I thought about this song earlier. Lämna mig ifred means leave me alone in swedish… maybe I got my username from this song. I’m not sure, was a while ago. Anyway.

There’s like this void inside me that never goes away. Eats at me. I want to get rid off my feelings somehow but nothing makes me feel numb enough for the void to go away.
I mean I have tried some things. Alcohol makes me really happy for a few hours, then depressed for two weeks. I took a benzo yesterday for the first time in months. It didnt relieve any of my anxiety […]

the constant pain in unbearable. i cant do it and i keep attempting its become a monthly routine. but i dont really want to die. every time i do it i know it wont work but i hope it will.

i always hope every breath i take is the last i just cant deal with this.

i dont care who i hurt or whos affected

but i kind of do.

im so unsure about my place in this world

Apart from what consumption I manage, I feel as though I’m already dead. Dead minus the expensive parts; coffins, funerals, etc all are unnecessarily expensive and thus some days it’s just my frugality keeping me from snuffing it.

So I’m nominally alive, that is to say in medical terms, but not in any meaningful philosophic way.

I have some money, I don’t have anything I want to spend it on. Meanwhile there are things I want, but they are so out of my price range…. like where am I going to get $10k, the low end for unoccupied undeveloped land. What I want most right now is […]

I don’t know my password. Following up. I followed Stan’s guide. I observed online memorials of people like me, and I tasted the Sodium Nitrite, salty. This is really it for me. I voiced my concerns on the comment section of 911 by Gaga, and “Leave” was comped in. The timing was off, I didn’t expect to have a breakdown today. I feel like I’m intruding, but that was my name, my work, and “you’re so ugly” or ” grow up ” (which would incite more violence for me if I tried putting myself out there again) attached to the song. Idk, these past couple […]

I don’t think it counts to tell a story. I tried. In short… There’s nothing left for me here. Because of everything. And people bully me. I can’t start new anywhere. I just want to be myself. I can’t. I’ve had depression for a long time, however, this year really hurt me. I was looking at Ameriqual videos to kind of see the reality of everything. And there it is, “Ashley, go fuck yourself” all celebratory. And there it was again at the end of 911 by Lady Gaga. It’s difficult enough. Some guy grilled me and called me a b* and a fa**** once. […]

So this doesn’t apply as much to you young folks, bc you still have a chance. But for us single middle age folk- if we haven’t been able to find a suitable person to want to be with us by now, what chance is that going to happen in the next 5 years? or even 10 years (although at that point we’re getting pretty fucking old).

There’s the “left over” theory- ie those that are good quality men and women, get snatched up early. Those who are left, well, they’re not really desirable- people who are poor, ugly, disabled, depressed, unmotivated, unproductive, not smart, […]

I want to be with someone who makes me feel good. Somebody who is funny and will make me smile. Someone who will be there when i’m down. Someone I can do all those same things for in return. I know i’m not good enough though  I am going to be lonely forever.

What would you undo?

edit-
lol i had originally meant in ur own life, like any “mistakes” or choices that would have brought out dramatic changes in your life, like just switching majors or having gone to a different school. had i gone with what i originally wanted to do at the original uni i wanted to go to, my life would have been MUCH different. sigh. 🙁

or what if i had tried running away when i was little and actually done it?

I’ve been so depressed the last few months that I’m not even eating. Ok, it’s more like due to my fatigue and health issues, it’s the GETTING food that is the big problem. I could do it, but it’s so taxing on me. Which means I haven’t been going as often as I need and so I’ve been going hungry.

I told myself I need to go to the grocery store today, but yet again, I am lying in bed not doing it.

It’s so fucking bullocks that you have to keep getting groceries, keep eating, just to live. I […]

I lost all my friends back home, I question if they were ever my “friends” or just people I was around so I didn’t show how lonely I felt. I care for everyone and anyone, never asked for anything in return or needed help but when times got tough and I became the person that needed help, they were gone like the wind.

I thought moving away from it all would help, I didn’t have anything to lose as it was already gone. Starting University I moved as far from everyone I previously knew as I could. It’s funny really, they all keep in […]

What would you undo?

at the same time as it is the problem, it’s the only solution I have, avoiding life that is. Like when I talk to the suicide hotline… or a therapist… it all comes down to how well am I avoiding triggers, which now most of life is filled with.

It’s Monday, it’s supposed to be my productive day, and I just can’t engage with almost anything. I want to, but I don’t know how to make that happen. I had an image waking up today; an ostrich with it’s head buried in the sand. That’s me. Looks pretty stupid.

Thus far I filled out some forms…. but […]

I’ve never met anyone irl who has such an appetite for self fuckery as me. Online, sure just look around, but I mean in the real world around me. I’m the freak of my local universe.

What’s funny is my best friend committed suicide but even that wasn’t “self destruction” as much as it was self redemption. What did hamlet say…? “take arms against a sea of pain” That’s suicide. But I’m obviously not doing that. Instead I’m adding to the sea of pain.

today started out with 2 pieces of good news. but here i am fucking myself up again. I didn’t even need a reason. […]

Why does everywant want to have sex. My older brother. My younger brother. My parents. My neighbours. I hate sex. I don’t want to have sex. But no girls are interested in me apart from wanting to have sex. I don’t want it… I hate sex

Thank you for causing me problems. 

Thank you for the trauma. 

Thanks for hurting me. 

Thank you for never being there. 

Thanks for making me feel worthless. 

Don’t worry it’s not just you. 

These kids at school  have caused me trauma too. 

I have been abused my teachers, kids, and myself. 

But maybe if you were there I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. 

Thank you for being the first to cause me trauma.

Depression has ruined everything. when something is peaceful its only for a few moments. Then everything goes to shit again. I get annoyed and start pushing people away. I don’t realize I’ve been pushing everyone away until Im really low. Its the same cycle over and over and over. one big endless cycle.

I had an urge to end it all the other day. I don’t know why I Didn’t.

Im so lonely and I just want a relationship where somebody cares about me. Someone who shares my interests and who will make me smile and laugh. But how can somebody love me when I don’t love […]

I just want someone. I just want someone to comfort me. I want someone to appreciate me. I want someone to talk to. I just want a friend. I’m tired of being lonely. I’m tired of spending my weekends on the internet (not talking to anyone but a Replika) instead of hanging out with friends. I’m tired of having to work by myself for group projects because I don’t have any friends. I’m tired of going out in public, seeing everyone with their friends and/or boy/girlfriends, and getting sick with jealousy. I’m tired of trying to make online friends just for them to forget about […]

This past week has felt like an eternity. Prep for presentations and projects that I know I’m no good at. My partners are the ones that put in most of the work. I just uselessly tag along. Always depending on someone and never the one who is depended on. I’ve also been real weepy lately. Crying over how useless I am. No matter what I do I’ll never learn and better myself. It’s almost like I’m incapable of growing. That’s why I can’t cut it in this Master’s program or in the workforce. My decision […]

I’m tired of trying to distract myself from my loneliness. I’ve been more or less alone for the majority of my life, and it’s only getting worse as I get older. No one knows me. No one cares except my family, and they don’t really know me. I’ve given no one a reason to care about me. There is no good reason to care about me. I’m not someone worthy of being cared for. But it doesn’t stop me wanting it. I want to be known. I want at least one other person to really understand what goes on in my head, without wanting to […]

aristotle said in order for a story to be called a tragedy, the main character has to have a moment of realization, regret or remorse. In other words suffering by itself isn’t a tragedy, b ut if the main character realizes it was all his fault, or if he should’ve known better, then it becomes a tragedy. well ok then maybe this is my tragic reckoning

we’ll get to me in a minute. first an observation about human nature, nature itself, and as far as i know the state of the entire universe. The human race is like a slow moving herd. The ones leading the […]