I had to write an essay for one of my teachers and I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote about my suicide thoughts and my scars. And so now my whole family knows and they are giving me all of the attention, and now I have to go to a therapist. I hate all of the attention, and I hate that now I have a therapist. I hate talking about how I’m feeling to someone face to face. That’s why I talk here, I can talk to all of you and you won’t know who I am what I look like, and that we might never actually meet for you to help me. But when I have a therapist it’s exactly what I don’t like. I would think of suicide almost 4-5 times a week, but now that I have a therapist I think about it even more. This website has helped me more than my therapist. I have made a lot of progress with this website to write. I used to cut my wrist 3 times a week, now I cut myself once every two or three weeks. Now I feel like when I cutting myself all over again. But I can’t because my family knows. They are crying for me, they are watching everything I do now, I’m not allowed to be in a room alone only my bedroom and the bathroom. It’s so unfair, I thought that saying what’s on my mind would make things better, but the only thing I did was make myself more suicidal. I should have just kept my mouth shut. (By the way the essay that I wrote is on here and it’s called Suicidal Stories #1)
So, I’ve mostly been coming here, just to make jokes and poke fun. Truth is, I’m losing. I have a taste of fun here, that’s all.
Fuck. Trying to think of what to say….
Wake up every day, hoping today’s the day. Hasn’t been yet.
I set my date or whatever, but, fuck plans and schedules.
I’m not concerned with being considerate in my death. Fuck em.
Always a reason. Always a hope. Always a dream.
So , when it’s time, it’s time. Probably won’t say goodbye. Not going to make a big deal. Guess it’s unfair to those here I click with. I’m sure I can be forgotten.
This place is a trip though. Some you, fuck, only time I smile all fucking day. I could go on and on here, but I don’t wanna make shit awkward. Just know I care bout you more than you could imagine.
And, so that’s where I’m at. Shit IRL too fucked up to discuss , things here I can’t say, so I just keep it all locked up. Make my varying levels of inappropriate jokes. Try not to take me too seriously.
I just saw Batman v Superman for the 2nd time and i have to say i have a much higher opinion of it than when I saw it the first time. The more I think about the more i realize how connected to this movie i am. I understand what its like to not be perfect and lambasted for it. I get what its like not to be accepted for what you are. For people to not see how good you are despite your flaws. I understand what its like tl be pre classified based upon criteria you can’t control because you are grouped in to someones expectation of what you should be instead of what you are. I’m tired of feeling ugly. I wish i knew a way to reprogram my head not to tell myself that. I feel so fucking repulsive that I want to kill myself. I often feel like suicide would be my great deliverance. It wont i dont have a method. Still it seems unfair that i have to drudge on and fail at life because i fail at causing death.
Since 2003 when I was 16 years old I’ve been wanting to die. I prayed for death to bring me peace almost every day since 2003.
I wanted…… no, I BEGGED for death to come to me, but death has been avoiding my call all these years. The reason why I want to die is because my health, both physical and psychological are fu*ked up beyond repair, and on top of it all I never had a single friend nor a girlfriend in my entire 28 years of existing.
Now comes the unfair part, and this really pissed me off when I found out about it.
There was this girl whom I barely knew her. She had everything: many friends, good health, prosperous future and probably a good love-life. She was full of life, and yet death decided to take her instead of me. She died of leukemia aged 24 🙁
I would gladly gave her my life, but sadly that is not possible.
This is so unfair it makes me scream :'(
Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of Loss
Okay, so maybe this is a bit unfair of me to ask at this moment in time…..as I haven’t never posted till tonight. BUT:
Have any of you ever really felt numb? I thought I had and I had to some rearguards….however tonight and as of this week, I realize something more.
And pls forgive me ahead of time, I have been drinking, but this is something I have found this past week…and I am sitting here…still waiting for my CHURRO!!! As if anyone can hear me, while the band is playing loud and I have turned down several offers of dances….I should probably take someone up on one at some point….IDK…..ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNYWHOOOOO……
Have you honest ever really felt numb? I mean so much so that nothing and I mean nothing even brings pain? I have found over the past week that I am no soulless and I am perfectly okay with that, I actually like it….if I am honest.
I’ve been thinking over things that would normally bring me to tears and yet….nothing…nadda….I am just….well, I am just. Simple as that. Granted, I am tipsy not drunk…god how I do wish…lol God….hehehe….how many on here can laugh at that one?
Again…..I am totally numb so much so, that I actually sliced and diced myself up earlier and felt….you guessed it, nothing. I like this. This is what I think being human is. I think all those other little M*F*kers out there is human. I think the people that honestly feel, find pain in places they never knew…we are the “special” ones. the ones born in the wrong place wrong galaxy, wrong time. And now, I guess, I have joined the humans……interesting….isn’t it? Or do I only think that due to my rum that was once in the shot glass before me?
Either way….I am going to join the party….for awhile…then retire to my room for a nice “nap” lol and wake before the sunrises for coffee. My last day is coming, I am so very excited and yet…I am just that calm.
Have a goodnight SP. We are one. We are the choosen, whether we like it or not.
Life is depressing
Life is frustrating
Life is a lot of effort
Life is painful
Life is a lot of bills
…and never enough money
Life is one struggle after another after another
Life is full of bad people, greedy people, and people who will stab you in the back
Life is full of racists, bigots and sexists
Life is full of corruption
Life is unjust and unfair
Life is trying so hard and still getting nowhere
Life is cruel to those born in poverty, living in poverty, born with disabilities or those living with disabilities
Life is not a life when you have no energy to do anything
Life is not happy for god knows how many people
Still feeling sick. Sick like slow, tired, dizzy, nauseous… This awful headache. No appetite. Intense amounts of sleep. Going through benzo withdrawal as an unintended side effect of overdosing and the hospital prescribed hydroxyzine to help with anxiety and withdrawal symptoms. The hydroxyzine makes me tired and blank cognitively but I kind of like it because it’s better than being alone with my thoughts.
I haven’t told my family anything. We are the type of family where this sort of thing is swept under the rug and considered a weakness. I had my friend check me out of the hospital which I know was unfair on her. That phone call probably ruined our friendship. To make things worse, I haven’t showed up to work in a week and I’m pretty sure I’ll be fired when I show up. My healthcare is through them so I don’t know what to do. All I want to do is disappear. To go to sleep and not wake up. I wish I could start over. There is nothing left for me here.
I was too stupid to trust a friend with my suicidal thoughts.
I told her how I want to die.
She told me about people dying wanting to live.
I told her: ‘Life is unfair, people can’t really have what they really want. I want to die but still living, they want to live but they are dying. I don’t see your point. Should I feel blessed for having something others want when I, myself, does not want it?’
Her answer? Ask another mutual friend.
They talked to me about solutions, alternatives, reasons and logic, of all things.
This is not a call for help. This is me discussing my future plan, a very possible future plan.
This is me giving you a heads-up.
This is me saying goodbye.
This is me trying to soften the shock.
This is me already dying while still alive.
I’m not telling you this because I want a prayer, attention, or things to make me happy.
I don’t want help. I don’t need or require help.
I may not commit suicide in a year or two or tomorrow, but that is how I will die. When waking up becomes too much of a chore for me, for someone who’s pretty much a dead (wo)man walking.
Family & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I hate business !
I hate money !
I hate capitalism / capitalist !
The main reason is because business kills creativity & ideas . money kills creativity & ideas . capitalism / capitalist kills creativity & ideas !
There are a LOT of good ideas , creativity , imaginations , inspirations , dreams , & even good deeds that business / money kills ! simply because of a petty, shallow reason “it doesn’t make a lot of money or profits ! ”
money makes the world unfair ! business makes the world unfair ! capitalism makes the world unfair !
plus , the world becomes a boring place !
everything is all about MONEY , business , and profits only ! even though actually Life is SO MUCH MORE than that ! ie: imagination , dreams , creativity , Love , education , inspiration , helping each other , Heart & SOUL , genuine things , sharing , laughter , collaboration together , science , philosophy , and mankind / humanity / civilization make a great jump / leap forward in progress to a totally NEW era / civilization / Mankind / Humanity ! instead of only repeating the same , stupid, shallow, superficial, ignorant , narrow minded , dull , boring , petty , miniscule , & meaningless things like politics, wars about who has the most MONEY , fighting over religion , race differences, etc etc !
I used to have hope for Humanity , hope for Mankind , hope for humans , hope for people , hope for human race , hope for Mankind ‘s civilization … but now unfortunately / sadly I lose hope in humanity , lose hope for mankind , lose hope for humans , lost hope for people , lost hope for human race, losing hope for Mankind ‘s civilization ,.. Humanity is hopeless , Mankind is hopeless , human race is hopeless , human beings is / are hopeless , mankind ‘s civilization is hopeless .. !
I hate people / humans / humanity / society sometimes !
anyone also feel the same ? anyone can relate ?
(PS: have you guys also heard of some alternative movements / solutions like for example : Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project , the Zeitgeist Movement , Thrive movement , Paradigm Shift , Basic Income movement , Equal Income movement ? what do you think ? will it work out as an alternative / solution for our current society ‘s problems ? )
Hey, you guys.
I’m feeling extra gloomy today, and this is the ony place I could think of.
I really wish I was dead already, and I wish I were stronger to just do it. I just can’t take it anymore, I’m at that point where you’ve lost absolutely all hope.
I think the only thing stopping me right now is the unbearable feeling that I will absolutely crush my folks’ heart forever. I realize how unfair it’d be to kill myself when they have done nothing but love me and support me all along. But tell me then, what am i suppose to do when they’re gone and all I have left is this wasted years and this pain that never seems to cease? After all, I guess I won’t really see the consequences of my decisions, and that’s a pretty damn motto to me.
The planning starts now.
April is a pretty month to die, I think.
Dear love, I’m honestly scared. Your voice is everywhere. Are you there? I am not ready for this. There’s so much about you, love, I miss. Do you know that I’m lost? And you left me here on my own. Songs live on but I’m dancing alone. Where is my lullaby? Sometimes I forget you’re gone. You’re all I have, known for so long.
It seems so unfair but the sun still shines and the waves still crash and the wind still blows. I will carry on, what choice do I have?
just saw a christmas countdown on the news.37 days til christmas.where the fuck did the time go?
now i’m all anxious since i haven’t found a job, been unemployed for almost a year.and it’s crushing me since i promised myself that i would make our family’s 2014 holiday celebrations grand.i’ll fund it, make my parents happy and proud,be the best eldest sis giving presents to my siblings.give grown-up gifts to my relatives as a sign of gratitude.bake a lovely cake, impress my bf and his family.
shit, i’m not going to be able to do any of that.none of that.i’m a fucking disgrace, a loser.it’s making me dread the celebrations instead.and it kills me because that’s my favorite time of year.the only time i felt that life was beautiful, even magical.as i get older, it just gets uglier and nastier.life just keeps on becoming more and more brutal.hopeless.unfair.
i long for the days when i was 4, staring at the glowing lights of our small christmas tree, and nothing mattered.when i had hope.when i wasn’t jaded, scarred and callous.god, i wish i can go back in time.
This time it was a boxer.
He was enormous , an unfair death, like always.
I just started to love on him, became attached.
But all good things die.
This is life.
No one knows, or cares to understand…. But this is me…. A girl lost in her own thoughts. The only person that ever loved me died a couple of years ago, he was like a father to me. Now, no to sound cliche but I have nobody. No friends, no family…. None who care enough to ask, ” hey girl, are you ok”
A simple hug or a few words of encouragement will go along way but that never happens…. I often think of killing my self. I wonder what what life would be without me. Some days i find it so hard to get out of bed in the mornings. I think life is so unfair that I see young people dying daily and here I am ( a person who could care less if I lived) having another chance at life… I think somebody else deserves a chance to live than the lonely, depressed girl who has nothing going for her. This depression has such a strong hold on me… I just wish I could shake it off but I fear it might just get the best of me…..
Family & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I hate Money
because it makes people (& society , Humanity as a whole) very shallow & superficial these days / nowadays / today !
90% (or perhaps even more?) Majority / Most people nowadays / today seems to only think about how to make money, how to be rich (and famous), and all/everything of the notion of “success” is simply/only just measured by how much Money (or materials / materialistic stuff) you have.
Most people are so brainwashed by just that mere piece of papers, that they think almost EVERYTHING today/nowadays is & must being ‘ruled/controlled’ by that -ironically- human’s own invention !
Most people I see nowadays only talk about how to make money, make the MOST money (or profits), profitable “business” or “jobs / careers” , and even Everything about social status, Image, and even your own WORTH / VALUE (as a human being) is only just measured by how much “Money or Profits” you have made, or “success / succeed” ! that’s it! NOTHING else !
the most pressing/urgent question (for Humanity / Mankind / Civilization / Human species) then is:
so where is now all OTHER Human’s qualities such as: Love, Caring, Compassion, Empathy, Warmth, Joy, Peace, Laughter, Dreams, Sense of Adventure, Explorers, *Real* Intelligence / Smart (not just simply “sly / tricky / cheaters” or even worse “scams / scammers & snake oil” !! ) , Creativity, Imagination, and most importantly: HEART & SOUL ??..
do you hate money too ?
does anyone else hate money too ?
(google also the currently NEW proposed ‘alternative’ solutions for NEW economy / NEW system / NEW world : Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Zeitgeist Movement, The Venus Project, Zeitgeist Moving Forward (movie/film), Thrive, Paradigm Shift, Equal Income System;.. and also: Illuminati, New World Order (NWO), for those who are really curious..! )
I dont know if i should end my life because their happy moments but sad moments in my life. Sad moments for me is when i get bad grades and school is so stressful or the times I hate my parents for doing unfair things. For happy moment is going to the movies with mom because thats the time where we actually bond and laugh and I love those precious moments.
I find it grossly unfair that if I had a terminal illness I would be discussing its ramifications with my daughter and preparing her for my demise. But because I intend to depart by my own hand, I have to stay silent and she’ll have to endure the shock andÂ the potential lifetimeÂ effects of not only my death, but having no preparation for it.Â All of the questions she’ll have later I would gladly answer now, but that’s against the rules.
Do you know this girl we love,
With all our heart and care.
Itâ€™s really not her problem,
I tell you, this is so unfair.
The numbers are quite shocking,
One in four they say
Will suffer from depression
In their lives one day.
There’s not much life in this girl anymore
Because of this serious mental flaw.
But no one knows when it will strike,
Itâ€™s just the luck of the draw.
She would not choose to live with it,
Sometimes not even try.
I see this little girl suffering
And all she can do is cry.
Some people turn the other cheek,
They’ve been doing it for years.
But I must face the pain I see,
In this little girls tears.
the raven colored hair
falls upon her smooth face
the once warm and inviting eyes
are now shedding tears
dripping dropping ever so quickly
pittering pattering in her lap
as she curls up in a ball
wanting so badly to die and go
she opens up her mouth
and sighs ever so silently
she goes to speak to tell the world
but the room is dark and silent
will anyone hear her silent pleas
alas they will not because
she will mask them and hide them
hides her tears from the world
puts on a fake smile to mask her frown
looks down when passing people
to hide the tears running down her face
she feels chained to the world
and she thinks its unfair that the people
her peers, her friends, her companions
are chaining her down to this world
and not letting her go like she wishes
but alas it is for her protection
and to keep her here on planet Earth
but then again she wants to go so badly
she wants the pain to end now
she does not know how to be happy anymore
she cannot smile a real smile now
she used to be so carefree and naive of the darkness
but now she has discovered the darkness
and it has taken her and tortured her
she pulls on the chains harder and harder
each and every day hoping that one day
the chains will break and she can finally go
her smooth face once so bright and happy
is now hidden by her raven colored hair.
Life is so unfair. Life is always giving me hard time even though i can handle it, but i’ m getting weaker, slowly i’m givingup. Each morning, I always tell to myself, why i am still alive. Is God still loves me?.. Why I’m still waking up every morning and still breathing?.. What will I do? I cant kill myself because i dont want to hurt my love ones especially that i have my first boyfriend. i dont want him to be like lea michele because of cory monteith. i want to be happy. i want to feel that i am loved by the people around me. i must say that i am sad, depressed, frustrated today. i hate the way that i live. 🙁