I’ve always wanted to see an ocean and a snowfall at the same time. There’s Lake Michigan, I guess. Not really the same.

Well, I’m almost 16 years old and a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with depression, and I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for quite some time, but I’m not sure I should do it, because of how my family would react, since I don’t want them to believe it was because of their fault, i also dont want to hurt the feelings of my family, but I feel that the world is crap and doesn’t give you what you really deserve, and that people don’t treat you as they should, I need help, I don’t know what to do, and im really thinking on doing […]

I feel like the biggest waste of space. I feel like I am unwanted. I just want to be accepted. I just want to have friends that always want to hang out. I want to be the one in the picture, not the one taking the photo. I don’t want to be the fifth member, or the other one. I wish I was different. I wish I was happy.

I love having BPD. I love it so much, those abandonment issues. Those rocky relationships. Whenever feelings go south I keep thinking about suicide, I don’t know how to cope normally. I don’t know how to not think about killing my self when I feel negative emotion. I broke up with my boyfriend today and now I feel like dying. This isn’t normal I know. And I’m not going to tell him how I feel. Because that is Unfair to him. But I want someone to know this is how I feel. I’ll never be someone’s number 1

I was talking to my friend today about this and he said that yea I have been an asshole lately and he knows that’s not who I am but everyday I have to try harder and harder not to do something offensive or be an absolute dickhead. I don’t know why I used to always think of myself as the nice guy but for some reason I can’t help it.

musician and 1/3 of the short lived english band ‘test icicles’

I tried to kill myself earlier today by downing a bunch of pills.  I haven’t seeked treatment yet and I know that I made a mistake doing that.  I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t want to hurt my family.  I’ve been hospitalized for being suicidal before, I tried to get help then, but they ended up sending me to child protective services because I wasn’t safe to go home and I’m scared I’m going to be sent back there again if I go to the hospital.  I know I should go to the hospital, but I’m really scared.  I know I’m going […]

The last time I cried in front of my family happened when my mom scolded me for not doing my project in grade 2. Out of the youngest girls cousins, I was the oldest. Oldest in the youngest. I was given the task not to cry whenever there’s a relative who dies so that my cousins will not also cry. For a reason they really like me and follows what I do so they told me not to cry. I never knew why I was so obedient I carried it into adulthood.

You know, it’s lonely. To stop your family from breaking apart. I know this […]

It was only when I was in 11th grade that I really paid attention to myself. During our personal development class we were discussing mental illnesses. Only then did I realize (as I consulted my teacher after class) that I had a phobia of clowns. I thought I was just more afraid than average people who are afraid of it. She then suggested that I try exposure therapy if I don’t want to consult a professional or even our school counselor.

Tried it but failed thousand times. For a few months I just open google in my phone but even before I type the word clown […]

Throughout my childhood I’ve been comfortable with anyone and anywhere since I grew up with most of my male cousins. Sure I enjoyed barbie and disney but often I preferred playing outside with the boys getting dirt all over our clothes, playing with fake guns, playing basketball with most of my brother’s friends, and getting all my clothes from them as I was the youngest of them all. That’s how a girl like me grew up to be kinda boyish. Well I admit I got confused for a while. Nothing new since I attended an all girls school all through kinder to highschool.

Never did I […]

I know i cant be alone. I think everyone hates me. Im seeing anger where they swear up and down they arent. There has to be some way to cope. Some way to figure out what is true vs whats not. I feel like im going crazy constantly asking if people are mad at me. Everytime they say no. Are they lying? Am i seeing emotions that arent there? What do i do?

My world feels evil. Nothing makes sense, and i just want to die.

my mother is severely depressed and she says that something that keeps her going is having to pay for my degree and how happy it makes her feel that i am studying hard

it breaks me inside how i cannot tell her that i am not alive and that i am just still breathing, how i’ve thought of ending it all, how fucking done i am  with uni and how done i am of my professors laughing at me because i fucking cared too much about one of them, the fucking amount of pressure i feel not to fail because even though i have okay-ish marks […]

There’s a suicide in the movie “An officer and a Gentleman”. It’s been a while since I’ve seen that movie but the scene in question I can recall vividly. The Richard Gere character cradles the lifeless body of his friend who moments earlier took his life and rebukes the dead friend with these questions  ” why didn’t you come to me?”  ” Why didn’t you talk about it?”. Both those questions strike a chord with me because I HAVE CAME TO MY LOVED ONES and I HAVE TALKED ABOUT IT. There’s is nothing more I can do. I exhibit every sign of a guy who […]

I understand that I am a complete waste of space because of how badly I weigh on people. I’m truly, genuinely sorry I even exist. To have even the smallest impact on someone else is too great of pressure. I have to do good. I have to help. I have to. If I don’t, what was the point of even being here?

But here’s the thing: as hard as I try, I don’t even make an impact. If there’s any sort of effect I have on people, it’s negative and it’s minuscule—so small that it can be ignored.

It’s funny. I put myself in this dilemma. Do […]

wherever you’re at, how’s the weather?

Please, enter.

I was being raped by my child molester who worked in the jail then I was arrested the next day.

Was I murdered?

Threw a party and nobody came. I guess it isn’t just my all in my head that I’m a shitty, horrible person. They really would be better off without me.

This loneliness is hard to bear