General

I realized I’m very sick , I’ve been living this fake life trying to pretend to be normal. I try to to fit in have a normal life but in reality it’s just not try to end up hospitalized or worst dead. I realize this is all I am and will eventually be is dead. I remember that I lie and fake being fine and functioning like having a job but it’s cover for me being broken. I’ll honestly would have killed myself if I didn’t. But the idea of being hospitalized is worst. So I do things like lie, say I’m fine without the […]

Apparently with the job market the way it is I can’t get the start I need to get to move forward. Entry Level Helpdesk or Support jobs are just not there right now. Did some courses here and there but need more experience, and the only way to get experience is to get a job, but the only way to get the job is to have the experience. Commence loop.

Don’t have enough money to get the certs I want or a degree because current job doesn’t pay enough. Sick of the current job to the point where I may just quit without a job lined […]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/vyP8c-wlkQA
~1min

Glad someone out there is finally talking about this shit.

If affirmations worked, MILLIONS of ppl suffering from depression and shit lives wouldn’t still be suffering from depression and shit lives. And if you disagreed with affirmations, you were labeled as “negative” and “not even trying,” as if the solution is there ALL along and you just won’t listen to it, bc we just WANT to stay depressed. Anyone dissenting on the status-quo or established dogma is always treated like shit, like we’re crazy, like we’re just not trying, or we just don’t want to get better. -_-

I’m sure affirmations work for […]

Been putting off posting again. I do that a lot. I have a lot on my mind, but just never find the time to put write them down. Quit my deli job. Hated that fucking job. So god damn much. I was falling behind on school and so I put in my one week notice on Tuesday. My last day was slow. Practically dead. I think I used the slicer less than 5 times. The only thing was I had to train a new guy on how to close plus pick up the slack for […]

If you can tolerate Gilbert Gottfried singing a song

(and here’s me realizing I’m old again, apparently young folks today don’t know who Gilbert Gottfried is…. which I find rude, do I go around saying that I don’t know who Pete Davidson is? No, he’s an ex SNL guy who is friends with John Mulaney, because I keep up with culture)

he was a comedian known for a particularly unpleasant voice….. but damn if he doesn’t nail it in this song. I never thought I’d find something to like about this movie, a movie I swear the rest of the world forgot about

and comparing myself to this […]

Wouldn’t it be nice to be one of those ppl who’s happy with a life of mediocrity? Some ppl are just fine working 9-5 in a mediocre job, making ok money, not having a deep purpose or meaningful impact on society, not achieving greatness, doesn’t care about finding the perfect partner but is happy with someone who’s just “good enough.” You know those ppl- those who are just happy with “ok.” Or happy enough with “ok.” People who don’t think too much. People who don’t question much, but just accept life for what it is.

Meanwhile, if you are one of […]

I know so many people who see me, talk to me, they think I express myself well, and I’m incredibly insightful….. and I’m…. THAT is the coping mechinism. I don’t belong, I’ve been an outsider for the longest time. Sometimes it’s a badge I wear with pride, but it’s also a source of shame. I tried to fit, I put immense work into trying.

and what scares me, as much as I allow myself to be scared by anything, is that I don’t want to try anymore.

because I’m a trauma survivor, my shields against the few things that really scare me are high. and in so […]

hm, Google showed me this a few videos after the George Carlin “Life is Worth Losing” clip. I’m sure it’s 100% coincidental, but it’s interesting this showed up on my feed…

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/_SZhyqzybOY
~20s clip

Good ol’ George Carlin. He was WAY ahead of his time. Knew about The Agenda decades before any of us even had any inkling. If only he was alive today…

I suffer cognitive dissonance and pure O, so my decisions are hardly ever up to me and my body and mind don’t even belong to me anymore, so if I lose my cool at my house one more time, it’s gonna be out of my control and I’m gonna go homeless because of it. I feel like I’m fucking cursed, and shit never goes my way, and if anything is ever to go wrong, it’s gonna go wrong towards me and not anyone else. It’s also to the point where I don’t wanna do anything at all anymore and I’d just rather lie in bed […]

I like many things about tbis site, chirf amongst them being SP is whete thete os no story/problem that dare not speak iits name.

They say forget about the past. Get over it, they say.

But the past doesn’t forget you. It catches up to remind you – right at the moment when you start getting ideas or getting ahead of yourself- who you really were = are.

Forget about it! BS. I know it for a fact that I will carry the baggage from my past straight into my shallow grave. There’s no getting over it. Only hope there’s no hell or afterlife or karma-based reincarnation, otherwise I’m getting my ass handed back to me on a frying pan for all eternity.

What I’d prefer to end up as-

I feel like nobody and I’m done with therapy because my idiot therapist can’t help me and he just tried to guilt trip me on how he thought it was wrong that I tried to KMS in the past and he tries to tell me with stigmatizing language that I’m wrong for trying to escape the pain in the past, but yet tries to justify everyone else for pushing me to that point and making me feel this way just because they’re in authority! I feel like I’m a fucking slave to this pain and I’m obligated to stay in this earth with this mental […]

I think it’s all breaking down, and I think it specifically has to do with how children are being handled. People in my generation are reaching the age that the urge to have children gets really strong, but where I live the conditions for children are so bad it still manages to hold most of us back. Also, my city is really xenophobic, so immigration isn’t going to solve our labor problem either.

and this is an issue because trying to have kids is the only purpose I have left. There’s no career, no huge projects, very little else to look forward to.

My wife and I […]

not suicide related

Just wanted to say it, and no I’ve not recently left/had someone leave a relationship with me (aka breakup)… Just remember that people can and do leave others just because they feel like it, and they’ll make an excuse to ‘soften the blow’ for you. But of course that won’t work and you’ll be left hurting and aching for a long time anyway. I know someone who was ghosted.
Imagine spending months or years on someone just for them to LEAVE! Look I’m sure many lives are greatly improved by a seemingly good relationship, but remember that this ‘good’ relationship can change at […]

I’m jealous. I’m jealous of everyone and everything. I am jealous of my fucking friends, I’m jealous of people who aren’t my friends.

I’m jealous of everyone who has other people to talk to and everyone who doesn’t need one. my friends and family treat me so shitty without even knowing and here on this website, anonymous people are telling me that I can vent to them. why the fuck can’t I do that? why can’t I help someone for once and not just sit here pleading for my help even when I don’t need it and there is no one in this fucking world who […]

It’s confirmed, I *AM* cursed.

So the power went out in the whole building. Four units. OFC *MY* unit is the ONLY unit where the power is NOT back on. The other units/floors power went back on immediately. But I’m the only one left with NO power. The rest of the block has power too. Just. Not. Fucking. Me.

And family left. They won’t get back till very late, and even then, it’s unlikely they care to fix it late tonight. So that means no power for all of today and all of tonight. And all morning. […]

“i like being alone, but i don’t fancy being lonely”

people around me are doing something or the other in their lives. they are either in good relationships, being happy or are excellent at studies, building up their future but again here I am, writing stuff that doesn’t matter to anyone on a site where everyone is as fucked up as me or even more. just yesterday when I was with my friends, all of them were talking but I kept feeling like there was a wall between us and the worst part was that I wasn’t bothered by the wall because I’m the one who […]