Rants

I want to die. I’m not depressed, mentally destressed, stressed in general, etcetera I’m general an average person. But. I just don’t like existing. I’d rather not. It’s my opinion, like apples to oranges. I like apples more than oranges. I’d like to die more than I’d like to live. I don’t hate my life (other than the simple fact of being alive), I don’t hate myself, people don’t hate me, for the most part, I mean you can’t be friends with anyone, y’know. I’ve been depressed, but when I’m depressed I’m not suicidal. I mostly just want attention and comfort, someone to talk to about my feelings. Not suicidal thoughts, just simply I’m feeling x because of y and I want to talk about it. When I’m happy, or stable I suppose, which is most of the time, I rational think about how I want to commit suicide. I enthusiastically tell peers about my plans. I know that sounds bizarre. I say it with a smile on my face, a genuine smile, I actually don’t feel bad, I feel content in the room with the other person discussing costs and methods. Not like I do this in my free time, but whenever the topic comes up, I bring out my handy-dandy notebook of suicidal ideation. Loads of papers, I’m obsessed. Not like that. Like you’d be obsessed about something coming up like a holiday, someone coming over, event, studying your favorite subject…mines death.

Let me attempt to explain my reasoning in more depth: I don’t, like, the idea of, existing on a universal plane. Scratch that, anywhere. In anything, as anyone. It’s so incredibly boring, stupid, and pointless. Pointless meaning without meaning or logical reason. Not in a “depressed like manner.” Just as it is pointless to check under the sun to see if there’s anything new up there, it is pointless to exist.

Question time – why live? Why live other than what you’ve been taught, or indoctrinate into? Give me one, one thing to live for.

Apart from anything you have ever known in your entire lifetime, generations.

There is no answer, just contemplation and realization. Nothing. Literally nothing. We we’re born humans and taught to be people. People who live in a society. In the world, a spinning rock. Imagine that.

I bet, if we we’re another species, from another reality, gazing at multiple other realities, we’d defiantly be the Sims.

Fun to play for awhile, but we eventually get so,
pointless. Dull. Meaningless. Boring. Bleh. I don’t wanna play Sim’s anymore, let’s play something else.

No spicing up my life will do nothing
No seeing someone will do nothing.
No taking pills will do nothing.
No seeing new people, making friends, going out distracting myself from the realities of life , as we all do, will do nothing.
No moving will do nothing.
No, anything else, no
No
The only thing that could’ve saved me was condoms, birth-control, or abortion. Whoops. Missed opportunity.
If you’re thinking ‘well, how does this person expect us to help??’
Don’t lol, answer the main question and you’ll be fine.
What do you think?

So, it took me around 6 or 7 years for me to realize that all I want in life is to be taken into account. To be someone that people think about. To not just be a complete no one blended in the crowd. But I wouldn’t call myself an attention seeker, all I’ve ever wanted was a purpose, a place in this world.

I’m pretty sure this all started back when I was in junior high school. I was your typical shy and not talkative (outcast) kid. I never was a person of many friends (and I’m not to this day), but I longed to. Maybe not to the point of wanting to be popular, but really all I wanted was to be liked. So I would do pretty much anything other people asked me to just so they would like me. And to nobody’s surprise, all that happened was that I was constantly used. So I developed a feeling of resentment towards others and pretty much ghosted everyone around me (except for a few people).

Fast forward to today and I’m nowhere near to fulfilling that desire of mine. If anything, I think I’m worse than before since back then I could help others because at least I was good in school, the only thing I was ever good at, but right now I don’t even have that. So here I am, feeling lonely, with no real purpose in life, no talents to speak of, only existing in others’ lives, but not to the point where I’m taken into account by others.

And to be fair, what’s the point anymore? There’s no reason for me to try anything new, since I know that whatever thing I try to do, whatever new activity I engage myself in won’t be for anything other than to seek attention and approval from others, like a desperate attempt to say “I’m here, I exist, please love me”.

In the end, I’ll just be forgotten, people will move on with or without me. Right now I’m pretty sure that the only way I’ll be remembered is through my death. That’s the only stain or legacy I can afford to leave, since right now I neither have anything else to offer to others around me nor do I have the motivation to try to make changes in my life.

“Premiere” high schools are the worst. They force their students to work, work, work all for the name of the school. They even run away from helping their students since they don’t want to acknowledge the fact that they are killing thousands of young minds… I won’t kill myself in spite of my school because it’s pointless. Admins will attend your funeral and then go back to doing their same old bullshit, not giving a fuck about their school’s students.

I just want to graduate from this stupid high school but I know that it’s pointless because all the other colleges are going to be hard. Why am I not resilient? I just want to cry and run away from the rest of the world. I want to lock myself in my bedroom. I know climate change and capitalism are going to kill us all and all our efforts to help make a better future for ourselves and other organisms are just going to be futile because we do not have the power and money the rich and greedy have. I want to run away to a paradise, where I can be happy and content. I kinda wish I could just become a “vegetable” right now because I don’t want to work in a future that has no hope.

I know that there is some good left in the world, but I’m gonna admit that it’s not enough to stop the world from turning into shithole in the next few years? decades?

I have workaholic friends and I guess I’m kind of a workaholic too. Some of them choose to be workaholics due to my school driving them to do so — “Always aim for excellence.” Me? I didn’t choose to be one, but the school, throwing 5 papers a week as a requirement, forced me to be one. I just wanna lock myself in my room, play games, and sleep for the rest of my life. I’ll get bored, but it’s the only thing I know now. I can’t even make myself work for an hour straight. All my papers this year were submitted late. Late. I wish the teachers in my school had lower standards, especially for those with mental health problems (i.e., all of us).

I wanna withdraw, withdraw, withdraw and stay forever in my room. I could kill myself but my dumbass will and always will fail to do so and then my parents will find out again and scream and yell at me. I could break up with my boyfriend and ghost all of my friends so that there would be less people to stop me from isolating myself. But…

But?

I don’t know what’s stopping me.

I’m so lost.

I wish the world would end and all of our miseries would end once and for all.