General

I am not an openly emotional person, I cry very rarely, but tears nearly broke the surface when I found out yesterday: I’m losing another friend, they’re moving away.
I get that we can still be friends but I’m a realist, every friend I’ve ever had is gone, lost touch, haven’t seen each other in years, and don’t even talk; friendships reduced to Facebook posts.
I know that’s where this is going and it breaks my heart. This is my only friend really, I’m not good at connecting with people and it took me 3 years to just find this one friend.
So now I’m going to be more alone than I already am.
This fucking world is trying to kill me.

I take my meds, i dont drink or smoke weed anymore..definitely dont pop percs anymore. My last attempt was close to a year ago. I still feel like shit. Even when i was a zombie on the higher doses of medication i was still doing bad. I try to be a good person and not lash out at anyone but i still have alot of stress i cant unload in any outlet. Soon as i experience something positive my expectations skyrocket and im soon dissapointed rather fucking quickly. I need a job because i got denied disability but i never get accepted for an interview. Was supposed to spend my stimilus check on tools so i could make money selling crafts but my schzoaffective bipolar mood swings bring about my impulsive spending. Wtf

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A good song is My recovery by James Arthur

I’m 20. My back is fucked. I almost always have a headache. I might have arthritis or something in my fingers. I get random pains in my arms and legs. My feet get cramps and lock up. I can’t breath because of an undiagnosed chest problem, so no running or walking a lot plus I will take random gulps of air. and let’s not even get started on my mental problems. I have multiple personalities. Mood swings that i have zero control over. Anxiety that is on occasion crippling. It’s honestly amazing I can even leave the house. dissociation so bad that I’m not even sure I’m alive or anything is even real. I’m just so fucking sick and tired of it all. I’m 20 this is fucking stupid.

Oh and memory so bad that I’m constantly saying I don’t remember or repeating things I already said. (I didn’t know if I should put that under physical or mental problem so I just saved it for the end)

And honestly the dissociation and memory is so bad that I mostly just keep my mouth shut now because I’m fairly confident im completely insane.

Long story short, my life is a complete failure. It’s full of wrong decisions, (in)actions, regrets, mistakes after mistakes, that I honestly think maybe it’s already too late to “fix everything” (eg: I’m losing all the good chances/opportunities, as I’m getting old now). It’s really ironic & tragic, because a lot of people always say that I’m very talented especially in music (I used to be quite an active musician & composer/songwriter, but sadly I’m still not famous & successful), smart, a deep thinker, a highly sensitive person, etc etc.

I am also an idealist, meaning that I actually have a BIG vision & idea for the future of civilization/mankind/humanity, to make a real progress & “leap jump” in the future. For example, I seriously think that the real, truest “meaning of life” is to make a HUGE progress, a sort of evolution, for the future. And for our Human species, in my opinion, the real purpose is to unlock our wildest potential: our human’s Imagination. And I’m talking about all those most creative, artistic, & imaginative human’s minds for example like in all those most imaginative, fantasy, sci-fi movies, games, novels, comics, anime/manga, and any other most amazing work of arts. So in my opinion, our humanity/mankind/civilization’s most important & biggest task is to turn all those imaginations into a reality. And that’s why I’m now a big/huge proponent & supporter, as well as very interested in technology such as: Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), and also Artificial Intelligence (AI), and also some thinking & concepts such as Transhumanism. But then again, sadly, the problem is I don’t know how to reach all those dreams & ideas of mine. And that is really depressing.

I’m a Chinese-Indonesian, living in Jakarta (Indonesia). And the biggest problem is the culture/society here, also the mindset of the people here. They’re all still mostly very conservative, traditional, & outdated mindset/perspective about life. Especially with my Asian/Chinese-Indonesian parents for example, they still only think that the only “meaning of life” or “purpose” is simply just to survive, find a good job (or business), and make money, & then get married, have kids/children, etc etc. But for me, this can’t be all there is to life; Life should be so much more than that! But then, another biggest problem that I do realize and finally admit now is that, sadly, perhaps it’s all due to the many flaws in my personalities too: I listen too much to what other people/person say, I care too much (deeply), I’m easily down & depressed, & I also lack the ‘drive’/energy/motivation (and this is why perhaps I appear to be just “lazy” in the eyes of most people, including in my parents’ eyes), especially this year, when my Existential Depression just getting so much worse to the point of even being suicidal (having suicidal thoughts/fantasy/ideations almost everyday).

I’m 38 years old this year, and here I am now, in reality, I’m still living with my parents, almost can be viewed as jobless/unemployed, or even a hikikomori (a shut-in recluse only staying at my room most of the time). The situation is now even getting much worse, with my family/parents’ problems, stress, plus now my little brother is also a depressed shut-in just like me, so my Chinese father especially, who is almost 70 years old now, is really disappointed, stressed, & perhaps even having a (severe) depression, because in his eyes, his sons are still a complete failure, and a total loser, because we are still not financially independent, still living in their houses & dependent on them for food, bills, etc etc. I’m also basically jobless/unemployed, and not interested at all to run his (my father’s) businesses, which are also currently going through perhaps the most difficult time of all times (financially, I don’t know & really afraid that perhaps even my parents’ money will run out soon or later), especially due to this COVID-19/corona pandemic situation.

I also don’t know what to do. I’m lost, confused, depressed, suicidal, & feel like an alien. I can’t relate to most people/Human beings. I’m too “way out”, lost in my own thoughts, idealisms, visions, & all these “big/huge ideas” that I basically just don’t know anymore HOW/WHAT to do? Reality is depressing, very depressing, boring, limiting, & to be honest, this whole existence is just stupid, pointless, & meaningless for me now. My existential depression/crisis is getting much worse now, probably even the worst now, like I’ve said above, everyday now I’m even having suicidal ideations/fantasy/thoughts, and for me now, I’m seriously thinking that perhaps to die (death) is better than to live (just only to survive/for survival everyday).

I began my journey pure as light, a kid with sparkle in my eyes who didn’t know what fault was, looking for love and respect and as I didn’t know how to hit life, it hit me first, and I found out that it’s not that bad to not be humane, to be more humane is a crime and like that a drop of darkness fell in my essence because others didn’t give a shit on my decency and then I said there’s no more room for anything holly in this world, we loose ourselves between needles, smokes and jokes made on weaker people, we are born healthy and trying to heal ourselves we become sick. You see life is a street poorly lighted, full of pits, full of buildings ready to fall guess on who, full of fires ready to burn anyone, full of eyes ready to see any weakness, full of fools still waiting the answers to their prayers, and as for me anything that moves, doesn’t move me, only hate bites me from time to time making me shout hooray, and today I’m gonna sell myself and otherwise the same dust in another wind and I’m not the same person and I don’t know who I am anymore
Some lyrics translated from a romanian song called Spune-mi by Veritasaga

I love you little brother and as soon as I can ill make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmas’. Have an amazing day little dude. One more year has passed and that’s a year closer to me getting you back. I’m sorry I ever left but I hope when you’re older and I tell you you’ll understand. I couldn’t stay and it had nothing to do with you or our other brother. It’s because of you that I stayed as long as I did. I miss you guys sooo much. and I love you both with all of my heart.

Poured all my fucking fury into a fucking flower pic. Didn’t help at all.

Suicidal thoughts come in 2 forms. One is if you feel trapped by external forces (poverty, bullying, bad luck, loss), and the other is if you’re trapped by your own internal issues. It’s the 2nd one that I’m wondering about, those of us whose minds are so hopelessly scrambled by trauma or self-loathing or whatever led us to this point.

If you’re in that category, then suppose everything else in your life became perfect. You found your perfect soulmate, you got a great job and promising career, a reason to live, all that stuff. Could you make it work?

Or would you end up right back here?

If you think of what led you to this point, it’s probably not just 1 thing. It’s probably not just 1 bad decision or 1 bad defeat. It’s probably a pattern of life that has come to define you. And if that’s the case, then even if you suddenly got a clean slate and all your problems were fixed, your own mind would repeat the same pattern and you’d replay the same life.

I see it a lot like cancer. You can get chemo or surgery and send it into remission, but your body will always be predisposed to relapse. In cases of cancer you’d have to radically alter your diet, exercise, lifestyle and attitude in order to stay cancer free. But with mental health, it’s not as easy as deciding to change and doing it. Our mind itself is the cancer, and you can’t surgically remove that.

I’m just thinking these thoughts because I’m actually getting a second chance at life. Call it a string of overdue good luck. Things are finally falling into place. But no matter how many good things happen, I wake up every morning hating life and wanting to end it. It’s like I’m diseased from the inside out, and no matter how much sunshine shines on me, I’m a tragedy.

What is the point of kindness when I have so much fury. Nothing changes, people are utter shit, even people I’ve known for 33 years are utter shit. This fucking world is utterly pointless.

We just exist to be used.

I am so utterly fucking lonely. Day in day out. Every fucking day of my life there is at least some amount of time when there is a black pit of loneliness in my life. This black pit I have poured just about everything I could into and the pit is endless. It never ends. Why do I just keep marching forward? Is there a point to marching forward when the pit is just fucking there?

I hike until I’m exhausted, bike until I can’t think, swim until I’m close to drowning, draw and draw and draw and please and ask and fuck you world. Just fuck you world. It doesn’t get better. It just gets different. If there is any hope it is that someday I will fucking shuffle off this mortal coil with no regrets because how can I regret just utter fucking loneliness?

This blind fury isn’t going away. I can’t make it stop and it is a steam roller that is going to consume me. It is consuming me. Not a fucking person in my life right now knows what kind of utter shit fest my brain has become. The one person I sat and talked with about this and his shit fest of an existence wrote me off after 33 years of friendship on week ago with four fucking text words. Four.

What is a life lived if not to….well ffs who cares right? People are selfish and do things for their own selfish ends, I’m not built that way. I wish to fuck sake I was built that way but I’m not and I’ve been injured in a way I can’t even describe. In a way I can even understand.

I don’t understand and the fury boils and boils and boils and there isn’t an end. Just the blind hot spiral that is currently my existence.

God I wish I could tell you to be kind and love yourself. I hate the world right now. Fucking hell I wish I could find where kindness resides and build my home there. But kindness resides nowhere. Kindness is a sham, a way for people to just suck me dry of everything I am and now I’m a husk. A husk with absolutely no end in sight except maybe just taking the rest of my RX and saying fuck you world, have it your way.

Kindness will reside in me and I will shuffle off this mortal coil and find peace anywhere but in on this awful planet where nothing makes sense and the entire worlds is just a fucking pond of fire.

Why does it make me smile?
There is no happiness there
Is it because it is funny?
It brought about my laughter?
It wasn’t sincere
It was just a fake
I do not feel happy
There is none left
It must be because it was something called “funny”
I was hurt by that person
He brought back deja vu
The darkness in my vacant eyes
I paid none
As they stole
He asked for help
And I laughed

If I’ll get the Corona virus it may kill me