I feel so empty. My anger and depression is making it hard to distinguish reality from fantasy. I hate myself so much that it feels like a nightmare I’m living in. Like I’ve imagined this entire world in my head. It gets worse every day and I lose touch of reality as I keep living. No one understands it. I find no happiness or pleasure from anything or anyone. It’s just anger that lives inside me. People grow and move past it but I can’t. And in some ways I won’t allow myself to. I love the anger. I love the depression. I want to […]

when you’ve given up is there anything worth it. i cant cope with this. i want it over.

How do you make noises that express complex, coherent ideas and thoughts again?

Wait, how do you put together complex, coherent ideas or thoughts to communicate in the first place?

And how the hell do you do it all in a way that makes any kind of a sense of a response to someone else’s noises?

And why do I keep drawing. I don’t like drawing. I like cooking and baking, not drawing.

But I’m not cooking. I’m drawing.

Maybe I should draw food. Then eat the food drawings.

Like always, life just gives you false hope.

it makes you believe, that it will get better.

That everything will be okey.

Just to make you stay alive, even for one more day.

So you can just suffer more when reality hits you.

Then, the illusion of a false hope will fade.

Then reality will kill you inside.

Now I know, I know that I can’t trust hope.

It is just to make sure you stay alive so you can suffer more.

I will not fall for it again.

I am TIRED of falling for it.

I am TIRED of everything.

Nothing will get better.

Nothing will change.

The only thing that will change.

Is my existence.

a gap in-between the sky and land

a gap in-between you and i

a gap, as i gaze into my past as my past selves looks back to my past selves as it continues.

a gap in my head, memories flipping through, a gap in-between myself from time to times.

a shining light leading onto the place where i once saw as home.

a gap in-between my finger tips and yours.

a gap in my stomach.

a gap when i try to open my mouth.

a cell.

a gap in-between bars they call love.

looking for a gap in-between my neck.

There is an inconsistency between what’s in my head and what’s actually there. I believe the root of my sadness comes from the realization that there is this disconnect between the two and that I don’t know how to cope with it. I believe my primary motivation drives me to these nonsense delusions. The fear of not amounting to anything and the fear of being alone. I’m so wrapped up in the little idiosyncrasies within my head that I don’t really see what’s there and when it finally becomes apparent to me, I can’t help but feel let down. The […]

whats the point in living and doing any of this

Does anyone else place significance on certain numbers and/or dates? For example, is there a day of the month where you consistently experience bad luck? For me, I always seem to have my absolute worst days on days that end with ‘9’ including today. Auto accidents, traffic tickets, rejections from women, bad days at work, fights with people I normally get along with, mental breakdowns, etc.

I will miss my dog, my faithful and constant companion who only ever gave me cold wet nose kisses and unconditional love and comfort and never asked or expected anything in return except for belly rubs and playing fetch (and food and walks). I will miss music, and art, and creative energy, and the power of performance: the amazing and beautiful things people are capable of accomplishing when they can put their minds to it. I will miss food — anticipating it, preparing it, enjoying the tastes and delicious smells of it. I will miss films and television, from the artsy farts to the campy […]

I hope the higher power who sent me here can hear me. If not, then the universe will. I gladly told them to fuck off. Yes, and it felt good. I just don’t want to be here man. Already thwarted on my first suicide attempt and now I’m in my head is just torture. The depression is getting worse. It happens little by little then one day you just cant feel anymore. I’m going to hurt people if I cannot make my way out of this shit hole without inter-fucking-ference. Please kill me…

I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be able to have permanent good lasting relationships with people during this lifetime as a human. I also am doubting whether I will ever have sex with a woman. I have kissed/been kissed by two, so reckon that’s possible/might happen if I try hard enough and reach out to someone in just enough of a good way to cut it at the right time but idk/doubt my ability to have things keep happening/working because of how few relationships I’ve ever had with women. My longest/only that was called a significant other relationship by both parties lasted 2 […]

i remember the exact moment i first heard this song and it hit me like a mack truck. i just couldnt do it anymore.
you were with your friends and i was…..off with someone else. i was sitting at the picnic table just on the edge of the group. everything was…fine. i was playing with his phone and going through his music. the only thought that went through my head was “oh a song by 3dg i havent heard” i apparently didnt think about the title itself long enough. so i clicked it. within seconds my heart sunk. that was years ago now and […]

I am at my lowest point.I’m only here for one request. If there is a higher power, please. End my suffering.

I don’t like to talk a lot. In school or out. I have 3 friends because I pushed everyone away and now I don’t know how to talk to people. My parents are so focused on me not smoking that they turned the house into hell. I feel like i’m constantly under attack. When I walk home I get scared to talk to my family. I can’t tell if i’m happy or sad or scared or angry but I know i’m breaking someway. I so bored with my life that I want to kill myself just to have something to do. I can’t focus […]

Down to the depths we go

Into the dark below

Will we find what we’re looking for?

Yes, if we’re looking for a stubbed toe

ow, my toe

This was not what we were supposed to be doing hmmm

May 15, 12:44AM

it’s a school night, i was supposed to sleep early to work on my important project, but something happened. i took 7 tablets of (?), i don’t know why i took them, shoved them down my throat and casually went to bed, after 10 minutes i felt this terrible pain in my stomach and my eyes were about to burst “it’s nothing” i said, and tried to sleep, but it only got worse so i decided to ask for help. searched the tablets name on google, “the lethal dosage could be as low as 4 tablets for a grown-up” “Do not […]

i hate when people scream and laugh and yell w their face all red.

they’re so loud???how is it possible for them to be that unaware??’

Hello guys. Im still here. Nothing has changed except Im 20 years old now. I feel like the exact same person that I was when I first posted here about 2 years ago. Im still depressed the same. Every day sucks. I do nothing valuable. Im just getting high and wasting time. I study physics at the best university in this country. I hated highschool and this is what I always wanted.. The school is so interesting but even then I cant force myself to learn at home…

Often I just lay or sit down and the memories of all the times that I did […]

I swear I had all the preparations done. Everything was in place. The method, the suicide letters to my family and friend, the timing.

Out of the blue I receive a message from the other side of the world. A 30-minute conversation has thrown my suicidal ideations out of the realm of “must” and into the chaotic reality of “should” and “can”.

I thought I had found my way out of the wilderness into the dark. Suddenly there’s a light. An unavoidable brightness lighting the path of a monster (me) that was blind to all else for too long.

Am I imagining this? Is my mind/body fighting so […]