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Dance With My Worthlessness

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

I’m someone who likes to draw, to edit pictures (especially of games) and write my own stories. This year something happened and I lost all interest for my hobbies. I’ve recently just started to regain some interest but… It’s like nothing I do, seems great enough.

I’ve also noticed my friends, that I always share it with, being rather uninterested. I’m not sure whether my perception is just ‘wrong’ or it’s really because I’m shit. I keep thinking: What even is the point of doing this.? If I don’t think it’s good and people around me don’t really care, then why do I waste my time.? I could rather just sit on the couch and watch my favorite series a fifth time with a bag of chips.

I’ve had some dark days lately.. You know it’s bad, when you casually throw around that you want to kill yourself or even just put it into a joke. Even when I didn’t do anything important, I’ve always put a lot of meaning into my art. It was always like: Wow, I actually did something with my day. But now.? I just want to be dead. I don’t want to write about depression. I don’t want to draw faces, that aren’t recognizable as living creatures. And I don’t want to edit something not so beautiful, into something beautiful.

The sad part is, my best friend always makes it about her, whenever I feel bad about myself. It’s unbelievable. I can’t even have an argument with her, she keeps saying: “It’s a pity you think like that (about me)” I had to tell her three times in the span of 2 days: IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.! My subtle hints of me being miserable, seem to go unnoticed. So I have to tell it, like it is.

Imagine building a minefield around a person and each time you add one more. And you see that person dancing around it. It’s infuriating, when no one gets my pain. I even told her very raw: “You may think, I’m being so dramatic lately and negative but truth is, even when I tell you so much, there’s just so many things I hold back. Things I do, to feel somewhat okay. And what I really fucking feel inside.”

You want the truth.? I live with myself every day and yet… I can’t even put what I go through into words. Maybe I feel like: Oh, yeah this is actually what everyone does. But it’s not.!!! I have a friend, who has about as much social anxiety as me and she explains her daily struggles and I’m baffled how much those sound like my own fears. Or even quirks, she does, whenever she’s scared or tired or stressed.

I can write complicated characters in my stories, but I’m not able to understand, what is actually wrong with myself. If I’ll ever write a book about my life, don’t buy it. It will suck. Truthfully spoken.

I never say this, but thanks for reading this pathetic post… (I did it again, telling myself, that I’m shit)

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Chronic PainMy Suicide NoteRants

Not sure where to go..

by wittyusernames
written by wittyusernames

I don’t know why I feel like this. I feel worthless. My ex has ruined me, and I cant move past that anytime soon. I can’t do any of my work for school…I’m 3 weeks behind. I just wanna fucking die. My ex just up and left, No explanation no closure. I’m a pathetic excuse of a son and brother, I can’t even do the simple thing of doing my schoolwork, I rarely leave my room and If I do its to grab food/ride around outside. I’m not sure what the point of my writing this is. I plan on writing my note soon. I feel completely abandoned, There’s no one left.

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GeneralPoetry & ArtRantsSuicidal Survivors

am i making sense right now

by splittedharrowing
written by splittedharrowing

Schizoanalysis yields the gray room when and only when the rhizome comes from the corpus arcum, the body with no organs, the space without limits. 

Outside the body, all analysis is possible.

And you can see how this “practice” is completely opposite to a perfect pragmatic approach. It may be difficult to apply your mental faculties when you are focusing all of your Selfhood into a rhizome, and reflecting that Being endlessly back into an undifferentiated fog of experience with no tangible aspect.

I pray to the God who sleeps, that he may take my organs swiftly! Leave me barren, Lord!

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

“I don’t believe in luck! I create my own luck!”. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in life.

by niki
written by niki

A friend of mine used to tweet a phrase that always sticks with me: “Some people are lucky, some people are not.” That was some years ago, and the more I live now, the more I see (& realized/learned) that it’s true. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in their lives. Or in life, for all that matters. I don’t know and I’m not sure if it’s due to the meritocracy thing (“If you work hard, you WILL succeed/reach success!”), or if it’s due to the ‘positive/optimistic’ self-help culture/trend/hype that is literally almost everywhere nowadays, etc etc. But I think it’s very naive, simplistic, & ignorant if people seriously believe that they control ALL and EVERY aspect of their life/lives.

Even the posts here in this website that will get popular & many comments, and other posts that get almost no view/comment or even banned/deleted (even though when they’re really good posts, but sadly just very underrated or underappreciated), it also has the ‘luck’ factor in it. And as a result (or even the fatal consequences), no wonder some people in this website will feel even more alone, unloved, nobody cares, and some of them will probably even decide to be ‘gone forever’ by committing suicide.

But back to the main point again: if you really think much more deeper, you will see that it’s all random (yes, somewhat nihilistic). Some people will win, & some people will lose. Some people will survive & live, while some people will die. I always view our human species just like those little ants: There are billions of them on this planet, and some will get crushed & die, while some other will survive & live. That’s basically our human life too. In fact, it’s ALL lives in this universe. Some will live; Some will die.

Lastly, it’s the same thing with all of us here who are depressed & suicidal. You take a look at all your other friends, family, colleagues, or people, and how they somehow are happy, or even successful, and then you think: “Why I can’t be like that too?”, even though you’ve tried or even work really hard. And then even when you eventually see how some of us in this website can finally recover, cured, healed, & finally lead a normal, happy, & successful life too, it will make you think the same again: “Why I can’t be like them?”.

I don’t know if it’s god, karma, universe, destiny, fate, or just simply pure random chances. But to say that you don’t believe in luck, playing at least SOME aspects/parts in your life, that’s just naive, ignorant, & too simple-minded. People who said that probably haven’t truly ‘open their eyes & wake-up’ to reality.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Depressed little Firework

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

It’s almost 4 am and I woke up twice from the darn fireworks outside, because there’s been a demonstration going on for a few days. This is such a bad idea, to post here, when I’m sleep deprived. But none of my friends are available to talk to, so you guys are all I got right now.

I’ve been having such a hard time, fighting off negativity. I feel like all my energy goes to telling my thoughts to shut the hell up, so in the end there’s nothing left for myself… I honestly don’t think that this is normal. Even when I try my best to blend out & blend in, it won’t let me.! I’m tired of being a pathetic human being, too caring for others, that they forget to care for me.

Oh – one friend just send me a voice message, no thanks… Do they really think I want to hear that at this time, at this moment.? I told them that and now they’ve vanished. Great. Maybe I’m strange, but I dislike voice messages.. Anyone else.? I’ve never send one in my life, I hate the way I sound and it honestly takes up more time for me, than type it out. It takes long, to form the words when I try to say something, writing is just the best and I’m glad I have this option.

I’ve got so much done lately and even just yesterday enjoyed playing the Sims again. I haven’t enjoyed anything really since March this year… And now at 4 am, I just don’t know, where I stand and where I’m supposed to go, after standing still on one spot for so long.

My best friend from America has been working a lot and couldn’t even write me at least one short sentence every now and then. I’ve been trying to be understanding, but they kept on promising me they try harder – over and over again. I’ve stopped sending them messages and as I suspected, there was no word for a while. And when they finally wrote me, I’ve been extremely distant to them. I was honestly disgusted at myself, for acting that way. And it’s more sad, to know, that there’s people that are actually that way on a daily basis.

I just didn’t want to wait anymore, because all I do all my fucking time is wait. I’ve slowly began to talk normally and the second I did, they forgot about me again… They’re being the idiot, yet I’m the one feeling stupid. And now they have vacation and I think, they can have that without me. I’m just so fucking tired… Thank you fireworks, that are supposed to bring joy, to making me overthink these things, when I should be sleeping.

I’ve always hated fireworks.

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Coping SkillsGeneralRants

no breaks for the tired

by marmo
written by marmo

i can’t do school. i feel like i lose all my energy just being in google meets. And then there’s homework on top of that??? like bruh im already having to use so much energy to not kill myself and y’all expect me to pass classes asdhf. i just wish i could sleep forever. I can’t even talk to my therapist i’m so tired of thinking. here’s a song that helps soothe my thoughts,,

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GeneralRants

friends?

by marmo
written by marmo

i want more friends that i don’t feel alien from. that can relate to how i feel or at least know what it’s like to almost die at ur own hands. idk. these days i can’t help look back to the mental hospital bittersweetly at how things were so the same everyday, how the people were all the same in a way. in the real world everything is so suffocating, no one really wants a mentally ill person in their friend group or working at their establishment. they want someone who pretends not to be. i’m so exhausted

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GeneralRants

first post baby!!

by marmo
written by marmo

i can’t even be bothered anymore i feel so empty i just wanna make a pact and smoke and bite the bullet. whenever i look for forums they are all dumb as fuck and feel patronizing or like they are constantly trying to fix me, i just want to vent without some fucker in the comments like “i’m so sorry you feel like this :(( it gets better!!” i’m so bored of dealing with people and doing what i have to do to get others to leave me alone. I just wanna melt into the floor and become the earth below me. anyway goodnight!

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GeneralRants

You cannot be honest in therapy

by kdf_333
written by kdf_333

I have thought about not existing as long as i have been alive. My very first memory is of doing something to upset my sister and mom. They were my entire world. I hurt them. I thought i am a bad little girl. Don’t remember what i did but i know i did it on purpose. My punishment was being sent to my room. I thought to myself i wanted to die but i took it further. I did not want to die and go to hell cuz pain. Or die and go to heaven cuz not worthy. I just wanted to not exist, like ever. Then i could never disappoint my sister or mom. I did not want to die and have them miss me. I figured if God could create a universe, he could zap me out of existence, like on my cartoons and buck rogers and star wars.

that idea has come back to me time and time and time again. After puberty, around 11yrs old,  it was really bad. At least once a week and depending on my menstrual cycle, several times a day for 3 or 4 times a day. I had school and college buddies that were depressed. We ALL thought about suicide and different methods on the regular. We never once attempted. Well not directly. We did have very poor eating habits and were not exactly careful when we went out. Cuz when you don’t care if you live…

so every counselor, doctor, therapist, etc. asks if you have had suicidal thoughts. We ALL lie. Cuz we have them all the time. It’s constant. They pop up out of nowhere. One of my many goals on my “to get better” list is to go one week without thinking about suicide or fantasizing about being murdered by a mass shooter (i work in a public place.) or thinking of ways to make a suicide look like an accident so nobody blames themselves (plus life insurance will pay out!). Just one frikking week!

But i truly feel (so did my school buddies) that the doctors will try to put me on extreme drugs or lock me up on suicide watch if i admit to this.  I really believe that if  counselors started by saying “thinking about dying or not wanting to exist or suicide fantasies are normal.” more depressed folks would be honest in therapy. And a lot less suicides.

Thanks for this website!

Social media and themighty.com get all up in arms and think a person is about to drive into a tree when they say stuff like “today i imagined how i could drown myself but make it look like an accident.”  Over 35 years i have had these thoughts, Seriously never once actually attempted to do anything i imagined.

I am almost 45 years old. I am tired. I wish i could talk about what I really feel instead of being vague. Truly though i wish i just never existed. Or… i was a lot dumber. Then maybe i would not realize how inadequate of a human i am.

I really did not think i’d live this long still feeling this way. Sigh.

This lady talks about it. Apparently there is a name for it. https://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/passive-suicidal-depression-didnt-wake/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide NoteRants

Greedy

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

To: Sister with a flower in the head

You are really greedy huh? You have been living well, have many friends, have lovely boyfriend, have your youth life without studying, hang out friends, eating good food, top three doctor college, but still you said you are jealous of me…
You said its not enough and you still need 1% of my happiness. How can you be so cruel as a sister huh? You want to play music like me, you want to be loved by parents like me, like me, like me, like im living with the best live more than yours.
Everyone can see even you can see even you said it yourself. Yes you are better than me. I said it here and there.

Like me you said? Feeling miserable 23 hours a day. Cant find what I want to do. I cant even recognize myself or my hobby anymore. My hobby faded so my happiness. My self love deteroriated. You can see a deep black under my eyes because i cant sleep at all. If you ask me why i cant sleep, its the headache or my ear keep ringing or my eyes like pressed by someone or i cant breathe sometimes or i got sleep paralyze. Sometimes when i finally got to sleep i wake up with miserable feeling. A dream of old memories like a torture. I hate this. I hate that. Ive been living with this for years. Even right now my head hurts like hell writing this. Its like my head going to explode.

If i can trade my life with you i would. I would. Oh i would. I dont need this music talent at all that i hate right now. I dont need my good voice at all that i cant even try to sing anymore. I dont need my dying parents love at all. Dont you see they love you more than me right now. You are succesfull and not like me a trash. I dont need my kind heart that always help people in need and now no one help me. You know it feels so lonely at night at morning at evening at afternoon. Locking myself in my room feel safer because i wont get hurt someone wont get hurt.

You know if reborn did exist i dont want to be reborn. At all. I want to be a void. Leaving this toxic world that even your family cant help. I have no regret leaving this world. Dont worry. Actually I will feel so muchh better. Like a bigggggg biiiiggg stone lifted up from me. Karma does exist and i hope you dont get one.

I still remember that you said depression too when your wedding plan got cancelled because of covid. Yes you sure about it because you are a doctor. If you really have one then why you did all this to me when you see i try to die 2 times and countless of time cutting and choking myself and hitting my head with things. I wonder why you said that to me. To die drinking rat poison. To die as fast as i can. I wonder why you said that. I really wonder why. But you know if maybe you really have one, i hope yours wont get worsen like me. Dont be like me. Its not good or happy at all or once. Its painful really painful.

I dont know what to said anymore. But if you find this web and my diary. Hi its your lil sis. Ive been searching for help for years. Ive been searching for love and hug for years. Do you remember that last time we hug? I dont think so. Be happy sis live well and wlak the flower path. Hey dont cry its okay its all in the past.

Once i said this the past is not a past. The past is what makes me right now. So the past is now. So i dont know. But yeah i know you will move on. Nice to meet you again here.

From : Lil sis with a mushroom in the head

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

I’M THE ONE YOU’VE COME TO TALK TO. LEAVE A COMMENT

by OddOneOut
written by OddOneOut

What’s on your mind, bud? Talk to me.
I know you came on this website to see what people have to say, to see if you can leave any comments. And I also know that you want to leave comments on people to help them with the shit they’re going through.

SCREW THAT. THAT’S NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE. YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU NEED HELP, YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO’LL LISTEN.

I WILL LISTEN.

Leave a comment, let’s talk. I’ll listen. No judgement, no problem-solving (unless you want it). I’ll try my best to understand, I’ll try my best to here you until you’re through, and most importantly I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU. Talk to me, leave a comment.

To the admins: I’ve been here since 2012, if memory serves me. I’ve been to some of the deepest, shittiest parts of life and came back fighting with lots of psychedelics, booze, victories and losses. I’ve had an amazing amount of love thrown at me and have recently come back to this site with the intention of helping.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

We die, so liars don’t have to

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

Burden. Inconvenience. Deadweight. Those are the words I’d describe myself as lately. I’ve taken a month break from any contacts to my friends. And guess what.? No one fucking missed me…

I’ve received a ‘hey’ from two people and that was it, they didn’t try again. They simply didn’t notice. They simply didn’t care. It was hard for me, I’m a very affectionate person. I didn’t want to let myself get dragged down by that though. So what, if I’m the person that keeps the contact going right.? Wrong. Super duper wrong.

Just everyone that comes along bails on me, I don’t understand why… I have so much to give, I can always hold a conversation and I’m not someone to let you down. It’s like, the more I give, the more it backfires. Us humans want to save time on many things daily and we invented things to make that possible. But never would I have realized, that they want to save time regarding social interaction.

The top words in today’s conversations are: ‘Uff, Ok, Hey, How R U, Yeh, Cool, Nice, Sup, lol, lmao, g2g’ Wow, I’m just thrilled over these.! Been looking forward to talking to people all day and getting one of these words back. Thanks for carefully picking these out for me, I feel super special. While you’re at it, throw in an ‘Emoji’ too.! Just love them.!!!!!!

Maybe I should give up on keeping friends already. They’re never there and if they are, they bore me to pieces. Is it possible I’m just overlooking the kind people, that are willing to have a nice conversation.? Where are the soulful writers, the clingy folks and those, that aren’t able to work/go to school due to whatever reason.?

I’ve opened up to a person today and she was heartfelt and told me how great I was. And then suddenly she made up some half-assed lie to disappear immediately. And I kept seeing her coming back online. That stings, am I really that bad.? I really felt like she was being genuine and promised that we would be there for each other. I’d have many stories to tell, of the times I’ve encountered assholes. But that would be as thick as a novel.

I keep blaming myself, that maybe I’m just not good enough and should just disappear from everyone’s sight. I already think I’m annoying and pathetic but others are really opening my eyes lately. So maybe I should thank them for making me see the truth. That I should just die. If they can go without me for a month, they won’t care that I’m gone.

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GeneralRants

existential crises

by NumbExhaustion
written by NumbExhaustion

So I guess I’m having a crisis over art and gender. Idk my art style anymore and anything a draw/make isn’t good enough. It’s kinda stressing me out because art has been the one thing I could rely on. Idk. Also I’ve been feeling some derealization? Idk. It’s like nothing feels like it’s real but it’s not like the classic derealization/depersonalization/dissociation that psychologists know. Idk. But the derealization feels a lot like what I previously described as dysphoria so now I’m like what if I’m not actually nonbinary. Idk. bit stressed and overwhelmed and I feel like I should die? idk. Logically I know I shouldn’t but idk anymore.

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Chronic PainGeneralRants

it never ends

by pinkbaby331
written by pinkbaby331

Every day its the same thing, a deep pain inside of me that pushes me to have no motivation or will to live. It just keeps getting harder. All the people in my town are stuck up and have huge egos. No one ever cares. It is so hard to live in a world where everyone can just betray and ridicule me. I don’t want to be on this planet but I don’t want to be selfish either. No one understands how much they hurt me and they continue to step all over me. One day I will believe things are getting better and be happy im still alive, but then everyday for the next year just pushes me to the edge. Ive been bullied every since I was little and now im just so fucked up I don’t want to deal with it anymore. this one girl from my town posted a video after me and my ex broke up saying “they just broke up, im going to get with him so she wants to kill herself”. everyone just tries to hurt me. I don’t know how I will ever see the good in anything. it is so hard to believe anything that anyone ever tells me because everyone lies and deceits for their own benefit. Everyone has always just used me, whether it be for a ride, some weed, or sex. it just feels so horrible being alive in a world where I have no power even over my emotions. I don’t want to be here anymore, I just make my parents so disappointed because I can’t do anything and I have anxiety attacks all the time. this isn’t what living should feel like. I don’t want to be alone anymore, I just want to go back to where we all came from.

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Chronic PainGeneralRantsSuicidal Survivors

I’m never

by CARLOSPEJUAN
written by CARLOSPEJUAN

I’m looking at this math class the way David saw Goliath… But I don’t have a slingshot. My brain feels like I’m a fucking retard. It doesn’t process math. It cannot get SHIT right. I’m so angry and frustrated at myself for being slow in the head. Fuck my life. I just want to die right now. I’m praying for cancer or a stroke. But the truth is I’m healthy. I fucking hate myself at the moment. I have so much homework to do and so little time. And I can’t even get it right apparently. I’m tired of life’s trials. I just wanted to be successful. Why is it that life punishes me with shortcomings at every mother f-ing step of the way. First depression then ADHD, then schizophrenia and now learning disabilities. Fuck my life dude I’m so angry my head hurts. I’m so sad about it all though. I think I’m going to sleep. Not because I’m tired but because I don’t see the point of trying anymore.

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Chronic PainRants

How do you see your life?

by dampshadows59
written by dampshadows59

How do you see your life? Be honest, not to me, but to yourself. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and just think. These thoughts are something you never have to share, and might alter your viewpoint on the world slightly.  But, maybe not. I’m just curious how we’ve evolved to a world of depression and suicide. For anyone reading this, they have something. Access to a computer, a smart-phone or a tablet what have you. The ability to read English and thus more-than likely write it. For some this is a blessing, a privilege that a majority of the world can’t say they have. My question is, do you see that as a good thing or a bad thing? Do you thrive in the idea that you appreciate what you have, and you hope to use it to better yourself or the world? Or, is it the thing that causes you more pain? Would life be better if we were neanderthals again, no ability to speak or understand the fact that “I’m not good enough.” or “They’re better than me.” Survival was what proved that someone was worth more than others. So why now, in a world where we’re more connected and have access to millions of people across the world do we feel so alone?

Aside from that, one thing I can’t behind is the whole idea that hating everything is just depression. The first experience I had playing a video game, it was a drug. The experience clouding my judgement and views on reality. The first time I made a goal in basketball, or the first time I got an A. It’s like the stimulus dried out, and my brain doesn’t care for the overused feelings anymore. It’s like my body just purely doesn’t want to be happy, and I feel like the chemical imbalance is extremely abnormal. But, is it? With how the world looks now, there are so many suicides and depression is growing. What happened along the evolutionary line to cause us , the most advanced beings in the animal kingdom, to become our greatest weakness? My hatred for everything started small, blooming from the idea that my mom instilled in me. “You don’t HATE anything, you only DISLIKE things.” Pounded into me from a  young age, it’s still imprinted on my skull.

 

I didn’t hate until I felt defeat. I didn’t hate until I was bullied. I didn’t hate until I wasn’t good enough. But with each passing time I admitted it once more, I hate that. It spiraled out of control to a point where I can’t say I even like anything. I hate myself and how I look. The habits I’ve created and choices I’ve made. Did I do this to myself? I feel as though I let this word control me now, like a virus. It’s spread beyond control and honestly beyond cure. Life is miserable except for laughter and for hope. Once you’ve run both of those dry, whats left but the suffering? I feel like now that I’m there, with no hope for myself or the dreams that died long ago that I am here to create laughter. For anyone that’ll listen, and anyone that needs it. What do you do when you feel your only purpose is to help other people not feel the suffering? Do hopes and dreams ever re-build themselves? I’m not so sure, and honestly I can’t be hopeful. On a last note, I’d say memories might be something that keeps us stable. So dwelling on the good times might be a saving grace.

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GeneralRants

I feel lost.

by honeyc0mb
written by honeyc0mb

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like an idiot but I’m honestly hanging by a thread and at this point I’m just looking for some sign that this isn’t all pointless and that I’m actually going to be okay. Everybody has told me it’ll get better for years. It’s only gotten worse and worse so I feel desperate and stupid. I hate depression. I’m so tired of being in pain every day from something I can’t even control. It physically hurts my heart at this point, it’s so powerful. I just want it to stop. What’s the point in any of this? I’ll never be anything worthwhile so I’m honestly just wasting space on earth. Please make it stop.

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GeneralRants

Depressed again

by lifeissuffering
written by lifeissuffering

So today my idiotic super religious nut job mom accused me of bullshit i I didn’t do again. And same as always sge didnt let ne me explain anything to her. She just went on and about How Gawd isnt going to bless me because im a lair and I need to get right and blah blah. Which to me is fucking hypocritical coming from this *****, she beat me with a belt naked all the time when i was young over bullshit i didnt do or because i bought home a bad grade. Now that im to old for her to hurt physically she retorts to name calling and threats of eternal damnation because she bend over and let a guy that barely spoke fucking English cum insider her. Btw sidenote here, but why do black people worship a God that the slave masters forced on them and then whoop their kids just like the masters did.
Anyway im half black half Hispanic so please save the sjw bullshit.

Shit like this makes me hate my mom the most since she’s such a **** that used God as her shield.

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