General

Sure I’ve had ups and downs, been various levels of depressed, very depressed and suicidal. But the last 9mo has been hell. Well the last few years has been hell too but it’s getting worse and worse. I can’t even distract myself with music and movies anymore. Going through lists of movies and it’s all “eh.”

I hate this. I hate my life. I hate that I hate everything and feel NO fucking joy in anything anymore. In the past, I’d at least enjoy SOME things like movies, music, food, a nice breeze, etc.

I’m so cursed. I can’t […]

Some people suggest that after we die, most choose to come back. If it really works like that, I dont think Im coming back. I want this to be my final life.

You can’t even pull in to the drive-thru in Mc’Donalds without a junky panhandling. I was one car behind where you place the order and out of nowhere a junky appeared. “Any change for a hostel mate?”  Said the junky. ” I wouldn’t give you the steam off my piss” I said. ” No need to be like that mate” said the junky.  I decided to call his bluff. ” I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll get you a cheeseburger” I said. ” to tell you the truth mate, I could use a few quid instead” said the junky. I had to admire the […]

The delusions seem so real sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if any of it is true. But it makes no sense. And if it IS true, we’re all screwed. Well most of us anyway. But that’s something I’m not willing to talk about. I’d love to write a book about it. But i am not sure where to start because it’s all fragments at this point.

I say this because I’m not very happy at the moment. And I’ve been talking to myself like soliloquy a lot. I don’t know why I am schizophrenic. I don’t know why I’m so dumb. I don’t know why people want […]

I wish I could go back to s*********.com. Felt nice having a chatroom. I noticed that more businesses were regulating what I need. Prices rising, too. The bastards.

So the other week I went to get food (unsuccessfully) and had to walk a bit. Saw a storefront called “The Cutting Room.” It was dark and closed (night time) so I didn’t know what is, but my immediate thought was cutting/SH or cutting/butchering place. Turns out “The Cutting Room” was just a haircut place. But funny how my first and second thoughts are so damn dark O_o

I mean it’s not funny but how are we supposed to be all sunshine and roses when we instinctively think certain thoughts? It’s not as if I haven’t TRIED to change my thoughts. […]

What can I do to “cope” with the shit life I can’t seem to escape from? So far, the only thing I can do is stuff my face and feel good for a few minutes, then go back to feeling like shit bc all that does is get me fat and I do not want to be fat.

I USED to exercise like mad, 3hrs a day every other day, and that worked beautifully bc it released my pent up anger. But obviously I can’t do that now. I’m physically fucked so now just walking hurts- something as simple as walking a few […]

It pisses me off that everyone says that shit. NO, there are many things that you just don’t forget or are able to “get over.” First of all, it’s not a choice. NO ONE wants to be traumatized nor do we want to be mentally screwed up over shit that’s happened in the past.

Like say for example a girl gets raped. Do you tell her to “just get over it” bc it’s “the past”? FFS

People who say that are shitty uncaring people, and have NEVER experienced trauma or horrendous things. If they did, they’d know that it’s not easy […]

I can’t believe /the woman I was thinking of/ was behind a podium advocating for mental health, donating to big charities, writing essays, hugging kids, holding group sessions, “healing the world”… I wonder what other victims have gone through… It’s just so odd…  Maybe she’s only “Mental health guru” when she’s in a good mood. That’s not genuine.

Nothing she did was okay. I deserve better than the treatment I received. Never let anyone tell you that you don’t matter as a person. You deserve better than that. Like me.

I reached out over this. I feel better hearing this from an expert on narcissism.

I asked my best friend yesterday if he knew I suffered from depression. He said I might have mentioned it in passing. This sounds about right – i tend to mention when I’m doing well that I suffer, to let people know I understand. I get the impression people usually don’t believe me because I don’t ‘look’ like I’m depressed in the moment. When I am depressed, I tend to hide and not let anyone see it. But I’ve always wondered, maybe I’m not so good at hiding as I think I am? Maybe some people figured it out. But he told me I seemed […]

(I am aware that these are not new, interesting, or smart thoughts)

I think the most meaningful realization I’ve ever had was that nobody on this planet knows anything. People just live and die. By knowing things, I mean having a clue about life, having a broader understanding of purpose and things like that. Non-mentally ill people had me tricked, because I always thought that they had things figured out. But in reality, its just that they never needed to figure anything out, after all, theres that concert on Saturday that they’re excited to go to.

Sometimes to reinforce this belief in my brain, I ask myself […]

i wish i had a person who knew nothing about me at all, but someone i could tell even my darkest secrets to just so i can get it out. someone who i will bever have to see in real life but be able to tell them every darkest detail because i hate not being able to tell people anything

I feel so much pain from this. Why is this woman and her people so mean to me? I don’t understand.

3:56 and on, “Ashley, you’re so effing ugly. Did I?” Where she says my work’s name and says go eff yourself. They change that one sometimes, too. Just, with more mean insults. I want to die sometimes. This makes me feel like giving up. She once told me to drink poison on the end of that song for expressing how I felt about it. Depressed, suicidal. It’s crazy to think someone advocating for mental health would do any of that. I feel better about this. […]

I have found a sizable lump where there shouldnt be. I dont want to make assumptions, and I still have to see a medical professional somehow (uninsured). Maybe its not so serious. But still. The thought has crossed my mind that maybe it is what I think it is. If it is, I cant afford to treat it. And strangely, that fate fills me with a certain calmness. Weight off my shoulders.
Im ahead of myself though. I need to see a doctor somehow.

This is probably going to be me screaming into the void again. It was always going to be, I thought about screaming it into the void of my actual life… and the part of me that’s a brand manager wasn’t cool with that. I’ll never be a brand manager for anyone but myself, but I’m the only brand manager I can afford. That might be sadder than what I’m here to talk about. Leaving that right there.

but I could have been more than this. Not a lot more, in fact something so sad and awful I never thought I’d regret not being it. I could […]

I’m broken. I’m unsure if I can really be fixed. I’m hurt and broken and miserable by the day. I’m the rot that I created of myself, made of broken bits of my rotten pathetic self. All there is, is constant hurting. A constant hell. And what if, say, it never stops? Because I’m starting to believe, and becoming terrified of, this being truly neverending. I’m never going to get out of my head. Away from these thoughts. And I read so many things from people saying the same, it doesnt ever really stop. It just pretends to for awhile. Then you’re stuck waiting for […]

Today felt better than yesterday. I did some lawn work and laundry. Idk why I’m having highs and lows, but it feels like a rollercoaster. Wish I had more hours at work, too.

Pros? Cons?

Why do I keep myself alive? One of two things happens. Either I try something, end up in a psych ward, get released to impossible medical bills Ill never afford because of the psych ward stay, get depressed all over again and cycle endlessly through all of that. -OR- I just sit with everything miserably and fight it through to the natural end of my life just so that everyone else doesnt have to suffer as I have.
I have just fucked everything in my life up. I had no sense in high school that […]

Imagine a world where everyone who truly wanted to suicide could. That’s never going to happen in reality bc there’s too much money to be made in keeping other humans sick and depressed and indentured servants to our corporate overlords.

But suppose it was allowed. Old ppl who are terminal and dying wouldn’t have to suffer the last few years of life. And it’s going to be ALL of us, minus a few who are able to end our lives beforehand. It’s so insane to me that the severely ill still can’t die quicker and be allowed to end their […]