- 1. I was bullied all my school life (from elementary to high school ). In my last year I manage to make some friends through lies and deceit. When I am with them I have to act like a diferent person, I have to laught every time they make a joke, I have to listen to their problems and offer advice because that’s the kind of person they think I am and as soon as i start to show my true self they always get freaked out, so I can never share my hobbies or my troubles. It was nice in the beggining being part of a group but now is exausting. I don’t want to keep pretending anymore, and everytime I spend with them they only remind my of my shitty school life but I just laught because that’s what they expect from me, even though i’m crying inside I need to keep laughting. I just want them to forget about me but I also am scared of being alone aggain.
As you lie there falling to sleep
I can’t help but think
what’s left to loose
I’ve lost you
your friends said don’t talk to him
“maybe they are right”
what if they are right
what if me leaving is the best for you
for both of us
so I can get going
and you can get better
I don’t know why you are still here
I don’t know why I’m cared for
I don’t deserve you
you are happier without me
I caused you troubles
it’s just one step to one small step to take
by the train platform
just one small step
and I can’t hurt you anymore
just one more heart ache that you will get over
i don’t know where I’m going with this anymore
but I know tonight before I go
Might be the last night
for me to hold you tight
to try to make up for everything
to kiss you
make you smile and call me a fool
To hurt you
i went through lots of shit. im the unluckiest person alive. i lost my parents. i lost my best friend. im always being bullied, and was borned with an ugly face and being autist and bipolar doesnt help. and when i always searching in the net, they just saying it gets better, just hard work(yes and i didnt mentioned business fails, its pathetic) and other stuff. they act they know the other person. and what if im cant be happy? what? i know i should be dead. and i will do it, but i just needed it, for last time.
Something is seriously wrong with me.
I always knew that. Even as a kid, I knew I was fucked in the head. With no other way of explaining it, I deduced that I was actually a demon. I know that’s not the case now. I’m just broken. No, broken would imply that I was able to process the world properly at one point. I’m not broken. I’m dysfunctional. A misshapen gear unable to mesh with the other cogs in the works.
Most people are driven to work towards their goals, to make their mark in the world, to fight for what they believe is right. I don’t. Activism upsets me, change terrifies me, and my ideals are there one day and gone the next. Nothing I am is set in stone. I’m too easily swayed, too quickly convinced I’m in the wrong. At this point, what is right or wrong anymore? Who dictates it? God, society, psychology? Maybe, maybe, and maybe. My brain wraps around concepts and unravels at counterpoints, to the point where I legitimately don’t believe anything anymore. I’m eternally passive towards politics and things of the like. After all, my opinions are dust in the wind, flying out of sight the second they reach the open air.
It’s come to the point where I’m bitter towards those with set goal, set morals, set aspirations. But even more so, I’m bitter towards myself. I don’t feel as though I belong with anyone who I’m dictated to side with. Not with women, not with people of my race, not with Christians, not with the LGBT community. It’s all so rigid, and yet eternally moving at a breakneck pace. Like a freight train. If I stand in the way, I’ll be run over on the tracks.
I want to be dead. Because as of right now, death is my only constant aspiration. Why stay? I hate myself, and if I have to reside on this earth of constant noise any longer, I’ll soon grow to hate everyone else.
Hi, I’m sorry for this. I’m really sorry. This seems like the best way to get it out thought. I’ve realized it time and time again.
I’m going to die. Life has no meaning. There is no purpose of conscious existence. I rather wish we lived in a world were they could be no existentialism, but obviously not. There is, a simple way out however. So simple. And it would be worth it. It really would.
I have a plan. I’ve been thinking about it for the longest time. Please, please, in the comments, this is a heavy rant, and I know you’ll want to say to “be strong” and that “life is worth living,” everything people want to believe. They distract themselves, and the whole world with mundane things, in an attempt to make life more bearable. The world is full of distractions, beauty, attractions. It only appeals to us because that’s the only thing we’ve ever known. Not to me. It gets boring after awhile. The flowers dull, the world spins quietly. The trees are brittle, the air is cold and pungent. The sun blinds me. The winds belittles me. The moon taunts me from my bedside. No one knows I pretend to smile, and that’s okay. I wouldn’t want them to know. I want them to forget. I don’t want a public suicide. I don’t need people, caring. Knowing. What good does caring do. They’re all indifferent specs of empty meaning. What good is humanity. We only really try to better mankind, and by mankind, I mean all that man has ever known (animals, environment, plant-life, space etc). We only exist because we came from something far beyond our comprehension. But it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter, does it? Nothing does, it’s that simple. We’ve just fallen into an ever changing routine, ruled by those who influence us and those who govern us and those who control what we see. What we know. What we do. My mind is my enemy and my body is a broken temple. There is nothing left for me here. Nothing I want, nothing I cherish, nothing I care about, nothing I need. They like to guilt you into staying by prompting you to consider their feelings. And I do. You just won’t know then. You’ll move on and forget – simple as that. Then they’ll force you into places where the keep you under surveillance. And ask you to share your thoughts and feelings. Make sure you take care of yourself. They try to put you back together with all the wrong pieces. Pieces that are supposed to interest you, motivate you to keep in going. Keep on living and breathing. Keep on falling into distraction. Keep on fight the pain.
Keep on moving.
Keep on running.
Keep on crawling.
Keep on inching.
Until you get tired, and stop moving.
You’re mind which was once buzzing is now silent.
It’s all gone, one by one, the pieces fall.
You are left an empty corpse.
You refuse everything they give you. You don’t speak. Don’t move. Don’t open your eyes, nor eat. Your mind isn’t in use anymore.
Such a simple way to die : for you cannot force someone with no will to live, to live. And that is why I’m sure, I’ll die. I’ll loose my eyesight, my speech, my muscle strength. My hearing. I’ll throw up everything from the tubes, strangle myself with the chords, fall down off the bed, use anything sharp to impale any part of my body, I’ll stress myself out, work up a heart attack so that my body has no choice.
I’ll make enemies with everyone I see. So they don’t give me a second thought anytime later. I’ll become estranged. They don’t care when you anger them, do they. Aha, so it is the perfect plan then. I’ll even make up a death date so I have a deadline.
I won’t tell you, of course.
Thanks for reading though,
Hello. My name is Sergei Cherbanyatsev, and this is the “short” version of my story. If you want to know more about me on here, from my old (female) account, search the name “Mikhail Belakov” on here, click on the author’s username, “fallensovietgirl”, to see all of my posts circa 2014. Now, where were we? Ah, yes, my totally f**ked up life. So at the time of those posts, again found on fallensovietgirl, I was what Canadians and Americans would call a highschool freshman/sophomore. Anyways, I’m from Russia, and identify as a transgender male. Bozhe moi, Misha (Mikhail) would have been proud when I came out. (Wherever you are Misha, I will always be with you….) So, Grade 11, people here, in Canada, started really treating me like shit. Not going into detail here, but there’s a reason they fear for themselves when they hear the name Dmitri. Then, November 23rd, 2015 happened. Renata Kambolina, better known as Rina Palenkova, another friend of mine, also died by suicide, by beheading. For whatever reason, when she died, I was in my mind, trying to get to her, almost as if to say, “It’s gonna be okay, I’m here for you, I always will be.” I still remember one of the last messages she sent to me on Vkontakte, or VK, reading, mind you this is the best Russian-English transliteration I know, “vot i vsyo, proshchay” meaning roughly “that is all, goodbye” in English. Honestly, I wish I could have stopped, saved her. Rina, I forgive you, I love you, I just wish you were still here!
Im so depressed right now
And no one care about me
No one appreciate my existence
Should I just runaway from home for a few days?
So I can think whay i really want to do in my life
And my parents can think what they need to think about
Im stuck and I realy dont have a will to live anymore
Help me guys..
What should i do??
I will just runaway for some days and going back home again
I think with this plan all of us can think properly and not stuck here forever
I need a place to be alone and think
A note to anyone who has no experiance in feeling suicidal. It always shocks me when some people say they have never felt this way. For me, it is summed up as this:
Just because someone takes their life before you are prepared to lose them does not mean that they went before their time. Neither does it mean that they were in any way selfish. It simply means that they are not suffering anymore and the pain you are feeling now may never even scratch the surface of what they had to endure for probably longer than you will ever know. They are at peace now. It is not selfish to end one’s suffering. It is selfish to insist one keep suffering when you have never felt the magnitude of their pain.
Lucky are the few who have never been close, courageous are the many who have pulled through and continue to endure, at peace are the ones who are gone.
People look at us like a pitiful person
Sometimes they call us crazy
Then they laughing at us
Make a joke of our pain
When we cry
We cant tell anyone
Cause we are afraid of how their eyes change
The way they look at us will change
We make war with our mind
We want to give our soul away
And we stuck there
With a plain look
And feel bored
How we ended up here
And how we cant get out
Who to blame
Take me home
For us expecially myself with depression
My friend A_____ turned 50 last year. I organized a nice little birthday gathering for him, which was especially meaningful for everyone since he’s battling mantle cell lymphoma (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mantle_cell_lymphoma), and optimistically has another five years to live.
I’ve known A_____ for at least five years. I certainly considered him a friend before his cancer diagnosis several years ago, and as soon as I knew what he was facing, I promised myself that whatever support he needed, I would always be there for him.
We’ve always had a very easygoing, normal friendship. He has always treated me with nothing but kindness and respect. We’ve always had a great time playing backgammon together, laughing and ragging on each other in a good-natured way. He trusted me enough to go down to Tennessee with me for the big solar eclipse back in 2017, even when he know we’d be sharing the same motel bed (I had made the reservation a year earlier), which I’m sure was no small thing for him.
And YES, he is a perfectly normal, well-adjusted, relentlessly heterosexual guy. He is as Straight as a two-by-four, as we say. So imagine how horrified I was when I realized I had fallen in love with him.
It was one night in February of 2018, down at the little dive where we play backgammon. On this particular evening it was pretty crowded, and I was seated at a table with some friends of mine. At one point I spotted A_____ up near the bar talking with some other people, and he was laughing and gabbing and carrying on as he does. And I sat there, watching him, listening to his voice from across the room …. and suddenly I realized that as I was watching him and listening to him, I was slowly stroking the beard on my chin.
And I CAUGHT myself doing that, and I thought, “Whoa whoa WHOA, what are you doing? Stop that! What the fuck? Don’t even GO there, ha ha!”
But suddenly I was very alarmed at how I would be watching A_____ like that. And when I started thinking about it and examining my feelings, it began to dawn on me that I had been thinking about A_____. A lot.
And that’s when I really , really started to PANIC.
As soon as I got home, I got online and started furiously Googling words and phrases and questions, and cross-referencing things in a desperate effort to find a website or a chat room or a discussion group where someone could give me some advice, because if I didn’t nip this thing in the bud, I was doomed. I was thinking, “I can’t believe this had to happen to ME! I don’t WANT this! I don’t NEED this! What do I do? What do I DO????”
Eventually I made contact with people who knew what I was going through. None of the answers were good. Some people said, “Look, just hang in there, you’ll eventually get over it.” Others said it was best for me to stay as far away from A_____ as possible. But how could I abandon my friend? HE’S the one with CANCER!
So panic gave way to pain. And the pain eventually gave way to deep, deep despair.
Even worse is that over the past year I have learned something very ugly about myself: My capacity for JEALOUSY. I’ve never had to deal with jealousy until the past year. And I HATE it. It’s NOT who I’m supposed to be!
I have always striven to be a kinder person, the best friend anyone could ever have, so that when it’s my time to go, at least I’ll be well spoken of and well remembered. I think that’s all any of us could ever ask for. And I was at peace with that, even if I finished out the rest of my life alone and unloved.
But when THIS happened, sixteen months ago, that peace of mind I had achieved was fucked all to hell.
Sixteen months of despair. Some days have been better than others. But every time the despair hits me particularly hard, it wears me down just a little bit more. And now I’m at a point where there’s nothing left to wear down.
A_____ did nothing wrong. I have done nothing wrong. The only thing I’m guilty of is having a heart, and no one ever said the human heart was logical.
I resent my parents so much, my dad is a bad person, hateful, judgemental, ignorant, arrogant, racist, narcissistic, a piece of work. I can’t wait for him to be dead. When that time comes I will feel like a huge burden have been lifted. I will no longer will have to pretend to care or listen to his idiocracies. One less person I have to pretend to care about. There are just not enough people in my family that I care for, and that is sad. I honestly dislike most of them, they were extremely mean to me and my sibling growing up, they were hateful and spiteful toward us and now they expect that I treat them with love and care, help when possible, etc. I resent my mom for putting us in that situation, for not standing up to them and demand they respect us. I resent that she still want us to be that ones that always apologies toward them even when they are in the wrong. It drives me crazy, she just be on my side, even if I’m wrong. I hate her for that. She never sided with us, never.
It feels so lonely right now. I’m at work, have a family, people around me and yet I feel alone, so alone. Tired of living, which it is become more of a chore than a joy. I want to go to sleep and never wake up again, never.
don't go if you are not sure she said but i'm never sure i'm never sure of what is there tomorrow if there is any tomorrow i am replaceable "no you are not" maybe the memory are not but the feeling is the feeling you have on me you can have on someone else so i am replaceable i dont belong here someone else will take my place someone better i mean nothing to me i've got to leave soon so don't make it more difficult ive loved you kissed you, hated you still im here but i wish im not i wanted to stay for you i still do but its too much love.li
Why is it that I have to stay alive because of others? what about me? why should I continue to suffer just so others won’t be hurt? it is so unfair that people think that suicide is a selfish act because that person didn’t think of their love ones. But what about the person that commited suicide? should had they continue the heavy burden that comes from being alive? It makes me mad that I can’t leave this world because my love ones will feel guilty or mad about me being gone by choice.
When I become suicidal, I become really angry since I can’t leave because of my love ones and for a little bit I hate them because they are keeping me around. It will be so easy if i would to become an statistic and die in a car accident, it would be a win win situation, i would be death and my love ones wouldn’t feel like it was their fault.
The infinite void outside this planet is so perfect and sublime precisely because its limitless. How silly of me for seeking perfection all the while being trapped within a limited body.
Truly the best of all existence is one that does not exist. They can never point me out at my grave because the chunks of meat being feasted upon by maggots down there are not the person they define. That person is indefinite – nowhere and everywhere at the same time.
The dead of all time are free. They’re above the mediocrity of existence and they’re infinite like the universe. I’m just wasting my time here “enjoying life”.
I got fired from my job. Some randome guy started yelling racial slurs at me and yelles “you fucking *****” over and over because he came into the store 2 minutes before closing and we had nothing left to sell. Something broke inside me and I swore at him. I was immediately told to take 2weeks of unpaid leave. Its now been 3 weeks and my bosses havent responded.
My only friends were at that job. Ive been there for 3 years and now. Poof. My boyfriend was at that job. We’ve been together for almost 2 years now. We just got into a fight because ive been stressed out with work and school and now he says he wants a break. I have no one. I have nothing left and Ive been looking around the house to see where I can hang myself. I bought pills a few years ago but theyre expired and i only have 3. I have pills for epilepsy that might so something. Or theres a bridge down the road I can jump off. Or hang off. I’m numb right now. Thinking about me dying just feels right. It feels good. I want to fucking die right now. Roll of the dice which one would be the fastest
I can’t sleep. Thoughts are swarming round my head. I keep swatting them away, but they keep coming back. It’s been like this for months now. The thoughts come at night. When all I want to do is sleep. But I’m always afraid. Every fucking hour of every damn day.
I just want to die. Finally drop dead and let the thoughts and anxieties drop dead with me. It doesn’t matter what anyone says. Life is not worth the pain I constantly feel.
If I can’t die, I at least want to sleep.
It’s been two years since I’ve looked at this website. But today, and lately, for a while.. I’ve been thinking about how it’d be if I wasn’t here. It’s not like anybody would notice I’m gone. I lost custody of my daughter for having an eating disorder. I lost my family for failing at treatment. I lost myself trying to recover and pretending that I’m okay. And now I’m left with nothing and nobody and I’m just done. I want to die. I want to be alone forever and not have to eat or drink water or move or think or cry. I wish I could cry but at the same time I wish the urge to cry nonstop would go away and my heart would stop hurting. I’m either going to stop eating and starve to death or I’ll just do it myself, nice and fast. If I do that somebody has to find my body. If I die of starvation, I’ll die skinny and slowly die like it was an accident and I won’t be blamed. That seems like a much better option. But it also takes a lot longer. I’d be hurting for longer and People would notice and try to stop me, like they have before. I just want to be alone so I can die in peace. I want to scream on a mountain and never be seen again. I want to drown in a lake and never be found. I just want to fade away, disappear, leave the world with nobody noticing. I lose my daughter tomorrow… and idk how to live without her. She’s my everything and I have nobody. They say I’m still sick.. I still struggle. Of course I do. I have no home, no family, no place to go, nobody to ask for help. Nobody hears me when my body doesn’t show my struggle. Idk how to ask for help without using my body to signal it, underweight tends to scream help. But being a healthy weight, I’m healthy I must be happy and fine right? I must be doing SO GOOD! Right? Wrong. Because I didn’t want to die when I was starving to death.. but now that I’m not I want to die more than ever. I miss my heart failing. I miss my bones. I miss the numbness from starvation and I hate the numbness from too much sadness. I hate me. I hate my life. I have no purpose. I’m done.
Alright. Time to get this off my chest. Since I’ve been a kid, my parents haven’t been the nicest. They both struggled with alcohol before they had me and many would say my dad acts like a dry drunk. He has anger issues, and its scary sometimes. I’m 16 now, and I’m still scared of my dad. Just today he punched my brother in the face because my brother had a smart alec tone. All I can do is just let it happen. I don’t see my dad often because he works in New Jersey and I live in Georgia, so I guess that’s a plus. I Guess I’ve never had a father figure in my life because of this. Maybe this long distance travel thing severely stresses him out, so he takes it out on me and my brothers. At least that’s what I think. I got in a fight with dad on new years and he called the police on me. That was because I threatened to kill myself so hebeat me and I defended myself. . My dad and mom are also mentally abusive. They tell me im worthless. I’ a disappointment. That they’e ashamed to have me as their kid. They don’t ask a lot from me, they only ask me to do chores, make almost straight A’s, and be nice and respectful. And I do most of those things. The main one I struggle with is grades. They tell me my grades are shit and Im not gonna get into college and unless I get into a prestigious university they are not paying for my college. I think that them insulting me and throwing me under the bus is their way of trying to motivate me to do better, but it doesn’t. It just makes me more depressed. Im a very sensitive guy. I cant help it. I take whatever people say to me way to literal. This past year has been a wreck for me. Halfway through my second semester, my brother go kicked out of our private school for writing a pretty6 vulgar rap song. My parents basically disowned him for a time. I ended up leaving shortly after because my parents have beef with the school. I transferred into a public school, and I had no friends. All my other friends basically stopped hanging out with me, and I couldn’t make friends at my new school. Anxiety started creeping in and it got so bad that I didn’t know how to talk to anyone and I got all red and flustered even when the teacher called on me. Thyis was very weird for me because I had always been very social and outgoing. Because of this, I ended up sleeping during class a bit and not participating so I didn’t have to talk to anyone. My grades suffered a bit, but I still had A’s and B’s. This still wasn’t good enough for my parents though. they were disappointed. I told them that its hard moving schools but they don’t care. I feel like they never care. That im a robot and I have to meet all expectations or Im worthless. my parents also are suing the school we got asked to leave from. They started attacking this other rap group that goes there on facebook and shit trying to get them expelled. And those are my friends. Were my friends. The whole second semester, I had a lot on my mind. I started smoking weed a lot, sometimes up to 4x a day. Of course my parents found out and I got in even deeper shit and got more depressed. I was using weed to cruise my depression, and I’d say it was working, until I started abusing it. I’ve lost 25 pounds, I’ve stopped working out, and I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. During this time, I was thankful enough to have a beautiful girlfriend who loved me no matter my issues. But around the 5 month mark, she told me she didn’t love me anymore. She said I need time to work on myself and my depression and she doesn’t want to date me because every time we hangout im just depressed. I cant even be happy around my favorite person in the world. This shocked me. The only person that cared about me is now gone. I have nothing left. Ive cried myself to sleep almost evry night for the past month. I want my parents to love me. I want my girlfriend to love me. I want to meet my parents expectations. But I understand you can’t have everything. Now, I just want to be left alone. I have no reason left to live. We are moving too. Since my parents were getting a lot of backlash from trying to get that other rap group expelled, they say they feel betrayed by the community and we are moving elsewhere. Away from everything I held so dear to me. I just cant see any upside to my situation. today, right before I wrote this, I told my mom I was severely depressed and want to kill myself. She told me, ‘ya know, I want to kill myself too. you just have to learn to deal with it.’ I told my father and he said that if I ever threaten to kill myself or hurt myself, hes calling the cops and having me arrested. Im pretty sure you cant do that but all the lies and manipulation my parents have put me through makes me believe him. that’s why I believe them when they insult me even when they aren’t being that serious. They don’t care. They just want to get rid of me. My dad says if he catches me smoking he having me arrested and taken away. I feel like im a completely different person than I was a few months ago. I literally cannot talk to someone I don’t know. I just like to be alone. I feel like if I kill myself now ill be saving myself from a lot of suffering in the future. my parents have asked me, “Why are you so sad? What do you possibly have to be sad about?” And I tell them. But they still don’t understand. they’ll say, no your not depressed. If you would’ve made straight A’s and didn’t smoke weed you wouldn’t be so sad. It just hurts me that they don’t care and cant even see where im coming from. Im writing this because I hope someone does. As selfish as it sounds, I just want someone to say “Yeah I understand your pain. you have nothing to feel guilty about”. And if I sound like a white privileged little *****, please tell me. Idek at this point. all I know is that im depressed and Im sick of being sad every single day.
and the best thing is you probably wouldnt even know that i died you’d just probably try to contact me and figure im an asshole who moved on