i’m ugly.
i’m untalented.
i have no friends.
i haven’t attended school for two years.
my family are abusive.
my life is a mess, and i can’t clean it up.
i have nothing going for me,
and i am going nowhere.
i’ve ruined myself and my life.
Have you felt like you can just never do anything right? All you want is to make something right but every time you try, it only gets messier?
I have been like that for a while now. Iam far from being a ” normal person”. Everyone wants to mould me into someone they need. And yet I try, only so that I could feel accepted for once. Feel loved for once. And guess what happens?
Everything I think I have something or someone, I only end up losing them.
Everyone seem to need me once in a while and every time, I ask for an ounce of care,
…
TL;DR- I used to be a good kid, then I ruined myself and tried to abandon school. I’ve had such a bumpy ride but it never stopped going downhill. I am so lost and the pressure is getting to me deeply. I want to end it all but I still feel guilt eating at me for leaving my family to suffer.
I want to start off by saying that I used to be happy, energetic and was, at some point, an intelligent kid. I was responsible and did school work and homework on time. Fast forward to 8th grade where the real problems began. I developed …
Nipping at your heels
The nothing that steals
Seething, breathing
I can’t stand this feeling
Manifesting itself, in the hidden shelf
Of your mind
The hellscape in yourself, that you find
Real or not
It’s coming
Ready or fraught
Never whole again
Time stands still
The nothing that you feel
It’s like you’ve been here before
The blackness within
Fruitless battles rival, original sin
It’s so deeply ingrained
You can’t wash away the stain
It feels like you’ve slipped away
You know you’ll never sleep again
I thought about it a thousand times and did it once. It was a few years ago. The reason you ask? loneliness. I never told anyone what happened that night, not even my therapist. It DOES sound and feel stupid: I realized I like someone, after all those years of loneliness now there’s actually someone I like. But there was also a problem, what if, that person did not want me? now the pain would double up as if it wasn’t enough already. or the alternative, I told myself imagine you’re in a relationship but would that end every pain of yours? of course not, …
This is a rant.
Why have leaf blowers that are loud as f*** and cost hundreds or thousands of dollars when you can easily just get an effing rake? Or broom. Does the job without being loud as s***. Not to mention it guzzles gas and is bad for the environment just cuz Americans are too damn lazy to move their arms back and forth to sweep.
Wouldn’t it actually cost LESS to pay someone to sweep rather than to use an expensive giant leaf blower? They’re so slow, and LOUD. Then again, maybe the sweeping sound is …
I pinch my fat in the mirror and wonder, why? Why is this still here? Why am I not strong enough to stop eating or at least excercise more to get rid of this horrible thing? Many people say I’m “thin,” but they are just saying this. My thighs are thick, my stomach is far from flat, and i can’t stand to wear anything revealing, even in private.
I can’t stand to look at my face in so I try to avoid mirrors. Why is my nose so small, my forehead so big, my eyebrows so light, and my mouth look so weird and stupid, especially …
I have work at 7:30 am tomorrow so I really should be asleep right now… but I just wanted to express myself a little I guess… I’m doing better rn than I have been for the last few days… I’ve been in my room with the lights off, not eating or communicating with anyone.. but sleeping A LOT.. I love to sleep.. sooo much.. why? The same reason a lot of you guys may love to sleep too… to escape reality. I can’t get over how evil people can be. I’ve lost over $2,000 within the last 6 months. Im not well off at all..this …
On what planet is 87.46 + 10.92 = 100.48?
This is a rant. I’m trying to order something online and their website is broken. I wasn’t annoyed until I chat with the CSR who is totally unhelpful and irritating.
SUBTOTAL $87.46
SHIPPING ECONOMY GROUND $5.00
SHIPPING DISCOUNT – $5.00
SALES TAX …
Ok…so…I just feel like I need to vent and get my thoughts out….
so, first off, my mom treats me like crud. She blames me for things I didn’t do, has called me a b*tch on multiple occasions, I get in trouble for the things my littlest sister does most of the time, she’s spanked me, smacked me, and so on. And she’s fake. She fakes her personality around everyone except me, my dad, and my sisters. Also, she’s told me to never show any emotion other than happiness and to keep my opinions to myself. I’ve stopped doing both, mind you, but whenever I bring …
it’s been a while since the last time i posted anything here, but right now i feel like i just need to type stuff out.
lots of things have been happening lately, the biggest thing being i moved. i was okay for a while, feeling pretty neutral, which at this point is great. but it’s only been getting worse for some reason, nothing significant has happened. i’ve been feeling very weird these past few days though, i can’t feel anything. it’s like i’m numb for some reason? yesterday i met a youtuber i really admire and i thought i’d be so happy but i didn’t feel …
I hate that my “friends” are all friends with my rapist – they claim not to be but they very obviously are. Always talking to him, laughing with him, partying with him, visiting his place, cooking for him at one point fucking him. I wish they could see how deteriorating this is. Its not enough to say I should be the one to say don’t hang out with him. if some guy that you say you’re only acquaintances with rapes you’re friend you get rid of the guy. Don’t make excuses as to why you continue to get close to him and apologise and continue …
Depression and anxiety have been kicking in for quite some time, definitely for long enough to make me believe there’s nothing that could help me. I feel like every bit of happiness has been sucked out of my life and replaced with void and darkness.
I remember I used to feel alive, I used to have some hope, I used to laugh without any problems, because something was funny because I was just feeling good at the moment.
And now it’s all gone. I wake up from nightmares every night, I can’t think straight, I always feel so bad. I think about ending my life …
I Hate Myself. It’s as simple as that. I hate everything about myself. I hate everything I do. My friends and family never get it. I don’t blame them though, I’m actually glad they don’t know how this feels. This is just gonna be me talking trash abut myself, so be warned 🙂
I hate how I look. My bumpy, uneven, and dark skin. My crooked teeth. My chinky, uneven eyes and eyebrows. My grey, oval lips (yeah, I have no cupid’s bow). My big, oily forehead. My chubby cheeks. My short fingers. My weird nails. My smile. My low voice. My hairy arms …
Do you ever actually have a good day for once, and then it takes a sharp turn?
i had had a decent week. People had actually talked to me, I slept and ate better than usual, and I didn’t feel as bad as I normally do.
However, I came home today and it slapped me in the face. Depression.
“Why did you think you could escape me, you pathetic fuck? You will never be normal, you aren’t allowed to feel “happy.”
I stagger up but depression shoves me back down, towards my razor blades.
“No one will ever fucking love you. Those people you think like you, are …
i almost hate everything. and i’m most dissatisfied with all things.
but i had some frozen yogurt today with my two friends and it was the first day of school. i dislike being so young and feeling this way—everyone says you shouldn’t have to feel this way at such a young age?
but i realized after i sat down with the two of them and was looking forward to enjoy a small bowl of frozen yogurt, i had immediately thought that i’d rather be in my bed listening to some vast silence that i’ve come to love.
everyone was so nice and so kind and so was i. …
I remember the first time I told someone in person that I had attempted suicide many times. I had just forfeited a debate round and my coach was furious. I was talking off my anxiety with the girl I still love today (4 years later).
I was walking on one of those concrete walls next to stairs outside, this one more tall than usual, personally I’m terrified of falling/heights. So to calm myself down I try to do something that is more terrifying than my thoughts, that’s how I overcome my anxiety attacks. So anyway I’m pacing back and forth on this wall talking to my friend and I just said “sometimes I just wish I’d fall off and die in a freak accident” and she just looks at me horrified (I don’t typically talk to anyone about personal things). She says “that’s not something to joke about” I simply told her that it wouldn’t be the first time I’d tried. She asked how many times and I told her I’d lost count. We left it at that.
I think the things that surprised me the most is that firstly it was actually fairly easy to tell someone and secondly that she had no idea.
Now I started this off by saying it was the first time I’ve told someone; however, it’s also the only time. Every other person never asked. How can someone have had ton of siblings and attempted many times over 8 years and no one notice?
My guess is they did.
It’s been a long time. A lot has happened. I started having pain in Jan-Feb this year and found out I’ve got arthritis on the level of an 80-90 year old and I need my knees replaced within this year. Of course I can’t get that because I’m on state care. It’s rapidly degenerating and I face being in a wheelchair unable to do anything for myself. The nerve damage has gotten worse and I can’t feel anything but PAIN in my hands and feet and it makes it hard to wipe my ass just because it’s so painful to hold on to the toilet …
I receive no justice for my rape, no friends to comfort or care about me, failed hopes and dreams, a family who have no understanding or provide no solace for the pain I have been through and no love to somehow be my hero and rescue me form hellish existence. Somehow I’m suppose to live and persevere through the misery and turmoil I suffer through now for some false pretense of a better future. FUCK THAT!!! I’m tired of seeing life as precious as they do. I’m tired of living by their rules. I’m getting my escape and I don’t give a fuck whose fake …
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