It was a tough morning. One of my kids needed something and I drove 50 miles to take it to them. Trying to help out. Bought lunch. Ended with being yelled at–again.

Driving home, I was pleading to God to bring someone who gave a damn that I exist, across my path. I stopped at a Circle-K on the way home. A random woman walking out of the store actually engaged me in a polite greeting.

My wife passed 11 years ago. All of our friends have abandoned me, because I am the third wheel. There are so few social events where one […]

Hi. This is my first time on here. I just need a place to go to let out everything.
My mom loves me. I love her. She always calls me beautiful and lately I’ve been going to her when i feel depressed. Today i overheard her telling her boyfriend that she hates me. She was talking about how i hate her (because im mean to her when shes drunk and shes ALWAYS drunk) and she started talking shit really loud. I hid under my sheets and cried so hard because i thought she loved me. Ive never felt suicidal before. Ive never wanted to kill […]

If i had a gun I’d shoot myself to die and let my relatives see me because they made me do this

I was on the road early. I don’t relish the idea of chasing weed too close to Paddy’s day. Christmas, Easter, bank holidays etc, it is always better to procure your pot early.  Nothing puts a dampener in my day like inferior quality weed, the last bit I had was just not quite right, this can happen, it’s rare but happens, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, he’s got a lot on his plate right now, I had voiced my dissatisfaction with the weed and insisted on the best of the best next time.  When it comes to illicit substances don’t think about […]

Can’t say anything’s changed. I don’t know if I know how to be okay or not. I’m falling into habits again, as I always seem to when I know someone and they’re around long enough. Its ridiculous and it’s something I’m very frustrated about. It’s like I’ve not even changed at all. I’m the same parasite I always was. I dont know how to like- not be? But I’ve decided if me feeling ok requires dragging others down, I’ll pass. Because that’s just not ok, obviously. This shit needs to stop. Hell, it’s part of why I used this place as frequently as I did/do.

I […]

Therapy happened today, and it came down to that I’m never really happy unless I’m neck deep in the utter horror of the awful things happening around me. I don’t know how to make anyone other than another mental health worker understand. Well, cops and medical workers seem to get it also. So my therapist helped me find a way to apply for a job in crisis response.

It involved talking to a company that….. I have a lot of doubts about. I feel like an addict in need of a fix. Because this company can connect me with local cops, I can be on the […]

My mentor from my internship this past summer said he wouldn’t write a letter of recommendation for my PhD application. He said I wasn’t ready from what he saw. Someone finally said it. No bs. Maybe a little bs. He did say maybe in a few years after I worked in the private sector a bit I might be ready. Probably just to soften the blow. But someone finally said I couldn’t do it. No carefully chosen words, no false niceties, no lies. I respect him for it. Still going to apply. Because I […]

So most faiths talk about the ‘soul’ which transcends death and earthly existence. The idea is that it’s a sort of identity that defines you before you’re even born. How many times have we heard the terms “old soul”, “dark soul” or “bright soul” as if that’s who we are regardless of what happens to us in life.

and sure, that’s one way of explaining how different people, siblings for example, will react oppositely to the exact same conditions. There must be something beyond DNA, beyond experience, that shapes who we are.

But here’s what I mean in the title. Certain drugs can change your entire personality, […]

No more pain. No more fear. No more regret, longing, shame, self-hatred or despair. Freedom. That’s the yearning that brings me back here.

It seems unlikely that would be the reality. Freedom is experienced. What I really want is to experience existence, free of all these negatives that make it seem unbearable. Whereas death seems likely to involve either the end of existence, or the end of any kind of self that I could identify with.

So death would not bring freedom. But it would likely bring an end, And that sometimes seems appealing to a delusional part of me. Because the pain seems unbearable, and intolerable. […]

I have been afraid of pursuing a degree bc I have a criminal record. My brother assures me that he will help me find a job after I get my degree. And that frees me up a lot. Maybe my life isnt as over as I thought. Im gonna shoot for it, damnit! What do I have to lose? Perhaps Im not as fucked as I thought I was

What will be left of me when I’m gone? I know no one cares. I am but a scream in the void, and will be missed about as much.

It irritates me when I find a talented author, and they have but one work. Such is the case with the book I’m reading right now, Sins of the Flesh by Don Davis. There are multiple men named Don Davis and none of them ever wrote anything resembling this book ever again. This book was released 36 years ago. A distant scream in the void. He released it, I think with his son Jay Davis who also […]

I don’t know how to feel about this.

I don’t wanna go see him once he’s born.

I’m so estranged from my older brother.

I’m so estranged from all my immediate family members and relatives

They’ll all say I did this to myself and they’re right but that doesn’t help. It just makes me want to get further away from them.

I love them but I don’t wanna show them for some reason.

I haven’t gone to funerals, birthday parties, holiday celebrations, weddings in years.

The only way I can cope with these events […]

Los Dos means “the two”. Two things happened to me today that I thought made today kinda special.

1. The opportunity to fufill my darker daydreams and fantasies presented itself today. It was just me, and them. And if I wanted to, I couldve, and I wouldnt have gotten caught. But, unlike my daydreams, in real-life, I made a conscious choice to do nothing. I went about my day instead. And this made me feel great about […]

I keep going over and over it in my head; what did I do to deserve this? I can’t have done anything that bad. Then I think about some of you that I’ve gotten to know, I know some of you think you’ve done something bad, but bad enough to be stuck depressed and hopeless? I don’t think you’ve done something that bad either.

Maybe it’s an immature approach, assuming that people should get what they deserve. I keep going back over all the awful things I ever did, but haven’t I done penance for those awful things?! I tried to kill someone once, okay, a […]

-_-

For all my ability to shake off chemical dependency, there’s one thing I’m still stuck on; this blasted machine.

A few minutes ago it did that thing that it does every now and then, click goes a fuse. I don’t understand why on a perfectly sunny day, almost no wind.

What it means though is that I have to reboot. It’s almost the only reason I ever have to. Which means I have to close everything… and it’s just irritating and it highlights how dependent and attached I am to this whole machine I am. I’m watching my afternoon show, so that has to shift.

I did notice […]

the problem with recovery, whether we’re talking about depression or alcohol, drugs, self harm, whatever, is that you need some baseline stability in your life to keep it going. But if your life is still the chaotic mess that led you to self destruction, guess what, you’ll end up right back at rock bottom.

suppose you’re trying to light a fireplace to keep warm. You typically start with twigs or newspaper or whatever kindling material you have as a catalyst, but if you don’t have any actual logs in there then your starter flame will burn out.

i’ve made some amazing efforts at recover in all the […]

and your drs- especially Primary Care Physicians- do not listen to you, do not give you the proper lab tests to find out what you have, or refer you to specialists bc they just don’t believe you?

It’s fucking insanity with PCPs act like cockblocks- they are literally gatekeepers keeping you from seeing specialists and from getting proper labwork.

Why does life have to be so sucky? Like tons of stress, worries, money worries, health issues, etc. Just a litany of crap and more crap in our lives? I mean look- most of us are here with REAL LEGIT issues that leads us to have depression- whether it’s a shitty job, lack of a job, shitty pay, shitty boss, shitty asshole neighbors, or our shitty lot in life. Our depression isn’t going to be gone or solved unless our REAL life issues gets solved. And many of our life issues are hard or near impossible to “fix” or get […]

Tell me something to make me feel better. Not the usual “everything will work out and be fine” stuff we always hear bc apparently, everything has NOT worked out well for most of us here on SP.

Maybe a joke. Maybe some funny story. Maybe a link to a YT short. Feeling bleh. -_-