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I want to stop but i feel like I can’t

by lonewolf23
written by lonewolf23

I’m an alcoholic. I hate it so much because I feel like have no control over my feelings and how I react to certain things. I only drink because I’m so anxious all the time. I wish I could just relax but I take everything so negatively. People like to tease me at work and so I use alcohol as a way to relax and laugh it off but its starting to get pricey as well as unhealthy. I haven’t gone a day without drinking in months now…maybe a couple years. Its every day. And my tolerance keeps getting greater and greater. I know what I have to do but I’m scared. I feel like having a panic attack when I dont drink. I figure everyone belittles me and ridicules me because I’m just a scrawny single cashier. It sucks because so many people like to say horrible things to me and laugh at me for being a weak man. I should be stronger than this at my age but I’m not. I could’ve graduated college by now if I had gone on like the rest of the people my age. I’m a failure. I’m a pathetic excuse of a man. I notice that scrawny men get picked on more. Do I seriously have to get big and huge just for people to quit f***ing with me? So animalistic! I guess I won’t fight the truth anymore. If getting muscular is what will lessen trash talk then so be it. The physical pain is nothing compared to the constant insults I receive.

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Coping SkillsGeneral

Five Finger Fillet

by Mars_42
written by Mars_42

I can’t bring myself to consciously cut open my own skin, but I found out that I CAN play knife roulette–and the cuts I receive with each slip-up feel much better. Additionally, if anyone asks about the scars, I can just tell them about my “parlor trick”.

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General

Responsibility

by Akriloth
written by Akriloth

Well, whats responsibility, to begin with? Its a shit, a pile of it. As a student, i must attend to school, or else i wont get a better result… Fuck them all, go to hell meet Satan. I didnt fake a sickness, i “stuntman”a sickness… I made myself sick, stomach ache, gastritis, headache… And what do they say to me after meeting doct? LIAR… i told my mom im sick i need to see a doct, whats her reaction? “*giggle*” my goodness whatever. Even having such a pain in my whooooole body, they say school is important… Well then, seems like what they say is “right”, health or life is no longer comparable to school or work. U work to death, ur prob not mine, got muh moneh. Well, this is how is outside now… Now they are fine losing someone close to them than losing an occupation… Its fucked up! Im done im now planning on how to fuck them up now… FBI, or whatever, they all the same… Money, money, money… Work, work, work… U dont say ur health… YOU THINK IM GONNA STAY PUT LIKR THIS!? WORK TILL DEATH!? STUDY TILL DEATH!? WELL ID LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY THAT! CUT OFF UR HANDS AND START WORKING! I TELL YOU EVEN IF IM IN HEAVEN OR IN HELL, I WILL GET THE POWER OF GOD OR DEMON TO DESTROY YOU AND MAKE YOU SUFFER!!!!!!!!!!!! RESPONSIBILITY!!?? I WILL MAKE YOU BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR WORDS!!!

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General

All that glitters isn’t gold

by rocketman
written by rocketman

We tend to think that we want things then find out, WE REALLY DIDN’T WANT THEM AS MUCH AS WE THOUGHT!

Remember everything comes at a cost. In other words it isn’t always good to dwell over something and let it eat you alive, then find that out.

There are always exceptions to the rules.

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General

Liftime f***up

by jbro0
written by jbro0

Here I am again alone with my thoughts. Almost 40 and still messing up. I’m a regular shy guy. I’d like to say I’m fit, but I’m kidding myself; bit of skinny fat. Anways, the only relationship I’ve ever had was over a decade ago. Even that was kinda of a sham. She was recently separated and I was her comforting coworker… We had a deal to just help me loose my virginity and to not fall in love. But we did. And she cheated on me a year later. Messed me up pretty bad. Took me a long time to get over it (many years and a psyche ward visit), but I finally did.

Got on many dating sites and nothing. Met a friend and we were friends on and off for like 8 years until last year when I told her how I felt and she ghosted me. Never really led to anything really.

I don’t make friends that easy, cause I’m shy and have no self esteem. I’ve been working at the same place for years and sorta made friends with my boss’s daughter who is 6 years younger than me. We stopped chatting for a few years until she came started working in my office last year. We grew pretty close or so I thought. Since October of last year We talked everyday about anything and it felt pretty good.

I left at the beginning of this year for basic since I’m in the reserves and when I came back I noticed how distant she got. Last month I once again wrote a letter saying how I felt and it’s gotten pretty bad. Even more distant. My reaction is to shut down and just ignore her at work. I’ve dobe this before for petty discussions, but not as long or bad as this. A few weeks ago she was furious and blocked me on one of our messaging platforms. I said my sorrys and what not and We started talking a bit on FB, but it just hasn’t been the same at all. I remember when she would tell me everything even stuff I really didn’t need to know. Now nothing and makes me look like the bad guy who is jealous and a drama queen.

I really miss her and I think this time there is no going back. No fixing it this time or at least think in my head that things will go back as before like last year. She made me lower my wall and show emotion just to take my heart and step all over it. I think what I’m most sad is that I’ve wasted my youth on these types of women and that’s it for me. Never could date when I waa young, even worse now that I’m older.

There’s more stuff to unpack, but this thread is long enough already.

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General

Heed My Warning

by Hope Dream Love
written by Hope Dream Love

if you find something from your past avoid it like the plague. i didnt and now i feel like shit.

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General

by Escalado
written by Escalado

Hey Rocketman,

Needing a private chat, man. Thanks for accepting !!!

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General

Trying to fix my words

by NewMe
written by NewMe

So yesterday I kinda talked to this girl (that I have a crush on but that’s not important rn) and we talked about why I don’t want her help with figuring out my problems and why I don’t want to share that much but I was slightly drunk and now I just really don’t know how I feel about what I told her. I told her the truth so why do I still regret my words? I think I kinda disappointed her by what I said like you know the feeling when you just wanna help somebody so much but they won’t let you bc they feel that there’s nothing that you could do so you start feeling so helpless and powerless about it. I think this is what she feels like now and I just really hate myself for that cause I don’t wanna be the reason why she feels sad or powerless I want her to be happy. So what do I do now?

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GeneralStories of Loss

just tired

by icantdecide123
written by icantdecide123

my girlfriend recently passed and I have a hard time coping with it through the same drugs that got her killed. I accidentally overdosed with 4 xans and a bottle of alcohol and I was put in ICU with tubes down my throat. i’m just tired and so drained. my life is getting tiring idk what to do

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General

more overblown cryptic pondering

by thehusk
written by thehusk

I should probably end it. Especially if I’m not going to do the right thing (I’m not.) People like me shouldn’t be. You reach a certain level of moral corruption and you’re no longer capable of living a normal life. And I just don’t have it in me to do the whole self-sacrificing redemption arc thing. So, self-destruction it is.

But that requires letting go. Detaching from all the impossible dreams I’ve built up over the years. Affirming that all the beauty present in this world is not worth tolerating this kind of suffering and alienation for. Allowing the full weight of my self-inflicted misery to finally infect those who care for me.

I just don’t think I have the heart to do it. To let go of who I could’ve been. To draw a line under the failure of my life. To contaminate all the positive memories of my youth with the truth of my ultimate worthlessness. I can’t seem to do it. I’m too hooked on the delusions of my past. I can’t bring myself to crush it all. To crumple up the repulsively stained script of my life and throw it in the trash where it belongs.

But I should. And that’s a real mindfuck. To know I shouldn’t exist, but keep attempting to continue. So many opportunities for self-sabotage.

It would seem rational to attempt to minimise the amount of suffering I cause myself while still in existence. Except that I deserve to suffer. People like me should suffer. Any happiness or peace I did find would be a further failure of conscience.

Apparently it’s not enough to fear the flames and pitchforks. You must repent of your actions in your heart. And I don’t. Not unequivocally. That’s the funny thing about evil – it doesn’t leave you, even when you recognise it. I can understand something’s wrong, and feel guilty and ashamed at times, yet still want to do it again at others.

So I’m not reformed, repenting, contrite, or saved. I’m essentially channelling my own evil, attempting to avoid contaminating others too badly whilst doing so. But I really shouldn’t. I should cease existence. I’m a cancer. A public health risk.

Dopamine distractions are always tempting, but tend to end in other kinds of suffering. Tearing it all down is fun while it lasts, but all I’m often left with is a greater awareness of how far I’ve fallen.

I’m alone, with the constant fear of the guilt and the evil within. A little hell of my own creation. Maintaining any kind of resolve feels impossible.

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General

Little black duckling

by cindys heck corner
written by cindys heck corner

I hate my Dad,i hate my Mom and i hate my Sister too. My mother and sister both says im a psycopath and that i should be hospitilized. My Father once told me im a bad daughter and a piece of trash and my Mom called me a monster. My Sister is constantly trying to get my parents to punish me. She always says that im a weirdo and that nobody likes me because of that, and that i will die alone. She once even cried because she said i was weirdly dressed and that im not into “fashion”. My Father has violent tendencies and i wouldnt be suprised if i got hitted by him,and more than once i got hardly beaten by my Mother. I hate having the feeling that my parents are ashamed of me. I hate myself for hating my family and that’s something i will never forgive to myself. Im a fucking coward and i dont deserve my family. Im guilty and i deserve to be unfairly treated. :'(

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General

Reasons why I want to die (Rambling)

by theblackveal
written by theblackveal

No one believes I will make it into medical school so I have kept my application as a secret.

My brother is getting ready to propose to his girlfriend, someone I detest. I would rather die than to go to their wedding and I’m not just saying it for attention.

If there were a choice, I would rather stay single and childless for him NOT to marry her. I would even be willing to make a pact with the devil.

I just graduated graduate school a month ago and my loans are already due. ($80,000 in loans)

Having a hard time studying for the MCAT that takes place in 3 weeks… all I want is to die.

The only couple of real reasons I have to live is that I cannot leave my cat… I don’t think my family will treat her well if I died.

I’ve been sent to a mental ward from a previous attempt and I don’t ever want to go back. Not to mention I don’t have the money to pay.

I just wanted to get out there.  I want out.

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General

Unsure ill take anyones opinion and listen to your reasons why

by Hope Dream Love
written by Hope Dream Love

if youre unsure of something should you do it? i know the typical answer is no but in a case like this im unsure. let me explain a bit. im thinking about getting a tattoo. now in a case like this if one is unsure the answer is again no. this is a permanent life choice dont do it if you arent sure duh. but again this isnt your typical case. i want a tattoo for my depression. its going to go on my left wrist just above my cuts and its going to read “remember that i love you” as a reminder to those i love and those that care about me. and its not that i dont want it i do. id love to have it and id think it would do me wonders to have that reminder there. but it is permanent. although i believe it will always have meaning i still fear that maybe one day ill regret it. any thoughts?

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRantsStories of Loss

what’s there

by li
written by li
don't go if you are not sure she said

but i'm never sure

i'm never sure of what is there tomorrow
if there is any tomorrow

i am replaceable
"no you are not"

maybe the memory are not
but the feeling is
the feeling you have on me
you can have on someone else

so i am replaceable
i dont belong here
someone else will take my place
someone better

i mean nothing to me

i've got to leave soon

so don't make it more difficult

ive loved you kissed you, hated you
still im here

but i wish im not

i wanted to stay for you
i still do

but its too much

love.li
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General

Weed

by cindys heck corner
written by cindys heck corner

Smoking pot became a rutine. I get high every single day and if i dont do,i get really depressed and dark thoughts start eating my conciousness. Im totally aware of my adicction and that weed is slowly converting me in a sloth. Yes,a sloth. And i mean it. Lately im feelling very slothful,my lack of energy is constantly increasing and my enthusiasm for things totally disapeard. Weed makes me so sluggish that sometimes im even lazy to cook and everytime im much more sure to describe myself as an antisocial teen. Is it even normal to cancel every  plan with your friends and family just to get a high while being alone? Eventhough smoking herb is helping me with all my struggles and it heals me like nothing else does, i know i should stop my daily smoking as soon as possible because as every drug,its not only developing a big dependency on me, but it’s also making my mind slower and blurred. I can also add other health problems that weed provoques me. Every time im on this substance, i devour the whole fridge even though im not hungry. I eat untill i cant no more, without following my diet.

Im so trapped and i dont know what to do.       Should i stop? Or should i continue? …

 

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General

Protected: I fundit… besoj XD

by Darvin
written by Darvin

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

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General

by Jack
written by Jack

I have some problems l can’t really solve, they are hard to talk about

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General

Piggy

by ravingbean
written by ravingbean

I fantasize about taking the one person I hate the most with me.

Continue Reading
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General

8:55pm

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

long time no post!!!

i always randomly remember i have this account right when i need it. a whole lot has happened since the last time i posted anything, and honestly it hasn’t been too bad; bearable, i’d say. obviously, there’s many times i wanna sleep forever (guess who still isn’t able to sleep properly!!!!) but on may of last year i started going to university, so i don’t have much time to do anything basically. it’s definitely been an experience and i’m mostly happy about it; i feel like i chose something i could be good at. i just fear that everything that has happened won’t ever let me rest, let’s say. i don’t know how to explain it.

i’m scared, honestly. i don’t want to be alone again, but i feel like i am… and i don’t know how to feel about that lol. i read my previous posts and they sound really dramatic, though it’s like i conveyed what i was feeling at the time very well; i was able remember most of the things i said after reading them, and very vividly. i suppose i’m not too bad at writing! that’s a relief since what i’m studying has a little bit to do with that? headaches are still going strong, but i’m thinking about talking to someone about everything; my thoughts are getting exhausting

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