OH, MY DEAREST ******,

i hate you beyond comprehension.  i miss you so much.  why do i miss you???  why why why why why, ******??  do you know why??

ever since the abuse i have felt that there is something intrinsically wrong with me.

****** your hands are so cold!!!! pl e ase let go i can’t breathe

****** DID YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU DESPITE IT ALL

DESPITE THE THINGS YOU FORCED ME TO DO???

DID YOU KNOW THAT, ******????

I’M SO SORRY IMSORRYIMSORRYIMSORRY IMSORRY, ******

DESPITE IT ALL I LO VE YOU SO MUC H

I can’t even silently exist near someone without coming off as a ***** (my brother says I have to watch my body language because I can come off as a ***** he didn’t say that exactly but thats essentially what he said). What the hell can I do? I don’t mean too I just try to stay out of the way and make as low of impact wherever I am, and if I speak I’m annoying or at least no one seems to care what I am saying their eyes wander they look at their phone they don’t even register what I am saying I […]

I’m not going to go into what made me decide to go, or all the reasons why I should want to stay (and there is a lot to say about both) but simply want to explain what happened.

I drove for several hours to reach a secluded place with a nice, tall cliff (won’t say where). I then sat on the edge of that cliff for hours and even fell asleep (yes I fell asleep sitting on the edge of a cliff and didn’t fall). The view from the cliff was amazing and it was so quiet. The only sound was the occasional wind whipping around […]

ever since i was young i always planned to end my life at the age of 18. it’s been months since i turned 18 and i’m still alive. i don’t know why. there really isn’t much to live for. things have been lonely for a long time, but maybe it’s better that way. humans as long as they live will always have an emptiness inside them that will never be filled. it’s really strange. one person’s happiness is built on the misfortune of others. i hate people. i hate myself. what right do i have to feel happy? i’m just a piece of shit. i […]

Does anyone know suicide prevention chats that don’t depend on what region you’re in? I go to ones based in USA or UK and they are always like “we are not in your region.”

All of the ones listed in the sidebar on this site are also not in my region.

I feel as though there is something very fundamental that is broken inside me, but I’m not sure what.  Everyone else is completely alien to me, it’s like they’re a different species. I can’t truly feel any connection to anyone, even those that I deeply care for and love still feel alien.  I don’t experience any positive emotions to the extent that others do, if at all. My lows are the only parts of me that I ever feel, and that’s still rare. I am filled with pain and hate, and yet I still feel so numb and empty. I hate so much about myself […]

The last few weeks I’ve kept postponing my suicide day by day, morning by morning, evening by evening; I don’t know why I’m afraid of death so, lately; I’ve destroyed my life on purpose on every possible level to get the courage to do it. Hasn’t worked out great so far. Anyway I tossed a coin today 5 times, heads I’ll do it now, tails tomorrow; 4 out of 5 times it was tails, so tomorrow it is. I’m glad in a way because it gives me the opportunity to say thank you to everyone here, the brave that left us already and all so many […]

The day I met you was my favorite. Now everyday I wish it was also my last.

Reality is often disappointing. I agree with Thanos.
Bad to the bone, a song where I can replace bad with sad so sad to the bone.

I just want someone to be proud of me but who would be proud of nothing

my mother/family effect everything I do sometimes I wish I had no family I mean I have always felt alone and all my family does is make me feel like crap . I cant stand this sad madness in my mind  I cant take it! who am I? am I this monster they say I am? am I really so horrible? I try to be good but all they do is tell me or make me feel like I’m a villain my mother is the worse contender she’s the main reason the rest of my family  think I’m so  terrible she gossips about me to […]

I don’t really know why I try, if I’m honest. Before, I thought maybe my creative work wasn’t too bad – but now I think it’s all horrible, right as I’m about to finish a big project. I keep thinking it’s not good enough to show to anyone despite all my work. I’ve told people about how I’m about to finish it, I can’t just pretend that never happened – but I don’t want them to judge it once they see it. It’s all over the place… A mess of work.

Creative work is really all I have. I can’t stand long enough to get hired […]

I’ve never felt love before.  Not for a single moment in my life.  I don’t regret never having felt it because it is something beyond my control.  Still, I wish I could know what it feels like.

It hurts really

Why cant I just die and get this over with. I’m outta gas and desire to do this anymore. I beg, I hope, that something will happen to end my life. I just hate this anymore…I cant continue on like this.

Everytime i hear this song it shows me of my simple innocent days before i turned into the train wreck that i am today. anytime this plays on the radio while i drive, i smirk at it. Its just an overall feel good song for me, really makes that seritonin kick in. Whats your happy song?

I hate someone that I love. The reason I hate that person is because they made me love them. Stop playing with my life god.

Okay, this makes absolutely no sense…

Life: Stable, well paying job, home, family, toys, time.
Me: Depressed, suicidal, takes negative coping mechanisms back for relief including cutting, getting high, and drinking,  absolutely miserable, can’t focus, hates everything.

Life: Laid off the day after my 11th anniversary, jobless, unemployment screws me because I was given severance and my vacation time was paid out, away from family, no bed to call my own, barely eating because I apparently stay with people who also don’t eat regularly, little to no sleep for several reasons, selling the toys to pay for a move across country, away from everyone and everything I […]

Is life worth living? should i blast myself?

I’ve been here before. Having a really bad day that ends with me in my room crying, while listening to really sad songs (usually followed by a lack of quality sleep after the depressive episode) wondering…”is life worth living? should i blast myself”? 

My day began like any other day, eating a peanut butter sandwich (yes everyday!) because it’s the most easy thing for me to prepare being depressed and mentally exhausted. Watched some YouTube, Netflix and played some music (nothing special).

Then i went to my city mall hoping to find new clothes to buy. While at it i […]