Come Inside

Welcome Darkness,
Wrap me up in a blanket of your cold embrace.
Watch the light as it flickers out.

Hello Lonely,
Surrounded by friends or demons so close.
I couldn’t tell if you were there.

Goodbye Sanity,
No one can see the tangled lands in here.
I’ve fallen to far to find you.

Finally, Death, my old friend,
Ive waited here forever in hopes that you could come.
Take me to your home.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts my entire life. I don’t think I’ve ever gone a day without thinking about death, or wanting to die. But it’s usually been pretty manageable, at least to the point where I wasn’t making drastic steps towards killing myself. But that’s changed. Really changed.

I had an episode in March, right when the Coronavirus began implementing into our world. I was on a choir trip and had to come home early because it was too dangerous. And it was like the second I got back into my hometown, I’d fallen into a deep, overreaching sleep. One that I couldn’t wake out of […]

Haven’t cut myself for a year and a half until yesterday.

I feel so lost right now, like I’m in a dark place filled with water and I’m drowning.

I really thought I was healing. . . that I was doing just fine, but somehow the demons started to crawl back into my head pulling me deeper.

I tried to climb back up, trying to pull myself together, but my shoulders are too heavy that I keep on sinking unto the ocean floor.

I’m drowning.

and I need help.

i’ve had an eating disorder for basically my whole life i think. i don’t know because i have severe ptsd and i have very little memories from 12-13 or earlier. i don’t talk to my family, i have almost no friends because i pushed them all away. my ex recovered from his eating disorder and is doing so well and i’m just… here… just as fat and just as mentally ill as before.

i don’t want to get better. i just want it to stop. i don’t want to do this

My head feels like exploding. The people who have wronged me act like nothing has happened and the person who cheated on me defends to death the other person she was cheating on. Frankly she was the only thing that was left to me. I lost my closest friends, I lost my mother and now this latest thing where I find out my fiance was cheating. Life just constantly shits on me. I just want peace. I don’t want to suffer anymore

I can count and I do it right all four Digits.

She is not alive Inside me, Love fills my missing Parts.

ICU been crowded, filled by myself with Voice in Pain.

Screaming over an over her Name and what it took, reflect again.

I sensed dying too often, can‘t trust, seeks no spark or joy.

Just she, me and ours in Interaction known and a couple of us from the flux pushed apart.

I really want my heart to finally stop beating. It’s already struggling to beat. “Only the good die young.” Well, I’m not good, and I’m going to die young. I’m in my twenties. I originally joined SP back in 2013. I was such a different person then. I was still good. It wasn’t too late for me. Now, it’s far too late. I’ve never had access to a good method, or else I would’ve killed myself years ago. If I had it my way, I would’ve killed myself at the age of twelve; that’s how old I was when thoughts of suicide first entered my […]

What’s the point posting in this site when you’re just rambling and no one replies? I’ve definitely noticed a drop in the comments from the last time I was in here. That’s either a good thing or a bad thing.

When thinking about the various ways I could end my life none of them seem particularly appealing. I think it’s more of a fear of trying and not being successful and knowing you will have to wake up and face all the same thoughts again. I guess it comes down to a choice between my head and my heart. My ego is like go on do it but my in my heart I know I don’t want too. I think so far jumping off a building would probably be the method I would pick. It’s weird talking about this openly and honestly. Not like a […]

I last visited this site on 2019. My life was a mess because one “friend” in my group is a psychopath and basically manipulated everyone to go against me, harass me online non-stop, isolate me and drive me to suicide by grinding down my reputation and character and saying all sorts of false accusations against me. Basically I was jobless, an outcast, a social recluse, pretty much had my life and reputation destroyed and all I did was mope in bed feeling powerless on not being able to do anything or pursue my dreams anymore. I went to the monastery to escape all this and […]

I was catfished once. It was scarring and disturbing, to say the least. Sad, how insecure. I would’ve suggested therapy to her, to maybe work on accepting her physical and mental flaws… Because obviously, she had mental health issues nobody else could fix… But I was too busy looking for a phone to call the police.

Not fun at 7 am…

~2014~

Im guessing she was going through other things, because she shaved her head while all of this was happening. Manipulative people never win.

Not to say I hate anyone on here. Just venting about a chick that threatened to stab me with an aids needle, wjere at […]

When you realise that people you care about are actually against you. They want to know what’s going on in your life but not for the right reasons. Some people like to compete and play games. 29 years of having to endure relationships where people take and play mind games. I literally have no body I can talk to because none of them really wish me well. It won’t matter soon. The more I let go of these things the more I realise there is nothing to fear from being alone. I can feel and act however I like. I just pray that one day […]

Do you ever feel like your head is just a place of storage of memories of all of the wrong you’ve made? I try to focus on the happy memories but my mind is in an eternal loop of all of the things I’ve fucked up. The people I’ve hurt. The shit I’ve done to my body. To my mind.
And I try to break the cycle and sometimes I can feel a little bit better but it’s just a few days and then I fall into the dark again. And my mind keeps making scenarios of my death and what it would be like. […]

I have a virus in my mind. If I could just let it go, then things would be so much easier. But I can’t seem to. A part of my brain is fixated on pointless unhealthy delusions. It’s almost a religious conviction at this point. If I could just have these impossible things, then everything would be ok. Land of milk and honey. But I can’t. And it wouldn’t.

But knowing that rationally doesn’t change how I feel. It’s been over 13 years now, and I’m still fixated on this shit. No matter what I do to distract myself or focus on other things, I always […]

im that one person that everyone secretly hates but no one has the heart to tell me to fuck off.
lol anyway

It’s cold tonight.

this isnt really a rant but rather a question.

i want to change my personality so badly. i’m the most annoying person you’ll ever meet and it hurts badly when people yell at me for being so annoying and talkative. like i’m so insecure about it. how can i be less annoying? i’ve tried everything and tried to be less annoying but it just doesn’t work.

Shit is pretty fucked right now in my opinion and those who are reading this might not think so if I explain it to you but my brain is freaking out about everything and I think im going to try to write and post when I’m upset and having a panic attack. I’m also just figuring out how the website works again. I used to read on here when I was 12 but it’s changed a lot since then

All I think about is killing myself. All day I fantasize about dying or how I will kill myself. I don’t even feel sad that much anymore just numb. It’s the worst feeling to feel nothing at all.

I took these antidepressants when I was 17 that fucked up my brain It was like my brain was being ripped apart like a wet tissue in a blender. The words don’t come out right anymore. It was like they erased a part of me. Part of my soul. It’s like a part of me is just… Gone. Like a mild lobotomy. I met this person who sort of filled in the blanks that they erased. But I had a mental breakdown and alienated myself from them.
We were so similar in nature, it’s like we connected on a spiritual level. They always understood how I […]