When I was born, I had less weight on me then I was supposed to, and don’t get me wrong I understand other people went through this too. I also understand that people go through being teased and being taunted about their weight throughout their lives. But I want to help you understand what it’s like to be black and underweight. I am currently 13 years old, and I weigh 73 pounds. The average for a thirteen year old (f) is 82-137 pounds. Now I feel like you can believe what you want to believe when it comes to normalcy to 13 teen year old (f) weight, but when we go by how light/heavy “we” are supposed to be I am obviously underweight. Below there will be a list of all the things weight has done to me in middle school, if you wouldn’t like to see that then SKIP to the next BOLD title. (warning: they’re all stories/paragraphs)
people think that i can always handle their words well guess whati fuckn cant . i cant handle people calling me fat worthless stupid ugly or them tell me you should die nobody wants you here nobody will miss you if you are gone no one will care . it gets to be to much . i cant handle this anymore i just want to forget everything the pain everything . i dont get why people think its okay to do that to me or others . ive lost so many people .. its been five years since my bestfriend killed herself for the same thing . she wouldve been in ninth grade with me and she would been there for me but NO SHE IS FUCKN DEAD BC OF IGNORANT ASSHOLES. what the hell did she ever do . she was the nicest,most polite and loveling and friendliest person ever she didnt deserve to die or get bullied BUT NO THEY BULLIED HER TO DEATH TO WHERE SHE TOOK HER OWN LIFE . now she is dead and im the one who found her laying on the floor dying i held her in my arms and watched her slowly die and she wants me happy but how the hell can i be happy when she isnt here or the fact i may lose the girl im so fuckn crazy about i fuckn love her so much but i may lose her soon bc of me wanting to cut bc of my past . i was molested by my grandpa 5 times in three years he told i couldnt tell anyone or he would hurt me … so i didnt but it is very hard…. i dont want to remember the pain i went thru in fourth grade when i found my best friend i dont want to remember the pain i went thru 5-8th grade …. i use to weight 140 n now i lost 110 and im underweight bc i starved myself for people to like me and they still hated me .. idk why i even bother anymore….
Well, I’ve been bullied for more than 11 years, 8 of them were really worse. It started all at primary school at the age of 4. For the first in my life I went to school. But after a while my classmates didn’t wanted to play with me any more, or I had the ‘not-populair’ role. When we had to play outside, I played usually alone. Not because I didn’t wanted to play with them, but how hard I tried, they didn’t wanted to play with me. This all may seem very innocent to you, but it was the beginning of all the problems I have right now. Every year I had the same class with the same people, and it got worse and worse. From ignoring me till beating me up. Some things they did: beating me up, being against me with 25 people, calling me names (like: fat, ugly, loser, fat pig, ***** and so on, to make clear: I wasn’t fat in that time, I actually had underweight), follow me home, and more terrible things. My teachers didn’t believed me, even not if I showed them my bruises. My parents didn’t knew the situation was this bad, I didn’t told them because I wanted to ease them (they know now for 4 months). At that time I didn’t realized as an 12-years-old girl that this wasn’t normal. After those horrible 8 years I went to secondary school. I thought everything would change, but a friend of my told everyone in the class that I wasn’t a nice person, not kind, not trustful and more things. My classmates believed her and didn’t took the time to know me. The whole story started again, but it wasn’t as bad as before. After 3 years I went to another location (you need to, so my classmates went to) and to another level, so I wouldn’t be in the same class. But still there were some people that teased me in a not flashy way. Nowadays it has been 13 years ago since it all started, and everything still affects me. I’m afraid to go outside or to be in my village, I get really scared if someone trows something towards me, I’m really insecure about myself and my weight, I have constantly flashbacks, nightmares and hyperventilation attacks and more, I’m depressed and suicidal because of it, I cut myself, and a lot more. I don’t think people really do know how bullying affects someone’s life. I really hope the EMDR therapy will start soon (probably in 2 months) and that it’ll help me.
I’m starting to gain weight! I know that so many females (and some males) would dread this, but I can’t tell you how happy it makes me!
Before my life took a turn for the worse, I use to eat like a pig. I’d have up to 5thÂ servingsÂ for everything and just seem to not stop eating. I’d exercise most of it off, but I was still large for my age. During the time when my depression was at it’s highest, I basically stopped eating and started trying to exercise a lot. As a result, I lost nearly half my body weight. Even as I started getting emotionally better and started eating normally (not as much as before, but still more than the average person should) and stopped exercising as much, I just seem to lose more and more weight. Â It got to the point where I thought I was going to end up underweight and anorexic and as a result, couldn’t stand to even look at a scale.
But tonight something changed. I stepped on the scale and it said that I was 60 kilos (4 kilos more than last time I weighed myself). It may not seem like much, but it means so much to me. I know that I now need to keep a balance so I can eatÂ healthyÂ and neither gain nor lose too much weight, but I honestly think it is a step forward into getting my life back on track and finding myself again.
A very thrilled CPC 🙂