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I hate myself so much! I constantly make people suffer. I will never forguve myself for all the pain i caused. Im a fucking cancer and nobody can get rid of me. Im a parasite!
I deserve to die.
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So I was thinking about purchasing 2 bottles of Tylenol and downing all the pills with a small bottle of wine. I just wonder how quick the results will happen. I read it’s a painful way to go but I don’t know how else I would do it. I don’t own a gun and I don’t know where I would hang myself. If anyone knows that most convenient way or if my method is a good one, please let me know. Thanks
Im afraid of living
Cause my way already determined
And its not the way i want
Im afraid of living
Cause i hate being in pain and hurt
And keep crying even tho the reason to cry is gone
Im afraid of living
Im a coward
I have dream
But the dream i love is nothing to them
My dream is a trash for them
I dont want to go on
Im afraid what should i do in my next step
Just to make then happy and proud
But i just want to kill myself
I’ve got a bag of Wendy’s, some music playing in the back, I’m just chilling on my bed and yet there’s a little part of me that is unsatisfied. I have nothing missing from my life right now; I should feel 100% happy. It seems like I can never be grateful for what I’ve got. I’ll say I’m grateful but a part of me will always find a way to complain about something.
I truly feel so incrediblely helplessnto the point I don’t know what my purpose is, or if I even have one. I don’t have any motivation to do anything anymore after years of everything I love, being taken away from me. I was given multiple “second” chances to live again, but I don’t even know how to??? Why was I given them only for me to be living in misery? Nothing ever works out in my favor and I don’t know what to do to help myself out of this hole. I’m alone with no one to turn to so here I am.
My husband wants to get a tattoo. Ok not a big deal but…he wants to get a tattoo of MY NAME! Isn’t that like a rule? Don’t get your significant others name tattooed on you because things could end. And then your stuck with this name on your body “umm….yeah…..didn’t think that through” I’ve tried to talk him out of it but he insists on getting it. I really wish he wouldn’t. Anything can go wrong in a normal relationship, lets forget about adding mental problems to it. That just brings in a whole new mess of problems. I just feel like maybe…it isn’t his best choice in life. I just don’t want to fuck something up and then he’s stuck with. Because…honestly….I feel like I fucked up. What was I thinking? A person like me getting into a serious relationship and then marrying him. I feel like such a screw up. I’m me…even though I hate it and that’s not changing no matter how hard I try. 🙁
Good night, persons that i dont know huehue
Just come to share the pain feeling that sometimes i feel. Infortunily it s taking a lot of time to it appear?
And this is bad, bcs i dont feel anything else anymore. And this “pain” make me feel more alive.
I already tried to cut myself… i felt pain,but just for some time. And what i want is feel something
Well, this was what i want to share.?
If anyone already felt this or like it pls say it
And if someone want to talk, just say it
Good night again, guys?
I have been taken advantage of, because I empathise. Well, we all would have gone through this and learn a lesson at some point. But I never learn and it hurts, I don’t know how to change that part of me.
In my last post I had told about my friend who was diagnosed with some “fatal disease”, turns out it’s her imagination. I still pity her, I tried to calm her down and said I’d be there for her. I offered to fly across countries if her abusive husband wasn’t supportive. She had appendicitis and got it fixed this week. She had no insurance and asked me to send her money for the operation. I was busy at work with no time to look at my phone or even take a lunch break. She was annoyed bcz I didn’t reply for 45 mins. I understood her situation so I didn’t say a word and replied “I sent the money”. That was the last text in the conversation.
I had texted for the next 8 hrs to get to know her condition, if she was alright and stuff. She doesn’t bother to reply. I still think she must be not in a position to pick her phone, IDK. Don’t I deserve a text to have helped her in emergency or at least some one who cares?
I have been “used” by almost everyone I let in my life. Yet no one ever cares I am there for them while my tears are still unwiped.
I’m always feeling dreamy: I just listen to some lofi and zone out for hours, thinking. I want to live in a studio apartment in New York. And there would be a little window overlooking the lights, and I’m just smoking weed w/ a friend or my girl on the bed, just talking about life. Life could be beautiful… I still think it is, I just can’t find it right now.
If they don’t see your worth, leave.
Been told that before but I’m stuck here anyway. Someone just told me that I am being paid less than what I should be. Didn’t think of it before but now I could never agree less. Is it wrong to keep doing this even though my income does not worth all the exhaustion and sacrifices I make?
I’m fucked up, I can only smile at this one. I just want to let all this out. I want to complain but I’m too much of a ***** and my mind’s telling me to just go with it bec they’ll know somehow that I deserve more.
Im just too tired
(Please read till the end) The title was meant to make me laugh. I have randomly been so tired and unmotivated. I haven’t been eating as much lately, which is weird because just last week I had been heavily indulging in Jack in the Box. This random week of depression came out of nowhere and I don’t know why. I am disappointed in myself because for a while, I was really motivated, I was working out twice a day, listening to positive audios, focusing on doing what I have to do to start my career. But all week, all I have done is sleep in. I work graveyards so the only meal I eat is something small before work and a snack during work. When I am home I’ll watch Netflix for a few hours and then sleep all the way until it is time to get ready for work. I totally miss a whole day with anyone at home.
The other night my mom told me, “You remind me of someone… You remind me of the old Richard.” That was her subtle way of asking me if I am feeling depressed. When she said that all I thought was, “Holy shit that is true.” I need to change my habits!
I now only come here solely to get things off my chest. Before it used to be that I was seeking advice, or attention, or someone to tell me to keep pushing forward or not to kill myself. I have gotten good at learning how to get myself out of these pits. I am just now realizing my recent habits and will now respond to them.
So if getting this off my chest helps me, I’d also like to help you.
If you are in a bad place right now or have been for a while, please, change your habits. Take it from someone who said fuck therapy, I’m doing this shit on my own. If you have a habit of listening to sad music, stop doing that. Delete all your sad playlists, delete that playlist that reminds you of him or her, delete that playlist that ‘relates so much to how you feel.’ Fuck that music, it is not helping. And don’t start listening to happy music either. “What am I supposed to listen to?” Listen to audios. Listen to Podcasts. Listen to guided meditations. I am not telling you to become spiritual or ‘woke.’ Meditation helps to clear your mind and put your mind into a better energy. I recommend listening to lectures by Alan Watts. Just search his name on youtube and choose one that interests you. If that is not your thing, listen to speakers with a story. My favorite speaker to listen to is Les Brown. He has an amazing story and upbringing. If you feel that someone to sympathize with you is not what you need, I recommend listening to Andy Frisella. He is more of a “I don’t give a shit what you are going through, you need to do this” kind of guy. He also created the 75Hard challenge, so if you want some sort of program to take yourself out of what you are going through right now, I highly recommend reading what that challenge is and some testimonials to encourage you to try it out.
If you have a habit of staying indoors watching Netflix or playing games all day, change that. Limit how much Netflix you watch or how much time you play games. Give yourself tasks during the day and make games/Netflix the reward for completing those tasks. Set small goals like clean your room, organize your desk, go for a walk, etc.
Make exercise a habit. It will definitely change your mentality and emotions. Don’t just immediately spend 2 hours in the gym and run miles everyday, but take it slow. Do what you know you can do on day 1 and as you become conditioned, do more and more.
Accept the past. Too many of us are living in the past, I know. But accept that what happened in the past happened for a reason. Whatever situation you are in right now is a reflection of how you respond to events in your past. I understand for some, they might have had a traumatic past, but that is in the past. Don’t let your past remain in your head for you to define what your life now should be as a result of your past. Your life today is a result of your mind today. If in your head you tell yourself that you are good for nothing, should not be here, or you will never stop feeling depressed; guess what? You will always believe that. Start waking up and telling yourself today will be a better day because I will be productive, I will identify bad habits and change them, and I will work towards not putting myself down. What you think about, you bring about.
Realize that you have to start making tough decisions. You have been too comfortable doing whatever it is you convinced yourself is acceptable behavior to cope with your depression. If someone in your life (or used to be in your life) is still causing you pain, remove them from your life. If you depend on someone or something for comfort, yet they/it is detrimental to your mental health, remove that from your life. Tell yourself, I need to move on because I want to get better. Get rid of certain mementos from past relationships or memories.
If you are in any way religious or believe in some higher power, know that what has happened and what is happening is happening for a reason. Whether you believe in God or some energy in the Universe, know that there is some purpose and meaning to why you are here. That is for you to discover through whatever means. Whether that be through meditation, spiritual awakening, new formed hobbies, or someone you will one day meet. Have faith that something is coming for you. In the meantime, work on yourself. There is a reason you stumbled on this post and read this far.
But if you don’t believe in a higher power or “things happening for a reason” then guess what. You are the way you are because of what you think of yourself, what you feel of yourself, and what you continue to allow for yourself. The problem is you. There is two versions of you, and the you that is so negative and self-diminishing only has power because you consciously and unconsciously given that negative you the power to win. You need to consciously give the positive version of you power before you begin to subconsciously give yourself positive energy. There is power in positive thinking and if you don’t believe that that is because the negative subconscious has led you to believe that. Read What to say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter.
Another thing that has become a hobby of mine that makes me feel joy and peace is hiking. I love hiking through the woods where it is quiet and peaceful. Where I can empty my mind and enjoy what beauty nature has to offer. Or even hiking up a mountain and getting a view of how vast things can really be. It sets a perspective of how small and insignificant we are in this world. How we are only here for, what 70-80 years? And I wasted 5 years pitying myself and feeling sorry for myself. How do I want to live the remainder of my life?
You can always seek outside help through means of therapy, support groups, friends/family you trust, or even this website. But what has helped me is the idea that “I can help myself get out of this mess. I am responsible for every action I take and what I think of myself. If I can change my physical and mental habits, I can change and better myself.” But you need to commit to that idea and believe that it will work for you. I can say that it has helped for me, but you need to believe it will work for you. Not hope it will, believe it will. Seeing is not believing. First you must believe it, then you will see it.
After typing this out for you (and for me) I feel pumped and motivated. I promise to you reading this that tomorrow I will end my week with a productive day. I feel a lot better and I hope this helps you. I want to thank user likeastone for their kind words. Sometimes when I am feeling down, I go back to your comment and it motivates me. It pucks me up when I am down. I am grateful I was able to help you. And also to my old friend on here, littlebread, I still think of you. I hope you are feeling better and I hope things are going good.
To whoever made it this far, I wish you the very best. 🙂
“I can feel myself dissolving, but I’m too tired to care… this music is nice, I’ll just lay here for a bit.”
I dunno. I can’t tell anyone I know about how I feel because they don’t take it seriously. I don’t blame them; imagine being a teenager and a friend tells you that they don’t want to live anymore. It would be stressful. I don’t want my burdens to be on others, and I am going to therapy, but I just wish I had a friend who understood that I just want to talk and chill about feelings and meaningless bullshit. I don’t need the same old, sappy line or those things that everyone says because they don’t know what to say: Suicide is a heavy word. “You have so much to live for,” is a common thing I hear if I confide in someone. The thing is, I want to take my life because I feel like I have nothing to live for.
when the feeling comes back on me the world turns into a grey meaningless place. but when i feel well the world is truly beautiful, flawed but beautiful, bright and filled with colors. do i deserve to be in a place like this? absolutely not, but i’ll try to stay to observe the beauty, before i feel like shit again and the colors fade away.
i pretty much have had enough with life. about a month ago i got discharged from the psych ward, which was complete hell. and now i think i have move on and put an end to this madness. for the last 10 plus yrs. i have been waiting for a change and here i am, and nothing has changed. me ending my life is the only way out of this madness. thats the message i keep on receiving.
long story short, this ends sometime between now & December 2019. im not holding out to see if things gets better (cause i know it wont) i just want to enjoy the remaining months with my family. i want some warm thoughts of them before i make a hasty exit from this sick disgusting planet im forced to live in.
im so sick of waking up to this world every single morning. enough is enough
Young lady finds her husband and get her passport for a higher class lifestyle. I must be just another useless, lunatic person that has appeared in her life, and since my lifestyle isn’t that interesting, so why keep me in her social circuit, right? Oh, I hope that little wifey is very happy living in her mediocre marital servitude, cleaning the house all day long, making dinner for the hubby, 21st housewife, what a bore! I think we’re definitely too much different to be even just friends.
I’ve been feeling pretty good for a few months now, but I feel like my happiness isn’t justified enough for me to be glad that I’m happy. I personally feel like I’m a shit person and that I don’t deserve happiness. And I don’t feel “right” being happy. I feel like when I’m sad and depressed that’s the truest version of me. So starting today, I’m going to stop taking my medications.
You know that feeling you get when you just want to walk and walk until your feet ache and you feel like you’re home? It’s like a feeling that nags at you constantly, it makes you feel helpless and it makes you just want to lay on the floor and listen to sad music. It’s like a… constant feeling of shame and self-loathing; for no reason. I feel like I’m crumbling; spiraling down into pure apathy.
I just want to feel at peace, I want to feel good. Though, my mum is getting a shit ton of alcohol before school starts because I insisted on having “one last night of fun before school starts.” We both laughed, and she agreed. I’m gonna get fucking blasted: Thank god for drinks. I’m a loser and my self-loathing is so low that I’ll fuck with my brain development for a moment of bliss. If I had access to drugs, you bet your ass I would be doing them. Well, school is starting and there’s a bunch of druggies in my school. Maybe I can ask for a favor.