im a bad person
im a bad person
im a bad person
im a bad person

Here we go again. Will I get my wish. “when you feel the cold hit your vein, you’ll go out fast” I beg that this time I do not wake up. Let this happen. Kaput. Finally.

Her birthday is two days after mine. I was thinking about sending her a Happy Birthday message. In the end, I don’t think I’m going to do it. So many things could go wrong. What if she doesn’t respond? What if she does respond? What do I say then? What will she think of it? I haven’t talked to her in a year (more or less).

I want to rekindle our friendship. I miss having friends but I miss being her friend especially. But I know that I’m not willing to put in the effort and I know that if she rejects me it’ll […]

That’s precisely the problem. As an econ/finance major, this is the exact shit they lied to us about and have been brainwashing the masses for the last few decades. Hell, most of the shit they “taught” us in my econ classes have turned out to be complete BS! Even back in Uni, I had thought certain specific topics seemed strange. Now I know why. -_-

These people are disgustingly evil!

I already feel like I’m dying, and it’s just getting worse. I just want to die and get it over with, I’m tired of suffering like this. I can’t even cry, and I want to so fucking bad. This feeling I have physically weighs me down, I get tired and zone out through everything. I just want it to stop. This feeling is so horrible and its bubbling up and breaking me into pieces. I can barely move now. I’m just stuck here. In this hell. God I’m already fucking dying. I don’t even feel like a human. I don’t know what I feel like […]

/opening up about being suicidal /then getting slapped in the face /gets caught actively ingesting poison /receives support to throw away the poison/ gets slapped in the face with it’s not my problem/ calls me ugly some more/months go by/the humiliation is permanent/ and poison is hard to buy/ but this sale might go through/ I’m ready to let go/ I’m tired of lying to myself/

I was interrupted that morning. Lawn workers. Or I would’ve drunk more. I felt happy gagging with pale skin. I wanted my fingertips to turn blue. I wanted my lips to turn darker blue. I felt free in those moments. […]

I have some utopic dreams that I wanted to put into practice but they were pretty big and I wanted to involve many people.
I had this thought like a revelation that I’m going to die in September 2027 at 37 years old. I’m 33 now.

i don’t know how to beat this overwhelming loneliness. it’s starting to choke me up..

i’m starting to be plagued by suicidal thoughts again, i just wish that my knife was sharp enough to cut myself again..

everyday i seem to sleep away the day, in hope that tomorrow will be better. it never is. it just gets worse.

i have no one.

in my line of work there’s a strict hierarchy. I suppose it’s the same in every career but it’s especially strong in careers that aren’t ruled strictly by money. Sure money controls everything, but there are a few areas where money is secondary. Say for example athletics–no amount of money can make a slow runner win the race, it ultimately comes down to ability, talent, hard work and all the “noble” qualities we admire. my problem is that my line of work isn’t as clearcut as athletics; it’s still judged on a very subjective basis and that’s where $$ sticks its dirty fingers in. If […]

Lately I’ve been heavy on the escapism, looking at how it is elsewhere. I guess the hope is that it makes me grateful, and I am, or at least I’m trying.

but I can’t get over how screwed up it all is, how I don’t deserve to have it as good as I do…. everywhere I look the story is the same; rich jerks sucking up all the resources to live the high life, middle class people barely scraping by, and the working poor…… starving, having buildings collapse on them, being the victims of natural and man made disasters.

I’ve spent so long getting therapy for depression […]

Fucking pissed off “family” kept trying to convince me to move back here. I should NOT have listened to ANY of them. I come back and it’s absolute shit here, both the living environment + how fucking shitty family is to me. ESPECIALLY with how SHITTY they are to me. Fucking unreal.

WHY TF did I let myself get convinced by them? It’s a FUCKING NIGHTMARE being here.

I was “good” terms with mother before I left, and bc she has a fucking DIFFICULT personality and has ZERO respect for me, things went to shit the second I got back. […]

I can’t do this anymore. I just need to escape this world. Escape this prison of my mind. I’m alone, and I’m selfish and worthless and rotten. I can’t live with myself if no one is there for me. I’m tired. I’m so depressed and in constant pain. I think of walking away and never coming back. Walk away from all responsibilities and the past and myself and just keep walking. No need to come back. No one wants me back anyway. It hurts so much. It’s not gonna matter if I’m alive or not. So what’s the point. If dyings the only way out, […]

Many moons ago in Mr.Walsh’s latin class  ” Settle down now, settle down, no horseplay, no tomfoolery, today in the pluperfect tense we shall be discussing the tragic story of Pyramus and Thisbe” said Mr Walsh. ” Pyramus and Thisbe communicated via a crack in the wall of their adjoining houses, their parents forbade a relationship and it ended in suicide”.  The word suicide caught my ear. Even then I could not shake suicidal thoughts.

Some years later I heard of a suicide pact. A guy and girl, both equally isolated, struggling, the usual circumstances that lead to a tragic conclusion. The girl had procured some […]

If you’re going through abuse, unseen or unheard,

Just know, you’re amazing, smart and strong. Don’t let others lie to you that you’re worth nothing, that everything’s your fault, or that you aren’t good enough for others. Don’t buy into those sick games that mess with your head. It blinds you in a way that the outside world starts looking meaner than it is. It isn’t your fault. You get edgy, feel powerless, brain fogged, angry and sad. It makes depression worse.  You deserve happiness. You deserve respect. I know how it feels and I’m listening with an open heart if you need one. You aren’t […]

So.. this is it.

I guess this is what it took..

I guess everything’s just added up, and now I’m more certain than I’ve ever been that this is the right choice for me.

I’m so tired of everything.. and I feel that I can’t even explain what brought me to this point because I’m just too tired.

But it’s not fair.. if I just cease to exist without calling out all the wrongness in this world.

This.. fucked up.. life.. where nobody cares about the consequences of their actions.. where everyone lives for themselves and nobody bats an eye at those who are constantly victimized and harassed. Made to […]

Lately I have been thinking about “The Butterfly Effect”, If I made the slightest difference in choice a while back would I be somewhere completely different than I am now? If I chose not to do something as simple as pick up a penny one day would everything around me be different? If I didn’t make a tiny choice at some point in my younger years would I live in the same state? Would I be making straight A’s instead of failing? With a small choice I made, did that cause this sequence of events in my life. Because of a few minor things that may have […]

i hate everything about myself, but i can’t bring myself to actually go through hurting myself, even self harm doesn’t make me feel anything anymore

i feel like a corpse just crawling around, my mind feels so blank, i can’t even bring myself to cry anymore. everything just hurts, and i don’t know why

no one talks to me or acknowledges my existence, if i were to disappear.. no one would care. i’ve been crying out for help, but no one cares

my head hurts so much, when will it stop? everything hurts, sleeping doesn’t ease the pain away anymore.. i can’t focus on my dreams, they all […]

So a couple of updates. My last couple of posts from about a month ago was me stressing over potentially failing out of grad school. So I finally get my grades and I was wrong. I passed. I have absolutely no idea why and it makes me a little scared to talk to the professor. I guess that will be a problem for another time. So now that I have decided to stay. I’m in Worcester for the summer now. I got a job at a grocery store for the deli section. I’m not very good […]

So I was looking at the map and saw “Cuts and Slices.” So OFC my morbid mind automatically thinks of “cutting/SH” O_o Would be funny if they were next to the other shop, “The Cutting Room.” 😛

“It shouldn’t be this way.” I think that’s the core of suffering – the brain’s conviction that something has gone terribly wrong. I was supposed to have relationships. Friends. I was supposed to be likable, admirable, respectable, decent. I was supposed to be a good person. I was supposed to have a decent, meaningful career, and a family, and a partner. That’s how it’s supposed to go.

But that’s not who I turned out to be. Instead I’m a neurotic, unlikable deviant. I’m socially awkward, depressing to be around, morally twisted. And it’s not that I consciously chose to be any of these things. But I […]