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The effects of suicide on family and friends.

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Dance With My Worthlessness

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

I’m someone who likes to draw, to edit pictures (especially of games) and write my own stories. This year something happened and I lost all interest for my hobbies. I’ve recently just started to regain some interest but… It’s like nothing I do, seems great enough.

I’ve also noticed my friends, that I always share it with, being rather uninterested. I’m not sure whether my perception is just ‘wrong’ or it’s really because I’m shit. I keep thinking: What even is the point of doing this.? If I don’t think it’s good and people around me don’t really care, then why do I waste my time.? I could rather just sit on the couch and watch my favorite series a fifth time with a bag of chips.

I’ve had some dark days lately.. You know it’s bad, when you casually throw around that you want to kill yourself or even just put it into a joke. Even when I didn’t do anything important, I’ve always put a lot of meaning into my art. It was always like: Wow, I actually did something with my day. But now.? I just want to be dead. I don’t want to write about depression. I don’t want to draw faces, that aren’t recognizable as living creatures. And I don’t want to edit something not so beautiful, into something beautiful.

The sad part is, my best friend always makes it about her, whenever I feel bad about myself. It’s unbelievable. I can’t even have an argument with her, she keeps saying: “It’s a pity you think like that (about me)” I had to tell her three times in the span of 2 days: IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.! My subtle hints of me being miserable, seem to go unnoticed. So I have to tell it, like it is.

Imagine building a minefield around a person and each time you add one more. And you see that person dancing around it. It’s infuriating, when no one gets my pain. I even told her very raw: “You may think, I’m being so dramatic lately and negative but truth is, even when I tell you so much, there’s just so many things I hold back. Things I do, to feel somewhat okay. And what I really fucking feel inside.”

You want the truth.? I live with myself every day and yet… I can’t even put what I go through into words. Maybe I feel like: Oh, yeah this is actually what everyone does. But it’s not.!!! I have a friend, who has about as much social anxiety as me and she explains her daily struggles and I’m baffled how much those sound like my own fears. Or even quirks, she does, whenever she’s scared or tired or stressed.

I can write complicated characters in my stories, but I’m not able to understand, what is actually wrong with myself. If I’ll ever write a book about my life, don’t buy it. It will suck. Truthfully spoken.

I never say this, but thanks for reading this pathetic post… (I did it again, telling myself, that I’m shit)

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“I don’t believe in luck! I create my own luck!”. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in life.

by niki
written by niki

A friend of mine used to tweet a phrase that always sticks with me: “Some people are lucky, some people are not.” That was some years ago, and the more I live now, the more I see (& realized/learned) that it’s true. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in their lives. Or in life, for all that matters. I don’t know and I’m not sure if it’s due to the meritocracy thing (“If you work hard, you WILL succeed/reach success!”), or if it’s due to the ‘positive/optimistic’ self-help culture/trend/hype that is literally almost everywhere nowadays, etc etc. But I think it’s very naive, simplistic, & ignorant if people seriously believe that they control ALL and EVERY aspect of their life/lives.

Even the posts here in this website that will get popular & many comments, and other posts that get almost no view/comment or even banned/deleted (even though when they’re really good posts, but sadly just very underrated or underappreciated), it also has the ‘luck’ factor in it. And as a result (or even the fatal consequences), no wonder some people in this website will feel even more alone, unloved, nobody cares, and some of them will probably even decide to be ‘gone forever’ by committing suicide.

But back to the main point again: if you really think much more deeper, you will see that it’s all random (yes, somewhat nihilistic). Some people will win, & some people will lose. Some people will survive & live, while some people will die. I always view our human species just like those little ants: There are billions of them on this planet, and some will get crushed & die, while some other will survive & live. That’s basically our human life too. In fact, it’s ALL lives in this universe. Some will live; Some will die.

Lastly, it’s the same thing with all of us here who are depressed & suicidal. You take a look at all your other friends, family, colleagues, or people, and how they somehow are happy, or even successful, and then you think: “Why I can’t be like that too?”, even though you’ve tried or even work really hard. And then even when you eventually see how some of us in this website can finally recover, cured, healed, & finally lead a normal, happy, & successful life too, it will make you think the same again: “Why I can’t be like them?”.

I don’t know if it’s god, karma, universe, destiny, fate, or just simply pure random chances. But to say that you don’t believe in luck, playing at least SOME aspects/parts in your life, that’s just naive, ignorant, & too simple-minded. People who said that probably haven’t truly ‘open their eyes & wake-up’ to reality.

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Family & Friends EffectsStories of Loss

Letter to me 3 years later

by The riddler
written by The riddler

so the post below is from a few years ago, and I’ve decided to respond with it based on how I feel now.

 

 

original post:

 

June 3rd, 2016 was the day I snapped. I drove my car into a light pole at about 100kph. I just couldn’t/can’t handle life anymore. First responders arrived, I admitted to the crash being due to me wanting to die, and not losing control of the car. I was taken to the hospital where I was drugged up and put through extensive testing. I guess it was considered a serious crash even though I had no physical injuries. The next day I was transferred to a mental hospital for a 3 week term where I was supposed to become a mentally healthy individual that can become a functional member of society. I knew and know this was a waste of time since i have no will to live. I was put on an anti depressant and an anti anxiety medication. They did nothing.

 

Things have changed. I have a new found hate for myself. I used to hate not meeting up to other people’s expectations. Now, I can’t even lay down without thinking about killing myself and all the reasons why I should. I am not told by anyone that I should end my life or harm myself in any way. Like alot of people on this site, it’s all in my head. I hate my existence. I benefit nobody. I am easily replaced. There’s nothing for me here, I’m just a waste of space. I still feel the urge to kill myself to the same extent as last June,  I just haven’t found the right time to follow through and do something. I’m already dead inside, and it’s just a matter of time until I become a distant memory.

 

My response 3 years later to myself

 

Dear me;

you’re going to suffer memory loss likely for the rest of your life. You will have to claim bankruptcy and after everything is finalized and you’re free again you will decide to follow a debt free lifestyle.

 

 

You have found joy in working a job you enjoy with great people, even though you hate the brand you represent. You are going to find a new joy for cycling. it will start with weight loss, and move into something not only healthy for the body, but a sport that can be very social, and you’re going to learn the ways to love yourself.  Your will to live will gradually increase and soon ending it all will be a topic only to describe emotions of the past. All the medications DONT have to work, you will be surrounded by people that will push you like never before and that will create an ability to overcome hardship and handle stress.

The “new hate” is a temporary feeling. I wish I could have realized how much I was going to accomplish in the near future. I still remember the raw feelings of being dead inside, and its horrible but it will go away. Out of all the bolded words above, only one was true at the time. I was easily replaced, especially in the workplace. but with consistency and genuine effort, people are making me feel valued and appreciated.

 

 

I hope I do this again in a few years.

 

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

air

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

i can’t feel anything lately. right now i should be sad, a family member passed away yesterday. but i truly just don’t feel anything. it’s like i’m walking on air

that’s not new though, i’ve been struggling for a few weeks. recently, certain memories regarding childhood trauma have resurfaced, and i don’t know why. again, i’ve been struggling a lot.

i don’t know what i want to say, actually. you know how people sometimes change their personalities slightly depending on who they’re with? lately i had to create a new persona, let’s say. my mom said a few things on different occasions, so i decided to pretend to be the child that she expects me to be; well behaved, never angry, always caring and always responsible. it’s been a few weeks since i’ve had this ‘new personality’ and i’m Exhausted. it’s so annoying but it kind of feels like it’s my job to keep it up.

i’m pretty busy now though. i have to get good grades in all my classes while also managing household chores. at least i have things to do, though my motivation has plummeted a lot, but i manage.

tomorrow is my birthday and, even though i’ve never been a fan of it, i can’t wait for it to be over already. usually people feel obligated to be nice to you on your birthday and kind of when it’s almost the day, they’re all excited and ask you all about it, or at least that’s what i’ve seen my friends do. but i don’t know, even though i don’t want to talk about it, no one’s said anything. actually, my brother had to remind my mom several times because she forgot as she planned random things on that day or whatever. it’s kind of stupid, but i just feel a bit like i’m disappearing little by little. so slowly that not even i can tell that it’s happening.

it’s been a long time since i last actually talked about what’s been on my mind. mostly because no one bothers to ask, but i also just feel like they’d be freaked out. they’re not very nice thoughts after all. i’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately, actually. night after night, even multiple ones per night. that’s also exhausting. my head feels so heavy, i can’t even listen to music with lyrics lately lol.

ah, since i need to document this somewhere, i’ll write it here. a few days ago i actually got to “remember” the year in which something happened. for a while it’s been bothering me that i couldn’t remember at all the dates of certain things from my past. though, now that i know a date, i feel a bit relieved and also a bit frustrated. does my mom remember what happened? does she think i forgot about it? i don’t know, i feel like these are nonsensical thoughts.

my head feels heavy, it’s kind of hard to breathe lately. i feel like i’m thinking too much but i know that i’m actually not thinking at all. my mind is white, and it goes on and on. that doesn’t mean it’s empty though. i’m just waiting for brighter days

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralPoetry & Art

I want to …, okay? Okay.

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

I want to die, the second that I wake up and realize where and who I am. I want to die, checking my zero messages on my phone from my friends. I want to die, listening to a gloomy song on loop, while brushing my teeth. I want to die, when I eat breakfast at 8 pm, even when I have cake in front of me. I want to die, trying to distract myself from this urgent feeling, by watching YouTube.

I want to die, when I crave for coffee and feel short happiness imagining the taste in my mouth. I want to die, standing on the balcony on a cool night, wearing not thick enough clothes. I want to die, finally talking to friends and them being disappointing as fuck, because somewhere in between I’ve imagined, how they are supposed to treat me. I want to die, when I turn off my phone and forget about everyone while I dissociate from my own self.

I want to die, because I think I’m pathetic for being this way and not being able to think ‘happy’. I want to die, while I repeat words like: pathetic, loser, emotional wreck in my mind. I want to die, whenever I made a plan to do something that’s fun and then doing it for five minutes and being upset, that it wasn’t fun as it used to be. I want to die, when I look at the clock to see, how I just wasted another day doing nothing and feeling miserable.

I want to die, when I get tired and am not ready to accept that this day is over yet. I want to die, so I can immediately fall asleep and not be up thinking of silly things that went wrong all my life. There may be seconds I don’t want to die. But that’s not enough to lead a healthy life. Does anybody die daily just like I do.? I’m so done… And I tell everyone that and no one understands, how serious I am.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Depressed little Firework

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

It’s almost 4 am and I woke up twice from the darn fireworks outside, because there’s been a demonstration going on for a few days. This is such a bad idea, to post here, when I’m sleep deprived. But none of my friends are available to talk to, so you guys are all I got right now.

I’ve been having such a hard time, fighting off negativity. I feel like all my energy goes to telling my thoughts to shut the hell up, so in the end there’s nothing left for myself… I honestly don’t think that this is normal. Even when I try my best to blend out & blend in, it won’t let me.! I’m tired of being a pathetic human being, too caring for others, that they forget to care for me.

Oh – one friend just send me a voice message, no thanks… Do they really think I want to hear that at this time, at this moment.? I told them that and now they’ve vanished. Great. Maybe I’m strange, but I dislike voice messages.. Anyone else.? I’ve never send one in my life, I hate the way I sound and it honestly takes up more time for me, than type it out. It takes long, to form the words when I try to say something, writing is just the best and I’m glad I have this option.

I’ve got so much done lately and even just yesterday enjoyed playing the Sims again. I haven’t enjoyed anything really since March this year… And now at 4 am, I just don’t know, where I stand and where I’m supposed to go, after standing still on one spot for so long.

My best friend from America has been working a lot and couldn’t even write me at least one short sentence every now and then. I’ve been trying to be understanding, but they kept on promising me they try harder – over and over again. I’ve stopped sending them messages and as I suspected, there was no word for a while. And when they finally wrote me, I’ve been extremely distant to them. I was honestly disgusted at myself, for acting that way. And it’s more sad, to know, that there’s people that are actually that way on a daily basis.

I just didn’t want to wait anymore, because all I do all my fucking time is wait. I’ve slowly began to talk normally and the second I did, they forgot about me again… They’re being the idiot, yet I’m the one feeling stupid. And now they have vacation and I think, they can have that without me. I’m just so fucking tired… Thank you fireworks, that are supposed to bring joy, to making me overthink these things, when I should be sleeping.

I’ve always hated fireworks.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide NoteRants

Greedy

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

To: Sister with a flower in the head

You are really greedy huh? You have been living well, have many friends, have lovely boyfriend, have your youth life without studying, hang out friends, eating good food, top three doctor college, but still you said you are jealous of me…
You said its not enough and you still need 1% of my happiness. How can you be so cruel as a sister huh? You want to play music like me, you want to be loved by parents like me, like me, like me, like im living with the best live more than yours.
Everyone can see even you can see even you said it yourself. Yes you are better than me. I said it here and there.

Like me you said? Feeling miserable 23 hours a day. Cant find what I want to do. I cant even recognize myself or my hobby anymore. My hobby faded so my happiness. My self love deteroriated. You can see a deep black under my eyes because i cant sleep at all. If you ask me why i cant sleep, its the headache or my ear keep ringing or my eyes like pressed by someone or i cant breathe sometimes or i got sleep paralyze. Sometimes when i finally got to sleep i wake up with miserable feeling. A dream of old memories like a torture. I hate this. I hate that. Ive been living with this for years. Even right now my head hurts like hell writing this. Its like my head going to explode.

If i can trade my life with you i would. I would. Oh i would. I dont need this music talent at all that i hate right now. I dont need my good voice at all that i cant even try to sing anymore. I dont need my dying parents love at all. Dont you see they love you more than me right now. You are succesfull and not like me a trash. I dont need my kind heart that always help people in need and now no one help me. You know it feels so lonely at night at morning at evening at afternoon. Locking myself in my room feel safer because i wont get hurt someone wont get hurt.

You know if reborn did exist i dont want to be reborn. At all. I want to be a void. Leaving this toxic world that even your family cant help. I have no regret leaving this world. Dont worry. Actually I will feel so muchh better. Like a bigggggg biiiiggg stone lifted up from me. Karma does exist and i hope you dont get one.

I still remember that you said depression too when your wedding plan got cancelled because of covid. Yes you sure about it because you are a doctor. If you really have one then why you did all this to me when you see i try to die 2 times and countless of time cutting and choking myself and hitting my head with things. I wonder why you said that to me. To die drinking rat poison. To die as fast as i can. I wonder why you said that. I really wonder why. But you know if maybe you really have one, i hope yours wont get worsen like me. Dont be like me. Its not good or happy at all or once. Its painful really painful.

I dont know what to said anymore. But if you find this web and my diary. Hi its your lil sis. Ive been searching for help for years. Ive been searching for love and hug for years. Do you remember that last time we hug? I dont think so. Be happy sis live well and wlak the flower path. Hey dont cry its okay its all in the past.

Once i said this the past is not a past. The past is what makes me right now. So the past is now. So i dont know. But yeah i know you will move on. Nice to meet you again here.

From : Lil sis with a mushroom in the head

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I’M THE ONE YOU’VE COME TO TALK TO. LEAVE A COMMENT

by OddOneOut
written by OddOneOut

What’s on your mind, bud? Talk to me.
I know you came on this website to see what people have to say, to see if you can leave any comments. And I also know that you want to leave comments on people to help them with the shit they’re going through.

SCREW THAT. THAT’S NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE. YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU NEED HELP, YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO’LL LISTEN.

I WILL LISTEN.

Leave a comment, let’s talk. I’ll listen. No judgement, no problem-solving (unless you want it). I’ll try my best to understand, I’ll try my best to here you until you’re through, and most importantly I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU. Talk to me, leave a comment.

To the admins: I’ve been here since 2012, if memory serves me. I’ve been to some of the deepest, shittiest parts of life and came back fighting with lots of psychedelics, booze, victories and losses. I’ve had an amazing amount of love thrown at me and have recently come back to this site with the intention of helping.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

We die, so liars don’t have to

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

Burden. Inconvenience. Deadweight. Those are the words I’d describe myself as lately. I’ve taken a month break from any contacts to my friends. And guess what.? No one fucking missed me…

I’ve received a ‘hey’ from two people and that was it, they didn’t try again. They simply didn’t notice. They simply didn’t care. It was hard for me, I’m a very affectionate person. I didn’t want to let myself get dragged down by that though. So what, if I’m the person that keeps the contact going right.? Wrong. Super duper wrong.

Just everyone that comes along bails on me, I don’t understand why… I have so much to give, I can always hold a conversation and I’m not someone to let you down. It’s like, the more I give, the more it backfires. Us humans want to save time on many things daily and we invented things to make that possible. But never would I have realized, that they want to save time regarding social interaction.

The top words in today’s conversations are: ‘Uff, Ok, Hey, How R U, Yeh, Cool, Nice, Sup, lol, lmao, g2g’ Wow, I’m just thrilled over these.! Been looking forward to talking to people all day and getting one of these words back. Thanks for carefully picking these out for me, I feel super special. While you’re at it, throw in an ‘Emoji’ too.! Just love them.!!!!!!

Maybe I should give up on keeping friends already. They’re never there and if they are, they bore me to pieces. Is it possible I’m just overlooking the kind people, that are willing to have a nice conversation.? Where are the soulful writers, the clingy folks and those, that aren’t able to work/go to school due to whatever reason.?

I’ve opened up to a person today and she was heartfelt and told me how great I was. And then suddenly she made up some half-assed lie to disappear immediately. And I kept seeing her coming back online. That stings, am I really that bad.? I really felt like she was being genuine and promised that we would be there for each other. I’d have many stories to tell, of the times I’ve encountered assholes. But that would be as thick as a novel.

I keep blaming myself, that maybe I’m just not good enough and should just disappear from everyone’s sight. I already think I’m annoying and pathetic but others are really opening my eyes lately. So maybe I should thank them for making me see the truth. That I should just die. If they can go without me for a month, they won’t care that I’m gone.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

Death gotta be easy, cause life is hard, it’ll leave you physically, emotionally and mentally scarred.

by ineedhelp19
written by ineedhelp19

struggling to keep up in life cause of the vices i caught on during the last few years is making me go insane. my minds a mess, I can’t seem to find peace in anything and sometimes i sob up but don’t have a shoulder to cry on or people to fully express how i feel. I know life is hard but getting through it is even harder, at least for me how am i not supposed to be bothered when there’s literally no tunnel vision. Sometimes i have suicidal thoughts and sometimes i feel like its just a phase I’m going through. I often abused anti depressants and drugs to avoid this but i guess its time i got some help.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends Effects

Someone text me or I’ll…

by osamabinchubs
written by osamabinchubs

…Jump. Been in the longest relationship with her my whole life. Even though I’m pretty young, it feels like it’s been forever with her. Funny I never liked people. I counted it off as being anti social or just not being able to put up with people’s shit. It felt cool. I always ditched public outings with”friends” just to hang out with her. Even in the emptiness I find peace.

They always ask me, “why don’t you come around”. I say “I’m busy; I’m busy with her”

‘Who is she?” Man I couldn’t tell them. Well to be fair I didn’t know who “she” was. Did she have a name? Did she like Chinese? How could I Tell them that she’s inexistent?. “She” is lonliness I said to myself. The lonliness that comforts me. The quantum leap into series of depression and crippling anxiety. “Am I worth it?” “Will I ever be good enough?” .  Thoughts like these she put in my head. Making me wanna jump. Pick up the knife she said. So seductively you’d think she studied it. “Hey there’s oncoming traffic, you know what to do”

Will I succumb? Maybe maybe not. Well find out soon enough.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneral

Two Little Lights

by LiquidHuman
written by LiquidHuman

I’ve always cared about my younger brothers. Even when I was a kid. I may be a girl, but I still feel a deep desire to protect them.

My middle brother used to get bullied in elementary school. Even back then, as a preteen, I wanted to kill someone. He was the quiet, nerdy type. He’s intelligent, extremely intelligent. Always looking at the technical side of things. The type to tell you about how a patch in Smash gave Samus’s up-b two less frames or something like that. Makes sense why he’d gravitate towards computers and coding. He doesn’t have any friends. That scares me. He doesn’t know how to open up, keeps himself on constant guard. Head down, eyes to the ground. I think people scare him. I wish he’d be more confident.

My youngest brother never got hurt like that. (Not as far as I know. He’s always been pretty secretive.) He was lively, outgoing, so people gravitated towards him. And yet sometimes, I think he felt lonely. Being a class clown might be fun once in a while, but not when you wanna make meaningful connections. Sometimes I get worried about whether they’re laughing with him or at him. It seems like he always wants to keep people laughing and happy, so when he’s feeling down he closes himself off. Locks himself away. I wish he’d be more honest with himself.

I love them so much. They’re the only two people I’d be worried about after I end it all. I was never a good big sister. I pretended to be, but I think I was more annoying than anything else. Nosy, nagging, frustrating. I piss off my middle brother the most. Always have. Even when he was a baby. He hated hugs as a baby. He’d hit me when I tried to. It was smothering to him. Even now he avoids hugs at family gatherings. My youngest brother doesn’t get angry, just pushes me away. Acts civil but distant. Somehow, that feels worse.

It hurts like hell when it happens, but maybe I deserve it. They deserve better than me. They’ll probably never say so though. Did they just get used to me? Is this shitty person what they’ve come to expect from me? I tried to play the big sister roll, but came up short. I’m not someone they should look up to.

I’ll miss them when it happens. And I’ll know they’ll miss me. It’s going to hurt them, but I have to. Give them a few more years and they’ll learn to hate me. Everyone. It’s selfish, but I’d rather not watch everyone in my life grow to despise me. I’d rather I die giving off the illusion that I was a good person. I’d rather die knowing they loved me. I know that’s selfish, but the fear of abandonment has always been a crippling phobia for me. I’m sorry they have to lose me, even though they will ultimately be better off. Not emotionally, but still better off.

I suppose this thought process doesn’t make sense to you. That’s okay. I wouldn’t be able to explain my reasoning even if I tried. There’s something wrong with my head. It’s something evil, I’m certain. People don’t think evil exists, but I see it every day. It’s a thing that only craves destruction and pain for the sake of enjoyment. Sometimes it will find more “sympathetic” reasons to do harm, but the intentions are always the same. A selfish person hiding behind selfless acts.

My poor little brothers.

It hurts to write this.

Why did I have to be born?

Why did it have to be me who was their big sister?

Why didn’t my mother abort me?

She should have just listened to the doctor.

Now look what happened!

Me.

I happened.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

A break from ‘friends’

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

Wow, just wow. I’ve been doing better without any friends but it was really hard in the beginning. So after a week I check my messages: 0 Just why do I care so much…? When you’re someone, that has so much affection to give, what the hell do you do.? Seems like, everyone who’s not depressed, is just not much of a friend these days. Oh, to be 16 again and have a bunch of depressed friends and they have so much free time, you could actually form a ball of clay and stick together for forever. Loneliness is no joke…

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There’s no turning back is there?

by Empty Husk
written by Empty Husk

No matter how much I try to put myself out there, it seems people can sense you’re desperate for companionship and attention. I’ve tried calling acquaintances and whatever people I have left in my life and they really have no time for you anymore. Can’t say I blame them, they have lives and priorities of their own. Family comes first.

You also can’t make meaningful friendships past 30 now, can you? The people I know already have lives of their own and would put their families as their priority. They have no time for you, have to put in a schedule if they want to hang out with you and have no more time for small talks and chatter. Guess that comes with the age.

I really have no one to turn to. Why is it so hard to get out once you’re in this hole?

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

18 hours of sleep

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

Have you ever kept the seriousness of your mental state to yourself.? Just to finally open up to a person and they’re not being understanding whatsoever.? Yeah, well. That happened to me tonight.

It’s night and I’m miserable. I’ve told my friend, that they have not been there at all, when I needed them to be. And I understand, that they are busy and I’ve been ever so patient. But it only goes so far, you know.? I’ve been feeling extremely lonely lately. I’ve just slept 18 hours straight. I’ve reached out to many people, just to get nothing back in return. Isn’t that already a sign, that I should just STOP.?

My friend hit me with reality, when I was contemplating to end my life… This doesn’t help. This helps no one. It made me feel even worse and I wished, I had just shut up and not said anything. I feel like my emotions have just shut down for today. I don’t understand, what is happening around me, I can only hear a wave inside of me. I’m not really here. And I’m not really anywhere else. I just want it to be done already…

I was so desperate, as to reach out for the first time to a suicide prevention hotline. But I didn’t want to talk on the phone, I wanted to chat with someone. And guess what.? They have appointments for that… Just. What the f@ck.?! You can’t even rely on those people then, good to know.

I’ve layed down on my cold floor, trying to somehow calm down. And two minutes later, a fly kept buzzing next to my ear. I kept trying to make it go away, but it wouldn’t. It’s almost comical.? So I couldn’t even do that. Maybe the fly wanted me to get up and do something else instead. I was just sitting numb in a corner before.

Now I’m watching ‘Life is Strange’. I hope I can just zone out for a few hours. I don’t know what to do anymore… This world makes everyone become so busy, that we forget about each other.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide NoteRants

There’s no getting out, is there?

by Empty Husk
written by Empty Husk

I last visited this site on 2019. My life was a mess because one “friend” in my group is a psychopath and basically manipulated everyone to go against me, harass me online non-stop, isolate me and drive me to suicide by grinding down my reputation and character and saying all sorts of false accusations against me. Basically I was jobless, an outcast, a social recluse, pretty much had my life and reputation destroyed and all I did was mope in bed feeling powerless on not being able to do anything or pursue my dreams anymore. I went to the monastery to escape all this and wanted to isolate myself as some recluse monk free from the real world. I even wanted to leave my girlfriend because it got too much for me handle. Well, all according to plan or so I thought but the person in charge didn’t even let me try monk life and I was out by the 3rd day because they don’t accept “depressed” people. I thought that was the end of it and my life was over but my brother then got me to church and had me in a group. Unbelievably things were turning around as I made a new circle of friends, tried my darndest to forget the past and live life anew. I even got my online job back and was making decent money again to live out my dreams of finally being with my girlfriend as I wanted to marry her and start a new family to forget everything. We even had plans to marry May on 2021. I was hanging by a thread and the only thing holding me together was my gf and soon to be fiance as she was the only one left from my previous life.

Well all according to plan and going good right? Nope! Why that would be way too easy? There’s no way you’re gonna escape this! Why should God or some cosmic force decide I not suffer anymore and screw further with my life? As soon as things are turning okay my mother dies months later as I get my job back. It was devastating to me. I saw how she suffered in the hospital when doctors couldn’t figure out what her disease was so had loads of needles and machines attached to her. Things got so bad that she acquired a hospital pneumonia and had to have tubes inserted down her throat. I saw first hand how she was writhing in pain due to all the needles and machines inserted in her body.

Then 6 months later, I find out my gf’s been cheating with one of her old classmates as they formed a Chat Group on Facebook Messenger with their elementary batchmates. What set red flags for me was her attitude changing and being bitchy/naggy all the time, trying to start arguments over nothing and making issues out of thin air to shit test me. My autistic analytical mind definitely thought something was up and found out she has been cheating by sending lovey dovey messages with one of her classmates. She forgot I had access to her account as we gave each other’s passwords as a sign of each other’s trust and “openness”. Mind you, this former classmate of hers already has a child and impregnated many women out of wedlock already. In short this guy is a fuckboy. Learning the lessons from the past, I didn’t take too kindly on this so I saved as many screenshots as I can and printed 20 copies each and passed them on to her family and friends to make sure I’m not getting screwed again like what my friends did to me. Needless to say she got found out and is too ashamed to talk to me and now avoids me like the plague while blocking the fuckboy in an attempt to “remedy” the situation (she got a mouthful from her parents. They didn’t like the fact that she was cheating with a fuckboy).

Just as life was turning for the better I’m getting screwed again. Those feelings of loneliness, bitterness, sense of being isolated, being alone with no one to love and wanting to just die just to get it over with is creeping back in my mind. In short my friends had a falling out and left me, I am feeling suffocated and isolated, my mother dies in a horrible and excruciating way and found out the fiance which I’m supposed to marry cheated on me through social media messaging apps. What’s the point of going on? My girlfriend was the last thing holding me together but even that has been taken away. It’s as if God or some cosmic force has decided to just shit on me and make me as some personal amusement that my life should suck and that I should suffer no matter what I do. I don’t even want to live anymore. What’s the point of going on? There’s really just no escape once you get in, is there?

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Ramblings of a madman

by Shadymoon
written by Shadymoon

At this point, the glass isn’t half empty or half full, the glass is shattered and the pieces are embedded deep in my flesh. I have final “insurance” if you will, I’m just waiting for the right time to use it. I’ve practiced over and over. It’s not a matter of if I choose to make my exit, but when. And oddly enough, having a surefire “insurance” policy helps me through the bad moments, the mere knowledge that I can reliably end it when I choose to do so, when the time comes, is almost enough to bring me peace. I’m playing a sick game of seeing just how bad my life can get before I decide to finally pull the plug. How much torture can I endure? How far can everything crash and burn before I abandon ship? What sick and twisted surprise will Life throw at me next? What will be the last straw before Death takes me into her arms? I’ve come very close from natural causes several times the past year and a half, but through sheer bad luck have survived. I wish I hadn’t been taken to the hospital in my dying moments. Ever since the last incident especially, coming so close to death I could practically taste it, it all feels fake. I already peacefully accepted my demise, and for it to be turned around and taken away from me.. Felt wrong. By all means I SHOULD be dead. The past year has felt so fake. Like time I shouldn’t have. I wonder if I could have refused treatment. Why did people have to meddle with my last chance to die naturally? I feel like that was ripped away from me. The chance to die with some dignity and not by my own hand. Had I been untreated for one more day, I wouldn’t be rambling on like this, I wouldn’t be lamenting the missed opportunity to spare my loved ones the pain of my suicide. It would have been so much easier on them. I wish I could tell them how I feel, but I can’t. They wouldn’t understand and would hurt too much. I can’t tell anyone. So here I write the pathetic ramblings of a madman.

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Family & Friends Effects

Yikes i guess

by DufoCloe
written by DufoCloe

So quick Story, pretty much my whole Friend Group is online, aka we use Discord and other Social Media to communicate. Due to some personal reasons i wasn’t able to be online that much recently, and when i was able again, i realised how little it mattered if i was there or not. I was mostly ignored (and still am) and it doesn’t really matter anymore if i join or leave calls. Damn this feeling hurts. To some of those people i poured my soul out, and spent hours trying to help them. Is this all gone now, only because i wasn’t online? The worst part i think though is, that they kind of found a replacement for me. A person thats pretty similiar to me, but just… better? Just fucking hurts when you sit there in the call, and realise the people that mean most to you, don’t even realise when u go or how your voice breaks while talking (if you talk even, because mostly you just get interrupted).

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRantsStories of Loss

The Funeral

by ghostingthem
written by ghostingthem

It was back in January. Our friends and I were sat all of five feet away from her casket during the service. She wasn’t religious, but they held a service anyway.

I felt like I couldn’t be seen crying. My friends were distraught, feeling sick and bawling like newborns. I was like a rock. I don’t think I cried at all. How sick does that make me? The monster who didn’t cry at their friend’s funeral. What’s worse is I’m now realising I never got to break down like them. I didn’t cry for hours or get comforted by doting parents. I was left alone, by my friends and my parents. Only the day after the service did i indulge myself, and I laid in bed well into the afternoon.

What sickens me is how my school dealt with us. A student had just died, of cancer no less, and all they did was shove her close friends into an unused room, leaving us to our own devices and having a teacher check on us every hour or so. We were given less than a week to grieve as one would expect, and yet on Monday, when the first bell chimed the vice principal tried to usher us to class.

The year head approached me a few days after that. She wanted to assure me that the school wasn’t ignoring us, but that ‘protocol’ dictated that the teachers had to get the school back to working order as wuickly as possible. I don’t want to believe that that’s what the protocol actually is, but it was completely unfair. They had little to nothing to offer us in terms of grieving resources or councelling sessions. It doesn’t help that the one guidance councellor in the entire school is completely shit at her job.

What pisses me off the most is how quickly things went back to ‘normal’. It was fake. A blur of the emotional storm that had actually been brewing for months afterwards. Some school, huh.

I didn’t go to her grave, in the end. I don’t think i would’ve been able. Able to bear the sight of her mother and father mourning the loss of their only child. Her broken family and friends.

I didn’t want to have to speak to them. I didn’t want people to ask me about her. My exclusive memories that shone a light on how much better she was then me.

To this day, every time I get a pain in my leg, I wonder, ‘why couldn’t it have been me?’. I’m nobody’s first choice. My own friends habe described me as ’emotionless’ and ‘wasted potential’. How am I not supposed to take that personally?

I know I’m loved. I know i have people who would miss me and mourn my death, but hell if she didn’t deserve to live more than me. She knew what she wanted to do, she never had a bad thing to say about anyone or anything. She was athletic and spontaneous and caring. And I’m a lazy ***** who ignores my friends when they text me.

I haven’t told any of them how badly I want to be dead. I don’t think I ever will. They don’t deserve to go through my petty bullshit. But more often than not these days, I wish I could just die. I’ve considered slitting my throat at least six times while making sandwiches. I’ve considered going to every shop in town to buy painkillers so I could hopefully overdose and die. I’ve considered slicing my thighs and forearms until I bleed out. I just want so badly to end my life.

I’ve never been interested in cutting. I’ve tried it, but it didn’t make be feel better, so I stopped. Instead, I scratch. I itch my skin until it bleeds, and when it scabs over, I pick it until it bleeds again. I drag thumb tacks over my skin until the point draws blood. I poke bruises and cuts. I always feel like I’m in pain, but i just do it less obviously so I don’t have to hide scars or bandages.

I wanted to die long before she died, long before she was even diagnosed, but her dying just made me realise that it’s a possibility. She’s dead, and I could be too. I don’t fear death. I don’t fear what comes after it. I don’t believe in heaven or hell, or an afterlife of any kind. I know what I’d be getting myself into, but I don’t want to do it during the pandemic.

I can’t quite figure out why.

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