General

Weird post, but I wanted to share a few things I’ve come to realize.

People keep saying passive shit like “things will get better” or “I hope you’re doing okay”, but their whole approach is wrong. Passiveness is just contrary to anything that could help. So I’m pretty sure most of us here are depressed. I’ve heard that diagnosis before. And earlier I thought it was just a way of life, because I hadn’t felt different in so many years. But I think now it’s an illness. A real, curable illness. A depressed brain is physically different from a healthy one. So things won’t get better. Depression won’t just fix itself. You won’t magically wake up happy. You’ve got to treat it as if it were any other disease. The nature of this is such that it tries its hardest to stop you doing that curing. We’re fatigued. Nobody wants to exercise. It’s easier to cut.

But you know, the people we are is just chemicals. Love, friendship, sex drive, appetite. When you’re high, you behave differently, don’t you? That’s just a chemical. So why not chemicals for a disease of the mind? And I’m not talking about recreational shit.

Antidepressants. I’m on SSRIs a month now, and I feel different. I have more energy. I’m able to stick to a deadline. I can hold a conversation without tiring. I get out of bed every morning, albeit a little sleep deprived. My emotions are blunted, and it feels good to be this stable. I laugh at stupid jokes my partner cracks that earlier just tired the fuck out of me.

Why did I never try this solution? What’s the downside? It’s practically free, the meds are so cheap. And fortunately for me, I don’t need a scrip for the stuff in my country. So I don’t have to pay for therapy. But for those of you that are less fortunate, I don’t know, write a fake prescription. It’s worth it. You know you’re depressed, you don’t need overpaid bourgeois scum to tell you that and leech off you for months. This could be the end of my feeling this way. I can hardly imagine what a whole normal life would feel like. I never knew I could come back to this. I thought this feeling died with childhood.

I still remember the warmth of it all. The comforting blankets of joy wrapped tightly around me, along with all of those I had the pleasure of knowing. I can still smell the chlorine in my hair from swimming in the pool with everyone, engaging in various activities. I can hear the familiar sound of a basketball thumping against the same ground where we stomped and played whenever we had the chance. Ha, they always said I was a good shooter. I’m not so sure how I would hold up these days. The sun was always beaming down, revealing the vibrant colors of the world around. Even for a western desert, there was plenty to see. I can feel the warm dirt beneath my feet and hear bugs buzzing around my ears. I can feel the rushing wind against my face from riding bikes at speeds that probably weren’t the safest, and I can still feel the blades of grass digging into my once innocent palms. Every moment reminding me of how blessed I was, being able to experience such sensation.

It seemed like a different era even though, retrospectively, it wasn’t all that different. We were together and it seemed like it would never end. There wasn’t any silly, invisible lines of division separating one soul from another. It didn’t seem to end until one day when we said our goodbyes and wiped our tear-stained eyes. It was around Autumn, right? When things seemed to fall apart. The roads split and guided everyone differently. The warmth of it all was stripped away and only a cool chill was left in its place.

What was it that was said? Only fools romanticize the past. I guess that’s right after all. I look in the mirror and realize it’s just me, like it’s always been. Things are different yet they’re the same. Every day I get older. Every day the world seems stranger. Every day things seem uglier. Every day we stray further away from what we were. It’s sad.

Found a new word today. I’m sure everyone can relate : Urban Dictionary: post-suicidal

So I had to split from my ex wife with BD/BPD again after 4 months and I made the mistake of texting her yesterday and telling her I will unblock her in a year. Well I let her text me back and got a big pity party from her like usual. I know she was trying to suck me back in and she is good at it. I had to block her then again. I haven’t got past it yet and can’t stop thinking about her. All the pain came back on me also. She is very good at the intermittent reinforcement and I feel so traumatized by it with real dark things going on in my head. I know she is probably severely broke now because I can hear it in her voice. Im a musician so I can read her by the tone of her voice but her eyes captivate me so I can’t read them. I want to text her back so bad and tell her if she wants some money then she is gonna have to give me some P***y lol. No P***y no money so come on over shut up and lets not make this any more complicated than it has to be. Is that messed up or what. Thats a can of worms for sure. I can’t get this out of my head and I feel so damaged now. I just took a bunch of clonidine today and went back to bed. I can’t let her back into my life until I heal if ever. Probably should be never at this point. If I caught her at the right time we could be partners like the ones we are not suppose to have here if you know what I mean. I just want to scream at her and say you f**king did this to me are you happy!

I seem to be on a never ending alienate spree towards my friends. I keep reminding myself to stop unloading my emotional drama baggage in their inboxes but i cant seem to stop myself. Almost like 1 of those social vampires and then like a dumbass i wonder why no1 will talk to me. Like dammit just stop it, stop what you are doing, you are killing them (not literally). But a part of me is on autopilot and is like well since we are at rock bottom lets just keep going til we see hell. I just feel so sorry for any1 who tries to be my friend because its like u have no idea what kind of mind torture is comin your way. I have to stay away from people for their own sanity’s sake. I just cant handle being close to anyone, my heart and mind just rejects any kind of friendship or relationship. Told 1 of my friends i was takin a long break for their sake cuz they dont deserve my depressed whining or my intense dramatic situations or basically anything/everything i feel like sharing with them. Im such a horrible friend. And i just wish they knew i dont mean to be like this, amd i dont understand why i do what i do cuz ive always been this way. I honestly might need to get back on meds to get myself to that even level instead of these intense highs n lows that make people run away from me.

I spend a large part of each day trying to remember why I’m still alive. It slips away from me so fast, and all I’m left with is the nagging sense that everything is wrong. The isolation, the loneliness, the longing, the fear. Things are not ‘ok’, and it’s unlikely they will ever be ‘ok’ again. They’re just not bad enough (yet) to overcome the terror of death. And until that changes, all I can do is prepare, and try to make things as easy for myself as I can. The problem is keeping that clear in my mind, when a large part of my brain wants to go into meltdown. To desperately lash out, or grasp at anything, to find some relief or salvation. To make it stop. But it won’t stop. There is no solution. There is only coping, better or worse. What I need is someone on my shoulder to remind me of that, every minute of every day. So I don’t sink into self-destructive behaviour. No relief, no way out, no solution. Only coping, better or worse. I need someone to slap me and shake me out of it every time I sink into this paralysed state.

Sleep evades me tonight.    It is almost two in the morning so it is either a late day eight or an early day nine.   Luck evades me as well.      I complained about the sleep and requested the prescribed medication.   However when they took my blood pressure it was too low for them to allow the medication.     Not mad at the nurses.   They are doing their best to help.  Just mad at the overall situation still.

Even though it looks like I have  a plan for two to  three weeks of residential treatment when I get out of here and EMBR therapy when I get home   I am dreading going home.     The house will be empty without my wife,  and I do not have the strength to deal with the arrival of the divorce papers when that happens.    I want to have all components of my plan ready when that happens as a backup.

Again this depression is fifty years old so I’ve heard the words “It gets better” many times.  It has gotten better several times.   But then it has turned back on itself and sucked even worse.    This is why I consider my depression terminal.    Is there a disease called Cancer of the Personality?  If so I am in the final stages.     Yesterday I had some hope when the information on the residential facility came together.   But after thinking of it and all the things that seem to go wrong Getting to sleep tonight is part of this pattern.   I try to use what I learned from CBT to deal with my thoughts going to these dark places all the time but that has failed me as well.     I am not strong enough to stay in the right place whatever that is.

I have never been diagnosed as bi polar but now I am up and down almost minute by minute.   Is this new or part of the terminal process.

Well Lets see how the rest of this day goes.

Why do you cut?

To feel pain. I hate myself. I deserve it. I shouldn’t be alive.

Why do you drink/smoke up?

To stop feeling. The pain hurts too much.

Getting lost in the music….

Yes,   I am still here.     I can say I do not want to be here but I am not referring to the hospital.   I still want to disappear from it all.  Thus it is best I am here as I am trying to keep promises.

I did get some positive news today and that is they found a facility to where I can transfer and receive some extended treatment (up to 30 days) Right now I am just in the psychiatric unit of the county hospital with detox and patients with other issues.   While I do meet with the Dr and they do have some group therapy I am not finding it very helpful.    I’ll take what little I can learn at least.

The problem I have with therapy or group therapy is with the counselor, psychologist, psychiatric tech or Social worker (with counseling certification).  I do not want to be condescending but in a lot of cases I am smarter than these people.   I will never flaunt that or use it to be mean or anything but I just cannot see any value in this.  If it group therapy I will never interfere with them but I find myself wanting to withdraw and not participate.     One individual session I had years ago I had a social worker tell me I needed to have “Happy Thoughts”   Maybe the idea was right but the delivery sounded like I was being counseled by Bozo the Clown.

Well,   that is something new about me that I have shared so I will give myself a plus for that against all the other items about which I continually beat myself up.

I still see no end to this depression.   I truly hope I find that in a new facility and continued care after that.    The plan I have after this program is to go back to my regular therapist whom I trust and she is going to arrange for me to have EMDR therapy.   Given that some of my major issues go back to forgiveness and memories of the past This looks promising.   A friend of my Sister actually does this therapy in another state and she spoke with me and explained how it works, so I am not going in blindly.

I am still fighting this feeling that it will not get better and in fact is terminal, thus I should have plan B ready to just finish it.   However I will  do my best to deal with that one day at a time.

Thank you all for feedback.

I haven’t thought about this site in awhile. I stumbled upon it when I was actively suicidal years ago, and I spent a long time searching for my old post I made when I was feeling awful. I hated myself. Deeply hated myself. And when I was looking at all of the other posts while searching for mine, I realized, “dear God, I could have written any one of these.” Everything that you all say sounds so familiar… it’s just been a long time since I’ve believed it.

I decided to stay alive. I decided to give life a chance. I was hospitalized. I got put on meds, took therapy, I stopped drinking and doing drugs, started doing the 12 steps. I’ve been sober for almost 3 god damn years. Sometimes I can’t believe how much things have changed. Things are still hard, I still get depressed, but I truly, truly want to live. That wretched, horrible, inescapable pain has left me, and I used to believe with all of my heart and soul that it never would.

I’m not going to be condescending and tell you anything about your own life or your own lived experiences. I’m hesitant to even say something like, “It gets better,” because I don’t know shit. I don’t have the answer. However, I CAN say, with 100% certainty, that I totally believed I would never become a person I liked. I never believed I would stop hating myself… and I was wrong. I don’t hate myself anymore. Sometimes I can even love myself.

We are all alive. We were all born into this world, and despite our most deeply held beliefs, it’s possible to start telling yourself that you actually deserve to be here. Alive. With us. Whoever is reading this, I love you dearly.

Last night was interesting, something happened with my husband and he got up to asking me what was wrong and doing the whole, “what did I (he) do” thing, which drives me insane, I’ve told him 1,000 times that it’s not him. Anyways, all words just get caught in my throat when I’m in an emotionally charged state so I just sent him a text since my voice was lost, the intended message was apparently a little vague. Rather than what was actually going through my head, he read it as me wanting to commit suicide, it makes sense since this is something we have discussed in the past, I should have been more clear, it’s not wrong per se but that wasn’t where I was going. Interestingly, when I realized what he thought I just went with it rather than telling him what I actually meant, it seemed preferable. This leads to questions and statements like, “I don’t want to make you unhappy”, “what do you want/need”, “I thought you were feeling better”, and so on. Remembering I’m all twisted up and can’t talk (he is better at verbal communication like that so he just reads the text then comes to talk to me) I can’t say anything in response. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
What do I want/need? I don’t need anything. I want to forget, I want all the pain to end, and I want permission to leave this world. I’m holding on to threads.
Better? Yeah, I was, but I keep trying to explain that one minute I’m okay and the next I might not be and vice versa, between the BPD and bipolar my moods are all over the place.
I want to further explain to him the depth of what I’m going through right now but I feel too pathetic. It’s been almost two decades since the abuse ended, it was buried for so damn long, everything appeared fine (sort of), suddenly I’m reliving it all and tearing myself apart. We’ve been married almost 11 years now and in all that time it was never like this. How do you explain that it’s just unearthing itself? He knows about the abuse, but just the general “something happened”, that’s all I really knew, it’s was all so foggy it was easy to blame anything else for my behaviors, but bits and pieces are popping up and killing me, changing me. I don’t know if anyone can understand what it’s like to believe you are normal and then one day remember that, “oh yeah, this is why you are fucked up”, and start spiraling down to where I belong. Everything I thought I was turned out to be a lie, so much I never recognized for what it was, trauma responses parading around as normal. I think I finally see how much it affected my life, everyone always wondered why I was the way I was, only my husband knows, but even he knows so little and doesn’t see the scope of it.
I wonder if I’m that good at hiding this stuff, or if everyone else is blind. Has he really not noticed how often I’m high, how fast the booze is disappearing, how disconnected I’ve been? I almost let him in on the fact I’ve been high a good 6/7 days a week, especially while trying to focus on work, but I don’t want him to get angry with me or try to make me stop  I can’t cope sober, I’m barely coping at all.

I only get these thoughts and I keep them to myself. I always have since my last attempt ruined me. I just wish life was easier, I have a loving partner currently after leaving a toxic ex. I am productive, I help my family, I care for them and do my best. But everything feels so burdensome. Even when I’m with the love of my life, I feel exhausted, I want to run away. I often feel like I am being forced into a role I don’t belong. And it’s one I can not escape.

Guess i couldn’t really hold out for long. Been a on your here for 4 years… Im In Extreme pain mental/soulful like it hurts. To the point Of where im numb to it… Than empty.. sigh…. This cycle is Horrendous. Imagine feeling this way 24/7… Tired of all the fake shii of society. Nothing seems real to me.. hope im courageous & committed to do it… If you’ve read this far.. much love & appreciated.. stay well

My anger is making me sick. I can feel it in my stomach and in my chest. All my hatred and rage about everything is making me sick. I’m so sick I want to throw up. Everything is making me angry. All the little noises and twitches are making me angry. I feel so sick.