honestly i want to focus on myself and focus on my mental health so i just dropped all my friends one by one in the kindest way possible. i dont know if this was a good decision or not since i mean alot to some of them but honestly sometimes i hate them and sometimes i dont. they do shitty things and make me want to not talk to them but unless i actually ghost them i cant hold a grunge and completely stop talking to them. most of them didnt care anyways so its fine but idk if i did the right thing
everyone was gone today. they told me yesterday that they were going out. i made a plan then and there.
i was stupid. it was so dumb, the reason i failed.
i couldn’t make it out of the fucking house. between all the blood loss and not being able to afford to refill my prescriptions and not having the will to eat for the last couple of days, I could barely even physically make it to the door, scrabbling along the floor. i passed out and vommed from the attempt.
i couldn’t do it in the house, i can’t leave behind that sort of mess for them. i couldn’t even leave behind the vom- i took off my shirt and used it to wipe it up.
i hate forcing the burden of my prescence on them anyways- their kid’s good-for-nothing partner, college dropout who eats their food and uses their water and hasn’t even payed fucking rent since the pandemic started. i hate taking advantage of their charity and good nature. i am overwhelmed with guilt every time i take up their space or their resources- gluttonous me eating their food, wasteful me keeping the lamp on in our room all night bc im a grown fucking adult who’s afraid of what i’ll see in the dark, annoying me getting stuck on an echolalia loop or accidentally infodumping in front of them. i feel terrible enough just walking past them, forcing them to have to deal with my disgusting presence until i’ve finished crossing the common room.
if i do it now, before i can figure out how to somehow pay them back for the money i owe and for the burden i’ve made myself, the very fucking least i can do is not leave a stinking mess for them to come home to and have to deal with. i refuse to inconvenience them like that.
and that’s the reason i fucking failed today.
when I was 6 and I wanted to die I told myself that if we could just make a little longer we would find a forever family and not be stuck in that forsaken group home anymore.
when I was 9 and I wanted to die I told myself that the little ones needed me to protect them, so I had to make it a little longer. until they knew how to protect themselves.
when I was 11 and I wanted to die I knew it meant my younger sibling would become the new scapegoat so I had to make it a little longer.
when I was 12 and I wanted to die my first friend made kandi for my wrist and told me that we could only die if we did it together. I had to make it a little longer, because I didn’t have the heart to watch her bleed out beside me.
when I was 14 and I wanted to die a woman found me on her morning walk and called the police. my adoptive parents made sure I knew better than to pull a stunt like that again. my sibling started talking to me again, when no one could catch us. I had forgot my purpose- to protect them.
when I was 14 and I wanted to die I had to hold out for my siblings.
when I was 15 and I wanted to die I had to wait a little longer, until we made out of that place. everything would be better when we got out. as an adult I’d be free
when I was 16 and I wanted to die I had to wait a little longer, until I was an adult and could be free
when I was 17 and I wanted to die I only had a year left, I could make it to freedom.
when I was 18 I moved out and my adoptive parents made sure I knew what the consequences would be. my younger sibling made it three months without me before their first attempt.
when I was 18 and I wanted to die I knew I had to keep going a little longer, keep working so I could send emergency money to my younger siblings, keep at school so I could provide better. I couldn’t keep up with school and I dropped out. I worked and I worked and my foster mom sabotaged me at every turn, fucking with my insurance, spreading lies and hate around the small town that I had to stay in to help my siblings.
One of the siblings is put of there- moved clear across the country. The other sibling is self sufficient enough now, far better than me in every way and with an escape plan and supports that do not involve me. The siblings do not need to be protected, and I am an adult.
I am 20 and I want to die, and there is nothing to wait for.
– can read more fanfic
– pay back the woman who’s been housing me during the pandemic
– play animal crossing
– post fanart online and read the comments
– make the animatic
– jack off
– eat meat
– still have the chance to get thinner
– listen to my partner’s plans for their au
– attend conventions again, someday
– sing along to music, loud+alone
– I won’t be cognizant of anyone perceiving me
– I will not have to figure out how pay anyone back
– never have to interact with my parents again
– not stuck in this fucking body anymore
– won’t ever have to be verbal
– no more food worries
– stop stringing along th ppl who care and forcing them to witness my lack of functionality. they can deal with my death+move on instead of constantly thinking I’ll get better and being proven wrong every day.
– will never have to do dishes again
– not have to feel the guilt of sleeping anymore
– not have to be awake anymore and experience input all the fucking time
– no more sensory overloads or meltdowns
– can eat raw bits of me b4 the end without having to worry abt overdoing it
– won’t have to worry about jobs+money
Loneliness is killing me, if it didn’t already. So I’m trying to contact some old friends, because why not.? New people are assholes. All of them. Seriously. All. Of. Them. I’ve gained no new friends or even acquaintances. They’re unsocial, or at least towards me.
Maybe my depression is spooking everyone, even though I’m constantly laughing. My heart hurts so much with this heaviness, while being completely hollow. Anatomically impossible. I can’t take this any longer.
Some nights I lay awake and have an argument with my inner demons, whether I should just simply get up and kill myself. I should’ve responded with: Yes. Because it would’ve saved me from so much freaking misery. I should just accept, that no one will ever be interested in me. That people go out of their way, to just turn their backs on me, the second I begin to feel a friendship forming.
Just now, I’ve received a response from a girl, that I used to call ‘Kitsune’. At least, I thought it was her, according to her profile info, I was almost sure. It wasn’t her… Meaning, I have no anchor point, to search her up somewhere to talk. I just want one last talk with her, to ask how she’s doing… We were so close.
However I did have one good thing coming to me. Someone did actually reach out. I haven’t talked to that person for at least 5 years. But yet, it felt like no time has passed… She’s the only one, who gives me a little reason to think, that I’m not utter trash. My demons tell me, I should embrace it as long as I can. Because there will come a time, she’ll also be uninterested in me. She’ll get tired of being the smile of my day. Yeah, she will. You just wait and let me post yet another disappointment here.
cw/ graphic suicidal ideation
Nothing in the society that I live in holds real value anymore. Most careers today are tasks that help make some CEO richer. Painting and music hold no sort of sacredness under Capitalism. So many people in my country have died alone from the pandemic, and it seems as though no one cares. There’s so many expectations for me at the age that I am now. I don’t have anything figured out.
The thought of dying doesn’t scare me. I don’t say this to seem like a hardass or anything, either. I view death as the ultimate peace from this abhorrent scape of reality.
I live only to please those who I know care about me. I care about them as well, and I don’t want to traumatize them with taking my own life. But, today, I feel like just running away and going to some abandoned building near by to take a leap. Peace and relief from this hellscape feel within grasp.
I can’t talk to anyone in my life about this. I worry that if I tell my therapist, I will get 5150’d like past therapists/psychiatrists have done. If you’ve read this, thank you for hearing me.
literally everyone i know has now fucked up their relationship with food?? wtf happened? i fucking hate how i can never go all the way in something ive been struggling for 4 years now and nothing happened even when i reached 14 bmi,, whenever i do lose im very good at hiding so no one thought of anything serious. i still would go out and eat and laugh, then run to a dirty public bathroom throw up my guts in the fastest time i could then go back to laughing and enjoying. and now at least 4 people i know keep telling me oh they havent eaten in 3 days oh they lost x kgs oh they Hate their appearance but they are now not eating so yayy!!!! and im like noo u should eat dont do that and in my head i keep tearing myself apart for not being in control enough.
the thing is its not just oh i want to look pretty.,its more like i cant bear the idea that my body exists. that i do exist and i take up place and it just ends me i want to rip my limbs apart Every Second Of Every Day. i have bruises from all the pinching of the skin along the cuts and i ripped a few clothes apart. ill never be okey because i want to disappear not just be thin. and now i not only have to hide my struggle but also help other people with it and be supportive and caring. but its also a competition.. i cant lose.
so i made up the puzzle of how to go on about it. my birthday is in two months. im gonna lose the 10 kg to reach 13 bmi again and then i can die cuz i cant die fat too.. literally the only thing stopping me. then i get to celebrate and say my lowkey goodbyes.
cant wait to be a goner.
it’s been so long since I posted here
Im 19 now, I dropped out- listen, university ISNT for everyone. Especially if you’re rushing things.
my dad is back in Honduras again, I mean I’m happy about that at least. I’m afraid he’ll come back.. I know he will.
to hurt us.
im doing.. okay? I guess, I don’t know how to put it, i role play as ponies, My Little Pony OCS, they’re fun actually. I used to role play before, but I drifted away after I turned 15… then im back in it again. Oh how the world goes in a circle.
i get paid with unemployment money, I mean it’s not a lot, hahah America. but I feel.. not happy? I just.. feel safe.
I feel safe he’s not gonna grab my neck and choke me out.
I feel safe.. calmer..
Im not saying my depression and suicidal thoughts are gone, nah.
They’re still there. I always hear them, that I’m not good enough, or I’m a piece of garbage. Hah.
I go “Ay Naku!” Everytime i self deprecate. It’s terrible.
But sometimes I’m happy where I am, my art has improved so much over the years, and I’ve grown as a person to help my friends. Sure I have my panic attacks, anxiety attacks, mental breakdown, trauma… but I know things will get better. I just have to keep living.
I hope you guys can all too. It’s hard, huh?
I’m so very empty… For 4 years you had been my best friend. But I didn’t feel important to you for a long while. I’ve cried out, for more time with you, more affection, but no matter how often I did, you didn’t care.. you didn’t care enough.
I’m not a happy person and I need more than other people do. I’m sorry, I’m like this.. I really am. Telling you goodbye, was one of the most painful things I did this year already. Great start of 2021.. Now I see you removing everything around me, that had anything to do with you. It hurts. But I couldn’t do this anymore. There’s only so many times you can make yourself a fool, until you’ve had enough.
I couldn’t take, being that pathetic, brokenhearted friend, who has lost his cat a few months ago… The holidays were supposed to be our together-time, but you’ve prioritised stupid things. You still have your 2 cats, I don’t have anything left.. no will to live. I told you that and you didn’t take me seriously. Maybe it’s because I’ve said it too many times before and it just lost its meaning. I’m just so empty.. You’ve disappointed me and broken my heart this winter. Thank you for that.
I’m so tired of holding in 80% of my pain. Somehow others don’t notice the 20% I do show. And if I show more, no one wants anything to do with me. I mean, I get it. Nobody wants to hang out with a sourpuss, who ruins their happy mood. I’ve really tried my best. I did, lovelies. I can’t keep upsetting everyone for being too busy to give a fly.
So the solution is simple. I have to go away. I have to leave everything behind. Everything I’ve ever owned, been gifted or bought myself. And most importantly, the people I’ve constantly upset with my moods and needs. It’s already foreseeable, what will happen 2021. More pain. Endless misery. Have a new year, even if it’s not happy I guess.. Thanks for reading.
Everything came crashing down again. I ruined everything. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m tired. Life isn’t fun. This is too much for me. I want to kill myself. I don’t know how but I just want it to stop hurting.
Sooooo…. covid has not killed me. Doubtful it will. I rarely get sick. I get a mild cold/fever sometimes cuz i am allergic to my own eggs. So when i ovulate my body tries to kill the invaders. Lol.
Anyways, my menstrual cycle messes with my hormones. Hormones mess with my brain chemicals. I get even more depressed. So lucky me! it’s the holidays and now i have that great social anxiety i get when i am going to be with my family for long periods of time. Yay.
And cuz of covid, work has really sucked. I have to work at home. The first couple months were great. But i work for the public. The best parts of my job are interacting with my coworkers and customers. So i have no work to do that i enjoy. I stopped working around july/august . Nobody noticed. Nobody has said anything. So i am grateful i am getting paid but feel guilty. I just realized i had to order something that needed to be here by January. It is december 23. I think how somebody else would not have let that slip. How somebody else could do my job better…or just fucking do it. I feel guilty. I also feel like i do shit like this on purpose to see if anybody notices..if anybody cares what i do. Maybe if i feel needed or necessary i would work like i can and should. Maybe i’d have a reason to get out of bed. Today I will come up with a lame excuse. Everybody will be understanding and i will keep my job. Sigh.
My to do list keeps growing. Lots of little things. Maybe 3 or 4 big things. Nothing that difficult. A few things are rather expensive and inconvenient. A lot of things i now have to do cuz i did not do other little things years, months, weeks ago. So my self destructive ways are seen at work, in my apt’s lil things that need to be fixed..now a few big things, my car-small things, now a few big things, and my body small things are now big things. Unfortunately one will not die from cavities. They do pull your half dead tooth and replace it with a fake one. I had to that once already. Very expensive, now i am gonna have to do it again. Cuz of my anxiety (and lack of care about being alive), i don’t go to the dentist or doctor.
I feel guilty for having insurance to go and not going. I feel guilty cuz it is a waste of money. and sooooooooo many folks would love to be able to go to the dentist and doctor on a regular basis.
I feel guilty for not liking my job anymore when soo many folks are jobless now due to covid.
I feel guilty for being so physically heathy but wishing i was dead when so many folks are sick.
I feel guilty for feeling needless anxiety about being with my family when sooo many folks cannot see their family or don’t have one or have an awful toxic family.
I feel guilty for not eating and sometimes wasting food when so many are starving.
I feel guilty for buying shit when i have so much debt and am not spending the money on others or stuff i actually need.
I feel guilty for taking up space in this world when i have no talents or anything to give to others to make their lives better.
I feel guilty for constantly fantasizing about committing suicide when i know my family loves me and i truly believe Christ died for me.
i feel guilty for being depressed when my life is not awful. I feel guilty for being depressed when i have never been physically or sexually abused or assualted. I feel guilty for being depressed when my heart has never been broken cuz i have never loved anything or anyone enough for that to happen.
i feel guilty for using real life celebrities as objects of my sexual fantasies and reading fanfics about them in order to self medicate and temporarily stop my mind from thinking about wanting to not exist.
I feel guilty for lamenting being kinda smart (cuz then maybe i’d be too dumb to be this depressed.) when so many folks i know struggled in school and work cuz they were not as bright as me.
I just feel so guilty.
but the guilt has kept me from committing suicide. I would not want to leave this mess of an apartment for my family to clean. I would never want to leave all these debts for my family to have deal with. I would never want my coworkers to think they should have known since we get training on mental health awareness every year. I would not want my friends on social media to think they should have seen the signs. I would not want the first responders to feel bad they could not save me. That and in my area there is high possiblity the first responder would actually be someone that knows me or my family. Sooo yeah i don’t want to add to anybody’s cache of trauma.
i always think if i had a family or a talent or was irreplaceable at work i would not feel like a waste of space. But the famous folks who have millions that love their creativity and the contents they produce commit suicide. Folks that have spouses and children and jobs that give joy to millions. I don’t understand why they think they are not worthy of space.
Me, i truly am not. So i don’t know why I am here. The whole point of humans is to love, be loved, and create. I am loved but i don’t love and neither do I create.
so why am i here?
The title is, what I’ve used as the first line for a ‘matchmaking’ profile on a chat portal. I’ve had 8 matches that day, excitingly hitting everyone up, in expectation of finding fun people to hang around with. Well… Not even that little tool filters out all of those braindead morons.
Some didn’t know what to say at all, I had to pluck it out of their noses and some gave me not only ONE but TWO emojis as replies all the time. It’s cool, that apparently you’re laughing but I didn’t open an open mic show, I wanted an actual nice conversation about anything really. I could even talk about Flip Flops, for Christ’s sake.
It’s nothing new that hit me, while I kept trying to find a base of conversation, getting nothing in return, but.. I just can’t accept, that 99% I meet are that way. And I can’t follow, what the hell ever happened, that people got into such a poor social state. One even tried to explain to me, that the matchmaking was broken and tried to tell me to f@ck off. Wow. Do I need an effing VIP ticket to talk to you now.? I’d be stoked, if someone hit me up, mistake or no mistake in the match, to be open and fun around me.
I do understand, that people can be shy but if you’re not willing to even try saying anything, why hang around in a chat portal.? You could spend your time more useful and not be a ghost toward anyone who makes an attempt to getting to know you. I’m extremely anxious too in being awfully rejected, so much that I’ll remember it years later, because I can’t fucking let anything go.. And look at me.! I’m still going towards the option of not being a rude asshole or ignorant and boring.
Maybe I sound hateful, but who knows if there’s anything up some people’s heads, and if they actually question anything in this world. Buuut here is the somewhat jolly end: One person didn’t suck. Actually the complete opposite. She was really mindful about so many things, having suffered from similar fears before and having more experience than I do. Well, I have plenty of experience just not the capability to ever learn to stop trying to be my best version and to expect it in return from others too. We’ve filled the max. letter count in every of our responses for hours.
Seeing as there was one out of 8, that was a gem, maybe I should just keep trying.?
I’ve been scared, I got lost within the darkness..the shadows keep me awake.
I know my truth, while you scream that “it was all fake.”
you have to face yourself in the mirror and what evil things you did.
you not only scared me now, but you brought up memories I buried from when I was a fucking KID !
Facing trauma daily because I’m afraid I’m going to be hurt again, then when nighttime hits, I’m left with thoughts of how I just want this life to fucking END. I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die, I don’t wanna be numb but I also don’t want to cry. Racing thoughts, racing fears, fighting back all these damn tears. Blood threatening me, you trying to scare me into staying quiet, NO I deserve justice! I will start my own riot!
Forewarning: this post may contain triggers for victims of sexual assault, drug addiction, homelessness, domestic violence, self harm.
Resilience has always been my ally. I first posted to this forum for help when I was 12. To be completely honest , I’m a little surprised to be writing this right now.
Unfortunately, although my resilience got me this far (I’m to turn 23 on January, the 5th), I’m struggling to see beyond the current moment, unless I want to feed the intrusive thoughts and disgust that I feel. I can’t fake positivity and I don’t have the energy to pursue real happiness. I feel like some sick dramatization of a malnourished ivory lab rat. It’s ruby eyes dancing wildly through a maze, that I never willingly entered. And, I’m to feel selfish for wanting out?
I’ve been unemployed since April 2020. Since then, I’ve done whatever I could to make sure I kept myself off the streets again. I ended up living in a barn for three months outside of Portland OR. To my perplexity, I somehow managed to keep my estrogen levels relatively stable during that time. And, was able to avoid any major mental breakdowns. Despite jumping off a bridge, an awkward family reunion and getting attacked by 4 people in a parking lot… the summer seemed pretty normal. I was fortunate enough to move into a cozy house with 3 friends. I really love it here but, I get denied nearly every job that I apply for. Most of the time, when I do get selected for a position, I’m turned away before even starting due to my criminal background (from 3 years ago) when I was shooting meth and heroin.
Side note: After over dosing a handful of times and realizing I had hope, I was able to gather myself and save enough money to move to PDX and escape my old circles.
Sorry… as I was saying. Finding work has been tough. I started doing full service sex work without telling my boyfriend because, I know he doesn’t have the money and if I don’t pay my rent, I’ll have to move back to where my corruption started. Where everyone knows me as a boy turned woman. And, I know that he isn’t attached enough for a distanced relationship.
Onyx (background) skip if my love life doesn’t interest you??: I met onyx a year ago after breaking things off with a ridiculously abusive partner. This past partner went as far as to pour lube on my head and spit in my face (because I refused sex), pushed me in front of a moving vehicle and spread my contact information and social media on Reddit. Following this final stab, I received hours of call after call and man after man asking me for a $20 blowjob or threatening to come to my address and kill me for being trans. I was feeling pretty low and living in a mold covered apartment with no real path in sight. And then Onyx popped in. I felt excited to wake up and found myself full of energy even if the day was long. But, this was short lived and he slowly clued me in on Nicolette. She’s everything I could’ve possibly wanted to be at that time and couldn’t possibly achieve over night. Things got muddy and he ended up ghosting me to continue his relationship with her. During these months I worked at a sex club and was raped at work multiple times. I tried telling a co-worker and they told me it was my fault because I didn’t yell for help. A few months later, Oynx and Nicolette broke up and I was seeing someone else. But, on the same exact mf day that I broke up with that person, Onyx texted me after 3 months of silence. I debated ignoring him but, I just couldn’t. And now, we’re still together but, I feel so alone in the relationship. And with the secret sex work, I just can’t see a future for us. And when I try to be a good girlfriend, it just feels fake. I asked him about monogamy and he basically said it would hurt him if I was seeing anyone else but, he shouldn’t be expected to love me forever…
Which means, I’ll have to handle my new job moving bodies for a morgue, practically by myself with no solid support system. Moving. Bodies. …
I’ve seen relatives in caskets, best friend died in her car and 3 people have tried to commit suicide in front of me. The first one was bloody. The second was drug related. And, the third was probably the worst. So, I’ll leave it at that.
and I’ve attempted with intent to kill, 3 times myself.
I don’t want this career to ruin my sanity. I know I need a therapist but, I don’t like meds or trusting strangers. And, I want to be with Onyx but, when I try to talk to him about what’s going on and how I feel, he just checks out and tells me that my feelings are my responsibility. I just wish he would take the time to deal with me. I’m supposed to go back to where I’m from in 2 days to see my aunt; for the holidays. I’m hoping the trip with be a sort of refuge so I can gather my thoughts and decide if this shit is actually worth it to me anymore. Until then I guess.?? And thank you for bearing with the mess; if you have. I appreciate you.-MustardTea
Gibberish. A rant at a few windmills.
At least once every few years, we’re treated to headlines like todays. Great to see our leaders have scraped up enough cash to keep the government running through Sunday. That’s reassuring. I can see them all, hunched over pizza boxes working overtime, tossing their spare change into a bucket labeled “u.s. fund.”
I don’t know what to write really. I guess I just want to get some feelings out. This won’t be written in any order that makes sense I just want to put all my thoughts down. I recently started cutting myself as a way to cope with my problems. I always felt an empty nothingness inside my heart, it feels like a bottomless pit. Every time I cut myself, the feeling goes away. It must be the dopamine or adrenaline rush but it feels good. Honestly, I don’t want to feel anything. Anger, love, pride, sorrow, I don’t want to feel ANY of it. I just want to die. My life has been a complete downward spiral and nothing is ever going to change. Everyone always tells me things will get better but I FUCKING KNOW IT WON’T. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THINGS WILL GET BETTER?? IT’S BEEN LIKE THIS FOR ALL THE YEARS I’VE BEEN ALIVE. I’M TIRED OF IT ALL AND I JUST WANT TO DIE. I’m tired of all the fucking lies. “I love you”. “I care about you”. “I need you”. All bullshit. They pity me and just want me to suffer. Everyone loves seeing me suffer. They never fucking cared about me. I don’t fucking matter and I’m FUCKING AWARE. They keep lying and lying just to fucking torment me. I’ll end it all with my death. I’ve attempted twice (and failed obviously because that’s what I am, a failure) but my next attempt will be my last. I’m sorry for the long rant. Most of it is probably rambling, incoherent bullshit but I just needed to get this off my chest.
You might be invisible, but I can see you standing on every corner of my mind.
Do I report an invisible man?
Do I report a faceless and voiceless man?
I still remember what you did to me that year
That summer day where you ruin my life
I remember what you wanted to do with me
I remember everything, yet your face is still a blur
Who am I suppose to run from?
Who am I suppose to hide from?
I still feel you
I can feel how you pushed me against that house
Your hands were two, but they felt like two millions
millions of hands all over my body
Trying to rip my clothes off
Am I grateful to be here?
I still think about that
I sometimes wish you’d killed me
I have constant nightmares and panic attacks
I don’t know who you are but I hate you
I don’t know you name but I hate it
I close my eyes and you are there
I cross the street and you are there
It’s so ironic really
I sometimes think i’m still there
That I never got away from you
Maybe i’m still there and all my life it’s really a fantasy i’m having
Maybe my nightmares are not nightmares, they are real.
Maybe my life is not my life
The world is getting worse and worse. I don’t think it’ll get better. Floods will come, more politics s**t. The world isn’t going to unify to combat floods, it’s bs, it’s everyone on their own and every country for itself.
I don’t want to be around during all this turmoil in the next decade. All I want is to have a small, nice house with solar panel roof and a small garden, in a pleasant suburb. No technology, no internet, no politics, no bs, but peace, just peace. A stable wife who’s my best friend, and free time to spend with our children.
I don’t want to work +30 years until I can have that, what’s this bs? There’s plenty of space. When was it that we were tricked into living in these concrete jungles, when were you, my soul, stripped away from the surrounding that spoke to your instinct, from your natural habitat..
What to do, what to do.. I’ve been thinking about the possibility on living in a dugout in some northern mountain in norway, with hydrophonics/aerophonics to provide me with all the food. I don’t need internet, I don’t wanna be tracked, I don’t want no drones spying. Damn, why can’t I just live a simple life in a pleasant house with a best-friend wife, good children and a supporting community of friendly people.
Meet Agafia, who survived the mindless crazy Soviet persecutions, and the blood-draining WW2, and the Communist bs, by simply living in the Russian wilderness all her life: youtube. com/watch?v=ElWn8wy_Z74
Her parents went there and who knows the troubles they’ve saved themselves from by doing so. It won’t be any different this coming decade, I just think of the probabilities. Floods and drought displacing tens of millions, massive migrant crises (may we have the heart to have compassion on all), gov survelliance, killing all the millions who disagree, famine, new methods of torture thanks to technology, mandatory brain implants, etc.
It’s just so sadly funny, but the Covid won’t be ending neither.. :’d people are too radicalized/politicized to think straight. Please, just, how can we spare ourselves all the pains of the coming times. Who needs social upheaval, I don’t want to be there. I don’t want glory, I just want peace.
I’m afraid.. of the torture methods that there’ll exist. I’m just afraid, I don’t know what to do, there’s no stability in the world. How the god-like Government will want to know everything, and will use it against all; being everyone’s worst enemy but being un-overthrowable, because of its drone army.
I don’t know what to do.. a cabin in the wilderness isn’t feasible because there’ll be drones scanning the landscape, they know I exist, they know everyone. I just want peace, don’t know what to do..
Hi! This is something I want to tell someone but I don’t exactly have people that I trust enough to tell. Or maybe I’m looking for advice? I don’t know— But I’m kinda conflicted with my body image. I think that I look just fine with my stretch marks and all that. Then there’s society’s image and I’m afraid of people seeing my stomach or notice how my thighs are a lot thicker than the other girls my height. I don’t cook either, I rarely step into the kitchen because I’m a mess in there. My mom is the only one who cooks and basically gatekeeps everything and is perfectly content with me only eating one meal a day so that I go back to being 80lbs but the problem is that I was 83lbs and that still wasn’t enough then. Then I went up to 96lbs and she’s not all that happy about it. I know I shouldn’t try so hard to please her but I like to eat and if I don’t lose weight she won’t let me. But if I don’t eat, which I kind of plan to, she threatens me to eat. Maybe I just wanted to rant… this has been going on for three years now since I first started to gain weight in middle school. But, to be fair I was thinking of offing myself often back then.