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One pull of the trigger. One gulp of the pill. Thats it. Itll be over. All this pain and suffering…..ceased. Turned into nothingness. No more memories. No more thoughts. But i dont have a gun. But i dont have a pill.
(Might update later. Im just finishing work and this doesnt quite feel complete.)
This constant hate for myself has been getting overwhelming. Honestly suicide has started to become a huge option. I try to think positively of myself and about my life but I can’t and it’s really hard. I know there are peoples life’s worse than mine but I just don’t like myself and I always feel like I don’t deserve to live. I’ve been crying everyday of my life for the past couple of months non stop about 2-5 times a day. My body has become so weak and I always feel exhausted for all this crying but get 4 hours or less sleep a day. I think I’ve reached a breaking point where I can’t take it anymore and I can’t stand myself living anymore and I can’t go on like this. I don’t know what I should do but I know this hate for myself is never gonna stop now. It’s too deep. I don’t think I even liked me or truly loved myself and now it’s just turned to absolute hatred of who I am, what I am, what I look like, how I act, how I feel and where I am, and just everything about me I can’t stand anymore. I always feel like people’s life’s will be better if I was gone. I mean nobody has to worry about me anymore right? I’ll just be in a hole somewhere and everyone can just forget about me and everything will be better. That’s all I want anyway… just for everyone to forget I exist and maybe just to never exist cause I’m just always gonna be the piece of shit I am and nothing is ever gonna change. I don’t know how to what to live or strive anymore it’s so hard when you feel like this all the time and feel like your always peoples problem and nobody cares about you and you always annoy people and you always feel like people are saying bad things about you behind your back and always feel like people hate you or don’t like you. I just wanna be normal………
I’ve got a dirty secret.
hush now, never tell.
quite a filthy secret-
for which I’ll burn in hell.
see, such a nasty secret.
should never cross ones lips;
so 10 long years I’ve waited
Whilst through my soul it rips.
I’ve sat alone, pretending
that everything’s just fine.
I swore I’d never tell a soul
but after all this time…
I find myself just burning
to say those secret words.
The truth to sink in someone’s ear,
to finally be heard.
The twisted nauseation
to curl around their soul,
As they find that they believe me.
The curse of knowledge in whole.
Alas, it’ll never be spoken aloud.
it’s pretty plain to me.
that though I yearn to speak these words.
There’s a risk, a prescribed fee
You see, it’s not so easy
to tell such brutal things.
To say the truth when he told me
“I’ll kill you if you speak.”
so here I sit, just 18.
I’ll never say a word.
on a site that shall forget me.
like this poem never even occurred.
And though I’ll never speak of
what was done to me that date,
in anonymity, I’ll type it out.
put simply:
I was raped.
y’know, maybe i should be working on the assignments i said i would instead of letting one email get to me like this. But I can’t. I already put this up on a vent channel elsewhere but I deleted it because my friends were on there and I felt like such a bother. I mean, the person who got me here was me and me alone, why should I involve others like this? Then again, I just really wanted to get something out there other than keeping it in my mind and have it tear me down. I’ve always felt better after getting it out one way or another. But I just can’t help but hate myself and laugh at myself for not being able to tell the right people my thoughts, I just fear it. The thing is, since the beginning of the second semester, I chose not to do any assignments in spite of my parents. They’ve always wanted me to excel in my studies and used me to keep up their name. My extended family is toxic as hell and have broken my parent’s very name down to nothing. They wanted me to change that; they wanted to show that garbage could raise a daughter that were better than their children. The pressure is real and it only gets worst when everything gets slapped in my face. When my parents tell me I can’t call or talk to my own cousins because I’m the plague their family doesn’t want to infect my cousins and I should distance myself and continue striving to be better. When I’m reminded that my grandparents have a lot of connections and people watching me to tattle on my every move to turn a golf ball into a fucking 4,500kg wrecking ball in one call. I hate all of this. And I hate myself. I get it. I’m unsatisfactory, a plague, a disappointment, a leech, a *****, a fat ugly *****, and I can see the gleam of delight in their eyes as they watch me crumble under their call. So what did I decide to do? Rebel, by getting all F’s and feeling great about it. Until my teachers decided to go out of their way to involve my parents. All this time, I rebelled silently. I’m confident enough to rebel but too much of a coward to make it loud. And my parents still, after 3 months, don’t know about my grades. (And I still can’t get over the fact that my worth is deemed by these numbers.) And now, my rebellion just might come to light and I am absolutely terrified and scrambling to turn in all of my missing assignments to keep my teachers at bay. I have less than a week to turn in almost an entire semester’s worth of work though. I’m not here to complain about all the work, I understand that it was my fault for choosing to do so. But I was just so happy, being free from it all I let it go on for this long. I can’t end the semester with such grades, I was once a student who had near perfect grades so my sub-consciousness won’t accept that. But, while I’m slowly climbing out of the hole I dug for myself, I’m being knocked over by the anxiety of my parents finding out and having them break me because I’ve become “worthless”. My teachers going out of their way to contact my parents– terrifies me. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have done this in the first place. This is the price of my decision but I was happy being free for that time and I still want to be. It was either break under the pressure to be of worth or to break under being “worthless” by my “own” doing. I’m trying to climb back up. I know I was dumb. But please, if they involve my parents I won’t even be there to turn in those assignments. My life shouldn’t be revolving around this and I just might– make sure it won’t— I mean it won’t if I don’t have a life anymore, right?
I haven’t spoke lately, in fact I havent been on here lately for a while. I thought I finally beat depression, I thought I wouldn’t get the self harm thoughts again. I thought “yes I’ve finally set myself free”. But it isn’t that simple as that is it. I must say I am proud of myself I haven’t self harmed for a while, so there is still hope out there. However the thought still crosses my mind. What would one more do, one more line, one more scar to add what harm would that do. But depression is a black hole acting as like its a vacuum sucking you in, the deeper you go the harder it is to fight.
i first found out about ‘suicide forums’ when i was reading from a (shocker) suicide book. i quickly looked at the website, convincingly telling myself it was out of curiosity. closed the tab as if spending any more time on it would spread to me and infect me. it did. it became something i did a lot. reading through pages and pages of people and their thoughts. ironic to see so many alone people feel alone together. at this point i wouldn’t say i’m sad, i’m still. i wish i could write about how everything has messed me over. i feel drained, empty, tired of feeling out of place. i am fearful i will feel like this my entire life, unsatisfied. i sound spoiled. there’s nothing wrong with getting married, having kids, buying a house. it is too predictable. is there a point where i ‘learn to grow up’ where i realize everyone feels this way but just ignores. settles. i don’t want an expensive car. i don’t want a big house. i don’t want followers. i want to be someone. hypocritically i write on a suicide website. this is my problem. i can’t choose whether i want to change the world or take myself from it. different parts of the brain. i feel myself becoming more hopeless. be someone. be known for your kindness. impact people. you’ll never be anyone why try, end it before you’re in too far. i am so scared of ordinary. i’m scared my fear of ordinary will make me ordinary.
i am so privileged. the guilt is eating me up. ending it is cowardly but people would get over it. life moves on. people eventually move on.
17, venus.
No one wants me anymore, they pushed me out or walked away. No one cares that I cant handle it. The intense voice in my head being stuck inside, my life being sucked away from me, I cant handle it. I’m being sucked into a dark hole again and literally no one is there to help me crawl out. This isolation can last a year or more. I dont think il be able to do it. While this has been my fear since the outbreak emerged everyone didnt even think about it. Now it’s all over media, what about the mentally ill? It happened again, someone took their life over this. I swear I’m going to be next and no one really cares.
Spirals are a gorgeous shape. Simply flawless, mimicked everywhere you look in nature. Look at me trying to be profound. Spirals are simply perfect aside from their incredible downfalls. No matter how you turn them they are downward, and eventually they end.
lucky me, to be stuck in such a shape of error.
The mind flits, naturally, to curly slides and fries and cascading curls of hair on special occasions. But this spiral is not something fun. Though it may be beautiful, watching such a disaster unfold.
One thinks, this must be the final downward turn. I am but mere moments away from level ground, the sturdiness of landing. and then another turn, round and round, turning your stomach and swirling the head until one can no longer recognize themself.
It begins as a slight discomfort, an annoyance, a gnat flying in your ear, and crescendoes exponentially, yanking your guts and wrenching your soul and cracking your patience until you find yourself begging, screaming for it to end. For something to simply put you OUT of this misery.
And you remember, this is a metaphor. It isn’t physical. Nobody around you is on this ride from hell so talking of it would warrant that look. The concern, a glimpse of fear behind the eyes. And you find yourself completely alone. And then I remember that it’s me. I’m the one that’s alone. I’m the author. And I’m alone. And my spiral must soon meet its end.
my friends bday is coming up. after fucking it up last year and having a mental breakdown i want to surprise him this year and be a month clean. i want to message him and say “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! oh and my present to you because i know it will make you happy….i havent had a joint or a drink in a month 🙂 april **th was my last day.” but i cant do it. i havent had a drink in a day or so and im a b*tch. my husband mentioned that im “on edge” and thats the first time in my life ive ever heard those words, let alone heard them in mention to ME. i cant handle my relationship sober. everything is wrong. “help me i cant do it alone” “f*ck off. im independent. i can do it” “dont touch me, i think thats all you want” “dont you love me? why cant i get your attention?” i have a headache. all i can think about is my death, my paranoia. why cant someone just kill me, its obvious life wasnt meant for me.
I cant. I dug myself out of a fucking whole a year ago. I was on the brink of wanting to kill me and my kid being home all day. I’m luckily still working but I swear if I lose my job over this stupid pandemic. I’m in for it. I cant have such an available schedule. I make myself busy I do everything and anything I can to stay busy til I can’t stay awake longer. I have had mental health issues for years. I dont believe in medication. I know what keeps me balanced. If this covid BS affects me directly I’m gone. I wont be able to handle it. I know I’m not okay and I live day to day like I am. It’s a fucking joke. I’ve come so fucking far. I dont wanna feel anymore.
Nothing brings me happiness. Only my ex did, when I was with him in real life.
Going to sleep nowadays scares me because I keep having nightmares about my dad (again), even though it’s been nearly 2 years since I left him.
I’m super unproductive now. I don’t really do anything except eat, drink, shower, sleep, and fumble with my phone and laptop, mostly doing random google searches and playing a certain video game.
I feel like I’m whinging. I probably am whinging. The coronavirus stuff isn’t helping either.
I got guns in my head and they won’t go, spirit in my head and they won’t go.
For the past 2 weeks, my anxiety doubled, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat well.
And I’ve been thinking a lot lately.
It keeps coming to my head, I just wanna cry and let it out most of the time.
But I can’t, I don’t know why.
I’m at the edge.
I always ask myself, “Is it okay for me to give up?”
“Is it okay to just rest?”
I’m tired.
My body is and my mind is.
Talk to me?
’cause these thoughts are killing me.
6 Years ago, I found this website, while i was in my lowest ebb, and decided to post in here. I thought that when it was over, it would be over, however, it kept coming back. These horrific depressive episodes keep coming back. Right now, I am in my final year of uni, my life is a complete mess, I have undiagnosed ocd (magical/ superstitious thinking) I feel that every horrible feeling I had before is coming back because I didn’t do something correctly. My relationships are a mess, I fall under fearful avoidant, I jump from hot or cold, I get perpetually heartbroken, and always end up breaking hearts in a perpetual cycle of misery and suffering. I can’t handle being alone, and now that I actually am alone I can’t handle it. My obsessive compulsions are taking over my life. I am too heartbroken to function normally, and this is not the first time it has happened. I am too distracted to finish my dissertation . I may not finish it in the end. I have body image issues as well , I avoid eating as much as I can , it makes me extremely anxious. I am unable to enjoy food in any way. I recently went nofap( no porn or masturbation) in an attempt to try to heal myself , but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything. I am so alone, I can’t tell anyone , and I know it’s going to get worse. I tried, I really tried, but I keep getting lost in my own mind. I know I have undiagnosed depression, it keeps coming back , and it will not stop till it consumes me. I don’t need or want advice, I just want someone to talk to. I am too afraid to kill myself, but I don’t want to continue on anymore, I don’t know what will help, I don’t know how long more of this I can continue. I am suffering.
I always think that I’m hard to love but they said it’s not true
When I think about it deeper, yes, it’s not true
But the truth is, it’s hard to stay — in love, or to stay in general — with me.
Do you know the song of Lorde, Liability?
I feels like that most of the time
I’m a little too much for everyone/anyone to handle.
I tend to push them away and shut myself out from the world.
I want to disappear but at the same time I want to lift myself up from this darkness.
Can you help me?
Suppose for whatever reason you decide that you’re not ready to end it yet. But you’re still filled with an overwhelming sense of the futility of living. You’re still in pain, and that seems likely to only get worse. You’re still completely alone, and unable to see any possibility of meaningful connection. It still feels clear that you would be better off not existing.
Are there better ways to manage that feeling? So that it consumes you and tortures you as little as possible? I’ve been trying/failing for the best part of 12 years now.
Some random responses that come to my mind:
I’d be interested in anyone else’s experiences. Have any of you found better ways to manage despair?
Why? Well because I won’t be around very long for me to even bother creating a connection with anyone. All you are is a coworker….nothing more. It’s not that you’re a bad person or that I find you annoying. I don’t think I’m better than you or anything like that. I just know myself too well. I know I’m too broken inside to allow myself to partake in companionship. I truly believe this and so you won’t see me making an effort to sneak a joke in or start a conversation. It honestly feels foreign to me. You see I’ve been broken for a while and sometimes for some people like myself the damage is too much to repair. I’ve been like this for a while so it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve accepted this as my reality. I don’t believe in companionship anymore….not for me. Sounds grim I know but I’ve decided to restructure my philosophy on my personal life. I’ve done it in such a way that happiness is still an option for me where I can still have some form of a connection with society and others without having to partake in “ordinary” chit chat, parties, and all other non essential social events. Strangely I am fairly comfortable speaking in front of crowds as I recently discovered at an AA meeting and I also find it easier to start conversations with strangers than I do with coworkers or classmates and I realized this has to do with the fact that I know that I won’t ever have to establish a connection with them because we both know we likely won’t see each other again like the people on public transportation or at the DMV. I truly feel like a robot, Broly or like Edward Scissor Hands. My face definitely shows it that’s for sure. I suppose I often just feel numb to emotions like they just pass right through me of something. So yeah it’s no wonder why people think I’m a freak. I don’t even feel human sometimes. I can definitely laugh, get angry, smile, and be sad or excited. I still feel these things but it’s just not as frequent as those who question my odd behavior. I mean no offense when I’m silent but unfortunately it’s inevitable that some will take offense to it or come to negative conclusions about me with very little evidence. I’ve been called all kinds of names because of this from “future school shooter”, “Freak”, “mute” etc….it doesn’t even offend me anymore. I’m always inside my head and I always wanna know how things work more so than how people work. I love learning new things and staying busy working on things. I have obsession with learning more about this world and the universe and so I’m always inside my head because of this. Maybe that’s a bad thing. I think my purpose in life is to create something useful or just simply serve my community and my fellow human beings. That’s what makes me happy and the outdoors are nice too. I’m slowly learning how to enjoy my own company. Companionship is a trap for me and I’m not talking about “love” necessarily but rather just the simple concept of companionship. At most I’m more like an ally to people. I’ll offer my time, and work but please don’t get too close to me….. I won’t “open up” to you.
Hi 🙂
I hope you @ll have a great week.
and I’m sorry if it’s been hell lately. I feel it, and the isolation kills. It isn’t fair that you go through so much.
but, each one of you is unique. and it’s nice getting to know your characters on here.
🙂 have a good week this next one if you’re able
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