Maybe for some people life gets better, but, for me, life is only getting worse.
I actually was hospitalized earlier this month because my depression and anxiety were so bad. However, I’m still sick. I have no one to reach out to and I don’t know how to help myself. I wish I could disappear.

Do you ever get tired of trying to explain your side of the story? The why that why this. I’m tired of trying to get my point across because I feel like it doesn’t even matter anymore. I’ll only dig a deeper hole into my grave. I’m tired of trying to explain myself whenever I get misinterpreted. Whenever someone misunderstand my point. It got to a stage where I’am physically, emotionally and mentally tired of what’s happening. Everything’s falling apart and me trying to speak out only makes the destruction go faster. It’s like calming a tornado. My chest hurts and tightens every […]

Someone at my school who I didn’t even know committed suicide and I didn’t think it would affect me but it is. It’s just dredging up feelings and thoughts that I’ve had personally and the person just reminds me of me which sounds attention-seeking I know.  Anyway it’s weird because it’s really put a pall over my day and I can’t stop thinking about it even though other people have moved on and I don’t know how.

There used to be three strong tethers binding me to this life. there were more that didn’t matter as much, even if they should have. Just how it worked.
Does it matter how two of them got cut and how the third isn’t as strong?

I suppose I have a new tether which isn’t as strong either. Maybe I grew past the point where tethers mean as much.

I see the compromises I made to get this far. I see how far I am from what I could be, what I was once inspired to be but maybe that was always meant to be another person […]

I don’t entirely understand why I think this way, but when I’m in a slump struggling to keep up with my commitments, my family and friends, usually starting with a comment my father will make.

“I’m just frustrated that you don’t respect me enough to listen to what I have to say.”

I go into a downward spiral, struggling to fight off the demons that haunt my life. My suicidal thoughts that play on repeat, over and over again. Their no rational to it, just boom your dad thinks your a failure oh maybe lets just stop here I’ve had enough.

I understand the insanity of it, I […]

For the past week, I am not feeling myself lately and this is not relatively a new feeling, but this past week has been more aggressive than its ever been and culminating today was the disaster i dont wanna think it is , but dismissing so , would not just be denial but also forthright i donno what, i am at a loss for flowery words, right now the only thought pulsing through my mind, is that i have to end this the quickest way possible i want to jump off a cliff,possibly a tavern, hack my heart with an axe, bleed till i die, […]

It seems that everyone is in the position of gambling on the nature of reality. By delaying ending my life, I am wagering that something terrible doesn’t happen in the mean time. Or that it will somehow pay off in terms of future happiness or fulfillment. Or that my endurance of suffering will be worth it in terms of protecting my parents and sister from the devastation of loss.

My problem is that I have no confidence in any of these reasons. There is every reason to believe that at some part, it will all fall apart. That my past will catch up with me, bringing […]

i’ve been wearing black turtle necks a lot because it’s warm for winter-i haven’t strangled in a while (not in a sexual way lol idk how people get off to that), i like it bc i dont like the feeling of getting my skin cut through or whatever, and it usually leaves less of a mark, but this time i did it and i guess bc i havent done it for a while i didn’t do it correctly (ig theres no correct way to do it i just have my way), and it left some thin marks and it was mediocre, i didnt even feel […]

I won’t subject myself to anymore ridicule and shame. I have decided that I don’t wanna pursue a relationship anymore. Why? Well because I hate that feeling of rejection. I hate it so much that I will avoid the possibility of it happening at all costs. I have discovered that I can actually still live a fulfilling life even without a significant other, gf, wife, soulmate or whatever you wanna call it. I know why women have rejected me. I will admit and own up to my flaws. I will work on my flaws and this will be an ongoing process from now on. But […]

I always come back. I reread my old posts. I browse new ones. I dont even necessarily wanna die anymore but I always am so drawn to this place.

Recently been trying to identify why I feel so unworthy and unwanted by people around me. I feel as if people always leave me, they no longer see value in me and that’s really affecting me and always has.

Moving though was the best thing for me, I love Arizona, I love the new people I met here. However the feelings run so deep for me i just want to latch on and i wish people […]

he is one of the most decent persons i know. the problem is that i’m a piece of shit who would rather run away from all my problems and leave no one with my burdens. i want to run away from everything, everything. i just wanna shut myself and play games and sleep in my room. i don’t want to interact with anyone in real life. there’s no point for me to participate in society anyway. i’m just a useless person who keeps giving out half-assed work because i’m so burned out and depressed.

he doesn’t deserve a piece of shit like me. at this […]

i have to make so many posters in 3 days. should’ve started over the break but my dumbass didn’t because i love to procrastinate. i am so stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid

i am incompetent. so incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent

i am worthless. so worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless

i don’t deserve my happiness in this life. i deserve the worst kind of death. the worst kind of punishment

dear god please just kill me now i’m so sorry to my dog and my boyfriend and my family and […]

by literally everything. but let me explain my reality differently. i am stuck between life and death. melting. the place i find myself in is evil, and against me. but i created this for myself.. am i still in control? i can feel the friction as these walls slowly crush me. i am afraid of myself. have i really sold my soul?

I want to die. I’m not depressed, mentally destressed, stressed in general, etcetera I’m general an average person. But. I just don’t like existing. I’d rather not. It’s my opinion, like apples to oranges. I like apples more than oranges. I’d like to die more than I’d like to live. I don’t hate my life (other than the simple fact of being alive), I don’t hate myself, people don’t hate me, for the most part, I mean you can’t be friends with anyone, y’know. I’ve been depressed, but when I’m depressed I’m not suicidal. I mostly just want attention and comfort, someone to talk to […]

It’s inevitable now, I’m going to drink antifreeze, about 5oz of it like 200ml, it just sucks it’s so bitter or I think I’d be able to down more, I know “no methods” but I wonder what mixer would make it more bearable. Then immediately after down a bunch of hydroxyzine, Xanax, klonopin (since glycol takes almost up to 3 days to be fatal I wanted to be out for the first half) Whatever I wake up to (I hope not a hospital) the “what if” urge I’ve been having for the last three months will be gone, I’ve never tried this much poisoning. I’m […]

i told him i was painting so i couldnt answer. i lied. i was going to hangout with my cousin and try a new drug. my cousin got into a car accident and we ended up not doing it. hes fine no one was even scratched. but it happened. i told him i wouldnt throw anything. that i would calm down. i ended up throwing something then cutting myself deeper then i think ive ever cut before. everything is getting worse. my drinking. my drug use. im sneaking behind peoples backs. i never lied to my friend before and not it seems thats all i […]

Is it just me or whenever you try to be transparent about what you’re feeling to someone it always ends up being about them like
“I feel like shit” and they be like “Sorry I’m useless”
“I want to die” and they be like “It’s upsetting me, stop”

Lol.
So in the end you just have to say sorry
Apologize for trying to be real with your feelings
Apologize for not being considerate enough to think about them

Fucking crabs

I’m old enough now to not worry about things that aren’t working towards anything good or productive. I missed good conversation but had the chance to enjoy one with an old co-worker of mine. It made the day go by with ease. It wasnt shallow, it wasn’t nasty with negativity…. it was perfect. For once this week, lol.

Other cool things this week were finding some books I read when I was a lot younger. The Hungry Caterpillar, The Paper Princess and Madeline. =] Makes me miss the old days when I’d go to my aunt’s house and go hiking or have a cup […]

I end up here a lot. In this place where my mind races and then slows and either way I feel like I’m not breathing already.

The story of the stars fascinate me. That their light shines on for so long after they themselves have died out. And I’m only wondering if that is because I feel like that too.

My life has had so many tragic lows mixed with all sorts of positive highs. This true explosion of light. Some days I feel the contentment and peace that comes with being surrounded by the blues and purples of the galaxy. Others I think I might explode […]

Hello