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Family & Friends Effects

The effects of suicide on family and friends.

Coping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

Can’t Talk About Suicidal Thoughts

by DogCat
written by DogCat

I constantly think about dying – fantasizing. I am 42, and it has been this way as long as I can remember.

I have a daughter and a loving husband. I would never try to kill myself again – not right now. I have said I will revisit the issue when I am 50.

I stay for them, not for myself. My daughter’s dad is selfish and hardly talks to her anymore. He has his own drama filled life. She is only 17.

My husband is kind and understanding. He had a hard time with long-term relationships until we met – nice guy syndrome, I guess.

I can’t leave them, and I won’t. That is why I told myself we will see at 50. We will see how things are then.

I was in counseling for a while and saw a psych. This is something you can’t talk about with them. The constant feeling of wishing it could just be over. If you do, you risk getting put in a psych ward for a week. I can’t afford that and neither can my family.

I was on The Suicide Project boards a few years ago when I thought I couldn’t hold on any longer. I figured I would come back. At least here, I can express my feelings without worrying about being sent to a hospital.

Sorry, I didn’t remember my log in from then.

 

 

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

i want her to live

by lostcase
written by lostcase

i don’t know what to do anymore, so, i met this friend of mine last semester of my senior year. somehow we became close very close, however, she had to go forever to another country. we stayed in touch and we kept on talking every single day. she is now my best best friend, the best one i have ever had. At even sometimes thought i liked her even more but it’s not m topic. we both had our shit and every time we are there for each other she’d comfort me and calm me and id do the same for her. it’s been two years since we graduated and she still didn’t go to uni because of exam thingys, she doesn’t have friends in that country, and she lives with her parents. she keeps getting sad, every time she’s in a dark episode it gets so hard for her. i’m insanely panicky all the time, i want her to live i want her to stay, i wanna save money i wanna see her, she’s amazing ad she needs to live. but i feel so selfish saying that, feeling that. i can’t just let her go i can’t no way. she must fight i know for a fact that of things change she’ll feel better. she needs friends and something to occupy her, i find her very strong to fight all this loneliness tbh. i don’t know what to do, she wont get therapy she cant tell her parents, and im always scared ill lose her, i feel sad that she is sad. i can’t convince her that it’ll get better when she can’t see a future for herself. what do u think i should do? i wish i could go see her sooooo much but im broke and even if i wasnt i need a visa. i wish i could hug her.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

DESPICABLE ME

by bipolar adam
written by bipolar adam

My despicable me hate any kind of effort specially that related to money and i laught at those who get up every morning to do some repetitive boring task and waiting for month to pass to get a few coins or bills however i would gladly accept free and easy money like passive income or lottery if it works for me

My despicable me love no one even my family and i feel nothing when one of my family is suffering or died and sometimes i enjoyed other’s suffering hence i have no friend whatsoever even if someone try to get close to me i reject him instantly and i dont believe in love or any good relationship like friendship but i believe in lust benefits and business and i think that each human live for himself while trying to use the others to the maximum for himself only however i do feel bad sometimes about violance and suffering of others and i would like to help

My despicable me unstable and want to do something tragic shocking or against all rules and protocoles just for the hell of it and i think that human lives is worthless and most of them will burn in hell

My despicable me think that psychiatrists are loser and they lie at people for money while they themselves suffer and i think that we pretend that we are strong smart and rich while we all slave to money we all make mistakes and we all get deseas and die evantually

My despicable me feel like an avenger feel that the world is the enemy feel that human are evil by nature and deserve pain & suffering however my despicable me needs some love some care and to be sufficent but i dont care at all if anything change or nothing at all

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Coping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

Love

by beautifulsinner
written by beautifulsinner

I want to feel loved. I long the feeling of being desired by someone. I want to feel like people out there love me and want me to exist. I want to have a reason not to kill my self. I want people who show me I matter and that i will be missed. But I don’t have those people. I just have sadness and emptiness. I have people who don’t bother to reach out to me and shallow friends. Give me a reason to stay alive. Don’t make me regret not killing my self. Because right now, I regret not killing my self when I had the chance. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m tired of getting drunk alone. I’m tired of cutting myself so deep I have to sleep on a towel so I don’t get blood on my sheets. I’m tired of making myself throw up because I feel guilty for consuming so many calories. I just want to be okay again. I want to be loved. Is that too much to ask for?

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Family & Friends Effects

by kitty89
written by kitty89

today i almost wanted to end it. i left school telling myself that i wouldn’t be coming back here. there’s times i think my pain will go away but things just  keep getting worse. today was going to be my last day but i decided to stay for a little longer because my mom cooked my favorite meal for lunch. i felt like that was a sign. or maybe it wasn’t but if it keeps me going for another day i’ll take it.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

The Highlife Lowlife

by XJGH96
written by XJGH96

Hey. What’s up. I’m James. I have had a long period of suicidal issues. It started with loneliness, then the cutting, then saying ohhh I’m gonna do it. But as I grow older the loneliness part went completely away. I have so many people in my life constantly but I just don’t care. They just use me as a means of pleasure. Damned if you do damned if you don’t type situation. Yeah its how it is. How do I deal with it. Chemicals. Just some weed. It helps a ton but then it doesn’t because I can’t use it forever. Or maybe I could but I just can’t figure it out. I constantly tried to find an escape. Make the abuse of being used stop. Make my job stop. Make the payments stop. Make the rent. Stop. This is what would make me happy. Others not profiting on me. I have dreamed of finding a large boat and filling it with food and farms and all the stuff that I enjoy. Probably a pinball machine. And just sailing away. Of course I would build these things and never make anyone else do it. anyways Then I would be alone and nobody could ever bother me again. I could just sit and work for myself and my needs like food and fishing and silly things I think are funny. I have had the privilege of doing so much. And it made me worse. I don’t wanna be fancy. I don’t wanna be exclusive. And I don’t want sex. I would like to rest. A very deep rest. I have never seen or heard of a situation that warrants so much effort. A nice thing takes a lot of work. And the work is so hard that if I didn’t have to do the work then I would gladly not have the thing because then I could just rest. I feel I have little energy left. My power levels are low. I feel that I am at the center of a crazy government abuse scheme. My wife was raped and they didn’t do anything. Her brother died very young. Her parents can’t get legal documents to work. My aunt killed herself. My family who is privileged wastes are their money on boats, pills, and houses. My parents work for a college in texas thats primary funding come from depression pill manufacturing. They say, oh you’ll get better, you’ll get disability, you need to try this because there is something wrong with you. Oh and I get a huge cut from youre insurance and pharmacy bills. Oh and all the rent goes to a guy thats just sitting next to you in the same type of apartment accept he gets you to pay for his space. Wait its his house on the hill now. Gets paid to tell the poor foreigner to fix your pipes. Yeah. great. Wish I could do that. not wait maybe. u fucking nazi. This is what I faced and this is what killed me if I died. Others. I don’t belive anyone has ever commited suicide. It was done to them. Well maybe out of guilt or something but thats hardly ever the case. And even then. Why would anyone hurt others if they werent hurt first. Whats to learn from this? The people who are looking have zero power to even control their own lives let alone all this. Yeah IDK. I personally love this site because it feels like. Oh you can tell the world is bleeding too? Cool at least we can talk. At least we can feel each other existing.

XJGH96

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide NoteStories of Loss

dear n

by alone 1
written by alone 1

Hey
Its be a while I guess
There was so many thing I would have wanted to say to to but I couldn’t
I won’t
I cant bear to loose you I guess
I was afraid
But now im not here
I guess its only fair and right for you to know these

I loved you
I always have

I know there were never a us
So I try my best to treat you well
Hiding my dark side from you
Try to be a good friend
Have you as a part of my own little family

But good thing can only last this long
Im getting tired

And in those long sleepless night
I thought about you
I realised
You never were alone
You never will be
Your family were never with me

It was with others
Always has been
You trust them more then you ever will trust me
You think about them
Always

You never belonged with me
Your heart never stayed
Not for a beat

Knowing that I have tried
Gaven you all I have
Its about time

About time for me to realise that I have been wrong
In my heart, in my memory
You never were here
You never belong here
You never were in love
You never saw me more then just a friend

Again
You always have better friends
You always have someone to turn to
There will always be someone for you
And I hope they will be there for you as I have been

I do admit I have rely on you for a while

Its because I have never had someone that I can rely on
Not with my soul and my heart

You have always been kind to me

Thank you

And I ve relised it is indeed time for me to let you go

On your marry way

To where you belong

To those who you left your heart and trust

And it is indeed time to let me go

Where I won’t hurt ever

Some say there is an afterlife

I argue
I would say that the afterlife is the memory that I left behind

It is where you

Where my friends
Where you
Think I will go
Where you be the judge

Im hurt
Im tired
I will be alone
I always have

I wish I could hold you one more time
Where I was just a kid
Where I didn’t understand
Didn’t understand what happens felt like
What saddens was
Where holding you in my arms were the only thing I crave

Where a hug
A kiss made me feel high

Im sorry and good bye

I really do wish you find them
Find him
Find her
Find the one

love . li

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Family & Friends Effects

I am sorry that i am not good enough.

by DufoCloe
written by DufoCloe

I don’t know where these thoughts are coming from. I don’t know why they are there. But everytime i try to be with my family, i just feel more empty, more lonely. Maybe it’s because i get even more compared to my perfect family members. To hear what they archieved, what they reached in life. And then to say, what i didn’t. How i failed again. It doesn’t matter what i do, they always just stare at me, with this look in their eyes, almost as if they would tell it to me. The truth, how they would never see me as something else, than a person who rather sits in a dark room with a pc all day, than going outside. It hurts. It makes you feel less of a human. Less worth. Should i be sorry for having different passions then someone else? Sometimes i feel like i don’t belong into this family. The last few days, this sometimes became everyday.

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Family & Friends Effects

by iliketoeat
written by iliketoeat

Those people who you’d die for, no they don’t care.

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Family & Friends EffectsMy Suicide Note

I need some serious advice.

by imserious
written by imserious

Hi, I’m new here. Let’s cut to the chase, I’m a college student have been struggling with this stuff for a while. I’ve got in trouble two times in college for drinking the last 2 weeks. I’m never going to make the same mistake again but I can’t live with my pain plus this all going on.  It’s going on my record and I can’t bear it anymore.  This struggle of mine has been going on for years and it’s only made it worse. I feel alone and scared but I’m finally ready after all these years. How do I write my note to be most sensitive to my parents and siblings. That’s the last thing I finally care about anymore. What can I say to let them know it’s not their fault. It’s my doing, my choice and it’s going to happen.

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Family & Friends EffectsRants

by lostmama
written by lostmama

So, I posted on here about 10 years ago. When I felt I had no where to turn. I’m there again. 10 years later. I have two beautiful children, a third on the way… a husband who I am sure does love me very much.. but why can’t I just be happy????

 

If it wasn’t for this child I’m  carrying I honestly think I would have put a bullet in my head tonight. I keep thinking, for hours now, that I’ll have him or her – nurse them for a year or so… just long enough to see them develop with the beginnings of their own personality.. then I’ll save my family the trouble of me. I’ll end my life. I’ll stop making my husband miserable with my own insanity, I’ll save my children from having to see too much of it.

 

The thing is, I think I’ve broken my husband. I get VERY down on myself when I’m depressed I feel like trash, like garbage, like all I am good for is the things I can do. I try very hard to do things for everyone – so they’ll love me. But when I’m in this hole..  nothing I do is good enough. I’m trash. I’m garbage. I’m worthless and everything is all wrong.

 

A few weeks ago, we got in a argument and I just snapped. The gates I had keeping my self-worthlessness just broke open. One of the things I told him was that I felt like all I was good for was a clean house and a good fuck. There was more to that argument, obviously but that is what stuck with him. I don’t even what remember what started the fight. I just remember the similarities to past arguments.  We haven’t had many. But I get repeats of the “why is this always the same” “stop playing up the bipolar crap”…

 

Now tonight he tells me the thought that he would only use me like that makes him never want to do anything to me ever again. That he can’t get past that in his mind.

 

I did not mean that HE made me feel that way. I feel that way but that’s just because I’m depressed.

 

I don’t know what to do. There’s more there. But I dont know if it’s the depression talking or if my marriage is over or at the very least severely damaged. I could be completely wrong. I hope I am I don’t know…

 

He went to bed, and wouldn’t talk more after telling me this. So I am just lost. I have no one to turn to who I’d trust enough to talk about this with. Everyone close to me has died. I don’t trust anyone easily..  and he’s all I have.

If I don’t have him. I don’t know what to do. It’s pretty pathetic of me- I know, but I have tried to form friendships over the years but no one has proven to be trustworthy enough to me.

 

I’m just lost. Lost, and confused. Wishing I’d listened to my grandma. Never ruined anyone’s life with an attachment to me.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralPoetry & Art

Actually, we are stronger than we think

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

The meaning of you still here and breathing
Means you are stronger than you think

With all your problems
With all your mental disorder
With all the scar on your wrist or body
But you still breathing
Means you are stronger than you think

We are not weak
Maybe we cry more than people out there
We are not weak
Maybe we try to kill ourself hundred times more than people out there
We are not weak

And when all of this pass
You will believe that you never lose
Its just our way
Our different way
To win

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

Well

by whytry2
written by whytry2

That’s a deep subject..I’m at a loss right now..feeling like I have no good reason to be on this planet any longer but I don’t want to bring anymore unnecessary pain to my 4 beautiful children and their families. I hurt so much physically (fibromyalgia) and mentally. I really don’t know how much more I can take..I’ve always been the one to make the sacrifice..

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

Am I the only one?

by Stop1t
written by Stop1t

first of, i am new here.

I have been thinking about suicide for quite a while now. Reading on this forum does help me a little bit, but every time I read motivating posts about not killing yourself, I get more depressed since my problems are not things like “no one likes/cares for me”.

I am struggling with myself as a person in the last few months. i’ve been doing many things that i’m not proud of, additionaly i ended up in a situatuon where i am alone with myself. No one, even if they wanted to can help me now. feeling like im locked inside a room with the person that I hate the most, I decided that i cannot take myself anymore.

My past is coming to get me everyday. Its getting closer because I was making stupid desicions, now I can not reverse and have to get help from others(at least my mom). But being thrown in this situation is nons fault but mine, which explains why I can not handle myself anymore. Everyone is leaving and I can understand them. I am acting like a dick, as a person I would call me annoying, dumb or just unneeded. The only thing keeping me alive is my mother, I do love her a lot. All i manage to do is not telling her anything and ending up hurting her or being mean to her.

So, the reason for me writing this is, is there anyone feeling the same? not struggeling with your social situation but with yourself? I am tired of not being able to talk to anyone about it since I start to shut in towards my friends which leads them to not talk to me. To be fair, I think that i could not talk about the things bothering me with good friends, I assume that they would wether not take it serious or turn away from me.

 

Am I the only one feeling this way? Help.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneral

Weak

by softfeather10
written by softfeather10

My heart aches every morning, it makes me feel week. Most of time is from the loneliness of being alone on a double sized bed every day. Other mornings its from the stress of my problems or problems my family places on me to resolve. I wish didn’t feel so weak every morning. The times I’m truly happy are when I sleep. The sound of eternal sleep gets better every morning I face. No more lonely nights, no more stressing over my financial problems, no more disappointing plans for the future. I could be myself without being tide down to the wrong people and sinking to the deep abyss of depression.

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Family & Friends EffectsRantsStories of Loss

My family just forsake me

by deathberry
written by deathberry

I finally confessed to my family about my depression and suicidal attempts. I always try to pretend to be okay around them and for five years I did my best trying to strengthen our bonds. I always did my best to keep planning activities together, slending more time, helping them with their troubles. I expected to have built up a little bit of good will. But they expresed apathy towards my depresion. They could no believe nor understand what I was talking about. Is like everything until now was a lie. Is painful. My confesion just destroyed my connection to them. I will never be confortable being around them anymore. Tonight, I feel more inclined than ever to end my worthless life.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NoteStories of Hope

He is too sweet…

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

So I just got home today after I didnt go home last night

Too much.. my head cant contain it
I dont want to go home
Then he come to save me
I cry in his shoulder and he pat my head gently
I go to his place and it took 1 hour to arrive
He try booking another room
But we ended sleeping in the same room
He said he usually playing game and sleep on the floor
I know he was lying
He fall asleep and often wake up to change his position
So I told him to sleep beside me on the bed
The bed is big for 2 of us
When he fall asleep deeper.. my depression go deeper too
I cant breath properly and want to vomit..
With that condition.. sleeping is a hard thing to do
After pondering.. i decided to hold his pinkie
I feel calm and my nausea slightly gone
He wake up again and realize i hold his hand
He hold my hand and i feel warm inside
But not long he let my hand go
I feel sad..
In the morning.. he touch my hand and finger again
I pretend to sleep and close my eyes
I like it cause it makes me calm
I like his hand its big and warm
Even tho actually my hand is warmer cause i have a little bit fever
And his hand a little bit sweaty too
I find it funny and adoreable

He tell me to sleep again and again and again
And i said i cant sleep again and again and again
That moment he watch my wrist and see the cut
He ask me “your habit recurred again.. when you did this?”
I hid my hand and tell him it was long ago
But he know its recent
He touch my cut
He said that he dont want me to be like that
“If you need me.. just contact me.. i know i cant always be there.. but at least you know that this person always support you”
But i cant reply
I really dont know how to love you properly
I dont want ended hurting you or hurting myself
Im scared..

Around 10 am i take a bath
Then he take a bath after me
I wear his navy green tshirt back to the bed
Then we watch drama together about he who is love company robot and her who is fall in love with the robot
He tell me that she is crazy
But i think she is not.. love is freedom at least its the only one you can choose by yourself
After that he watch his drama and sit beside me on the floor
I hold his hand again and trying to sleep on the bed
He pat my head again… gently…

When I open my eyes
He told me “hey you fall asleep”
And i said “how? Im not.. i can hear the drama sound and i feel like im thinking and only close my eyes”
He reply “but you snore and you sleep for 45 mins”
I dont believe it but its a good news
Maybe its because he hold my hand and pat my head..
When he want to go buy food for our lunch
I dont want to let his hand go
“Just a little bit more..” I said
He giggle and said you are too adorable
He tell me to smile more
He tell me that i look pretty even without make up
He tell me that i look cute even yesterday when my face looks pale and pouting
He tell me his feelings wont change even tho im sick and have depression
He tell me he will go meet me everyday even tho im crazy and cant recognize him
Thank you for liking every side of me even the bad one.. really bad one

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Your problem wont affect my life

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

He told me “Your problem wont affect my life”
And it makes me think 1 day full about it
Still a week.. 2 weeks.. and I still wondering what that means
One said I started liking him
One said he really doesnt care about it
One said no matter what happened its okay for him
Its a matter for me
Its a big problem for me
Im here feeling depressed want to die
And my mom will leave me first
Im here still hating myself
Im here cant accept this cruel world
Im here afraid to start something
Im afraid of my minds and feelings
I just dont want someone get in my space and ruin my last wall
No.. you already did half way
And thats why i should stop my feelings
I start I fell I shattered
Lets go run away
Better it will be better

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRantsStories of Loss

How I scared someone.

by ScaryButHarmless
written by ScaryButHarmless

It first stated at the beginning of summer break. My friend from New York told me that goodbye meant she was going to kill herself. She said goodbye to me. I always had the mindset that I was the weak link in every type of relationship I’ve ever been in,whether it’s an unauthorized soccer team or just  me meeting someone new. So when I was told that she was going to kill herself, I blamed myself for not being good enough, So I texted a friend, the kindest person from my class, she would always greet me, and would ask me stuff from time to time, even though I would put on an emotionless persona at school, everything about me is unnerving. She was the reason I have anything in my year book besides stuff I designed. But my logical sense always told me that when your the reason that someone did something, you did it yourself, so I said that I was the one who killed her. She called me, and I couldn’t speak because before then, I’d never cry for something sad in front of anyone because I don’t display my emotions like other people do, due to my high functioning Autism, and people get scared of me, so when the dam, broke, I cried for everything that happened and everything I did, all the sadness of dead family and pets, regret of scaring people, everything. all 10 years of school and the sadness that came with it. And as I said before, people get scared of me displaying my emotions, so when that dam broke, she called the police on me. They came to my house, and now I’m on their watch list forever. THEN CAME THE SECOND FUCK UP!!! I texted her for emotional support and her sister or mother, (The actual owners of the phone), said to me that I scared her and that I needed to talk to a psychologist, and told me that she was scared, I said to tell her that I‘m sorry, and to tell her thank you. The person called me a dumbass. and I reflected o it for several days, and now Here I am, writing this in a place for what I believe is the right place. And just in case you didn’t know why I said thank you to her, It was because I never saw myself as I did after I scared her. I saw myself as someone to avoid, and she helped me see that.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRantsStories of Loss

leaving soon

by nonapanone
written by nonapanone

I am staring at the ceiling. My chest hurts. The sound the fan makes is suddenly too loud. I can’t breath right.

Why can’t I just die peacefully in my sleep?

Yes, I wouldn’t get to make a suicide note but I don’t have many people I want to say goodbye too.

Its just too much.

I promised myself I would hang on until I was 25, only 5 more years to not break my promise, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.

I wanted to finish uni, secure a job and move out to another place to start again and see if that way, I could be happy, but I don’t think I can hold on much longer.

I miss the people that used to be my friends, I miss uni, I miss looking happy in photos, I miss myself.

I thought that my sister giving birth would give me a purpose, some happiness, but now I only see it as a new opportunity to disappear.

I won’t be a burden to them, and all of my tuition money would go to the baby so my sister can feel more financially secure and my mother could get the operation she needs and start living her retirement the way she should.

I am sure they would move on quickly as I am quite irrelevant to them.

Heck, my mother can’t even remember my birthday, which funnily enough is at the end of the month.

I don’t really want to leave, I want another shot at happiness, as I’ve always said, but the pain is unbearable.

My mother doesn’t let me go on vacation with my father and doesn’t let me leave my house as she wants me to help with all the chores I couldn’t do when I was at uni. I’ll have to wait a little bit since he has the medication I want to end my life.

Oddly enough I am feeling sad because I’ll never see one of my professors again, but I keep reminding myself that him would have already forgotten about me. It’s sucks that he cared more about me than any of my parents during this academic year, but it’s time to move on.

I hope I’ll be able to get my meds soon and say goodbye forever.

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