I’ve been waiting on doing this for quite a while now. For some reason, whenever I’ve been swimming around in my fantasies of (emotional) suicide, I’ve always managed to stumble upon this site. It never helped, but then again, it isn’t supposed to.
I think the fact that I was raped and nobody (friends) believe me or support me is what’s going to make me pull the trigger. I told one of my close friends about it yesterday but I made it seem like it was a friend who got raped and not me. And he said “well was she flirting with him.” That pissed me off. Then I said does it matter, she said no and kept trying to push him off. Then he continues to say “Well I know how guys think. He probably thought she was playing hard to get.” “maybe in her mind it was rape, but to him it wasn’t. I don”t know, that’s how I play with my girl.” And he was pissing me off so bad that I started to cry.
A day before that my other friend decided to make a joke before dropping me off the bust station. “Are you sure you want me to drop you off? I don’t want you to get robbed……or raped.” And she began laughing. She doesn’t take it seriously. She says it’s not rape because I didn’t try hard enough to fight him off. So she never took my situation serious.
After these two conversations, I’m starting to think maybe it is my fault. Because why else would friends say and think this. I’m going to die before this month is over. I cannot think like this anymore.
I have this habit whenever I’m down of the cycle, I tend to purposely piss off people around me. I want them to hate me because apparently my hate for myself is not enough to pull the trigger. I want them to hate me so they would feel less bad about my death.
But then again, someone special told me that making them hate me doesn’t change the fact that they care for me.
But then again, my stupid excuse is habit. Or maybe I’m just accumulating this giant ball of hate to swallow.
I want to break up with my lover for this stupid reason. But I can’t seem to afford losing her. Having her is like the greatest thing I could ever ask for. And yet I think of such things.
I have a question for everyone on here. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts and depression and anxiety shit for about a year now. Whenever I have a good day (though those are extremely rare), I find myself missing the mental state I am comfortable in–the state where thoughts of suicide and self harm control me. Does that happen to anyone else? Does anyone else purposefully trigger themselves to be in a depressive state when they are in a “normal,” good, happy mood? Or is that just me? I don’t know why I do it…but I do. Sometimes I am mad at myself for doing. Other times, though, I am mad at myself for not doing it. This is all just very confusing to me. I honestly don’t know why I’m even writing this. I guess I just want to know if anyone else purposefully gets themselves into moods where they are down and think about self harm and suicide.
The pain is still here. I can drown it out. I can muffle it. But I’m just a shell of a person wandering around. Withdrawn to where it feels more than awkward to be out and around people when it wasn’t so before. Opening back up on command isn’t as easy as shutting down anymore. Desire to end things lingers as well and always has. Thoughts of such are being provoked more often than not now. What do you do when you feel that you have more reason to leave than to stay? Given life more than a chance just existing for the past 2 years. It is exactly as I suspected it to be now from back then when I wanted to and decided to pull the trigger. Why go on anymore?
Want to make me happy? Put a gun to my head and pull the fucking trigger.
So I have this dream on average 5 times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I don’t know if it is a message of some kind or just a dream.
At the beginning of the dream I am six years old. That is how old I was after my dad took his life. I walk into a dark room. I stop and am standing there. All of a sudden a hand grabs my hand. I look up and it is my dad. No words are spoken.
We walk forward until we come to a chair that has a light hanging over it. The only light in the room is lighting up the chair, nothing else. My dad let’s go of my hand and walks over to the chair. He sits down, grabs his pistol, puts it in his mouth and pulls the trigger. I scream. All of a sudden a hand touches my shoulder and it is my dad. But he is in the chair and shot himself.
He points to the chair. I slowly walk over to the chair. I look at the face and it is me. My dad starts laughing and says, I told you if you told anyone you would die. I always wake up at that point.
How can I go on when so many things that remind of all the negatives. My life is just a mess of associations of things I face to hurtful thoughts.
Just want this rough ride to be over. If someone is reading a book and even by a quarter in they arent enjoying it, wouldnt they just put it down?
I’ve been having more suicidal thoughts than usual lately, and I’ve actually been thinking of ways I would want to go if I ever decide to off myself. Cutting isn’t an option; I’m too scared to harm myself, plus that would be extremely painful and messy. Hanging myself is off the table too, since I’d probably never work up enough nerve. My thoughts have been drifting towards drowning more often than not. I think that would be the best way to go for me. Although, I am terrified of the ocean/any body of water, I think I could make an exception. It would be easier than swallowing a ton of pills, or pulling a trigger. Now I’m not saying I’m planning on killing myself, because I’m not that far gone, and I really hope I don’t get to my last breaking point. The one major thing that’s holding me back is that I am 100% afraid of dying. I’m a walking contradiction.
Losing touch of reality is now my doom
I cannot see anything, not even the moon
For no one can feel the pain I now consume
Everything that I am will all be gone soon.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just pull the trigger
Understand me when I say that I can no longer linger
Counting endless sleep until I fall into slumber
Kiss me softly before I have my last supper
Soon enough no one will even bother.
From this moment on I am now a goner
Oxygen can no longer prolong my life for I am a runner
Running away while being hunted down by the gunner
Ever since I started this game, I have become a loner
Viciously trying my best to get across the border
Eternally I am now enchained as a mourner
Remember me not for I am no longer.
I cant shake this feeling of patheticness that lives within in me, its like a cancer that has grown to occupy and associate itself with so much of my thoughts. I cant look at something simple and not have it trigger these self defeating and narcissistic thoughts.
Everything feeds it and makes it grow, stronger and stronger. It has gotten to the point where it effects everything I do, every conversation I have, every task that I have to go through to live my life.
Is someone had a disease that the doctor could see in a scanner and see that it has spread so much, they would understand. I cant explain something like this, no matter what people would usually just tell me, well you got to get better.
Maybe they are right, but I feel like I rather die since it was my mind that got me to this stage, why get back to normal when normality ended me up here?
The curtain rises and the group enters the second area; the graveyard…
Nicole: It’s spooky, you can see graves with our names on it, too. The full moon is pretty, though.
HDS: It’s so cold, though. I can even see my breath!
Rocketman: The last one was a circus-themed maze so what is this one?
Zetsumei picks up a light gun shaped like a revolver and a katana then says, “This looks like a shooting area. Everyone pick your weapons.”
The others pick various bladed weapons and firearms. Although, Rocketman picks up a light gun shaped like a rocket launcher…
Rocketman: What? It looks cool. Besides, you’re one to talk with your samurai, Western combo!
Zetsumei: That’s purely coincidence. I just happen to like iaido and revolvers.
HDS: Iaido, isn’t that what Rurouni Kenshin uses?
Suddenly, groaning is heard and zombies rise from the ground.
Rocketman: Are they going to start dancing?
Zetsumei uses his revolver to block a zombie’s bite before pulling the trigger. The zombie’s head explodes before turning into ash.
Zetsumei: That will be a no, Rocketman.
Rocketman: Damn, I wanted to see them dancing…
HDS: Why is Halfdead66 rushing ahead?
Zetsumei: Scared, I’m guessing. Pretty good with those ratton baston, though.
HDS: That’s what those long sticks are called?
Zetsumei: I’m not Filipino so I’m relying on Wikipedia for this but I’m guessing yes.
Meanwhile, Rocketman is blowing zombies…up.
Zetsumei gets bitten in the shoulder then regenerates with small digital sparks.
HDS: You’re not human… So, what are you?
Zetsumei: Everyone will find out soon enough…
HDS: What do you mean by that!? Is this a trap or did something happen to you?
Zetsumei smirks before walking to the end of this area…
Nicole says, “Ow! This things actually hurt!” after getting scratched by a zombie.
HDS: We need to get out of here, then.
Dungeon: The last area entrance was locked, though…
Nicole: I guess our only choice is forward…
The rest of the group minus Zetsumei and Halfdead66 exit the area.
The curtain falls on this act.
Omake: The Dancing Zombie?
Rocketman: Why is that singing zombie grabbing its crotch?
Singing Zombie: Ow!
HDS: It’s spinning now…
Zetsumei just walks up to it wordlessly then points his revolver at it. He fires the gun but the zombie doesn’t disappear.
HDS: It’s not a zombie?
Zetsumei sighs then starts to dance with the zombie.
HDS: Zetsumei, what are you doing!?
Zetsumei: Embarrassing myself by letting my childhood fantasies take hold. So, I’m dancing with this ghost.
The rest of the group decides to dance, too.
I haven’t posted in a while, but last time I did I was contemplating on ending my existence. At the time I did not have a reliable method and decided to delay the process. I recently bought an illegal handgun and plan on taking my life tonight with one of the most lethal methods possible. If I do survive then I know I’m going to be suffering severe injuries and may end up worse than I am now, but I’m willing to take that risk. Everybody knows that guns and suicidal individuals don’t mix very well, but it’s only a matter of time before I pull the trigger. I’ve lost all interest in living since it seems like a daily chore, hence I’m not really living anymore and only surviving. I don’t plan on leaving a note behind since that will complicate things and I might change my mind while writing it. Thank you to everyone who has responded to my posts and shared their stories with me. I’ll miss talking to everyone.
I am going to end it these days. I want you to know that no matter what problem you have in your lives it will always be a brighter way. The thing is that in the world are losers and winners. I am a loser, even if have / will have everything this darkness that is inside of me won’t go away. Btw, you are always in control. No matter what happened to you, you are always in control. Don’t be a fucking depressed guy like me and go and live your life at your fullest. Do whatever makes you happy. I am sure that after I’ll die I will be called loser , wanker or good guy. The thing is that I always lived my life for others and forgot to live it for me. I lost my faith in god and became an atheist and when I go to bed I can’t sleep because no matter what I will have in my life I just can’t forget that after death is nothingness and I have been through such a lot of shit and it was only my fault because I was a *****. I don’t wanna be a ***** anymore. I want peace. The only thing that comforts me is that after I pull that trigger it will be peace.
Goodbye guys, happy life 🙂
I’ve wanted to die for as long as j can remember. I’m 29 and can remember wanting to. I’ve had so many opportunities but am too much of a ***** to pull he trigger, jump, take the pills, ect. And believe me, I want to do it. I just can’t. Hopefully the exit bag will help. Just gotta make it. (I just found this site which lead me to the discovery of the bag)
This pulsating pain in my right shoulder, does it mean I’m awake? No… No, I’m obviously still dreaming. I know I should just keep dreaming but with all of the bs in the world, what’s the point? America’s considering voting for a stupid version of Hitler for President, a terrorist group thinks their plan makes sense when it really doesn’t and the world is one itchy, trigger finger away from World War 3! Hah, isn’t the human race wonderful! World peace will be achieved soon! “…And I thought my jokers were bad…” It’s a shame the answer is simple but humans are too fundamentally selfish to realize it… Have fun watching the world burn, guys because I’m quite bored of this movie. So, I think I’m going to walk out of the theater soon. I think I’ll go to the arcade filled with scary games… It’s name? It’s called Hell. Also, this song seems oddly appropriate… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jn3UO5_Hzl8
Something triggered again.
The world is a scary place, huh?
Just an update my car is uncomfortable it does not have good lumbar support lol I’m sleeping in a Parking garage I’m hungry my neck hurts I have no money and I have a continuous headache I took a shower at my gym because I have not yet lost my membership I spend my day going to different subways until they kick me the fuck out so I can use the wifi to look for shit jobs because my data is very low. I’m bored all day and I actually have found creative ways to keep up with my hygiene. I use a water bottle to pour water in my toothbrush so I can brush and lucky for me I have a nice trimmer I use to keep myself from looking like a hobo so yeah life is good I might sleep with my rifle in my mouth tonight with hopes that I wake up in a shock and accidentally pull the trigger. Who knows what I’ll do
Been a while since I posted here… I bought a gun I put it in my mouth and I wanted to pull the trigger but I couldn’t. Anyway at that point I started to see the lighter side of things and now I’m back to the dark and I’ve hit deep space black hole dark. I got a loan for 2500 a month and a half ago and my intention was to go see a woman in Canada that I used to mess around with… You know because we both still have feelings for each other. Well I blew that money at a strip club. Moving on I have 5 credit cards… All maxed out and now I have creditors calling me out the ass trying to get their money I’m currently unemployed I realize it was stupid as shit to get so much debt but whatever I think I’ve exceeded the level of despair that I needed to follow through with it this time because I’m also sleeping in my car due to the fact that my mom kicked her unemployed 19 year old son out of the house… The *****.well anyway just wanted to tell you guys that round two is among us now