Family & Friends Effects

You can’t just give them one thing and then give me another. When I try to make the same thing you’d yell at me, forbidding me from eating it. I’d understand if you’d just say you were saving it for them, they’re young and whatnot. But I can tell that you just don’t want me to eat like them because I’m still fat and haven’t lost enough weight for you. It makes me upset and I’d rather not eat anything whatsoever but then you’d make yet another dish and invite me for a bite. I’d decline and you’d threaten me saying I might as well starve myself if I can’t appreciate your hard work and all this other dumb shit. The funny thing is that whenever there are leftovers you’d shy away not wanting to eat them and gain weight forcing me to eat it and guilt tripping me, practically threatening me to finish it all. And yet, you call me fat.
You know what? I might as well accept it at this point. It’s not even that bad, I have a pot belly is all. Sure, I look like I’m three months pregnant with my stomach out and thin ass arms but fuck you if you’re gonna be a ***** about it

I don’t like
Having to witness this
I can’t
Get the courage to tell her to apologize when she’s in the wrong
she might turn around and yell at me. I dont want that. I’ve had enough of that
How can I make myself better. How can I be good enough to not be yelled at. To not be looked upon in such manner
I hate it
I hate it
I hate how she hits them for a reason that she believed to be true, but wasn’t. And doesn’t apologize but continue to yell and hit for an extended reason that justified the initial one. Just like with me.
I hate how I just sit and watch
I hate how I stop myself from telling her to apologize to them. She misunderstood but like always, was too prideful to say so.
I hate how she hasn’t changed
I hate how she’s too stubborn to take my words seriously and detests me pointing out her flaws
I hate how every time I point out that she was in the wrong she flips my words on my own head, making me hate myself and wonder why the fuck I opened my mouth in the first place
I hate myself for not knowing how to help them
I hate having to sit here and see all the different ways they could be affected by this one instance. Just like me.
They might stop eating unless told to
They’ll be afraid to do anything with others around
They didn’t even receive and apology for being slapped because she thought they were putting legos in their mouth.
They were just eating candy
And yet she kept slapping them and telling them to spit it out
Even when the other one told her that they were just snacking
I hate
Just sitting here
How do I go to them when she’s around and tell them what I know
I hate this

Amidst this lockdown, I found that I have been able to make only a few friends in my 22yrs on this planet and no-one close enough to speak my heart to. I have no idea how to make friends, and above all that I’m an introvert program to be quite and alone.

is it sad, that i always find myself back here? whats sad anymore.. i feel numb, no feeling lasts more than 5 seconds. and i have gotten used to it. i bared with that empty feeling for so long, so hard. even my tries to die weren’t so genuine.. i am too tired to even die. if the world collapsed this very second i would just blink and probably feel nothing still, maybe a glimpse of relief but thats all. i just really wish i never existed. i didn’t want to exist i never asked for it, and i feel like im ungrateful because of my feelings because i lead a decent mediocre life. maybe that’s what makes me want to kill myself so much. my knowing that things will in fact never change, ill forever have to hide and fake and pretend to want to live, fake emotions fake relationships fake thoughts. i don’t like the world oppressed but .. i am.. i’d rather be the one to kill myself than be killed if i even stopped faking. i’ll go to hell either way.. another crying session of self hatred and life hatred. another cries for the fact that i have to do something about this life,, i have to end it, or live with it. both options which i despise. i, despise everything. i wish i can get the motivation to kill myself already.

I’m fading away more and more everyday and I’m struggling. Trying to find the right words to explain it is complicated. I’m under quarantine and I hate it. But all I do is sleep and draw. I rarely eat anymore because when I leave my room I get targeted by my brother to be his throwing doll. As I hope that every breath will be my last I know that the angle of death won’t come and sent me free because it’s not my time.

But it’s kinda hard to not want that feeling of freedom. I’m alone. Alone with the thoughts that keep me captive to my own bed. I just lay here helpless knowing that whatever I do or say won’t be enough. Because I’m not enough. My girlfriend tries to remind me that she’s here with me but like I always say “You’re not the cause of these demons in my head, therefor you shouldn’t have to take on the responsibility of helping me conquer them.” She smiles and says she loves me but it’s only a matter of time before she see’s how clingy and problematic I am. Its been 1 month and she hasn’t given up on me. I fade away with every fake smile and “I’m Fine” Because of my past there are things that I can’t let go of. I have scars from when I was 5 yrs old and wanting to already end my life. It’s not worth losing yourself and personality worth. But it’s a struggle to keep my head up.