I had a good friend, and you can maybe guess by the way I referred to him in past tense that he’s dead but I’ll get to that in a minute.

We were both in the same line of work and we each admired the fuck out of each other. He was better by far, but I’m a batshit perfectionist so that makes up for my deficiencies and we were both equals in that sense. The big difference is that he loved life and it showed in everything he did whereas all my life I’ve battled with nonstop compulsions to jump out a fucking window. So […]

Have people actually gotten long term benefits from self help books?

I feel like self help books ALL pretty much have the same spiel- think happy, be positive, say nice things to yourself, have the right mindset, etc etc.

I also feel like most ppl get short term benefits- they feel good and motivated at first, but in the long term, nothing changes. Ppl go back to the way they were before, even if it was a “really good book” or a “really motivating seminar.”

I mean, has anyone here really had a life- changing self-help book or seminar or video? That actually changed your […]

We get told ALL the time that it’s our mindset, our outlook, what we believe and what we tell ourselves that creates happiness and better lives for ourselves.

Is that really true?

I mean it’s having a “positive mindset” PLUS action I assume they all mean.

Ppl who just tell themselves they are awesome or tell themselves good things while looking at the mirror (what all those self help books tell us to do) – doesn’t work.

Fake words don’t do shit to help us feel better about ourselves and overcome depression.

But- I did once have confidence in myself. I had determination and […]

So i got reset back to double digits. Like I said in my last post, I view this as a somewhat positive thing. But it does sting knowing my sentence is extended. I’m still going to keep track of the original date. Just because I want to. It doesn’t change anything keeping this time limit and it’s not like I’m going to do anything about it. I just want to.

Spent most of the day with my family. My uncle who I go to often for advice was in town. Don’t think I’ve seen him in […]

I don’t want to die but I want this pain to end so bad. I’m so sick of constantly being berated by my untreated BPD mother and told I’m heartless and unlovable because I avoid her so I don’t have to deal with her constant mood swings and bullying. I’m sick of the only texts I get being from her sending me passive-aggressive Facebook reels or multi-paragraph texts telling me how much she wishes she never had me and that she had a different child. I’m sick of the constant loneliness and having no one to turn to. I’m sick of feeling so different from […]

Here is my long & deep chat with AI (Deepseek) about cosmic nihilism & existential suicide (unfortunately, I can only post it here in this website ‘secretly in hidden/private’… ) :

https://chat.deepseek.com/share/nomm5nqftpki0dewom

its never a dream

I’ve been away from the computer for awhile, and thus away from you guys for awhile. My excuses aren’t good, I’m not doing anything great or exciting. I almost got caught up on Criminal Minds. The new seasons are meh. It’s true, they don’t write shows like they used to. Or maybe the show lacks a certain Matthew Grey Gubler and it really did tank when he left. It also did better when it was episodic.

Okay, sidebar into narrative commentary; when you make a show like that the formula really matters a lot. Criminal Minds was about unsubs who were twisted minds and diving into […]

i’m 23, almost 24. i tried to kill myself last year and since then nothing’s gotten any better. i think it’s probably gotten worse, though i cry less often. i live alone in a new country now, and i haven’t made friends since i moved here. i’ve drifted away from everyone — i’m like an astronaut with a broken tether, floating through space. i can’t push myself to achieve anything, i don’t care about my goals. i don’t know what i’m waiting for. i don’t expect anything from my future and i’m not a good person. i never want to leave the house or speak […]

We’ve all heard it a million times from everyone: “you have to forgive the people who hurt you / tormented you / abused you, etc.”

But this video says based on Carl Jungs philosophy, that that’s not good. First time I’ve ever heard a different narrative than the usual “you must forgive your perpetrators” spiel.

What do you think?

(16min)

People always say that what you see and read online in the comments, tweets or posts are not representative of people- or of the average person.

I disagree with that. What we see online IS representative of what people truly think and feel. Bc they are behind a screen and keyboard, people are freer to say what really is in their minds rather than hiding it, bc in person they would get punched in the face for saying such horrible and heinous things. But online, they can without much repercussions.

Society, especially American society, is where we are today precisely BECAUSE we’ve ignored […]

The carrot and the stick. It’s a metaphor about how to handle someone. The stick is discipline and force. The carrot is rewards and persuasion. The universe or God or whatever threw me a couple of carrots.

After I stopped talking to those two girls on hinge in February and that disastrous mixer and board game group, I actually got a match. A pretty good match. She’s kinda cute. Likes the same things I like. I got her to match with my by asking her about which format of MtG she plays. She only has […]

Whatcha been up to? Haven’t seen you on SP much lately.

Easter:
I recently found out (via a game) that Easter in Norway is ALL about reading or watching crime stories.
Påskekrim (Easter Crime): A unique, national obsession where TV, books, and even milk cartons feature crime mysteries.
This sounds like your kind of holiday lol

13 Tzameti:
I just watched this 2005 French film last night. Think you’d like it. Won tons of international awards. It’s not your typical dumbass American movie.

I have ruined everything. All I want is to be with my wife. To kiss her, hug her, see her, talk to her. But because of my selfishness, shes saying she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Nothing Im saying changes her mind. These days burn my spirit like dripping acid. All I do is cry, and wish for a reality that I can no longer have. A reality I didnt appreciate enough while I had it. And so now I have Hell. I have created a complete nightmare.

My spirit cant handle or accept this reality. Its nothing but pain, grief, sorrow. She is […]

I lament that I am single and lonely, unable to find the right guy for me (back when I was looking, back when I wasn’t disabled).

All my peers from university are doing real well financially and relationship-wise. So obviously I feel I’m behind them in this “game of life.” Which I am.

But then I come across these posts on fb/online where ppl post about their relationships, asking questions, asking advice etc – and it might be due to “availability bias” as ppl in good functioning relationships don’t post stuff online but still- I see TONS off ppl in FUCKED up relationships […]

So, last time I posted on here I was 28 (6 years ago).

I was so depressed and ready to give everything up. Slowly things got better. I found a new love, made lots of friends and made a great community.

I did think and try to end things back then but I’m glad I didn’t.

I’m the boss now – Principal at a school. I have to keep everyone in check. It’s a stressful job but I enjoy it.

Leave me a comment if you would like to get in touch – chat about anything 🙂

They kinda haven’t been for a while, but it’s become more apparent to me lately. All they are is just anticipation for the next work week. I can go to the card shop all day, go to the movies, play video games, etc. , but it just doesn’t feel like anything when I know I’m just going to go back to a job I hate in the next few days. If anyone has seen smiling friends before, it’s like that Desmond speech from the pilot:

“That’s exactly it. Are the best parts of life really just finding momentary distractions to keep yourself busy […]

A little under two months. That’s how long I’ve got left. I say that but I know I’ll just take a full time job with them and keep doing what I’m doing. And I’ll do it for years.

Guess my mentor said fuck me. He talked about a connection to a company that is hiring. A company that rejected me. That’d be big to have an in like that. But he never got back to me. After weeks of pestering him and agreeing when to follow up, silence. I tired one last time today asking for the […]

How much longer?

I don’t know

Its strange how we can get along and eat Chinese food for dinner together, and make jokes and have a good time. How she can surprise me with breakfast quesadillas in bed on Easter, and we can even hug. Its strange how she can act the same as its always been, as if nothing is wrong, and yet somehow, through her perspective, we cant stay together. Clearly, its still  possible for us. But she still wants me gone the day after tomorrow. It makes no sense to me.