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I’ve had suicidal thoughts my entire life. I don’t think I’ve ever gone a day without thinking about death, or wanting to die. But it’s usually been pretty manageable, at least to the point where I wasn’t making drastic steps towards killing myself. But that’s changed. Really changed.
I had an episode in March, right when the Coronavirus began implementing into our world. I was on a choir trip and had to come home early because it was too dangerous. And it was like the second I got back into my hometown, I’d fallen into a deep, overreaching sleep. One that I couldn’t wake out of so easily. I was terrified.
My depression had never reached this level before. I sat in my bathroom, washing my clothes just to be sure I didn’t bring home the virus with me. I stared at a pair of scissors I sometimes impulsively cut my split ends with. And I so desperately wanted to use it on my skin. But I held myself back.
This episode didn’t last too long, maybe a week. I sat on my boyfriends floor and went through the internet looking up methods of suicide, and stories. Everything I could. I felt so far from myself in that moment. I went home and watched suicide short films, one of which made me cry so hard I had to hold my stomach. I was so lost in this mindset that I couldn’t think about anything else.
But then a couple of days later, after I’d went to my boyfriend with these thoughts, he said something to convince me that I had a reason to live. And it worked.
But that reason isn’t working anymore.
I’m terrified of how much I don’t care anymore. It’s not like last time. This is so much worse. I’ve deleted all my social media, I’ve developed a plan. I’ve been stocking up on pills, researching all around the internet for information. I’m trying so, so hard to find a reason to stay. I’ve gone to every option for help that I can. Nothing is working. I’m running out of time. And I just don’t know what to do.
I need some drastic help because a week from now I might not be here. A week from now I might by lying breathless on my bathroom floor.
And I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it.