You always ask me
Question me
An answer unappealing
You ask again
Again
Again
Tell me
Since when do shackles ask
“Why are you bound?”
When do the devils ask
“Why are you bad?”
Since when
Could you ask your pot
“Why are you like this?”

I saw my stepdad and now I’m slowly recovering from a massive panic attack. My chest hurts my gut is upside down. As much as I hate change I should move far away so I never have to see anyone ever again.

I feel so awful – in myself. And it’s not that I don’t deserve to. I’m a truly shitty person. But there’s no way out from under it.

There are things I can do to be less shitty. In some ways I’m significantly better than I used to be (though in others I’m possibly worse.) But no matter what I do, I can’t get back to neutral. To the position where I can look others in the eye again. I could cure cancer, and I’d still be scum. If anything, the feeling gets worse the harder I try – the more I have to interact with […]

That pipe, oh so short
How I sat next to it
So bright, as if it would’ve lasted centuries
So bright, I believed it was longer
Might’ve run the galaxies and back
It only lasted three months
Each time I returned,
It thinned a little more
Dimmed a little more
It cracked a little more
Until nothing was left
This one too, huh?
I placed it too high
Thought it too long
Thought it too sturdy
There is never
Anything
Sturdy Enough
Not even
The shoes I run the galaxies with

Nice try though. Better luck next time. Lol.
At least I still have SP.

I have no more energy left in me.

I’m craving for the long sleep. Longing for not having to wake up in the morning.

I want to be forgotten. But even more to forget. Forget everything. The die was cast. I lost. It sucks but it’s okay. Rules are rules. No regrets, no remorse. No one is to blame. It’s  no one’s fault. I don’t have to like it but I can take it. Not lamenting or whining. No complaints. I’m aware other have had it much much worse.

But having to stay here. Having to see my failure everyday in the mirror. Having to face my inaptitude […]

Seriously, what’s up with all the writing off of and denying of people their suffering in modern society with asinine platitudes, etc;?

Why everyone says things like “But it made you stronger”?

If you were a child you didn’t need to be stronger. You needed to be safe.

I wish these assholes would wake up and smell the coffee…

I wonder if there’s a relatively new source to all this quasi-positivistic crap, from within the last century and a half or so.  I think someone posted on here about Freud’s nephew introducing the concept of creating a consumer society to corporations and the […]

Ain’t no love in the heart of the city
Ain’t no love in the heart of town

Make peace, not war with yourself

I thought as I held my white balloons, I had someone to love.
that I could heal, breathe, live

smile.
but the winds sweep and change plans,

the chessboard makes an ass of us all.
I realized I never had to walk alone,

but I thought i needed someone to walk with me.
I realized self sacrifice was already done

in the name of true piety.
I thought it would hurt when I made

the ascent,

the wind blows the cigarette smoke away from […]

I’m not “looking forward” to dying, but I have to admit not participating in this thing we call life will be nice. Humanity is such a mess. Just a big screwed up mess, intent on and ONLY CAPABLE of making things more complicated, more insane.

Why we’re here is anyone’s guess. Perhaps simply to eradicate ourselves through greed and discord. Maybe we’re just an experiment.  We failed.  Enough already.

Self-discovery. Isn’t that what It’s called.

To find oneself within all the other selves. What if it takes loosing all sensible reason before you realize you are just one part of the whole. Not the whole person.

What if it’s this acceptance that brings final resolution? My resolution.

How can I admit this on a forum? That I’m a phony. But I’m not…just only a part of the truth.

We can beat depression, emptiness, anxiety and suicidal feelings. I have done it! No, we don’t have to build some different personalities or be like the so called ‘normal people’. We just need to enjoy ourselves. Find some meaning in our lives. Connect with others. Find spirituality. Get to know a good religion which is suitable for our growth. Invest in our health and well being.  (eat more healthy, get herbal remedies, visit a health store, exercise if you can). Do something good for others even when we don’t feel it, like some good gesture, give a little money to someone poorer than us or […]

I like my avatar but I’ve noticed they are all kind of random. Can you choose your own avatar? And who makes these dope avatars? These and many more questions to be answered by hopefully the admins if those mythical beasts even exist.

all my emotions have been bottled up tight for so long
even if it’s just a sentence atleast I got it out of me

It’s been a while since I posted one of these.

This isn’t going to be one of these “woe is me” posts. I think I’m over posting those. Not because I feel much better, but because it just feels kinda immature and I don’t want to bother people with my problems anymore.

I’m posting this in an effort to get an answer to my questions.

Lately, I’ve started giving to charities. Nowadays, with me barely able to build up the courage to leave the house, giving money and support from a distance is really all I’m capable of doing. People need support anyway they can get after all. […]

I just dont want to

Just because you can speak endlessly forever about anything, doesn’t make the talk any less cheap. You are nothing but abusive and feigning support, but pitching all these false messages, fairy tales, and hokey pokey consolations. Stop making things worse than they ought to be. It seems there is no intelligent piece in my puzzle. We can’t be having this morbidity. Your problem is you and that’s your problem, ain’t nobody else’s problem, when you’re the problem. So you always gotta make it a problem. Ain’t nobody’s problem but your own. I don’t want to get no problems. I don’t want no problems for you […]

Why so blue?
My ambrosia
I wish you knew
I wish you understood
The fires inside
Burning my skin
Burning my mind
Burning my heart
Making me blind
If you know
If you understand
Pick at my petals
This flower’s wilting anyway

I am not an openly emotional person, I cry very rarely, but tears nearly broke the surface when I found out yesterday: I’m losing another friend, they’re moving away.
I get that we can still be friends but I’m a realist, every friend I’ve ever had is gone, lost touch, haven’t seen each other in years, and don’t even talk; friendships reduced to Facebook posts.
I know that’s where this is going and it breaks my heart. This is my only friend really, I’m not good at connecting with people and it took me 3 years to just find this one friend.
So now I’m […]