“The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved”
“The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved”
Warning: for those reading this, I apologize for the lengthy post. I just can’t help but feel trapped in my body. It seems I can never escape the thoughts in my mind besides when I’m sleeping. I just want to sleep forever.
Why is it always me??? Why can’t I find the happiness I so truly want and deserve? Why do I feel unwanted? Used? Betrayed? Unloved? Is something wrong with me? Maybe I’m destined to be alone forever..and if that’s the case, why am I still here? The man I love doesn’t seem to love me back… yet I’ll find any excuse to try and love him still because it is so much better than to face everything alone. I’ve been used so many times in the past…I guess I’m just used to it.
I just want to feel like for once in my life..I am enough for somebody. I just never seem to be enough for someone. I always love too much..care too much..feel too much for people who don’t give a damn about me. Yet I love them still..tsk..how tragically pathetic.
I cried myself to sleep again last night. I always thought there was something romantic about fighting for someone. About winning them back, about eventual happiness. But as I lay here with stones in my chest where hope used to lie, I have come to realize that there is nothing lovely about trying to convince someone to love you.
I’m just tired of being here…I don’t want to do this anymore…
To my lovely family: I love you all so much.. But I can’t seem to find the strength or the will to go on anymore. I never meant to hurt any of you and I’m sorry.
To my one and only love, I am sorry. Not a lot of people thought we could last. I guess they were right..despite my effort of trying so desperately hard to prove them wrong. I wish I could say love could be my salvation..I just wish you could’ve seen what was right in front of you. I loved you better than anyone and yet I love you still…I just wish I was enough..I wish I was strong enough to stay here.
When all that you feel
When colours all bleed
When your heart
What is the reason
Can you die
From a shattered, broken soul?
I want to sleep – I want to cease
I never want to wake up again
Please, please – I should not be here
I guess many can say I’m overreacting. Many would say the cliche “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”. But I am done.
21 years of my life someone actually returned their feelings. Someone made me happy. We were in love.
I have been used, manipulated, led on and abandoned. But this person…they weren’t anything like that.
They were innocent. They weren’t capable to do such things. But my past hurt, and my mental illness drove us apart and I feel much worse than before.
I was suicidal and planned but they came into my life and saved me. They picked up the pieces and glued me together. But fucked up things happened and I swirled back to depression. Happiness didn’t last long. My love fell out of love with me. They no longer wanted to be together with me.
But treated me with such indifference.
I wanted to prove my worth and pulled my shit together. I kept trying to persuade them to give me another chance. But they rejected me. They no longer cared about my well being. They just didn’t care anymore. I was nothing.
I am very unhappy feeling empty. No one will understand how much this person means to me. Ever fell in love with someone you never met? You fell in love with their voice and their personality… and they saw interest in you. They were kind and sweet. I would accept them no matter what they liked like and then when you knew what they looked like they were the most beautiful person you ever saw that you find yourself not being able to be attracted to other people’s looks? That’s how my heart works. I can’t find myself to be interested in anyone else because of how magical we met. Then God or something played a cruel joke on me and took them away and have them abandoned me and made me feel very unimportant. My heart ached ever since September 2014. I am done.
I will silence this heart. I got a plan. Something sharp.
On the day that lovers celebrate.
I’m only 22. Such sadness. I prayed. I tried to be positive and live. But I am suffering. I want peace.
Please give me peace.
I am a 14 year old teenager, depressed and suicidal. I know this may sound stupid but does anyone know any pills that will make me pass out if I overdose? I am not exactly trying to kill myself, just a way of revealing my pain to my parent without having to actually talk to them, but let’s just say I wouldn’t care if I died overdosing.
I know I will receive lots of “don’t do this” “you don’t deserve life” and “you’re worth it” but I don’t believe any of that. I hate my life and myself so much, I don’t think anything or anyone can change this. So please, spare me the sweet comments about how everything will get better and I should stay strong because I can’t, I am a weak person who cannot handle anything anymore.
I have been cutting for about three months now. I cut my wrists, legs and stomach. I have been very good at hiding them, at least I thinks so, but now I have a problem. I’m sick therefore not going to school and left alone at home for the day. My mom’s friend is a doctor and my mom asked her to come over and check upon me, find out why I’m sick and how to recover. I’m so scared that the doctor is going to make me undress, because I’ve been to doctors loads of times before I started self harming and many times I had been asked to remove my clothes, leaving me in my underwear, so that the doctor could do a few tests on me.
If I have to undress, the doctor will literally see all my scars except for the ones hidden under my bracelets. I tried putting concealer on them but they’re still visible. I even called my mom and begged her to not make her friend come, claiming that I was fine but she didn’t listen to me.
Since all I seem to have is a cold, technically the doctor should only check my throat, right? Or will she have me remove my clothes? How can I avoid having to remove my clothes? Tell her I’m a lot better? I don’t know what to do. Or do you know any other ways to hide my scars? Or any other excuses to convince my mom not to let the doctor come, or the doctor not to have me get undressed?
because of RELIGION I AM FILTH.
I AM GOING TO HELL. because of RELIGION.
I AM NOT INVITED TO HEAVEN because I am a dirty Srilankan who has done bad things. I am too UGLY TO be treated kindly >I am TOO FAT AND BAD to be treated kindly. Can someone ever see themselves flying through a hose with a brown shirt on, all that’s left of them because of ISLAM?
I Saw HOW GOD SAW ME AND DEPICTED ME AND know i’m going to HELL, and know HATRED and know CRUELTY and know a CRUEL JOKE> cruel joke spelled backwards is JESUS CHRIST. MY RELIGION is for slaves. I AM GOING TO HELL> HE LAUGHS AT ME AND MOCKS ME AND MAKES FUN OF ME AND INSULTS ME. HE says i’m the ugliest woman he’s ever seen. and on his Earth.
Can anyone say those things about a MAN who CONSIDERS HIMSELF GOD and that ppl like me are going to HELL CUZ WE INSULTED HIM.
I hate them being in love everyday while i GET BEATEN ACROSS THE FACE BY THE MEN IN THE ROOM. they said i’m the only one who could see it cuz i’m a Â U.
HOW DO YOU LIVE WITHOUT wanting to DESTROY THIS CRUEL SYSTEM?
My boyfriend and I have had a relationship for 9 years. It has had it’s wonderful moments.. but it has had many bad ones too. I get so angry with him for his lack of care and concern. I’ve thrown him out recently and now I feel as though my entire world is gone. I have no desire to even want to wake up! EVER AGAIN! All i have ever wanted was his love. I’ve had people tell me he loves me. I’ve heard hims say it. But I have not felt it in such a very long time. I’m 48 years old, I’m over weight, I recently had all of my upper teeth removed and now have no upper teeth, I’m starting to wrinkle and the man I have devoted my life to the past 9 years pays no attention to me, doesn’t hold me, doesn’t hug me, doesn’t seem to care a bit about me at all. If I don’t work he tells me I don’t do anything and makes me feel guilty that I don’t work(even though I have a mother’s benefit for my daughter that pays the rent) IF I get a job he complains that I am messing up his schedule with my new job. I’m in a damned if I do and a damned if I don’t sort of spot with that! Sometimes we don’t have food and I have to go to the help center for groceries. I feel neglected, unloved, and uncared for. Tired of feeling this way = I asked him to leave. He said it was over and left just reassuring me of those uncared about feelings…
NOW – I just don’t want to exist any more. I am so hurt that he cares so little and without any real reason… he just stopped loving/caring for me. I hate it…. i’m too old to be single.. I don’t want to be single… I want HIM and not some new person to start all over with. My self esteem is so low I don’t even think it exists anymore… All I want to do is lay down, go to sleep,and NEVER wake up again!!!! I feel hopeless, worthless, un deserving, and just pain pain pain in my heart, in my soul, in my mind…. I want it all to go away!!!! I’ll never have his love or care and I don’t want to live without it. I’m scared to seek help because the “help” they give is NOT going to take the pain away!!! I’m angry, crushed, scared, and sooo very alone.
But maybe you are there… the place I now want to be. Maybe we will meet, glass_music_cup… finally. Maybe you will be there and I can tell you. And, you can tell me. We can finally share without shame. We can embrace and feel at a level that others won’t until they do. Bliss.
Call for me. Reach for me. Tell me what to do… please. I am broken. Unloved. You know what I mean. Ready and prepared. In order… it’s all in order.
Meet me there. Please.
See you on the other side. Soon. Let this be the way out. Please.
Hey everyone , you can call me Reem . I’m 16 years old and live in Saudi Arabia .. at the first look at me you’ll see a normal girl who has an amazing life , who doesn’t need anything and has no reason to be sad or deprssed , but that proves you don’t know me ..
I’ve been holding this for a long , long , long time … I forgot even when it all started , but I wanna let it out and share it in order to fully open up for the first time in my life !
when I was little I was molested by my aunt’s son .. my uncle’s son saw it all and started blackmailing me asking for what he saw .. I didn’t know what to do except keep saying no .. and then I met this cousin of mine , he was sweet , caring and he listened to me .. that was when I was 9 …
when I reached 12 I told him about what happened between me and my aunt’s son .. He came up to me after 2 days telling me he doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore because of what happened .. I was heartbroken , he was the first onlyÂ person who listened to me and were there for meÂ .. I was forced to feel unloved and aloneÂ since I was 12 .. I started noticing my flaws .. comparing myself with every girl I see , I stopped eating cause I realized I was fat and convinced myself that me being fat is a reason why none of the girl like talking to me..
The next year was my first year in middle school , I made up my mind on starting new this year and trying to get over everything .. I met these girls , they were funny , hilarious .. and sweet .. I ruined what they had with me with lies ..
I kept telling them a lie after a lie .. and ironically I thought they believed it when they were making fun of me behind my back .. and when they confronted me with those lies I told .. I froze .. I realized that what I have done was wrong … I was speechless .. obviously they stopped talking to me ..
a year later I met my aunt’s son (that asshole) and he looked straight in the eye .. like he didn’t do anything wrong to me .. like it’s ok that he ruined my childhood and made nightmares haunt me since I was an innocent little child ..
I grew up being perverted thanks to what he did to me .. I saw him in every guy .. I couldn’t trust anyone after that look he gave me .. I felt cold , heartless .. I began to turn like him .. after all he had his imprint on me
after 2 yearsÂ , at the beginningÂ of this school year .. I went to the same highÂ school that those girls from middle school went to .. I thought it’d be ok to start fresh with themÂ , and I didÂ .. no more lies , no more heartlessness.. thenÂ something that broke me to the core happened …
I had a friend who I helped once , his name is Alex and he’s aÂ selfharmer .. I promised him that I’ll always be there for himÂ , he told me he felt loved when I told him that promise ….Â 3 months after that , I heard about his overdose … I was Devestated , I didn’t know what to do or what to say .. I broke my promise , I wasn’t there for him when he needed me like I said I would .. I’m a hypocrite liarÂ and a promise breaker … that’s what I am Â
I spent my whole week on my bed crying .. the last 2 days I cried feeling numb like I forgot why I was crying in the first place .. one day my older sister walked in and asked why I haven’t been eating for the last 4 weekz .. I ignored her .. she said :”you’re worthless , you know that , right ? you’r just an extra number in this family that’s all” .. To make her shut up I got every little scrap of the energy left in me and went to the bathroom .. crying silently and hitting the walls and punching my thighs didn’t make me feel better like it used to .. and then I realized that I stopped feeling .. looked in the mirror and saw that I was crying like I never did , My eyes were swallon red with dark circles around them for not sleeping and having nightmares all night long .. I looked down at my hands and I saw them covered with bruises from hitting the walls .. my thighs are even worse … and I kept asking myselfÂ “when did this all happen ? where have I been ? did I truly did this to myself ? seriously ?”Â to be honest , I didn’t feel sad about it .. I didn’t feel madÂ ,Â disgusted or any of those things .. I couldn’t feel my senses .. I just felt the coldÂ , you know what I mean ?
I asked myself “bruises , Scratches .. what else Reem ? how low can you get” .. I lookedÂ down at my arms and used my nailÂ to cut deep ..Â I wanted to feel something .. I NEEDED to feel something .. a couple of blood drops fell on the wet floor .. it felt amazingÂ , relieving and safe .. it was the only pain I could control ..
yes ..I started cutting using my nails and twice only I used the scissors .. A lot of people haven’t noticed that I’ve been wearing long sleeves or anything of that so I thought I was safe .. I told my so called friend at school about it and showed them my cuts .. they kept lecturing me saying “Open your eyes ! Look around , you have a great life you should be grateful” I didn’t say anyhting as always , I stayed quiet ..
that was 4-5 months ago .. now I haven’t cut since My little sister saw my cuts and told me that she was afraid of me going to hell for killing myself ..the look on her eyes .. yes IÂ felt relievedÂ when I did it .. but still I didn’t wanna hurt my little sister ..
and now , I’m ashamed of what I used to do , yet I still hurt but I don’t show it .. I bury it deep inside of me ..I rememeber these lines from the song I bleed by Outcast youth :
“I try everyday just to keep getting better
to block out the thoughts but I’m under the weather
the pressure is building , I need to release
I’m out of my depths and I’m feeling week
I’m sick of this pain and I want it to end
my oldestÂ enemy and my only friend
a blade in my hand and my life in front of me ,
I’m Stranded between relapse and recovery”
I relate to that song soo much .. and now Everyone looks at me like I’m a life savior and an inspiration while I break everyday in my room remembering that promise I broke … they don’t know how many long nights I’ve stayed up crying ..they don’t know how many nights I’ve stayed up on my bed for no goddamn reasonÂ ..
and now I’m constantly torn between killing myself or killing everyone around me …
what should I do ? I don’t wanna hurt anyone anymore …
i am so alone,
i am so lonely,
no matter which way i put it its still the same, and it doesn’t make it go away
i need love,
i crave love,
and yet i find my self alone, i find myself unloved.
i dont know what to do or say to achieve anything. so i am alone.
right now i have a stringent obsession for a girl that i will never be able to have,
due to one simple fact. she doesnt like men LOL
oh the calamity, that it so awful. i know right?
its whatever i guess, if the only thing i can be is a friend thats what ill be.
but it still sucks, and it still eats at me. but soon ill be all eaten up! (fuck you doctor suess)
i just wish one day i could wake up and know what to do. omg you lazy bastard you want a simple life?? yes, yes i do. thats for losers! well i guess im a loser
it would be simple and easy yes, but i guess it takes all the fun out of life. but how hard knocks is fun, i fail to see.
so instead i rant about pointless things when i really have harder issues to ***** about, but the hard stuffs straight forward, some how the simple things are what get under my skin the most. i really dont care anymore that my mom and step dad rage beat me or that my dad is a pointless nobody who likes to hold power over the young and ignorant, or the ones without power. that shit is explainable and its all in the past. though i may have reoccurring memories ive already lived through it once. the loneliness kills, the paranoia kills, the pain kills, the dull and dreary existence kills, the thought that some one else makes her happy and pleases her kills. its all the small things that are so great.
its just ugh! if i could go back 2 yrs in time and just run away to my friends and never went home, i would be better off, i wouldnt be lonely and ect.
but the choices you make right? all up to fate right? i dont fucking care. i just dont care. i will never ever be who i want, i will never ever get what i want and ill just be… exactly
i hate my name, i hate my face i hate my body i hate my choices in life, i hate my existence, i hate my mind, i hate time, i hate all the time.
i in reality am i nice caring guy, i tend to be a gentleman, and i can be sweet. but i see all these nasty fucking guys with all these friends and girls and shit, so i put on this persona of being just like that. and i get the title creepy. lol. yes i know its hilarious.
another thing, im a perv, and i like to flirt. but who doesn’t? but when i do do it, im a whore, bleh fuck the stereo types. im me. that’s it, just boring fucked up me.
i could write all this sappy shit about how i like her eyes, and how she has beautiful hair, or how i like her smile, i like to see her smile and make her smile and how i just want her to be happy. but it would be pointless, and probably push her away. so yeah
this is another one of my pointless rants about shit about shit with shit next to shit about shit on shit under shit with more shit about shit about shit about shit. (man you need a grammar lesson, that was one hell of a run on sentence.) go shove it grammar nazi.
this will probably go unread, and i don’t give a fuck, it feels good to write, although all i can seem to write is pointless babble. its gotten out of me and spammed sp, so i guess in effect it did something.
so it appears i came here to write about one thing and ended up on several, enjoy nonexistent reader.
There’s this stairwell that leads to the edge of a cliff.
If those steps consists of this…
To be Rejected.
To be Dissapointed.
To feel Unloved.
To feel Alone.
To be/feel Depressed.
To be/feel Disregard.
To have no one to turn to.
To be ignore everytime.
Then I’m so damn close to the edge.
hello world iv see you about now after a life of deth filld torts and me whanting to leve this place i can look you in the eye and say
keeping me sane
dead men stering with cold eyes
my last look
i was being bulled andÂ beten
and now i can say why
now i can say if the sky falls ill be the ferst to here it crack and bend cos i feel like it
hanging by a tred not willing to let go but whanting to
cut to sreds by my own hands and my blood falls in a flood
like you sky im alone with onlyÂ the sun and the moon for compney
hanging from my finger for the last 16 yers and saying why
im leting outÂ some thingÂ shy
whanting to diy
whanting to fly
wating to fall
whating for a call of some kind saying im on my way
maybe not this day but the next
but ill promis you ill be there
ill be there
you didunt think of one thing my body had other plans on leting me diy…
all arownd is dust
no talens but a lust
for cher and happyness
youv taken my life my home and my love and….
im liveing im brething im a person
so why tret me so
am i an experment
a oneÂ time toy that ill brake and bend
love you 🙂
I cant bring myself to tell anyone. The one person i love enough to tell doesnt listen. Maybe he listens but doesnt want to know. I hate myself and the life i have. But its not a bad life which makes it so much worse. I have tried to kill myself by cutting when i was a preteen but was so chicken shit i only gave a little scratch. Then as i got older i turned to pills for the pain. Overdosing did nothing but send me off to fitfull bouts of bad dreams only to wake up with a pounding headache. As a side effect painkillers have pretty much no effects on me now. But thats all the past and this is now. This is me at 22 with a 1 yr old engaged to the only man i have loved for over 5 years. This is me who graduated top 1% in high school and was offered a full scholarship to Stanford but turned it down again because im too chicken shit. This is me who got pregnant because he wanted kids so bad and wanted to make sure his 60 yr old ill parents (who waited til their 40s to have kids…) would get to see their grandchildren. This is me who has struggled for almost 2 yrs being a stay at home mom who is trying so hard to love her daughter and teach her the right things only to feel that i am failing. That it was selfish to bring such innocence into this world and have to lie to her and say it is worth living only to die. This is me wanting to be with this man i love more than anything but fighting his need to get married. This is me struggling to find the happy confident girl i was when we met so we can be happy when we wed. This is me realizing that i have given up so much and changed myself completely because i want his approval. But he never cares. This is me seeing myself and wondering why i let him control me without even trying. This is me realizing all my life has been someone elses. This girl right here who has done everything he has asked. She is to blame. That coward who was too chicken shit to do anything. She is winning. And me…im stuck fighting to tell him..trying to get him to help me..to save me…to prove it hasnt been just for him but for me as well. Im fighting to stop this darkness that threatens me when im alone. My daughter doesnt need a mom like mine. She doesnt need the coward me orthe dark me..she needs the strong me…i need the strong me..he needs the strong me…but i cant find her. This is me…lost. confused. Alone
reasons for doing this
1. Im addicted to trying to hurt myself
2.I have loads of pills its to hard to get rid of them.At at least for me.
3. Im pretty sure nothing will come of it anyway. After all ive attempted suicide more times than can count and a lot of the times i was never admitted for treatment.
4. Ive been very scared lately of death which is very ironic.But the point is i dont want to be around without the people i love.I dont want to feel the emotional pain of loss.
5 I cant survive on my own.One of my disorders causes me to lose the ability to walk or even move sometimes at all.I dont even take my own pills.My mom gives them to me and checks my mouth now at the suggestion of my therapist.I am a prisoner.
6 Im losing my old therapist and im tired of repeating my story to people over and over again.
7 I dont have very much to live for.
8 Few friends.
9 never been loved.
10. Obsessed with suicide and think of it every night.
11.People dont care or rather they dont know how to care
12 the future looks very bad.
13 Im mentally ill and a lot of mentally ill people end up homeless.Will i be homeless when my parents are gone?
14.For some odd reason feel like the pain i have i s caused by a terminal disease
15 im a sick twisted fuck
Last day at work for the year today.
I don’t want to seem like I’m obsessed with myself, but I probably am. I feel so alone and unloved. No matter where I am or who I’m with I’m always alone.
I feel unsafe. I’m listening to Breathe Me by Sia and it makes me want to cry. But I can’t cry.
I keep playing death over and over in my mind on an endless loop like a song I can’t get out of my head, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Not yet. The councillor asked me the other day if I actually want to die, or if I just want my pain to end. This time, I don’t know the answer. I think about it non-stop. I don’t know why I would actually want death rather than an end to pain, but somehow, the idea of ending my pain seems pointless. Suicide is just taking control of the one thing in life nobody has control over. Does it even matter? My cells have replaced themselves countless times since I was born. I’m not the same person I was years ago. Maybe the person we are is just a gradual progression of births and deaths until the big one.
I feel like there’s nobody out there who cares, except those for whom I’m a constant disappointment. I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel. Not really.
Today is the end of the world yet again. Maybe that’s kind of fitting.
I feel helpless.
Unmotivated. Unloved. Pathetic.
It’s not because of my pessimistic mindset but it’s what everyone thinks I am. They’re right. I am worthless. I feel like I’m hanging off the edge and no one is there to save me. My parents would never understand why I’m unhappy. They would say how blessed I am to live under a roof and have food.
Maybe I’m ungrateful, too. But it’s not my fault that I feel this way. Depression has taken over my life and I think I can handle it on my own with a blade and self-loathing. I’m a coward as well. Instead of discussing my problems I go off the deep end. My fatal flaw.
I’ve had bouts of depression throughout my life. However, I was at one point and recently married, happy, and hopeful. Â Then one day the dark storm approached. My wife admitted to having multiple affairs, one in our first year of marriage (6 years total), and one that was still currently going on. There were other men in the middle. Just a month before this, she was talking to me about having children with me. Sending me baby names, etc. It was blue sky for me at that time… maybe a cloud or two. Once she told me, I thought I could fix the problem but it was as if she didn’t want anything. I left her and went to spend time with my family. About a week after this fallout, I was laid off from my job. I was at an all time low. Luckily, I did have an interview for a new job that came up. The problem was that it was in a state that I didn’t know anyone… ZERO. My mind wasn’t ready for this but it appeared to be the only job offered over the 4 months of looking. So here I am, alone in a strange state, recently divorced, and desperate for any kind of support. My family can only do so much from far away… and haven’t offered to come out. For four months I’ve been trying to make a life in this small town but no one will accept me. Am I broken. All I feel is pain growing inside. It hurts to feel rejected, unloved, alone. I have never thought about suicide so seriously until now. I always said never me. But now???? My coping mechanisms are not strong enough for the pain. I’m so tired………….
Please log in to report posts