General

I’m a terrible person. Which I repeat here not to be down on myself (which I know is common among depressives), but to accurately represent my situation. By almost any moral standard you could choose to use, I am scum. Of course there’s a sense in which any moral judgement is subjective, and artificially imposed on reality by the human mind. But if you do believe that there’s certain things one should not do, then chances are you’ll agree I’m trash. I say this based particularly on my past actions, but also my current behaviour, my motivations, my emotions, my psychology. I’m an example of […]

Today the higher-ups fired my boss, and for what? Going to the hospital to be there when her granddaughter was born. We all knew she was going to do this, except apparently her own boss. And no bad consequences happened to us because of her absence. Should she have let her boss know? Probably. But firing her is too much. Give the woman a damn break! P

All of us signed a petition asking them to keep her, but I think it’s going to get ignored.

I hate how cutthroat and heartless prople with money can be. All about maximizing profits to them. Can’t help but feel […]

That exit I had been hoping for is getting so slim, I’m starting to realize where I’m at; a place of hopelessness, a place where I scream into the void. Treatment folks showed up at the house earlier today, and in that checkup I realized how hard I’ve been running from admitting to myself how hopeless I feel. There’s just no will to become anymore. Sure, I could be something, but will to become, that desire to be is fading over here. Someone has to be willing, and they aren’t acting it.

I ran as fast as I could after that thing. I tried to catch […]

I had called my dad after I got off work this morning. Was crying but was able to keep myself somewhat together to talk. I don’t really know why I called, other than I hadn’t seen him/family in a while and was just overwhelmed in general. I asked if he thought something was wrong with me, and why I feel like there is. I think he had said there isn’t anything wrong, I’m just adjusting to things. I even told him that I feel like all I do is drag people down and burden people around me. Like at work. I can’t remember the full […]

More and more I feel like I just can’t stand people. On one hand, I feel lonely. I get sad sometimes that nobody calls me up to do anything. But then people have to go and do things that remind me that its better to be alone than it is to be with people who are shit. So, I feel like I’m being stretched too thin between two extremes.

I’m tired of the juggle. It’s exhausting. Life is exhausting. And what I wouldn’t give for some mental peace.

First, insane fire in CA burning everything
Now, there’s a SNOWSTORM- in FLORIDA of all places

What’s next- fireball in the sky?
Probably, if we get into WWIII- OR we destroy our planet by all the pollution/greenhouse effect/global warming/etc

I want to die. Sometimes this happens. I usually ignore it. I get so busy with life and work I don’t notice after a while. Then eventually I don’t feel it anymore. I want to live. But this time it’s been this way for months I guess. I imagine the gun in my mouth a lot. A lot has happened. I got in a bad relationship with a man I didn’t know was married. I stayed even after I found out. Three people committed suicide here a few months ago. One was my neighbour of two years. We weren’t friends but we were becoming friends. […]

Pretty safe to say that everyone on here has been screwed by it. From depression to schizophrenia, everyone on here has something going on up there. The funny thing is, it’s a thing that fucks you from birth. You have no real say in it. Certain illnesses like PTSD are sometimes forced upon us. There are so many times in my life I wondered why my brain was so broken. Why did it not function like everyone else’s. Of course in actuality most people have this sort of thing. They just hide it well. It’s not […]

So I have a strange observation about myself. Maybe it’s all in my head maybe it’s not. When I was a kid I had what I believed was a strange knack for putting on a mask during stressful social interactions. Specifically to certain people. People I deem better than me or above me or something. So basically teachers and adults. I was able to say what they wanted to hear and express what they wanted to see. I didn’t really think about what I was doing. It was like autopilot. I said things I didn’t really mean […]

Is criticism. It wasn’t that I didn’t like criticism it was more that I couldn’t take criticism. Other ppl will let you know exactly who you are via feedback. The most valuable thing in the world is not gold stashed in a tax-free vault in Switzerland, the most valuable thing in the world is feedback. In my own case it took many years to get good at interacting with others then a few years ago I isolated myself from others and was watching world cinema -Bergman,Bunuel,Fellini, Kurosawa, all that bollocks,  excessively, and thinking this would not be a problem. One day I was interacting with […]

It has been a while, huh?

Just checking if I can log in outside of Poland, and yes, I can. Apparently the system has blocked access for Central and Eastern Europe visitors since the start of the war in Ukraine, because for the past 3 years, I’ve been unable to log in in Poland.

Can I please the admin take the blockade down or exclude Poland from its block list?

There’s too much to say but anyway, I’ve got some of the genetic testing results back and I 100% have a rare inborn defect that has scored 5 (the highest score) on the pathology scale. So […]

I’m not entirely sure what made me think I could handle this, any of it. But fuck that part of my brain. I’m too much of an idiot for this job, every time I think I’m doing something right something gets fucked up. Granted that’s very typical of me. I’m overwhelmed, I’m very tired, I’m annoyed that I have to do this all over again tmr night and I had to nearly fight tooth and nail for a schedule. I’m the idiot that can barely grasp anything and I’m just another burden people have to deal w here. I’ve had to ask for help and […]

So much of it comes back to that I’m not sufficiently sorry, I’m not ashamed. I look at what I am, and by all accounts the thing I am was something I used to feel bad about. That’s just something I’ve been getting over.

I was going to lead with the German version of “Someone has to be Krampus”, but then I remembered this existed and thought it was a better choice for the moment. Where did the shame go though? I remember thinking there was something wrong with me, and I did all the corrective actions back when I believed there was something wrong with […]

Significant parts of me want to do terrible things. Am I ever going to? I highly doubt it. I may sometimes feel like I want to, but I don’t actually want to become the person who’s done such things. If that makes sense.

I don’t want to have to experience being on the other side of having done them. Having to deal with the awareness of what I’d done, and see myself that way. Then again, I don’t want to deal with the awareness of the things I’ve already done, and who I am right now. But I assume it would be even worse.

Possibly not. Possibly […]

can you be happy if you completely disregard people and how they influence you? can you be confident in living selfishly, without allowing the judgement of others to seep into your mind? i wish to be fearless.

I guess I still am.

I really thought I knew what I was doing. I really thought it was okay and maybe it is but I just feel so alone because of my rebellious ways.

I was supposed to play by the rules. I saw others play by the rules and they were rewarded for it.

But I never felt eligible for the game. I don’t think people truly know until they know. It’s like watching an episode of ‘60 Days In’ versus actually doing time in jail. You don’t really know until you know.

Its weird when some young people think I’ve somehow been through less or that […]

Break is almost over.

Still have stuff I need to do.

Lost a game save I didn’t back up. Deleted the few games I have in frustration.

Don’t even know why I started gaming again after I said I’d stop to begin with.

I may as well save my money, not get a new GPU and CPU when I have working parts currently and just try to fix the computer so it isn’t so noisy.

Not sure what to do now, now that I’ll try to cut games out again.

Maybe watch anime, focus more on computer repairing and […]