damn, this ghastly insomnia has caught up to me again. It seems i am trapped in my own mind.
its never a pleasant experience when i am caught up in my own thoughts. idea’s and realizations take hold and i cannot shake them, ergo what led me to self harm in the first place.
but on a rare occasion a wondrous idea takes root, and it is great at first, but then i become fixated on it, it is in my every thought and dream. it makes me feel new and whole and like there is a point to the future after all.
but then […]
damn, this ghastly insomnia has caught up to me again. It seems i am trapped in my own mind.
its never a pleasant experience when i am caught up in my own thoughts. idea’s and realizations take hold and i cannot shake them, ergo what led me to self harm in the first place.
but on a rare occasion a wondrous idea takes root, and it is great at first, but then i become fixated on it, it is in my every thought and dream. it makes me feel new and whole and like there is a point to the future after all.
but then i bore of […]
I guess it started when I was born. I’m currently writing incredibly bluntly, please bear with it. I’m immensely bitter, especially right now. The state I’m in right now is disjointed and confusing and I just don’t understand anything of my thoughts, I thought maybe writing my story out would help.
Right, so I guess it started when I was born. So really, just this family. I’ve been abused as a kid. I don’t realize this until now. I didn’t understand this as abuse, and I was a child who only knew their parents to be right. I didn’t really understand the concept of having your […]
Like the title says, this is just a rant about my trials and tribulations. I don’t really know if posting my story will be of any use to anyone but I just couldn’t leave this world without anyone knowing about it. I guess someone should know, even if they don’t really know me. But in all honesty I don’t know if anybody really knows the real me. I wear a mask and pretend to be “normal”. So nobody really knows. They’ll probably never find out either because this page doesn’t link to me in any way. But I figured somebody should know my story and […]
Somebody in my philosophy class last semester suggested that maybe life is hell. She said, look at all the suffering and pain, doesn’t it seem sort of hellish the things that so many people have to go through? I didn’t know what to think then but now I believe her. This feels like hell, it hurts like hell. The emotional pain I have experienced as a result of depression is absolutely indescribable. There are no words. The feeling of wanting to die is so strong at times that it terrifies me. I know I am capable of acting on it. But I can’t, because I […]
You disappear…
What have I done to deserve this?
I’ve always been the good child. The one who would eat all their veggies, do their homework, listen to their parents, do well in school and sports and yet I’m always the one at fault. Reading some of these posts, I really have no right to complain about my life because others have it worse than I do. I grew up with both parents, I’m healthy, and we don’t have to worry about money. What more could I ask? All I’ve wanted, was to have someone to love me or care for me. Unfortunately, some things in the […]
I locked myself in my room for tree days now without food and water. I’ve been crying and thinking for these past 3 days. I locked myself because I got into a fight and mostly because I’m done. I’m done with everyone. Nobody understands me, I ask for help nobody gives me help. Everybody tells me the same thing everyday. My parents thinks i’m going through that teenage stage but actually its more then that. I’m sick of everyone.
I wish i wasn’t caught from those 3 times a tried to kill myself. I wish I was the one who died instead of my best friend […]
I woke up very anxious and stressed this morning. It’s midnight here now. And I’m thinking of suicide again. And murder. My parents’ arguing woke me up. It always bothers me when they fight. Why? Because I have a crazy mother. Yes, crazy. Clinically diagnosed with bipolar disorder or manic-depressive illness. I have seen her at a low level to the highest peak of her craziness. And when she gets nuts, really nuts, I shake like hell. I hate how much I am unable to control it. I always tell myself to toughen up but my body and mind defies me. I put […]
Alright, I know this is more of a suicidal story site, but I was thinking and I almost attempted suicide, so I guess it sorta counts.
When I was about 3, my mom and my dad were constantly fighting. My mom was sleeping with other men, after she was married to my dad, to try to get rid of him. She apparently hated my dad, and wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. She was on several drugs, (and according to my grandmother so was my dad but before I was born) and she had all sorts of health problems, one night she even passed […]
I spend the first half of my life suffering multiple tragedy multiple trauma, then I spend the remainder of my life living in anguish and misery as I heal from the trauma and then end dead before I can ever live a healed life, what’s the f*cking point>?
I think that a way to kill myself which wouldn’t cause too much trauma for my family would be to let my road bike drift into the path of an oncoming semi-tractor/trailor.  Death would be virtually certain if I ride on a road with a high enough speed limit, and it would look like an accident instead of an intentional act. They wouldn’t have to suffer the stigma of having me kill myself. It would be neat and clean, and fortunately their financial security would be guaranteed.
For a moment the pain would be excruciating after getting run over by a truck, but that much pain […]
I’m stuck. I feel like I can’t get better and this inability to move past my trauma is limiting my ability to live my life the way I want too. I try. I can go months without hurting myself and then something that is seemingly random breaks my illusion of healthiness and I fall backwards on my ass to the depths of despair. I can’t seem to forgive myself for shit that has gone wrong…and the more I try to examine my issues I feel the higher the chance of relapse. I don’t have a support system which is […]
Just want to get this of my chest, i am suicidal, have been for about 6 months now. Feels like im grasping at straws here.
This is the story. I grew up in a home with alot of conflict and negative energy, but also with alot of love and care. There where specially one very grave voilent episode when i was a child, and also other incidentes, but not of so grave character. Dispait of this me and my siblings grew up and did very good in school and sports, but i don´t think any of us was and still are (naturally) unaffected by the nature […]
It is terrible to live with so much tension. I have had so much psychiatric treatment that my mind is going blank and it is difficult to think creatively anymore. My family doctor has also recommended that I belong to the addictions population, the people that have severe difficulties in life. I have so much trauma that I wish to kill myself, except I am afraid of pain. My parents are aging and when they get older, according to Chinese custom, I may not be able to take care of them; rather, their care may belong to someone else. I am hated by many – […]
I have batteled depression since I was a teen, I am 31 now. I just started really getting treatment and tring to stick with it over the past year or two. I have a wonderful truley caring psychiatrist and am on a number of meds as she tries to find something that works.  In the mean time suciadal thoughts and idealations are a part of everyday life, I just want to be shut out and isolated from everyone so far that my mind keeps putting thoughts into my heads as to ways to kill myself. And I have tried, twice as a teen and twice […]
seriously i don’t want to go on any more. i just don’t know how to do it. pills seem like not really a method with a high succeed rate. i don’t have ways to get a gun or anything like that. i thought about jumping from a building, but i could never do that head first. hanging is a no go because suffocating is a trauma of mine, i am sure i couldn’t go through with it. then i thought about jumping before i train, but i feel its a really egoistic act because of the trauma you will cause the driver, also thought about […]
I realise now that I have a problem. Actually scrap that, I always knew. The difference is that I am now ready to admit that I have a problem. So much has happened in my life and being the stubborn person I am, I pushed it all inside and pretended it didn’t matter. Now it has all come at me at once. Flashes of trauma, whether they be emotional, physical and even the few sexual from my past have come back and I can no longer live normally. I don’t sleep (without medication or alcohol), I barely eat, I’m always so sad, angry or anxious. […]
i can’t control how it feels and functions. I alter its actions if i try hard enough but i rarely have the strength. i want one thing but my body usually wants another. i wish my brother were never born so i wouldnt feel obligated to take care of him, but my body says i love him. i want to be a swinging polygamist for the rest of my days but my body says im afraid of people, women especially. i want careers, cars, cash and success but my body says theres no value in that; that i must be with people to be happy. […]
I feel for all of you here. I wish I could help you all escape the misery of this awful world! It is so hard in this world. I don’t know how I’m still here! My fear of death stops me from taking my life these days but boy do I think about it every fkn day. I have tried so many times in my past, to end this misery of a life, but UNFORTUNATELY I’m still here! I don’t want to be here anymore! Since childhood, I have tried to hold onto just the smallest amount of hope,that one day things will get better, […]
It’s been at the back of my mind for a while. But now I’ve come to realise that it’s more than just suicidal thoughts. I’ve gotten to a point where I just have this really strong feeling that there’s something not right about me being alive. It’s not a result of bullying or any sort of trauma, it’s just a feeling, a really strong one. Over the past few weeks I’ve been putting myself through relatively dangerous “tests” to see whether I belong here or not. So far, I’ve survived them (clearly) but they’re not enough proof for me that I belong anymore. I just […]