General

So yesterday my team and I turned in our group project. That makes the second term project for me this semester with one more to go. Overall we got a good response from the teacher. It didn’t work like we wanted it to, but we still managed to satisfy the professor. We probably won’t get the best grade in the class, but we didn’t fail. The thing is that’s not the best thing that I took away from this whole process. I still have a low opinion of myself and think that I will end up as nothing, but this project gave me a small bit of hope that maybe I’m not completely useless. I think I was able to help to some degree and be a good engineer. One of my teammates was this extremely bright girl that is a part of this fancy research lab and works several jobs and has this huge list of accomplishments, which usually bums me out to think about how everyone around me is better than me. However, there were just certain things that she was not great at. Trying to explain certain things to her was a bit difficult and she always seemed to want to do things the hard way or in a way that just didn’t make sense. So it made me realize that you don’t necessarily need to have this long list of achievements and all that to be something. Yeah she still has this long line of achievements and she probably is a lot more knowledgeable than me in certain areas, but I still had something to offer. The same goes for the other two teammates, they have this incredible list of achievements and jobs, but they are also older than me and took a while to get to a place where they understood what they liked and wanted. They either changed majors several times or transferred from community colleges or what not. So I now know that it’s ok to not have this direct path to success. They took different winding paths to get to where they are now and that’s fine. I don’t know. I think I don’t feel as useless and pointless.

If anyone’s read over my last posts, you’d know about the antidepressant withdrawal and the brain tumour. Things aren’t getting better, it has been 8 months and my emotions are still numb. Then again, I haven’t taken any pills yet. The Cabergoline is still in its prescription bag, and the antidepressants too.

My issue is, I spent money on a Reiki Healer as I wanted some of my lost emotions restored. Instead she heals my brain tumour and claims it’s gone for good. But how do I know it’s gone without evidence in front of me? I’m needing another MRI for that, but the doctors where I’m from don’t give a shit about your wellbeing and wouldn’t even blink if you died thanks to their neglect. So asking for another MRI for reassurance isn’t going to happen, and I guess now I’m sat here wondering if I can take these meds.

I’ve lost the fucking plot anyway. When’s the last time I was bothered enough to eat food? Yesterday mum commented on my hands looking more skinny than usual. Eh, I didn’t even realise. Weren’t my hands always boney? That isn’t anything new. Then again, she might be right. My arms are getting skinnier.

Fuck if I have any emotions it would seem like I’m enjoying this. I’m reaching a point where I’m so numb and cut away from reality, that even eating doesn’t feel real. Like I’m separated from even needing to sustain nutrients etc. That I could simply survive without them, but obviously nobody can.

Yes all of the above sounds insane, that I’m losing the plot. I am, but I’ve still got some coherence left. The sense that if I don’t take my brain meds I’m not going to recover and if I don’t eat my body isn’t going to have the energy to fight.

I’m pushing myself towards suicide though. Really, imagine dying this way. Weakness, collapsing with exhaustion. Even my iron is low. I think. I haven’t even taken those iron pills, I can’t even ask if I still need them. My GP scares me.
When my prolactin levels shot up she didn’t even seem to care. Just said, “oh your prolactin is slightly elevated” and left me to it. I had to chase HER up to give me the results and all of a sudden she asks if I’m okay with an emergency MRI.

See? If I died she wouldn’t care. Lol. I’m just a stranger, a patient, a little money maker after all. She isn’t obligated to care. Doctors don’t have to have any empathy.

Whatever. Oh well. I’m dead. Can barely write, think or feel. Anyone remember DuringMyDarkestDays? That was me. Hello. We had some good times together. Too bad I forgot my account password back then.

I know it’s a stale question a this point, but why do people use Facebook if they’re not even going to answer their messages? It’s like that one video with that homeless guy who talks about how dozens of old friends from high school hit HIM up and then not a one responded when he invited them to his birthday lol

But not even reading your messages? Just leaving them on read for days, weeks, even months? I just don’t get it

I force myself to put on an act. The public is my stage and my friends, my family, my coworkers you are all my audience. I put on this show, I make you laugh, I leave an impression, and I mirror the same emotions. The curtains roll and I return from the show. This is when the real show begins. It is exhausting putting on this act. Because when I get home and fall into bed there is no stage and there is no audience. All that is left is me. And it is not quite entertaining when it is just me in my head. Because when it is just me in my head it is only the truth.

I suffer from this truth.

I’ve been running, for a long time, even this, in all of it’s apparent trying to deal, it’s running. As long as I must deny myself, I’m running from what I really want.

So here I am, drinking decaf coffee, looking at my vape like it owes me money, trying not to break down.

Not thinking I’m succeeding really, I tried to talk myself out of writing this, and here we are. I have no valid reason, merely hopes crushed and frustration. Yet, as I drove home earlier, I seriously thought about closing my eyes and ramming into a tree. It was delicious, just as a fantasy. I didn’t, obviously. More’s the pity. I keep digging deeper and deeper, hoping to find some ultimate evil behind all the nonsense, haven’t found it. If I could I would kill it, person, idea, whatever, anything can be obliterated.

There is no enemy, there is no item that can be brought into focus and attacked. People are just inept, incapable, utterly frustrating little bastards that make you think they could get around to being useful to others, but that’s just a clever ruse. Actually, it’s the opposite of a clever ruse; nothing intentional, intelligent, or contrived there. It is an unhelpful illusion. Just like love, and I suck at buying into the illusions.

I imagine I’m not alone in this but regardless of my mood or what is going on, I find myself thinking of how something might kill me, not in a paranoid way of being scared, but driven by a curiosity.

I recently read about a plant referred to as the suicide plant because the pain from touching it is supposed to be so bad that the victims would rather kill themselves than endure through it, to the point that horses even throw themselves off of cliffs. I wonder if that pain would be enough to make me do something drastic.

I have a small jar of mercury sitting around, this liquid metal is fascinating to play with; I wonder what it would be like to try and hold it in my mouth or if it would slip down my throat without swallowing. Though I’m pretty sure I don’t want to die that way.

I see an ad for some medication which has this list of warnings as always, this one mixed with some herb can cause your heart rate to drop dangerously low, how can I get my hands on that, it sounds peaceful.

I just take a walk and I consider whether a semi could hit me or if a cliff is high enough.

A little while ago I had a toothache and took one 10mg oxi which dropped my heart rate to the high 30 bpm range and just made me go to sleep, is that how an overdose might go because that’s not so bad.

I put a lot of thought into my chosen method because I want it to be peaceful, I want to believe it will work, and I thought it would be easy. Spoiler, goodbye is never easy.

Sorry about this random post. Lol

Hope your safe and warm out there. (:

Don’t know if anyone else here knows of, remembers, or likes this album, but they are really special for me. Lot of things happened for me around the time this album came out back then, and I didn’t really have anyone there for me. All I had was music like this. Think I’m going to take the whole story to my grave, but felt like posting this somewhere while I have the chance right now.

I work for a girl with special needs, and she made me a birthday card. Yesterday, she kept asking if I wanted anything. I said no lol
She made me a card anyway. Such a shitty day, it just isn’t now. How nice <3 🙂

It’s the first post of today, it seems late… it’s cold and lonely… I’m too scared to go back to work, i can do the job fairly well and they like me but it’s so much stress i get physically sick just thinking i have to go in. I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of being late, the hours are brutal too midnight to 10 or 11. Idk why it’s so terrifying for me it feels like anything else would be easier and i want to just quit but at the same time i have people who need me there at least to give them time to replace me but like I said it’s so terrifying for me idk what to do. I just want a low stress job where I have minimal contact with people, but when I’m almost 30 and don’t even have my ged yet my options are limited. That’s just one aspect and I’ve left out allot…but I just want to end it all.

I am falling apart and it is becoming more and more difficult to keep it together. I am in an immense amount of pain mentally, emotionally and physically. I think about how being dead will stop all of this, but I don’t want to die. But at the same time I’m incredibly weak and suffering right now. This hurts, it hurts equally I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. I want to live but I am in agony and it’s hard to keep it together. I want a little bit of relief and peace and the fact that I can’t seem to get that is driving me insane. It all hurts so much it’s hard not to break and crumble to the floor.

Ten years ago today I lost my grandma, I will miss her indefinitely. How I wish she could have been here to meet my daughter and be a part of all the memories. How I wish I could hug her just one more time. She meant so much to me and supported me through all my craziness. It was her that I always ran to for support when I needed it.
I’ll never forget and I’ll always love her.

I lost all my parent’s help at Age 23, scared shitless because i’m homeless, gonna off myself if i don’t get this job to make my life better. Might have spend some nights in the freezing cold uncomfortable in the car. Haven’t seen mail in 3 months. Skating on thin ice. Need to save like $1500 for a place. First month rent. And deposit, utilities. Pray for me that i can survive. I’m proof the poor don’t necessarily die, but go without. Most shelters are 1) full 2) shut off to the public due to Covid. Oh my birthday was the other day, all i got as a gift was 2 monsters, so i guess its something. I don’t expect to have a thanksgiving meal nor happy christmas. My family broken apart when the grandparents died and my parents been split up for a long time and of course, no gf for the holidays. I will be truly alone for the holidays, maybe my brother or cousin will keep me company..but honestly i hate life. I know its your fault for your own mistakes, but nobody ever changed my life for better. Nobody was a role model. Its just me and these cold streets

I don’t see myself being around for another year (external reason I won’t directly mention here). When I see this topic mentioned in the media it just feels me full of dread. Again and again. I’ve been spending more time with my mum lately, as I know I don’t really have much time left. This isn’t a world I can be a part of. It’s not a world I can understand.

(If something drastic changes and I like the change, I’ll change my mind)

I should try pretending being really happy. Might make my days a very tiny bit easier. Even though I’m miserable inside and everything is just horrible.

Actually…… everyone just. Beware of breadcrumming…/
~ It feels so nice to be validated / to be stabbed in the back by a dear friend/
telling you one thing with a birthday gift – catfishing people trying to cause conflict/ inciting violence against you behind your back and right after the hangout.
And keeping tabs by being nice.

It’s something when you’ve known them for a few years.

I guess I wasted my time these past 10 months.