Going to go and see grandma tomorrow. She offered to pay for the restaurant for me. Called her a few days ago.
I’m rather nervous. I don’t even know how to be. I haven’t seen her since I was a little kid.
(I’m nearly 30 now…)

I’ll give her a little gift. Don’t know if I should but… I’ll do that. I feel so overwhelmed. I really do want to see her. I know she wants to see me too.

Why do I WORRY so much :/

Last time I helped someone important to me, talk to their friend because they wanted to take their life. I don’t even know that person so well. I won’t share details out of respect. I talked from a standpoint where I understand what it’s like and not pretend to find reasons everything is great.

Well, today I am in fact having a hard time, my mind is racing, I reached out to so many hands and no one took 5 minutes out of their day, to talk to me. So I took my hand back. I’m in isolation mode. There’s the internal loneliness, that isn’t all […]

I remember there was a time a few years back when I gave myself an “expiration date.” I had purchased some drugs that was meant to kill me and told myself “if shit doesn’t get better by next year i’ll finally do it.” Well the thought of my very short time left must have done something because a few months later my life turned around for the better. That and the guy I sent money to to provide me with those drugs actually scammed me and I never really had any means of  killing myself. For the next couple of years after that I was […]

I am watching a semi pro football game. A player who caught a pass turned to his opponent, in hot pursuit to tackle him, and lifted his arm and extended his middle finger towards him before successfully evading him.  Pro sports, testosterone fueled athletes caught up in the heat of competition, maybe there is “bad blood” between the teams…whatever.  Just that easily, he said “Fuck you” to the other player. He is not representative of all athletes, there are many respectful, professional men and women playing at all different levels. What struck me in his action was the human-ness of it – the split second […]

I haven’t been sleeping much. I’m in pain again today. The pain won’t let me sleep. My eyes are tired. I need sleep but I can’t get it. I’m afraid today. I don’t know how much hope I really have at the bottom of me. I thought I had a lot but I just owe it to people to live. I know it’s the sleeplessness talking. But sometimes the voice feels real. I always manage to convince myself these stupid transient states are fucking real. And when I’m fighting and aware they’re not? That’s when I know it’s going to get worse. By my immaculate […]

I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again. D.O.N.’.T–H.A.V.E–C.H.I.L.D.R.E.N. It’s not worth it, if not for you, definitely NOT FOR THEM. Life is a rip off and it isn’t even enjoyable. A world built to lever your very needs against you to create profits for those it rewards. From the moment you dump them into a school they’ll be programmed to be taken advantage of. And if you refuse to participate there’s no planet left for you to survive on anyway.

In fact the biggest reason parents have children at all is due to this programming. the system needs more subscribers. […]

im a rather fucked up human. my mind is terminally ill; BPD and some other stuff. everyday is more confusing. i dont even know why the only thing i want in life is to die. but that is the only thing i want. im functioning. or rather my shell is, meanwhile my emotions rule us with no control on my end to the point of being different personalities in moods. everything is pointless, nobody can change our mind on that. i understand some things on a incredible level, but cant force thoughts to work through everyday issues. the battles ive fought with myself and those […]

It’s one thing to accept the pain, know nearly every moment is excruciating, understand you can’t feel any of the happiness others can. To watch youth crumbling away and know everything you’ve lost. It’d be okay… If it ended. I can’t take the horror of every day with the frustration of thinking I know exactly what’d help me and just waiting for the healthcare I need with no idea when it’s coming or if I’ll last that long. I’m nowhere close to being able to afford it myself. There’s nowhere to go if you get more desperate, you just have to wait your turn. And […]

My life is in shambles… I want to feel good and thrive again, but  I’m stuck sobbing in this dark room. I have been for weeks. How do I pull myself out of this? ]*:  I feel like I’m ready to start planning my exit.

the working memory of humans supposedly limits somehow the amounts of things that a person can be aware of at the same time when working on something. it was once said that this number is seven, plus/minus two, but people who care about such ideas say these days that this is a bit more complicated than that.

why brain, why? why can’t i just use everything i want all at once? i don’t like how this works. worthless brain. it only makes everything hard.

hmm… what was i supposed to do next today? why did i end up writing this? what were the things that i wanted […]

I’ve been suffering from IBS, severe prostate pain, and insomnia from pain off and off for over a year and the pain is starting to come back.  I believe these problems are from eating too much sugar and drinking too much booze over the years, probably more from eating poorly.  I also have health anxiety disorder, so it’s hard for my parents to believe me but part of the reason I have health anxiety disorder is because I’ve had undiagnosed pain in my youth from this and I’ve only recently put together what it is.  I don’t want to kill myself but if my severe […]

I wish that I could die just by thinking about it without having to physically kill myself

Hi. I dont think anyone is around from back when I posted here regularly, so I won’t say anything. This post is mostly because a friend of mine told me I should write a letter to the girl that used to be everything to me, and then left me and shattered my whole world even more than it already was. Anyway, I’ll start.

Reading back on the messages we sent to each other, I can tell that you probably didnt like me that much. I mean you said you were cold and empty and that you never felt good about anything but I didn’t believe it. […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

there’s a squeezing of my insides, a shredding of my mind, and a weight pulling down my body that will not let up. and now that it’s all more outwardly seen by other people, again, they are offended by it. not even from what I say to them, just from it visibility affecting me. just keep your thoughts to yourself, for fuck’s sake. people truly think that you either aren’t trying enough or will tell you to consider something that you’ve already considered about a hundred different times, without their input. don’t say a damn thing, I’ll be much better off

I talked someone out of tears and mutterings of carbon monoxide today. I felt like a fraud. I felt old. He was so swayable. This was a genuine crisis for him. I want my comfort with the idea gone.

This day has been alright. I’m coming out of an emotional development cocoon. I don’t know who I am just yet. I was in pain today. I cried a little. I could cry more if I liked but no energy to. It doesn’t change anything. I watched a smog induced car pile up video. I’m flat. I’m going through a cloudy time. But I don’t care enough […]

It’s not much fun, being a monster. Would not recommend it. You get these constant reminders of what everyone thinks of you. Society loves a good villain. How can our heroes be truly heroic if those they pursue aren’t truly evil? Writers love to plumb the depths of human depravity, and audiences eat it up.

The obvious response to this is “just stop being evil.” Unfortunately, your past casts a long shadow. Some things mark you as forever beyond the pale, even after you stop. Besides which, the motivations that led you to that point don’t just disappear. If you’re sufficiently fucked in the head, realising […]

This is my first post on this site after being an infrequent reader since high school.

Things in my life have been going well for the most part…I literally traveled to another country (my dream destination) over a month ago. I have a great and well-paying job (although it’s stressful right now), my own apartment that I can comfortably afford, the sweetest dog, a working car…I am so unbelievably privileged. But ever since I got back from my trip I’ve been so detached from my life.

I feel directionless. There are things I want to do with my life, so badly, but instead I watch TV and zone out […]

He has been the source of my issues since I was born. He’s abusive in all ways possible: physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and financial. I’ll never be able to leave this place and he’s got my mother wrapped around his finger, so whatever I say about him, she excuses it.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about dying. I’ll leave all of my possessions with my brother (my best friend) and I’ll apologize to all of my friends before I quit. I have nowhere else to go and he’s controlling my life. I can’t leave without killing myself. It’s the only way out.

I have pets, but he’s threatened […]

So idk. I guess life is ok but i just can’t keep on keeping on. I was married, now i’m not. Then I was involved in a rather complicated relationship. now I’m not. At the end of the day i know that i am loved, and i am responsible for my children, and i have burdens to carry. And idk if I can keep things keeping on. idk if i want to. My ex is a complete wreck, alcoholic, abusive, tells the world that I am a pathetic worthless human being even though i’m the one who made sure that our children were fed.