Rants

tuesday, february 18th 2020. 4:25pm.

i know nobody chooses to be this way, nobody wants to be this way. i certainly don’t. but i can’t help it, i’m in this never-ending hole of depression. i’ve been to the hospital, i’ve been to therapy. i thought everything would be okay once i got into therapy. some days start off okay, just me dreading to open my eyes and wake up. but something small happens and i start overthinking about it and it just — ends up me wanting to relapse. i don’t have anybody i trust to talk to about this. i’m alone.

i feel so pathetic, honestly i’m over it.
i’m tired of feeling like this. i’m tried of getting over looked and feeling like my feelings aren’t vailed. this is all bullshit. when i actually opened up it was a sign of me seeking for attention then, now i cant even reach out for help nor say that i’m not okay because that means i want attention. i feel weak i’m not strong enough to get the help i need again because i have this fear that she’ll end up ignoring me because oh i’m doing it again . it’ll be like a cycle, oh i reach out to say i’m not okay, everyone turns away and sees it as me wanting everyone to look at me or thinks i’m trying to manipulate them. which i have gotten told that by my mother sadly i still haven’t been able to forgive her for that but she never asked for my forgiveness. everyone thinks i’m such this strong person who can get through anything and nothing really fazes me. that is not true i have built this wall that has me blocked from showing that i’m not okay and i’m struggling all on my own. no one has ever stopped to see that maybe this so called strong person actually isn’t.

why do shitty things happen to me? i have an abusive father, i have a mom who’s always sick, i have a brother who feels the same as me and i have an uncle who’s a complete drunkard. my parents would always fight every now and then which is so fucking tiring. i would always witness their fights for years and it has become so toxic to the point that it makes me bear the situation. i’m so helplessly tired, my friends at school can’t even take me seriously. my internet friends are fucking far away. i don’t have anyone to rely on because my dad would always use me as an emotional punching bag of his frustrations and regrets after he finishes with my mom. seriously, why would you fucking raise a child when all you can do is to press all your disappointments and failed dreams to us? why can’t you see that i am also as tired as yall. you can’t even respect me as your child. i fucking hate this life, i hate this household, i hate myself. this is just so pathetic. i’m a fucking loser. i hate everything. i’m tired, i want to just die instead.

I want to die. I’m not depressed, mentally destressed, stressed in general, etcetera I’m general an average person. But. I just don’t like existing. I’d rather not. It’s my opinion, like apples to oranges. I like apples more than oranges. I’d like to die more than I’d like to live. I don’t hate my life (other than the simple fact of being alive), I don’t hate myself, people don’t hate me, for the most part, I mean you can’t be friends with anyone, y’know. I’ve been depressed, but when I’m depressed I’m not suicidal. I mostly just want attention and comfort, someone to talk to about my feelings. Not suicidal thoughts, just simply I’m feeling x because of y and I want to talk about it. When I’m happy, or stable I suppose, which is most of the time, I rational think about how I want to commit suicide. I enthusiastically tell peers about my plans. I know that sounds bizarre. I say it with a smile on my face, a genuine smile, I actually don’t feel bad, I feel content in the room with the other person discussing costs and methods. Not like I do this in my free time, but whenever the topic comes up, I bring out my handy-dandy notebook of suicidal ideation. Loads of papers, I’m obsessed. Not like that. Like you’d be obsessed about something coming up like a holiday, someone coming over, event, studying your favorite subject…mines death.

Let me attempt to explain my reasoning in more depth: I don’t, like, the idea of, existing on a universal plane. Scratch that, anywhere. In anything, as anyone. It’s so incredibly boring, stupid, and pointless. Pointless meaning without meaning or logical reason. Not in a “depressed like manner.” Just as it is pointless to check under the sun to see if there’s anything new up there, it is pointless to exist.

Question time – why live? Why live other than what you’ve been taught, or indoctrinate into? Give me one, one thing to live for.

Apart from anything you have ever known in your entire lifetime, generations.

There is no answer, just contemplation and realization. Nothing. Literally nothing. We we’re born humans and taught to be people. People who live in a society. In the world, a spinning rock. Imagine that.

I bet, if we we’re another species, from another reality, gazing at multiple other realities, we’d defiantly be the Sims.

Fun to play for awhile, but we eventually get so,
pointless. Dull. Meaningless. Boring. Bleh. I don’t wanna play Sim’s anymore, let’s play something else.

No spicing up my life will do nothing
No seeing someone will do nothing.
No taking pills will do nothing.
No seeing new people, making friends, going out distracting myself from the realities of life , as we all do, will do nothing.
No moving will do nothing.
No, anything else, no
No
The only thing that could’ve saved me was condoms, birth-control, or abortion. Whoops. Missed opportunity.
If you’re thinking ‘well, how does this person expect us to help??’
Don’t lol, answer the main question and you’ll be fine.
What do you think?

So, it took me around 6 or 7 years for me to realize that all I want in life is to be taken into account. To be someone that people think about. To not just be a complete no one blended in the crowd. But I wouldn’t call myself an attention seeker, all I’ve ever wanted was a purpose, a place in this world.

I’m pretty sure this all started back when I was in junior high school. I was your typical shy and not talkative (outcast) kid. I never was a person of many friends (and I’m not to this day), but I longed to. Maybe not to the point of wanting to be popular, but really all I wanted was to be liked. So I would do pretty much anything other people asked me to just so they would like me. And to nobody’s surprise, all that happened was that I was constantly used. So I developed a feeling of resentment towards others and pretty much ghosted everyone around me (except for a few people).

Fast forward to today and I’m nowhere near to fulfilling that desire of mine. If anything, I think I’m worse than before since back then I could help others because at least I was good in school, the only thing I was ever good at, but right now I don’t even have that. So here I am, feeling lonely, with no real purpose in life, no talents to speak of, only existing in others’ lives, but not to the point where I’m taken into account by others.

And to be fair, what’s the point anymore? There’s no reason for me to try anything new, since I know that whatever thing I try to do, whatever new activity I engage myself in won’t be for anything other than to seek attention and approval from others, like a desperate attempt to say “I’m here, I exist, please love me”.

In the end, I’ll just be forgotten, people will move on with or without me. Right now I’m pretty sure that the only way I’ll be remembered is through my death. That’s the only stain or legacy I can afford to leave, since right now I neither have anything else to offer to others around me nor do I have the motivation to try to make changes in my life.