I had a forgotten drunken one night stand years ago with a former coworker when i first had my psychotic break. Weeks later i noticed she had been doting over me and smiling like her first christmas whenever she seen me even though we we never close emotionaly atleast. Then one time we were working the same shift overnight and i noticed the baby bump. Not remembering sleeping with her then(xanax will do that) i chalked up her excitement at seeing me as horny pregnancy hormones or something. I seen her shopping two years ago with a guy i know and a young child thats […]
I want there to be something wrong with me. I wish a doctor could diagnose me with terminal inability to make friends. I want a scapegoat for my problems, instead of acknowledging that most of my problems stem from my own actions.
And then one might say to me on that subject (and I certainly have to myself, many a time) “why not take action, try to get out, try to meet people, try to focus, try to work on yourself. After all, nobody can do it for you – the best motivation comes with within.”
And I must say “but I have failed before […]
I am tired. I want to sleep. Tomorrow I need to wake up at 6 in the morning. Im a terrible human being. A lot of people love me. There’s a woman who I think I’m in love with. But, limerence…
What an awful thing. The moment that someone becomes important to me, I already start preparing for losing them. Because I associate love with loss?
Before leaving for my studies, I spent half an hour crying. Before that I played sad tunes on my guitar until my arm hurt. Now, before going to bed, I watched porn. Who am I?
The worst thing is that she makes […]
I cant take much more. I’ts like I’ve ruined all of my relationships and somehow my rock bottom became even deeper. I am constantly thinking about dying. But I know it would harm everyone in my family. But how much of a difference would it make because Im always selfish anyways. Ive tried to change and just when I thought I made some progress its like I go 10 steps backwards within a day. I don’t want to try anymore. I’m exhausted. I want and don’t want to die at the same time. I am constantly at war with myself and my emotions, all the […]
I’m not doing well, and haven’t been for a good few months. Always been a depressive type, but I’ve really fallen down lately haha. Especially recently, where suicidal and self harm related thoughts have been daily. Been in contact with people to get help but waiting lists are long (and hope’s falling a bit low haha).
One of the things I keep thinking about is when I was in a better (though far from good) place a few months ago, and one of my very close friends was in a much worse place than they’re in now.
I checked in on them near […]
So i don’t post much on here. I usually read people’s post on here and see if i can relate on here. I know we’re all hurting inside and we all have our own problems. I figured I’d share something to see what others think about the subject I’m about to talk about
So i knee surgery today. Didn’t seem they found much bad in my knee, but only clean up the inside of it. To keep the story short, i just wanted to say this. When they put me to sleep, i felt i was at peace. No pain, no sorrow, no depression, slno sadness, […]
It’s been a while for me here. I always somehow find myself here again. I don’t think I am actively suicidal anymore, but I never am happy or ok either. I graduated from uni earlier this year and life feels even more empty. I thought to myself, trying to console it, that I do have a chance now. I have good friends, enough creativity, some sort of motive and means to get out of this shithole and find a life. But the world isn’t good enough. even if i decide to live, actually live, the world isn’t worth living in. It’s all a game to […]
I’m new to this forum, so I don’t know how taboo this topic is. But my situation is as the title says — I’m in serious danger of going through with it because of the shame and pain I feel over never having been in a relationship or having sex. I’m at the point where I’m preparing a suicide note. My whole life, I’ve (probably?) dealt with depression in one form or another. I’ve been depressed over doing poorly in school, being bullied, not having friends — the list goes on. But, all those problems ended up being solveable.
Not this one, though. I have lost […]
This is my first post, so I hope I’m doing this right. I’ve never been good at writing so this might be a little incoherent.
I know I will kill myself someday and I’m at peace with that. I just have to wait a few years till my friends either have left the country or have moved on.
My contact with friends is minimal I do not care for reaching out either. I feel incredibly selfish for taking my own life knowing it will hurt them.
My best friend/roomate has taken some distance because of my persistent pessimism. She’s not doing too great mentally either and I’m glad she […]
My life is a complete mess, and I don’t know how to fix it. I suffer immensely, and have suicidal daydreams often. But I can’t bring myself to do it. Not because of fear, but because I can’t bring myself to do that to the people who care about me. I’m not really growing as a person. I make attempts–applying to volunteer at homeless shelters, even recently the suicide hotline (maybe that was a bad idea, I can hardly help myself), and I’d love to go back to school if I could. My stupid criminal history gets in the way. I do my best and […]
The feeling always lingers in the back of my mind… I cant remember a time where it’s been gone completely, even for just a moment. A dark and cold feeling. It’s hard to talk about because I’m not good at explaining it, and I dont want to bother anybody… but I cant just… let it sit, I guess, for very long. Fear, pain, a sort of bitterness, a horrible burdensome feeling. I have fantasies that killing myself will actually help the world somehow. Like a brutal sort of death I put myself through. I think about that pretty often actually. A sort of sacrifice I […]
There is no meaning of life. We just exist, and die. And life goes on, and on, and on. For million, billion of years, etc etc etc.
We are just a speck of dust in the vast universe, in the grand scheme of things.
Of course, 90% (or 99%?) of people (human beings) will always try to find or give ‘meaning/purpose’ in their own insignificant lives, because the reason is simple: it’s survival instinct. Human beings (people) will (usually) try to keep living, keep surviving, no matter what. It’s evolutionary. It’s in human nature.
Even if it means people (humans) will create anything as their toxic positivity […]
If you are feeling particularly low about the world or on the edge of going through on it due to the state of the world then perhaps skip this post…
Imagine “winning” the lottery only to find out you have to win it again with similarly steep odds to actually recieve the cash. I guess one could find solace in the fact that we weren’t asked to enter the first game anyway. In fact we find that those who didn’t win were the lucky ones. I speak of course about being born and then having to clutch at straws to be allowed to actually live.
Lets be […]
People ask, where do I wanna be
What do I wanna do
Where do I wanna end up
And I don’t fucking know
I feel like a Toy Story toy, I’m nothing without someone else playing with me, putting me in construed situations, pulling my strings, I’m happiest and most myself when I can go limp and silent in their hands and at the end of the day be put back in my place
My selfhood and my drive, my determination and my will, my so-called creativity, all are brief battles
Tumultuous unguided and unpredictable bursts that only […]
I’m here again because I have nowhere else to be.
These past couple years, my life has really gone downhill. I don’t know why. I keep trying to fix things and make my life better, but it feels like every single choice I make is the wrong one. It only gets worse. Everytime I think that it’s the worst life can get, things get worse. And worse. And it never stops.
I tried making friends, I tried eating healthier, I tried exercising and being outside more, I tried alcohol, I tried drugs, I tried therapy. It doesn’t work. It’s just not working and I feel so fucking […]
I don’t know why I try. I’ve been suicidal for 4 years and have had many attempts but they all fail. Am I a coward? Am I not strong enough? I think I am. I’ve been hospitalized 4 times. Nothing helps. I don’t want anything to help. My therapist doesn’t get that. I want them to understand, but I also don’t. I am just a big contradiction. Am I not suicidal enough? I am. Then why am I alive? I don’t know. School starts soon. I hate it. I go so I can hide in the bathroom and cut. Why do I cut? The answer […]
I’ve had such bad experiences with therapists. This one was the only one in my city who would take my insurance and was accepting new patients now, not two or three years from now (that is literally the wait list for most of them). When we started early this year, I thought she was going to be good. I told her I’m autistic and sometimes I speak slowly, so I need you to be patient and give me time to process my words. She seemed to understand, and she did that at first.
But lately she’s been interrupting me, talking over me, talking past me… and […]
I have been alive for 9,230 consecutive days. At least what one can call the term, considering I’m breathing, having a heartbeat and I’m capable of forming my own thoughts. An inner life;an outer life;never felt alive-kind of deal. 5,215 days ago, I had made utter peace with mortality. In fact, I couldn’t wait to face it with all that I’ve had.
3,435 days ago, I had found understanding for that kind of thinking and I could move within a hidden space the way, I was supposed to for all my life. Unfortunately for me, everyone grew up. Except… Me. Things, a therapist can’t hear: “I […]
Some thoughts are causing me extreme pain, they won’t go away. I have gained weight, due to medication and I also eat like crazy. It’s gotten out of control, I used to do exercise at home and eat only particular things. I think my bad mentality got me addicted. I have given up a long time ago.
I do maybe know what I am going to study with my 25 years of meaningless existence oh so far. That’s a first for me. But I cannot imagine going out all the time. It’s so stressful for me, because I find myself revolting. I can’t handle any more […]
To be honest, there are times where I am fine. I’m good. The sadness is locked, the pain is not flowing, and the darkness is dimmed by my torch.
Sometimes it’s hard to write here because I’m afraid.
I’m afraid to inflict pain and to put ideas that can hurt people who read this. But then again, I know how most of this site’s visitors feel. I’ve been there and I still go there despite my want to not be in that dark place.
I remember my first attempt to open up.
It was hard and it was painful. Talking didnt resolve anything, infact it […]