I’ve been levitating. I’ve been in a strange wind current that my mind can’t stop. I’ve been not thinking, but feeling worst. I’ve been levitating. On music, on songs, on people, and on love. I’ve been levitating and just waiting to fall. Just wanting to finally fall.

There’s always a favourite. It could be argued with complete conviction that every guy has his favourite girl and every girl has her favourite guy. As of late I have had to go grocery shopping on an almost daily basis. During these hellish excursions I found my eyes wandering to a beauty who was always around when I just happemed to be walking by. To my delight I had noticed she could not tear her gaze from mine. Hitherto the oppurtunity to converse with her had not presented itself, that is until today.

One thing I would fear would being an old geriatric in a wheelchair […]

In 2015 I lost my father to suicide.

My life was irreparably damaged because of his decision, and to this day the pain he left lives on in my own heart and fuels my own Depression daily. The lives of my family were changed forever.

No matter what you think, what you believe, what you may see as evidence to fuel your decision, you will be missed. You will hurt others. You will make a void in the hearts of those around you. Your absence will be noticed. And mourned.

I live with C-PTSD and can barely work because of constant […]

Ope! I knew my time here left amongst the living was finite but I didn’t know it’d get this much more agonizing this quickly! You know the familiar beats of how this progresses by now. The thoughts are worse! my brain is less inhabitable than ever! there is less ‘good’ (and by good I mean ‘vaguely distracting’) left in the ‘wow, you call laying motionless and eating once every three days and doing absolutely nothing and talking to completely nobody because of the unbelieving excruciating trauma your brain puts you through all of the time a life?’ that I live!

So what am I to do! […]

I’m so desperately lonely. I want to know the feeling of being held again. I want this bullshit in my head to fucking stop. I just want to know someone doesnt find me fucking annoying, apparently, because everyone around me acts like I’m the most annoying inconvenient person to be around. Even if its supposedly a “joke” like my stepdad saying that yes I am annoying over and over again and I kept apologizing but he wouldnt stop… And I know it’s a god damn joke to him because he takes nothing seriously it seems, which is another thing entirely. Maybe its projecting because I really am […]

I’ve thought of something truly awful, probably my worst idea ever, some really evil actions that would feel amazing to execute.

but they’re all bad ideas. Why? because I had them. I’m wrong, I wake up in the morning wrong before I even thought, because I thought, how dare I?! I tell you I’ve got a lot of nerve, with all this thinking.

To be fair, it’s entrapment, I was told to think. All my training led me to believe that solving problems was a way to decreasse suffering. So even in my awful ideas, I’m trying to decrease pain, if not mine, someone’s.

I feel so inept, […]

A shotgun to the head does not make people feel your pain.
It does not matter how long it takes you to make the decision. Because once you do it, it just happens. There is no God coming to save you. No spiritual battle waging in your favor. You pull the trigger, and BANG, you’re face is reduced to a flappy, bloody, hollow melon, with your bug eyes popping out of your cheekbones and your limp body sagging down lifeless in your seat.
God allows this because God is the devil. He doesn’t love you or care about you; you aren’t special. And […]

I feel like I give too much of myself to this world. I hope too much. Love too much. Am too much.

I can’t be what I want to be. I can’t live the life I want to live. So I want nothing. I want not to want anymore. I want there to be someone worthwhile in the space I’m occupying, putting it to good use. But that’s not something I can control.

I don’t want to devastate my family. I don’t want that pain for them. So I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to not exist anymore. Or to never have been. Or really, to have been someone different. But that’s not something I can control.

In order to not die, I have to live. […]

The feeling always lingers in the back of my mind… I cant remember a time where it’s been gone completely, even for just a moment. A dark and cold feeling. It’s hard to talk about because I’m not good at explaining it, and I dont want to bother anybody… but I cant just… let it sit, I guess, for very long. Fear, pain, a sort of bitterness, a horrible burdensome feeling. I have fantasies that killing myself will actually help the world somehow. Like a brutal sort of death I put myself through. I think about that pretty often actually. A sort of sacrifice I […]

is the biggest joke. That’s like saying drinking salty sea water will keep you hydrated.

We don’t even have democracy in our own country- haven’t had it since the 1980s. And yet we are “spreading democracy” around the globe, or at least that’s the lie told to Americans and most Americans believe it!! When in reality, what the US is doing is destabilizing countries around the world to steal their natural resources.

Anyhow, going back to American soil- America hasn’t had real democracy since 1980- our government has been completely bought and rigged by the oligarchy for a LONG time now.

This is […]

-Daily irritation in general due to my own situation.
-General reminders that loved ones and others have been through a lot of crap and that I’ve lived the good life in comparison, a lot of do better, you’re smarter than this talk.
-Me KNOWING and UNDERSTANDING ALL OF THIS, but at this point knowing that explaining myself or trying to tell anyone what goes on in my head is pointless and gets me nowhere except having people I care for angry at me for whatever the case is.
-Me wanting to get myself out of the situation, to stop burdening the few people who do […]

I feel like everybody is moving forward but me. people around me are doing things with their lives, maybe not the best things but at least they aren’t stuck like me. it’s like life is a road and everyone is going ahead and then there is me who is just standing still. even if I want to move forward I can’t because it feels like my feet are glued to the ground, stopping me.

I don’t have that many people in my life and that’s ok for an introvert because the people i had were real and true and honest. but now all of them have […]

There hearts will race with the drawing of the tide.
Nothing will come to save them.
Humans are cannibals, consuming one another.
A broken melody, falling from the mouth of Church.
How they would roil if they knew the pain done unto me.
A knife cuts through warm flesh, and a dog grows fat. Some dogs get murdered, and some dogs get fat.
Jesus climbed the mountain, and a prophet looked to the hills, but where are the mountains, and where are the hills?
In your mind! Close your eyes and pray, they say.
Pray into the silence. Look […]

(context: i am incredibly mentally ill and my brain swarms with thoughts that arent mine and are actively cognicidal to perceive and its pretty dope tbh)

So, it’s kind of just horrific! idk! There’s only so many ways I can describe it. My brain: isn’t mine! The thoughts: only get worse! What, will comparing my situation to Harlan Ellison make it any better? Will it really? Probably not! And just… Idk.

I don’t have a single reason to be alive; I actively do not want to! It is a putrefying thought to be alive, it’s anathemic to every single piece of myself that it can be, it’s […]

WHY in fucking September is it still 94 fucking degrees? For the past 4 fucking months, it’s been blisteringly hot and humid and disgusting. Sweat dripping literally 10s after you step outside.

THEN in a week, it goes from hot, sweltering summer 90s weather, to suddenly being cold, so cold that you now need a fucking jacket during the morning and nights. A week ago you sweated through your tank top and shorts!

And HOW is it possible for it to be both HUMID and COLD? WTF?
The temperature has dropped significantly during the morning and night, and it’s quite chilly now, but […]

Why is it that some ppl have to suffer so much while others have it made, without having done anything to deserve it? Some ppl win the birth lotto- 99% of your life is determined by who you’re born to and where. Who your parents are and how much wealth they have (or not) 100% determines your fate. If you were born in Africa, you’d be screwed (yes i know, not all parts of Africa are bad off). If your parents were selfish assholes and never treated you well since a baby, well, you’re in for a lifetime of mental issues/depression/trauma, […]

I’m ready. I’m really ready this time. No more isolation. No more rejection. And all the false hopes that something will change, that anybody cares at all about what’s happened. Nobody really knows me anymore.

Rumination and isolation… It steals so much time. It’s so painful, building these safety nets in my mind. They just turn to ashes. I don’t want to move on, either. “Heal” or “let go” I can’t. That’s not who I am.

I wish I could get high right before I do it. God doesn’t exist, but swimming in my own imagination…bliss. My vivid and beautiful imagination…Maybe.

Cool and lonely echo chamber, this place. […]

There is no meaning of life. We just exist, and die. And life goes on, and on, and on. For million, billion of years, etc etc etc.

We are just a speck of dust in the vast universe, in the grand scheme of things.

Of course, 90% (or 99%?) of people (human beings) will always try to find or give ‘meaning/purpose’ in their own insignificant lives, because the reason is simple: it’s survival instinct. Human beings (people) will (usually) try to keep living, keep surviving, no matter what. It’s evolutionary. It’s in human nature.
Even if it means people (humans) will create anything as their toxic positivity […]