Family & Friends Effects

honestly i want to focus on myself and focus on my mental health so i just dropped all my friends one by one in the kindest way possible. i dont know if this was a good decision or not since i mean alot to some of them but honestly sometimes i hate them and sometimes i dont. they do shitty things and make me want to not talk to them but unless i actually ghost them i cant hold a grunge and completely stop talking to them. most of them didnt care anyways so its fine but idk if i did the right thing

The title is, what I’ve used as the first line for a ‘matchmaking’ profile on a chat portal. I’ve had 8 matches that day, excitingly hitting everyone up, in expectation of finding fun people to hang around with. Well… Not even that little tool filters out all of those braindead morons.

Some didn’t know what to say at all, I had to pluck it out of their noses and some gave me not only ONE but TWO emojis as replies all the time. It’s cool, that apparently you’re laughing but I didn’t open an open mic show, I wanted an actual nice conversation about anything really. I could even talk about Flip Flops, for Christ’s sake.

It’s nothing new that hit me, while I kept trying to find a base of conversation, getting nothing in return, but.. I just can’t accept, that 99% I meet are that way. And I can’t follow, what the hell ever happened, that people got into such a poor social state. One even tried to explain to me, that the matchmaking was broken and tried to tell me to f@ck off. Wow. Do I need an effing VIP ticket to talk to you now.? I’d be stoked, if someone hit me up, mistake or no mistake in the match, to be open and fun around me.

I do understand, that people can be shy but if you’re not willing to even try saying anything, why hang around in a chat portal.? You could spend your time more useful and not be a ghost toward anyone who makes an attempt to getting to know you. I’m extremely anxious too in being awfully rejected, so much that I’ll remember it years later, because I can’t fucking let anything go.. And look at me.! I’m still going towards the option of not being a rude asshole or ignorant and boring.

Maybe I sound hateful, but who knows if there’s anything up some people’s heads, and if they actually question anything in this world. Buuut here is the somewhat jolly end: One person didn’t suck. Actually the complete opposite. She was really mindful about so many things, having suffered from similar fears before and having more experience than I do. Well, I have plenty of experience just not the capability to ever learn to stop trying to be my best version and to expect it in return from others too. We’ve filled the max. letter count in every of our responses for hours.

Seeing as there was one out of 8, that was a gem, maybe I should just keep trying.?

The world is getting worse and worse. I don’t think it’ll get better. Floods will come, more politics s**t. The world isn’t going to unify to combat floods, it’s bs, it’s everyone on their own and every country for itself.

I don’t want to be around during all this turmoil in the next decade. All I want is to have a small, nice house with solar panel roof and a small garden, in a pleasant suburb. No technology, no internet, no politics, no bs, but peace, just peace. A stable wife who’s my best friend, and free time to spend with our children.

I don’t want to work +30 years until I can have that, what’s this bs? There’s plenty of space. When was it that we were tricked into living in these concrete jungles, when were you, my soul, stripped away from the surrounding that spoke to your instinct, from your natural habitat..

What to do, what to do.. I’ve been thinking about the possibility on living in a dugout in some northern mountain in norway, with hydrophonics/aerophonics to provide me with all the food. I don’t need internet, I don’t wanna be tracked, I don’t want no drones spying. Damn, why can’t I just live a simple life in a pleasant house with a best-friend wife, good children and a supporting community of friendly people.

Meet Agafia, who survived the mindless crazy Soviet persecutions, and the blood-draining WW2, and the Communist bs, by simply living in the Russian wilderness all her life: youtube. com/watch?v=ElWn8wy_Z74

Her parents went there and who knows the troubles they’ve saved themselves from by doing so. It won’t be any different this coming decade, I just think of the probabilities. Floods and drought displacing tens of millions, massive migrant crises (may we have the heart to have compassion on all), gov survelliance, killing all the millions who disagree, famine, new methods of torture thanks to technology, mandatory brain implants, etc.

It’s just so sadly funny, but the Covid won’t be ending neither.. :’d  people are too radicalized/politicized to think straight. Please, just, how can we spare ourselves all the pains of the coming times. Who needs social upheaval, I don’t want to be there. I don’t want glory, I just want peace.

I’m afraid.. of the torture methods that there’ll exist. I’m just afraid, I don’t know what to do, there’s no stability in the world. How the god-like Government will want to know everything, and will use it against all; being everyone’s worst enemy but being un-overthrowable, because of its drone army.

I don’t know what to do.. a cabin in the wilderness isn’t feasible because there’ll be drones scanning the landscape, they know I exist, they know everyone. I just want peace, don’t know what to do..

Hi! This is something I want to tell someone but I don’t exactly have people that I trust enough to tell. Or maybe I’m looking for advice? I don’t know— But I’m kinda conflicted with my body image. I think that I look just fine with my stretch marks and all that. Then there’s society’s image and I’m afraid of people seeing my stomach or notice how my thighs are a lot thicker than the other girls my height. I don’t cook either, I rarely step into the kitchen because I’m a mess in there. My mom is the only one who cooks and basically gatekeeps everything and is perfectly content with me only eating one meal a day so that I go back to being 80lbs but the problem is that I was 83lbs and that still wasn’t enough then. Then I went up to 96lbs and she’s not all that happy about it. I know I shouldn’t try so hard to please her but I like to eat and if I don’t lose weight she won’t let me. But if I don’t eat, which I kind of plan to, she threatens me to eat. Maybe I just wanted to rant… this has been going on for three years now since I first started to gain weight in middle school. But, to be fair I was thinking of offing myself often back then.

This day was a rollercoaster of good and bad. In me trying to find sense in other people’s actions. I did okay. But you know what.? It took me the whole day, but there’s no fucking sense to be found. People are just assholes, end of story.!

“You should totally get that app or social media, I’ll love you for it, but secretly I just want you to like my posts and share my own mind in my staged-as-fuck stories. Oh, did you see my many gifts I wrapped for aaaaall of my many friends, look how fortunate I am. Oooh, what did you get for Christmas.? Oh, socks that’s so… haha, pathetic. No, dude I so didn’t see the things you wrote in the group chat, don’t you understand, that the word ‘read’ needs to actually be there, so I have taken a few seconds out of my day, to listen to you.? Oh, don’t be like that, I only come here to talk to important people and give a thumbs up to every single pic of that one hashtag I like.”

I actually feel like, this is the perfect impersonation of every friend on social media. I don’t understand, how others enjoy this.? Are they all masochistic jerks.? Like damn, a few days there feed my depression worse than any form of lifelong gluttony ever could.

My group had something important to talk about so I unfreezed my account, only to be ignored then. Thing is, you can only deactivate it once every week. That’s a long-ass time to be painfully made aware, that nobody really cares if you get, what they wanted you to get.

I got really close today to post something really risky, divided into a few levels of inappropriateness. Either a very mellow depression quote and maybe a corny black and white picture OR straight up post a story with something suicide related and old faded scars on your arms. (So basically my very normal start of the week.)

Imagine them tapping on my first ‘story’ ever and then seeing something like THAT. I’m not going to lie, I would love to see their faces lit up like: “Wait.! Are you telling me, they’re depressed.?! That one person, who always acts so friendly and talks so much.? I don’t get this at all. Kinda pathetic to post it out here for anyone to see. Geez I’ve had so much fun with my pointless shit, that they’ve ruined now.. I should just pretend I didn’t see this and- oooh, Kylie brought out a new rouge palette to contour my fake nose blush.! (Seriously what is that.?) Liked and shared.<3 #SoCheap her last blush was like 80$, now it's only 70$ and this one looks sooo different from the last one."

Am I the only one who sees people all around me like these phony’s, who only care about their own needs and more so WANTS.? It’s so tiresome to see the youth in this vortex, treating someone popular like a god/goddess and treat their friends like dogshit. My friend had the nerve to show up today out of nowhere after a few years and say: “I think we had a misunderstanding, that’s why we stopped talking.” Uhm, no. You were always gone for weeks and when you did return, you didn’t even know what we both last talked about, while having time to post 5 pictures on instagram daily and reply to every comment there.

My point is, that I can see the need of people wanting to appear perfect on these sites, while inside of them they are so rotten, not even maggots want to fill up on that. But it’s not for me and I think it shouldn’t be for anyone. Okay, I get that I shouldn’t overanalyze a bottomless pit for it to become a whole castle of deceit. But I guess I can’t just start to follow blindly into this concept of endless comparison to other people’s lives, just like being a follower to their accounts.

But for real though. Being a follower isn’t the creepy dude in the alley at night anymore or the one, where you follow someone’s messed up beliefs into a cult. How did that word get so messed up in meaning.? Although at this point calling them ‘friends’ just like normal sites will let you do, isn’t true in that realm.

I guess I have to thank SP for letting me rant about this, where people won’t get upset about it. (At least I hope, you’re not all hardcore social media butterflies…) Thanks for not making me post something before bed, that no one will unsee.! Just gotta breathe through Wednesday, to lay my account on ice again, so that I won’t be able to do something impulsive. Oh and:

<3 Virus.Found tagged you in this picture, which shows people, that are still alive this week.

I am just so tired. I do not want to hurt my family or my friends, I do not want to become more of a burden dead than I am alive. But I do not want to be here anymore. No part of me wants to live and the only reason I am is to protect others. I can’t keep living just to make others happy. I haven’t wanted to live since I was in 3rd grade, I am now a sophomore in college. Yes, look at how far I have come. You can tell me to keep going. I don’t want to. I want my family to understand that I just need to die. Help isn’t helping, I don’t even want it to. I just want to leave and finally be at peace, be with my father and my dog up in heaven.

It would break my family, but living is breaking me.

I wish they could understand and accept it so I could say goodbye, leave them knowing they did nothing wrong.

I was trying so immensely to have ONE positive day once in a while. It worked for like 5 hours and then my head started to make up the worst possible scenarios again. And I overspilled with my words AGAIN. Nobody wants to hear my thoughts.

I’m starting to think I have mania, I’m going crazy man. I could pick up a school bus with this overflow of energy. And I can’t sleep. I could not f@cking sleep for days. I’m a sound sleeper, that’s extremely unusual to me.

I thought I was okay for today, I really did think so. But then there was nobody to talk to at all. I even spoke to people I don’t necessarily like. Yesterday at night someone set a trash bin on fire outside. It was bright orange and it looked beautiful, not going to lie. Police was already in the neighborhood, as usual. I took some cool photos. Something happened in my life, I need to tell pe- ..oh, wait. Nobody cares, right..

Apparently it’s a holiday or something, so everyone’s busy and I don’t care about that bullsh@t. My friend asked me, if I was going to put up a real or plastic tree. Try neither. I can’t fit that monster into my flat.! My friends all have beautiful houses. The only dance I have space for at home, is to spin around myself. My friends have a great life. Mine is filled with an occasional illegal bonfire in front of my home. Jealousy is a nasty thing for sure.

Anyway, I just flipped out on my friend, just for having a great day, while I was a lonely potato. I think I need to hurt myself again… I can’t stand this life anymore. I keep dropping silent suicidal bombs around everyone and nobody cares. I feel so unwanted and so.. wrong. Happy holidays to you dear reader…

Nothing ever works in my favor. I started losing friends one by one every fucking year and blamed myself for not being good enough, barely getting through my childhood with once used-to-be abusive father. I’m glad he’s changed now but the effects never really went away. Nothing in my life works in my way. I am desperately clinging on to the job that I am suffering in because I have to support my family, my mom is really sick but I cant go back because of the pandemic, and every fucking day I have to go through a whole anxiety attack before I start work. I am really tired. I am clean from self harm, but the thoughts keep coming back everyday I’m just scared someday I’ll find the courage to go through with it. I’m really tired living this life. I just wanted to disappear and never exist. What good do I even bring when I live?