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The effects of suicide on family and friends.

Family & Friends EffectsRantsStories of Loss

My family just forsake me

by deathberry
written by deathberry

I finally confessed to my family about my depression and suicidal attempts. I always try to pretend to be okay around them and for five years I did my best trying to strengthen our bonds. I always did my best to keep planning activities together, slending more time, helping them with their troubles. I expected to have built up a little bit of good will. But they expresed apathy towards my depresion. They could no believe nor understand what I was talking about. Is like everything until now was a lie. Is painful. My confesion just destroyed my connection to them. I will never be confortable being around them anymore. Tonight, I feel more inclined than ever to end my worthless life.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NoteStories of Hope

He is too sweet…

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

So I just got home today after I didnt go home last night

Too much.. my head cant contain it
I dont want to go home
Then he come to save me
I cry in his shoulder and he pat my head gently
I go to his place and it took 1 hour to arrive
He try booking another room
But we ended sleeping in the same room
He said he usually playing game and sleep on the floor
I know he was lying
He fall asleep and often wake up to change his position
So I told him to sleep beside me on the bed
The bed is big for 2 of us
When he fall asleep deeper.. my depression go deeper too
I cant breath properly and want to vomit..
With that condition.. sleeping is a hard thing to do
After pondering.. i decided to hold his pinkie
I feel calm and my nausea slightly gone
He wake up again and realize i hold his hand
He hold my hand and i feel warm inside
But not long he let my hand go
I feel sad..
In the morning.. he touch my hand and finger again
I pretend to sleep and close my eyes
I like it cause it makes me calm
I like his hand its big and warm
Even tho actually my hand is warmer cause i have a little bit fever
And his hand a little bit sweaty too
I find it funny and adoreable

He tell me to sleep again and again and again
And i said i cant sleep again and again and again
That moment he watch my wrist and see the cut
He ask me “your habit recurred again.. when you did this?”
I hid my hand and tell him it was long ago
But he know its recent
He touch my cut
He said that he dont want me to be like that
“If you need me.. just contact me.. i know i cant always be there.. but at least you know that this person always support you”
But i cant reply
I really dont know how to love you properly
I dont want ended hurting you or hurting myself
Im scared..

Around 10 am i take a bath
Then he take a bath after me
I wear his navy green tshirt back to the bed
Then we watch drama together about he who is love company robot and her who is fall in love with the robot
He tell me that she is crazy
But i think she is not.. love is freedom at least its the only one you can choose by yourself
After that he watch his drama and sit beside me on the floor
I hold his hand again and trying to sleep on the bed
He pat my head again… gently…

When I open my eyes
He told me “hey you fall asleep”
And i said “how? Im not.. i can hear the drama sound and i feel like im thinking and only close my eyes”
He reply “but you snore and you sleep for 45 mins”
I dont believe it but its a good news
Maybe its because he hold my hand and pat my head..
When he want to go buy food for our lunch
I dont want to let his hand go
“Just a little bit more..” I said
He giggle and said you are too adorable
He tell me to smile more
He tell me that i look pretty even without make up
He tell me that i look cute even yesterday when my face looks pale and pouting
He tell me his feelings wont change even tho im sick and have depression
He tell me he will go meet me everyday even tho im crazy and cant recognize him
Thank you for liking every side of me even the bad one.. really bad one

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Your problem wont affect my life

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

He told me “Your problem wont affect my life”
And it makes me think 1 day full about it
Still a week.. 2 weeks.. and I still wondering what that means
One said I started liking him
One said he really doesnt care about it
One said no matter what happened its okay for him
Its a matter for me
Its a big problem for me
Im here feeling depressed want to die
And my mom will leave me first
Im here still hating myself
Im here cant accept this cruel world
Im here afraid to start something
Im afraid of my minds and feelings
I just dont want someone get in my space and ruin my last wall
No.. you already did half way
And thats why i should stop my feelings
I start I fell I shattered
Lets go run away
Better it will be better

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRantsStories of Loss

How I scared someone.

by ScaryButHarmless
written by ScaryButHarmless

It first stated at the beginning of summer break. My friend from New York told me that goodbye meant she was going to kill herself. She said goodbye to me. I always had the mindset that I was the weak link in every type of relationship I’ve ever been in,whether it’s an unauthorized soccer team or just  me meeting someone new. So when I was told that she was going to kill herself, I blamed myself for not being good enough, So I texted a friend, the kindest person from my class, she would always greet me, and would ask me stuff from time to time, even though I would put on an emotionless persona at school, everything about me is unnerving. She was the reason I have anything in my year book besides stuff I designed. But my logical sense always told me that when your the reason that someone did something, you did it yourself, so I said that I was the one who killed her. She called me, and I couldn’t speak because before then, I’d never cry for something sad in front of anyone because I don’t display my emotions like other people do, due to my high functioning Autism, and people get scared of me, so when the dam, broke, I cried for everything that happened and everything I did, all the sadness of dead family and pets, regret of scaring people, everything. all 10 years of school and the sadness that came with it. And as I said before, people get scared of me displaying my emotions, so when that dam broke, she called the police on me. They came to my house, and now I’m on their watch list forever. THEN CAME THE SECOND FUCK UP!!! I texted her for emotional support and her sister or mother, (The actual owners of the phone), said to me that I scared her and that I needed to talk to a psychologist, and told me that she was scared, I said to tell her that I‘m sorry, and to tell her thank you. The person called me a dumbass. and I reflected o it for several days, and now Here I am, writing this in a place for what I believe is the right place. And just in case you didn’t know why I said thank you to her, It was because I never saw myself as I did after I scared her. I saw myself as someone to avoid, and she helped me see that.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRantsStories of Loss

leaving soon

by nonapanone
written by nonapanone

I am staring at the ceiling. My chest hurts. The sound the fan makes is suddenly too loud. I can’t breath right.

Why can’t I just die peacefully in my sleep?

Yes, I wouldn’t get to make a suicide note but I don’t have many people I want to say goodbye too.

Its just too much.

I promised myself I would hang on until I was 25, only 5 more years to not break my promise, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.

I wanted to finish uni, secure a job and move out to another place to start again and see if that way, I could be happy, but I don’t think I can hold on much longer.

I miss the people that used to be my friends, I miss uni, I miss looking happy in photos, I miss myself.

I thought that my sister giving birth would give me a purpose, some happiness, but now I only see it as a new opportunity to disappear.

I won’t be a burden to them, and all of my tuition money would go to the baby so my sister can feel more financially secure and my mother could get the operation she needs and start living her retirement the way she should.

I am sure they would move on quickly as I am quite irrelevant to them.

Heck, my mother can’t even remember my birthday, which funnily enough is at the end of the month.

I don’t really want to leave, I want another shot at happiness, as I’ve always said, but the pain is unbearable.

My mother doesn’t let me go on vacation with my father and doesn’t let me leave my house as she wants me to help with all the chores I couldn’t do when I was at uni. I’ll have to wait a little bit since he has the medication I want to end my life.

Oddly enough I am feeling sad because I’ll never see one of my professors again, but I keep reminding myself that him would have already forgotten about me. It’s sucks that he cared more about me than any of my parents during this academic year, but it’s time to move on.

I hope I’ll be able to get my meds soon and say goodbye forever.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsStories of Loss

Erasure

by unsuperwoman
written by unsuperwoman

I’m 28, and I want to die. The only thing that stops me is the pain it will leave behind. There’s no way to escape it. I don’t know how I could get these people that I care about out of my life without hurting them.  How do you just stop well formed relationships? Recently, I’ve tried to take a detailed look into my past, into the type of person I have been. For 28 years I have felt sad and worthless with occasional moments of reprieve. I’ve tried a dozen different pills, psychiatrists, therapists, and I’m always right where I started in the depths of hell in my head.

I don’t remember what it’s like to enjoy things anymore. It comes sparingly and leaves even faster. I wish I had never been born because there isn’t enough good I can do that will outweigh the bad that my suicide will create, and that doesn’t seem fair.

Sometimes I hope I’ll fall down the stairs on accident and die so that it wouldn’t have been my fault. But the pain would still be there for others. I can’t escape it.

So I hold onto myself in my suffering so that it won’t hurt others, but I’m getting tired. I’m finding myself in moments where I’m very close to ending my life without worrying about others feelings, but then I remember and I crawl back into the shell I’ve created for myself.

Will the suffering ever end?

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

today

by applepie2929
written by applepie2929

my father and my mother was arguing.
i stopped getting in the way due to my mom always being on his side.

today, she snapped.

i felt bad. she was screaming and it made sense. before that, he was towering over her on the couch, telling her how she was wrong about how he “didn’t” cheat on her(if you read my last post he did, he has a mistress to this day and talks to her while all three of us are at work{my brother, mom and i}), how shes a liar, and an idiot. an imbecile etc.

and she snapped, she said “FUCK YOU ALL” and “YOU NEVER LOVED ME” “YOU NEVER CARED” and i was happy? for my mom. she did it, she stood up to him. but; ive never seen her have a mental breakdown, and cry. i went into the kitchen and she told me to, “GET THE FUCK OUT“, and i did. i listened through my bedroom. and the next thing i know it; shes crying and telling him to stop and its not fine, while hes “hugging” her, and saying “stop it.”

Stop it????

STOP IT.

YOU TELL HER TO STOP CRYING NOT THAT “IM SORRY” OR “IM LITERAL HUMAN FILTH” .

i hate my father.

he then grabbed my hand and i told him to not touch me. HE THEN PROCEEDED TO SHIFT THE BLAME ON MY DOG. That i dont take him out(i work 12-6, so its hard for me on the weekdays), that i dont train him , etc. when i do. That its Lightning’s fault, when in reality its his fault for leaving us, for pretending to love my mom, for hurting her, FOR HER MENTAL BREAKDOWN/PANIC ATTACK.

later this night, they got over it, so easy. i knew it would happen, that they would just get over it, cus my father manipulates her so easily. im angry at both of them, but i hope i can have alone time with my mom to tell her and ask her if she can divorce my father, and stop getting hurt because of him.

i have already attempted before because of him, and i am too afraid my mom can go down the same route i went through.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

caring

by nonapanone
written by nonapanone

I had a private account because I’ve always cared too much about what people thought about me.

I thought it was a fantastic idea when I created it as  I could share my true feelings to the people I called my friends; I wouldn’t have to put a brave front for them, I could vent without restraining myself. I felt safe, for once, from my parents abusive behavior.

I didn’t see it coming.

All of my fears, thoughts, struggles, complied in screenshots and scattered away in one of my “friends” account.

What hurt me the most wasn’t the harsh blow to my trust issues; it was the passive attitude of my “other friends”.

I am old enough to know that no one is going to solve my problems and rescue me from my suicide thoughts; but a text message would have been nice.

Something to let me know that they care, that I am not alone, that they wouldn’t do the same shit this “friend” did, that even if they can’t be always there for me, that they would try their best to make me feel better.

Isn’t that a normal reaction? Am I expecting too much white from this grey world?

Shit, they didn’t even bat an eyelash when I told them my sister was being admitted into the hospital and I wanted to reschedule our meeting as I wouldn’t be able to see them the rest of the summer.

I should have realized sooner that very few people in this world care, that the only person who is going to pick you up when you hit the asphalt face front is yourself, that people enjoy seeing you suffer, even your “own friends”.

I even believed them when they say they would miss me if I was gone.

I should try another shot at happiness, the one I’ve been looking for 20 years.

I should try to keep my alive, even if it feels scary knowing that I have no one to grab my arm when I cross the street.

I should try to forget it all, but can I?

Can I stop caring?

Why does it pain me so much? Why can’t I understand that I am unimportant and live for myself?

Was I looking for happiness where it wasn’t supposed to be?

Will I be able to get through all of my mental health problems all alone?

I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live this way forever either.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

I hate my “friends”

by deathberry
written by deathberry
  1. 1. I was bullied all my school life (from elementary to high school ). In my last year I manage to make some friends through lies and deceit. When I am with them I have to act like a diferent person, I have to laught every time they make a joke, I have to listen to their problems and offer advice because that’s the kind of person they think I am and as soon as i start to show my true self they always get freaked out, so I can never share my hobbies or my troubles. It was nice in the beggining being part of a group but now is exausting. I don’t want to keep pretending anymore, and everytime I spend with them they only remind my of my shitty school life but I just laught because that’s what they expect from me, even though i’m crying inside I need to keep laughting. I just want them to forget about me but I also am scared of being alone aggain.
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Family & Friends EffectsGeneral

I dont really feel anything

by Kisser
written by Kisser

Maybe is more than a month sice i posted something here. Maybe anyone remember me, i dont care actually. I dont think anyone goes when i die. I ll just explain the title for now. I dont really feel anything anymore. Wrath, angryness, happiness or love, oh i almost forgot the most important one, pain. There was a week since i feel some pain in my heart what is bad. Bcs i dont feel anything, so there is nothing that i wll like…. right?
When i m with my gf i have some joy and im a bit happy. But is just for a moment. After i leave there it goes again. Dont feel a fuckin shit of emotion
I think thats pain is the best emotion bcs thats was the truly and strongest that i feel
I hope my heart stop or i die somehow.
But living in this way sucks
(Really sorry for my english, im brasilian and dont write in english too much)

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

My way of goodbyes

by slowly-leaving
written by slowly-leaving

I wrote a letter yesterday to my grandma telling her to not blame herself for my decision. No one was to blame for what I have done. I lost my papa in 2017 and I have not coped well since then. I died with him and I have finally understood what that meant. My boyfriend has tried to help me but I don’t share my feelings. So my decision comes from only me. I am alone and have always been alone. No matter how many people I surround myself with, I have always felt alone.

It makes things like this easier because I don’t have anyone to say anything to me that might change my mind. And honestly I questioned everyday why I was even here? Why was I born to hurt? Why my parents left me at 3? Why Michael let me be abused by his gf and her sons? Why didn’t Deanna want me? Why birth me if you didn’t want me? Why did I have to have pain? Why did Michael have to run in and out of my life, continuously failing me as a father? Why is my grandma getting remarried? It’s only been a year since my papa passed. I wish you all could hear how she talks about her new life now. She’s happy but she’s quick to tell me , papa is gone and she’s about to get a new family. Am I not her family anymore? Everything is changing and it hurts. It all hurts. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because they’ll make me feel guilty. I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems because I know someone has it worse then me and I feel guilty for even sharing this.
I don’t need anymore reason to finish everything. I made my peace with it and I can’t even say sorry about it. Who is honestly going to miss me? It’s been proven time and time again that thing are always fault and it’s easy to cast me aside.
I don’t share my feelings for a reason because nobody cares. At least when I wrote my feelings down I get it out but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing does.

I think things would be better off without me. My parents wouldn’t have to feel guilty about me. There wouldn’t be a reason to since I’m no longer here. I feel that would make them feel better. As for my grandma she’s looking forward to her future and I don’t think it would bother her much for me not to be apart of it. It already sounds like I’m not so there’s really no reason for me to stay right? I don’t think so either.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide Note

I fancy you

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

What is this feeling?
Maybe I fancy you

When you try to search me when im disappear
When you insist to call me when i jail myself
When you try to make me laugh
When you wonder what happen
When you ask if i cry
When you tell your story
When you always hear my story
When you always there

If i keep this as a secret
Until that time come
Will you still be there for me
Will you still fancy me

What should i do
I started to like your voice
Again

It doesnt matter who like who first
Right?

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Family & Friends EffectsMy Suicide NoteRantsStories of Loss

all cliches false bullshit

by tiredunluckyasf
written by tiredunluckyasf

i went through lots of shit. im the unluckiest person alive. i lost my parents. i lost my best friend. im always being bullied, and was borned with an ugly face and being autist and bipolar doesnt help. and when i always searching in the net, they just saying it gets better, just hard work(yes and i didnt mentioned business fails, its pathetic) and other stuff. they act they know the other person. and what if im  cant be happy? what?  i know i should be dead. and i will do it, but i just needed it, for last time.

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Family & Friends Effects

I’m afraid I lost myself

by justsad21
written by justsad21

I fell i took too many wrong turns in my life, somewhere I lost myself and I was so coward to go back and just keep going, just following the current.

Now i have a nice job and  can support myself and live well. But I just fell so lonely and miserable, I have losed all my friends and separated from my family, not because I wanted but because I’m incapable to connect with people. I don’t know why, it makes me furious!!! It is like I’m destined to rot alone. I’m so sad.

I wish I could go back to those sunny days with my friends , I miss all that warm and the joy! But  I can’t help it, I can’t scape this fucking curse. My life is empty , I’m empty. And it just doesn’t seem worth it, you know?

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide NoteStories of HopeStories of Loss

again

by li
written by li

here i go again
trying to say things
to make it all easier
to help hurt less when the day comes
being an asshole

another bottle
another sleepless night
the words of hers stuck in my head
ringing
i was just trying to do you right
but i can’t
learn from your mistake they said
i’m trying

i’m like a bomb but i’m constantly exploding
i was just trying to get you out of the blast zone

but i can’t
i need you here to hold down the switch to stop me from exploding
one last time

not enough tears can say i’m sorry

all of this just tells me
maybe it is time
to take that final bow
turn around
walk away

i don’t know how long it will take me to get better
i don’t know if i can
i don’t know if you are still gonna be here when i do
i don’t know if i’m going to be here for long

but i do know
someday
someone else will come along and not make those mistake
to be better

better then i was

 

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Family & Friends EffectsRants

My story, or Rina’s

by sergei2566
written by sergei2566

Hello. My name is Sergei Cherbanyatsev, and this is the “short” version of my story. If you want to know more about me on here, from my old (female) account, search the name “Mikhail Belakov” on here, click on the author’s username, “fallensovietgirl”, to see all of my posts circa 2014. Now, where were we? Ah, yes, my totally f**ked up life. So at the time of those posts, again found on fallensovietgirl, I was what Canadians and Americans would call a highschool freshman/sophomore. Anyways, I’m from Russia, and identify as a transgender male. Bozhe moi, Misha (Mikhail) would have been proud when I came out. (Wherever you are Misha, I will always be with you….) So, Grade 11, people here, in Canada, started really treating me like shit. Not going into detail here, but there’s a reason they fear for themselves when they hear the name Dmitri. Then, November 23rd, 2015 happened. Renata Kambolina, better known as Rina Palenkova, another friend of mine, also died by suicide, by beheading. For whatever reason, when she died, I was in my mind, trying to get to her, almost as if to say, “It’s gonna be okay, I’m here for you, I always will be.” I still remember one of the last messages she sent to me on Vkontakte, or VK, reading, mind you this is the best Russian-English transliteration I know, “vot i vsyo, proshchay” meaning roughly “that is all, goodbye” in English. Honestly, I wish I could have stopped, saved her. Rina, I forgive you, I love you, I just wish you were still here!

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralStories of Loss

When will it stop hurting?

by strawberrycrown
written by strawberrycrown

A year ago today was the last time I saw _____. It STILL hurts. Surely it can’t hurt that much for so long? I just want to know when will it stop hurting that ____ isn’t part of my life anymore. I think it hurts so much because ____ was my best friend and literally part of my family for her whole life and most of mine. A year ago _____ broke me. When I said goodbye to her it was really the last time. I tried for about 9 months to fix things to bring us together again but she didn’t care. Maybe our friendship didn’t mean as much to ____ as it did to me, although I find that hard to believe. And there’s not a single day that goes by where I do not think about ____. It’s so fucking hard. Everything I do, say, see, it reminds me of her and just makes me sad. Fuck, I was with a good friend yesterday and having a good time but we stopped at the $1 popcorn at target. In my head I instantly became sad because me and ____ would always buy like 4 packets of those popcorns before we went into the movies. And another thing is that on my snapchat and instagram memories, all I see is me with ______ and all I do is watch them making myself depressed because I miss her so fucking much. Even harder, this time each year is when one of us would go to the other’s house (we live 3 hours away). So 3 years ago today she was at my house, 2 years ago today I was at her house and 1 year ago today I was at her house. And this year? This year I sit here by myself on the edge of tears with no-one to even care. Oh and another fucking great thing about this, a couple days ago her friends were at her house and I was with my friends. Our friends were just saying little things to each other like oh fuck you or like you’re scum. Then all of a sudden one of the friends _____ was with said “you know what (my name), you need to go kill yourself”. It’s sad because _____ can let her friends say such a horrible thing to someone who was a huge part of her life for so long, on top of the fact that _____ makes me fucking want to kill myself. But she never knew I was depressed, had anxiety or anything because I didn’t realise until after her. After she left my life in such a painful way that to this day it hurts. If it hurts after a year, I just want to know WHEN will it stop hurting because I can’t go on like this.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneral

hard to be a *****

by evianwatre
written by evianwatre

theres nothing i can do about this shit. it seems like everything i did was a mistake, i open my mouth and there goes another, i say whats on my mind and they go “you shouldn’t think that way”. how the fuck am i suppose to make others comfortable when i- i dont even know what i want to say.
people compare pain, it’s really fucking annoying. sorry that we’re not experiencing the death of a family or living in a war zone right now, we don’t deserve to be sad knowing how much we have? fuck, it’s true, as if i want to feel like hot shit every day i get up. everyone gets on this world, they suffer and some just can’t make it out, being the ***** and quit midway seems easier, but yeah im the bigger ***** and i can’t do it.
its just today when i start to imagine that i don’t exist to others. during lunch i sat with them without a word to say, as usual, because for fuck’s sake i am ignorant enough to never make the right comment that satisfies them. nothing taste good anymore, i do feel hungry now and i think its better since last month i couldn’t get my interest on eating at all. food’s fucking disgusting. i was chewing the shit out of a stick of corn and as the time goes on i felt like i was fading away, that was the peace i want. nobody laid an eye on me and spoke of me, it’s funny since i do get sad when that happens sometimes, but imagine one day you wake up and nobody remembers you and you can just do whatever the fuck you want, jump in front of a car and no one will cry. that’s #2 on my dream list #1 is getting a pop tart ive never had that shit before i know i dont feel like eating and shit but pop tart holy fuck yes come to daddy

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide NoteRants

Help : Should I runaway from home for days?

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

Im so depressed right now
And no one care about me
No one appreciate my existence
Should I just runaway from home for a few days?
So I can think whay i really want to do in my life
And my parents can think what they need to think about
Im stuck and I realy dont have a will to live anymore
Help me guys..
What should i do??
I will just runaway for some days and going back home again
I think with this plan all of us can think properly and not stuck here forever
I need a place to be alone and think

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

my father yawning makes me wanna die

by an_old_child
written by an_old_child

i can’t take it anymore. i hate it when he yawns, when he makes a disgusting sound when he drinks tee, when he chews food with open mouth, when he licks his fingers when he eats (I MEAN WHO ON EARTH DOES THAT!) when he makes some disgusting sound i don’t know if there’s a word for it… when he’s not doing anything with his fucking mouth but still there is a disgusting sound. OH and when he kisses my niece and nephew (his grand children) he makes this hateful disgusting sound with his wet lips UGHHH…

i mean like i’m in my room doing my shit and focusing and enjoying my life and the suddenly he YAWNS so loudly that i want to KILL MYSELF!

sometimes i with i was at least deaf. it’s true that then i wouldn’t be able to play piano or listen to music but that’s okay, as long as his disgusting sounds doesn’t make me wanna RIP MY EAR OFF. i mean last night i was in my room and i literally hit my head on the floor and it hurt so much. i can’t take it. i don’t know how to solve this problem.

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