General

I’ve had suicidal thoughts my entire life. I don’t think I’ve ever gone a day without thinking about death, or wanting to die. But it’s usually been pretty manageable, at least to the point where I wasn’t making drastic steps towards killing myself. But that’s changed. Really changed.

I had an episode in March, right when the Coronavirus began implementing into our world. I was on a choir trip and had to come home early because it was too dangerous. And it was like the second I got back into my hometown, I’d fallen into a deep, overreaching sleep. One that I couldn’t wake out of so easily. I was terrified.

My depression had never reached this level before. I sat in my bathroom, washing my clothes just to be sure I didn’t bring home the virus with me. I stared at a pair of scissors I sometimes impulsively cut my split ends with. And I so desperately wanted to use it on my skin. But I held myself back.

This episode didn’t last too long, maybe a week. I sat on my boyfriends floor and went through the internet looking up methods of suicide, and stories. Everything I could. I felt so far from myself in that moment. I went home and watched suicide short films, one of which made me cry so hard I had to hold my stomach. I was so lost in this mindset that I couldn’t think about anything else.

But then a couple of days later, after I’d went to my boyfriend with these thoughts, he said something to convince me that I had a reason to live. And it worked.

But that reason isn’t working anymore.

I’m terrified of how much I don’t care anymore. It’s not like last time. This is so much worse. I’ve deleted all my social media, I’ve developed a plan. I’ve been stocking up on pills, researching all around the internet for information. I’m trying so, so hard to find a reason to stay. I’ve gone to every option for help that I can. Nothing is working. I’m running out of time. And I just don’t know what to do.

I need some drastic help because a week from now I might not be here. A week from now I might by lying breathless on my bathroom floor.

And I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it.

Haven’t cut myself for a year and a half until yesterday.

I feel so lost right now, like I’m in a dark place filled with water and I’m drowning.

I really thought I was healing. . . that I was doing just fine, but somehow the demons started to crawl back into my head pulling me deeper.

I tried to climb back up, trying to pull myself together, but my shoulders are too heavy that I keep on sinking unto the ocean floor.

I’m drowning.

and I need help.

My head feels like exploding. The people who have wronged me act like nothing has happened and the person who cheated on me defends to death the other person she was cheating on. Frankly she was the only thing that was left to me. I lost my closest friends, I lost my mother and now this latest thing where I find out my fiance was cheating. Life just constantly shits on me. I just want peace. I don’t want to suffer anymore

I can count and I do it right all four Digits.

She is not alive Inside me, Love fills my missing Parts.

ICU been crowded, filled by myself with Voice in Pain.

Screaming over an over her Name and what it took, reflect again.

I sensed dying too often, can‘t trust, seeks no spark or joy.

Just she, me and ours in Interaction known and a couple of us from the flux pushed apart.

I really want my heart to finally stop beating. It’s already struggling to beat. “Only the good die young.” Well, I’m not good, and I’m going to die young. I’m in my twenties. I originally joined SP back in 2013. I was such a different person then. I was still good. It wasn’t too late for me. Now, it’s far too late. I’ve never had access to a good method, or else I would’ve killed myself years ago. If I had it my way, I would’ve killed myself at the age of twelve; that’s how old I was when thoughts of suicide first entered my mind. I’m nothing but a curse, so of course I couldn’t do my mother the favor of killing myself back then! Instead, I put her through years of watching helplessly as her child got worse and worse. She never deserved to be cursed with a child like me. All I’ve ever done was exist. Well, I’ve made sure that I’ll never get the chance to actually live! I truly hope 2020 will be the year of my death. I just know I’m going to have such a painful death; I certainly don’t deserve it to be painless! I’ll find out sooner rather than later…

– Monster

(Post 1 of ?)

What’s the point posting in this site when you’re just rambling and no one replies? I’ve definitely noticed a drop in the comments from the last time I was in here. That’s either a good thing or a bad thing.

When thinking about the various ways I could end my life none of them seem particularly appealing. I think it’s more of a fear of trying and not being successful and knowing you will have to wake up and face all the same thoughts again. I guess it comes down to a choice between my head and my heart. My ego is like go on do it but my in my heart I know I don’t want too. I think so far jumping off a building would probably be the method I would pick. It’s weird talking about this openly and honestly. Not like a single person I ever tried to talk to gave a single shit. I will keep researching the different ways. It feels good in some ways because I feel like I’m taking control finally. What stings that little bit more is when you hear people say think of your family and friends because I don’t have anyone.

I was catfished once. It was scarring and disturbing, to say the least. Sad, how insecure. I would’ve suggested therapy to her, to maybe work on accepting her physical and mental flaws… Because obviously, she had mental health issues nobody else could fix… But I was too busy looking for a phone to call the police.

Not fun at 7 am…

~2014~

Im guessing she was going through other things, because she shaved her head while all of this was happening. Manipulative people never win.

Not to say I hate anyone on here. Just venting about a chick that threatened to stab me with an aids needle, wjere at the time she lived with someone who had HIV.

When you realise that people you care about are actually against you. They want to know what’s going on in your life but not for the right reasons. Some people like to compete and play games. 29 years of having to endure relationships where people take and play mind games. I literally have no body I can talk to because none of them really wish me well. It won’t matter soon. The more I let go of these things the more I realise there is nothing to fear from being alone. I can feel and act however I like. I just pray that one day I just find the strength and courage to finally end everything. I feel trapped in a space of not wanting to live and not wanting to kill myself. I can’t see any other escape from all this shit other than realeasing my soul. I have tried to fight but with no real family or friends there are only much I can do to push through. I know it’s better to be alone so when I finally decide to go through with it I don’t have to answer to anyone or be judged. I don’t want to do this on a whim needs to be perfectly planned so that everything goes well. Fuck friends and family they where.neber there for me when I needed them anyway.

I have a virus in my mind. If I could just let it go, then things would be so much easier. But I can’t seem to. A part of my brain is fixated on pointless unhealthy delusions. It’s almost a religious conviction at this point. If I could just have these impossible things, then everything would be ok. Land of milk and honey. But I can’t. And it wouldn’t.

But knowing that rationally doesn’t change how I feel. It’s been over 13 years now, and I’m still fixated on this shit. No matter what I do to distract myself or focus on other things, I always get pulled back to it. It’s at my core.

Like I said, it’s a religion. There’s no rationality there. No evidence. In fact there’s a whole bunch of contrary evidence showing that it would be a really bad idea to go down that road. And yet I somehow ‘know’ that it would make life meaningful again. Even though it wouldn’t. It would make everything worse.

I am addicted to a fantasy. An idea. A really bad idea. And no matter how much I reason with myself, it will not fade. I torment myself over it. I both hate myself for it and love it simultaneously.

It’s ridiculous how someone could become so twisted up in themselves. Freud would honestly have a field day.

I should kill myself, morally speaking. It would be the honorable thing to do. I’m far too corrupted to ever be able to live any kind of decent life. But I doubt I’d ever do it. My sick brain is far too attached to tormenting itself.

im that one person that everyone secretly hates but no one has the heart to tell me to fuck off.
lol anyway

It’s cold tonight.

this isnt really a rant but rather a question.

i want to change my personality so badly. i’m the most annoying person you’ll ever meet and it hurts badly when people yell at me for being so annoying and talkative. like i’m so insecure about it. how can i be less annoying? i’ve tried everything and tried to be less annoying but it just doesn’t work.

All I think about is killing myself. All day I fantasize about dying or how I will kill myself. I don’t even feel sad that much anymore just numb. It’s the worst feeling to feel nothing at all.