Ten years ago I found my depression, and lost my mind
Nine years ago I found my first razor, and lost my body
Eight year ago I found the pill bottle, and nearly lost my life
Seven years ago everyone found out I was gay
Six years ago I lost my ROTC scholarship
Five years ago I lost my friends
Four years ago I lost my family
Three years ago I lost the national championship
Two years ago I lost my passion
Last year I lost my best friend (and soul mate)
Six months ago I lost motivation
Last week I lost my sanity
Yesterday I lost my strength
Today I lost all hope
but tomorrow I’ll find a solution
Category:
Rants
In this space
My eyes are open
But in reality, they’re closed
There is nothing around me
But darkness
And I sit
Waiting for something
Anything
And it comes
Whatever it was
It was a darkness unwelcoming
It brought about truths, lies, and all things in the dark
I hide
And wish for that darkness
For the night the savior arrives
It visits me every night
Coming like a wave of pure black night
Washing over me
Cleansing
Removing
Ridding the scars the other one left
I swam in an ocean of freedom
The scars gone
A light flashed
Intrigued, I reached towards it
It brought me back to life and burned me
I wanted to let go
I wanted to swim in the dark ocean forever
But, I was too weak
Too afraid to let go
Too afraid to save myself
So I shut myself
And let it drag me about
I’ll do whatever it wants
Until the night the savior comes
For the rest of eternity
Coming
And washing away
All that was left of the day
I want to start off by saying I’ve been coming on this site for 5 years now and reading all your stories and finding comfort in them. I haven’t had the urge to make an account and speak my truth till now. I feel extremely defeated by life. I am 24 and I’m ready to go. I’ve struggled with mental illness for about 13 years now and it progressively gets worse as I get older. I believe it all stemmed when I was 5, I was raped by a family remember repeatedly for 2 years. I was very young but I knew what was happening was wrong , I told my mom and she didn’t believe me. Everyone in my family thought I was lying. At school I passed a note telling someone what happened to me and I remember getting suspended for it. Nothing was ever done about it. So as I grew older I’ve always had self esteem issues and been in and out of mental hospitals. I have tried all kinds of medicine and different doctors even did some bullshit hypnosis because I have literally tried everything under the sun. I asked for a lobotomy and apparently I don’t qualify because I don’t take the anti psychotics they give me. I don’t take them because they sedate me and make me feel so apathetic when really I’m a very caring emotional person. My self esteem issues have put me in relationships with men who could careless about me. I’m always getting cheated on or left for someone else. This destroys me and just makes me think what the hell is wrong with me. Why does everyone leave ? Why am I never good enough ? So I thought I found someone who truly loved me. We were together 3 years (yeah not a lot to some people) and I had two miscarriages with this person. He never showed up to the hospital when I was having neither of them, he also left me for another woman while I was pregnant with the second baby. This destroyed me of course and I got extremely low and sick and my baby also ended up passing away at 11 weeks. I come to find I have a gene mutation called MTHFR (yeah I’m not joking that’s the acronym) that is the cause to my miscarriages and mental and physical illnesses. The doctor told me I’m basically going infertile and it will be extremely hard for me to ever have a kid. As a woman, it has devastated me and thrown me into a dark hole. Not that women are only here to procreate but me, I, have always wanted to be a mother. When I heard that I shut down and started experiencing depersonalization and agoraphobia where I didn’t leave my house for 8 months. I grew extremely scared of people and my own psych. I began to force myself to leave the house one week and I met somebody. An older man, 23 years my senior. He of course does not look his age so I began speaking to him and he just made me feel so good about myself like no one has before. We began to date shortly after that, he was amazing. He began to change later on becoming verbally abusive and even physically abusive one time, I still adored him with all my being. I’ve been seeing him about a year and a half now but have recently caught him seeing another woman. I am destroyed. It has happened once again, I am never enough for someone no matter what I do. I’m afraid it’s just going to be a continuous cycle my whole life. Just going to attract people who don’t ever truly love me and I’m never going to have the kids I’ve always wanted. Not only do I want to die because of this but I’ve been currently homeless and jobless for 2 months thanks to this pandemic. I just see no silver lining coming anytime soon and I believe it’s my time to go. If you have gotten this far into my post, I greatly appreciate you for reading and giving it your attention. I simply had to let it all out in writing once and for all.
Today OI’m actually kind of sad. MAN FUCK THIS WORLD. I just had to buy an expensive car that lord know how I’m gonna pay for due to my roommate needing rides. I wish I was already in a good place in life where I could afford this but the truth is that I’m not. Literally don’t know where else to post this. OH and as for the old car it took a big old shit on me and my life. FUCK PATRICIA ( MY OLD CAR) the repairs will cost me about 3500 plus 600 for a miss fire she has. So I need to get rid of the *****. IDK how. Nobody’s buying cars and IDK where I can dump it to just let that be someone else’s headache. I hould have sold her sooner. Too bad
i didn’t know better. Ignorance is a sad thing. Take it from an idiot. I am so stupid and easily used. I just wanna disappear now. honestly fuck my life.
As for the song. Today all the good girls go to hell. Fuck me, fuck EVERYTHING.
My lovely bluebird
My cute dove
My beloved
And all your likes
Spread your wings and soar
Soar!
High above the trees
The mountains
Spread your wings
My loves
And soar!
Soar high above the land dwellers
Soar!
Theyll watch in envy as your wings graze the heavens
My beauties
My lovelies
My beloved
Ill watch from below
Far below
From below the land dwellers
Ill watch
As your feathers graze the heavens
Ill use them
Ill thank you
Your feathers replacing mine
Your feathers repairing
My tearing
My weary
My torn
Wings
Hopefully Ill soar
Hopefully well soar
Hopefully
One day
Above the heavens
Well sing
Me
And my fellow torches
Deep within the caverns
Cold
Unlit
Me
And my fellow torches
At the entrance
Burning bright
My torch
Is it burning bright?
Has it been burning bright?
Forevermore?
My torch
Has it been cold
Unlit
Forevermore?
Did you
Light my torch
To a crisp?
Did you
Drown my torch
Out cold?
Our torches
The rumble
The wave
The earthquake
The tsunami
How am I to get it back?
Through the bottomless sea
Through the fire
Behind the island
Behind the boulder
Deep within the Earth
My torch
Where can it be?
Our torches
Whatever has become of them?
Come
Come hither
Come hither
Come
Come hit
Come hit
Hit me
Like a tidal wave
(Like a tidal wave (tidal wave))
Hesitating?
Hesitating when
Smacked in the face?
By whom?
I havent moved an inch
Are you sane?
Insane?
Im sane
Going insane
Dont look at me like that
You hit
I take
With each and every passing day
I loose another piece
The world should just swallow me whole
Swallow me
Into purgatory
Into the depths of hell
I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere but hell
One moment it’s hell
The second, a marathon
The third, mass homicide
The fourth, peace
The fifth, what more is there to say?
‘Cinnamon isn’t sweet. My thoughts they are filled with fear over this future. Sure I’m not depressed, but I am schizophrenic, jobless and stupid. ‘m afraid there isn’t a better future in hand. But, I want there to be. When did life become so complicated? When did the things we hate become that which we need in order to survive? When did Taxes, jobs, educations become life? What happened to games, and playing, and loving, and cheerfulness? What happened to our childhood? Why is this so hard? I mean now that I’m not depressed life hits me like a ton of briks. Can’t win for losing with this. It feels like there’s so much to this and I cant make ends meet. I don’t know what to do. I’ts like I’m constantly drowning and the little progress I make is when i slap the water. But that isn’t progress, I’m not getting safer with that, I’m not getting closer to shore or out of the water, I’m just trying not to sink. I wonder if anyone else feels this way. Maybe it’s just me.
Done with me
Sick of me
Whatever led
That vent
To be clogged
There will be no apology
Since the very beginning
My dislike runs deeper than her hatred
My endurance runs longer than her temper
Ive lasted longer
Why are you
Done with me
Sick of me
So soon?
I shouldve been
Sick of you
Done with you
Long before you
Yet
Its the other way around
How do
How do I
Flip this back
Should I flip it back
I dont think
It
Matters
Anymore
I wanted from others what those I trusted could not give me
I want not from others what those I trusted could not give me
I don’t trust them enough
But, hypothetically, if they could give me what I want
I’m afraid, I’m too clingy, I’m too needy
Eventually it’ll be too much
I don’t trust them
yes
smoke them cigs and have the remnants in your lungs
coiling your insides like a snake
until you die
–
you can’t fight what’s already growing inside
you can’t fight what you did to yourself
you can’t fight your instincts
you can’t fight the seed you planted yourself
you can’t undo the cigarette you just smoked
To add on the story of Juliet, he did it Romeo left you because you weren’t perfect, it’s okay but it’s not because you couldn’t live without him so next thing you know you stop writing because you where in the hospital you relapsed and took magic candy’s that can make you go away but people care so you where in the hospital. You are no longer happy with yourself because you without him is like a circus without a clown. But he’s the clown because he hurt you for the 5th time so maybe he’s not the clown but you are for falling a toxic piece of shit. A piece of shit that could have killed you. You’re better off without him but he’s a drug. He’s your drug and you’re addicted. But… nothing can numb the pain that you feel because you’re broken because of him. Sleeps numbs the pain the Romeo did. I love him… But I shouldn’t.
Little cacti, little cacti
Look at you
Absorbing all that water
Won’t you ever wilt?
Little cacti, you remind me of quicksand
Absorbing everything and anything
Even lies
Sometimes I do wonder
What would happen if lava came in contact with quicksand?
Or bombs that might sink in?
Will the sand be reduced to nothing?
Will the bombs ever explode within the sand?
Nothing lasts forever
Do you ever wonder what happens to the things that sink into the sand?
Little cacti, you take the lies and perceive them to be the truth
But one day, the quicksand will grow weary and become tar
Just like it’s former self, little cacti,
It’ll absorb all the lies
But dissolve them to nothing
Dissolve to nothing
Dissolve
To nothing
You can’t just give them one thing and then give me another. When I try to make the same thing you’d yell at me, forbidding me from eating it. I’d understand if you’d just say you were saving it for them, they’re young and whatnot. But I can tell that you just don’t want me to eat like them because I’m still fat and haven’t lost enough weight for you. It makes me upset and I’d rather not eat anything whatsoever but then you’d make yet another dish and invite me for a bite. I’d decline and you’d threaten me saying I might as well starve myself if I can’t appreciate your hard work and all this other dumb shit. The funny thing is that whenever there are leftovers you’d shy away not wanting to eat them and gain weight forcing me to eat it and guilt tripping me, practically threatening me to finish it all. And yet, you call me fat.
You know what? I might as well accept it at this point. It’s not even that bad, I have a pot belly is all. Sure, I look like I’m three months pregnant with my stomach out and thin ass arms but fuck you if you’re gonna be a ***** about it
Little demon, little demon
Following the children on their left
Following the adults on their left
Whispering their deepest desires
Whispering the worst for others but not for them
Whispering the worst for them. All of them.
Little angel, little angel
Following the children on their right
Following the adults on their right
Whispering the best choice to make
Whispering the best for others, for themselves
My little demon, my little demon
Offering the best for me
On my left
Offering peace of mind
Showing me the monsters of the day and the monsters of the night
Teaching me to embrace the dark
Showing me how much reality differs from my nightmares
Always there beside me, in the shadows
Always ready to give a hug when I’m at my lowest
My little angel, my little angel
How you differ from the stories told about you
Those stories never mentioned any claws
Claws of which you sink into me
On my right
Claws of which you use to tear away what was beneath my skin
The stories never mentioned the chain you keep at your waist
The chain you use to shackle and limit my movement
The chains that you use to keep me tied to you
The stories mentioned of a sword you use to ward of my demon
The stories never mentioned you using the sword to stab me
Is physical abuse all you know?
My little angel, my little angel
I could ask the same for my great demon
My little demon, my little demon
I thank you for the wings you’ve offered to me
But, is emotional abuse all you know?
My little angel, my little demon
Don’t tell me it was fate
Don’t say the bird eats the flies
Don’t say the flies will eat the bird when it’s dead
It’s not karma
Giving and receiving in a voluntary manner
Isn’t karma
You won’t find the dead
With a hole in their head
And have them do the same to you
An innocent passerby
So don’t say it was fate
Just signed up for a class. I think it’s for me to be able to say I tried more than anything. Still schizophrenic still on disability, still kind of a loser at the moment. I’m trying to read more. My mom and I try to learn new words together. Things are pretty stable, but I really want to find my calling. I’m so frustrated with myself for not being more. I’m so frustrated that I am single, I’m so angry that I lost touch with beautiful people. I feel so sorry for myself. But, I’m working on it. I need to succeed. I need to get out of this rut. I suggest if you read this and you feel stuck, work on it. 🙂 I believe in you. Besides you’re gonna die anyways. Die Trying
A few months ago, I felt like I had an epiphany of sorts. I felt like I might’ve been the only person that exists and I’m in control because nothing truly bad could happen to me no matter what. But recently, I’m not so sure. If I was the only thing that existed, why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel so pointless? Why isn’t my life good? Why do I want to just end it? Why aren’t I comfortable in my own body? Why do I have to rely on antidepressants to make me feel “normal?” I wish I couldn’t feel and I didn’t give a shit about what anyone thought. I wish nothing made me tick. I can’t stand being me anymore. Nothing exists, not even me. All of this is a simulation to see how long a program can last before terminating itself. This is a game I wouldn’t mind losing. I feel like shit and I want it to stop. Every time I speak I hate my voice, I hate my ideas, I hate the people I speak to. The only person I give a shit about is my mother but I’m such a hard ass and can’t offer her the appreciation or love she deserves. This message is all over the place but I haven’t been able to vent in forever and I can’t stand bringing other people into my angst and I need to just dump everything out whether it makes sense or not. I wish I saw my therapist more and I wasn’t so paranoid to tell her everything I feel and think. I don’t care if medicine and therapy is a government tool to control and correct you, I feel too shitty to be on my own and I want to die otherwise. I keep thinking about suicide, but I can’t leave my mother.
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