Some stuff to know first
I am a teen 13-17
I’m trans-masc, went through puberty at 9 and realized at 12 so I’m stuck in a stupid female body
Parents that don’t actually parent
I think that’s sit
(Writing this a while after- this gets progressively more and more depressing as it goes on. So, I apologize for that- also mentions topics of cancer and transphobia, body dysphoria. All of that jazz.
So just last weekend (Today is Tuesday the 7th of December) my mother, who I thought was all supporting of me called me down by the name I go by. Joey. I went down to her as fast as I could- knowing if i didn’t she was just gonna blow up at me. And when I went downstairs, she just called me my dead name. She said it like it was nothing. I tried to stand upto her telling her she needs to respect my name- but she called me a “disrespectful *****” for changing my birthname. I’m a kid with really high anxiety so I just ran into my room crying and didn’t talk for the whole day. This really fucking hurt cause I seriously thought she accepted me. She always uses Joey, she always uses he/him. But just that day she just wanted to call me it. I feel like its all a lie. I was never seen as a guy to her and I never will be. I never will be to anyone. To everyone im just a girl. Ill never be a real boy no matter how much I wish for it. Im a girl and always will be even if I say my name is Joey or say im a guy- im a girl to them. and im so uncomfortable with that. Sometimes I consider cutting my chest off cause its too big and my binder doesnt hide it. I started drinking alcohol seeing online that it could give brest cancer. Does anyone know if that is true? i also started eating less but i only lost 10 pounds and its nowhere near my goal of 100 cause im 240 pounds at 5’6 idk where im going with this im just gonna end here
Coping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NoteRantsStories of Hope
read this if you’re struggling.
I was procrastinating on my homework when I came across this website. I’m writing this all off the top of my head so just stand by. So I read so many peoples stories on here and noticed one thing, everyone on here is going through the SAME THING. I myself often have bad mental health and breakdowns, but you know what? nobody is perfect. AND DON’T SKIP, I know everyone uses this as a pity sentence but just spend a minute of your life reading this because you need to open your eyes. Think to yourself, do you think there is a single person on this earth who has NEVER been sad? or insecure? do you think everyone else is happy except for yourself? I completely understand what you’re going through but you need to understand that we’re put on this earth for a reason, idc if its god or the big bang but it’s amazing how there’s so much stuff out there in the big universe and we EXIST in it – why would you blow that all off just because a few people in your small town insult your looks? When I’m feeling down, my mindset is not “poor me” or “I’m never going to be happy” (although it used to), instead you should think “I control myself, I can do literally anything i want”. WHO controls you other than yourself? Well other than certain parents/gaurdians and the law, you can do anything you imagine… if you want to be a singer, start practicing. If you want to be a scientist, get on with it. If things were easy, life would be hella boring. When you look at other people, do you think “omg they’re super ugly, they shouldn’t exist on this earth, they’re worthless, they will never be happy, they should k*ll themselves, etc.”??? If anyone ever actually thinks that…that would be a mental problem of their own. But literally y’all need to quit being self-centered because your life is in your own hands. yes, some people may seem to have it easier BUT many people also tend to be better at hiding their personal problems. Another thing to keep in mind is that good ALWAYS comes after bad, everybody has ups and downs, some will have it worse, but everybody is different. You shouldn’t let yourself get down so easily, you shouldn’t end it all because of a person who appears prettier because you literally do not know what they are going through. Prettiness isn’t everything, and there are almost 8 billion people on this earth, you will find your crowd + people who accept you.
+ when I’m at school I’m usually on the more quiet side bc I genuinely cannot bring myself to speak up, but instead I hear in on everyone elses conversations and actually half the time they’re complaining about… “ugh my period cramps are the worst like the teachers don’t understand what I’m going through” … or “I am not having it today ugh I hate school and I’m probably the only one struggling here” or “you’re lucky you have good grades, it’s hard being me.” okay yes school sucks but if nobody went we’d all be crackheads & we all need some typa smarts to get a job. I’m sorry I literally hate school too but we’re not going here to complain, and it’s a bit selfish to project your problems onto others being ignorant of how you might affect them. It seems like a majority of people like to one-up others with their problems to get attention/validation (not EVERYONE, but that’s what it seems like from my perspective). But what my point is… is that everybody has SOME type of struggle not just you!!!
I’m almost done just wait – here’s some things I do when I’m not feeling great:
+I spend hours on pinterest making boards of pictures that motivate me or comfort me + I also save pins of certain guys? don’t ask. But just completely random pics like these bring me serotonin + hope + motivation b/c I’m shaping out how I want MY lifestyle/aesthetic to be!
— notion is a planning app and it’s an aesthetically pleasing way to get work done
— cute things
— coffee bc I’m obsessed
— art inspo, even tjough i can’t draw for the life of me
— TXT w/ their plushies just automatically making me happy
+I may be dragging this on way too long but some other things that make ME happy: coffee, kpop, dancing, drawing, video editing, thinking about when winter comes around and I can be lazy in my warm blanket drinking hot coco or coffee and watching movies, and lastly blasting music in my room. Even if I’m terrible at half the things I listed, it’s something I enjoy doing so that’s all that matters. Nowwww it’s your turn to find things that make brighten your mood! unless ofc you prefer to sit there and complain about everything forever (not an option babes). the trick is to romanticize your life and think about how you wish to be until you make it to your goal. I’m not making random pinterest boards for nothing…
+By tomorrow It’s very likely that I’ll be bawling my eyes out & letting my insecurities take control but just think about the big picture and how you’ll be a year from now, or even twenty years from now – you will be proud of yourself by then.
+And social media is fun and all but I have come to the realization that it’s really just a place to express yourself, and some others are just there to get all droopy and sad over the “confident” people. Now why would everyone get on the app and just post about their terrible problems and vent and cry? Exactly, not everyone does that… so how would you know that you have it the worst? I like going on tiktok b/c I found online friends who like the same things i do (kpop fanpage ofc) & it’s entertaining. I skip all the videos of people doing some kind of thirst trap to show how pretty they are (no offense at all! I’m not saying they are the responsibility for other’s insecurities, but many people do have a hard time with that)
I just typed out this full essay instead of finishing my actual English homework so y’all should especially listen to what I am saying and make the best out of what you have. Best wishes, Z.
I overheard my mom talking about my mental state (because it had gotten so bad at this point, that I have to come back home for a while) and at that moment I felt like such a burden. She clearly said that I was too much for her right now with her new job and her mom also being in an old peoples house. My dad never even called me when I was in the hospital for 5 days. I don’t understand why they brought me into this world if I’m just gonna be a burden to them their whole life. I didn’t want to be here in the first place so why am I staying here for them if they don’t even bother with me and I probably bring them more weight than happiness. And once again, it just sucks to be here for other people because I don’t want to be here for myself. They probably fucked me up so bad and that’s why I struggle now at finding peace with myself and with being alive. Am I ever gonna be able to heal from an absent father and a mother in constant denial about my depression? How am I supposed to heal if the only figures in my life don’t even want me. I’m just tired.
its funny, this was my fourth attempt, usually i plan out everything in advance, but this was so spontanious, i just felt an urge. i failed, sadly and my boyfriend was spam calling me, i picked up and i heard him sobbing, asking me why, telling me hes sorry and my heart broke. his voice and how he sobbed has been replaying in my mind past few days and i just feel awful about it now. i just feel selfish for causing all of this pain to him. im tired.
The first time I attempted suicide, I was only 4 years old. I grew up with abuse and that (along with genetics) led to a long list of crippling mental illnesses, including two personality disorders. After a decade of trying treatment after treatment, I’ve only been able to find help for my OCD. Suicidal ideation has been a constant throughout my near 24 years. I’ve attempted more times than I’ve managed to keep track of, and have been involuntarily committed over and over again.
All that is bad enough, but early 2020, I got sick. It’s been progressive, and after seeing all sorts of specialists and enduring countless tests, I still have no answers. I’ve lost 40lbs that I could not afford to lose and the doctors are telling me that if I don’t get things under control, I will die. I have been misdiagnosed with anorexia nervosa, and cannot get enough medication to keep enough food down to keep myself from losing weight, let alone gain any.
I’ve lost the place I thought of as home, my animals, and the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I am isolated and rarely leave the house. I’m too sick to work, it’s not safe for me to drive, and I’m living with my parents again. None of my friends care to see me anymore, even on the occasion that I feel up to doing anything. I feel so alone.
Every day is constant suffering, stress, and loneliness. I am so burnt out. I know things could be worse- things could always be worse- but I’m going to die anyway, why should I have to die a slow and painful death?
I’m very seriously considering euthanizing myself. I have ordered what I need to die a quick and painless death.
I don’t want to die; there’s so much I wanted out of life. And I hate to know my loved ones will suffer because of it, but I know it’ll will hurt them just as much to watch me slowly fade away. I have no hope that I will recover, so I believe this is for the best.
I don’t remember the last time I’ve wanted to die this badly. I’ve been working my ass off, doing all the things I’m supposed to be doing: regular therapy appointments, taking my meds somewhat consistently, spending time with friends and family, going outside, started working out and prioritizing eating better, purging and organizing my home so I’m not living in chaos. I haven’t been this active in over 8 years since my mental health first plummeted. And yet my mind is telling me over and over, “Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.” Why isn’t anything I’m doing enough?
I don’t want to live, but I can’t die. I don’t want to live but I have to. How long can someone live in this state until you decide it’s the end? Do people who kill themselves do it impulsively? Can it be planned? I don’t want to plan my death, but sometimes I get intrusive thoughts (come on, jump under that bus! Or why not take all the pills you can find!), and I’m wondering if one day I’ll act on it impulsively, or if deep down, I have been planning my death since the day I was born.
I’m so angry.
I’m SO ANGRY ALL THE TIME.
I feel like the whole world is against me, but you know what?
At this point, I’ve had the biggest epiphany. I don’t care anymore.
Imagine that.
Do, whatever the fuck you want.
Be a slut, dress how you want. Be an asshole, be kind, go out at night. get drunk, fall in love, make huge mistakes, lose and gain friends, burn bridges.
I don’t care what your parents say.
Do it.
Fucking do it, cause you know what, you only live once and no one is going to hear about us in those bullshit history books that wither away in public library’s.
We all end up dead anyway, so fuck it, right?
Sometimes, I feel like you only reason I’m here still is because I care too fucking much about other people, especially my mom. That fucking sucks, I don’t want no one to care about me, so I could just leave this world without hurting anyone. I hate caring more about others than myself, Because then I have to stay here for them. I’m tired, i’m exhausted, Hurting myself doesn’t even do it anymore. The only thing getting me through it is the idea that an addiction to benzos is always better than death. If I’m going to stay on this world, might as well try to make it somewhat bearable.
Today I woke up with a stomach ache. Want to know why.? Because the past few days have been a walking nightmare. My government decided on some Covid measures, on which I can’t take the public transportation anymore, even though I rely on it.
I live in a capital city. No, I am not vaccinated, ’cause I don’t trust it yet. In 3 years.? Maybe. (Please, if you have a toxic opinion about that, don’t drag me down even more) I just want that person, who clearly didn’t think about ill or old people who have risks taking it, to suffer. It’s without logic. A few just stayed at home at this point, not going back to their jobs.
Look, I’m suicidal I don’t care if I die, even painfully at this point. Just let me use the freaking train to get to my therapies I so desperately need.! I can not see the world ever getting over this madness. It’s taking a huge toll on my mental health, everyone being so tip-toeing around everyone and everything.
When I’m in pain, I have to wait a month until up to three, until I can see a doctor, because everything is so full. I’m having surgery in January (nothin major) and I had to wait so long for that, seeing my quality of life getting worse.
Then there’s also that I will see my sister in December, whom I haven’t seen in years. But looking at all of this, EVEN IF she makes it here, I can’t even participate in outside activities with them.
I’ve shared my concerns and even that I can’t live this life like this anymore to a friend. She’s someone in a game, but still she always had my back. My rant had been too much for her apparently. After a few days of her ignoring what I’ve said, but talking in public chat, I said: Sorry, I won’t bother you anymore. And nothing came with that either.
Look, I just don’t think that’s what a decent human being does. We all should be there for each other. This has taken my last drop of energy and frankly I am so done, I don’t even know how to start my day. I have what you could call extreme PTSD for when people treat me, like I don’t exist, especially when I reached out for them to help me.
I… I’ve lost a good friend, because the government messed up my few appointments I was still going to. I will never forgive them or my friend. My heart is physically hurting, I had something similar that happened in this exact same game a few years back. It brought back that terrible memory of unkindness. Why is this happening again… I just wanted a trusting soul to listen to my troubles.
I’ve tried to end my life today, it didn’t work. I’m a good eater and had a relatively constant weight for almost a decade now. But I’ve lost 4kg… On what even…?
I said to a friend, that I needed for something to happen today. People don’t listen to the words you’re saying as a depressed/mentally ill/suicidal person. Why, just why does that person get to live a happy and careless life and I’m still contemplating, what I may shouldn’t have said. Why do I need to censor my deep thoughts.? Why do I feel shame, even when I’m not to blame for what happened.? My senses are numbed, but my heart keeps on being heavy like a gold bar. Which is funny, ’cause it’s definitely not made of that.
This was something that I thought of when I was at some of my lowest points in life. The idea that if I had a ship capable of interstellar travel, where it could jump to other star systems in a matter of seconds, I wouldn’t have hesitated to use it to leave this world and leave behind a parting message to the world as to why I left.
“Hello, most of you don’t know, I mean why would you, I’m just one mass amongst 7 billion other biological masses of similar nature. But it doesn’t matter whether you know me or not because I’m leaving this world behind, forever. Some may think that this is a hoax, some may think I’m just doing this for attention, others may think of some other crazy ideas and that’s fine, I don’t care anymore because I’m done with this world. Why? This world has given me seemingly nothing but suffering and despair, it is cruel, unforgiving, and dark. Its main inhabitants are cruel, filled with hatred and ignorance. Those at the top prey on those that have nothing and those that can’t fight to oppose them. We kill each other simply because some believe it’s wrong to love a person that is different from what they say is the right person to love. We continue to poison and destroy our world, despite constant warnings from those who actually know what they’re talking about and are constantly ignored. We use religion as an excuse to commit atrocities and abuse and control others. We profile people based on the color of their skin and refer to them as different races when they aren’t and kill them because they seem “dangerous”. We invoke modern-day equivalents of slavery and exploit others all in the name of short-term political, social, economic, or financial gain, and for what? The majority of us can’t even look at the bigger picture and things that actually matter in the long run. We can’t as a whole species acknowledge that we are filled with so many problems of our making. We let the rich and powerful run practically without oversight or regulation. The way I see it, this world doesn’t deserve someone like me. Someone who can actually leave this world and travel to other stars and learn about the cosmos myself. It doesn’t deserve to learn from me when it can’t even acknowledge its own mistakes and learn from them. This tiny speck of rock and water is a prison and I shall no longer be a part of it and I will be significant on a cosmic scale as I will walk amongst the celestials in the night sky. Some of you will think this is a hoax or a conspiracy theory and that’s fine, I don’t care anymore, because what happens in this world as a whole doesn’t concern me anymore. To those that actually know me, I’m sorry, I really am, but this world has given me pain and suffering for most of my life and I can’t be a part of it anymore. Goodbye and enjoy life, for whatever it’s worth.”
This was one of my lowest points and it pretty much lead to me having suicidal thoughts later on. Looking back on it, it’s a miracle that I’m still alive and I don’t usually believe in things like miracles. Sometimes I still have these thoughts and they can be pretty strong and overwhelming. And to think that I wrote this on entry on my birthday on the 6th of this month just screams how much pain I’m in all the time to me.
“Hello, most of you don’t know, I mean why would you, I’m just one mass amongst 7 billion other biological masses of similar nature. But it doesn’t matter whether you know me or not because I’m leaving this world behind, forever. Some may think that this is a hoax, some may think I’m just doing this for attention, others may think of some other crazy ideas and that’s fine, I don’t care anymore because I’m done with this world. Why? This world has given me seemingly nothing but suffering and despair, it is cruel, unforgiving, and dark. Its main inhabitants are cruel, filled with hatred and ignorance. Those at the top prey on those that have nothing and those that can’t fight to oppose them. We kill each other simply because some believe it’s wrong to love a person that is different from what they say is the right person to love. We continue to poison and destroy our world, despite constant warnings from those who actually know what they’re talking about and are constantly ignored. We use religion as an excuse to commit atrocities and abuse and control others. We profile people based on the color of their skin and refer to them as different races when they aren’t and kill them because they seem “dangerous”. We invoke modern-day equivalents of slavery and exploit others all in the name of short-term political, social, economic, or financial gain, and for what? The majority of us can’t even look at the bigger picture and things that actually matter in the long run. We can’t as a whole species acknowledge that we are filled with so many problems of our making. We let the rich and powerful run practically without oversight or regulation. The way I see it, this world doesn’t deserve someone like me. Someone who can actually leave this world and travel to other stars and learn about the cosmos myself. It doesn’t deserve to learn from me when it can’t even acknowledge its own mistakes and learn from them. This tiny speck of rock and water is a prison and I shall no longer be a part of it and I will be significant on a cosmic scale as I will walk amongst the celestials in the night sky. Some of you will think this is a hoax or a conspiracy theory and that’s fine, I don’t care anymore, because what happens in this world as a whole doesn’t concern me anymore. To those that actually know me, I’m sorry, I really am, but this world has given me pain and suffering for most of my life and I can’t be a part of it anymore. Goodbye and enjoy life, for whatever it’s worth.”
This was one of my lowest points and it pretty much lead to me having suicidal thoughts later on. Looking back on it, it’s a miracle that I’m still alive and I don’t usually believe in things like miracles. Sometimes I still have these thoughts and they can be pretty strong and overwhelming. And to think that I wrote this on entry on my birthday on the 6th of this month just screams how much pain I’m in all the time to me.
Was going through my email and found an old email from this website. Holy hell it’s been years. Things got better and things got worse. The sad thing is the feeling of wanting to kill myself never left. But I have decided to live for those around me. Those who enjoy seeing me and my time. But i know when I get home I always make my peace with leaving them. I always know they’ll be okay when I’m gone. I’m not that important to anyone. I stopped being important long ago. I used to be sad my ex girlfriend left me and cheated on me. But now I hope she does good in life. I used to always search for a reason to live. But now I just patiently wait for death. After all that’s the only guarantee in life. That one day we will all die.
I tried finding god. But always failed. Instead now I look at religion as rules to being a good person. And that’s all I strive to be. I’ll put myself through so much pain just so others can feel a moment of bliss. I grew up in an Islamic household. Never liked it. Didn’t feel like it was for me. But it makes my mom happy to see me pray so I pray. She doesn’t have much time left. Her cancer has been getting worse. So I pray for her. I made my peace with leaving her years ago. But I never made my peace with her leaving. But i know I do not want her to experience losing a child. She is a good woman and a mother.
I’ve met new girls since my ex that destroyed me. One girl lasted 3 years. A beautiful relationship that came to an end because I’m just a shitty person. It’s not my fault I get sad and shut down or try to get attention from others. Who am I kidding it’s my fault. I should know how to control these things.
Now a days I just hope for the best for everyone else. I hope everyone can make it through what ever they’re dealing with. I hope people can find the light in this dark cruel world. I hope the pain anyone feels just disappears. I would take all the pain away from everyone if I could.
Im 30, never known my father other than he abused my mom till the day she gave birth to me. I found out hes been in prison since he was 21. Hes 50-something or other…point being i thought i didnt care. How could i? Someone so cruel to physically hurt the mother of their child even after giving birth to said child-thats not man. So why should i care? Recently outta the blue my mom shows me a picture of him for the first time in all my life and now- i dont know how to feel. Its weird, a numb kinda feeling. Like im going on autopilot. Why is it bothering me so much, why did i trouble myself to research him and find out where hes imprisoned? Why do i feel the need to see him even though i know nothing good would come oit of it? I kinda know why deep down but also why? Its been the icing on the cake of the string of dread inducing thoughts of situations. And i just dont need that on top of worrying about being homeless..again. its just really weird. I just needed to spill this out into the void.
Thanks for your time
It’s getting bad again. Not like before but worse. At least before it went away for a day or two before returning. Now it’s the only constant. Neverending and just getting worse. I think I want it to stop but I’m not sure. It the only thing I have right now. It it leaves, what will happen? Will I get better or will that be it for me.
I just want relief from this shit.
Nothing helps it anymore. Cutting used to but it’s pointless to me now. Pills make everything worse. Suicide seems to be my only way out but I don’t wanna die.
I don’t think so at least.
I just wanna be good again. I don’t think I will be though. Not like before. I’m always going to have the bad days but I wish they weren’t every damn day. Maybe if mom were here she could help. You killed her though. It’s selfish for you to want her back when you’re the reason she got sick
It has to have been you. You fuck everything else up so why wouldn’t you fuck up this. She gone because of you. It’s all your fault. It’s always been you.
I would go through with suicide but it would destroy my dad. It’d be selfish if I did that to him.
I hate the way you smiled at me from across the hallway as you went to third period, and the beautifully stupid ring of your laugh as it cut through the air.
I hate the speechless face you made at 2 in the morning while we sat on your rooftop in the 28 degree weather, numbing our hands and toes.
I hate that when we’re with other friends, the only one I think about is you.
I hate the tingles that went down my spine as your hands touched my waist, pushing me higher and higher on the swing set at the park in the middle of the night.
I hate you for trying to scare me as I walked up the staircase to class by squeezing my hips from behind, sending warmth from your cool fingertips through my body and up to my cheeks, tinting them red as you ran off laughing in the hallway.
I hate that you gave me your sweater to wear when I got drenched as we ran through the pouring rain together to your car. I hate myself for falling asleep while the storm pattered outside in the empty school parking lot.
I hate you for making me feel safe.
Jesus Christ, I hate you.
Which is really my way of saying: I’m in love with you.
it sure has been a week. honestly it feels like years have gone by between monday and today, days feel kinda blurred? who knows. my head feels like a cat’s litter box.
food is still kinda difficult; i found my body feels hungry but i have no appetite and honestly not enough energy to actually eat, so there’s that.
at some point this week i found myself crying because for a few days i’d been craving a milkshake, or something like that? but just thinking about having to go downstairs, prepare it, wash the dishes and then drinking it was too much effort, so i gave up on it. even still, i just cried. it took me a bit to figure out why, since a milkshake is a stupid thing to cry about at my age lol. in the end, i figured it was more about the fact that i’m just lonely. somewhat wished someone was there to at least offer to make one for me if i didn’t feel up to it i guess.
i’ve been reading a lot lately. nothing complicated, just enough to distract my mind for hours and hours. while i read, it feels like i don’t actually exist, like i haven’t been laying in bed for days on end, like i have people around. escapism, probably. cannot be bothered to look it up.
just remembered, yes, food’s been an issue. today though i realized my mom’s… not worried about it, it just seems like she’s annoyed. i don’t really get it. either way, kinda forced me to eat today, now everything feels uncomfortable. i don’t know how to explain it, but i keep feeling like i have to move around to be comfortable, yet i’m too lethargic. it feels like i need to throw up. it’s annoying.
tomorrow, another week starts. in preparation, i started to think, what is it that i want to do? what will actually help me to live a more rewarding life? nothing really came to mind. it’s not that i want to die, not really. it’s more like wanting to disappear, if there’s a difference.
when i was younger, i always thought about wanting to get very sick, i wanted to be terminally ill, for some reason. kinda morbid, but i’m letting thoughts roll out right now. then i thought, either i get seriously ill or i’m kidnapped, either one is fine. not sure what the hell was my thought process there, sincerely. probably just thought that, if either of those things happened, people would have no other choice but to pay attention to me. to look at me, and to be with me. i’d daydream about it, i could picture it so vividly, and dreamt about it pretty often. once, my mom dreamt i was very sick, and when she told me in the morning, while hugging me and near tears, i can’t say what i felt. honestly, to this day i don’t know. but i’m sure it wasn’t the right thing to think as a first instinct.
at first, this post was gonna be an update for myself; to keep track of what’s been going on while i spiral into nothingness. i don’t even know what i’m talking about anymore. not even sure if i’m actually typing this for myself or for others to read, at this point.
i talk to myself a lot. apparently more than a lot of people. i could say that i do it at least once a day, but when i stopped to think about it, i’m just constantly having a conversation with myself inside my brain. whenever i’m somewhere i know nobody can hear me, i talk out loud. it’s kinda nice, i think. giving thoughts a less abstract form.
at some point this week, lord knows when, i realized i’m being left behind. or at least, i seem to think i am. factually, i know i’m young. i know life is pretty long, and that it’s not very realistic to expect having my life figured out at this point. still, i’m irrational. my friends (or people i know; at this point, it doesn’t feel like friendship in my mind) have friends, relationships, life partners, and dreams of sorts. they have a future in mind, even if it’s not very thought out. i… don’t really have any of those? at least not defined, at all. friends don’t feel like it, i can’t find in myself any motivation to engage in conversations with them. it’s more that i just can’t seem to keep up with them. they’re all very… hopeful, i guess. feels like a different world from mine. it’s like i stole my body from someone; i look in the mirror and think that i don’t know what i’m supposed to look like, but that’s not it. i feel small. much too small for the age i’m supposed to be.
i find that letting all the thoughts swarming around your brain is very draining. at this point, i’ve typed over 800 words, and yet, i’m still keeping a lot to myself. everything feels quite uncomfortable right now. really, i should be cleaning my cat’s litter box right now.
I’m trying to fix myself, I got a job and I’ve been eating healthy and saving my money, facing my demons and overcoming obstacles. But life, like always, just keeps beating me down and pouring shit on me. Some of the stupid fucking things that go wrong for me, the ridiculous problems I have, sometimes I just wanna look up at the sky and say ‘really? are you actually fucking serious?’ I swear I’m cursed, I must be, or I’m just really unlucky.
Today I just broke down a little bit. I ate a shit ton of food lol, my stomach is still bloated hours later. I guess I’m a comfort eater. I’m just so tired. Not just physically – although I am very sleep deprived – but mentally. I just feel so drained. I can’t be bothered anymore. I don’t know who to turn to or what to do. I’m just silently drowning. I’m crying and I’m scared and I’m angry at myself for being such a pathetic coward. Tomorrow will be worst. It always is. God I hope I just fucking die.
I read this essay called “On Stress” by Gwern, which basically talked about how little it takes to actually survive and be okay. I’m not sure how accurate he is. But I think we overestimate how much we “need”. Right now, I feel really stressed with school, and I keep thinking, is this really necessary? I don’t want to be stressed, and I don’t need to be stressed. I’m not sure, because I still “feel” like I should continue to stay in school. I guess, it’s more like realizing, I have the choice of whether I want to stress out about school or not. And maybe, I’m trying too hard, or trying for the wrong reasons.
I’ve been feeling like I don’t really care much about death. I read this manga called “Ping Pong”, and I really related with this one character, Smile, and something he said:
“Ping pong… and also learning English… I do all this to kill time until the end of my life”
I think, if I died, even if I didn’t care, my friends and family would care, even acquaintances would care. And besides, personally death scares me. I don’t know how much we can control it, but it’s our minds that assign emotion to everything. I don’t want to do homework, but it doesn’t involve physical pain, just like mental effort. Is there any real distinction between doing nothing and doing something? I’m the one assigning anxiety and stress to my work. If it doesn’t matter, why not just do it? Maybe it won’t be painful to work. Maybe it will be painful, but in a cathartic way, in a way that makes me feel like I’m truly living, like when the weather is cold. Maybe it will just suck to do, it will be tedious and nothing of value will be gained, and it will not be worth the potential future gains of staying in school / keeping good grades. But I will find out.
Anyway, hope that made some sense. Today, I’m grateful for finding this website and the existence of emo music, and video games, and dreaming, and the few friends I do have. I hope you can find something – anything, of any size – you can be grateful of. And if you can’t, reality won’t have changed because you couldn’t think of anything.
- Im getting old woohoo!
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- my philosophy about how much suffering we should endure is probably comparable to that of clive barkers cenobites ideas around it.
- ive honestly seeked out death for myself
- ive honestly seeked out a life for myself.
- Im at my end. If i can’t die. i cant live. .
- im 29years old so you listen hear youngens and old bastards alike: Keep kicking or dont. Expend every ounce of free will. Preserve it. or dont.
- im not sick. I never was.
- They can take me away but after years of frustratingly ordering my opinions about this matter.. And learning to enter/escape bigger hell holes: Lol no one can convince me im crazy anymore.
- i volunteered as bat shit.
- How bad is my case? I cant say fully.
- this hell has my name allll over it. Everything makes too much sence.
- I know you lurkers are there.
- i dont need anyone’s understanding or empathy. Like it or lump it I dont need your validation. Ide prefer it now if you all form an opinion about me.I wont try to change it. Bite me..
- I made my own hell. im the one cycling in it.
- it’s been hard on me.
- Iv made a Ruckus.
- maybe i shouldnt be posting here.
- i dont care if my demons become contagious and spread depression as a mass hysteria.
- i dont care if the evil i bring into tomorow causes 1 million suicides.
- i dont care if the good i bring saves a million.
- Im preserved human excrement.
- this regressing story sucks ass.
- im bored of reading the same shit over and over.
- cant i even be original.
im here because i just wanted to say to you all.. That no matter the discomfort of this regressing dream and nightmare.. Il never need you. And youl never need me. My love is all yours
just like the hate is.
when your busy becoming every monster in human fiction, dying would seem like a way out. Well the things of my dreams have come into the flesh and when I die, i know im in trouble no less. It haunts me here it haunts me there. death will not save me . And life doesnt care.: i fucking dyes for this. Iv spent years without sleep because i became some nightmare on elmsteet like fucking cliche.
i hated hearing that death was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. In my experience. Death is a temporary solution to an eternal problem. And it doesnt work. Im not prolife. Im not prodeath. Bite your tails you fucks.
Ps today im “gods” gift to the world. You are all welcome. . Im now 7 years off the drs meds. I drink water and eat food. Im done playing games. Fuck this place. If you think i sound nuts, good ;fuck you too. Im punishing myself for being so self deceitful. . Remember a time when you had to grow balls to potentially fuck your life up like smoking pot/doing drugs/skipping classes or work.. I have no skeletons. My past lives in the now. I think ill just adopt an manipulate the storys that surround me. Maybe you are becoming our new jesus help me. Maybe theirs nothing more stimulating and pain inducing than contesting existence. Maybe. maybe,Im a little blessing for you. Take it or leave it. I was wrong to think that money or social status ruled over anything. Im a predator. Ill just fucking eat you to feed the dopamine center.
You dont need me. And i dont need you.Though.. I love to share this life and death with you. Watching you squirm is delightful. Reminds me of my younger days hanging from a bunkbed and sniffing pencil leds to end mylife when i was just 6 or 7. Please dont go anywhere on me. Im going to live to be 600yrs old. Im a disease. Im cancer im depression. Im hate. I refuse to die. I refuse to live . Im just here perpetuating this motion because its all i know. Knowing my luck.. The only escape from death or life might be my own personally build electric chair. I have family that was turned into a vegetable using electroshock therapy. The doctors a few years ago offered it to me. I refused. Their not legally supposed to anymore here unless you’ve been on it a life time already.. Well surprise! Now youl have to fucking catch me. good luck with that. Im in hell. Theres no one here but me. And im so generic… Im nobody im not the dreamer im the fool. this program thats set up sucks. Life is a santa not meant for you that you still have to keep secret for all the other little angles. Fuck you all i hope i burn in a fire. watch me fry. Dont bother to piss on me. I cant feel anything anyway.
on a side note. Take care of yourselves. Place the goal beyond the material. Put love at the bottom line. Dont expectit to return. Give it away. Its corruption placing any event beyond causations influence. and thats why ill love you until time throws its self off a cliff and dies.
life can stop being shit and asking for so many favors. Lol im not obligated to keep lifes secrets nor obligated to care if your upset /got some of it wrong. ill take ten milliondollars or a bullet in the head for me to shut up. Lol yeild to my demands you bastards. Suicide can suck my dick. Life can too. causation blows. Its all got to go. destroy the world. Destroy the fabric of space. destroy value over matter. Destroy all humans: With love.
I hate religion.
JUST LIKE I HATE ADSPACE.
its a necessary evil required in order to provide a service (lol)
I’m going to spoil life.
One of us.
gooble gobble.
im happier than youl know.
The prime enemy is my friend
so is the hero.
fuck me.
Im all out of enemies.
its the end of my personalized theraputic blabbering you washed up cunts.
hello MODERATORS.
dont del – EAT ME!!!!!!
do byte me.
JUST HAVE A NICE DAY. WITH ALL THE LOVE .
AND THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR SHARING YOUR STORYS OVER THE YEARS. THEY LITTERALLY MADE NO DIFFERENCE TO ME EVEN THOUGH THEY APPEARED TO BE THE ANSWER. I LIVED IT UP LIKE I WAS THE ONLY. WHAT A RUSH. I REALLY WAS AFFRAID ID DIE THERE FOR A BIT. DIEINGS GETTING EASIER. . I GOT MYOLDEST SELF BACK. IM HERE TO STAY. BE ME OR DONT BE ME.
-S.THOMAS. </3
I don’t want to disappoint them.
It’s to the point where I don’t even care about my own health and well being anymore.
Although….when will it be enough for you?
When will I be enough?
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