the last time i wrote i was a little to harsh and i apologize for those of you out there who actually read these things. you have to understand that im at a point in my life where i realy dont care about anything anymore. when i write i just feel like there is someone out there listening to me and what i have to say just for the moment. this is honestly the only thing that is keeping me from doing something stupid, but im sure almost everyone has been there. well im 20 years old about to turn 21 in september. i realy dont want to see my 21st birthday, i dont care. a real good birthday present would be if i could drop dead after waking up on that day. im always being pushed around and taken advantage of by my family and friends. i dont have a girlfriend and i believe that i never will. im just realy tired of being affraid more than anything. people say that suicide isnt the best way to resolve your problems but i say hell with it, at least you wont have anymore problems. everything i do goes wrong and i end up suffering bad. like joining the military. after six months being in the national guard i come back from basic and i have no way of knowing where the hell my unit is. i didnt know directions or anything. now ive been marked as awol because i felled to show up. then after that ive tried getting another job starting a acting career. i paid 800 dollars to join this agency and all i get is a reciet of my payment. they never called back nor could the give me my cash back. im giving up because im just tired of being cheated out of so much im tired of just walking around with a smile on my face hiding the person in side. i gave a whole lot of people advice and helped twice as many. ive helped people get gas on in their house, ive helped people with marriages and finding their way out of bad situations and what do i get. nothing. my cousins see me as this man who knows and has great faith. they think that i trust in God anough to never give up and to always place him first. they just dont know the truth, ive been trying to be there for so many people, even gave up alot for my family and friends. but never did i see anything done the same for me. my mom yeah she done some good things but considering how she used to beat and abuse me it just seemed like she felt bad for what she did.  but i say fuck it. im at the end of my road and im tired of telling myself everythings gonna be alright just hang in there. im tired of people telling me that things are looking up when they dont even know me. i feel that its getting worse and not better for me and i believe its time to bring it to an end. i dont think anyone could convince me otherwise. i dont think that i could find help at this point. but im glad that i wrote this at least someone would know the story. at least someone would know why. i just wish that i was sure that tomorrow would be different for me. i would aslo hope that no one out there is going through the same thing that im going through. i wouldnt wish this life on my worse enemy.
6 comments
6 comments
I can’t come up with any solutions, I can only say that you are not alone with the feelings that are making you so alone. I have realised lately that my lack of willpower will always result in the usual mess and distress. I have no specific plan re when or where or how, only that it is soon time to bale out. Life can be fun and rewarding but if the ratio is too low then it is a battle and as a committed pacifist, well? I am a whole lot older than you. I had feelings and blackness when I was your age.
What I wish I had done at your age was realise that my need to be needed and my desire to be helpful to others was all connected to something I didn’t realise was going on. My, now estranged, mum is a very complex lady and had a bad time as a child. Mums ability to relate to me and love me were badly affected by stuff. Up to the age of 13 it was okish, then Dad died, very suddenly and I was with this parent I didn’t really know, understand or connect to despite the fact we had been living together all that time.
If I went into detail, this would end up incredibly long! Basically, I have realised that I have spent a huge amount of my life getting involved in relationships that I was accustomed to i.e. would end in rejection, verbal abuse etc. (like living with mum) That I took a long time to stop trying to live my life just to gain some approval rather than on the main do what was right for me along with being kind and helpful.
Somehow I have managed to have 3 kids, now adults, that have turned out amazing and really solid, even a grandchild who lives quite a few miles away but still has this connection, a real bond that I find amazing. They are moving to Malaysia soon.
Since 2001, when I woke up to the mental abuse of my partner and left him, I have been on a snakes and ladders board game. Sometimes up and then down. My latest attempt to remain in a good job ended in failure. I just wasn’t cut out for the environment (fashion, throat cutting etc). Since being ‘let go’ end of January this year I have managed to get through all the processess for employment for a senior position with a Govt Dept working in employment services (helping people, it’s what we like to do). It’s been 2 months now waiting for all the checks to go through. Nothing back yet. In the meantime, holed up here in my bedroom with a laptop, 2 cats and a TV for company, I have managed to drink and smoke every penny of govt allowance that I have received. No committments have been met and very soon people will be here to remove me.
At 55 I now feel the fight has been fought, sometimes the battle has been won but no more please, no more.
Do not allow yourself to end up here. Well if you die today you won’t but there is a better way. Think. Why do you want to help others so much? How much thought do you give to what your needs are? Do you know what they are? (not an easy one, needs a great deal of thought and trying things out)! Why are you feeling guilty? Are you sure you are? Someone somewhere may have allowed you to believe that you are not worth much, have you considered that? Why are you worth less than others? Are you sure your answers aren’t coming from bad experiences with someone else that had their own issues and managed to project these onto you?
Please think about this stuff. Had i been able to some years ago I could have believed in myself enough to keep things in perspective with some peace (the only thing I long for).
why don’t you start doing things for yourself, instead of expecting some kind of compensation from people you have helped? we all have been betrayed, stomped on, spit at, rejected, and i could just go on and on with all the negative things or situations we have encountered throughout life and will still face later on……. i am the mother of a 21 year old that decided to surrender his life, he did not have any sings, he never talked about this, he did it in a moment of rage that he did not know how to handle…. is just impossible for me to truly explain to you how his decision affected hundreds of lives, he has left us living in a nightmare…. is this what you want to do with your loved ones??? yes, there are people out there that truly care about you, some you know of -others you are not aware of- i am very aware that there are tons of things we don’t like about ourselves or about our lives, did you know that we are the only ones with the power to change what we don’t like?? i am responsible for my situations, i am the only one that can and will change what i don’t like…
no one can do it for me…. don’t make people feel sorry for you, the energy you are using to feel sorry for yourself use it to make you better!!!! my son made that decision for a girl…. she is devastated… as his mom, i don’t hate that poor girl, i feel so much for her… his decision left us not knowing how to deal with this…. you know, there is no god and no devil either; men created god because they felt incompetent to fulfill their needs, they had to rely on someone else’s strength… and the devil? men created it to have someone to blame for their own perverse actions, just because they did not want to be held accountable…. you will do what you really want to do, do you want to continue feeling sorry for yourself? you will do that..!!!! do you want to see yourself being successful and happy?? you will do that…!!!! it’s up to you and only you….
Patrisse, just to clarify, you are here because of your son? That would go a long way towards explaining why you are berating people for being in pain, but it doesn’t make it helpful. Perhaps a support group or forum for suicide survivors would be a better place to rant about how selfish and cruel and pathetic we are? I could be taking it wrong, but that’s the impression I got.
Trissi
am so sorry you took in a wrong way my desperate need to help others like my son, i am just trying to make them understand that we all have gone through unbearable situations and also to share with them the pain our son’s decision has left us with, am trying to tell each one contemplating suicide that there are people who REALLY LOVE THEM, that if they go through with this, hundreds of people that they love are going to be permanently affected; my son was a very caring person, he never hurt anyone and if he had known that his decision was going to cause so much pain to so many people for the rest of their lives, he would still be here loving us, he never had any signs, each one of his love-family and blood- family knew how happy he was, non of us will never understand his decision, he could just have called anyone and he didn’t… i apologyze for the way i came across, my only desire was to make them understand that they have the power in their hands to change their lives into how they really want to live, i went through hell as a child and never ‘thought’ i could change my life until i was an adult, i am trying to tell them they are powerful enough to take control, set your mind to doing it and you will see you can succeed, don’t hurt the ones you love, please be aware that they will suffer for the rest of their lives, instead stay here among them to share your love and to be there for each other, family is like a team, we all should be there to share the joy and to support each other during harsh times… next time i post something i will definetely be very careful in selecting the words i use, thanks for pointing it out…
Don’t worry about it…I mean, do be careful about how you say things, but if I upset you, please try not to take it to heart. I’m sorry I misunderstood what you were trying to say. Thanks for the response, it helped a lot.
Don’t ever apologize for feeling the way you feel.
I don’t thing I read what you wrote earlier, but still, don’t apologize.
I understand, everyone feels anger sometimes.
And I also know how you feel about helping other, and never getting anything back. I’ve also been there for so many, and they just gave a shit about me. Just think that they are not worthy your help, if they know you also need it, but wont give any back.
I hope you’re still out there, that you didn’t die just yet.
People love you, just know that..
lots of love<3