General

I’m not going to go into what made me decide to go, or all the reasons why I should want to stay (and there is a lot to say about both) but simply want to explain what happened.

I drove for several hours to reach a secluded place with a nice, tall cliff (won’t say where). I then sat on the edge of that cliff for hours and even fell asleep (yes I fell asleep sitting on the edge of a cliff and didn’t fall). The view from the cliff was amazing and it was so quiet. The only sound was the occasional wind whipping around the rocks. It would have been a very peaceful exit.

Finally, I drove back and am not pleased with myself. I have plenty of reasons to be happy, despite something very stressful and painful recently happening, but I’m just so tired of living. I could go back, but fear I will just fail again.

ever since i was young i always planned to end my life at the age of 18. it’s been months since i turned 18 and i’m still alive. i don’t know why. there really isn’t much to live for. things have been lonely for a long time, but maybe it’s better that way. humans as long as they live will always have an emptiness inside them that will never be filled. it’s really strange. one person’s happiness is built on the misfortune of others. i hate people. i hate myself. what right do i have to feel happy? i’m just a piece of shit. i really don’t want this shitty life. everyday i think about ways of harming myself. there’s been several times where i considered just grabbing a knife and stabbing my eye. sometimes i’ll just look at all the medicine and drugs in the drawers and i’ll just want to take it all. i get hallucinations everyday. i honestly don’t even know what’s real anymore. the more i dream the more real it feels and i just can’t tell the difference between a dream and reality anymore. i’m thoroughly exhausted. i just don’t feel scared anymore. i’m going to take my life very soon. i’m at a stage where nothing will change my mind. i want to be free. i want to be forgotten. i just can’t do this anymore.

Does anyone know suicide prevention chats that don’t depend on what region you’re in? I go to ones based in USA or UK and they are always like “we are not in your region.”

All of the ones listed in the sidebar on this site are also not in my region.

I feel as though there is something very fundamental that is broken inside me, but I’m not sure what.  Everyone else is completely alien to me, it’s like they’re a different species. I can’t truly feel any connection to anyone, even those that I deeply care for and love still feel alien.  I don’t experience any positive emotions to the extent that others do, if at all. My lows are the only parts of me that I ever feel, and that’s still rare. I am filled with pain and hate, and yet I still feel so numb and empty. I hate so much about myself that I don’t even fully understand myself.  Inside my head is a constant flood of thousands of concurrent voices screaming, every one of them belonging to me.  I just want the pain to stop, but I don’t know what to do. I can’t even fully comprehend the fundamental concept of others; I can’t wrap my head around the fact that others have their own consciousness and autonomy. Even those that I love feel like high functioning automotons, and I’m simply an unwilling puppet dancing on a stage of broken glass.  I desperately want to escape this hell, but I can’t even do that. I’ve had a gun to my own head countless times, screaming and tensing every single muscle inside my body except the one single muscle that I need to finally pull that trigger, and it makes me hate myself as a coward.  I want so badly to be able to join the rest of the world and feel as though I’m not simply an outsider who is observing those around me. I want to connect, but I don’t know how and never have. Every breath is agony, as though I’m breathing nothing but shattered glass and blood.  Every thought inside my head is lost in the maelstrom of screaming.  Every moment I wake I wish to return to the dirt and sleep a dreamless sleep until the end of all days. I understand the factual idea that others think and feel, but I cannot fathom the philosophical and emotional concept of such. I wear a constant mask, because those around me cannot be allowed to view even a shred of my true pain and hatred. If they only knew, they would try to help, and it would make it so much worse. I don’t want to be acknowledged in my pain, and yet I want to scream from the mountaintops all the years of suffering that ferments inside my soul. I feel connection to nothing and nobody, not even myself. I feel like nothing but the whisper of a ghost inside a hollow shell of profaned flesh. I want to live, truly live, but I don’t know how. If I cannot live, I wish to die, but I don’t have the will to extinguish the final pitiful flame of senseless hope that prevents my one single finger from moving that one single fraction of an inch, even knowing that it would be the one thing I know can set me free from my own hell.  I cannot hurt those around me, even though I am fully unable of comprehending the emotions of others.  I am nothing but an unwilling puppet on razor wire strings, dancing on a stage of broken glass, screaming my silent scream through hollow eyes and wooden lungs.

The day I met you was my favorite. Now everyday I wish it was also my last.

Reality is often disappointing. I agree with Thanos.
Bad to the bone, a song where I can replace bad with sad so sad to the bone.

I’ve never felt love before.  Not for a single moment in my life.  I don’t regret never having felt it because it is something beyond my control.  Still, I wish I could know what it feels like.

It hurts really

Why cant I just die and get this over with. I’m outta gas and desire to do this anymore. I beg, I hope, that something will happen to end my life. I just hate this anymore…I cant continue on like this.

Everytime i hear this song it shows me of my simple innocent days before i turned into the train wreck that i am today. anytime this plays on the radio while i drive, i smirk at it. Its just an overall feel good song for me, really makes that seritonin kick in. Whats your happy song?

I hate someone that I love. The reason I hate that person is because they made me love them. Stop playing with my life god.

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Okay, this makes absolutely no sense…

Life: Stable, well paying job, home, family, toys, time.
Me: Depressed, suicidal, takes negative coping mechanisms back for relief including cutting, getting high, and drinking,  absolutely miserable, can’t focus, hates everything.

Life: Laid off the day after my 11th anniversary, jobless, unemployment screws me because I was given severance and my vacation time was paid out, away from family, no bed to call my own, barely eating because I apparently stay with people who also don’t eat regularly, little to no sleep for several reasons, selling the toys to pay for a move across country, away from everyone and everything I know all by myself for weeks with at least a month to go before I see them, missed Father’s Day, going to miss my husband and daughters birthdays, living out of a suitcase, job hunting, house hunting, car decides the starter is going to be a shithead. BARELY ANY COFFEE!
Me: Oooo, fun. Not depressed or suicidal most of the time, not cutting, not doing drugs or drinking, not zoning out of life entirely.

Seriously, I don’t even know myself anymore. I took my exit plan to work with me, I had a gut feeling I was being laid off because we had just lost a lot of work and we knew layoffs were coming, I figured I wouldn’t survive that news. I know I thrive on change, and I love big changes, but come on brain, get with the program, why do you hate what’s good for you.

I haven’t had much time to keep up with everyone here, I hope you are all doing as well as can be expected considering.

Is life worth living? should i blast myself?

I’ve been here before. Having a really bad day that ends with me in my room crying, while listening to really sad songs (usually followed by a lack of quality sleep after the depressive episode) wondering…”is life worth living? should i blast myself”? 

My day began like any other day, eating a peanut butter sandwich (yes everyday!) because it’s the most easy thing for me to prepare being depressed and mentally exhausted. Watched some YouTube, Netflix and played some music (nothing special).

Then i went to my city mall hoping to find new clothes to buy. While at it i decided to also try my luck gambling in the casino. My goal was to hopefully win €30,- to replace my broken sunglasses.

Well…it went horribly wrong and i lost allot of money (€170,- which is allot of money in my financial situation). I tried gambling in the hope i could win, buy the sunglasses and still save up most of the money i had.

Because of my chronic joblessness, gambling would often be a source of income for me… extra money i saved up out of my own pocket, would usually be spent on things such as clothes, shoes, occasional outdoor expenses like eating, until i ran out of money and then i had to depend on only €50,- a week meant to do grocery shopping (as well as buy basic self-care and cleaning products – basically i’m short on money).

As you can imagine i feel really bad! But this gambling loss only adds to other existing problems i have. It’s like the last drop of water the makes your cup spill over.

So…this is it?

Is it really happening…? am i really gonna make my departure from this world…?

With contemplating my suicide comes feelings of uncertainty…but i can say with certainty that i’m already ”getting my affairs in order” so that if i do actually commit suicide, i’ve already taken care of the things i want to take care of before leaving.

I’ve already written an suicide letter containing the usual suicide cliches, but i also wrote down my username and password to my SuicideProject account giving those close to me access to more in depth story telling as to why i was so unhappy in my life.

I also wrote down a list of songs i like and that mean allot to me, as a way to remember me. These are the types of songs i would want playing at my funeral (Songs such as: ”Sia – Chandelier”, ”Linkin Park – Numb”and ”In The End”, ”Nelly Furtado – All Good Things Come To An End”).

I’ve always had a passion for music. I thought myself how to play the guitar and piano as well as write and compose original songs. I also referenced the songs i wrote in my suicide letter, that i’m most proud of.

In the letter i explained how it would mean allot to me if someone else with a passion for music and a better singing voice than i had (my singing sucks), would take over my songs and sing it in my memory. So that the songs i wrote would not have been written for nothing.

As stated in the letter i would post those songs on my SuicideProject account aswell as sing the entire arrangement of my songs on my mobile phone which will be accessible along with the suicide letter.

''If the day comes when i commit suicide, whether it be tomorrow or not...i will at least be prepared and feel more at ease taking my own life. If you stop hearing from me after awhile, chances are i didn't make it''-. 

I dont understand why I am here if all I can do is suffer and cause damage.

Am I supposed to spend the rest of my life hoping for a new start to every day, whilst fucking up every single day by not being the best person, mother, daughter, girlfriend or friend? Am I supposed to want to hurt myself so bad every single day? Why am I here if I feel like I hate myself so much and want to be put in the fucking ground? If I have the logic that some people are bad and should just die, doesnt that include myself? I am incapable of forgiving myself and the ripples of the things I have done are now tidal waves and I cant fucking breath. I cant wait for the day when I am fucking dead. Anything is better than my reality. Dear god, please fucking kill me.

Life has become two dimensional, for lack of a better term. Its surreal and dreamlike. I definitely feel like I’m just going through the motions with no sense of purpose or direction. I recite this affirmation – ” I am guided in my every step by spirit who leads me to what I must know and do.” I’m pretty sure I believe it, maybe its because I’ve seen evidence of positive change in the past when I put my mind to creating it. But then again maybe its only me thats been responsible for it, by my actions. Regardless. Whatever. Well, its time to clock in and start the workday. Its the only thing keeping me going right now.

I always have so much to say, but now I can’t. I’ve explained myself a thousand times. May my words be as empty, as my life.