General

I feel really bad about what I thought about it.  I shouldn’t have said those things about her, I shouldn’t have even bothered saying hello, and maybe this mess would’ve never happened. I felt like I needed more. I was so insecure. It’s so bad. If I could take back what I said, I would. What she’s been through… The her being constantly cheated on in the past/ betrayed and me being an insistent prick and pissed off over virtually nothing. I sort of became someone I wasn’t by thinking of every insult imaginable and what not. I hate feeling it and letting go was so hard.

Nobody knows the shit I’ve done to myself nobody will see nobody will come nobody will know anything there’s something inside me pull me out of my skin I want to die I want to die I can’t hear anything I can’t remember anything I can’t I hate myself I hate myself I hate I hate I hate I hate I wanted to say something nobody cares nobody in the world will accept me I can’t go anywhere the world has abandoned me and I just have to make it on my own over and over again my head is fucked I’ve gone insane a long time ago end it for me end it for me I want to die I want to die I want to die I need to die I want to die I can’t I don’t deserve anything there’s nothing more of a.privilege to be normal there’s nothing more I want to be normal the luck the happiness what’s happiness I’m tired of faking it I’m tired of keeping everhjbg in my head I’m going crazy I’m going to die crying doesn’t release anything I need to strangle myself but the weather isn’t cold enough for me to wear high necks all the time I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die there’s nobody deserves nobody deserve their happiness why me god why I want to say help me but nobody can and I can’t save myself I can’t I can’t I can’t all I do is hide it in my head until I feel like this I want to die god god god god god I’m only so young why me how is it going to be like when I’m older help help but I don’t deserve help I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die the world is a blur but I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t don’t come don’t come I don’t want anyone to know but it hurts so much if does I can’t say anything I don’t want to see the doctor I don’t want to take medicine I don’t want to have the notmality I’ve faked all this time to be taken away Lock me up in a psychiatric hospital I cabt I can’t kill myself I don’t want them to cry I don’t want to be seen as the coward god I don’t deserve anything nobody deserves to be happy I hate it I hate how superior they are I hate how jealous I feel they’ll never know that I’m like this pray for me there’s something stuck in my throat my head is killing me I can’t I can’t does that make me less of a person if I don’t slit my wrist or attempt suicide for real I don’t want to ruin this I don’t want to do something wrong again why do they compare why do I compare my head is killing me god doesn’t exist nobody is coming and I’ll wake up in the morning not recognizing one word I’ve wrote until I break absolutely the fuck down like this again

Why am I me, me? Why are you, you? Why is my life the way it is like it’s a predestined path? Why is yours the way it is? Why do I feel stuck regarding some things and I don’t have people in my life who understand and see things as I do?

Well, there was this movie I seen one time
About a man riding ’cross the desert and it starred Gregory Peck
He was shot down by a hungry kid trying to make a name for himself
The townspeople wanted to crush that kid down and string him up by the neck

Well, the marshal, now he beat that kid to a bloody pulp
As the dying gunfighter lay in the sun and gasped for his last breath
“Turn him loose, let him go, let him say he outdrew me fair and square
I want him to feel what it’s like to every moment face his death”

Well, I keep seeing this stuff and it just comes a-rolling in
And you know it blows right through me like a ball and chain
You know I can’t believe we’ve lived so long and are still so far apart
The memory of you keeps calling after me like a rolling train

I can still see the day that you came to me on the painted desert
In your busted down Ford and your platform heels
I could never figure out why you chose that particular place to meet
Ah, but you were right. It was perfect as I got in behind the wheel

Well, we drove that car all night into San Anton’
And we slept near the Alamo, your skin was so tender and soft
Way down in Mexico you went out to find a doctor and you never came back
I would have gone on after you but I didn’t feel like letting my head get blown off

Well, we’re driving’ this car and the sun is coming’ up over the Rockies
Now I know she ain’t you but she’s here and she’s got that dark rhythm in her soul
But I’m too over the edge and I ain’t in the mood anymore to remember the times
When I was your only man
And she don’t want to remind me. She knows this car would go out of control

Brownsville girl with your Brownsville curls
Teeth like pearls shining like the moon above
Brownsville girl, show me all around the world
Brownsville girl, you’re my honey love

Well, we crossed the panhandle and then we headed towards Amarillo
We pulled up where Henry Porter used to live. He owned a Wreckin’ lot outside of town about a mile
Ruby was in the backyard hanging clothes, she had her red hair tied back. She saw us come rolling up in a trail of dust
She said, “Henry ain’t here but you can come on in, he’ll be back in a little while

Then she told us how times were tough and about how she was thinking’ of
Bumming a ride back from where she started
But ya know, she changed the subject every time money came up
She said, “Welcome to the land of the living dead”
You could tell she was so broken hearted
She said, “Even the swap meets around here are getting pretty corrupt”

“How far are y’all going?” Ruby asked us with a sigh
“We’re going all the way ’till the wheels fall off and burn
’Til the sun peels the paint and the seat covers fade and the water moccasin dies”
Ruby just smiled and said, “Ah, you know some babies never learn”

Something about that movie though, well I just can’t get it out of my head
But I can’t remember why I was in it or what part I was supposed to play
All I remember about it was Gregory Peck and the way people moved
And a lot of them seemed to be looking’ my way

Well, they were looking for somebody with a pompadour
I was crossing’ the street when shots rang out
I didn’t know whether to duck or to run, so I ran
“We got him cornered in the churchyard,” I heard somebody shout

Well, you saw my picture in the Corpus Christi Tribune. Underneath it
It said, “A man with no alibi”
You went out on a limb to testify for me, you said I was with you
Then when I saw you break down in front of the judge and cry real tears
It was the best acting I saw anybody do

Now I’ve always been the kind of person that doesn’t like to trespass
But sometimes you just find yourself over the line
Oh if there’s an original thought out there, I could use it right now
You know, I feel pretty good, but that is not saying’ much. I could feel a whole lot better
If you were just here by my side to show me how

Well, I’m standing’ in line in the rain to see a movie starring Gregory Peck
Yeah, but you know it’s not the one that I had in mind
He’s got a new one out now, I don’t even know what it’s about
But I’ll see him in anything so I’ll stand in line

You know, it’s funny how things never turn out the way you had ’em planned
The only thing we knew for sure about Henry Porter is that his name wasn’t Henry Porter
And you know there was something’ about you baby that I liked that was always too good for this world
Just like you always said there was something’ about me you liked
That I left behind in the French Quarter

Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content
I don’t have any regrets, they can talk about me plenty when I’m gone
You always said people don’t do what they believe in, they just do what’s most convenient, then they repent
And I always said, “Hang on to me, baby, and let’s hope that the roof stays on”

There was a movie I seen one time, I think I sat through it twice
I don’t remember who I was or where I was bound
All I remember about it was it starred Gregory Peck, he wore a gun
And he was shot in the back
Seems like a long time ago, long before the stars were torn down

not sure what is life enymore about…

I am not sure should I WRIGHT ENYTING
I am just fedd up of all and idk why keep going ehn could end

Sometimes I wish you could be me so you can take all the pain away.

Still doing no better than before and now actually worse, I truly want to give up on life more than ever before. Covid19, Rioting, Looting, Vandalism, Murders, Children being raped while their rapists go free to commit the same crimes but all I see is arguing over who’s right and nothing is being done. I am still alone and I’m still the same fuckup I have always been. I was bullied physically always getting my ass kicked growing up. Those that went to school with me made fun of me or shunned me since I was different. Failed relationships with women who cheat and lied to me. Women who see me as not even worthy of giving me the chance because they see me as too ugly to want to be with someone so hideous. I am just tired of it all and want to take the pain away.. Every day I watch the world go to hell more and it saddens me and breaks my heart that the world is so bent on it’s own self-destruction. Most would think I am “Mad” for wanting it to end and the pain to go away but who that is sane really wants to live in a world where there is nothing but hate, violence and selfishness?  Please don’t give me that fluffy crap the world will get better or my life will get better it won’t. I’ve tried psychiatrists, medications, meditations and numerous other things and it doesn’t get better because humanity in it’s stupidity will not wake up until it destroys itself.

What’s on my mind?

Honestly, right now i’m just in my own thoughts. Thinking about the past mostly. I sometimes dream about you. I dream about the hotel and how it’s become a place for me to call “home” when i’m Lucid. I dream constantly and i’ve mastered many techniques but I can still never conjure you. You only come when you please, which leads me to believe that when I DO see you, that it means something. I miss you, brother. When you visit me I mostly always forget that you’re gone, and If I do remember I don’t bring it up and I just soak up the time I have with you.

I’ve been living with the weight of it all since then. I ask myself, why? Why carry the weight anymore?
Why do I have to be responsible for the gravity of your decisions, of the lives you impacted.

I know it’s the curse I carry no matter where I go. If I do decide to leave, I know no matter where I roam that weight goes with me. Until the day i die!

Sometimes, I hate you for it! I’ve beat my bloody fists into the concrete asking why, WHY!?
I’ve been punishing myself in ways I really don’t understand anymore. I thought I knew the key to my penance, to atone, but I was wrong. I put myself in harms away so much so that that is all I know anymore.,

I know I have to right your wrongs, and that’s what i’m alive for, I have to be a version of you that couldn’t be.

I used to live my life as if you were the protagonist and I was just living in your world; But now I see I am the protagonist, and you were my shadow character,. you were living in mine.

I love you, Brother!

(I don’t care about grammar)

(I know how Daryl feels in this video)

Not suicide related

Wouldn’t I only hope? Oh, wouldn’t I only hope? I don’t want to participate in this world. I don’t want to be part of it. I need new friends, I just sadly don’t really want any, nor do I want to spread my blight and misery to anyone else. I wonder why my ex still bothers to live, he quite clearly doesn’t like life and people don’t really want much to do with him. I can only say that he’s made himself lonely. He didn’t have to throw those friends away who disagreed with him on ‘coronavirus’. He didn’t have to throw away others because they ‘don’t do enough with their lives’, which is ironic, because he doesn’t do much with his own.
He should just admit that he’s full of misery…
I’m sitting here looking at online courses. I suppose if they weren’t all super expensive, I would’ve started a while ago? I literally don’t want to do anything with my life. Regarding jobs, I don’t really want to work unless I have to, and nobody is going to employ me anyway, I’m in a small town and remember due to corona there was a bunch of mass sackings.

I feel super insecure in the place I’m living now with my mum because it’s only a 2 year transitional lease. How do people not feel insecure in rentals? Don’t you worry about being evicted over some ‘reason’ all the time, even if it’s not even a reason, and the landlord just decides that they don’t like you?

Why am I still around, I have no purpose here at all… I almost feel like saying, overall, I’ve actually had some very good moments in my life, and, I’m ready to depart…

Why is everything always a complicated disaster everywhere?

Currently homeless, my pos gf had her pos mom call the cops on me. I got court Oct 6 for domestic. I forgiven her 3 times for getting in trouble. Should of left the first time. Im fighting everyday to live and not having to struggle but i have too. Been wearing the sames clothes for like 4 days now. I have family i can visit but cant stay. I have a job orientation Tuesday to get myself out of this mess. You cant trust anybody. Get tf out of that toxic relationship even if you love them. Theyre gonna f you over and maybe give you a criminal record like they did. Only trust yourself. You only know whats best for you. Get rid of all the toxicity. Im tryna make it off the streets with a bunch of misdemeanors. Life is a challenge but be a survivor, not a victim. That victim mindset will cripple your mind and spirit and even your body. Because its all connected

I miss the Outer Banks in NC…the stingrays swarming beneath the dock~ the massive ocean crashing. I wanna drive out there again

:)) :)) :))

i have a perfect plan. a plan so perfect i’m convinced the universe is telling me to do it. that my life will be worth more when i’m dead. that my sacred duty is to take my own life. nothing around me tells me otherwise. nothing is enough to hold me down. not anymore. to only thing left to do is release attachments, and make peace with death. then i’ll be free.

Friend’s a writer, has a book published, his dad’s a writer, a few books published, and now they have a new book out with excerpts from each member of the family. I’m so excited to get it in the mail. :3 Their grandma is signing it, which is heartfelt to me bc i went to their christmases years ago. that was the year d bought me a billy Joel cd and a bought me an elton john vinyl. the gma bought me pajama pants which was nice.

I still need to see the old friend. His second book is out and he wanted me to stop by and pick it up. One day the years will be far behind us… And those years of hanging out everyday went on for years. 15 to 18 where he had feelings and we drifted bc he’d switch from pouring out what he felt then becoming irritable about someone i started dating and compare himself and compete “well i can write 10 times better than that pos” where i was trying to date a guy that was a creative writing major and it didnt last but a month anyway. Those days with my friend were peaking too. It’s a shame his feelings got in the way. That was what, 2012? Since, I’ve only seen him here and there.

I’m going to have him sign it even though his publisher was shit and misspelled a good portion of the words. x) i shit u not the name in the foreword was misspelled and it was the most common name out there.

I somehow need to overcome this impasse in myself. To either decisively end things, or to fully commit to survival. My current approach is the worst of all worlds – failing to function, exposing myself to ever greater pain and suffering.

My emotions are in a terrible state. They refuse to accept the reality I live in. But they also won’t accept leaving it once and for all.

Most days I am here, but not here. I’m always here to listen, to try and understand a perspective that is not my own. I sympathize deeply for I am a natural empath.. I’m like a level 3 empath and I don’t know if that is a curse or a blessing because sometimes I tap into other peoples self conscious way of thinking and it just annoys my anymore.. As if I don’t have my own tedious problems to worry about.

Usually, since my early 20’s i’ve been someone who really keep in shape (because I was obese growing up, and I was bullied, and humiliated so I vowed never to become that again), but lately I have fallen into a relatively long-term depression which has lasted roughly half a year. I don’t know if covid- 19 and having to mostly stay home has anything to do with it, or if I am just coming to a sudden realization in my life..

I’ve had this distant feeling for years and years (because of trauma from a school shooting in 2005), I have acknowledged that I haven’t been the same since my best friend did what he did, and how I was the one to take the blame.. I blame myself for a lot of things since then, and many things weigh on me, but I still think about that alot.

Mostly, anymore, i’ve been pretending to feel this or that when I’ve been numb inside and out for years, but more so in the last few months.

My friendships/relationships are deteriorating, my work life is fading, and my relationship with the person closest to me I fear becomes more phony by the day. The thing about her is,, she’s the last good thing i’ve got. (My friend)

The love life is non-existent anymore.. By choice.

I think one thing that has given my a glimmer of hope recently was experimenting with LSD, and getting completely lost within myself. I thought I was going to die and in that moment I was afraid. Not afraid of dying but not being able to say Goodbye.

I clung onto anything that was myself but I felt my spirit slipping away from my physical self. And in that moment I had a realization that I wasn’t holding onto myself, but I was holding onto what I thought was myself. I became and echo of all the bad things that made me feel sick to my stomach, to all the things that made me feel lost… I was detached, but not in a depressive sense anymore.. I was free.

The thing that sort of sucks since that experience is that I can’t feel like that all the time. It revealed an entirely new perspective to me. (I’ve started singing in the car and not holding back when someone pulls up to me at the stop-light, i’ve started waving at complete strangers, i’ve started smiling at pretty women, and helping old-timers when I get the chance). I don’t want to die an asshole.

Just because someone rubs dirt on my names, broke my heart, or shames me for my past doesn’t mean I can’t have a future, or grow, or change who I am.

I hate being depressed. I hate juggling the idea of life or death around in my head. I hate how weak I can be at times. I hate how I am my own worst enemy..

I’ve come to realize, that life and or death is not the only options, but, disappearing.. starting over. Anything we’ve ever known could become a repeat if we find the strength.

It would be death in a sense, but in essence it would be a second chance.

Some of us fantasize about witnessing out own funeral.. But what if we could witness not our own death, but out own re-birth?

Me? Personally, i’ve juggled the idea of a bullet in the brain(or heart) or a bottle of pills and whiskey for far too long. Frankly, i’m tired of that sick sad old fantasy.. I want a second chance with the knowledge that i’ve aquired… I don’t want to risk the chance of there being nothing and not being able to try again. I want to TRY again while i’m still relatively young. I want to be someone else with what I know. I want to love again somewhere else. I want to get to know in myself, the someone else.

If I could, i’d take you all with me. I know i’m not the only one.

If I could, I’d take you all with me to the unknown.

P.s. Somedays I just want to start over. I know it’s possible because IT IS possible. There’s just a strength in leaving all that i’ve known behind.. i’m not sure I have it. Someday I might. Someday I might just disappear and become someone new.

They don’t tell me things. But my dad got pneumonia and he’s in the hospital. Before he agreed to be brought to the hospital he looked like he’s dying and his symptoms are similar to symptoms of covid. The chances of him having it is high.

I’m surprised at me for not caring at all. He might die but he’s just like that random relative I see in birthday parties.

They don’t tell me. But if he really got covid the possibility of me getting it is also high since my mom and I took turns caring for him. I have untreated thyroid issues and it’s bad now because of my heartrate. I fucked up my sytem from all my previous suicide attempts. Paracetamol, ibrupofen, propranolol, coolant, sn. It’s not good to die from having covid but all I’m thinking is that. I could die.

I miss sadness. Sometimes I think I might be addicted to the Idea of it. That feeling of being so internally dead, that nothing matters anymore. You no longer care what others think of you, they’re irrelevant. You no longer feel material attached to things. The constant thoughts about life and existence. 

Sadness has another side to it though of course. The constant emotional pain that physically aches, the sudden panic attacks that arise late at night, the hated of seeing how happy and carefree everyone seems around you. 

Being addicted to sadness almost feels like a Stockholm syndrome. I always feel more at home when I’m sad. Instead of busying myself with pointless distractions, like when I’m happy, I do nothing more but stare at myself in the face. And try to look at life exactly as it is, without any mental filters. I miss the carelessness mindset of the world.

So maybe, I don’t miss “sadness”. . I’m starting to think sadness itself isn’t what I miss at all, it’s the abandonment of wants and cares that I miss. 

I wonder if anyone else here has kinda liked this aspect of sadness. After writing this, I looked up addictions to sadness and found that it’s much larger of a phenomenon than I expected.