After around 20 years of contemplating suicide and one attempt 15 years ago (when I was 14) I’ve got a plan… but it requires a bit of a wait.
I’ve come to realize how much it would hurt my mother, emotionally and physically, if I were to end it now. She’s 70 and has moved in with me because she can’t do everything that she used to be able to do. Ever since I was born she’s dedicated her all to bringing me up and has said if I were to ever die she would too, of a broken heart. Now the […]
It’s strange to be in this position again.
Writing on here as well as writing notes. This time is different, it is clearer for me. Easier to see what is happening. It’s like I’m aware of my own decline but I can’t do anything to stop it. I’m stuck in this debilitating state and I just can’t see what to do.
I’m too scared to tell anyone who could help out of fear of others finding out. I can’t help imagining what will happen if I decide to go though with it.
I just want someone who matters to me to ask if I’m okay.
If only I could meet her now…
A girl that see’s me for my troubles and doubts.
Someone willing to reach out their hand to me, help me out of this mess.
I’ve created it for myself, this world of hurt I call my life.
So far any sort of opportunity or chance at redemption has never come my way.
I fight alone, and sure I got friends but when I need them the most…they’re never there.
Can’t tell you how many times I dream of a life where I’m happy.
No shit too, I’ll have dreams where I am with her again.
But she’s always out of my reach.
No matter what I […]
I made an unsuccessful attempt three weeks ago. Just told my doctor, been signed off for three months. Waiting for the crisis team to show up in the next couple of hours. I scare myself.
Got a snack. There is CHEESE on them! Gotta eat something before I go grocery shopping.
I found this site while i was searching up ways on how to die on overdose of sleeping pills. I’m so tried of everything and my whole life just isn’t worth fixing or believing in. Everyone else has given up on me already. Or my parents just want me to be an entirely different person than who I really am.
I wrote my suicide note during my lunch period at school, which shows that I have zero friends that I can talk to about this. They try to understand me. But there’s not much to understand.
The truth is that I just don’t give a sh!t […]
Waiting… for someone
Waiting… for some time
Waiting.. Waiting.. why?
Always waiting for things to ‘get better’
Time to ‘feel better’
Better has eluded me for 30 years now –
I think that 30 years is far too long to wait.
I just want to close my eyes and be gone.
Endless waiting vs. endless sleep?
I choose endless sleep
And just when you find a flicker of hope,
you realize all you saw, was a reflection in
the mirror, a glimmer now gone, so too is my resolve
And so, I’ve met my fate
Waiting for the faith
Into action, the contradiction
It didn’t reach this from across
My teacher, what is the master
Disciple, Subdivision of the Green
Division, party
Cost way too much to, Australia
And you from yonder, I failed to you
I’m on my own
Seeking to the totem.
How can I
Wind
Pluto had better chance
Waiting for it to grow
I’m worst than a skeleton
Away from existence
Can I go
Then, until other
The only place that I can
Is, lose
Of singing
Traditional of my origin
I go
A light year ago
I find myself just waiting.
I’m in the world’s longest queue and just when I get to the end, I’m redirected by a version of myself back to where I started.
I’d say things were going better because to everyone else, it appears like my life is picking up again. I’m talking to friends, showering, sleeping fairly normally and going the gym regularly.
But it’s not okay. I am useless at pretending to be okay. It is not a skill I have mastered.
Went to a different therapist the other day. She really was a lovely woman, but I told her exactly what she wanted to hear. Just like […]
im going to see my doctor soon that’s specifically for my anti-depressants. I started at 50mg then 75mg and I don’t think I can keep going on in life with out more. Yes I’m depending on medicine to help me but it hurts so much without it. it helps for a while then I just have to up the dosage. What am I suppose to do? I keep getting urges to cut and sometimes I fall in to them. How am I supposed to fight self hate and self harm at the same time??
So far today I’ve almost beat the hell out of my *****-in-law…
Then they left to do things.
They came back with alcohol… wonderful…
So, I guess the wait for an argument to start is underway.
Let’s hope this doesn’t get nasty.
The Muk, back and forth
Approaches from the dark
It approaches coming at you
Why doesn’t it stop
Side to side
Who or what, does it try to find
Butterfree, Caterpie
Nidoran, Nidoran
Waiting for the day that I can be alone
But then, I need somebody to help me breathe
The labyrinth, the spiral
Maybe one day, my electric one
Will I fly but I need to now
Bicycle, bicycle, auto-vehicle
Short one.
About 4 days ago I ate 20 castor seeds. I kept them down for about an hour to two hours so they should have been fully dissolved. I peuked and had bad diarreah for about a day then the throwing up went away. The liquid poops I still have. And I havent had a solid one since. I know that its supposed to take a few days but it seems like its not going to work. Any body have any experience trying with ricin/castor seeds?
The stomach doesnt dissolve it as were in another form. We dont have to go into that though because of […]
On my wrists and at my feet,
My containment, now complete.
To hell they say, will be my way –
Leaving dreams to fade away.
Hollow now, I sit and stare –
Recalling deeds that got me there.
I hope my friend will come to call,
Dressed for death and standing tall.
Ready now, I close my eyes –
My heart is slow and tranquilized.
Surrender now – the only way
I wait for him to call by day.
Late last night he left my bed,
And took the halo from my head.
An empty shell was left behind,
A pretty face without a mind.
I sit within my gilded cage,
The need has left to turn the page.
Crying out brings no […]
I’m lying on my bed waiting.
For the suicide and self harm thoughts to stop.
For my tears to stop flowing.
For my pillow to dry up.
The sun is coming up and I’m still awake.
Thinking.
Waiting.
Listening to the birds telling me to sleep.
More waiting.
For the numbness that will greet me soon.
Hopefully.
I just want to be at peace
Even if it means becoming numb and never being able to be happy ever again.
I’m waiting.
I don’t want to feel anymore.
I’m waiting to become numb.
The night before last I let my anchor go – the only person who held me somewhat together. He broke up with me last year after a few years of long distance dating but we remained close friends up until now. He has a new girlfriend and it was clear he was drifting further away from our friendship no matter how much he denied it. I don’t blame him. He was broken like me when I met him, not suicidal that I know of but certainly depressed, and over the years he has gotten better and I have not.
It was probably horrible of me but […]
I sit by the computer
Waiting for a response
Someone to talk to
Just one person
Thats all I want
Someone to talk to
That is there
But I mean
Who would?
Who would talk to a depressed and suicidal girl like me?
Who would sit and take their time to talk to me?
People have lives I understand that
But all I just want is someone to talk to
I feel so lonely sometimes
When I just sit here
With the music on playing softly
Just waiting for a response, but never getting one
Oh so lonely…
Hello, Lonely.
I see you there.
Waiting,
thinking,
dreaming of better things.
Hello, Beautiful.
I see you there.
Leaving marks
on your lovely skin.
Waiting
for someone
to see your pain.
One hour. You said it was going to be ONE. FUCKING. HOUR. I waited and waited and waited some more, tried to call your cell & never got an answer. “I’m still here,” I said, “in case you forgot to come and pick me up.” I waited more, God knows I lost count how long.
I said to myself, Fine, if you don’t come and pick me up when you say you will, you can come and pick me up at the fucking morgue! I was tempted, just a bit, to walk out into oncoming traffic, or climb over the balcony railing and jumping off. But […]
Please log in to report posts