hello there.. you havent posted in a while, im worried about you
I can’t go on living this life anymore. But I also can’t leave. If I died, no one would miss me, but then my parents would divorce. They already were going to when I went off to college. I’d just be speeding up the process, but if that happened, I don’t know how my dad would live. He doesn’t have a great job, no one to live with, and I’m worried. My mom has people to go to and can earn enough money. But there is also the chance that she might commit suicide as well.
All I want is an escape from this world. Is that so hard to ask for?
whats on my mind…..well suicide. It has been for as long as I can remember, in one form or another. The last month it has gotten stronger tho. I watched “the bridge”, and now cant stop watching the footage of people jumping off the bridge. The thought of the release of pain when at last u get to fly must be beautiful. I think thats why people choose that method. Anyway I opened up and told my wife about what ive been watching and my thoughts on it and she was shocked and worried. I do suffer mental illness and we both have pretty large probs with addiction to opiates but I didnt think I was actually suicidal. I mentioned it to my clinic dr and she almost scheduled me!! (That means committed for psych evaluation in Australia). So now im just keeping things to myself. And sharing here I guess. Anyway, im new here and its my first foray into some form of social media. (Im far too private for face book etc. Plus its all just surface bullshit, no real depth). So im gonna post some stuff, read some stuff, and maybe even connect with someone who understands.
Ps. I don’t think suicide is selfish, its a choice about ur life. No one elses. and sorry for long post. I like writing.
I just wanted to say thank you to all who share. I like to share sometimes, but I have a really hard time commenting on others posts. I know how much it means to me when people comment on my posts, so I wish I would do it more for others. The reasons I don’t is because I’m worried that I’ll either sound dumb or give advice that does harm. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if someone hurt themselves because something I said was taken wrongly.
It’s so weird that I want to kill myself, but would do anything to help stop others from doing the same. Well, it’s not as cut and dry as that. I would stop them to make sure that they have tried everything to get better and if there really doesn’t seem to be an end to the torture, then support them. But then, who am I to judge? This is the type of conflict that goes through my head every time I go to comment so i then end up deleting it.
This post is just me trying to explain myself and why I’m not as giving as I wish I was….because i feel guilty
Ahhh, the conflicts in my brain are never ending – so tiring.
anyone heard from Ylem I haven’t heard from her and I no she having a tough time iv email her but she hasn’t replied I’m worried
I hate my cutting scars so much. I have really horrible ones of my wrist since I cut myself really deep, so deep that I cut really sick from blood loss and had to stay in bed for like two days and it keep re-opening even after a month. I don’t usually cut myself on my wrists, but I didn’t I was going to live long enough for it to matter. I also have many raised scars on my hips which are much easier to hide. Usually I cover the ones on my wrist with a bandage so that no one can see them and I don’t have to wear long sleeves because in spring and summer it gets very hot where O live, except at work I always wear long sleeves.
It’s getting increasingly harder to hide them and come up with excuses for constantly bandaging my wrist. I’m so worried about future job not hiring me because of them and I know they will never completely heal and it’s very apparent what they’re from. I live in a very conservative place where mental illness is not accepted and people are very judgmental. I’m afraid if I ever have kids then I will have to explain it to them. I can’t ever stay at friend’s houses. I can’t ever go swimming again and I love swimming and going to the lake. I’m constantly worried about people seeing my scars. My family has seen them so I don’t have to cover them at home. There’s also this guy that I’ve been talking to that I really like, but I know I can never date him because I couldn’t hide my scars from him and I know no one where I live could ever accept my scars. I’m 20 years old and honestly one day I’d like to have a boyfriend and to have sex again, since I didn’t have these scars with my last boyfriend. All of my friends want me to go out with them and have fun and to go one dates and meet guys, but I’m so uncomfortable and afraid someone will see them. They are stopping me from living my life and it’s making me so miserable. I think part of it is that they’re such an awful reminder of what I was feeling when I did that to myself and somehow if anyone saw them it would be very traumatic. I showed them to one friend because she went to a mental hospital and attempted suicide and I supported her through it, but afterwards she stopped being my friend.
I’ve tried many things to make them better, I’ve exfoliated them and used lemon juice, vitamin E oil, Mederma, Scar Guard, and other things. They are too bad to be covered by makeup. I know they will never heal completely though and causes me so much shame and hurt. Sometimes I sit here and stare at them for long periods of time. My advice to everyone, don’t cut the scars aren’t worth it, I can never be comfortable publicly, I can’t ever get close to friends or have a boyfriend and I’ll have to hide them for the rest of my life.
Now don’t be worried if I don’t reply straight away I’ve been awake for 3 days straight technically 4 days since it’s 4:36am
Here’s my email if you guy’s are that worried
I’m fine though… I think
Sorry about posting non Suicidal content. If you want to know something depressing i was guilted into attending a slightly cultish Christian event earlier so there is that.
I haven’t seen the movie yet but I’m worried, really worried. I’ll see it tomorrow but my expectations are lowered. You see I’m a comic book fan in general. Not a marvel fan or dc (or image or any other indie for that matter) but i love the medium. So since these movies have become the dominant blockbuster I have been prettty happy. Also Batman is my favorite fictional character. So i want this movie to be good soo badly. But the reviews are punishing this film. I’ve been worried for a while about this film. Not necessarily because of batfleck. More because of the younger Michael Bay(Zach Snyder) and Michael Cera’s evil twin (Mark Zuckerberg wait that’s not his name? Fuck what is it? Jesse Eisenberg yeah him). I liked Man of Steel. I think the hate of it is overblown. I left the theater happier with that than The Dark Knight Rises.(I now have them about even though Nolan’s final batman film had more plotholes just blow up the damn city when you see the bat signals, why is Bruce Wayne losing all of his shit so quickly, also how is Gotham supposed to bathe now that all of their water is nuclear…i digress) I’m worried that this movie could sink the comic book super hero ship as far as movies go. At least be the beginning of the end. I remember when comics were seen as uncool and odd. Its great to see it be an important artform again. Look at things like the Walking Dead(not a zombie fan but im aware of its ommense popularity) Comic books are now a well respected medium. I dont want that to end because Zach Snyder wanted to jerk off on everything. Granted Age of Ultron was a mess and the ship kept sailing. The Winter Soldier was awesome so was Deadpool. Civil War and Suicide Squad look awesome. Idk i just hope this movie doesn’t suck and if it does it doesn’t ruin the whole medium.
In case you don’t get the reference in the title here is some (pre) Postal Service.
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. I’ve been pretty depressed and anxious ever since. And my mom just found out I failed 3 of my classes last tri, and she said she’s gonna take my phone and car away if I don’t get better grades. That really worries me because my music is on my phone and I rely on my music daily. Everything’s getting a lot harder to deal with. If I see him in the cafeteria at school, I get sick to my stomach and I usually don’t end up eating very much, if at all. I feel like a failure. A disappointment. A mistake. I feel like the only thing I’m good at is letting people down. I don’t know why they have such high expectations of stupid little me. I’ve never cut, but I’m getting so damn close. I want to reach out to friends, but I’m really worried that they’ll look at me differently. I guess that’s why I’m here. I’m looking for support/help.
I’ve never had that great of a time living; abusive parents, bullied, a serious disability that makes life pretty hard in general and lot other things i’d rather not mention.
When i was younger i would consider killing myself every once in a while, but i was too afraid to actually do so. And If it weren’t for my fear of the outcome, i probably would have done it by now.
I’m too afraid of what the aftermath of my actions would be rather than actually dying itself. What people would do, what they would think of me, and what they might say worried me too much.
Of course, that only made me feel “weak” and “cowardly” and only managed to make me more upset. And on top of that, people who commit suicide are said to go to hell, and even though i’m not religious that’s certainly not a fun thing to hear.
So, more or less, live or die, i can never be happy with either.
But living like this just makes me feel like i’m dead already.
I don’t really think about suicide as much anymore since i know i can’t actually do it, at least actively trying to die.
If someone where to break into my house and try to kill me i don’t think i would stop them. If i got in an accident i don’t think i would call for help.
If the time comes, i probably won’t fight back. I can’t decide if i want to die or not, so i just sort of leave it up to the world to decide.
Of course i’d still be worried about the aftermath, but at least they won’t see me as someone who kills themself, just as another death among many.
It comes to my mind occasionally, the prospect of waking up in a hospital following a suicide attempt.
It scares me. It unleashes a new fear of doubt and uncertainty: the question of, “what if?”
What if the rope doesn’t work, then what? Or the pills? What if the bullet misses, or the height is too short? That the bag doesn’t work, or that the blood doesn’t flow? Then what? You wake up.
The simple thought of waking up the next day alive is unbearable.
The shame and guilt and hopelessness, anger, ALL negative feelings, how can you bear it?
I want to know if there are people out there who woke up following a suicide attempt. Tell me what it was like.
I hate saying this because I don’t want to jinx it, but suicide will NEVER be a 100% guarantee. And I don’t want to even think about what its like to wake up the subsequent day…
I want to know what its like. How bad it is. I just don’t want to face it, and hearing it from some of you might bring down my stress levels about it. Though, essentially I’m aiming for a 90% accuracy of death, so I’m not worried.
But the question gets raised in my head. Please provide personal experiences.
I hate to say this, but, I’d hate to ever wake up after a suicide attempt. I just can’t imagine it.
*Like to inquire about the experience in the hospital as well. What was it like being there?
I made a friend in the last few weeks here on SP. A friendship forged out of mutual understanding of emotional turmoil.
The last time I talked to him, he was going through a very rough patch. He couldn’t deal with his pain and was on the verge of ending it. In fact, he had tried to make an attempt, but somehow couldn’t go through with it. I tried to talk him out of it. I doubt it worked.
I haven’t heard from him in over a week, and I’m really worried. I think I failed him.
King, if you are still out there, roaming the streets of London, I hope you are still staying strong. If not, then I hope your departure from this world was quick, painless and peaceful.
Your concerned suicidal South African friend,
So, I found out that my family find out about me. They find out how vulnerable I am. They found that I’m not mentally healthy.
And I find out that they find out quite a time ago.
I should be something ; angery, nervous, anxious. I can also cry, i can be relived I can be worried but I have no feelings. Neither this thing hurt me nor it gave comfort to me. I’m exactly like I was a minute before. Caught in an argument, they confronted, I refused and went to my room. No talk.
It’s kinda funny situation. 😀 Her child is in pain, she didn’t even asked again.
I found out that my mother find out that I’m pain yet she didn’t care to talk. I should have some feelings, but nothing.
Both parties ignored each other. 🙂
It’s kinda funny, isn’t it ? 😀
I saw my doctor on Tuesday. He said he was worried about the episodes I’ve been having and said he was calling my psychiatrist to bring forward my appointment. I don’t want him to. I can’t see my psychiatrist anymore. She’s going to hurt me. She’s going to kill me. Why does no one see it? It couldn’t be more obvious. I need to tell someone; I need them to help me. But I don’t know who she’s got to. I don’t know who she’s brainwashed. I need help. Someone needs to get her away from me. She’s going to get me. She’s getting people in my room at night to watch me. She’s waiting. She wants me at my weakest. I’m scared, and she likes that. She’s going to kill me soon.
I hear people say it all the time. I never think anything of it. I just immediately nod my head in agreement. Then that point of the conversation is over with.
I never hear people fight the statement or really just stop and think about it. I mean, yeah, it probably can’t buy some people happiness, depending on the reasons they aren’t happy to begin with.
22, male suffering from emotional, mental and physical pain.
No real friends. They all left after high school and the ones I kept are either doing their own thing or gone separate ways. I don’t go out or socialize. If I do, it’s rare.
Riddled with anxiety. Can’t get a girlfriend, still a Virgin. Hopeless at talking to girls and developing new friendships or relationships. Good talk but never goes anywhere far. I’m seen as too nerdy or mature. I just hate how people view me as some sort of stranger.
Physical pain. Suffering from back pain, shoulder pain, knee pain. Can’t do anything physical anymore. Job involves heavy lifting, can’t quit because I need money for school. In pain everyday and extremely worried about nerve and joint damage. PT is expensive, long wait times for MRI, dunno what’s wrong.
Overall loser. Still no college education. Dropped out once, unemployed for 1.5 years, still no money saved up. School coming up and I have little money,also school is another additional stress. No car, don’t drive, work crappy retail job, no real accomplishments, no savings.
Already attempted suicide once, failed. Got better but now tonnes of issues thrown my way. I literally do not see an alternative. Sorry for the weird typing, I’m on my phone.
So I went to some fancy schmancy doctors in San Francisco to get the results back from my brain scans. He said that the over activity in my brain causing my anxiety was “horrifying” and could only imagine how bad it would’ve been without my current meds. The comparisons between my brain and those of a normal brain are startling in their differences. He’s putting me on yet another medication with supplements- I’m excited but sceptical. I’ve already tried so many meds…. But what have I got to lose? I got so desperate to cut that I took apart my eyeliner pencil sharpener 🙁 It was a nice one too lol. There are some parts of me that are worried that this won’t work… But what if it does? I’ve lived with this my whole life… Will I be me when the monster is contained? I still want to die… More so than I’ve wanted in a long time…
My story isn’t over yet, and neither is yours. I wish we could all join hands around a campfire and sing kum by ya and just enjoy being us. And we are all lucky enough to have found this place- a little place in this world for us. Thank you loves, for being you 🙂
It’s me i haven’t killed myself yet still thinking of January or just before. My father may have something wrong with his kidneys and i don’t want to watch him die my god mother has something wrong with her heart and i know death is approaching fast so my death must approach i am only worried about leaving my mom without money especially if dad dies im a big part of what keeps money coming in.i don’t know how to change that in fact it breaks my heart.i know they’ll be looked after by god even after im gone i just worry about them.im not even sure if thisll work but i got to get out of here