Back to 10. Not that it matters.

More carrots. All carrots. That girl I mentioned that finally matched with me has been jerking me around. Just like she used to do. I don’t want another one of her. I can’t do it again. It took me forever to finally unstick her from my head. I refuse to have this new one become something similar. I’m hoping this doesn’t become a pattern. If it does end up being that way, I just got to cut my losses and bail. Figures I’d find another person who couldn’t […]

I hate living, every part of it. Every time I feel like I have a glimmer of hope, I work towards it, I behave my best, I hold back every negative emotion, I please others sacrifice my own comfort and dignity and pride, but it always comes crashing back down on me as if it never existed, as if I was completely wrong, like I deserved it, like hell was destined for me on this earth.

I keep wandering around, trying to do stuff that will help me, that will keep me going or even something that would be of help to future […]

I constantly get told to “stop thinking so much.”

1- it’s not something I can control
2- why should we NOT think?

The happiest ppl are the ones who don’t think too much, think too deeply, or are plagued by things that “don’t concern them.” (ie poverty, discrimination, injustice, wars in the Middle East, murders, deaths, etc).

And I know many of these ppl. These ppl just couldn’t give two shits about anyone or anything other than themselves. Selfish ppl. That’s MOST Americans.

What is one to do? I can’t join the Sheeple, pretending everything is fine or pretending things going on in […]

We’re constantly told that “life isn’t fair” and to just shrug it off. But that’s ALWAYS said by ppl who grew up in avg or advantaged households.

Why SHOULDN’T life be fair? Why should we just blindly accept the “life isn’t fair” bs?

Go to Scandinavian countries. They are white, prosperous, have higher standards of living, and the discrepancy between poor, middle class, and wealthy is NOT a giant chasm as it is in the US.

Sure there are rich and poor, but it’s WAY more equitable and fair there. The avg person there lives happier and have more money than ppl here. If it […]

I’ve been waking up to a reality I dont want any part of. Over and over and over, the same shit, no escape. All I do is cry. So, Im gonna take this a little more seriously and build myself a kit. One of those kits. And when Im ready to go, Ill go.

And btw, fuck what you might think about it.

Is it not better to be one of the sheeple? One of the happy ppl who aren’t plagued by depression, by thoughts of things like meaning, purpose, existence, etc?

The avg person is content to only think about themselves, their family, and God for those religious. They are happily plodding along to the mainstream narrative of being 1 in 8 billion worker ants.

Wake up, work for our corporate overlords, go home, use what little “free time” to watch mindless shows or be on social media. rinse and repeat.

They don’t question, they don’t have existential crises, they just follow. They are happy being mediocre, […]

Life has whatever meaning (or lack thereof) that you assign to it. Everyone has a different view- many believe their purpose in life is to have children, serve God, or simply to indulge in life’s pleasures and enjoy it.

What is yours? If you have none, what have you decided to assign as the meaning or purpose in your life? If still nothing, what are you going to do about it?

I had a good friend, and you can maybe guess by the way I referred to him in past tense that he’s dead but I’ll get to that in a minute.

We were both in the same line of work and we each admired the fuck out of each other. He was better by far, but I’m a batshit perfectionist so that makes up for my deficiencies and we were both equals in that sense. The big difference is that he loved life and it showed in everything he did whereas all my life I’ve battled with nonstop compulsions to jump out a fucking window. So […]

Have people actually gotten long term benefits from self help books?

I feel like self help books ALL pretty much have the same spiel- think happy, be positive, say nice things to yourself, have the right mindset, etc etc.

I also feel like most ppl get short term benefits- they feel good and motivated at first, but in the long term, nothing changes. Ppl go back to the way they were before, even if it was a “really good book” or a “really motivating seminar.”

I mean, has anyone here really had a life- changing self-help book or seminar or video? That actually changed your […]

We get told ALL the time that it’s our mindset, our outlook, what we believe and what we tell ourselves that creates happiness and better lives for ourselves.

Is that really true?

I mean it’s having a “positive mindset” PLUS action I assume they all mean.

Ppl who just tell themselves they are awesome or tell themselves good things while looking at the mirror (what all those self help books tell us to do) – doesn’t work.

Fake words don’t do shit to help us feel better about ourselves and overcome depression.

But- I did once have confidence in myself. I had determination and […]

So i got reset back to double digits. Like I said in my last post, I view this as a somewhat positive thing. But it does sting knowing my sentence is extended. I’m still going to keep track of the original date. Just because I want to. It doesn’t change anything keeping this time limit and it’s not like I’m going to do anything about it. I just want to.

Spent most of the day with my family. My uncle who I go to often for advice was in town. Don’t think I’ve seen him in […]

I don’t want to die but I want this pain to end so bad. I’m so sick of constantly being berated by my untreated BPD mother and told I’m heartless and unlovable because I avoid her so I don’t have to deal with her constant mood swings and bullying. I’m sick of the only texts I get being from her sending me passive-aggressive Facebook reels or multi-paragraph texts telling me how much she wishes she never had me and that she had a different child. I’m sick of the constant loneliness and having no one to turn to. I’m sick of feeling so different from […]

Here is my long & deep chat with AI (Deepseek) about cosmic nihilism & existential suicide (unfortunately, I can only post it here in this website ‘secretly in hidden/private’… ) :

https://chat.deepseek.com/share/nomm5nqftpki0dewom

its never a dream

I’ve been away from the computer for awhile, and thus away from you guys for awhile. My excuses aren’t good, I’m not doing anything great or exciting. I almost got caught up on Criminal Minds. The new seasons are meh. It’s true, they don’t write shows like they used to. Or maybe the show lacks a certain Matthew Grey Gubler and it really did tank when he left. It also did better when it was episodic.

Okay, sidebar into narrative commentary; when you make a show like that the formula really matters a lot. Criminal Minds was about unsubs who were twisted minds and diving into […]

i’m 23, almost 24. i tried to kill myself last year and since then nothing’s gotten any better. i think it’s probably gotten worse, though i cry less often. i live alone in a new country now, and i haven’t made friends since i moved here. i’ve drifted away from everyone — i’m like an astronaut with a broken tether, floating through space. i can’t push myself to achieve anything, i don’t care about my goals. i don’t know what i’m waiting for. i don’t expect anything from my future and i’m not a good person. i never want to leave the house or speak […]

We’ve all heard it a million times from everyone: “you have to forgive the people who hurt you / tormented you / abused you, etc.”

But this video says based on Carl Jungs philosophy, that that’s not good. First time I’ve ever heard a different narrative than the usual “you must forgive your perpetrators” spiel.

What do you think?

(16min)

People always say that what you see and read online in the comments, tweets or posts are not representative of people- or of the average person.

I disagree with that. What we see online IS representative of what people truly think and feel. Bc they are behind a screen and keyboard, people are freer to say what really is in their minds rather than hiding it, bc in person they would get punched in the face for saying such horrible and heinous things. But online, they can without much repercussions.

Society, especially American society, is where we are today precisely BECAUSE we’ve ignored […]

The carrot and the stick. It’s a metaphor about how to handle someone. The stick is discipline and force. The carrot is rewards and persuasion. The universe or God or whatever threw me a couple of carrots.

After I stopped talking to those two girls on hinge in February and that disastrous mixer and board game group, I actually got a match. A pretty good match. She’s kinda cute. Likes the same things I like. I got her to match with my by asking her about which format of MtG she plays. She only has […]

Whatcha been up to? Haven’t seen you on SP much lately.

Easter:
I recently found out (via a game) that Easter in Norway is ALL about reading or watching crime stories.
Påskekrim (Easter Crime): A unique, national obsession where TV, books, and even milk cartons feature crime mysteries.
This sounds like your kind of holiday lol

13 Tzameti:
I just watched this 2005 French film last night. Think you’d like it. Won tons of international awards. It’s not your typical dumbass American movie.