Hello, my name is Tandra and I am 19 years old. I am a law aspirant, well to be honest, I don’t know what I am anymore. I finished my schooling last year and appeared for an entrance exam called CLAT. It is an All India entrance exam and thousands of kids compete to get into an National Law University. The total seats for General category students is just 800, because most of the seats are reserved for SC, ST, OBC, etc categories. I got an ALL INDIA RANK of 2188, which is not bad at all considering the competition. But it is not enough […]

, why do I let myself suffer? Who’ll be there to really help?idk, and no one there’s only one who keeps me here and that’s because I can’t stand the thought of her going through her brothers suicide, if I can let go of that then I can be free .

Everyone has a Celebrity Crush supposedly. I remember as a kid my first ever crush was Jessica Biel. I used to race home from school on certain days to watch ‘7th Heaven’. Oh no, most certainly not for the Christian values, but for the beautiful Jessica Biel! I remember one mid afternoon my dad had walked into the living room unexpectedly and I flipped the channel nervously as if I was watching porn. Really, I just didn’t want him catching me watching 7th Heaven! A couple years later Jessica Biel left the show and I no longer had a reason to watch until I heard […]

Well, I promised on here that I would do it, and I did try. However my efforts were thwarted because this particular strategy though effective, is very painful.

I went to the store and bought glass cleaner (active ingredient is ammonia) and a gallon of bleach. I poured the contents of both into my bathtub. Nothing really happened. I decided that it needed to be more concentrated, but I was out of glass cleaner. I found some lysol toilet bowl cleaner (active ingredient hydrochloric acid) and poured it into the bathtub as well. That was the ticket.  Immediately my lungs began to burn, I began coughing […]

I felt the need to put this here. Maybe it will help someone.

Red and Blue
What undeniable pain
Choosing between red and between blue.
Most said it was easy,
I said I loved them both the same.
But maybe this wasn’t as true as I thought.
I love red a lot.
I love it for the glint in blood
The velvet in petals
The anger in soul
And the grass on the knoll.
It’s beautiful passion rinses through us all
It’s telling tale of love and hate.
But for me it was not to be.
For blue held my heart, though I viewed it […]

Hey everyone,

I had a slight relapse in my self harm and I just need a good excuse for a cut at my waist level… I can’t talk about it and I will hide it but just incase, please anyone help

I’m crushing on someone for the first time in over a year, but he likes someone else. We are so close, best friends; sometimes i think im enough and that he likes me but at the end of the day i know he doesn’t

if you saw my last post…I’m still drinking almost every night, its pretty bad right now. i started cutting again, which sucks i guess; most things suck though

everything is just so hard, i cry too much, i feel too much but at the same time i feel nothing at all. i don’t know what to do, or how to fix myself, i […]

I’ve made connection impossible for myself, through my actions, and what I’ve become. But large parts of me don’t realize. They go on longing for something that’s hard to define. The ability to relax and be myself around someone. Intimacy. To truly care for someone other than myself. To be known, understood, accepted, loved, as I truly am. To be ok with another person. To be acceptable.

But I’m not acceptable. And I never can be, regardless of what I do from here.

So I’m continuing to live because I’m afraid of dying. But my mind is driving me crazy, desperately grasping out for any way to […]

My first big assignment and I blew it.

I failed again. I failed to turn in my homework on time. I failed to prioritize what I needed to do first. I failed myself. I failed at life. At least my symptoms arent flaring up. At least I’m not falling straight into psychosis. But, still. I’ve failed. The meds made me soo tired i basically slept through monday and tuesday and by the time wendesday came I was already late. I found this guy under the miniclips in the WAP video. I can relate so much to him. I hate how  the system doesn’t work. Everything from […]

In feb of this year i cut my radial artery in my wrist. I just lost my best friend my twin flame my guy. Never got to say goodbye or sorry. I have had many suicide atrempts unfortunately but this one amd the one previous should have been the last. I dont remember doing it i just remember holding my arm i realizing it was bad cause it was squirting like in the movies. . My first thought was not to get help it was to proceed to get into the bath tub and let it happen. Not sure how much time passed but i […]

I do make an effort to follow my therapist’s advise and use methods I have learned to steer my mind away from the dark thoughts which have plagued me for the last 45 years.  Sometimes this works and I can get myself on a positive track but it is not a stable track.    Too many of the triggers I have for dark thoughts are around me and I am unable to control that.   I have limited my access to news feeds and am careful what I read on social media, but there are too many things out there.   Our country and world seem to […]

On the 1st of December 2019, i posted my last post. A month after, on the 4th of January, i attempted suicide. I overdosed on pills. My parents were witnesses, they found me, apparently dying. For a few weeks after, i thought it was all a dream. Until my father showed the empty pill packets, I didn’t believe him.

It’s been nearly a year since my attempt. It’s much better, I might even say I’m happy.  But… I can sense a change. It’s not depression and the thoughts of dying anymore. It’s lack of empathy and emotions. I don’t care about the things I used to […]

I was broken from the inside.

The depression slowly chipped me away, finally devouring me.

I could not beat the negativity.

I hated myself. Even though I tried so hard demanding my memories that kept getting cut off to ‘wake up,’ all I got in return was silence.

I‘d rather stop if I cannot breathe.

I asked who could be responsible for me.

You’re the only one.

I felt utterly alone.

It is easy to say “I‘m going to end it.”

It is very difficult to actually go through with it.

I’ve been struggling through the difficulty.

I told myself that it‘s just me wanting to run away from everything.

It’s true. I really did want to […]

I WANT TO CRY BUT I DONT KNOW WHY I WANT TO CRY..I GUESS IM TIRED? PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY..NOTHINGS RIGHT IN THE WORLD ANYMORE..EVERYTHINGS SEEM SO NOT GOOD..HOW I WISH I COULD BE BETTER..

I feel like I’m barely a part of life, thanks to a little known and poorly understood DISEASE known as situational mutism. It’s so poorly understood, that people with this burden are having to refer to it as ‘situational mutism’ as the actual name implies it’s optional.

Just like most of us hear from others, ignorant people who refuse to believe we aren’t quiet or shy. In my case, throughout my late teens and early adulthood (from 18) I’ve been infantilised. Kick me if that’s the wrong spelling. In a condescending way I would have people speak to me in soft voices, as if speaking any […]

i wonder how long it will be before i buy my way out and how much longer after before i finally take it.

Do you ever feel like you don’t belong, that even though people say they care and love you that it feels like it’s fake that just because they know your struggling they feel they have to say it. That they don’t really mean it. That it sounds like it’s forced. Because it does for me I don’t feel like I belong in my own home I feel like I just need to be here to feed and clothe everyone. I guess if I felt pretty I’d be a cinderlla in my own family. Just without the fancy godmother. Most days I don’t even consider my […]

My mind is always living in survival mode, always living in a crisis. F#ck the meaning of life, i can’t figure out how to live properly. I can’t figure the cold world out on my own. Life is too naturally cruel and unfair. Its too hard to find meaning in the toughest battles. The scars left behind just remind of how difficult life has been. People like just can’t get it right and never can find stability in their life even if they want it badly. I never felt so lost in this world, where my parents were hardly there and then any life/money guru […]

I find it absolutely amazing how a simple plant can banish all suicidal thoughts for me. It’s a Saturday, the clock is about to strike 1pm, I’ve been up since 9, every errand I had to do today has been completed and now it’s time for me to roll a joint. Suicide is in my mind but as soon as the THC hits me suicidal thoughts will be kept at arms length, my problems will remain but the pleasure of the high will wipe suicide from my mind. Unfortunately due to various responsibilities/obligations I can’t smoke during the other days of the week but I’ll […]

Today is going to be the last day of my life. I’m tired of this place and all the stress im given each day. I just wanna say thank you to my friends who have been there for me. Don’t be mad at yourself. You couldn’t see through my fake smiles, my masks. I doubt any of them will read this. I just can’t take this any longer. The stress of all the shit i have to go through. I don’t want to go through a living hell just to die one day. It doesn’t make sense so. I can’t take it!!