For general topics related to the site.
What would it be like to not have to deal, hear, feel, sense, contemplate, think, or do any of this anymore. Just zero. A state you will never know. Over.
For general topics related to the site.
In the words of Jean Luc Picard, “…there are fewer days ahead than there are behind.” Thank goodness. I’ve probably experienced 400,000 suicides/violent executions over the years. There was a 20 year period where I would run scenes in my mind anywhere from 20 to 100 times a day. I stopped for awhile, and restarted somewhere between five and ten years ago. Sometimes the target is my head; sometimes my heart. Once in a while, it’s a whole body total annihilation thing.
I have multiple keys to exit. I can leave any time.
I’m employed and am employable. For all of my complaints, I work on interesting problems that require creative solutions. I’m paid well and paid fairly. Family is somewhere between functional and good, if imperfect; there are no issues of abuse. The bills are small, there’s money in the bank; finances aren’t an issue. From an objective perspective, life is good.
I hate my life. I wish I was dead.
A little while ago I was ready to leave. There was nothing dramatic about it, just a feeling this is it. There’s no reason to continue. Leave.
My mental health is good. Physical health is good. IQ is in the gifted range. According to others, I function well socially. Although an introvert, I can approach almost anyone I want for conversation, including intimidatingly attractive people of the opposite sex.
I don’t lie, cheat, steal. I don’t envy. I’m happy when others succeed. My locus of control is virtually all internal; I control my destiny.
An hour ago the thought in my mind was that it was time. I knew how to go. It was no big revelation, wasn’t some bit of insanity, just, “It’s time to go.” It would have been easy, would have been quick. There’d have been no interruptions.
It isn’t that life sucks. Life is just boring and pointless. We’re born. We grow up. We make babies. We grow old. We die. Rah. We’re no more than moss in the forest.
I’m not leaving by my own hand, not today anyway. At least I know the end is closer.
i’m seeing myself, the things around me, as me, in third person.
i’m seeing everything at once, i’m hearing everything at once, i ‘m feeling nothing but everything at once.
i don’t understand what this is, i can’t identify myself as myself anymore. i can’t even hate myself because i can’t recognize her anymore. i feel strange, i can’t explain it.
everything feels new, my hands, the pillow, the world. i feel like i’ve been born one second ago, i want to show you what i see, but i don’t know what i see either. i feel like i’m slowly going insane from the imagery and art i want to create, i don’t understand. i can’t remember my past, i can’t remember my goals, i’m not even on drug, i’m feeling a emotion of another person.
I found someone who I like and that likes me back. but the catch? I keep overthinking it. constantly worrying about if he will lose feelings or will find someone better. because lets be real there is always going to be better. there’s going to be someone who doesn’t have the flaws that I do. this is the exact reason I have avoided relationships for the past four years. I ruin before the relationship is already ruined. I can’t help to think that person is just going to fuck me over.
I haven’t been on this page for six months. I guess you can say things were going better and yes, I’ve had some good times. I’ve traveled, I have a boyfriend now, my meds have been working, my relationship with my family is ok… But there’s always a catch.
So here’s the real adult problems that we have to face and people can see: big decisions ahead (I need to get a Masters degree and money is a real issue), I have to a get a better job, make my relationship work or finding a new one.
And then there is the pain that we go through and don’t tell almost anyone: feeling lonely and lost in my relationship, missing motivation in work, not finding the strength to come near my decision-making.
Anxiety is running wilder in head as time passes by. I want to break up with him but then I don’t. I wanna move again and start all over but then I remember it’s not that easy. I need to get into a good school but I feel overwhelmed and nervous that I won’t get in.
Luckily (or not?) I’m not having suicidal thoughts and that might be because of my meds but I still feel the weight on my shoulders and the urge of giving up.
Today you save me again
Why you always come and save me when im at my limit
Why you always give me hope and light
Why I cant let you go
Even tho I always try to forget you
Even tho I try to suppress this feeling
At the end I always end up reaching you
Sometimes you look like you dont care about me
Sometimes you chat and ask about me
You keep gping back and forth
Why we have different principal and life
But why we like each other
Why I just lke you more and more
Why you like me
And we know if we are together
Nothing good will come
Can I just have you for a night
I want to love you with all of me
Feeling you in my arms
Smiling amd holding your hands
Thank you for saving me today
Holding your hand and arm
Walking with you like couple
Can make me happy and feel calm
Before I die
I want you
you know when you just don’t feel anything, nothing feels good, no one is important and you sit in the middle of 200 people and no one knows you want to slit your wrists and die. i wanna stab myself but i don’t have my blade, i at some point changed to smoke instead of cut but now smoking doesn’t feel satisfying enough, i can’t rant more than i already do, somehow as if ranting will make things better but not really. it’s just when you truly understand how much of a nothing you are, average at best, maybe not really average but then you have nothing to offer. i can’t remember the last time i enjoyed a drawing or truly read a book. i keep telling myself lies, that it’ll change, that life will get better, but it’s more pointless day by day. i can’t seem to feel, i want to feel so much, be anything, do anything and actually feell. maybe when i kill myself i’ll feel something, maybe it’ll be like breathing, maybe i’ll realize how much i suffered for nothing. i don’t think i even deserve to call myself sad, i have everything. i’m just ungrateful and dumb. i don’t want to be alive, the thought of being alive hurts. i don’t want to even wait to be loved cuz it’ll never truly happen. i don’t want to even reach anything or work or grow i want to die. i have to move and pretend it’s alright. when the sight of my existence makes me want to slit my throat. i don’t think it’s possible to ever get out of it. i keep telling people that there is so much to live for when in reality, nothing really matters, i’m better off dead, please let me die.
i don’t understand what is real anymore. i don’t know if i’m overly sensitive and overthinking or if i’m just feeling everything. i understand what’s going on in their mind about me, yet i don’t.
last night, i was so happy, i woke up this morning and my head was clear, i don’t understand why i am feeling this way right now.
i can feel it, i’m sure of it, they find me annoying in one way or another. i don’t understand why they feel superior to me, i actually do understand, it’s just me. they cant love me for who i am if i can’t love myself, in fact, just the thought of existing disgusts me. i don’t understand why it’s so painful talking to people yet i kept doing it again and again, testing my luck, waiting for the one time i say something correct, something they want to hear, something they agree with. i don’t understand anything anymore.
i can’t share everything, i don’t want to share anything, i kept sharing, i kept annoying them, until it fucks this up again and again, until i finally say something that’ll make them hate me. i can’t do it. people around me are my whole world, i can’t afford to be hated, i can’t feel this way. if i’m upset all the time, if i rant to them all the time, they would be annoyed. i don’t know how to live correctly anymore. i can’t type anymore, i can’t do this, i can’t do this, i’m faking this depression, let me wake up, i thought it was getting better
it is 1am and I am beyond drunk on fatigue… I am angry and oddly aroused and it stirs in me a wonderful fascination. Anger and lust – the most primitive functions of the brain! The sole catalysts of the most heinous acts of man… man, simply a monkey motorized by a heightened ability to absorb data and infer that data’s behavior and its sequential result… and what does it do with this extraordinary capacity for complex reasoning? It materializes the nightmares conjured by the stupid, oafish monkey that lurks within that marvelous, meretricious shell of false civility! of false refinement! All of dignified society is but a theatrical waltz, a seductive masquerade that foments nothing but the base, putrid lewdness it belies to condemn! Beauty and dignity is a charade, savagery is the only honest truth… because only savagery and barbarity is rooted in our biological programming. Empathy, the distinguishing trait of humans is nothing more than a driving mechanism to make savagery more accessible. it creates communities so that war and iniquity can be realized, it’s higher priority evinced by the fact that we so easily cast away love and intimate bonds when the call of anger, jealousy, greed and all other primitive compulsions compels us to do so. Ugly monkeys, sorrowful wretches, abysmal, salacious brutes is the face of man!
I can’t stand my life
I wanna die
can’t really find some will to live
i feel like shit
I wanna find someway out of this
just got the jist inside my mind
im out of licks
why do I find myself in this mess
I cant feel like this
why did I come across you
godda fine some way out my mind
godda find somebody to give me time
why can’t i reach you I’m blind
I juat want someone to know
I found myself
I juat want aomeone to knlw
I loat my home
I juat want someone tl hold
oh no i dont
i cant figure out my mind I knew I,was blind
I can get assorted downers, weed, and of course I’ve been making plain old alcohol for the better part of a decade now. I’ve been telling others they shouldn’t do this kind of stuff for a long time because it’ll most likely be a ***** to get out of after, not to mention the chance of getting arrested and everything else. I’m finding myself more and more into drinking the feelings away and have been mixing that with otc depressants to push it further for the last couple of months though. Could take that next step. Might even be able to sell some drugs for a better income. No one’s got my back even though I’m supposed to have theirs. Really am starting to wonder why I have any of these morals at all I guess. What have those morals even done other than stopped me from living my life the way I want to?
Just random thoughts, random questions I’m asking myself “out loud” on here right now.
Last night my boyfriend and I got into a fight. It was stupid. And he hurt me so bad, that I am now trying, heeding to find ways to change how I look, and who I am.
It all started on Tuesday. He asked me if I was busy Thursday night, I said yes I am. He all of a sudden started acting upset/mad. I’m thinking it is probably because he can’t hang with me. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t wanna fight with him. Wednesday, he started ignoring me. Thursday, last night, he still ignored me. He knew I was pissed and he talked to me, it ended up being a huge fight.
He then told me “I know a few girls, if I asked they would date me.” That comment made me pissed, and he didn’t want me to be pissed. He made things worse than they needed to be. It made me feel like he didn’t care, like I wasn’t important to him, like I was replaceable. I broke up with him, because my boyfriend shouldn’t make me feel like that. I didn’t want to be with someone who would disrespect me like that.
Today, he told me he wanted to break up with me, he couldn’t get himself to break up with me, so he was hoping I would. He got his wish. He says he is sorry, but I believe he is not sorry.
I am now tomorrow after I’m done with work, I am dying my hair to a red color. I feel like I need to change something because I need a new life. A new beginning. I am going to start working on myself. Maybe I can find happiness again, and help you guys and others find their happiness. But, I have told myself maybe I can be happy again, but that hasn’t happened yet. But for now I need to take baby steps.
Hope you all have a nice night. XOXO AJ
I often think about how life is such a waste… a wealth of experience that culminates to nothing. Every day is intended to bring grandeur to the next or a day in the far future, and how useless it all feels… There are things I desire, some burn with feverish intensity… but then it all feels useless, as though its achievement is nothing more than a formality of life. What use is experience if it is unbearable, endless and ultimately unproductive? I could throw it all away, everything I’ve worked for… but then what is achieved? I could fulfill the purpose I’ve initiated, but when all is done and I’ve gained what I desire, what then? What have I really done but fooled around in vain fancy, a slave to the caprice of fantasy? Every day is truly a struggle, an inexorable combat with the oppressive weight of life’s dull uselessness. I don’t want to die, but what is the use in existing? Piggishness is the impetus of man, to consume in gluttony so that one may consume in even greater quantities… and it is all so mundane and worthless. Sorrowful is the sentient thing, for it can know how paltry it truly is.
I appreciate those who choose the way
They are so brave
I wish i have that much of brave
But avtially im jist getiing smaller amd shrink
I poor myself because of the path i choose
Mau parents always tell what to do
But if i think again…
Im part of that fault
Cause I dont try my best to persuade them
Cause I dont try my best to tell them what i love to do
Im ended up here
Tainted and hurt
Everything I love already gone with the thin air
I hate myself
I hate how i look amd smile
And trying to hide my gloomy and sad trueself
Just like him and her
The brave one
They always smile laugh and brush everything off
They try to be kind
Cause theu hope oneday someone will helm them
Someone will understand amd help them
We dont want to hurt people
But people hurt us
They step so hard in our cutted wrist
Pretending not kmow amything
How about we
We finaly choose the best way
Not to hurt people
We just want to poof and gone
And let ourselves find peace
Being kind is a curse
If i wake up again let me be killer