This constant hate for myself has been getting overwhelming. Honestly suicide has started to become a huge option. I try to think positively of myself and about my life but I can’t and it’s really hard. I know there are peoples life’s worse than mine but I just don’t like myself and I always feel like I don’t deserve to live. I’ve been crying everyday of my life for the past couple of months non stop about 2-5 times a day. My body has become so weak and I always feel exhausted for all this crying but get 4 hours or less sleep a day. […]

I’ve got a dirty secret.
hush now, never tell.
quite a filthy secret-
for which I’ll burn in hell.

see, such a nasty secret.
should never cross ones lips;
so 10 long years I’ve waited
Whilst through my soul it rips.

I’ve sat alone, pretending
that everything’s just fine.
I swore I’d never tell a soul
but after all this time…

I find myself just burning
to say those secret words.
The truth to sink in someone’s ear,
to finally be heard.

The twisted nauseation
to curl around their soul,
As they find that they believe me.
The curse of knowledge in whole.

Alas, it’ll never be spoken aloud.
it’s […]

y’know, maybe i should be working on the assignments i said i would instead of letting one email get to me like this. But I can’t. I already put this up on a vent channel elsewhere but I deleted it because my friends were on there and I felt like such a bother. I mean, the person who got me here was me and me alone, why should I involve others like this? Then again, I just really wanted to get something out there other than keeping it in my mind and have it tear me down. I’ve always felt better after getting it out […]

I haven’t spoke lately, in fact I havent been on here lately for a while. I thought I finally beat depression, I thought I wouldn’t get the self harm thoughts again. I thought “yes I’ve finally set myself free”. But it isn’t that simple as that is it. I must say I am proud of myself I haven’t self harmed for a while, so there is still hope out there. However the thought still crosses my mind. What would one more do, one more line, one more scar to add what harm would that do. But depression is a black hole acting as like its […]

i first found out about ‘suicide forums’ when i was reading from a (shocker) suicide book. i quickly looked at the website, convincingly telling myself it was out of curiosity. closed the tab as if spending any more time on it would spread to me and infect me. it did. it became something i did a lot. reading through pages and pages of people and their thoughts. ironic to see so many alone people feel alone together. at this point i wouldn’t say i’m sad, i’m still. i wish i could write about how everything has messed me over. i feel drained, empty, tired of […]

The scent of a nearby cigarette is the scent of blood to a vampire

No one wants me anymore, they pushed me out or walked away. No one cares that I cant handle it. The intense voice in my head being stuck inside, my life being sucked away from me, I cant handle it. I’m being sucked into a dark hole again and literally no one is there to help me crawl out. This isolation can last a year or more. I dont think il be able to do it. While this has been my fear since the outbreak emerged everyone didnt even think about it. Now it’s all over media, what about the mentally ill? It happened again, […]

Spirals are a gorgeous shape. Simply flawless, mimicked everywhere you look in nature. Look at me trying to be profound. Spirals are simply perfect aside from their incredible downfalls. No matter how you turn them they are downward, and eventually they end.
lucky me, to be stuck in such a shape of error.
The mind flits, naturally, to curly slides and fries and cascading curls of hair on special occasions. But this spiral is not something fun. Though it may be beautiful, watching such a disaster unfold.
One thinks, this must be the final downward turn. I am but mere moments away from level ground, […]

Meet me in the future
Then maybe our fate will change
Ill be happy fluffy ball that only look at you
Youll be caring sunshine that only look at me

Then
We can be one
Like we are wished to be

i drive away the people i love. they lose interest. i destroy myself. all i feel is pain all the time and when i’m happy its naive because it never lasts. ill never last in this world. im 18 now, but i feel like a child still. i cant manage responsibility. i let people down. they’re sick of me. i’m a waste. i build myself up just to crash and burn in the worst way at the very last second. and this fucking pain, why do i hurt so much? i’ve tried so many medications, they don’t seem to work. my intrusive thoughts come, and […]

my friends bday is coming up. after fucking it up last year and having a mental breakdown i want to surprise him this year and be a month clean. i want to message him and say “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! oh and my present to you because i know it will make you happy….i havent had a joint or a drink in a month 🙂 april **th was my last day.” but i cant do it. i havent had a drink in a day or so and im a b*tch. my husband mentioned that im “on edge” and thats the first time in my life ive ever […]

I cant. I dug myself out of a fucking whole a year ago. I was on the brink of wanting to kill me and my kid being home all day. I’m luckily still working but I swear if I lose my job over this stupid pandemic. I’m in for it. I cant have such an available schedule. I make myself busy I do everything and anything I can to stay busy til I can’t stay awake longer. I have had mental health issues for years. I dont believe in medication. I know what keeps me balanced. If this covid BS affects me directly I’m gone. […]

I’m so lazy. I think my psyche is affected. I don’t do anything but play league and sleep. I’m tired all the time and I gained weight due to meds. I can’t even go on Grindr because when asked so what do you do for a living guess what? Disability due to schizophrenia isn’t it exactly a catch to anyone. I should be reading more but I’m not. I should be studying doing crossword puzzles or something, but I’m not. I’m so frustrated with myself at the moment. I’m such an imbecile. I doubt I’ll ever be a geneticist like I want to be. Gosh […]

Nothing brings me happiness. Only my ex did, when I was with him in real life.
Going to sleep nowadays scares me because I keep having nightmares about my dad (again), even though it’s been nearly 2 years since I left him.
I’m super unproductive now. I don’t really do anything except eat, drink, shower, sleep, and fumble with my phone and laptop, mostly doing random google searches and playing a certain video game.
I feel like I’m whinging. I probably am whinging. The coronavirus stuff isn’t helping either.

I got guns in my head and they won’t go, spirit in my head and they won’t go.

For the past 2 weeks, my anxiety doubled, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat well.
And I’ve been thinking a lot lately.
It keeps coming to my head, I just wanna cry and let it out most of the time.
But I can’t, I don’t know why.

I’m at the edge.
I always ask myself, “Is it okay for me to give up?”
“Is it okay to just rest?”

I’m tired.
My body is and my mind is.
Talk to me?
’cause these thoughts are killing me.

So for a while now, probably a couple of months I’ve been crying every single day about something it could be the littlest thing but I just start crying and I just going to this episode of hating myself and wanting to just be alone and away from everything and everyone and then it turns into anger and then anybody who tries to help me I give a attitude to. And I do know that I’m clinically diagnosed with bipolar depression But for years it’s been under control and I’ve learned how to control it so much that years ago the Psychiatrist felt like I […]

6 Years ago, I found this website, while i was in my lowest ebb, and decided to post in here. I thought that when it was over, it would be over, however, it kept coming back. These horrific depressive episodes keep coming back. Right now, I am in my final year of uni, my life is a complete mess, I have undiagnosed ocd (magical/ superstitious thinking) I feel that every horrible feeling I had before is coming back because I didn’t do something correctly. My relationships are a mess, I fall under fearful avoidant, I jump from hot or cold, I get perpetually heartbroken, and […]

I always think that I’m hard to love but they said it’s not true
When I think about it deeper, yes, it’s not true
But the truth is, it’s hard to stay — in love, or to stay in general — with me.

Do you know the song of Lorde, Liability?
I feels like that most of the time
I’m a little too much for everyone/anyone to handle.
I tend to push them away and shut myself out from the world.

I want to disappear but at the same time I want to lift myself up from this darkness.
Can you help me?

Suppose for whatever reason you decide that you’re not ready to end it yet. But you’re still filled with an overwhelming sense of the futility of living. You’re still in pain, and that seems likely to only get worse. You’re still completely alone, and unable to see any possibility of meaningful connection. It still feels clear that you would be better off not existing.

Are there better ways to manage that feeling? So that it consumes you and tortures you as little as possible? I’ve been trying/failing for the best part of 12 years now.

Some random responses that come to my mind:

Mindfulness/meditation – to try to […]