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It’s wild out there..!

by nutjobcantlove
written by nutjobcantlove

After being abandoned by the guy I was with for a while now, I gained the courage to meet someone who is as introverted as me and knows what it is like to live in pain. Well, I did find someone of that sort, successful with lot of miseries. I met him for the 1st time yesterday. He wanted to tell me 2 important things:

“First, I have colon cancer” my heart sunk the moment I heard those words. I gave him a hug and felt sorry. Then he went on.. “Second, I have someone else living inside my body”. I froze for a few seconds not knowing how to react. I was still sitting next to him and rubbing his back. What was I doing? I don’t even know if it’s alright to leave. He suddenly got aggressive and forced me to go to his place. I was scared like never before and I cried to leave me alone. All this happened in  downtown sidewalk and several ppl walked past us looking at me cry buckets of tears. Well, no one can come between what looks like a couple. He yelled at me that he had spent $200 for nothing. I lost it then and walked as fast as I could until I got in a cab.

Just felt like sharing. I couldn’t tell this anyone. Bcz this world continues to blame me.

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General

I’m not in love, but I don’t want to be alone

by Casino96
written by Casino96

 

So I honestly think she’s gay, which means this will mean nothing anyway; that’s why I’m even posting, to be honest

 

theres a girl at my supermarket job that’s I think is kinda cute. She has a short haircut and a tattoo on her arm that makes me think she at bare minimum understands people with depressive illnesses, and she’s very shy. She’s also learning how to play guitar, and is be willing to teach her if I thought I were any good at teaching. I don’t know what type of music she likes and I listen to pretty “out there” stuff; again, I think she might be a lesbian so I’m very hesitant to say anything at all, and,perhaps most

importantly, I don’t believe in this love shit, so I don’t want to drag anyone on

I’m short and overweight so I’m no catch but I feel like there’s something I could be doing to lessen this doubt in a safe way, but I’m lazy and scared lol

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GeneralRants

Things that Trigger me

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

Im not okay these days.. its been 3 days..
Too much thing triggering me..
These things.. the reason why Im being like this
Im still walking my days and work as always
But inside I feel not okay.. really not okay
I pretend to be okay and I cant say anything to anyone
Its just I become lazy again and getting pissed off easily
But even if Im geting pissed off.. I dont show it because im too lazy to quarrel about that

Ughh
Ughhhhhh
Ughhhhhhhhh
I need to get back…

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General

these are my cousin’s guns, i could kill myself right now; what the hell is stopping me?

by arisa hatori
written by arisa hatori

its tasteless just to upload a photo without any context, so maybe these stories will suffice.

the year is 1960. my great grandfather forest is a young man who is going about his day unaware of the misfortune that is soon to surround his family. his two bothers are driving in the their car to a destination i cannot say, but they would never be to arrive. the eldest one who is twentyone is driving, his younger seventeen year old brother in the passenger seat. a car collision ensues, the one in the passenger’s seat is killed instantly. the elder brother dies a short time later from injuries, living long enough to hear about his brother’s death and converse with his family before he passes away.

someone within my family tree, of whom i don’t remember how i’m related to him. he had received the diagnoses of alzhemier’s just months ago. the horrible brain degenerating disease runs in his family and wreaks havoc every generation. his wife is fed up with his behavior and understandingly does not want to take responsibility of his pathetic helplessness. she proceeds to drive him to a mental institution and drops him off in front of the building. after she leaves he takes out his gun which he had brought with him, and shoots himself in the temple.

my great great great grandfather was a downtrodden alcoholic. he died in a backstreet alley in his own vomit. it’s worth noting he was half cherokee.

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General

I miss both of you

by mindlessgamer619
written by mindlessgamer619

Where did you go? I just hate not knowing if you’re dead or alive. It’s just the worst feeling.. It’s not like I can tell anyone irl about them. That sucks because I could use some reassurance or something. I love you both, one as a good friend, and the other as girlfriend material and that’s no lie. I feel like I’ll never be able to properly connect with people irl, never find love that way. My mind is too much of a mess at this point. It lacks cohesion. Too many random thoughts, and ideas I can’t ever properly express. Nothing helps, not writing or music or anything. I feel like I fake normalcy just so people don’t think I’m weird. I’ve cut myself so far off from friends and family, and I change jobs so often I can’t settle and make friends there either. I can’t shake the fact that I’ve been unstable since leaving school and all of these small failures have compounded into a bigger mess overall. I’m directionless and sad, overweight and tired. Always tired. Idk what to do, who to call. I feel so misunderstood and I feel like I’m not living my life right at all… Sigh…

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General

skelitons

by rocketman
written by rocketman

Beauty is skin deep!

Which is more sexy?

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General

—

by death_wish
written by death_wish

I’m sorry that I wasted your time. Please don’t tell ***** the truth about me. It’s best she never really knows who I was. Just some crazy ex in photos. She doesn’t need to know any more. I knew someone who’s daughter got old enough to a ask about her father’s brother that killed himself. I don’t want that for her.

Please take care of the cats. I know I never meant anything to you, but I hope they did. At the age they’re at they’ll all be put down in shelters, please don’t let that happen.

Please don’t waste money on a funeral, no one is going to come. If the State demand you pay for it just go whatever’s cheapest to get rid of the body. Otherwise just refuse to claim the body and let the State do whatever they will.

I hope I can find peace. Even if there’s nothing at all, I just need to get away from all this pain.

Please feel free to liquidate my assets to pay any debts off. I don’t care that you do with the remaining money.

I’m sorry I wasted anyone’s time, but especially yours. I thought we were going to be happy. I love so deeply. But I guess the only thing I’ll ever get close enough to that is permanent peace from my pain. I wish I was a worthwhile person, but from the people I thought were my friends, and especially from the people I loved the most, I learned that I am completely without any worth to anyone. I guess I never was. I wish I had learned that earlier and done this earlier. I’m sorry for anyone I caused inconvenience to. I’m sorry I was every alive in the first place. My life has been nothing but pain and I just want it to stop.

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General

by unknown
written by unknown

this is going to be really long and I don’t expect anyone to read I just need to vent or whatever. so I have never been diagnosed with anything, mainly because I am scared to disappoint my parents again after what my sister went through. I can remember I was always happy as a kid, at least my mom says so. it wasn’t until I was 11 I remember feeling so lonely in my group of friends. sad and unmotivated. quit all my activities because of how uninterested I had gotten. then came the distancing from everyone and everything. I think what triggered it was my losing my nanny, my second mom. several “attempted suicides” mainly me sitting in bed with pills, or standing on the side walk wanting to jump out. And it was when I was 12-13 when I self harmed. I eventually stopped because I moved and threw out my razor. ever since then I just been the same way. and now that me and my sister talk more and talk about our mental health she says she thinks we could be bi-polar. I never thought I could. my dad was diagnosed with bi polar disorder. And it wasn’t until recently I have become more aware of “symptoms.” thoughts of suicide, unwanted thoughts, major anxiety, manic episodes, impulse decisions, trying to take on new things, but just becoming uninterested, disconnected socially literally have no friends, being super emotional, crying out of no where for no reason, or being super hyper. hard time focusing, thoughts overwhelm me, excessive sleep or no sleep, cleaning the entire house randomly, very frustrated easily, starting fights and arguments, restless, not being able to sleep, paranoia extreme. there is so much more I have been documenting things throughout the last few days. maybe I’m over dramatizing it I don’t know. I just want to document this for the next time.

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General

by namrahellz
written by namrahellz

who the fuck says i deserve counseling when i didnt give it my all

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General

promise

by arisa hatori
written by arisa hatori

i hate everyone in this world, almost every damn human being. yes there are exceptions, perhaps ten percent of the world population. i also have nothing against those who who are born into extreme poverty in places such as africa, or any kind of being who is dominated by their government or by internal conflict and aren’t able to make anything of this life anyways. i wish i could say that i want their lives to improve, but if they were to; then how do i know that that they wont align their ideals against what is universally and morally right.

everyone deserves the right to pursue happiness right, yes i realize this a quote unique to the united states, but it holds just as true for the rest of the world. everyone only lives one short live of which can be full of happiness and fortune, or just as easily misfortune and suffering. to have my own individual freedoms taken away from me by society and my own mistakes as well is unfair in itself. but for this to be extended to my own children as well is  bewildering. how can i stand by and let the government and its allied industries take away my own child’s well being, when all i had desired was to give him/her a better life than mine.

damn you all, i wont let this happen to the next generation of which i hold responsibility for. i’ll exhaust every option until i have nothing more; and if that day is to arise then i will kneel down and weep bitter tears.

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Chronic PainGeneral

I more than likely have COPD. I can’t live like this.

by tonimontez
written by tonimontez

TL;DR I’m convinced that I have COPD and I don’t want to keep living like this at the expense of my loved ones.

So I am absolutely convinced that I have chronic Bronchitis, even though I’m only 18. I should also mention that I am a male. Skip the next 2 paragraphs if you don’t want to know why I think think this.

My dad, a chronic smoker, died right about a month (september 2017) after I turned 16. I lived with him from 2008-to 2011. During that time, I was constantly exposed to second hand smoke. Although he wasn’t exactly the best parent, his passing still left me depressed. I started smoking marijuana in November of that year. At that point it was only every once in a while. Once every two weeks. Then at the end of January 2018, my mom wasn’t home as much so I started smoking more and using a different method. It became more like 5 days out of the week and I was using aluminum foil to function as a bowl since I didn’t have access to a pipe or any rolling papers. That lasted from until the end of June of 2018. Then I got a pipe used that exclusively until January of 2019. From then until early March, I used a distillate cartridge. In mid March I thought that I had lung cancer and quit marijuana completely. In late April, I got bronchitis. It took about a week but it went down to just the occasional cough with phlegm. However, it hasn’t gone away since.

In late May, I went to Disneyland with my friends and walked around all day with no issues whatsoever. Then in late June I walked about a mile and got this strange feeling in my chest. I could breathe, but it just felt really weird. Discomfort is the best way that I can describe it. There was also slight back pain when I breathed in deeply. After about a week that went away. Then I took a campus tour at my future university 6 days ago and I got that feeling again. I still haven’t gone back to normal. However, I’ve noticed that if I cough up the phlegm that’s lodged deep within my chest, I’ll feel better. I should note that I don’t get easily winded and I can still walk a mile without getting any more tired than I’d get before all of this suddenly started happening. Most of not all of these point to COPD or more specifically chronic Bronchitis which means that I’ll be living like this for the rest of my life and it will only get worse. Instead of just constantly coughing up phlegm and occasionally getting chest and back discomfort, I’ll eventually be reduced to a shell of a man who needs to be hooked up to an oxygen machine 24/7.

I move into my college dorm tomorrow and I’m absolutely horrified. I’m 2+ hours away from my mom and I don’t have a car and can’t drive. My doctor is also the same distance away and since my mom can’t afford to miss work and drive me to the doctor all the time, I won’t be able to get diagnosed any time soon. In the meantime, however, I will be doing 23&me using my left over FAFSA money to see if I have Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency (it causes COPD at a much earlier age than normal). I can walk places but my legs get way more tired than they used to and my chest hurts sometimes.

I feel like telling my mom about it would only make things worse. I’m already seeing a doctor for another, totally unrelated issue that I go to a bunch of appointments for already and I don’t want to add on to that with this issue. On top of college, getting a diagnosis and treatment for this would absolutely destroy my mom’s bank account. I can also kiss my dreams of becoming a nurse goodbye since I’ll most likely be wheelchair bound by the time I’m out of college if I’m lucky. I honestly, truly see no point in going on for much longer. I’ve been trying to convince myself that it’s just allergies but the signs and symptoms are too obvious for me to keep ignoring. Probably due to my marijuana abuse I also have anxiety now (hypochondria, specifically). College will probably be a waste of time. All of this will have been a waste of time. Nothingness is far preferable to living like this.

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General

I’ve wasted my time…

by Wisp
written by Wisp

Not suicide related

I should’ve known better.
I didn’t fly halfway around the world to hear my boyfriend ever-so-casually say: ‘I just have no motivation.’
I thought I could change him but nothing has changed much.
If only he had told me he had at least a bit of motivation, that would’ve made me smile.
I feel he’s confident on the outside, but on the inside he’s… too far gone, perhaps. He always has his rich parents to fall back on, anyway.

I really don’t want to break up with him, honestly he’s been so lovely, sweet and caring at least when I’ve seen him for at least nearly 2 months in real life. I told him he’s got all this stuff to deal with and it’s going to take forever… and he’s like ‘Yeah, I know.’

I feel like I’ve wasted my time. I should’ve just stayed at home. He told me online that he also had no motivation numerous times. It’s his own fault but he thinks he’s just too old and that he doesn’t really have any opportunities anymore. Really????? He’s 33, not 50!!!!!!

And he’s got the nerve to tell me that I have so much potential.

He just brings me sadness, overall. Yes I loved the snuggling and touching and the sexual stuff and just being together…

I really see it so clearly in real life that he has no motivation. He really wanted to go somewhere for quite a while now, I suggested that we sleep early because he wants to get to that place early in the afternoon, but 3 days in a row we end up sleeping at around 6am! So yet again, even with an alarm, he’s laying next to me peacefully in a deep sleep…. and of course still hasn’t gone to that place.

He has a room full of stuff that he needs to attend to, man it’s so full of stuff I’d prob be in the grave from old age by the time I got through it all! How can he possibly ever get his own place with all that endless stuff? Who the actual f would want to move all of that around??????

I really want to cry right now, cry many tears of sadness. I want him to see… I want to tell him that I didn’t come all this way to hear that he has no motivation at all. And to actually SEE it… It’s really disheartening and sad..

He’s basically throwing his life away and I just have to witness it…

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General

Relationship

by Hope Dream Love
written by Hope Dream Love


I didnt just fall. I came crashing down like a house of cards. Like a brick being dropped from the 50th floor. He was the only one i was ever my true self around. He brought out the me i had hidden away for years. When i cry hes always right there to wipe the tears away. When im cold hes always right there to warm me up. I couldnt have ask for a better husband. But…..things still dont seem to be right.
I would die away from him. Around him im annoyed. Some of the things he does…..ugh. its so confusing. Reading page after page of toxic relationships, true love, its not working out, and basically everything of the sort and somehow i match both. I love him and i dont i guess. I have no idea. Im at a conplete loss at this point i wouldnt mind taking a week or so away. Maybe go up to my grandfathers. Just long enough to be away from everything. Get my thoughts straightened out. But i cant. Were still in the middle of moving i cant just leave him with all of that. It would be cruel. And he cant do our job by himself. He doesnt know my routes. And even if he did he would be all day completeing it. Even with me it takes until about lunch time and we start around 3-4am. I cant do that to him. Looks like im stuck and i think thats making me more depressed then the rest of the problem. Of course the confusion isnt helping thats for sure but the inablility to figure it out is just…ahhhhhh!
“Why dont you talk to him about it?” For 1 i dont really remember all the problems i have. 2 he is trying. 3 sometimes when we talk it causes arguments because of a misunderstanding or i get excited about something and my voice starts to raise even though i dont mean for it too. And yes ive tried not to. Like really really tried and i just cant not raise my voice. But i cant expect him to be completely perfect either, can i?

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General

uncertainty

by lucent
written by lucent

uncharted waters
storms raging on
smell of vomit salty fear
holding back nervous laughter
hearts pounding fear
choking back vomit
quiet prayers and tears
holding back nervous laughter
we sway and sway
lucent pierces clouds
calmer and calmer
crystal clear waters
lucents shimmering glow

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General

Life & Death

by ThouShallSee
written by ThouShallSee

Hey there you!!

I looked around me but nothing appear to be present

“Hmm??… Who was that?”

Ahaha!!! The voice cackling, “im right here!”

the voice got close

I jumped back!! Goosebumps ran all the way up my body.

Whoosh.. the wind blew aways the leaves. It was pitch dark at night 1 o’clock after midnight. I was confused?

Who are you?.. a typical mindset of a 8 year old. I was a type of kid who didn’t believe in anything Until it happens before my eyes

The voice sneer in disdain. “Have you heard of life and death?” 

My body shudder then went limped for a whole 10 seconds.

Life and death? Is this what was said earlier? I ponder for a few minutes then replied back “w-what is.. before I could finished.

Beep! Beep!.. ayy kid get off my Parking spot!

I ignored the hollering man, I panicked a bit.. was that a ghost? Or a person. It was the first week of fall.

Of course Halloween ain’t till next month. The man earlier saw my reaction and froze. From a third party perspective of view, a Suspicious scenario would likely be first to come to mind.

 

To be Continued..

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Chronic PainGeneral

“Do What Makes You Happy”

by Resentment
written by Resentment

Everything I try doesn’t give me any meaningful happiness.

A friend gave me a wrist band that said “do what makes you happy.”

All I want to do is die.

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General

by unknown
written by unknown

how selfish would it really be to take my life? i mean in all honesty i’d be dead. yeah thinking about how “hurt” my family would be sucks but if i’m not here to see it i guess it wouldn’t really matter. lately i’ve seen how much my parents don’t love me. at least they don’t show it. they constantly try to degrade me. making me feel worthless. school has also been really fucking stressful. life all together. i think it’s better if i just wasn’t breathing any more.

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General

Zzyzx

by Once
written by Once

“See you in a few hours, Curtis.”

(pause, deep deep struggling breath) “Ok.” (Faint as a whisper.)

Yeah. What real problems do I have?  Not that many. Seriously, dude, not that many. Wanna go for a walk? Wanna go to the store? Wanna. . . wanna. . . want to. . . Do you want to. . . What do you want? Most of it is readily and easily accessible, and here, where we are, that’s all that really matters.

You lucky s.o.b.

Count ’em up. You’re buried in blessings, my man.

Zzyzx. What the hell? I mean, who names a street this?

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General

working to die

by born.sinner
written by born.sinner

that’s my sole purpose of going to work everyday 🙂

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General

Deeper down into the darkness…

by Causeofdeath_suicide_
written by Causeofdeath_suicide_

Just when I think that things cant get any worse in my life, they do.
People keep getting in my way of my happiness.
The people I called “friends” backstab me, talk about me behind my back, and turn on me like they’ve never cared in the first place..
People hate me for things I don’t even do wrong.
I’m so lost inside myself, and my life..
I was clean for about 8 months, before I fell so far into the darkness and couldn’t handle it anymore that I managed to slip my way back into cutting again.. It’s not something I’m proud of, but recently it seems like the only thing I have left that can connect me to my humanity… Without it, it just feels like everything around me seems worse than it really is.. It keeps me in tact. Keeps me being able to think clearly, keeps the mental breakdowns to a low… And keeps me connected with the humanity that’s left inside of me…
People hate me for just simply being alive… Why do i even bother staying alive, if my pure existence is just a problem for people.
And my only happy place, the only place that makes me truly happy, the only state, I cant even get to without the help of someone else…
These are the times where I wish I had more friends…
Things aren’t going to get any better…
Thing’s just keep getting worse and worse for me..

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