General

I know why I dont fit in. Its because Im a 30-something year old nothing. Im supposed to be fit, and graduated, and have a vehicle. Im supposed to have made something of myself (I used to think that was just an expression). But im none of those things. Instead, im someone who was too afraid and apathetic to apply for college. Someone who did drugs and lived in my moms basement until I was 25. Someone who was convinced they were transgender but wasnt. Someone who went to prison.

Im a complete freak. A nobody. The internal nobody.

There are those who will say, “none of […]

Life is bullshit.
Life is rigged.
Life is unfair.
Life is too much stress.
Life is lonesome for those who are misunderstood or not understood.

Life has too many problems. Or at least those who aren’t wealthy enough to just buy their way out of some problems.

Sorry about my posts lately. I need to stop drinking.

I know what it is of course, it’s that if you watch certain sorts of videos on Youtube, Youtube will show you more things of that sort, and if you talk about things, search for things, Google can pick them up. So there’s no mystic forces here.

I spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out how far someone would have to fall to be certain they would die. It was a suicidal project, and so of course when the video arrived it was pre-empted by a Better Help ad, now that’s some good tie in marketing. Only suicidal people think about death as […]

Time and again, I find myself asking: “How could a creature this wretched and miserable not kill himself?”

And the obvious answers are survival instinct, a blind and deeply rooted fear of death, along with attachment to delusional fantasies of a life worth living.

And those don’t seem like very good reasons. It kind of feels like if that’s all that’s keeping me here in such misery, I “should” find some way to overcome those inhibitions and end it.

But that then raises questions of what that “should” is based on, if not personal preference. And all I can really come up with in terms of a moral […]

I am contradictory. When I can, I help people. But i also wish to indulge in evil pleasure. All day long I think about it, and fantasize. I havent acted but theres a certain pressure building. God, am I sick.

I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and excitement right now.

I spoke with the HR representative over the phone, and she mentioned that my background check might take a while to clear—possibly due to my frequent address changes or having a criminal record. During our conversation, she asked if I was hiding anything, so I told her about my two DUIs. To my surprise, she sounded relieved and explained that they mainly worry about violent offenses or aggravated DUIs, which mine weren’t.

She then asked if I wanted to start this Monday, but nothing is guaranteed until my background check goes through. She assured me that as […]

There’s never enough time to do everything one wants to do, even in 90 years. Only so many bachelors degrees, masters degrees, doctorates, research projects, children to have, and especially apparently careers to be had since companies absolutely will not cooperate.

and while I’m waiting here in the ether, waiting for a company to cooperate, the siren call of the road not taken keeps bugging me. I found out last week I could go back for a second bachelors. I had thought that would be stupid, but when the advisor told me about it I thought about finishing up my second major in computer science.

Then last […]

By no means do I mean to sound like Im bragging. Im nothing special, believe it. Im the most unlikely hero there ever fucking was. But in the past week, twice Ive helped people in ways that I feel are significant. I stood up to a guy who was abusing his Gf, and I found a wallet and returned it to a college girl who absolutely needed it. A lot of other people wouldve just kept it. And hell. I dont mean to sound full of myself. But if this were a video game, I wouldve gained a lot of hero points just off of […]

She said she was going to pursue me for stealing her identity.

She did it.

Not often I find something that makes this much of a difference, though I did almost trip into some anxiety along the way…. skipping that because talking about the anxiety makes it worse, I thought I was in trouble, if I was I’ll find out when I find out, but I’m not going to stress about it, why borrow trouble is my attitude. Talking about it actually could make it in specifics actually could make it more likely, irony abounds.

Anyway when I was replacing my mouse it came with a little disc, and that made me nostalgic for having a disc drive. That was the […]

Suicide jumper dies shortly after falling from Parking Structure 4

A woman threatened suicide at Parking Structure #4 in Santa Monica on Dec 6. Five fire trucks and a circus of squad cars and lordy knows how many mental health professionals… they talked her down.

Two weeks later she was right back in the same spot. Evidently none of the “help” helped. More fire trucks, more squad cars, send in the clowns again. They talked her down.

Another 2 weeks later, she’s back again and this time she did it fast before the circus arrived.

Don’t tell me the signs weren’t there, that nobody knew, or that she […]

My name is Sheena Talerico and I lied.

At first I just wanting some sympathy but I began to love that.

I stole my friend life and traumas , hacked her accounts and when she saw that I made myself mistaken for dead.

Now she wants to go to the police with all the screenshots and proofs.

After her sister died the whole school was there for her and the family.

They named the music hall  Niela (the girl who died), decided that every flowers that the kids would bring to school would be put against a memorial created on the back wall and that every anniversary of […]

I need to make the pain stop. But I’m not prepared to do the one thing that’s likely to end it. So I’m forcing myself to remain here. I’m choosing to continue this misery. I’m doing this to myself.

And tomorrow, maybe I’ll try to do something to make it all a little less painful. But right now, all I want is an escape. An off switch, a distraction, anything that allows me to forget my reality.

I’m all alone. No one really knows me, because I can’t allow anyone to see what I am. But that’s probably part of why I post here. Because when you […]

Some days I just want to start over. Or turn back the clock. But I can’t. It would be grand if I could end it and start again but better.

HDS

1. Where is the love? Do you have it in you, in your relationships? What about the people around you?
2. Are you feeling lonely?
3. Why can’t we fly like birds or cure every disease

Essentially that’s all this is, which I think is why I don’t utilize this place as much as I once did. Sorry in advance.

I’m quitting my job, Friday being my last day. Me? Lazy, not committed to anything, slow and too okay with being burdensome, quitting? Who would’ve guessed, huh? I really just can’t handle the intensity of the place. I like the residents, I like helping, but I’m not capable of doing what they seem to want me to be able to do. 4 or 5 12 hour shifts make me want to die. A big portion of the people I do work with […]

https://youtu.be/4PAUNBTaZK8?si=LgP-dOXJjDOq09NA

Ran into this on my regular rounds on true crime and was dissappointed in the channel owner, and everyone involved really… What happened was that this mobile home park specialized in taking in people with sex offenses. I have special empathy for these folks, worked with them for two years. Everyone treats them like dirt. It’s incredibly hard for them to find someplace to live.

It doesn’t matter really the severity of your sex offense, everyone treats you the same. A rapist is treated the same as someone caught with their pants down, no kidding. Anyway I only worked with the habitual predators, because they […]