Every so often I get a reminder of how bad existence in this world can really get. A common theme is a depiction of someone burning to death. Today it was a film clip of someone caught in the blast of a nuclear explosion. Apparently, if you’re a certain distance from the centre, you don’t get vaporised, but it’s so hot that everything around you catches on fire – your hair, your clothes, everything. Now obviously this was played up for dramatic effect, but the level of agony, terror, and sheer animal desperation depicted on this character’s face rang true.

Every time I come across something […]

if so, comment with a mail adress. i am sick of this.

Ted Talks – Near Death Experience

Any community is vulnerable to becoming a cult if the right “leader” finds it.

The nature of community is self-limiting. It must be prejudicial in order to survive, mustn’t it?

“All are welcome!” How many times have we seen this posted on church marquees, touted in town notices, trade shows, conventions, even in a peer-driven suicide prevention website?

Paradoxically, the very words “community” and “peer” are themselves self-limiting. The offers of hope and belonging are modified by the invisible 2 pt fine print: if you are found to be acceptable. Whenever the word “community” is proclaimed it begs for definition of what that community believes.  “Who we are….,” […]

half a year ago, i overcame the fear, self loath and reached to her for help, with nothing in return. “if you’re so depressed, you know you can go to therapy without your mother?”that was what my closest friend said to me.

it’s so selfish for me, but i want to be sick, cancer or some incurable disease. i want someone to take my life away, instead of me doing it to myself. the result is clear–she would, or people around me would feel like it’s somehow their fault if i took my own life, but that’s not the case. this shell, this person, the thoughts, […]

I’ve missed out on so many life experiences, I have no idea how to function as an adult, my mind is trapped at a young age. And the worst part is, this is beyond my control. We cannot control how others treat us, we cannot fake “confidence” without being confident in the first place. My place is in a grave, and the sooner this happens, the sooner I don’t have to feel pain anymore.

Call me pathetic, but it hurts my heart. I wish someone could romantically cuddle up to me… I haven’t had any feelings reciprocated before. Needn’t comment on this part though, my problems […]

13 november 2019

I have written a variety of notes; I wrote personal ones to my close friends, but I decided to also write one for the general public, which I’ll post on my Instagram probably. Feeling really euphoric right now.

Hi, I am writing this out for all my friends to see. If I didn’t take the time to write something to you personally, I’m sorry, but also I was just too overwhelmed by the idea of sending something to everyone..please understand ?

I have decided to end my life today. I wish I had the words to properly convey WHY I am doing this. If you know me […]

Everything anyone says is only an opinion.

i cant take this much longer. I dont see what people see so special about being alive and having to deal with the daily bullshit. I cant do it. I’m simply not wanting to be here. Just wish it would all stop….as in no more….kaput.

I just always feel it in my conscience and it’s always in my head; that I’m gonna die young. It doesn’t even feel like I’m gonna reach 20 years old. I can’t even picture a future for myself, I can’t even imagine having kids, family around, I’m so reckless in life sometimes cuz I feel like “Why does anything even matter? I’m gonna die soon anyways.”

I just feel like I’m meant to die. I fucking hate living so much.

I’ve been watching a lot of videos about the movie Us. It’s been out for a year or so, so I don’t think I need to explain the premise. But without giving too much away, it’s about this family that is stalked by their doppelgangers, known as the tethered. It’s actually a cool premise, and I’d recommend watching it if you haven’t already. That said, I feel like my suicidal tendencies have ruined this movie for me.

For the longest time I’ve wished for someone to take my place. I realize my family would be devastated if I ever decided to off myself. I can’t even […]

I honestly was doing good up until now.
I started exercising, started a new relationship, made time for myself and my studies…
But now it just feels like nothing anymore.
Im just exhaused 24/7 wanting to self harm and just give up.
I feel lonely even though im not.
I know im appreciated but it hurts because my mind keeps telling me im not.

Therapists don’t look at what CAUSED the problem, only the SYMPTOMS of the problem. And that is what hurts. You can keep on tackling the symptoms of a cold or cough, and then it turns out to be bronchitis. Actually I did end up with a typical cough/cold that year, and yes it eventually turned into bronchitis. I know it isn’t the BEST comparison, but hopefully you get my point. It’s like putting a plaster on a gaping wound, that wound is going to stay open and collect bacteria and get infected to the point where that limb might need to get removed or it […]

I’m guessing that some of you, not unlike myself, are ‘resistant’ to antidepressants and/or counselling. Would love to hear if any of you have personally tried ECT, and if so, what the side effects were like and if it proved beneficial to you. Thanks in advance.

I can’t do this shit for much longer. There’s not much point in having a boyfriend who lives so far away. Now I’m back to my boring, crap, miserable existence. I really want to help him out but what’s the point… I don’t know how I’m meant to wait to see him in person again. Fuck there really is a reason why women go after rich guys or guys with money at least… well I wanted to not be such a shallow ***** but I can’t pretend I don’t ponder this, or at least that I don’t ponder getting a local boyfriend instead. Because, I […]

Late at night around 10:00pm or 11:00pm, (10:49pm right now) I get so sad and upset. I don’t know why, but i just do. I guess it is around the time i feel lonely and my mind is just active.

I see all these posts on instagram and VSCO, people always seem so happy. Yes, i do know that they don’t post the sad and depressing stuff on social media, but like i also see them in person all happy and energetic, yes i also do know they could be acting. But anyways i see the happiness, and i get even more sad and wanting to […]

Don’t know why I’m back here. Couldn’t tell you. Haven’t used this place in a long ass time. Haven’t even looked at this place in a long time. I know I will find no satisfaction from coming back. I probably won’t be using this place consistently. I remember I’d come here to vent and check to see if I get any sympathetic comments or advice. It took me a while that it makes no real sense to try to look for sympathy from people who hate themselves as much or more than I hate myself. It’s just […]

i rly get threatened with a restraining order because he messaged me first and i responded, what the fuck :)))) i just want to love you. i dont fucking understand

Ok so I’ll try and keep this as un dramatic as possible, as I hate melodrama. I guess I’m a pretty normal girl from a pretty normal English family, but lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to go on and it’s tough. Anyways, when I was 15, I was probs living my best life and starting to blossom out of my awkward pre teen all girls school nerdyness into a pretty social being. That summer my dad started to get pretty ill, he’d had depression all his life. I would be a bit dramatic to my then boyfriend I guess for attention, speculating […]