The effects of suicide on family and friends.
i’m going to scream all i’ve been doing for the past three days (between meltdowns+panic attacks) is scrubbing and cleaning to prepare for my partner’s birthday (because only three days ago he told me that we are hosting the party instead of having it at H’s house like usual) and it’s been physically exhausting and sensory hell and i’ve been perpetually soaked in filthy water.
usually i get up and then 2 or 3 hours later he wakes up but H is picking the both of us up an hour before i usually get up which means i’ll need to wake him up before she comes to get us. and i can’t take a shower in the morning without waking him and his parents (we live with his parents) super early which would be such a dick move!!! i’d probably be willing to do it if it was just him but his poor mom had trouble enough as it is sleeping so i’m not going to do that to her! so i already warned all of them that tonight after i do evening chores i was going to take a shower and ugh
i’m in the middle of scrubbing dishes (part of evening chores) with my headphones on and the water goes lukewarm out of nowhere and i take off my headphones and he is filling the bath to soak before bed which he does not usually do. apparently it’s a pre-birthday treat so he feels and smells nice tomorrow but which he deserves, it’s nice for him to treat himself and he’s got one of those glittery pink lush bath bombs and i’m happy he’s treating himself i just wish it wasn’t right now, or that he’d warned me first
so now i’m sitting here dishwater-soggy clothes with pruney hands as he waits for the hot water to come back so he can finish filling the tub, so that i can wait for the hot water to finish the dishes and counters, so that i can wait for the hot water again for my shower. and it’s like half an hour before everyone usually goes to bed so i know this means i’ll be keeping everybody up (which is not as bad as waking them up early bc is usually takes his mom an hour or so of reading before she really starts to sleep but it still sucks and makes me feel shitty).
and in the busyness of it all i forgot to wash my clothes like i was supposed to today so i don’t have fresh boxers or one of my nicer shirts for tomorrow.
and i’m trying my hardest not to cut or to bite myself right now because my skin is covered in dirty-ass water (and i’m paranoid abt another infection) and because I can only take showers with all-hot water which totally fucks with my open wounds in a bad way so i try to avoid it when i can