After being abandoned by the guy I was with for a while now, I gained the courage to meet someone who is as introverted as me and knows what it is like to live in pain. Well, I did find someone of that sort, successful with lot of miseries. I met him for the 1st time yesterday. He wanted to tell me 2 important things:

“First, I have colon cancer” my heart sunk the moment I heard those words. I gave him a hug and felt sorry. Then he went on.. “Second, I have someone else living inside my body”. I froze for a few seconds […]

So I honestly think she’s gay, which means this will mean nothing anyway; that’s why I’m even posting, to be honest

theres a girl at my supermarket job that’s I think is kinda cute. She has a short haircut and a tattoo on her arm that makes me think she at bare minimum understands people with depressive illnesses, and she’s very shy. She’s also learning how to play guitar, and is be willing to teach her if I thought I were any good at teaching. I don’t know what type of music she likes and I listen to pretty “out there” stuff; again, I think she […]

Im not okay these days.. its been 3 days..
Too much thing triggering me..
These things.. the reason why Im being like this
Im still walking my days and work as always
But inside I feel not okay.. really not okay
I pretend to be okay and I cant say anything to anyone
Its just I become lazy again and getting pissed off easily
But even if Im geting pissed off.. I dont show it because im too lazy to quarrel about that

Ughh
Ughhhhhh
Ughhhhhhhhh
I need to get back…

its tasteless just to upload a photo without any context, so maybe these stories will suffice.

the year is 1960. my great grandfather forest is a young man who is going about his day unaware of the misfortune that is soon to surround his family. his two bothers are driving in the their car to a destination i cannot say, but they would never be to arrive. the eldest one who is twentyone is driving, his younger seventeen year old brother in the passenger […]

Where did you go? I just hate not knowing if you’re dead or alive. It’s just the worst feeling.. It’s not like I can tell anyone irl about them. That sucks because I could use some reassurance or something. I love you both, one as a good friend, and the other as girlfriend material and that’s no lie. I feel like I’ll never be able to properly connect with people irl, never find love that way. My mind is too much of a mess at this point. It lacks cohesion. Too many random thoughts, and ideas I can’t ever properly express. Nothing helps, not writing […]

Beauty is skin deep!

Which is more sexy?

I’m sorry that I wasted your time. Please don’t tell ***** the truth about me. It’s best she never really knows who I was. Just some crazy ex in photos. She doesn’t need to know any more. I knew someone who’s daughter got old enough to a ask about her father’s brother that killed himself. I don’t want that for her.

Please take care of the cats. I know I never meant anything to you, but I hope they did. At the age they’re at they’ll all be put down in shelters, please don’t let that happen.

Please don’t waste money on a funeral, no one is […]

this is going to be really long and I don’t expect anyone to read I just need to vent or whatever. so I have never been diagnosed with anything, mainly because I am scared to disappoint my parents again after what my sister went through. I can remember I was always happy as a kid, at least my mom says so. it wasn’t until I was 11 I remember feeling so lonely in my group of friends. sad and unmotivated. quit all my activities because of how uninterested I had gotten. then came the distancing from everyone and everything. I think what triggered it was […]

who the fuck says i deserve counseling when i didnt give it my all

i hate everyone in this world, almost every damn human being. yes there are exceptions, perhaps ten percent of the world population. i also have nothing against those who who are born into extreme poverty in places such as africa, or any kind of being who is dominated by their government or by internal conflict and aren’t able to make anything of this life anyways. i wish i could say that i want their lives to improve, but if they were to; then how do i know that that they wont align their ideals against what is universally and morally right.

everyone deserves the right to […]

TL;DR I’m convinced that I have COPD and I don’t want to keep living like this at the expense of my loved ones.

So I am absolutely convinced that I have chronic Bronchitis, even though I’m only 18. I should also mention that I am a male. Skip the next 2 paragraphs if you don’t want to know why I think think this.

My dad, a chronic smoker, died right about a month (september 2017) after I turned 16. I lived with him from 2008-to 2011. During that time, I was constantly exposed to second hand smoke. Although he wasn’t exactly the best parent, his passing still […]

Not suicide related

I should’ve known better.
I didn’t fly halfway around the world to hear my boyfriend ever-so-casually say: ‘I just have no motivation.’
I thought I could change him but nothing has changed much.
If only he had told me he had at least a bit of motivation, that would’ve made me smile.
I feel he’s confident on the outside, but on the inside he’s… too far gone, perhaps. He always has his rich parents to fall back on, anyway.

I really don’t want to break up with him, honestly he’s been so lovely, sweet and caring at least when I’ve seen him for […]

I didnt just fall. I came crashing down like a house of cards. Like a brick being dropped from the 50th floor. He was the only one i was ever my true self around. He brought out the me i had hidden away for years. When i cry hes always right there to wipe the tears away. When im cold hes always right there to warm me up. I couldnt have ask for a better husband. But…..things still dont seem to be right.
I would die away from him. Around him im annoyed. Some of the things he does…..ugh. its so confusing. Reading page […]

uncharted waters
storms raging on
smell of vomit salty fear
holding back nervous laughter
hearts pounding fear
choking back vomit
quiet prayers and tears
holding back nervous laughter
we sway and sway
lucent pierces clouds
calmer and calmer
crystal clear waters
lucents shimmering glow

Hey there you!!

I looked around me but nothing appear to be present

“Hmm??… Who was that?”

Ahaha!!! The voice cackling, “im right here!”

the voice got close

I jumped back!! Goosebumps ran all the way up my body.

Whoosh.. the wind blew aways the leaves. It was pitch dark at night 1 o’clock after midnight. I was confused?

Who are you?.. a typical mindset of a 8 year old. I was a type of kid who didn’t believe in anything Until it happens before my eyes

The voice sneer in disdain. “Have you heard of life and death?” 

My body shudder then went limped for a whole 10 seconds.

Life […]

Everything I try doesn’t give me any meaningful happiness.

A friend gave me a wrist band that said “do what makes you happy.”

All I want to do is die.

how selfish would it really be to take my life? i mean in all honesty i’d be dead. yeah thinking about how “hurt” my family would be sucks but if i’m not here to see it i guess it wouldn’t really matter. lately i’ve seen how much my parents don’t love me. at least they don’t show it. they constantly try to degrade me. making me feel worthless. school has also been really fucking stressful. life all together. i think it’s better if i just wasn’t breathing any more.

“See you in a few hours, Curtis.”

(pause, deep deep struggling breath) “Ok.” (Faint as a whisper.)

Yeah. What real problems do I have?  Not that many. Seriously, dude, not that many. Wanna go for a walk? Wanna go to the store? Wanna. . . wanna. . . want to. . . Do you want to. . . What do you want? Most of it is readily and easily accessible, and here, where we are, that’s all that really matters.

You lucky s.o.b.

Count ’em up. You’re buried in blessings, my man.

Zzyzx. What the hell? I mean, who names a street this?

that’s my sole purpose of going to work everyday 🙂

Just when I think that things cant get any worse in my life, they do.
People keep getting in my way of my happiness.
The people I called “friends” backstab me, talk about me behind my back, and turn on me like they’ve never cared in the first place..
People hate me for things I don’t even do wrong.
I’m so lost inside myself, and my life..
I was clean for about 8 months, before I fell so far into the darkness and couldn’t handle it anymore that I managed to slip my way back into cutting again.. It’s not something I’m proud of, but […]