General

Hi all. Anyone here who remembers me? Used to come here alot back in the day. That in the title used to be my username but I don´t like it anymore. I still am quite pathetic but calling yourself pathetic is REALLY pathetic. That means that every time you call yourself pathetic you are actually right. Think about that. But its a cyclic definition, a definition that defines itself, which by logic is wrong. I think depression in general is a lot like that. A cycle, loophole logic error in the brain that creates itself and justifies itself. That is why I think it´s hard to give advise to people with depression. It´s like “just better yourself bro”, “just believe in yourself”, “just hit the gym bro”… And they are actually RIGHT! But they don´t realize that someone in depression is not capable of seeing that. Of seeing out of their logic-loop. I think the important thing is to realize that breaking out of the loop does not happen suddenly. It is a slow process of spiraling outwards. I know this is just a generic cliché mumbo-jumbo that everyone already knows but its true. Just as true as “just hit the gym bro”. If you red this corny shit all the way through I got even more corny homework for you. Go look in the mirror, look deep into your eyes and say one nice thing about yourself OUT LOUD. Ofc you dont have to do it if you think it´s silly. I am no one to tell you what to do in your life. But if anything it wont hurt or kill you I suppose.

EDIT: I think its fking dumb AF too. and I dont really like myself tbh. but im gonna do my homework now coz I dont wanna be a hypocrite. If u think Im retarded I agree.

Interesting to me how anticipation and fear are essentially the same emotion; terror. Notably artist Andy Warhol of Campbell’s  Tomato Soup painting fame was considered a “holy terror” by his contemporaries. He outraged, everybody was on pins and needles to see what he might do next.

I digress because even writing about this hurts. For two weeks I have known about what is coming in the morning, a scant eleven hours from when I write this; someone important is coming into town; my four up boss. Explaining – I have a supervisor, who gets the final word about what I do. Her supervisor directs the entire county we work in. The person her supervisor is supervised by is the one I meet tomorrow. The meeting is about the county director. Okay, not officially, but the rumor mill indicates so, however reliable that might be.

Let me clarify; up to now my largest problem has been our county director. She changes signals with the wind, and even when she intends to be kind comes off abrasive. I have been certain for the last four months (which is my entire tenure in this department) that if I lost my job, it would be due to this person and not due to my actual competence. Half of the team that was there when I was hired are gone now, and every one of them has implicated the county director in their departure.

Just so you understand my position in the totem pole; There is no one lower status in our organization. They can fire me because they dislike me for another eight months. Further, multiple superiors have indicated to me that I may have some sort of advancement potential, which I put on the line tomorrow when I speak my mind to the big boss.

On the other hand, I came this close to killing myself this prior wednesday. I’m not telling anyone I work with about it, but it was because I felt humiliated, frustrated, impotent in my career. In the end I decided that if this meeting does not go well, I’ll be transferring elsewhere at my earliest oppertunity. Hence, my desire to protect my career, yet somehow in this mess I have to find comfort, calm. I don’t know where it is. The only comfort I have is that tomorrow will end as well, and in 24 hours this will be behind me.

Last night, my parents were yelling at each other and I heard it all because my room is directly over where they were (they were downstairs either in the laundry room or in the bedroom next to the laundry room) and I just needed them to shut the fuck up because I was getting really triggered and I knew that I would have an anxiety attack after so right then and there, I put on my airpods and BLASTED music so their voices would drown out for me (it worked and I thankfully didn’t have an anxiety attack). I’m kinda scared they won’t be able to figure out and work out their shit and they’ll divorce but I’m hoping they’ll work it out eventually. It’s officially now a complete shit-show…!

Where’s everyone gone? Anyone know of other sites like this one?

Oldies playing in the car but you are in a dream (1930’s City road trip w/ cars passing 3 HOURS ASMR – YouTube

i knew it was coming
i felt the urge to cut again
and i tried so hard to keep it in
to distract myself
but i couldn’t
and as i sit here with blood gushing out my leg
i feel like im where i belong
that this is what i deserve
what they all want from me
are you happy now?

i spent a few hours on this site looking at posts as much as 10 years old. if someone posted something optimistic, especially if they said they found help and things were looking good, then i would look at their follow up posts. in every case, they come back sometimes years later saying they’re back at rock bottom. this site is an interesting time machine and bullshit detector. im sure they meant it at the time but IN EVERY CASE they always come back saying life gets worse. the only sucess stories seem to be the ones who say theyre gonna kill themselves and then they never post again. success in terms of getting what they want. rip lucky bastards

You guys ever have good days?

I went to the hospital to see if my thoughts for not existing are true and one thing i remember is a theripist there told us we are the ceo of ourselves so that means we can close up and shutdown when we want to and then i was helping someone to pay for rent and he got mad because i wasnt right in the head at the time and i kept fantasizing about putting my neck in the saw blade so i stopped to try to fix my head space (the stuff being cut wasnt needed for another month and it would only take an hour max) he told me its his business what happens and nobody elses so i thought my life is my business and nobody elses

Not suicide related

I really really really really want to be gone. You know you’ve got no purpose and no point in life when you feed your money into a poker machine over and over again.
Or play keno all day.
Sorry don’t mean to boast about money here. At this rate I’ll soon have none anyway.
Can’t help but think that the people working where I gamble think I’m the biggest idiot ever (here is a fact though: workers in such places are not allowed to comment on individual gamblers. Workers have been sacked for telling gamblers that they are addicted, another was sacked for telling a guy to spend the money on wedding/gift related things, and not throw his winnings back into the poker machine)

I hate this so much. Hate hate hate hate hate. Many have offed themselves during coronavirus restrictions/lockdowns. Misery is all I know! Wish I was dead!!!

Meh.

Sorry 🙁

The first time I wore make-up, my great aunt looked at me and said, ” >:( You look like a damned prostitute”
I was 8, and I’m sure I did…- what gets me is how long I sat there and argued that I wasn’t wearing make-up at all.. I wore the appearance of a dead-clown carcass- a real-life Joan Rivers. I really lost that argument. For shame!

Breaking into my mom’s crap for the first time… Forgot about Cheryl.

thank you for your service —-

Does anyone have any advice or tips for hiding cuts. I really dont want anyone to see them and get any more worried. All I do now is wear long sleeved shirts. I shaved my wrists and its pretty obvious so sometimes people pull it down to see how much i shaved i guess? or whatever other reason they have. Maybe there is no advice for this and Im just awaiting the inevitable. this sucks. hope whoever reads this is doing ok.

Finals are comming. Like everything its a lose lose scenario. If i fail the finals Im just a piece of shit and a total burden to anyone, parasyte sucking off my parents at 21 years of age with no results. If I pass nothing changes and my shitlife continues and Im gonna spend another minimum 3 years in this house till I finish college IF IT GOES WELL. Fking bright future!

I had nightmares last night after long time (I smoke pounds of weed daily so no dreams anymore usually). I was very depressed today. Cried at one point. I would like a girl to hug me. Pathetic indeed. Im not even ugly, just weak minded person, no selflove in me.

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to be happy, healthy and productive? And not depressed af, a non-productive mess, and well…us?