General

I’m always trying to find a hidden message or meaning in everything I see just to somehow cheer myself up and throw out the thought of me offing myself. But nothing ever happens. I even started looking at weekly horoscop, fuck that, I tried even daily one. But nothing ever happens. Its always “blah blah your life will get better” but it never happens??? Days, weeks, months. And nothing happens. Is that the sign i was looking for? That there is nothing that would just make me stay? Just. Nothing ever happens

Going to go and see grandma tomorrow. She offered to pay for the restaurant for me. Called her a few days ago.
I’m rather nervous. I don’t even know how to be. I haven’t seen her since I was a little kid.
(I’m nearly 30 now…)

I’ll give her a little gift. Don’t know if I should but… I’ll do that. I feel so overwhelmed. I really do want to see her. I know she wants to see me too.

Why do I WORRY so much :/

Last time I helped someone important to me, talk to their friend because they wanted to take their life. I don’t even know that person so well. I won’t share details out of respect. I talked from a standpoint where I understand what it’s like and not pretend to find reasons everything is great.

Well, today I am in fact having a hard time, my mind is racing, I reached out to so many hands and no one took 5 minutes out of their day, to talk to me. So I took my hand back. I’m in isolation mode. There’s the internal loneliness, that isn’t all […]

I remember there was a time a few years back when I gave myself an “expiration date.” I had purchased some drugs that was meant to kill me and told myself “if shit doesn’t get better by next year i’ll finally do it.” Well the thought of my very short time left must have done something because a few months later my life turned around for the better. That and the guy I sent money to to provide me with those drugs actually scammed me and I never really had any means of  killing myself. For the next couple of years after that I was […]

I haven’t been sleeping much. I’m in pain again today. The pain won’t let me sleep. My eyes are tired. I need sleep but I can’t get it. I’m afraid today. I don’t know how much hope I really have at the bottom of me. I thought I had a lot but I just owe it to people to live. I know it’s the sleeplessness talking. But sometimes the voice feels real. I always manage to convince myself these stupid transient states are fucking real. And when I’m fighting and aware they’re not? That’s when I know it’s going to get worse. By my immaculate […]

It’s one thing to accept the pain, know nearly every moment is excruciating, understand you can’t feel any of the happiness others can. To watch youth crumbling away and know everything you’ve lost. It’d be okay… If it ended. I can’t take the horror of every day with the frustration of thinking I know exactly what’d help me and just waiting for the healthcare I need with no idea when it’s coming or if I’ll last that long. I’m nowhere close to being able to afford it myself. There’s nowhere to go if you get more desperate, you just have to wait your turn. And […]

My life is in shambles… I want to feel good and thrive again, but  I’m stuck sobbing in this dark room. I have been for weeks. How do I pull myself out of this? ]*:  I feel like I’m ready to start planning my exit.

the working memory of humans supposedly limits somehow the amounts of things that a person can be aware of at the same time when working on something. it was once said that this number is seven, plus/minus two, but people who care about such ideas say these days that this is a bit more complicated than that.

why brain, why? why can’t i just use everything i want all at once? i don’t like how this works. worthless brain. it only makes everything hard.

hmm… what was i supposed to do next today? why did i end up writing this? what were the things that i wanted […]

I wish that I could die just by thinking about it without having to physically kill myself

there’s a squeezing of my insides, a shredding of my mind, and a weight pulling down my body that will not let up. and now that it’s all more outwardly seen by other people, again, they are offended by it. not even from what I say to them, just from it visibility affecting me. just keep your thoughts to yourself, for fuck’s sake. people truly think that you either aren’t trying enough or will tell you to consider something that you’ve already considered about a hundred different times, without their input. don’t say a damn thing, I’ll be much better off

I talked someone out of tears and mutterings of carbon monoxide today. I felt like a fraud. I felt old. He was so swayable. This was a genuine crisis for him. I want my comfort with the idea gone.

This day has been alright. I’m coming out of an emotional development cocoon. I don’t know who I am just yet. I was in pain today. I cried a little. I could cry more if I liked but no energy to. It doesn’t change anything. I watched a smog induced car pile up video. I’m flat. I’m going through a cloudy time. But I don’t care enough […]

It’s not much fun, being a monster. Would not recommend it. You get these constant reminders of what everyone thinks of you. Society loves a good villain. How can our heroes be truly heroic if those they pursue aren’t truly evil? Writers love to plumb the depths of human depravity, and audiences eat it up.

The obvious response to this is “just stop being evil.” Unfortunately, your past casts a long shadow. Some things mark you as forever beyond the pale, even after you stop. Besides which, the motivations that led you to that point don’t just disappear. If you’re sufficiently fucked in the head, realising […]

So idk. I guess life is ok but i just can’t keep on keeping on. I was married, now i’m not. Then I was involved in a rather complicated relationship. now I’m not. At the end of the day i know that i am loved, and i am responsible for my children, and i have burdens to carry. And idk if I can keep things keeping on. idk if i want to. My ex is a complete wreck, alcoholic, abusive, tells the world that I am a pathetic worthless human being even though i’m the one who made sure that our children were fed.

This is my first post and lets do this.

I am just an average guy who fought with depression my whole life. It started in fifth grade and got worse over the years. Sorry for my english I am not a native speaker

Highlights this year:

– (Januaray) My uncle died, my dad had a stroke, and my ex broke up with me. Best 3 weeks of my life.

-(ApriL) I broke down in front of my parents telling them that i want to kill myself whil crying. they respone was laughing me out.

-(May) I had a break […]