A couple years ago I created a sort of prototype invention. I made 1000 of them and sold them for $10 bucks each, just enough to cover the cost of production and the year of work that went into making it. No profits, by design, I just wanted to gauge whether my ideas had any “value” in the human world.

Anyway that whole thing was soon forgotten and I moved on to bigger, better and more catastrophic projects, stuff that I never sprung on the world because it was never perfect. I lost touch with any sense of “value” I had in the world, aside from […]

Atheist: “God does not exist”
Misotheist: “God is an a-hole”
Deist: “God is either imperfect, unaware, unfeeling, or in a state of decay”
Agnostic: “Idk”

If any of the above describes your attitude toward the universe, or whatever mechanism controls it–in other words, if you don’t believe in an omniscient, omnipotent, benevolent and perfect being who’s in charge of things–what keeps you going?

It feels more like I’m counting down to an execution than to freedom like it originally was. I could set that as the time limit before I try to kill myself, but every time I set a time limit I never end up following it. Something’s just got to give and for as long as I’ve tried I’ve never cracked the code on what that is.

Family left today. Bought me breakfast and we said our good byes. Was able to skip buying half a weeks groceries since we went out to eat so much. I’d say that’s great […]

When he said he didn’t know of any companies, my immediate thought that he was a lying piece of shit. But I guess I’ve just cooled off and am now being back to despondent. I tried one more time asking my advisor for help. For anything. I just asked him if he knew of any companies that specialize in soft robotics. Not if any of them were hiring. Just if they exist. And he said he didn’t know any. A man who has spent his entire career dedicated to this subsection of his field. A man […]

I’m listening to a podcast of this famous divorce lawyer on Diary of a CEO. Obviously he only deals in divorces, and if one needs a lawyer, it’s never an amicable one (amicable divorces generally get settled by the couple themselves).

Anyhow, he says 56% of marriages end in divorce, and 86% will go on to remarry.

Obviously, we would all like to meet our soulmates and live “happily ever after.”

But I was thinking, is it better to be alone and lonely OR be in a relationship that is “mediocre?”

I say “mediocre” bc that’s probably about 50% of all relationships- not great but […]

It’s so easy to just fall back into the pit. I’ve been slowly falling the last couple weeks, I thought it was getting better.
Tonight my boyfriend was in a standup show. He started doing standup 2 years ago but took a break. He promised me when he started that any jokes that involved me would get run past me. He didn’t do that this time. He made up a fake joke about me and it was an embarrassing one.
He had a couple friends at the show and they were saying “oh we know you and those jokes are definitely not true”

But I felt […]

I have been more resolute to kill myself recently. I think this one is finally different. I’m not emotional about it. I just really see no future. But I need to take baby steps.

I called a crisis hotline. I’ve been thinking more and more about buying a gun recently and needed to tell someone. Just needed to get it off my chest, so a hotline where they can’t do anything to stop me was good enough. I told them my plan, argued with them a bit about how hopeless it was. They gave me some […]

I’m deeply depressed bc I’m not progressing in life. I’m stagnant and stuck in a rut. Stuck in a shitty life.

In my case, I have two MAJOR roadblocks: poor health and lack of money. How does one “beat the odds” when the odds are stacked against you?

I do not wave to die not having accomplished anything -_-

Hm…something to ponder about:

One would think being “great” at something in life would yield success and happiness. But it doesn’t. Often, what happens is that any “talent” you have (beauty, intelligence, humanity, goodness, artistic ability, etc) MAY garner you SOME success, but generally it almost ensures you will fall into the grips of some asshole exploiter/user/manipulator. Yes, you see it in the entertainment world (singers, actors, etc) but they’re not the only ones. They just happen to be famous so everyone knows their stories.

But even normal people reaching a “medium” level of success will have lots of exploiters/users/haters come out of the woodworks […]

I was thinking, wouldn’t it be amazing if I could sing like this? To sing so well that it can evoke feelings in people, even in strangers. Hell, to sing like “sirens” and enchant ppl would be cool too lol 😛

But then the negative part of my brain goes (there’s always a negative to everything in life)…well most famous/talented singers lived sad lives and died tragic deaths, like MJ, Whitney, Amy Winehouse, Britney, Amanda Bynes, Justine Bieber, etc

If you have any talent, the vultures will come and pick you off.
If you have any money (and not evil), the vultures will come […]

I don’t know if anyone here could relate or not? But, just like the title says: Life just feels so limited. I don’t understand how people can say that we are free to do (or be) anything. Maybe only for those lucky people, but definitely not for everyone. At least that’s what I really feel, when I think about my life. It seems like anything I do just eventually got crushed & destroyed by reality.

Also, everyday a lot of people are trapped within the economic & financial, monetary situations, that they can’t just be ‘free’ to do whatever they really want to. For example: many […]

I think if I am alone on the 250th anniversary of our nation, that will really solidify it. I am nobody. I can’t say I will really do it then, but I certainly will know whether or not I have any reasons not to anymore.

This is what happens when a country’s leaders don’t poison their population with toxic chemicals in their water and food:

Meanwhile, here in the US, our kids eat tide pods o_O

This kid almost gives me hope in humanity. Almost. Still have nil hope bc the stupid and evil outnumber the smart and good by 1000:1

Also…how does a seasoned researcher use toxic chemicals in her experiments? Especially ones that literally affect the organism she is studying? Doesn’t that invalidate her entire fucking experiment?

Yet there are TONS of “studies” using terrible methodology that are published every day and the results we are told […]

It’s pretty pathetic that I come back to this place just because of the fun memories I have here. But in retrospect, I also regret not keeping in touch with mt Age of Empires 3 friends. Sadly suffice to say there and here were my first online friends. Although if it weren’t for my curse, I doubt I would think about this place. It seems like a tar pit. Most of the posts are by regulars who’ve been here for years… Sigh. We need to elect an SP president. Make SP great again! Lmao

I wasn’t as angry today. But I did feel dread. My advisor finally called me. Said “he’d keep his eyes peeled” and “good luck”, but not much else. Said the company was probably not looking to hire. I already conditioned myself to expect nothing. So I wasn’t as disappointed. But that was honestly my best shot. Now I’ve really got nothing. Can’t say I expected anything from him. Was never a good research assistant. Provided him nothing like papers or anything like that. So why would he help me out? Life is […]

The present tense word meaning to injure or the injury. The spelling for the past tense of wind which means to twist and spiral. Wound up. In this case I’m using it in the sense of “wound up”.

Tomorrow the work week starts and I’m already getting wound up. My anger isn’t quite there yet and the dread hasn’t quite set in. But I know the second I step into that hell hole warehouse, my brain will be screaming. This can’t be the way things are. Hating 5 (in my case 4) days out of the week […]

“Everyone’s entitled to their feelings”.

On the surface, it seems reasonable and something with which anyone can easily agree.

I am feeling deep, sorrow where only yesterday the feelings were positive, love of family, belonging, shared connection.

There is someone in my close family who is jealous of any positive family/friend attention I get—even if the occasion calls for it—such as recognition of an accomplishment or a milestone. Whether they are cognizant of it or not, this person goes out of his/her way to diminish it in some way, or just make me outright angry or sad. A gaslighter, too.

So now I am feeling isolated and displaced. […]

How did it get like this?

Hey it’s me, it’s always a while between every post i share, this one will be long so please be patient with me, i needed to finally vent. I was active back in 2022 when i was 19, i was still pure, innocent, i was depressed and stuck. Not long after i quit this website a?d almost forgot about it, i met someone online and we started dating, i went to college September 2022 and hell started. Even tho it was an online relationship, it never failed to make me feel objectified and seen as an amusement. He used to control me and […]