I feel not great about living. I kinda fucked up with my partner. Because I was openly expressing my emotional state of “I want to die.” And like I’m like deathly terrified that they’re going to leave, even if it’s unreasonable. My own past life mental health stuff has been fucking with me for awhile now. And my partner is taking time away from social stuff because he doesn’t feel social. And it’s low key eating me up inside cause of a lot of things. And I’ve no bloody idea what to do. At all. So yeah that’s fun. Not really but y’know.

It seems like the way the world is going, it would be good to have my exit plan to hand, even if I don’t use it straight away. Then, if someone somewhere decides that nuclear war would actually be a grand idea, I can peace out before things get truly gnarly. I have no desire to try and survive through a  nuclear holocaust.

I’m pretty sure I have enough money to obtain my preferred substance, but it would take a lot of work to track down a reliable seller, and I’m hopelessly naïve with that kind of shit. I’m also worried about attracting the attention of […]

Many of you may not be old enough to remember a time before Internet. I am sadly one of those old bastards that can remember what life was like before the dawn of the internet promising to write checks its ass couldn’t cash.
Brought about with it’s promises to simplify and make our lives easier. Promises and hopes of being more connected with friends and family.

Promises that were a load of shit. While I don’t know that I would necessarily want to go back to pre-internet and smart phone days, I can’t deny life was sweeter. And yes, it could just be my perception.

Social Media […]

Dont fucking ever throw away your future for other people. Even if theyre making it out like they can’t fucking do it without you and will fucking crash their fucking car or hang themselves no matter how much fear and anxiety they make you feel over it it’s not fuckign worth it and they will probably be just fucking fine without you anyway if you need to do your own fucking thing have your own space and save your own future. That and blood means fucking nothing are the two bits of fucking wisdomit’s learned here, even if it was way too fucking late. Take […]

don’t have id fuck you no work for you not even the fucking shady shit you used to be able to do either now but also fuck you for not working even though you fucking keep looking for some way to work and keep getting fucked over because you can’t fcuking produce all the fucking paper and crap this goddamn governemnt wants you to just to prove youre a fucking real person because that fucking proof was taken from you the better part of a fucking decade ago now along with everything else while you were being a spineless fucking toy FUCK YOU WORTHLESS SUBHUMAN […]

Tw: mentions of SA, ODing, etc.

Well. It’s been quite the fucking year. And gods do I hate myself. I’m going to start it off with the main thing. When I was 18 1/2 or so I started dating this 40 year old piece of trash. And my mother knew that he was practically a pedophile. Like a step away from crossing the line. He’s currently out of jail and shit. But I just feel absolutely fucking disgusted with myself. And my mother didn’t say shit, in fact she was jealous over the entire thing. Fucking jealous. And then not long after I learned what happened with […]

I wonder what it’s like to have a normal relationship with food, to not have your every waking thought be about food. I went to the doctor to change my antidepressant and I had went from 170 to 191 in two months, and I wasn’t even taking the antidepressant so that’s not to blame I’ve always been like this. I don’t do normal teen things, I don’t go out much, I don’t talk to boys, I don’t even go to school anymore and it all comes down to my weight. It’s always I’ll eat what I want today and starve tomorrow but it’s like tomorrow […]

You abused the fuck out of me and didn’t even care. You deserve death. I was a minor. Goodbye forever. Yours truly your son. I’m not committing suicide. I however will never love and care about you ever again.

When I was around 12 I made my biggest attempt , life was so awful and nasty ,

had to move to Kiyv because of my father’s work , it was pretty cool but i was very far from my family who stayed in Novoboriisk , ofc i had to change school but i had 1 friend in there : Nykola .

I was in a bad mood since several days already , moving made it worse !

September 1st came really quickly , i wasn’t very happy bc Nykola wasn’t in my class ;-;

I started cutting myself two weeks after and i completly stopped eating other thing […]

To live, to suffer, to pray for it all to end.

To live some pathetic lie, that everythings fine. When in the end you will die. Everyone will die.

To endure, only to break.  A neverending hurt, with everything, and nothing at stake.

There is only one escape now. To leave, never come back. Leave this hell called the world, fading into black.

To end, just to end it all.

-sorry, ik this sucks lol. I’ll blame my sleep deprivation rather than my shitty writing skills. I’m not okay.

I refrained from posting last night, because I thought I had a therapy appointment today…. and I did, it just was occupied entirely by treatment plan review. How this works is that I spend about half an hour entering answers to the same psychological screeners I’ve been doing for 15 years, then spend my entire therapy session talking about my answers.

Which means that today, my first therapy appointment in a month, was spent entirely doing the state’s business.

I gripe about it, though I know that paperwork is why I get free drugs and therapy…. I guess I’m saying that if someone is known to be […]

I’ve made the following public given a post being removed from Doxbin without an actual Doxx and just the link. To prevent further distribution of said media we recommend keeping the track up. Thank you! My abuse matters and my story does too.

#SoundCloud

Edit: Out next target is P2P networks

I’m 32 years old, living with my mother and her mom. My life is hell.

Someone close to someone I love died and I can’t help but feel jealous of them. I wish it was me. Why couldn’t it be me? I don’t understand. I don’t want to live and I want death and it seemed like everyone around me is closer to death than I’ll ever be. I know it’s a stupid feeling but whenever I remember what it takes to hold on and be alive, I honestly don’t want to go through it.

All these happiness is not worth the extreme pain I feel about merely existing. Being a human sucks and we’re only going to keep living […]

I made a post where i talk about THE truth about what Sheena said so :

Sheena is a 2003 who was in my big sister’s school when she was around 8 ,

Niela wasn’t very cool with Sheena and her friends BUT she didn’t harmed them

We moved days before my birth and Niela didn’t keep in eyes Sheena and all of her friends.

Nearly 2010 , my big sister opened a blog about Tokio Hotel with my mother : Mary-Ann

They loved thotel so much !

Sheena too , unfortunately for Niela ,

Sheena started scolded my sister , telling her she was awful for leaving her and “their ” […]

Hello ,

I’m really really angry that people think Sheena tells the truth ,

In fact Sheena is still alive and she’s on her way to celebrate her 19 birthday ,

Bridget didn’t log into Sheena’s account and Chiara doesn’t exist as Niela .

BUT

Niela was MY big sister and she killed herself on the fifth of december 2012 at only 16 years old .

The band is not real too , only the story with that one girl is real ,

That one girl Sheena told you is Renata Kambolina , known as Rina Palenkova and me and my family ALWAYS knew that ,

” Misha ” does exist but his […]

I can do this on my own. I believe in myself. It won’t be easy and I understand that. That’s what it means to break through the wall. It hurts along the way but it’s supposed to. Life isn’t easy. And through this, I’ll start discovering more of who I am… how strong I can be, and when the wave of emotions come where I feel like it’s too overwhelming, I’ll learn how to handle it better. How to manage. My family’s coming closer in the spirit, reaching out more and more, and I feel less isolated.

Everything’s going to be okay. I can do this.

I […]

Hear your situation/ story and come to the same conclusion, a conclusion at variance with your own conclusion then you’re in trouble.The whole world can’t be wrong and you’re right, never in human history has that happened. Certain problems in my own life that I had to get objective opinions about I always noticed that what I heard back was pretty much identical, it might have been couched in different language depending upon the level of education of whomever I was talking to but the central conclusion was the same. This flipped the problem right back on to me and the fact my thinking had […]

In your eyes
My neon solstice

And will you take me as I am

I’m both the savior and the damned

In your eyes

Did you really think that innocence would last forever?

Girlfriends and flashing lights

You’ll never be alone

And it’s burning up downtown

But by the time we show, there’ll be nobody around

So I’m just hoping for some consolation

In a fading constellation

That hangs in your soft laughter

And sometimes when I’m layin’ here at night

I remember the same laughter of a girl I knew

when we were young

We’d count out all the summer stars

Laying on the back porch swing in the dark

And oh the way she grew to be an angry woman

We […]

I have struggled with depression my entire life. I’ve attempted suicide seriously twice. The last was in November of 2019. I took 6 grams of amitriptyline and ended up in ICU for 4 days, followed by a week in mental health.

I’ve also lost both my parents to cancer. My mom January of 2020, and Dad July 2021. I have no siblings. My mother’s family is….terrible. Self-absorbed, elitist…so I am estranged from them. My father’s family is wonderful but live in a different state. I am married and have 2 beautiful children; they are my anchors here.

I think about dying every […]