For your poems.
Self-Diagnosed.
Therapy Helped.
Gave Me Drugs
To Keep Me Sane.
They Alter The Dosage.
I Feel Fine.
I Feel Fine?
The Darkness Grabs Me.
Mind Grows Heavy.
Is It Back?
Can I Ever Be Fine?
The Hands Drag Me In.
Am I Worth Saving?
Anger Fires Up Inside.
I’m Stuck.
In A Loop.
I’m Going Nowhere.
But I Don’t Want To Leave.
I use to hang out on this site a lot a long time ago. I was once suicidal, longing to die, but then I got help and received disability benefits. My life has been better. The best way to describe my depression is that I’ve learned to manage the symptoms, but it’s not gone. It’s easier for me to post here. I hope to God that the people in my life don’t find this post. This is going to be a doozy.
Anyway, I believe that I am asexual. I’ve done the research because I knew that something wasn’t right. It’s normal for people […]
It’s terrible all over, there’s no denying that.
War, war, every day. Always a new explosion or beheading.
Economy, economy, things are never better than “cautiously optimistic”.
Yet for some reason, the front row seat for the whole show has been meant for you.
Look at what we go through to try to hang on to this theatre seat!
Oncologist: “I’m very sorry, sir, you have stage 4 cancer.”
War medic: “We can save half your arm and one leg.”
Father: “Oh, hello? Do I know you? You look familiar…. ”
A horror movie I never bought a ticket for…..
Guess I’ll have to enjoy the show or walk out.
What IS on the outside […]
Would I be able to come back
and fight it all away
Would I suddenly find my regrets
and remember why to stay
7 years ago
I still haven’t lived it through
So
I remember crying
I remember pleading
My mom divorced before
But I guess my father didn’t care
As when I was supposed to go
My sister went alone
It was a week
When we didn’t see
My sister was scared
The judge told him to bring her back
I blamed myself until now
My father shouldn’t have
Why did he kidnap my sister?
I couldn’t say at all.
Safe to say
I have grudge for him
He will fall.
Death, my sweet melancholy friend,
Why have you hidden your face from me for so long?
I longed for you, but I could not find you.
As time went on, things only worsened in your absence.
Now, I can feel you are near.
Let me clear my schedule. Let me set the time aside for you.
You are the only one I can trust to hear my burdens as I lay in your cold embrace.
Reach out your hand, and invite me into your dark abode.
You and I both know life wasn’t meant for us.
it should come soon (i say for the hundredth time so like who actually cares). this is a new low. i’ve never felt so scared and panicked.
2am and I’m singing in the shadows
all the lights turned down and my eyes closed
searching for the right words to describe this
but nobody ever listens to the dark
5am I’m waking up and letting go
of all I loved and of all that I’ll never know
I hate my life cause I’m living at an all time low
if breathing’s meant for living, my lungs are in my throat
hide under the covers, crying to myself
so my roommate doesn’t hear my hurting mental health
shove my head into the pillows, life’s a lie no doubt
but f- it if i’ll do it again […]
I wanted to share something I wrote recently while in anguish about how my parents don’t accept me for who I am and the way I want to live my life (basically, different from theirs). It helped me feel better, and hopefully it will bring you some comfort too. Let me know if it does and I’ll post my other ones 🙂
The poem:
Farewell: Understand Compassion Kills
I fucked this paper
Tortured it
And malevolently ended its happiness.
(Because I couldn’t find anyone else to do it to.)
Fuck you.
That’s what I said
That’s what I did.Â
I yelled and yelled the way they had yelled at me.
My words:
Fucking.
Stupid.
Paper.
My sentences:
I despise you.
Get out […]
Alone, forgotten, and welcoming the end knowing all that’s waiting is silence, peace, and the sadness of wondering if you could have lived better.
yet the sad, lost, and coward you want nothing but the answer that can make you what you are not, and what you fought to not be. where you brave enough? have you done enough? are you allowed to rest? you hoped someone else would answer.
but there was no one. of course there as no one, death was always but a transition. And the questions you ask could never have been answered by anyone but yourself in […]
How could you
how could you?
You’ve known me all my life
You watched me grow up
how could you
You disgust me
I can’t stand your face
All the memories we shared are tainted
You never cared
I’m Disgusted by the lies that you painted
The minute I wasn’t what you made me to be
I was nothing
And you toss me to the curb like trash
Did any of it ever mean anything to you?
All the respect all the bowing in begging and pleading
I knew what I was in […]
Did something happen?
This innocent question I hear
Was it something I said?
What did I do?
Could you somehow see the invisible tears?
It’s been rough, I will say
This hasn’t been my year.
No, it wasn’t you.
Why, do you ask?
I can’t tell my story for my fear
You can trust me
Your secrets safe, I swear.
Tell me your story
I will listen
I will show you that I care
OK OK I shall bear my soul
Maybe you should take a seat
The story leads to darkness
Somewhere past the pain […]
But sometimes i feel betrayed and lost in thoughts . This was an imagination of my thoughts where i visit my ex marriage .
A fine day. My ex-lover’s wedding ceremony is about to begin.He invited me to it.
Although I was not sure if I should attend, it is a testament to his character and the respect he has for me that he would extend such an invitation.
It also speaks to the strength of the bond we once shared and the memories we have together. The person I carved into my veins is getting married.
I try every day to stop loving and building […]
I didn’t realize how deep a mother wound can go – every day it is becoming even more suffocating. It’s like you need some gas to stay alive and instead of oxygen, someone has veen making you inhale something poisonous and you breath it in and it keeps you alive.
Yes, I guess in the recent past, this fear has terribly set in, almost hauntingly that I will eventually end up being alive; that life will not stop abruptly even though I have now mastered the art of living day to day. No amount of hurt, anxiety, some low point is enough to kill me. It’s […]
I’ve been levitating. I’ve been in a strange wind current that my mind can’t stop. I’ve been not thinking, but feeling worst. I’ve been levitating. On music, on songs, on people, and on love. I’ve been levitating and just waiting to fall. Just wanting to finally fall.
There is no meaning of life. We just exist, and die. And life goes on, and on, and on. For million, billion of years, etc etc etc.
We are just a speck of dust in the vast universe, in the grand scheme of things.
Of course, 90% (or 99%?) of people (human beings) will always try to find or give ‘meaning/purpose’ in their own insignificant lives, because the reason is simple: it’s survival instinct. Human beings (people) will (usually) try to keep living, keep surviving, no matter what. It’s evolutionary. It’s in human nature.
Even if it means people (humans) will create anything as their toxic positivity […]
People ask, where do I wanna be
What do I wanna do
Where do I wanna end up
And I don’t fucking know
I feel like a Toy Story toy, I’m nothing without someone else playing with me, putting me in construed situations, pulling my strings, I’m happiest and most myself when I can go limp and silent in their hands and at the end of the day be put back in my place
My selfhood and my drive, my determination and my will, my so-called creativity, all are brief battles
Tumultuous unguided and unpredictable bursts that only […]
The thing is eventhough we are not together . I cant some times get over our memories together . I feel like i loved too much . The bond I thought forever is shattered into pieces which cant be fixed back ……
I respect his decision . I think he left for a reason . Let him be whatever he wants to be …..
We cant like hold on to the people …. And i didnt do that or fight back because we must not be in place which is not ours …. I AM A AVERAGE , BROWN GIRL ……… IF THIS WAS THE END WHY […]
I miss the past. The future is certain death. For when I finally have found my place in life, I’d need to learn to let go all over again.
It’s learning to want certain things and crying over them later. That’s why my tree of wishes is empty.
Happy people say goodbye to unnecessary ballast, while I invite it in. At least something to decorate my tree with.
If I were near an ocean I would let the tide take me.
Feeling the current pull me under.
The brief suffocating feeling .
The pressure of the water,
Filling my lungs.
No More fighting.
No more struggle.
No more air.
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