Maybe, it is me who is my own culprit, it is my fault that I did not act the way I was supposed to in order to survive in this cruel world. Maybe, everything that is bothering me is just an illusion, it is a noise coming from my mind that is making me feel worthless, reminding me constantly of all my flaws and insecurities. Maybe, I wronged myself by having expectations on others, hoping they would understand me, hoping that they will turn out the way I want , hoping they will bring happiness and well-being in my life. Maybe, I should have learned […]

This passed summer I tried to use dating apps for the first time and I thought I had met someone who was perfect. Turns out they were probably just a scammer. Today I finally let the person have it after they tried texting their way back into my life. All these raw feelings came out and it wasn’t like I was able to finally let go of the fake contrived feelings I had been holding on too.

Before all of this I had felt the most suicidal I’d have ever felt and I was getting closer and closer to hurting myself. That’s when I […]

How do I explain without making it obvious.

I know you. Yes. You.

You brought me back to this site sometime last month. You are struggling, I listened.

I left for quite awhile, stuck in my own self destructive tendencies.

Attempted again.

I thought of you. I thought of how much you are struggling too, about how you ranted and raved every single day and I tried my best to help.

I hope you’re doing well, I haven’t heard from you in weeks. I guess I’ve been unable to contact anyone for weeks anyways.

I hope to see you soon, stay strong, keep going..

You got this

Every year I find a new way to go insane

i know exactly what normal people think about me

i know exactly what they’re thinking

why can’t they do the reverse?

speaking in lines and getting responded in cubes

How ive never spoke of a word

Far far away. I’ve already floated into?

floated into?

into?

why can’t they do the reverse? I thought everyone felt the same, I thought everyone went through this, I thought they knew but were denying it. But it’s way worse!

where am I?

The circular opening and the light that shines beneath has given me something else. Who knows what this is called? Don’t you classify everything and list the […]

Earlier in the year I shared how my depression took a major downturn when my wife informed me that she was leaving me.   I did not act hastily and do something stupid then, that to me is just drama.  Instead, I checked myself into the hospital, and spent 4 weeks trying to sort through everything.   Since that time, I have been in a daily fight with my depression, and I am losing.   Continued therapy has not helped, and everything I try to do for me to make things better seems to be blowing up in my face.  Today I found out that my job could […]

Yesterday it was just nonspecific anxiety, I wasn’t sure what cost the new job and my financial situation would cost…. now I know. I have to give up THC, which was helping in some quite useful ways; allowing me to sleep and eat relatively normally. The new job said I had to stop, they didn’t put it in any of the stuff we talked about leading up to today, and having my medical card, I guess I thought I’d be allowed to keep it.

I’m in a pretty dark place, not sure when I’ll be able to eat or sleep again. I’m strangely having to cycle […]

I have done some really shitty things in my life. Mostly all under the influence of alcohol. I know that if I just never drink then I will not have these issues, but I have also had fun times too. I have sought help in the past, but it has never done anything. This last time, my therapist recommendation was for me to listen to TedTalks. It seems I am in the spiral. I will get better, then I will go out and embaress the F out of myself because I was so wasted. I am a habitual binge drinker. I drink once a month […]

a mixture of rain and snow my entire shift. I was drenched and my legs felt like stumps because my feet were numb. When I got inside, my hands burned. I don’t think the company I work for cares about my well-being or safety. I fear we’ll have the same weather tomorrow. I don’t know if I can take it. I live alone above a guy who

I was on day 1. It’s day 0 again. I feel really pathetic, but at the same time I know

This is going to be hard
I’m not taking it seriously enough

I’m not taking it seriously because I don’t feel ready for another circle of the first day, the first week, irritableness, fatigue, sleeplessness, the first month, a 30 day chip and a feeling of achievement, and two months, and three months, and six months even, before I smell a party again, and promise myself it’s only one time, or only one small puff- I’m smoking it secondhand anyway- and fall back deeper into this pit, only […]

Horror is the discovery of events that have already happened that are terrible. To be blunt, it’s everywhere. The history of mankind; people made choices, many of those choices were awful. Horror is finding out that they were worse than you thought.

Terror though, that’s the anticipation of awful things yet to come. That’s the one I can’t get myself around, and I haven’t been able to find someone who has an effective strategy to deal with terror. Terror is a white hot anxiety in my belly. Things have gone so wrong, that already is, can’t make it less so by thinking about it. Terror though, […]

Y’all may know me from way back, depressed and suicidal. I have been dating this very sad and distressed boy, he recently jumped infront of a car and was killed instantly. It happened so fast, he was dead before the ambulance arrived, I was blocks away. I was gonna pick him up bc he was walking home drunk. He told me he was depressed that he wanted to kill him self. I told him I’ll call off work, and he said, “no don’t chill my friends coming”. I still tried to pick him up but he wasn’t where he said he was. 20 mins later […]

The first time I attempted suicide, I was only 4 years old. I grew up with abuse and that (along with genetics) led to a long list of crippling mental illnesses, including two personality disorders. After a decade of trying treatment after treatment, I’ve only been able to find help for my OCD. Suicidal ideation has been a constant throughout my near 24 years. I’ve attempted more times than I’ve managed to keep track of, and have been involuntarily committed over and over again.
All that is bad enough, but early 2020, I got sick. It’s been progressive, and after seeing all sorts of […]

what’s the point?  it’s like a ball and chain is tied to my chest and it’s trying to drag me into an early grave. i got diagnosed with complex ptsd and all my trauma hit me like a ton of bricks. i drowned out what she was saying but one bit has been replaying in my mind, “it’ll take at least two years to get through it…” is that true? i pushed everything he did so far into the back of my mind and it got ripped out and put on a silver platter right in front of my face. two years. at least. two […]

It was November the 15th. I remember it clearly. My mom had screamed at me, because i woke her up – I had a really bad ache in my chest that night and was even crying.

Without a word i went back to my room – and to my misfortune, that night it was to much. With the sharp knife in one hand, tears in my eyes, a bottle full of wine and painkillers on the table – probably mixed with some antidepressants – i sat on my bed. I was ready to leave – and ready to make the first cut. If my cat hadn’t […]

I don’t care about companionship anymore. Many people would ask; “what’s life worth living without a companion?”. I made up in my mind a long time ago that I’m no longer living for me. I don’t care if I have to be alone all my life. I mean alone as in absolutely no connections whatsoever. From that sentence alone one should know I’m DEFINITELY not in the mood to get close to anyone romantically. I refuse to even become friends. It hurts too much now. I have been committed to being alone for years now. Whenever I sense someone trying to pry me open I […]

I feel like everything is dying around me. People, society, nature, friendships, ideas, communities. And I don’t know if I or anyone can do something about it

You messaged. I should message back. Why? So you can say hey? So the conversation can stop? I want to message but about what? We have nothing to talk about and i feel like I’m better off shutting up anyway.

I had been wanting to die for about 6 years now. It still feels so normal. The intrusive thoughts of self harm, the gut wrenching pain of existing, the struggle to be productive, and my self hatred all feel like they have always been there, I forget what life was like without them. It took me a very long time to realize I needed help, to realize that I was allowed to feel this way and to begin to alter my mindset. However, now that I have, I am scared that it might have been too late. My boyfriend has helped a lot. I feel […]

I don’t remember the last time I’ve wanted to die this badly. I’ve been working my ass off, doing all the things I’m supposed to be doing: regular therapy appointments, taking my meds somewhat consistently, spending time with friends and family, going outside, started working out and prioritizing eating better, purging and organizing my home so I’m not living in chaos. I haven’t been this active in over 8 years since my mental health first plummeted. And yet my mind is telling me over and over, “Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.” Why isn’t anything I’m doing enough?

I don’t want to live, but I can’t die. I don’t want to live but I have to. How long can someone live in this state until you decide it’s the end? Do people who kill themselves do it impulsively? Can it be planned? I don’t want to plan my death, but sometimes I get intrusive thoughts (come on, jump under that bus! Or why not take all the pills you can find!), and I’m wondering if one day I’ll act on it impulsively, or if deep down, I have been planning my death since the day I was born.