I am so tired of my life and myself, my thoughts makes my throat hurt and the pain shivers down to my chest. Its so tempting to just ram a knife up my throat. If I ever get my own apartment I woulnd’t be surprised if I actually did something like that, I want to cut my guts out, bleed out and destroy myself. As many others on this place my urge grows bigger towards my birthday, I don’t know why that is.. but I suppose to me it feels natural to go out on the same date that you came in.. I also had some goals I wanted to complete before my birthday and of course did not manage.. Hard to know how long I should put up with my life, I don’t want to end up like the older people on this website with huge regrets that they didn’t end their lives 10-20 years ago.
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I’ve surprised myself by actually returning to this website a few days later, despite not initially planning to. I’m not particularly in a depressed mood like usual, but I expect it to rise up on me anyday now. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about.
I want to talk about my personality. And I wanted to ask if others were like this too, because I feel this is a major reason why I’m so detached to people in my life. I take pride in my terrible personality, I think the most fitting term would be “*****” but frankly, it’s much more. I like to see people hurt (both physically and emotionally), but I never have the courage to hurt them myself (but I have considered it numerous times. sometimes you just feel the unbearable urge to crush someone’s toe, y’know). But my personality isn’t that I’m angry all the time, rather, I’m so emotionally distant. I do cry a lot, yes, but…it’s not normal. Everytime I find myself crying, I freak myself out, because I’m not sad. I don’t know how I can explain it. I just don’t feel anything, it’s not that I’m numb, I quite literally just do not feel a damn thing. I could be sobbing my eyes out, but in reality I am not fazed internally in the slightest. I’ve come to terms with the idea that I’m apathetic, which seemed to be the most fitting term for this weird behaviour of mine. But can apathy describe why I love to see other people’s lives being ruined? I’ve asked many people about this issue, and many people have claimed this to be sadistic behaviour, but I don’t think it’s to such an extent…In reality, I am actually a masochist. I like to inflict pain upon myself, sometimes it’s just because I like how distorted my skin looks, most times it’s because it feels so so so nice. I don’t get any arousal from it however, as the definition seems to say. So sadism just doesn’t seem to fit in the puzzle here (it’s a bit extreme to be both a masochist and a sadist..).
It’s just so fun. Seeing someone cry, seeing someone in misery. Why am I like this? Why am I such a horrible person? I should be helping them !!! Yet I sit here smirking because it’s such a sight, it’s such good entertainment. The worst part is that I don’t even see a need nor a want to fix myself and this disgusting personality. Is this a superiority complex? I don’t think so because I don’t see myself better than them, I just love seeing them in a state of emotional distress and ruin…agh, it’s too weird. Did the harassment I received as a child warp me into the twisted person I am today? That’s the only logical theory I can come up with at the moment.
I don’t know why I came to this website, since this is more of a place for people to tell their stories of depression. But this has been bothering me for a long time. I’m not looking to fix my personality, because I already know I can’t shake off this pathetic character of mine. But it definitely makes me curious, does anyone else here feel an overwhelming sense of pleasure from seeing someone in a state of despair? Is anyone else here apathetic/emotionally distant?
I had to write an essay for one of my teachers and I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote about my suicide thoughts and my scars. And so now my whole family knows and they are giving me all of the attention, and now I have to go to a therapist. I hate all of the attention, and I hate that now I have a therapist. I hate talking about how I’m feeling to someone face to face. That’s why I talk here, I can talk to all of you and you won’t know who I am what I look like, and that we might never actually meet for you to help me. But when I have a therapist it’s exactly what I don’t like. I would think of suicide almost 4-5 times a week, but now that I have a therapist I think about it even more. This website has helped me more than my therapist. I have made a lot of progress with this website to write. I used to cut my wrist 3 times a week, now I cut myself once every two or three weeks. Now I feel like when I cutting myself all over again. But I can’t because my family knows. They are crying for me, they are watching everything I do now, I’m not allowed to be in a room alone only my bedroom and the bathroom. It’s so unfair, I thought that saying what’s on my mind would make things better, but the only thing I did was make myself more suicidal. I should have just kept my mouth shut. (By the way the essay that I wrote is on here and it’s called Suicidal Stories #1)
How long/When did you join Suicide Project. And how did you found this website?
I was just reading “I Was Here” and they talked about this website. It introduced me to it and honestly: I’m glad.
Safe place to talk? YES PLEASE!
Safe place to talk WITHOUT JUDGEMNT? I wish I found a place like that before now.
Ive read some posts you all have made and I know I belong here, which is sad. It makes me sad that we’re sad. Why is happiness so hard to find? Can’t it be as easy as it used to be? What happened to the world that suicide rates and depression/anxiety rates have increased dramatically? But a slightly more important question I personally should be asking,…what happened to me?
So yesterday I read someone’s post that said when they are bored they text “I hid the body.. now what?” to a random number. Well guess what you guys I did it! A random number texted me so I texted them back about the body thing. It freaked them out and made them laugh and I felt a thousand times better. lol. By the way I was just scrolling through the internet and found this cool ass website. Numerologist.com. Go on it, don’t pay, but just do it. It’s so cool I promise!!
I should be redesigning my website so i can get an entry level job in the field. I should be redesignimg and adding to the couple of clients’ site I’ve had. Im procrastinating out of fear. Well that and food anxiety im juice fasting today save for the banana i had while writing this post. I dont want to screw it up. Stupid i know logically something is better than nothing. I have a voice that tells me I can’t do it. Sometimes i can ignore that voice other times i can’t. There’s another voice telling me that I should kill myself. Honestly the only reason that voice loses is lack of method. I’m still living with some regrets of my past i feel i waited too long to lose weight. There are people who I’ll never talk to again and i go back and forth as to whether or not thats a good thing or sad failure or a combination of both. Idk i wish i could knee someone in the face though.
I’be technically been on this site for 2 or 3 years now just looking around, but this is really the first time I’ve ever made a post. I’ve seen how everyone here connects and empathizes with each other, and I guess now I’ve decided that finally posting and visiting the sight without private browsing on could be the best thing to help for right now. I’m in a bad spot; potentially the worst I’ve ever been in. To be honest I’m pretty sure I won’t be alive for much longer than a year if that, barring a miracle. And if I do die soon I want to be part of your family before that happens. I know it’s cliché but I never had the level of understanding I see on this website anywhere in my life. Maybe now I can change that.
This website is comforting. When I come here I feel like I can say my most painful thoughts and nobody judges. Maybe nobody even cares, which is fine as well. I just like someone to read my words without any judgement.
I don’t even know if this website is healthy for me to come to. But when I feel like I’m about to explode, I come here and feel a little bit more calm.
Let me tell you something. I have no idea how to be good at life. No idea what so ever. I applaud people that are good at it.
Does anyone know of a website of failed suicide attempts consequences? I want to know what may happen if you cut your throat and survive. Is it a bad methd to try?
The worst type of crying wasn’t the kind everyone could see–the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it. A section withered and became a scar on the part of your soul that survived. For people like us(“us” here includes me and all my lovely supporting friends at the suicideproject website) our souls contained more scar tissue than life.
I don’t know if I’m allowed to ask this on here, as I’ve only been on this website a few days.
Will a cylinder size 9.3m3 of ******** be enough for to kill someone?
This will be my 3rd post since discovering this website yesterday… I feel so alone and hopeless In life and I do want to face the pain anymore. After losing the only love of my life to someone else is Undescribable. I have been researching different methods on how to end my life peacefully. Yesterday I research the helium hood for around 12 hours. I have now opted for the ******** method… How long it will take for me to execute I have no idea until I summon the courage to do it I guess.. This is the only option I have as obtaining a gun in the UK is practically impossible. I’m just fed up with everything no one or nothing can change the way I feel
…about the day I came upon this website here. I think it was the beginning of August this year when I found it. No big deal, I just stumbled into it, right? End of story.
But what lead me to “stumble” into this place? Well, I was seeing if I could Google a surefire way to kill myself, then this website popped up.
Just that… it hit me pretty hard. I was so dedicated to finding something to finish me, I would’ve done anything I found that had a decent success rate.
I still have issues, but I’m alive because of you guys. Essentially, this website and everyone here saved me. Thank you.
It seems as though a lot of people on this website talk about needing/wanting somebody to listen, maybe offer some outsider’s insight, maybe just have a conversation about anything other than what’s making them upset.
I’d be more than happy to chat with anyone who just needs a friend.
My kik is DayQC18, comment if you’d prefer some other type of communication.
Best of luck, friends.
my life has got so much better. i love it. i got my first love back and everything is going amazing . so no more suiccide and I’m off this website bye bitchez. 🙂
Six months ago I had everything…a great paying job and a girlfriend of six years that I think adored me and I adored her. Depression then reared its head. I took absences from work to try and deal with it and then in July got fired. I haven’t been able to find a job since. This week my girlfriend and I broke up. It had been strained for a bit but kept hoping we could work through it. Now I’m about to end up on the street due to not having money. I’m still working on my plan but really liking this website. I felt like I had enjoyed it so much and was tired of being in the shadows.
Anyone heard of this website/app? My friend suggested it to me.
this was briefly discussed in my last post but i figured id start a new post about it so it can reach as many ppl as possible like the title says i want to try and set up a regular movie night for SPers there a website called rabbit that allows shared streaming from any website and up to 15 ppl to chat while watching whatever if anyone has any ideas on how to make this happen my skype is hiitsme0819 i really hope we can make this happen the website has one main flaw where ppl cant get into the room unless the person who created it is there maybe we can make a new account or something and give the log in info out to everyone interested in a movie night
Well I really didn’t want to go for help but then I found this website so I decide to post something to try and reach out to anyone. I might as well say I’m sorry for not trying to handle my own problem and instead go on this website to try and get a little hope for still living, because the only thing I feel every day is mental abuse and physical abuse. Now I’ll start off by saying that I’m 17 and I am the worst person ever. Ever since I was 13 all I wanted to do was die, especially when I was the kid getting bullied and pushed around by teachers and students alike. Nothing went right for after my parents got divorced back in 6th grade, all that came was money problems and bulling and me crying myself to sleep all to be tolled everyday to be a fucking man and stand up for my god dam self! High school things only got worse for me as my grades started to drop and all I thought about doing was cutting my legs because it seemed like the only way to take my pain away. Now all I can think about is killing myself. Sorry for making this a life story and I understand if people don’t even take a glance at it.
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