I started to thinking again
Should i juat die leaving this world before this year ends
I keep losing what i love
My mom said dont depend yourself on someone
Depend on yourself
I cant when i dont have anything good left inside me
And thats why i choose to live for my dog
Why you always being so harsh to me
You said i cant even cry when im feeling sad
Even you cry when you have a bad mood
I saw it
But why i cant and when you know that ita only hurting me more
Why are you so harsh to me […]

1. My life isnt over. I still have time to accomplish things.
2. There are people who love me as I am right now, flaws and all. I am not unlovable.
3. Today Ive chosen to intentionally love myself despite waking up with painful feelings, and that means that Im growing and making progress.

Todays goal: Less thinking, More doing.

just finished reading another book on suicide and once again i feel alienated even further from the world. obviously the book didnt work on me. am i the only one who gets no value out of these books, yet i keep trying?

i wont name any of the books because i’m about to slam the shit out of them and although i’m being honest, i would hate to offend the authors if they stumble on this post because they seem like nice people. but these books infuriate me and push me closer to the act. i’ve noticed that suicide books fall into 2 categories. the 1st […]

Can’t sleep, you know.?

I’m not thinking my thoughts, they do their own thing, you know.?

Do I really have to be there tomorrow.?

How much more leave of absence can my doctor prescribe.?

How many times is it okay to think about dying per day.?

Did I really say these awful things today and did they reply with more awfulness.?

Why did I hate my favorite person yesterday and why do I adore her today at Thanksgiving.?

Why do songs sound way more relatable than they used to.?

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I’ve been like this for 3 years now. My memory doesn’t even work anymore, everything is just a blur to me. Sometimes it’s crystal clear but today I barely remember a thing. I started working out and I started waking up earlier… 7:30 AM every day. It’s been three weeks and now I want to die. I thought that if I just kept pushing maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad but today is just not a good day.
Two days ago I felt awesome and now the past couple of days I want to die, and literally nothing changed except that I masturbated a […]

most of the time when we hear the word ‘alone’ it implies ‘no romantic partner’ or ‘no friends’. but what i feel is that i’m literally the last of my species. in all my decades of life, despite lots of friends and relationships (currently none though), i’ve never met anyone who’s remotely close. instead it has always been as if i’m existing amongst a tolerant but incompatible race of creatures.

that itself isnt the problem. i’ve lived far out in the wilderness with only animals and plants as companions and thats fine with me.  but the crushing thought is that i’m a meaningless aberration, a mutant […]

1. I have a decent job
2. I can learn to love myself again
3. Strong Coffee
4. Long hugs from loved ones
5. Im more resilient than I realized

DISCLAIMER: This post in no way, shape, or form has anything to do with anyone else’s post. This is about me, my own journey, my own decisions, and nothing else. Any similarities in topic/content are purely coincidental.

Gratitude is overrated, like many other optimistic/positive-thinking advices. Not everybody can do that. It’s unrealistic, and honestly full of BS (bullshit)

Gratitude has become today’s current hype which everyone seems to be doing, and even keep posting about it constantly on social media. Everywhere you see people always talk about gratitude (& with all other optimistic/positive stuff usually).

It becomes irritating however when gratitude is forced and shoved down our throats, as if everyone should (or must) do that. In reality, you can’t just force other people to keep showing gratitude constantly. Things happened, shits happened; problems, pain, & sufferings happen to some people, which is ridiculous […]

“I knew if they ever found out about me, I’d end up like Johnny Yablonsky. Johnny was soft, he was feminine, he was clearly gay. The neighborhood guys would make him blow them; then beat the shit out of him. He always had a lot of bruises, and absenteeism. He was so defeated. I’ve always assumed he killed himself. And I didn’t want the same thing to happen to me. It was a lot of fear, and shame. The fucking shame. I participated in my own self-negation. I laughed at all the jokes. I tried to tighten up on the masculine stuff. I’d stand in […]

I was in Hawaii with a bunch of friends. Great time – right? Too much booze, lots of laughter. Until I did something silly and one of my friends yelled at me and told me to stop being childish. I immediately shut down and went to my room – on the 29th floor. Sitting out on the balcony bawling I started seriously thinking about jumping. That would teach him, right? I sat there thinking yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. Thankfully the “no’s” won out.

I never thought too much about revenge suicide until then. Other times, other reasons. But revenge suicide is […]

It’s raining. Of course it is. Nothing says darkness than a rainy day in my city. I lace up my shoes and go running anyway. I allow the drops of water hit me to say to the rain god, “not today.”
Before I started running I would have stayed curled up in bed and be afraid to venture out. Nothing wrong with staying in bed curled up on a rainy day, however, I wouldn’t move. I became paralyzed.
Now, I run and run as far as I can to clear out the many cobwebs that still live rent free in my mind.

Today’s goals:
A. Get homework done
B. Go to the gym then take a shower
C. Clean the house

Things Im grateful for:
A. The ability to adapt positive habits
B. My soon to be wife
C. I have time
D. My current state doesnt have to be my final state

I’m so desperately lost. And there’s no way out. The only way forward is to let go. Not necessarily of life, but of the kind of life I feel is worthwhile. Accept, and let go. And I can’t bring myself to do it. My mind stubbornly clings to delusional obsessions. Because if it’s not going to be how I imagined, I can’t see any meaning in it.

There may still be experiences worth having out there, if I could just let go of what is lost. But I can’t. I can’t bear to do it. I refuse to accept. And in refusing, I wear myself down. […]

I think I’m probably more into my anonymity here than most users of this site. It feels so good to be able to say stuff that can’t be directly traced back to the person I try to be. But on rare occasions, there’s spill over. I do talk about being suicidal in public forums, and sometimes I talk about things here that absolutely should give away who I am. The beautiful thing is that usually no one cares.

Like, that’s what was cool about the pandemic, suddenly everyone was just getting through today, it was possible not to care and be socially acceptable.

Right, rabbit trails, main […]

inside my mind im screaming outside they see all smiles from my face it hides my cell

I like so many others have questioned our place in this strange place. I grew up and have lived all over the world witnessing first hand suffering of the living on all levels. There is kindness in all of us at some point ( most likely when we are young) but we are raised in a world so lost and angry it breeds hate. Hate towards others because of race,sex religion and ourselves when enough time brews it or injects it into ourselves. I have always punished myself rather than others… I believe that our sickness only makes us the strong ones . MONEY and […]

iam a failure in every sense of the word, but I don’t mind being a failure. Not everyone is capable of being successful but I don’t mind that. Iam happy working menial job but when you live with an abusive family who oppress you it is impossible to find peace of mind. The only way I can find it is to get some work and move out but I can’t do that. Iam incapable. Iam not allowed to get a job. I can’t go out. Iam like a pet dog tied up with chains who’s abused day and night. So the only way for happiness […]