am i crazy if i said i want to die because i just want to know the truth? if i just want to meet god? am i wrong? maybe, yes. but is it too much to ask for god?
well, i’ve been living my past months wishing, everyday, that god would kill me because for some reason i don’t want to kill myself. people say that if you really want something that you will get it as long as you believe in god. well, i try to keep my believe so that god will grant my wish. but right now i’m pretty much still alive.
6 months i’ve been live my life hoping that this is the day for me to die until 5 weeks ago.
i fail to graduate from my university because apparently I’m late for submitting my final paper and have to wait until next year to retake the final paper test again (Ii’m not sure what its called in english). and i broke up with my girlfriend because she graduated and for unknown reason just tell me that we cant’t no longer be together (she said and i quote “you must be understand me”).
well, yeah, i’m a failure.
before all of that happen i think i’m the most selfish person in the world because i think i’m not feeling anything about my dying wish. but after that, its like the universe want me to dead. like god himself is trying to give me a message. everyday in this 5 weeks i’m thinking about the point of life, why we exist, why god created human just to praise him, did he really need that? now that i don’t care about god anymore, i stop praying, i stop asking for death, but i just want to die. suicide thought always come to my mind.
now i know how live a life without feel, without pain, without anger, without purpose, i lost my faith about god and about what i believe. and suicide thought come to mind. what stopping me now for suicide is just my family (whom i lived far away from them and i’m not really tell anything about my life to them). i just love my family and the thought about what will happen to them if i commit suicide always stopped me from doing it. i don’t want to talk to them or anyone else because i feel like i know how everybody will react about someone who wants to commit suicide. that will not help me.
so i’m doing some googling about suicide because i thought maybe i could use some internet help to talk me out of it) and i found this website. for the past hours i read some of the posts. it still doesn’t change my mind.
i don’t know that will help me… maybe it’ll help if i just dead.
i don’t even know why i write this and post this here. maybe there is still some hope deep inside me. i don’t know. maybe fate has brought me here made me write this and send me someone who can help from here. so, are you here?