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The effects of suicide on family and friends.

Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Frustrated

by Jaeline
written by Jaeline

I constantly feel sad but with antidepressants somehow I manage to seem happy, but I feel sensible, I feel attacked and my parents sometimes tell me things that make me cry, and their solution to that is giving me pills and if I don’t calm down they say that I’m like that because I don’t control myself and that I’m just throwing tantrums, and then they just ignore me.

Sometimes I cut myself or hurt me, I really try to hide my lesions but sometimes they see them, and they get angry at me and say that I’m selfish that I hurt myself and that I have no consideration of them.

At the “beginning” of my depression they always told me that if I need to let things out, I could count on them, and they were with me when I cried but after sometime they just give me pills, and if I tell them what I’m feeling, or cry because I’m in disagree (I accept that I cry when they tell me something I don’t like, but is because I feel sad and I just can’t contain my tears) and say that I just cry because I’m manipulating them, and get angry.

I thought I could trust in them but now the pain is more unbearable since I don’t trust them anymore. Before I had the feeling of having them by my side, but now I feel really lonely.

What should I do? I’d appreciate any help.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide Note

(C)Rude

by Been Here Too Long
written by Been Here Too Long

I’ve managed to screw up everything good I had going and turn it all into a bunch of fucked up shit, like always.  I’m shit at my job, and I accidentally fucked some shit up because I’m too fucking stupid and cowardly to ask for help.  I’m too much of a coward to speak to my college advisor and schedule my classes for next semester.  I’m going to fuck up my French final because I am too fucking stupid to understand which verb tense to use and I’m apparently fucking too incompetent to even understand the review.  I’m too much for a close friend of mine to deal with, and I’m already so much of a burden to him.  My parents don’t want me, but all the same, they want to come see me for a little while during the break.  I moved 13 hours away so I could avoid them; they abused me for years, and now that I’m out of the house, they want to pretend like they care about me, and I want to crawl right back to them like the spineless attention-goblin that I am.  My roommate hates me and would be significantly better off without me.

I think I’m intrinsically inferior to everyone.  I’ve thought that even since before my parents started severely abusing me, so it’s not some dumb trauma thought that I should be able to dismiss.  I’ve known since the beginning that I’m subhuman.  I’ve never been the protagonist of my own life; at best, my most important role was as the antagonist.  I’m so overwhelmingly and inherently selfish, and I hate that, so I fight as hard as I can against my nature.  That’s all I’ve ever been able to do, fight against what is natural.  I’ve fought for so long that I don’t even know what natural looks like anymore.  It’s not even much of a decision for me to make anymore; everything has led me to this. There is no other way my life could’ve gone; this is necessary.

And that’s why I’ll be gone soon.  I’ll finish finals, since I don’t want to stress anyone else out before or during finals week with my suicidal bullshit.  Right after finals week, though, I’m going to find a day I don’t work and overdose and bleed out in the bathroom of the nearby gas station. My crude life is only deserving of a crude death.  I’ll do my best to bleed out over the toilet so as not to make a mess for the worker.  I know my suicide is selfish, but I was always selfish.  All I can do is end that selfishness and try to be as kind to everyone as I can about it.

I’ve bought Christmas presents for my siblings and friend; they deserve nothing but the best, but I was never able to give them anything of quality.  Hopefully they’ll be alright, but I’m too selfish to stop because of that. I’m sorry.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Everyone’s stressed

by clinicallydepressed
written by clinicallydepressed

Ok this is my first post on this website, and it’s pretty much going to be a little bit of a rant. Nobody I know understands me, and hopefully someone online will…
Two days ago, I attempted suicide. I won’t go into detail, since I know that’s not allowed on this website. I’m a senior in high school, and two years ago my parents found out I was self-harming. I’ve been safe since then, but this year, my depression returned, worse than ever. I am well aware that I am luckier than most — I live in a two-parent, middle-class household, get straight As, etc — so really, there’s no reason for me to be depressed. Maybe it’s the stress of college applications or the impending thought of graduation, but something about this year triggered my past habits.
On Monday, I started cutting again and attempted to kill myself. Halfway through, I panicked and called the people I considered to be my best friends. They assured me I wasn’t going to die. Yesterday, I went to school and wouldn’t stop crying in any of my classes, and today I couldn’t even muster up the energy to get out of bed.
And this is the crux of my mental dilemma. I’ve seen my so-called friends (the ones who know the dark place I was in on Monday), and not once did they ask if I was ok, how I was feeling, or any such empathetic question. When I brought up my stress and depression, they immediately diverted, saying “Oh, yeah, I’m freaking out about college apps too.” My gut reaction is understanding that yes, they may be worried about looming deadlines, but neither of them attempted suicide two days ago. Is it too much to ask that they check up on me? One of my friends has had trouble getting over her ex, and I listened to her talk about him every day for almost a year. I tried to kill myself two days ago, and maybe I’m being irrational, but in my mind that warrants a little bit of compassion.
As I type this sentence, I find myself wondering if they are the problem, or if I am because I’m the “crazy” one. No matter how good things are, I always seem to find myself back in the space where I feel as if those around me are acting callously. I definitely struggle with depressive and anxiety disorders, which can impact the way I see those around me, so I don’t know if my perception is what’s messed up in this situation. At the same time, my other friends have all sensed that something is wrong and have been checking up on me. If anyone has advice, it would be much appreciated. <3

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Family & Friends EffectsRants

On asking for help

by tentoone
written by tentoone

What kind of person criticizes you for finding it difficult to ask for help, emotes anger and frustration with you for not coming to them, then rejects you when you finally work up the courage to ask?

And, if you have the nerve to remind them they said you should ask, are offended that you would bring up something like that and throw it in their face to make them feel bad.

What kind of person accuses you of expressing genuine pain as a means of hurting them, instead of asking you what’s wrong?

People don’t ask for help for the same reason they don’t seek love and companionship. Rejections hurts so much more than loneliness. Having someone confirm you are, in fact, unworthy of those things.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneral

Is it worth the pain?

by Jaeline
written by Jaeline

I’m not sure how to describe this feelings, but if you’re here, is almost certain that you understand, I’ve been here since two years ago but I never took the courage to write until today that I just felt the necessity, I take antidepressants and people tell me I’m doing better, but I just feel that I have my emotions on stand by, it just doesn’t feel right.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveStories of HopeSuicidal Survivors

A miracle.

by anonyy
written by anonyy

May 15, 12:44AM

it’s a school night, i was supposed to sleep early to work on my important project, but something happened. i took 7 tablets of (?), i don’t know why i took them, shoved them down my throat and casually went to bed, after 10 minutes i felt this terrible pain in my stomach and my eyes were about to burst “it’s nothing” i said, and tried to sleep, but it only got worse so i decided to ask for help. searched the tablets name on google, “the lethal dosage could be as low as 4 tablets for a grown-up” “Do not take more than 3 (?) tablets per day or more than 5 tablets per week” Oh no.. i’m a teenager and i took.. 7, i rushed to my mum’s room trying to act as calm as i can and said “my stomach hurts, please take me to the hospital” weirdly enough she didn’t ask why, how severe is the pain, she took me without questions, you may wonder “why is it weird?” well, my mum will NEVER take me to the ER, she never did even when i was vomiting, she says it’s a waste of time and they’ll probably tell you to rest and that’s it, so for 17 years i never went to the ER with my mum, and that was the first time ever and i didn’t even tell her what i did yet. Okay so the hospital isn’t really far, it’s about 5 or 4 minutes away from where i live but with the pain i was feeling it felt like an hour and i’m not exaggerating, i was trying to hide my pain and act like it’s food poisoning or something but as time passes i was starting to lose it, when we reached the hospital i was in a pool of sweat i remember my face was shiny and my hands were sticky, but i managed to act calm but wait why are the lights off? Oh. this hospital has no emergency services today, we had to go to the other one which is 17 minutes away, i finally lost it, i started screaming in pain and hitting the car’s window with my hand, unable to breath and can’t see well, i was sweating heavily and my heart was beating so fast, it all happened in three minutes. we reached the hospital and once i stepped off the car i vomited everything i ate since 1997, i was about to spit my whole stomach out, they had to take me in with a wheelchair and took my biometrics, the nurse panicked when she saw my heart rate and my blood pressure both of them was extremely high, it was unbelievable, they rushed me to the emergency doctor, now, my mum and i are in the room and the doctor is asking me about what happened, my mum answered with what she knew so he told me it’s probably food poisoning and i’ll be okay but i decided to tell the truth, to save myself. I whispered to him what i did and he gasped “why didn’t you tell your mum?” “i can’t”, my mum angrily asked me about what happened and i didn’t answer, he sat on his chair again and told her to calm down “we will be calling the main hospital to take her by an ambulance, she has overdosed and the dose she took may be lethal due to the rates.” my mum was angry, frustrated she started yelling at me while the doctor tried to calm her down, they took me to the next room and had to put some needles and IV’s in me, my mum took my phone away and we had a fight so now, i’m about to die and my mum is mad at me, what a great thing. She called my sister telling her that she will come home a little late, the ambulance came and i started crying my eyes out while it was taking me to the hospital and i kept asking them if they will be taking me to the psych ward because they did it before and i really don’t trust them, he showed me the location and i finally calmed down. When i arrived there they rushed me in a luxurious room and put more needles and things in me, it seems like they’re using all of their machines to help me now, my mum was sitting next to me in the room and we didn’t say anything for hours while the nurses kept checking my rates and asking me about how i feel, it’s about 3AM now and i can’t sleep at all due to the high dosage i took (it had a lot of caffeine in it to keep me awake for a whole week) my mum didn’t sleep either, now, i don’t know what happened but i remember hearing a lot of voices at the same time and my weird machines going off, i slept, or in other words, i died. I didn’t know what happened next and when did i wake up but when i did i saw the relieve on everybody’s face, specially my mum’s. I hugged her and told her that i’ll never do it again, some emotional things happened and we were good. It’s around 6AM right now and i’m waiting for the psychaitrst to come so she can decide if it safe for me to get out, my mum had to take my siblings to school so she left and came with some clothes to me as i was sweating for god knows how much hours, the psychaitrst came and we talked for a bit and finally, i was able to go. We went to the mall and bought some stuff, i had to deal with a lot of things for a month afterwards, sweating, dizziness and dehydration.

i know what you’re thinking right now “wow, she’s so much stronger than me!”, well maybe not. i know you heard what i’m about to say at least a hundred times before, but hear me out.

i’m still depressed, in fact, i tried to kill myself yesterday, and i still want to do it, but what happened back in May made me feel how important i am to a lot of people and specially my dear mum. Suicide is scary, losing someone or yourself to suicide is scary, let me tell you something and it’s actually a fact based on some studies, most (if not all) of the people who committed suicide regret it at the last moment, when it’s already too late, i didn’t believe that but when i saw what happened, when i was at the hospital getting help for something i didn’t want anyone to save me from, i realised it’s true. When i had to stay two weeks in a psych ward to keep myself safe from me, i realised it’s true. It’s true, please don’t harm yourself, you deserve so much better even if you don’t see it clearly please go ask for help, there are people out there who are willing to help you, you matter, things will be so different without you and we don’t want to lose you. Maybe at some point of your life u tend to feel like suicide is an answer, but it’s never an answer for any question, any problem, anything. i don’t care if you’re weak, or strong, i don’t care about how mentally stable you are but i want you to stay alive, it’s not worth it, i’m not in the best place right now and i’ll probably be gone soon but i do know that suicide will never end the pain, it will be the worst decision to take.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

What You Put Here

by DogCat
written by DogCat

I’m just bored. You know?

I knows it sounds stupid, “I want to kill myself because I am bored.”

I also know it is always more to it than that. I have a 4 year degree in psychology.

I want to get my masters, but I have to pay off the state from my previous failed attempt at a Master’s before they will release my transcript and allow me to try again.  One of thousands of dollars I owe people.

That’s the thing. I fail at everything. Well, not really. I don’t fail…I quit. I am a quitter.

I just can’t do things. I can’t stick with things. Either chronic pain, anxiety, depression, feelings of inadequacy, or I just can’t leave the house.

So, what now? I see no hope for the future. The house is falling apart around our heads. I see no way to ever better myself or my situation. We can’t sell the house unless we move. We can’t move unless we sell the house. No way out. No way forward. Just stuck.

Wake up, clean, work 3 hours, stare out the window, rinse, repeat…over and over. The bills come in, I throw them away, I go to bed.

I am unfulfilled. I feel worthless. I feel like a burden. I am unhappy. I am unsatisfied. I see no way things will ever change.

I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE!!!!

I stay for my husband and my daughter. I know they would be devastated if I killed myself. I love them too much to do that to them. I stay for them.

There is only the Tao. That is the source. Returning to the source is serenity. I want that.

Serenity

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

19:49

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

to say i’m stressed would be an understatement.
these days have been so hectic, i feel like i can’t keep up with everything, but everyone is constantly telling me to keep up, to cheer up, to calm down, to just stop feeling stressed. mental health has been a mess lately, and today is just not working for me. sometimes i wish i caught a cold so i could rest in bed, but then i remember that even if i’m too ill to get out of bed, i’ll still have to do everything.
the problem isn’t having stuff to do, the problem is having to do things for everyone, and having to leave my things at the bottom of my list of things to do. there’s so much on my mind that i want to talk about, but everyone would most likely think i’m being annoying so i’ll keep it to myself.
i cried today while trying to turn on a fan and i haven’t eaten anything since 8am this morning, but nobody here gives a damn about that. i feel so tired, even though i sleep. it feels so crowded in my head, even though it’s just me. i don’t know what to do or how to cope, or anything honestly. who knows if i make it to December, i honestly feel like i’m going to explode soon.
i’ve felt pretty dizzy all day, and i think it’s because of stress, but i’m not sure.
anyways, i’ll shut up now.

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Family & Friends Effects

by DufoCloe
written by DufoCloe

“Why can’t you be normal”?

Me and my mom never were at the best of terms, but when i told her, that i was thinking about suicide a lot recently (mostly because a lot of people in my surrounding are suicidal) and that  if something should happen to them, i couldn’t take it, instead of beeing supportive as you’d expect from your mother i just hear the words “Why can’t you be normal for once, do you always have to cause such drama?” Not the best responds. I mean is it really my fault, for not wearing anything else than black, or not listening to hip hop or rap music? For not wanting to get drunk every day, chain smoking or liking romantic movies like everyone “normal” seems to like? I am sorry i want to die then 🙂

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Family & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingStories of Hope

Light

by LightWillow
written by LightWillow

She hugged me today.

She’s hugged me twice before. On my birthday, and again, on a day when I was miserable.

But today… I wasn’t turning a year older, or falling apart inside.

She just, hugged me. For no reason. Because, she wanted to? Because she thought I would want her to?

I don’t know. But for once, there wasn’t a clear reason..

Maybe now I’ll finally be brave enough to hug her. And not feel restrained by the necessity of needing a reason.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Its so sad how I like you

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

Today you save me again

Why you always come and save me when im at my limit
Why you always give me hope and light
Why I cant let you go

Even tho I always try to forget you
Even tho I try to suppress this feeling
At the end I always end up reaching you

Sometimes you look like you dont care about me
Sometimes you chat and ask about me
You keep gping back and forth

Why we have different principal and life
But why we like each other
Why I just lke you more and more
Why you like me
And we know if we are together
Nothing good will come

Can I just have you for a night
I want to love you with all of me
Feeling you in my arms
Smiling amd holding your hands

Thank you for saving me today
Again
Holding your hand and arm
Walking with you like couple
Can make me happy and feel calm

Before I die
I want you

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralStories of Loss

Am I as messed up as I think I am?

by icaaa123
written by icaaa123

Ok so I’ll try and keep this as un dramatic as possible, as I hate melodrama. I guess I’m a pretty normal girl from a pretty normal English family, but lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to go on and it’s tough. Anyways, when I was 15, I was probs living my best life and starting to blossom out of my awkward pre teen all girls school nerdyness into a pretty social being. That summer my dad started to get pretty ill, he’d had depression all his life. I would be a bit dramatic to my then boyfriend I guess for attention, speculating whether my dad would kill himself. And then in March the next year he actually did, which was such a shock. I guess I didn’t really know how to take it, and just kind of went on with my life. I was pretty attention seeking and angry, but was really numb inside and kind of just acted how I thought I should be. All this suppressed emotion kind of made me undesirable to be around I guess, and I lost a lot of friends around this time. I carried on with school, missing one day and managed to get all A* in my GCSEs. I hated grammar school and was pretty unsatisfied with my remaining friends, so decided to start a new school for college. Anyways, this didn’t work out and I ended up going back, feeling as though the few friends I had weren’t good enough and feeling like a social failure. For the next 2 years I became obsessed with perfection. Now don’t get me wrong, none of these feelings actually meant I was a bad person. A lot of this was internalised, and I was generally a lovely girl to those around me. I lost my best friend at the time, but she was pretty nasty to me and let me down many times. But I was completely obsessed with getting perfect grades, having the perfect body, being super sociable and an all round goddess. I think the high pressure all girls environment fuelled this to an extent, but also I felt like I had something to prove after my dad killed himself. This really showed when I spiralled into a 3 month depression after I dyed my hair black and hated it. I wouldn’t look in the mirror or leave the house. All these feelings had accumulated to a superficial trigger point. Somehow I got better and managed to get A*AA in my alevels and an unconditional offer for my favourite uni. A levels exams were absolute hell though, and I was so anxious during them I could barely function and was convinced I would fail. After my dad died, my grandparents totally filled the role. They kept me, my mum and my brother going. A month before I sat my a levels, my grandad was found having taken an overdose of sleeping pills with a suicide note. I was there when my grandma, who was in the last stages of a rare cancer found out and I was in shock that another of my close family members had died by suicide. Anyways, I helped to nurse my grieving grandma as she died, and 2 weeks after my grandad she was gone too. My family are super positive and I never really felt like I could be upset about this, because I had already ‘grieved’ for my dad so more wouldn’t be necessary. Anyway, I went to work in America all summer and had an ok time, but I never really was able to fully enjoy it because I was so insecure inside. I am super confident, attractive and friendly but for some reason I struggle to connect with others. When I got home I had a week to prepare for uni and did basically nothing but put it off in my head. I had such big expectations on it going amazing that I was scared it wouldn’t live up to what I had built in my head. I basically said I would end my life if it didn’t work out. Anyways, I got to freshers, moved in in a hurry without even saying goodbye to my mum, and went out every single night, getting way too drunk and making a bit of a tit of myself. It got to the sixth day and I was just so totally overwhelmed and desperate that I put a belt around my neck in my room, pulled hard and passed out, after calling the Samaritans about 3 times. My mum came to pick me up and we drove 4 hours home the next day. I was so ill and ashamed that I couldn’t get out of bed and slept for the next 3 days. I am now about 3 weeks past that point and feel in constant despair every day. I had put so much on uni working out that I had no plan B. I am forced to take a gap year because I am too anxious and depressed to return but I live in a small town and all of my friends are at uni. If I had planned this in advance I would have gone travelling but I have no motivation to organise anything. I feel like a failure and want to end my life every day. I am hurting so bad and I don’t know what to do.

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Family & Friends EffectsSuicidal Survivors

Funny

by genesis0987
written by genesis0987

I try to take others from the edge but

I’ve learned a lot about myself during the 6 years I’ve been away from this site and I’ve learned things that sometimes make me want to stop moving forward and instead give in to what once was a gentle craving to what is now a frequent temptation.
The more life I live the more death pulls me back.

I wanna cry for the life a version of me could’ve had but I won’t ,. I’ll cry for my parents as I should’ve done this sooner and let them live more life to themselves.

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Coping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

Can’t Talk About Suicidal Thoughts

by DogCat
written by DogCat

I constantly think about dying – fantasizing. I am 42, and it has been this way as long as I can remember.

I have a daughter and a loving husband. I would never try to kill myself again – not right now. I have said I will revisit the issue when I am 50.

I stay for them, not for myself. My daughter’s dad is selfish and hardly talks to her anymore. He has his own drama filled life. She is only 17.

My husband is kind and understanding. He had a hard time with long-term relationships until we met – nice guy syndrome, I guess.

I can’t leave them, and I won’t. That is why I told myself we will see at 50. We will see how things are then.

I was in counseling for a while and saw a psych. This is something you can’t talk about with them. The constant feeling of wishing it could just be over. If you do, you risk getting put in a psych ward for a week. I can’t afford that and neither can my family.

I was on The Suicide Project boards a few years ago when I thought I couldn’t hold on any longer. I figured I would come back. At least here, I can express my feelings without worrying about being sent to a hospital.

Sorry, I didn’t remember my log in from then.

 

 

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

i want her to live

by lostcase
written by lostcase

i don’t know what to do anymore, so, i met this friend of mine last semester of my senior year. somehow we became close very close, however, she had to go forever to another country. we stayed in touch and we kept on talking every single day. she is now my best best friend, the best one i have ever had. At even sometimes thought i liked her even more but it’s not m topic. we both had our shit and every time we are there for each other she’d comfort me and calm me and id do the same for her. it’s been two years since we graduated and she still didn’t go to uni because of exam thingys, she doesn’t have friends in that country, and she lives with her parents. she keeps getting sad, every time she’s in a dark episode it gets so hard for her. i’m insanely panicky all the time, i want her to live i want her to stay, i wanna save money i wanna see her, she’s amazing ad she needs to live. but i feel so selfish saying that, feeling that. i can’t just let her go i can’t no way. she must fight i know for a fact that of things change she’ll feel better. she needs friends and something to occupy her, i find her very strong to fight all this loneliness tbh. i don’t know what to do, she wont get therapy she cant tell her parents, and im always scared ill lose her, i feel sad that she is sad. i can’t convince her that it’ll get better when she can’t see a future for herself. what do u think i should do? i wish i could go see her sooooo much but im broke and even if i wasnt i need a visa. i wish i could hug her.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

DESPICABLE ME

by bipolar adam
written by bipolar adam

My despicable me hate any kind of effort specially that related to money and i laught at those who get up every morning to do some repetitive boring task and waiting for month to pass to get a few coins or bills however i would gladly accept free and easy money like passive income or lottery if it works for me

My despicable me love no one even my family and i feel nothing when one of my family is suffering or died and sometimes i enjoyed other’s suffering hence i have no friend whatsoever even if someone try to get close to me i reject him instantly and i dont believe in love or any good relationship like friendship but i believe in lust benefits and business and i think that each human live for himself while trying to use the others to the maximum for himself only however i do feel bad sometimes about violance and suffering of others and i would like to help

My despicable me unstable and want to do something tragic shocking or against all rules and protocoles just for the hell of it and i think that human lives is worthless and most of them will burn in hell

My despicable me think that psychiatrists are loser and they lie at people for money while they themselves suffer and i think that we pretend that we are strong smart and rich while we all slave to money we all make mistakes and we all get deseas and die evantually

My despicable me feel like an avenger feel that the world is the enemy feel that human are evil by nature and deserve pain & suffering however my despicable me needs some love some care and to be sufficent but i dont care at all if anything change or nothing at all

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Coping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

Love

by beautifulsinner
written by beautifulsinner

I want to feel loved. I long the feeling of being desired by someone. I want to feel like people out there love me and want me to exist. I want to have a reason not to kill my self. I want people who show me I matter and that i will be missed. But I don’t have those people. I just have sadness and emptiness. I have people who don’t bother to reach out to me and shallow friends. Give me a reason to stay alive. Don’t make me regret not killing my self. Because right now, I regret not killing my self when I had the chance. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m tired of getting drunk alone. I’m tired of cutting myself so deep I have to sleep on a towel so I don’t get blood on my sheets. I’m tired of making myself throw up because I feel guilty for consuming so many calories. I just want to be okay again. I want to be loved. Is that too much to ask for?

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Family & Friends Effects

by kitty89
written by kitty89

today i almost wanted to end it. i left school telling myself that i wouldn’t be coming back here. there’s times i think my pain will go away but things just  keep getting worse. today was going to be my last day but i decided to stay for a little longer because my mom cooked my favorite meal for lunch. i felt like that was a sign. or maybe it wasn’t but if it keeps me going for another day i’ll take it.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

The Highlife Lowlife

by XJGH96
written by XJGH96

Hey. What’s up. I’m James. I have had a long period of suicidal issues. It started with loneliness, then the cutting, then saying ohhh I’m gonna do it. But as I grow older the loneliness part went completely away. I have so many people in my life constantly but I just don’t care. They just use me as a means of pleasure. Damned if you do damned if you don’t type situation. Yeah its how it is. How do I deal with it. Chemicals. Just some weed. It helps a ton but then it doesn’t because I can’t use it forever. Or maybe I could but I just can’t figure it out. I constantly tried to find an escape. Make the abuse of being used stop. Make my job stop. Make the payments stop. Make the rent. Stop. This is what would make me happy. Others not profiting on me. I have dreamed of finding a large boat and filling it with food and farms and all the stuff that I enjoy. Probably a pinball machine. And just sailing away. Of course I would build these things and never make anyone else do it. anyways Then I would be alone and nobody could ever bother me again. I could just sit and work for myself and my needs like food and fishing and silly things I think are funny. I have had the privilege of doing so much. And it made me worse. I don’t wanna be fancy. I don’t wanna be exclusive. And I don’t want sex. I would like to rest. A very deep rest. I have never seen or heard of a situation that warrants so much effort. A nice thing takes a lot of work. And the work is so hard that if I didn’t have to do the work then I would gladly not have the thing because then I could just rest. I feel I have little energy left. My power levels are low. I feel that I am at the center of a crazy government abuse scheme. My wife was raped and they didn’t do anything. Her brother died very young. Her parents can’t get legal documents to work. My aunt killed herself. My family who is privileged wastes are their money on boats, pills, and houses. My parents work for a college in texas thats primary funding come from depression pill manufacturing. They say, oh you’ll get better, you’ll get disability, you need to try this because there is something wrong with you. Oh and I get a huge cut from youre insurance and pharmacy bills. Oh and all the rent goes to a guy thats just sitting next to you in the same type of apartment accept he gets you to pay for his space. Wait its his house on the hill now. Gets paid to tell the poor foreigner to fix your pipes. Yeah. great. Wish I could do that. not wait maybe. u fucking nazi. This is what I faced and this is what killed me if I died. Others. I don’t belive anyone has ever commited suicide. It was done to them. Well maybe out of guilt or something but thats hardly ever the case. And even then. Why would anyone hurt others if they werent hurt first. Whats to learn from this? The people who are looking have zero power to even control their own lives let alone all this. Yeah IDK. I personally love this site because it feels like. Oh you can tell the world is bleeding too? Cool at least we can talk. At least we can feel each other existing.

XJGH96

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide NoteStories of Loss

dear n

by alone 1
written by alone 1

Hey
Its be a while I guess
There was so many thing I would have wanted to say to to but I couldn’t
I won’t
I cant bear to loose you I guess
I was afraid
But now im not here
I guess its only fair and right for you to know these

I loved you
I always have

I know there were never a us
So I try my best to treat you well
Hiding my dark side from you
Try to be a good friend
Have you as a part of my own little family

But good thing can only last this long
Im getting tired

And in those long sleepless night
I thought about you
I realised
You never were alone
You never will be
Your family were never with me

It was with others
Always has been
You trust them more then you ever will trust me
You think about them
Always

You never belonged with me
Your heart never stayed
Not for a beat

Knowing that I have tried
Gaven you all I have
Its about time

About time for me to realise that I have been wrong
In my heart, in my memory
You never were here
You never belong here
You never were in love
You never saw me more then just a friend

Again
You always have better friends
You always have someone to turn to
There will always be someone for you
And I hope they will be there for you as I have been

I do admit I have rely on you for a while

Its because I have never had someone that I can rely on
Not with my soul and my heart

You have always been kind to me

Thank you

And I ve relised it is indeed time for me to let you go

On your marry way

To where you belong

To those who you left your heart and trust

And it is indeed time to let me go

Where I won’t hurt ever

Some say there is an afterlife

I argue
I would say that the afterlife is the memory that I left behind

It is where you

Where my friends
Where you
Think I will go
Where you be the judge

Im hurt
Im tired
I will be alone
I always have

I wish I could hold you one more time
Where I was just a kid
Where I didn’t understand
Didn’t understand what happens felt like
What saddens was
Where holding you in my arms were the only thing I crave

Where a hug
A kiss made me feel high

Im sorry and good bye

I really do wish you find them
Find him
Find her
Find the one

love . li

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