress, trauma, isolation… the daily thoughts that run through my head. I already know that I simply won’t make it for much longer let alone old age. I’m tired of life and want to sleep.
I met with my 3rd therapist who confirmed, yet again, that my life’s experiences fall outside of the normal paradigm. It isnt so much that these things occured but rather the psychological impact of such. I’m tired of trying. So very very tired.
really bring out the darkness inside me. I try so fucken hard to excel to be a better person in spite of all the fucked up things that are my life. I try to be more understanding, forgiving, helpful, kind but GOD WTF is the point?!!!! People abuse the fuck out of that!!! WHY!??? I’m tired of trying to be the exception of trying to be one of the good people left but it is truly exhausting and hard and I want to give in. Seriously fuck it I’ll just be a selfish asshole like everyone else in the world. I have feelings for someone I’ve known for about 2 years and I try my hardest to help them in every way you can think of and they are simply using me. Honestly I don’t care I don’t want to hear excuses or apologies I’m done. NO one ever fucken helped me and I had to figure life out on my own so it’s not my responsibility. Sorry for this bullshit rant I’m clearly in my feelings.
Ever since I was 13, I’ve had varying cycles of depression. They used to be pretty mild, nothing to make me want to do anything irrational. But my depression reached an all time high last year when I was 16, and I seriously consider suicide every day for a long time. The only reason I’m still alive is because I was too afraid of the physical pain.
The reason why my depression spiked was because I had found out that my best friend never had any trust in me at all and that she never really cared about me. I also began having confusion with my sexuality and came to admit to myself that I had loved her. I felt wrong- I wasn’t supposed to feel that way. I started having recurring dreams about her after she moved away and I couldn’t not think about her. My family is Mormon, so I was terrified about my sexuality and my future.
I started realizing all of the mistakes I’d made in my life and seeing that really only my family and my one friend cared about me. I hated myself. I hated seeing myself in the mirror. I stopped caring about everything. My grades dropped. I hated church, God, the ridiculously giddy and happy people at church, but my parents wouldn’t listen and made me go, they still do. I kept losing friends because I didn’t have the energy anymore to reach out, to be around people.
this has been continuing for the past year. Things got a little better a few months ago, but now I’m back in the same rut. I gained all the weight back that I’d lost last year, I feel like a pig. I hate myself.
One of the biggest things I’m struggling with right now is looking ahead, seeing how things could get better. My dream is to be a manga artist, and I’ve been trying to improve my drawing for four years. But if you’re familiar with the subject, you know how extremely difficult it is for a foreigner to become a Japanese manga artist. I hardly know any Japanese. My art sucks. And if I don’t reach my dream, then what? I don’t see myself getting married. I only want to be an artist, and I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t be that. I hate the world and art is the way I escape.
I can’t find an ounce of motivation within myself anymore, even to do the simplest of things. I cant take care of my body, I’m a poor student, I don’t spend any time with friends. I’ve tried taking antidepressants, but they just made it worse. I’ve gone to a therapist, they didn’t help at all. I’ve tried talking to my parents, they won’t listen to me. I don’t feel close enough to any friends to talk to them about it. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying. I’m sick of being a pessimist, always being depressed. I’m exhausted from addiction. I want to die, but I’m afraid of throwing away what I could possibly have someday. The “what if”s keep me here, but I’m starting to care less and less about those. I need to escape the pain. No one cares.
I am tired of everything. Tired of going to school everyday and have bad grades because I can’t focus. Tired of making efforts to have friends and in the end being alone again, tired of trying, tired of keep going, tired. I am tired of living, breading, eating, sleeping and being tired.
They say it’s because I am shy that I don’t have friends, well I try and yet the exclude me. I try to talk but or it goes wrong or they talk over me or I am just ignored. And I can be like one month without talking to anyone that nobody searches for me or talks to me. In conclusion, I am a ghost.
I hate myself so much for ending the friendship with my best friend, but he was totally not making time for us that one day I started an huge discussion and ended it all. Actually I ended it all twice, because one day I love people and next second I hate them. I am such an horrible person for being all broken. I want to be his friend again but I hurted him, and he is cold with me, he doesn’t play with me, or jokes, or even talk with me. I want things to be simple like in childhood.
I can’t keep grades, I can’t sleep, I can’t keep faking. All I want is to kill myself but if I fail again like last time I will be locked up in hospital. I want to vanish…
I’m 15 years old and I want to die. Today (I guess yesterday now) l told my sister that I didn’t want to live anymore. I also spent most of the day sleeping because I didn’t want to be awake.
Is it bad that all of my friends are moving on and they don’t care about me? I guess my friends and me included are “popular” and I don’t want to be friends with other people? I’ve been feeling left out for a while now. But does that make me a bad person that I choose not to reach out to other people because of my reputation? I have friends but my best friends don’t give a shit about me and I wish I could tell them what I’ve been thinking about lately. I wish this pain would go away. I feel empty inside and I don’t care about a lot of people anymore but being left out hurts me emotionally. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for 2 years now but I’ve never actually done anything. In the past whenever I thought that I was going to hurt myself I would tell myself that I was being selfish and to hold on for a couple more years. I told myself I have so many people in my life who care about me and that I haven’t even lived yet. I was scared before and upset. I used to want to die to make a point to everyone and make them feel guilty that they weren’t there for me. Now, now I want to die because I don’t want to think anymore. I guess I came to this site to see if anyone could help me from feeling like there’s nothing to live for. I’m tired of thinking.
I’m tired of trying and I just want the pain to stop.
There are only a handful of things keeping me from doing it, and they’re all people. My wife, whom I don’t want to leave to pick up my shit. My little brother, who will be so confused. My parents, who will be ravaged. My employees, who will not understand.
But the reasons not to are starting to be outweighed by the feeling that I need to do it.
I feel like the moments where I think about doing it are the only moments of clarity in my life and that everything else is fake.
I think that the fact that I don’t want to do it, but feel the need to, means I am going to have to eventually.
I don’t want to, but I have seen so much of the terrible side of this world, and I know I haven’t even scratched the surface and I know that the so-called positive things are ruses.
I feel it, physically. My breathing is not in any sort of rhythm. I’m not gasping, or in any way struggling to breathe, it’s just like my breathing and my heart are each out of sync. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’m so tired of trying.
If I know that I’m going to do it someday, why not today? Or tomorrow. When?
Hello everyone!!! I am really depressed. I have been thinking about killing myself for about a week now. Really it’s been going on for months, but lately I can’t help but think (why am I still here). Loft a week I wake up in deep emotional pain and physical pain and think “Why?!” Why am I trying to hold onto another horrible day.
I’m divorced, sad, lonley, and depressed. I don’t like it here anymore and I don’t see the point of living. I don’t have any family and so it really wouldn’t matter. Plus now that I’m divorced and alone, I’m not sure if I can even make my own family. Everyone has problems, but it seems like everyone has more than me in some way. I’m tired and I just don’t see the silver lining anywhere.
My he last guy I dated used me. He said all these nice and sweet crap to me, but he didn’t mean any of it. He befriended me during the end of my divorce and to make this short; he lied to get what he wanted. I though he was my soulmate. My ex husband was cheating on me and lying about it. Even with the lies he never tried to make it work. I tried but he didn’t. Then at the end of my divorce I met this guy who seemed genuine, but it was all a lie too.
im hurt and tired of trying to live in a world like this. I’m so sad he did that to me. I can’t express in words the pain he caused me and now everything in my life is screwed up in one way or another.
Thats not a typo. Its something my grandpa used to say and I would try to answer it for hours. Some things have no answer. Sometimes no matter how hard you try you will never get the desired results. Somethings make no sense. Im tired of trying to find an answer and am now content just letting things be. Im in a rough spot right now, worse off than ever. I havent given up yet. Gimme another week though and we’ll see if I still have the strength to carry on.
Every time I just crash into a deeper depression
The thought of death is soothing. I don’t want to die but I’m afraid of being alive. I’m afraid I’m never going to get out of this. I’m afraid of everything and I want to be alone for a long, long time away from everyone. Everything feels meaningless. Even loving or helping people sounds meaningless. I can’t find a point. I’m tired of trying.
I was rambling on in the comments of Tristeza’s post when I finally hit bottom and realized why I’m so unhappy and want to die. The gist of what I was saying is that life is nothing more than a dream and that when we die, our minds are erased from reality permanently. All of the information that our brains are holding onto is erased when it shuts down for good. The person that you think you are (Tom, Dick, Jane etc) is little more than a function of the brain, and so when the brain dies, you die too.
As in a dream, I’ve become lucid and aware of the meaninglessness of it all, so it frees me to do as I please without much guilt. “Life can be a day at an amusement park, or day a running errands” is what I said. The root of my depression lays in the fact that I’m tired of trying to make my life like a day at the amusement park. It’s all well and good to know that you’re free to do as you please, but it’s another thing entirely to be able to actually do it. All of the sacrifices that the average person must make for a little bit of happiness in the evenings and on weekends (going to school, working 9-5, budgeting, taxes, fees, insurance etc) are just not worth it to me anymore. That’s not even mentioning the fact that all of the worst kinds of people are running the world (psychopaths, racists, feminists, religious zealots).
I’m really tired of trying to enjoy my life. All of this meaningless work I do at my job, the TV shows I watch and music I listen to, health food I choke down; it’s all such a waste of energy. I’d rather not be doing any of this. I’m 29 and I think that’s long enough. There’s nothing else I want to do. I don’t want kids or a house of my own or whatever people do with themselves these days. I just want to go home.
I don’t want to get old and watch my body slowly break down. What’s the point of that? The only logical thing I can think to do is jump off of a high place, but dying terrifies me. Pain is extremely annoying and so I imagine that the final splat won’t be as freeing as I think it will be. I feel trapped in this flesh, like an astronaut floating through space; I just want to rip off my helmet and free my life from this heavy suit. I’m really quite tired of all this, the people, the places, the things.
This is the last place that I’m willing to share my thoughts. I’m tired of trying to help people understand how I feel about life; it’s a waste of a breath. As a self-professed nihilist, one of the big rules that I live by is that “it doesn’t matter what other people know”. Trying to convince anyone of anything is a waste of breath. Just leave them all to their own meaningless thoughts and I’ll stick to mine.
But here, I’m as close to being around comrades as I’ll ever be. Even though I feel half dead from a viral infection in my chest, that Nature is Nihilistic post by wndozh8er lifted my spirits higher than they’ve been for quite some time. I only ever smile that wide when I’m watching Monty Pythons or the Sopranos but that post really touched me. Really fucking touched me. I think that we all want validation from others, to know that what we’re doing with our lives is right. After reading wndozh8er’s words, despite my hacking coughs and roaming migraines, today I feel right. Today I feel validated.
I recently received my PhD in chemical engineering, I have a job in a good company and earn a decent salary. I’ve also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I’ve never had a girlfriend although everybody says I’m a catch. Anyways I fell in love last week with a girl who’s way above me. She told me she loved me too. A week later she wants nothing to do with me. Now a normal dude would move on but every woman I have liked/loved had deserted me. Cold shoulder style. Is it okay if I just end it? I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of my therapist telling me I have everything going for me when my life is a pointless mess. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of wishing and hoping. I’m tired of thinking what will happen to the people I leave behind if I kill myself. I’m just so tired.
Every day feels less meaningful and I’m trying so hard to be positive but I feel like I’m just wearing down. I pretend to be happy around people and the only ones who I can tell about how empty I feel is my counselor and my mom, but she rolls her eyes and gets irritated when I bring up these things. I don’t have any relationships that have any degree of intimacy. I just want to be able to be honest with someone and to be myself. I’m tired of waiting for it to happen though and I just want to be happy without needing things to happen. I don’t feel pretty inside: I feel guilty and disgusting, like I committed a monstrous crime or like I’m just not worth existing. Everything feels without purpose and I can’t stop despising myself for all the opportunities I’ve missed because I’m afraid of everyone and want to hide from the world. I feel like such a loser because my friends are traveling and getting married and what am I doing? Living at home with my parents and staying in school an extra year, like a timid helpless baby. I’m just so tired of trying and I don’t know where to look anymore.
Its been a while since I have made a post, but here I am again.
I hate the way the regrets keep piling up, it’s just feels suffocating, and every time I replay the situations over and over again until I break. Every time it just makes me want to run away to a place where no one knows me.
I’m tired of being alive.
I’m tired of trying to breathe in this suffocating world.
I just want to die.
Every single fucking time its the same thing and the same feelings.
It just takes some small insignificant thing to set me off.
Why the hell was I ever born.
Every since i was little i have had this feeling of something being missing or broken inside. Elementary school was okay because i wasn’t self aware enough to understand what i felt. I cried every day of middle school because i was weird poor and ugly and everybody i liked hated me. Writing that sounds so over dramatic but i think thats one of my problems too. I feel things so deeply. I dont know if its deeper than others but love and hate and sadness consume me when i feel them. I start operating off feelings and logic goes out the window. High school was a series of poor decisions based on trying to fit in and fill that empty broken part of me with “friends” and male attention. I have two kids now and honestly i am not a good parent. I feed them and make sure they go to school but im emotionally unavailable. When i can get the emotional strength to spend time with them i do. We go places and i am affectionate but for the most part i ignore them. I cant focus on anything else because that part of me always feels broken and im constantly trying to fix it. Im tired of trying to fix it. Emotions make you do stupid shit and im tired of having them. Im tired of existing just to exist. I dont get the point anymore and im tired of trying to figure it out. Whatever happens after you die has to be different from this. Maybe not better, but different. Im not a weak person. I have fought these feelings for almost 30 years but its to the point where i see i cant win and i would just like to rest and be done with it. Nothing else can fix the broken place except death so im ready. Thanks for reading
I’m sending up a prayer
To the emptiness up stairs
I cry in desperation
And hope that someone hears
I’ve been taught so much
About clinging to my fears
And how a single touch
Can dry up every tear
Who is my saving grace
Does my hero have a name
Should I be looking to myself
To numb all of my pain
I’m tired of trying
Id rather hold your hand
I wouldn’t feel like dying
If someone tried to understand
i want to give up. im not even sure life is worth living anymore. so sick of always feeling like im worthless. sometimes i wonder if anyone would even notice i was gone.