General

You forgot the color film, my Michael
Now no one believes us, how beautiful it was here, ha-ha, ha-ha
You forgot the color film, for my soul
Everything blue and white and green and later no longer true

She was in East Germany in 1975, she laments how gray it is there. Her boyfriend Micheal, her heart forgot the color film on vacation, now they will have no memories of marvelous color, the only reprieve they had from their lives.

The sea buckthorn stood tall on the beach of Hiddensee
Micha, my Micha, and everything hurt so much
That the rabbits looked shyly out of their burrows
So loudly did […]

I feel like a lost little sheep… -_-

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. He was born a sentient, anthropomorphic egg. As you could well imagine, life as such a thing is not so pleasant when everyone else is a normal human being. There was a horrific, cruel irony in never getting laid, and yet, being an egg.

So one particularly hot day in mid July, he sat on a wall. On purpose. They found him scrambled on the pavement hours later, unable to piece him back together, the scent of death and breakfast hanging upon the morning breeze. Sort of a futile idea anyway, when you think about it. What would piecing him […]

that a happy and fulfilling life was so damn hard to achieve?

I’m not doing too hot. I’m actually in excruciating pain. I present my progress tomorrow. The robot isn’t done. I spent the last few weeks working on nothing but the project. That’s a lie. I’ve spent a lot of it goofing off. Every second I spent playing games could have been spent on the project. I spent around 14 hours yesterday trying to assemble it. No dice. Any idiot with half a brain could have done what I did in a few hours. It’s killing me. The stress. I can feel myself […]

-_-

It’s been an eventful few days. I cried a few times. Me, crying, what is this world coming to? Big emotions, huge life forces, enough to overcome even my massive will. Unstoppable force meets immovable object.

I met with my therapist, and that really was the least of it. Just a concentrated rage dump there, really. I can’t let my rage out in polite society. I do hate this place, and most of all I hate all the passive jerks who don’t challenge it. I’ve been one for too long. So I’m trying to stop. Here’s where I get that maniac grin.

But it’s the sanest thing. […]

Gave up my cat after 5 years of taking care of him. I feel like scum.

I had no other recourse. I’m furious.

If you could have a superpower (ex flying, rewinding time, mind control, invisibility, happiness, etc) but it only lasts 5s (and there’s a refresh period where you can’t use the 5s power again, for say 5 or 10min), what 5s superpower would you want and what would u do with it? (basically you can’t just keep stacking the 5s + 5s without a break).

(OTHER than unaliving yourself) – what would it be?

I HATE HIGH HUMIDITY!

After months of torturous months of high summer heat and humidity, it’s supposed to be “Fall” now. Even at the “perfect” temperature of 72 degrees (perfect in EVERY other place than here)- it was still 72%+ humidity. Even now at midnight, the humidity is at 66%. This is pretty “low” considering how disgusting the last 5mo has been, but it’s STILL disgusting. UGH.

I literally walk out or anywhere for more than 10s and I start to drip sweat and then have to shower. Sometimes I shower multiple times a day. It gets ridiculous.

So much for the […]

I have to take my cat to a shelter, I have no clue how I’ll get him in one before Sunday night at this point. I don’t want to take him to a shelter but I have no other viable options.

Also watched this video a few minutes ago. Maybe you’ll get something out of it. It’s so annoying that we all have to be stuck grinding out a non fulgilling living to make ends meet in a weird system like this (at least in America anyway).

If I were brave, I wouldn’t be here.  If I were smart, I wouldn’t be a coward.  If I loved myself more, I would be out living life on a Friday night.  If I had could stop running, maybe I could just clear my head.  If I had more time…i’d hate myself a little less.

But I don’t live like that.  My world has grown smaller and darker as time wanes on.  I have grown smaller and weaker as well.  I find my existence to be increasingly cumbersome.  I know there is a part of my brain struggling not to give up, but the urge is […]

There’s this part of me that longs to let go of being this twisted thing. And it seems like dying is the only way to do that. To cease being this failed creature and return my matter to the planet, so it can be part of something less repulsive.

But death seems terrifying. The end of all possibilities, all attachments. Every abandoned dream, every lost hope, every unfulfilled desire. Finally nullified beyond doubt.

So I sit in this misery I’ve created for myself. And every year it feels worse. And I tell myself I’ll try things to change it. And I do try a little, ever so […]

According to Gallup:
-47% of Americans were “very” satisfied with their personal lives in February 2024
-78% of Americans were ‘very’ or ‘somewhat satisfied’ (though I would argue that low level depression can exist with ppl who say they are ‘somewhat satisfied’ with their lives. i don’t considered ‘somewhat satisfied’ to mean ‘happy’ or ‘happy enough.’)

47% = very satisfied
31% = somewhat satisfied
22% = unhappy / very unhappy

At least this study, and studies SINCE covid, actually acknowledge that half the population aren’t all that happy. For all of my life, EVERY fucking study out there kept parroting how ‘95%’ […]

September 11th is my birthday. And I give no fucks about My job. And I married the wrong person. And I’m not at all happy because I’m a goddamn coward. I wonder if I’ll ever be brave enough to die. I thought I was, but wouldn’t you know it, I survived! And now I have to breathe with an oxygen tank and I speak like Darth Vader did. Because I crushed my fucking wind pipe hanging myself. I’m so tired. And perhaps ungrateful. But most of all, I hurt. Happy Birthday to me, I guess.

It feels a lot like falling, going down a ski slope or a roller coaster, ah, I miss those days.

I’m only on the functional side of madness. Monitored, if I slip I’ll be looked after. I’m not quite mad enough. I only have intrusive thoughts of self harm. That’s manageable. I’m only daydreaming about death, perfectly acceptable. Poe esque, I seem to be in a second teenage goth rebellion. Except with really realistic suicidal ideation. I don’t think goths are supposed to have that.

The rug’s just pulled out, the strings cut as it were. I’ve been here before. How I love being a historian.” Patient […]

Human-beings are unnecessarily complicated.

All my life, I was taught that you should make the best of your time on this earth, and live as authentically as you can, since you only live once. But if, for example, you decide to grow out your hair and show up to work in the middle of an awkward phase, they might assume you’re on drugs (or say you look unprofessional, at the least). So there seems to be this rather arbitrary dichotomy between being authentically yourself and following expected social norms for the sake of social functionality. And I guess I find it frustrating because it’s all bullshit. […]

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Supress your feelings. Ignore the thought. Endure the pain.