Category:

I Will Survive

I did this, you can too.

Where is this going?

by RoSe98 2/16/2020

written by RoSe98

I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I never said i was a good person. Ive always said i was a bad person. Am i? But is there really a black and white definition of a good person or a bad person? Most would say its your actions that speak your truth. But everyone has been horrid or a little rude to someone and everyone has been the slightest bit sweet to another. Where is the breaking point? Where is the point of no return? When does good become bad…and can you have a come back?
I ask you this because ive been cruel and ive been sweet but i have no clue which side of the bar i stand on. Ive ruined people. I have hurt them so deep they wont beable to forget my face or the words that have pierced them like a thousand razor blades. The scar only worsened by its resurfacing in the mind. But i have also been a person that has helped someone off the ledge. Held theyre hand in the deepest darkest depths of hell and gave them the courage to climb theyre way out. Well i cant say i did that. They did it themselves. They only heard words and turned them into something beautiful.
I feel no matter how much i try to become better my sins with be latched to me as shackles dragging me closer and closer to hell. Ive watched what ive said, what ive done. ive been more courtious. But the thoughts…my thoughts are like a wild fire. Spreading to every bone nerve and cell. Hoping to take all the anger, the hurt,betrayal and spreading it to everyone like the plague. Rain a million arrows over there sky till they can no longer see the sun shine. Why should they be happy? what did they do right? What did i do wrong to turn into such a twisted mess?
But then sometimes theres this other voice that comes to light. No one deserves to be in pain. No one should feel alone or that the world is against them. That no matter how locked away or how small they make themselves…they’re never safe. That theres no peraon or place left to go.
Ik ik the question is, “where are you going with this?”
The honest truth is i have no idea. I have no voice in my day to day interactions. This is a place to be heard.
Heres my story of wherei am today. If your willing. For all i know youve scrolled on.
I grew up in fairport till i was 7. My mom split when i was 2. I was left when my father and my sister. My dad was a sad, angry man. For a good 6 years my dad couldnt handle the sight of my sister and i because we reminded him of our mother too much. We stayed with my older sister and her kids a lot. Shes considered crazy by doctors. So why he thought that was a good situation is beyond me. But remember when i did see my father he was always cry. Sometimes i cried with him. We left fairport to rochester to be closer to my sister and near his job. I jad to say goodbye to my few friends. Thats when life started to get lonely. I only had a sister i fought with constantly and a father who was always mad. He’d scream a lot. My escape was staying at my older sisters. My neices and nephews were fun to play with. Until one wasnt. My neice was fucked up by another person. She did things to me she shouldnt have because they were being done to her. I was 8, she was 12. This was the firat rime i wanted to die. She told me if i wanted cash to talk to her step dad. I being 8 didnt think much of it. Never visited again. She endes up pregnant and her step dad ended up in prison. My older sister got onto bad terms with my dad so i never got to see them till way later.
I entered my new school in 3rd grade. No one talked to me and i was very quiet and shy. Pluse i was a weird kid. They were worried about me to so would always send me to talk to someone in school. I didnt make ant friends for a few years. In 5th grade the teacher made a rule no one could sit alone so i didnt sit alone.
The only reson i ended up with friwnds was yth grade this girl wouldnt leave me alone until i agreed we were friends. She introduced me to my future nightmare, mags. Mags and i were inseperable until 10th grade when she got caught drinking underage. She got me into drinking,smoking, ya know…bad stuff haha she moved away to her. (More to her later)But right before she did she introduced me to my second worst nightmare. Jake. I thought it was love at first sight.i was 15. We talked all summer long while he was on vacay. He came back and he imediatwly cheated on me. I easily fargave him but it was the wrong choice. We had a 4 yr toxic relationship…raised voices,slapping, pushing…i thiught it was love…it wasnt. One day a nice morning with the sunlight shining in we were in his bed. I was 17. We’d already done it. But..this time ws different. I didnt want to. I pushed him away until it didnt work. With all the shock in my body. Nothing came out. Not even a whisper…no words. This was the second time i wanted to die. I tried to o.d. on pills i vomited and went back to life like nothing happened.
Time passed and i gained some new friends. Bry and pugz. I still to this day dont know what id do without bry. My conscience, my rock. Pugz still a great funny girl.Mags came back and she brought raina with her. We were what most considered stoners. Till i went to the wrong dealer. I started to find a new frenzy in the worst of times.we come back to this.
I graduated high school barely. I was told i was lucky. I passes by the skin of my teeth. I disnt know what i was going to do. I went to beauty school to find out it wasnt meant for me. Instead of doing anything worth while. I hung out with friends all the time, getting high, dping nothing. One random day in the summer K (old friends ex i was therapist buddies with, told each other everything) wanted to chill and go see a movie. We chilled for a while drove around. We randly tickeled each other. Until je said kewp it up he’ll pull over. I tried to call hia blufd but he did. At a random garage. I got out smoked ww chit chated. We got back in the car still talking. He tickled me so i tickled back..
But then he reached over and put my seat back. He got on top of me grinding his body on mine. I didnt want anything. I said to stop.He kissed and licked my neck and whispered i know you want to. I told him no but he continued what he was doing. ” ur telling me this isnt what you want”. I said no. He pushed himself against me one more time before getting off. I cried all the way home. A moment i learned no matter how close u cant trust anyone.(he contacted me a few days ago asking to chill, we talked about him seeing a movie with his girl it was theyre first date… The movie we were supposed to see that night, my stomach churned at the memory)
….I kept up with my secret nose candy. No one new except a few. Dating someone whos friends with a dealers girl makes it hard to to continue. Thay relationship was based aeound the drug and endes abruptly and it was the first rime i tried to be clean…but then i found zac…someone i still love to this day..best 6 months of my life it felt like. Partying, making lots of friends, i got skinny and felt beautiful, i had a decent job. But under the fun mask i felt lost in my past and broken down…the drug was my way to cope and to blend in. He dumped me…and i spiraled put of control until i ended up in rehab. I feel like it gave me a fresh start. I met so many people i could relate to. But when i lwft my safe haven was gone and ot felt like i was back where i started. Beoken and scared.
I moved in woth my mom amd my step dad who were having problems. I told my mom stuff my step dad told me and he kicked me out after 2 months. I guess u shouldnt tell ur mom ir step dads sewing and talking to his ex….moves back in woth my dad i was around my friends but after being gone for so long they didnt feel like my friends anymore. Except bry, zac, pugz and mags. Mags moved in when i moved back. Zac was so sweet to me again. We started the flame again. But one night he had to work l, a guy i went to high school with asked me if i wanted to go to a fire with him and his friend. It was in the woods. We were all drinking. We all jumped into the cold creek. I remember laying by the fire to warm up. I blacked out or passed out idk but I came to when i realized a dick was being shoved to the back of my throat top speed. The other trying to fuck me. I pushed them off and grabbed my shoes and ran out of the woods as fast as i could. When i got home i was locked out. I had to call mags bf to unlock the door. I still regret not calling the cops but i jist wanted it to be over. Thats all ive ever wanted was for all of this shit to be over. A few days later i relapsed on coke and tried to kill myself.
Why is it at that point people come around? People acting like they care when they barely did before.
I honestly cant remember the point of writing any of this. All ik is mostly everyone is gone. My dad and i barely say words.same with my mom. I just work and come home like a robot. I sont want to feel anything. Everyday i think about eope and a bridge but i dont do it. Thinking aboit how to do it calms my nerves.makes me think if all else fails…theres my solution. But i wont. But i want to. But i wont. I cant. I cant hurt anyone. So im trapped in my mind bubble expecting it to burst at any second…but it doesnt. I am 21 yrs and i dont even know if time will change anything.

2/16/2020 3 comments

Chronic Pain Family & Friends Effects General I Will Survive My Suicide Note Poetry & Art Rants Stories of Hope Stories of Loss Suicidal Survivors

Life is not fair

by niki 2/9/2020

written by niki

Life is not fair

Some people are lucky,
Some people are not

Some people live a successful & happy life,
Some people fail miserably & even commit suicide

Everything is just only a random chance

The universe doesn’t care
We are just only a tiny little speck of dust in this vast universe

Nothing matters.

2/9/2020 3 comments

Chronic Pain Coping Skills Family & Friends Effects I Will Survive Rants Stories of Hope Stories of Loss

1115 Days…

by JCITM 2/9/2020

written by JCITM

One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe. It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence? Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening. The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to. When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces. You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park. There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children. Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been? Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life? Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy. One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment. Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults. Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine. They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel. Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed. I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier. Continue to rest in peace.

2/9/2020 4 comments

Chronic Pain Family & Friends Effects General I Will Survive My Suicide Note Poetry & Art Rants Stories of Hope Stories of Loss Suicidal Survivors

To grow up and being an adult (adulthood) is overrated and depressing

by niki 2/7/2020

written by niki

When we grow up into being an adult, often we are pressured to be “realistic”. But at what cost? Too often, especially when you’re not ‘lucky/fortunate’ enough, all this whole “adulthood” and “grow up” things just turned us into a jaded, weary, bitter, cynical, apathy, limited, empty, cold, sad, & depressed person/individual..

The young, youthful, carefree, freespirit, creative, lively, happy, & dreamy/dreamer “child” / “childhood” in us often times slowly have died.. as we grow up into being an adult..

And for many people, it also usually means that we have to “let go”, or to be more honest & real, I would say that we are being pressured to kill our dreams..

Reality is cruel, cold, disappointing, very limiting, mundane/boring, stupid, pointless/meaningless (often times), & depressing.. especially for some of us who have fully realized it & wake up to the harsh truth.

2/7/2020 6 comments

Chronic Pain General I Will Survive My Suicide Note Rants Stories of Hope

I wanna end this quick

by Coracora 1/23/2020

written by Coracora

For the past week, I am not feeling myself lately and this is not relatively a new feeling, but this past week has been more aggressive than its ever been and culminating today was the disaster i dont wanna think it is , but dismissing so , would not just be denial but also forthright i donno what, i am at a loss for flowery words, right now the only thought pulsing through my mind, is that i have to end this the quickest way possible i want to jump off a cliff,possibly a tavern, hack my heart with an axe, bleed till i die, but the moment i think i might end up with a botched up whatever suicide attempt, would make me feel worse than the most repulsive beggar in say an eternal time plane., for i dont believe finding beggars on earth repulsive is bad morality, i respect every being on earth equally,that term was just meant to signify my emotional and mental being and state right now, it is as if everything primal , normal and just everything in my life is slipping away from me. Parents of one of the members in my family passed away and another member who i was close too all my childhood is an emotionally stunted adult who might as well hack me to death just by emotionally stunting me sooner or later. He/She is an awesome person though.I am not crying for attention from abuse or anything.That doesnt me lack thereof either.Its like my apocalypse is today.Another person is not going through a good weather either.Its like my whole family is thrown into a shredder and the whole world , even trash who is just good at nothing but cheap and mediocre politics and manipulation is derisively mocking at me, since hey my weather is the worst.
Thoroughly unrelated to the drama , I also kinda like a person whos forbidden sweet, whom i knew only for three months and its been a year and im sure he/shes forgotten all about me, but sometimes i just feel i wanna leave everything and wanna spend the rest of my life wrapped in his/her arms.But I also know,probably that person would probably have forgotten though im sure he/she had a deep mutual emotional connection or was it just a fake skindeep thing and that person might actually find me repulsive in my current state of despair, and anyway he/she could just put me in a stranger bracket and maybe ill never get to even encounter him or her or even if i did never be nearly proximal again, but right now though my current state has nothing to do with a triviality like a boy or a girl fancy,makes me think a life spent in his/her arms would just be enough or even death in his arms with him/her not being indifferent to me would be enough, or

maybe i am using a boy/girl fancy distraction as an escapade to the hellish nightmare i am in right now.
sorry for wasting all your time

and maybe i am a stranger to everyone on earth and i just deserve to hack myself with an axe and bleed myself till i die. Though i know human flesh is not butter but sinew and that process is too violent for not meek but genuine and earnest me. I know reading this, already quite a lot of people are sneering on me, disgusted abt me, thinking i am a loser, but i am not, i have been the toughest and valiant with glorious failures and few contentment which was rationally good. But right now i m kinda in my early to mid twenties and i am scared where life is going, that maybe when im thirty itll just end up being a routine i want to die. and life today now this moment is more excruciating than i could have ever imagined. I wanna die before anything else falls apart. Its life every positive force in my body is soul sucked out of me. Hope im not creating despair by last statement to any reader here.Whatever shit im going through i know u must have urs of ur own magnitude as well, so out of pure love, i want you to know, i am sending love.
Thank you,
If i am dead , please observe one moment of silence for me,
if i end up surviving this, thank you for giving me this platform to write it out now.
Anyway right now its quite schrodingers cat isnt it.
With love,
CoraCora

1/23/2020 1 comment

Chronic Pain Family & Friends Effects General I Will Survive My Suicide Note Poetry & Art Rants Stories of Hope Stories of Loss Suicidal Survivors

Being a good and nice person is not enough

by niki 12/17/2019

written by niki

You also must be ‘smart’ especially in terms of knowing how to make money. And often times, that also means you also have to be opportunistic, follow the system & rules (just like everybody else), even be cunning, sly, ruthless, brash, full of tricks, greedy, selfish, ready to step on other people who are ‘weaker’ (eg: poorer, etc).

Money is everything in our modern society today, unfortunately. It’s all about money nowadays. And if you can’t beat the system, then you have to join them. Everyday you are forced to survive, or for survival. And if you’re not strong enough to follow the system/rules, then too bad, either you will lose, get left out, get sidelined, trampled, kicked in a dirt, become a loser or failure in society, or you will die because you can’t survive.

Maybe life is just not for everyone. Maybe some of us are not meant to live in this world, society, existence, or whatever it is. Maybe it’s all really random and nihilistic, ie: some will live, and some will die. Just like ants, some will survive, and some will be killed, can’t survive, got unfortunate/bad luck, and die.

Life is depressing. Society is depressing. This world is depressing. Even all this whole existence thing is just depressing, mundane/boring, very limiting, sick, pointless/meaningless (for some people who really realize it), and honestly, everything is just so stupid.

12/17/2019 3 comments

General I Will Survive

Is wanting too much wrong?

by arielblaze 12/15/2019

written by arielblaze

This is not directly linked to suicide, but it will be good if I could use this to organize my thoughts. I think it is better to do this than let this thing grow inside me untill it explodes someday. Today was a day that I thought I was going to explode, perhaps I did have a little explosion. I am living most of days inside my house, going out in very rare occasions. As a matter of fact, I wasnt even leaving my room for most of the time. I talk to some people through WhatsApp, though, and also my family, which is comprised by mother, my father and my sister. I am very problematic person, I already had been in a mental hospital some times, and I am not sure if I am totally healed. I am trying to hold things togeher, to put some effort to keep life going forward, I have no job actually, but I am not even trying to find one, frankly. But I am not planning to stay like that forever, of course, but I just wouldnt like to do that now. I am planning to study the next year, I have an exam tomorrow, so there are some things that I am doing to improve my conditions. But in the meantime, while changes comes so slowly, there is a lot of stress, anxiety, pain, loneliness, sometimes despair and panic. Feelings of inadequacy, of being unworthy, of being unable to do the right thing, constantly regretting and being overly self-conscious about anything. It actually feels better just to type these things. Today I had some conversations with my sister, and then my father, and for some moments I was there making a show, with a bunch of arguments, trying to prove that I had some understanding about things and I wasnt just a little kid with no grasp of reality. And I am 23. I have so strong inside me this feeling of being treated like a kid, or being seen like a kid, as if my behavior was too much immature, or whatever. And as a matter of fact, most of my time I have devoted myself to develop a serious understanding of things, to develop further a serious attiude, and not act as if life is just a silly game. But I have fucked up things this year. I have done things I shouldnt have done, and I regret, though I prefer to keep it secret. But as I still carry some sort of stain I feel inside myself, I dont know how much time will be necessary till I feel a relief. And I am not a religious person, but I cant avoid feeling this kind of guilt, and associating this guilt with a stain within me. But I think if didnt have this wrongdoing I had this year, I would probably be more sane. So its like everything is my fault, after all. But I am hoping that I can get a new start. I hope that hoping that isnt wishing too much. Although, I feel that it is wishing too much. But I must live, however. I can just die because of the bad things I did. And I can’t stop living, either. So I must keep seeking what is necessary and important. And I doing that. I have started a book that is being a scandal in my life, really opening my mind, with very illuminating thoughts. Its called Why grow up, subversive thoughts for an infantile age. By Susan Neiman. And I am just at the beggining, but it is already quite intense. You know, I am not just lazy, just unwilling to take effort, unwilling to take responsibilities. I am not just selfish, and indifferent about the others. I want to do something for the others around me, I want to be responsible, and not merely doing whatever suits my appetite. I want to work with something, I am studying within my limitations and I intend to be at some course in the next year. I have commited some mistakes in my way, but I am trying. I feel sometimes that my effort isnt seen by the people around, and that bothers me sometimes. But I will keep striving. I dont know if wanting too much is wrong or not. But if it is, I am definitely guilt of that. And I have no idea on how to change that. I must sleep now. I must endure all the fuzzy feelings that will come after making this post. While I was writing I had some illusion of company. Now it will disappear. It will be just darkness, confusion, then sleep. Being moved away from reality, somewhat a blessing. And then I will wake up, probably with a weird dream, an even more weird feeling, and will have to force myself to do the basic routine, and go do the exam. Lots of people in the way, unknown locations, uncertainties… Hoping to have a good performance in the test. Get back home with no troubles in the way. And have no troubles when I get back home. I think I am done with all the discussions, with all the arguments. Most of my life is devoted to researching and studying things, and some people wont give the damn work to listen me and act as if I am just pursuing and image or an appearence, as if I am not serious. Thats what makes my mad, literally. I dont go out, i dont go shopping, i dont have sex, I just stay inside this room seeking informations, reading, watching lectures, but no, I am not doing enough, right? I wont play this sick game. I have heard of people that spent their whole lives trying to prove something for a father or a mother, and I am not going to let this happen to myself. I am trying so hard to listen to this person, trying to engage in conversations, but I am sick of feeling as if I am not being heard. And I am not sure it was only my paranoia or if I have listened to real swears directed at me, said in my back. I am taking the risk to assume that it was real, and acted like it was real. Not going to assume that people wouldnt possibly behave this way and that anytime this seems to be happening, it is probably something from my head and it would be more wise to act as if nothing happened just to not be seen as crazy. If that is real those people are simply acting systematically to induce insanity on me. And I guess this happens, at least there is a term for that for women in abusive relationships, gaslight. But I am not a woman, and would like to think I am not in abusive situation with my family. I like to think my family wouldnt be willing to do such harm on me. This would be truly evil, and however bad they may be sometimes, I dont think they’re evil. So perhaps its just a little bit of paranoia, a lot of stress, insecurity, and some twisted imagination of mine. But I dont like to be fooled. And I simply cant distrust completely my senses. If I hear something, I might have heard it wrong, but I might also have heard it right. And I will act according to my perception, even if its wrong, even taking the risk of doing something stupid. Because I am not stupid. No matter how much hard it is for some people to recognize intelligence. And I am not saying I am a genius, that I am incredibly bright, no, I am not acting narcisistic here. It is just the case that there is some people that know how to put you down. I feel frustated. Angry. Mad. Sick. Sad. Disheartened. People love to romanticize the hardships of life, but the fact is: things could be a whole lot better, if they were perhaps just a tiny bit easier. I dont want a perfect life filled with comfort and pleasures and luxury. I just want a decent life. And its 2019. And the cost of a decent life for the most of people still seems to be terribly high, and terribly sacrificing. So, good luck everyone.

12/15/2019 1 comment

Coping Skills General I Will Survive Rants

My First Post

by Atum 12/12/2019

written by Atum

In the midst of another outbreak of depression, I found this website through the magical wonder that is Google Chrome. Apparently, searching terms idly such as, “can i just die” and, “does my life matter” actually aren’t completely useless. Let’s start with some basics. My name is Adam. I am 15 years old as of writing this. My mother passed away due to complications regarding lung cancer about a year and a half ago, leaving my already dysfunctional family fractured in an injury that seems beyond healing. I struggle with severe social anxiety, which I believe to contribute a great deal to my depression. Anyways, here I am, ready to spill my heart and ideas out to a bunch of strangers around the world.

Writing this, I find my decision to even share this with anyone, much less people I don’t know on the internet, slightly odd. In thinking about that, I realize just how attention-starved I must be. After all, the only people in my life that seem to even remotely understand the position I’m in are the people who are paid to do so. Man, that’s a depressing thought. My father works all day, my brothers are in a constant state of distraction to avoid their problems, and my peers are too busy beating themselves up about having A-’s in one class. (I live in a predominantly wealthy Asian town in the Bay Area) In that case, writing this doesn’t feel too stupid. After all, you and I share something no? A bond over suffering, pain, and perhaps some trauma. With that in mind, I don’t wish for practical and literal things from people anymore. All I ask is for people to take the time to understand me, in which I am always left short. Maybe that’s why I’m here.

In my opinion, when viewed from a completely “rational” point of view, life is simply not worth living. It is my belief that even your average Joe will suffer far more than he experiences positivity and pleasure. From a mathematical perspective, negatives cancel out positives. If the end result is negative, then why live? Depression may seem like a corner that you’re trapped in, unable to experience happiness and positivity because there is none right?! Well I disagree with that. Depression distorts your perspective, making you interpret even the positive things as negative. If I were to grow older and survive the violence that I perceive to be adulthood, my goal would be to find a way to live with the ludicrousness that is society. This is in stark contrast to what I believe most people do; throw a bunch of shit on top of the wounds and hope they heal, or stay underneath all that shit so that that they don’t even realize the wound exists.

When searching random shit on Google for the 800th time, I happened upon an article attempting to reach out to people actively considering suicide. Out of curiosity, I read the article. One of it’s most facinating arguments was the idea that, “People consider suicide for relief from pain. Relief is a feeling, one you have to be alive to experience.” Have you ever told yourself or a trusted individual that, “I want to die, but I don’t want to kill myself.” That reality is one that keeps me alive everyday, somehow. Now is that my body biologically telling my brain that it wants to live, or is it something greater? I believe the latter. If you’re reading this, think about it. No matter where you are, what you’ve done, or how you feel, there has to be a future with a positive outcome right? For me at least, I’ve come to realize that I’m not as screwed in life as I would believe I was. Though I am far into a dark tunnel, the faint hints of light at the end begin to shine through in some of my better moments during each day. However, that alone won’t ease my mind. When everyday contains a similar struggle, seeing point B from point A won’t help you get to B. There are still many days between me and that moment.

With that in mind, I frequently ask myself, “Why?” Why should I keep fighting this war that I didn’t start? Why should I persevere? That is what drives the idea that suicide is even a remotely plausible option. Why continue? When life is pain, why keep going? For me, I’m still here because the idea of a light at the end of a tunnel, though not necessarily confirmed to exist, entices me to continue living. To cling on to life.

If you’re still here, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to hear what I have to say.

Adam

12/12/2019 3 comments

I Will Survive Rants

In the dirt

by Tryin 2 liv 11/26/2019

written by Tryin 2 liv

Hi everyone.

First of all, congrats to all who keep and write in this website. It’s so helpful for so many people. Just a great idea.

Second time I write here. I just can’t take this anymore. My wallet doesn’t take anymore. My schedule doesn’t take anymore. My strength just run out. And people around and at work just keep pushing and humiliating me. All this effort brought me insomnia and insufferable headache, what the fuck can I do?

I may take a leave and get fired. Then I would immediately go to the streets.

I may continue like this. But my health is just at its limit.

I am in pure blind rage. Only thing I can think of is who the hell think this people are? who keep talking human rights, worker rights, helping this community, that community… poor these, poor those… But in reality they are the only ones doing all the harm.

I don’t know what else to say. Ah yes, another phrase I repeat to myself every day: HOW THE HELL DID I END UP HERE? It’s so unreal to remember all the things and plans you had once, and little by little, but in the same time just in a blink of an eye, be in such a poor, decadent, lonely situation. I had friends. Family. A very good job. I helped people in my free time. But hey, end of the line dude. Game over. You lost. They won. But HOW did I get into this? I don’t understand.

It all seems like a bad dream.

Well, I do understand though. I am quite asperger. Had a tough childhood, I became serious. People do hate that. They would rather hang out, work, help a stupid evil clown than a good but boring person.

Best thing to do is probably just to let everything fall. Go rock bottom. Even deeper than now. Then I will hold on there, in the dirt, in the shit. Fasten your seat belts, this ride is going down very fast.

I feel fear. Maybe, the only meaning of all this shit is to overcome this fear. To have no fear. Maybe I will just die in poverty. Maybe some better days will come. But maybe some day I will live without fear. That would be something.

11/26/2019 4 comments

Coping Skills General I Will Survive Rants

11/16/2019, 11/19/2019: Coping with feeling worthless emotionally to humans. I have things to offer mentally but not necessarily emotionally.

by acefinlay 11/19/2019

written by acefinlay

I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be able to have permanent good lasting relationships with people during this lifetime as a human. I also am doubting whether I will ever have sex with a woman. I have kissed/been kissed by two, so reckon that’s possible/might happen if I try hard enough and reach out to someone in just enough of a good way to cut it at the right time but idk/doubt my ability to have things keep happening/working because of how few relationships I’ve ever had with women. My longest/only that was called a significant other relationship by both parties lasted 2 weeks and everything else has failed to reach that point (at least half a dozen times).

I reckon I will improve some more but I don’t know if I can ever fully live in the moment enough to be on the same level as other individuals around me in a way that they will want me there for them in a permanent way I guess and it’s worrisome and bothersome to me.

I’m beginning to accept that I’m just a guide/catalyst in everyone I meet’s life but I don’t want to just be that/want more permanent things. Which arguably some things will be more and less permanent but I don’t feel like I will ever have any control or say in which things will be or won’t be. I can take actions that I think are good/think will be good for things but as I keep finding I may not ever really know what exactly is good for things to other people/be able to do those things.

Making me worry/question whether or not I’m even helpful to people or good for them. I maybe have been/am sometimes but I fear a lot of the time that people are just being polite to me and saying that I’m good for them when I’m actually hurting them. I don’t know, people are more in their bodies and that awareness then me and tied to this place and this now then me and I get that but also maybe don’t.

It’s easier for me to be in my mind, but I’ve always been there and never fully in the other for more then a time. So idk how much that is the case for others, but know that it is/likely more so then it is for me because of how they focus their being.

Some other people do live in their head and in the future and the past and not in the now, but the majority want to consistently be in the now/live in the now whereas I do not because of what this world is like when one actually has to do things in it.

Being able to be connected fully to the now/be fully in this moment would be a blissful thing to do in solitude and in peace but without those things being the case, I would not and honestly do not want to be in touch with my sensual tactile body because how much of a pain in an ass it is to deal with/process everyone else’s stuff.

Probably the truth is that that’s true for other people too.

The question is the degree I reckon. The more I focus on it the more it seems that way/is that way i know and the same is true for others, but on an actual observable level in terms of my actions I wonder how distant/disconnected I seem compared to others and if I am that way more often then not.

I could ask but I don’t want to mess up my relationships in whatever level/way that they still are/can be and in my experience the people who are around me usually want things/use my asking to their advantage to try and benefit. And to take more without necessarily giving more. Idk. I fear that’s true but don’t know how much it is or if it’s even a conscious action on their part. If it is I don’t know how they cope with it because it fills me with guilt to ask for help from anybody.

I’m not going to commit it I know but I’m going crazy slowly and living without someone who will understand me probably for my life because of what I am isn’t helping. Like I need that and I don’t have it and am not sure what to do about it.

I keep reading relationship articles by people online and while some of it seems true, I honestly am struggling with separating the wheat from the chaft and knowing who and what to listen to. I’m trying to trust my own instincts about what I’m doing wrong but when i can’t trust those i’m not sure what i can trust. My reverse instincts (?) but if they’re my reverse instincts are they really my instincts and should I be trusting them. Idk but am tired of feeling like crap/being treated all nicey nicey or like crap by people that think they’re superior to me socially when i ask them for help. I don’t want to think of myself as being socially inferior and don’t think i should be being seen that way even though i’m being often seen in that light. Idk fuck people though/tired of dealing with their shit. My reason for living at least is more important then them and goes deeper then them because it’s trying to fix all of this for everything, but so many people are pieces of work/out for themselves/don’t really give a fuck about other people even though they pretend to. I think I might be the same and it bothers me, but at least I can say that I’m not good for other people because of how this is, whereas most people can’t.

I guess maybe it’s seeing my not good as being better then other people’s “good” that’s really also not goods and wanting to give enough of a fuck to give my not good to someone who’s struggling. I guess that’s the issue though maybe, like I want to always give knowledge/insight but rarely do i find someone worthy of giving my body and soul too in the long run. Like if they’re too selfish and haven’t tried to live their life for selflessness or aren’t trying to start being selfless for the highest goods then i stop giving a fuck.

I’m not completely selfless i know either but i at least try to help sometimes, so while i’m not an activist who’s working tireless at climate change stuff yet or the universe beyond what we see on earth’s rediscovery/restoration(?) yet i’m driven by the need to transcend this for better/do those two things whereas many people are not and are primarily only concerned with feeling alive all the time while trying to make ends meet here.

Idk but I’m starting to think fuck feelings/fuck the need to feel alive/be happy. I don’t want to have it control me and I’m tired of it doing just that. I should get to control my own happiness/peace constantly always and I don’t want other people to have that power. The problem is that most people want to live in/be in aliveness and happiness and that that’s the reason that they’re alive and wanting relationships whereas I’m alive for the things we haven’t thought of yet and how they make me feel instead of physical stimulation/emotional stimulation. Idk they’re similar but different sources. I’m interested in physical stimulation/emotional stimulation from others but I don’t trust others because of how much they need that and physical material things from me like kids, houses or money for me to get that from them.

11/19/2019 2 comments

Family & Friends Effects General I Will Survive Stories of Hope Suicidal Survivors

A miracle.

by anonyy 11/18/2019

written by anonyy

May 15, 12:44AM

it’s a school night, i was supposed to sleep early to work on my important project, but something happened. i took 7 tablets of (?), i don’t know why i took them, shoved them down my throat and casually went to bed, after 10 minutes i felt this terrible pain in my stomach and my eyes were about to burst “it’s nothing” i said, and tried to sleep, but it only got worse so i decided to ask for help. searched the tablets name on google, “the lethal dosage could be as low as 4 tablets for a grown-up” “Do not take more than 3 (?) tablets per day or more than 5 tablets per week” Oh no.. i’m a teenager and i took.. 7, i rushed to my mum’s room trying to act as calm as i can and said “my stomach hurts, please take me to the hospital” weirdly enough she didn’t ask why, how severe is the pain, she took me without questions, you may wonder “why is it weird?” well, my mum will NEVER take me to the ER, she never did even when i was vomiting, she says it’s a waste of time and they’ll probably tell you to rest and that’s it, so for 17 years i never went to the ER with my mum, and that was the first time ever and i didn’t even tell her what i did yet. Okay so the hospital isn’t really far, it’s about 5 or 4 minutes away from where i live but with the pain i was feeling it felt like an hour and i’m not exaggerating, i was trying to hide my pain and act like it’s food poisoning or something but as time passes i was starting to lose it, when we reached the hospital i was in a pool of sweat i remember my face was shiny and my hands were sticky, but i managed to act calm but wait why are the lights off? Oh. this hospital has no emergency services today, we had to go to the other one which is 17 minutes away, i finally lost it, i started screaming in pain and hitting the car’s window with my hand, unable to breath and can’t see well, i was sweating heavily and my heart was beating so fast, it all happened in three minutes. we reached the hospital and once i stepped off the car i vomited everything i ate since 1997, i was about to spit my whole stomach out, they had to take me in with a wheelchair and took my biometrics, the nurse panicked when she saw my heart rate and my blood pressure both of them was extremely high, it was unbelievable, they rushed me to the emergency doctor, now, my mum and i are in the room and the doctor is asking me about what happened, my mum answered with what she knew so he told me it’s probably food poisoning and i’ll be okay but i decided to tell the truth, to save myself. I whispered to him what i did and he gasped “why didn’t you tell your mum?” “i can’t”, my mum angrily asked me about what happened and i didn’t answer, he sat on his chair again and told her to calm down “we will be calling the main hospital to take her by an ambulance, she has overdosed and the dose she took may be lethal due to the rates.” my mum was angry, frustrated she started yelling at me while the doctor tried to calm her down, they took me to the next room and had to put some needles and IV’s in me, my mum took my phone away and we had a fight so now, i’m about to die and my mum is mad at me, what a great thing. She called my sister telling her that she will come home a little late, the ambulance came and i started crying my eyes out while it was taking me to the hospital and i kept asking them if they will be taking me to the psych ward because they did it before and i really don’t trust them, he showed me the location and i finally calmed down. When i arrived there they rushed me in a luxurious room and put more needles and things in me, it seems like they’re using all of their machines to help me now, my mum was sitting next to me in the room and we didn’t say anything for hours while the nurses kept checking my rates and asking me about how i feel, it’s about 3AM now and i can’t sleep at all due to the high dosage i took (it had a lot of caffeine in it to keep me awake for a whole week) my mum didn’t sleep either, now, i don’t know what happened but i remember hearing a lot of voices at the same time and my weird machines going off, i slept, or in other words, i died. I didn’t know what happened next and when did i wake up but when i did i saw the relieve on everybody’s face, specially my mum’s. I hugged her and told her that i’ll never do it again, some emotional things happened and we were good. It’s around 6AM right now and i’m waiting for the psychaitrst to come so she can decide if it safe for me to get out, my mum had to take my siblings to school so she left and came with some clothes to me as i was sweating for god knows how much hours, the psychaitrst came and we talked for a bit and finally, i was able to go. We went to the mall and bought some stuff, i had to deal with a lot of things for a month afterwards, sweating, dizziness and dehydration.

i know what you’re thinking right now “wow, she’s so much stronger than me!”, well maybe not. i know you heard what i’m about to say at least a hundred times before, but hear me out.

i’m still depressed, in fact, i tried to kill myself yesterday, and i still want to do it, but what happened back in May made me feel how important i am to a lot of people and specially my dear mum. Suicide is scary, losing someone or yourself to suicide is scary, let me tell you something and it’s actually a fact based on some studies, most (if not all) of the people who committed suicide regret it at the last moment, when it’s already too late, i didn’t believe that but when i saw what happened, when i was at the hospital getting help for something i didn’t want anyone to save me from, i realised it’s true. When i had to stay two weeks in a psych ward to keep myself safe from me, i realised it’s true. It’s true, please don’t harm yourself, you deserve so much better even if you don’t see it clearly please go ask for help, there are people out there who are willing to help you, you matter, things will be so different without you and we don’t want to lose you. Maybe at some point of your life u tend to feel like suicide is an answer, but it’s never an answer for any question, any problem, anything. i don’t care if you’re weak, or strong, i don’t care about how mentally stable you are but i want you to stay alive, it’s not worth it, i’m not in the best place right now and i’ll probably be gone soon but i do know that suicide will never end the pain, it will be the worst decision to take.

11/18/2019 1 comment

Coping Skills General I Will Survive Stories of Hope

Crossroad or (Divine) Intervention

by sequesther314 11/18/2019

written by sequesther314

I swear I had all the preparations done. Everything was in place. The method, the suicide letters to my family and friend, the timing.

Out of the blue I receive a message from the other side of the world. A 30-minute conversation has thrown my suicidal ideations out of the realm of “must” and into the chaotic reality of “should” and “can”.

I thought I had found my way out of the wilderness into the dark. Suddenly there’s a light. An unavoidable brightness lighting the path of a monster (me) that was blind to all else for too long.

Am I imagining this? Is my mind/body fighting so desperately to preserve itself at the end that I am now suddenly questioning my determined end?

The countdown’s on…4 3 2 1

11/18/2019 2 comments

Coping Skills I Will Survive Stories of Hope

I’m actually doing it!

by Snowy 11/5/2019

written by Snowy

I am actually doing it I am leaving him. I got approved for an apartment today and can move in next week. Its in the same complex as one of my work friends so I have support and she can help me watch out for him. I am also getting him to sign something saying he wont take the dogs from me, and within a year I can file for divorce and really be done. I don’t care about anything else. I don’t have any furniture or anything else for that matter but i don’t care im done with the abuse and even if im scared out of my mind right now I am so glad im doing this!

11/5/2019 2 comments

I Will Survive

short cure

by evianwatre 10/19/2019

written by evianwatre

i was with K today, fun times.

it’s so easy to feel joy, that i don’t understand any reasons behind my feelings any longer. none of these emotions last, but when i feel needed for being focused on in a positive way, the since of belonging comes back. i’m scared of the joy escaping between my fingertips, however nothing stays the same way forever, neither pain or happiness.

i think they liked talking to me, being at school is truly rather fun to be in than to be stuck in a state of mind with myself arguing, telling myself different things that would eventually get me confused. i felt needed all over again, wonderful day.

i had a dream of being kissed on the lips last night, i saw the light, pink tint of raw pork shining through the plastic bag, the mixed scent of fast food restaurants. what i love about the world are coming back, actually, i wouldn’t say they came back, as they were there since the beginning, in one state or another, waiting to be found.

it’s not the ideas behind the world that i find beautiful, however i do find beauty in are the small components of what makes up the world i see, the crack in walls, vegetables and dipping isles from a grocery store, the form of sea creatures and so much more. i guess it is strange, the beauty exists between both man made products and the creation of nature, these things doesn’t exclude me as an outsider. only when i feel down and uninterested, i fail to sense beauty in them, they’re always there, their worth, however, are up to the observer to consider and preserve as anything meaningful.

i’m definitely getting better, as every second passes, for now i am not feeling anything, and that’s everything i’ve ever wanted in life.

10/19/2019 0 comment

General I Will Survive My Suicide Note Poetry & Art Rants Stories of Hope Suicidal Survivors

Lost

by the99cut 10/14/2019

written by the99cut

Between the line of fear and blame you begin to wonder why you came…
A lyrics from The Fray, How to save a life.

I’ve been bullied when i was in grade school and it was the scariest thing a little girl have to go through.

Highschool was a lot of fun, except things from family starts to jump out.

I started to appreciate the songs Perfect and Welcome to my life by Simple Plan… Its really the lyrics that made me close to the music. It embrace me to bed.

Boulevard of broken dreams by Green day came in my playlist, That’s when i realize my friends don’t understand me.

Now im in college and life fcks me up so damn much that it made me numb…

I’m depressed since i was a kid, when i was sixteen suicide thoughts came right in… now im twenty, i feel exhausted. Breathing is getting harder that i think it can choke me. Anxiety attacks are much worst cause my heart palpitates rapidly and it kinda hurt.

I hate everyone. They made me like this. but sometimes i think, maybe i made myself into this.

I’m actually scared to live,

and I’m actually scared to die.

I’m tired. I am screaming inside. I breakdown almost everyday and different time.

My depression and anxiety are my demons. I hear their voices, in the morning, afternoon, evening… they don’t seem to get tired at all.

Some people told me; “You need to be strong”, ” God will help you, just pray”, “Be positive”, ” There’s always a rainbow after the rain”, “You’ll get better soon”… It easier to say things like that but it doesn’t really help. It doesn’t work that way… It made me think, I had a bad life and they have a good one. They’re lucky.

My depression and anxiety have become a part of me for the past i dunno since i was nine? and until i die i have them with me… They’re my friend and my enemy.

In case your reading this, i don’t need someone to help me or to fix me, I just need people to stop breaking me.

10/14/2019 0 comment

General I Will Survive Suicidal Survivors

My Story…

by imtryinghere 10/12/2019

written by imtryinghere

Everyone says …

”you’re not trying hard enough.”

”you want attention.”

”you want a reaction.”

”you don’t really want to die.”

But, no one knows what goes on in my mind. No one knows anything about me, they all just assume. They assume I can get better, but when you have this thing inside of you telling you that you should just die, it gets hard to even get yourself to try things to get better. I have tried many things. Went to therapy for a year and a half about, and come to find out my therapist told me she could do anything else for me. I’ve been in and out of the hospital 6 times, and one time I was impatient for 6 days. I went outpatient for 11 days. Only one the weekdays, the weekends I was at home. I was on medication for about a year, my mood never got anywhere just been really low. I stopped my meds this past summer, everything seemed fine. I had a job, I finally got a phone, I had a boyfriend, I had a best friend and her and I would hang out almost daily. I played soccer, that kept me really busy. Then August hit and everything started going downhill. I didn’t have my boyfriend, my best friend and I got into a fight. That affected me, but it really started to affect me once school started. I would see her everywhere, before school, in the halls, she is in one of my classes, she is even in my lunch, I mean I don’t even go to lunch because I have no friends in my lunch. I started to get really depressed once school started. I would cry in the bathroom for 10-15 minutes. About 3 weeks ago is when I have fallen into this really deep, dark hole. I don’t even know how to get out of it anymore besides suicide. I have attempted many times before, but I have always stopped myself because I would get really bad anxiety attacks, and I guess I couldn’t pull it off. Now I don’t know if I even have the courage to do it. People do know about my depression, so I’m not going through it totally alone. Even though some days I really do feels alone. Even when I have people. I have people at school check up on me, my teachers even know about me. I mean that was from last year though. It’s my senior year, and some teachers know about my self-harm and depression, but they really don’t talk to me about it, which is good. Because if they talked to me about it, I’d be in tears. There would be so many tears. I don’t really bother to hide it anymore, it takes too much energy to fake that smile and those laughs. If you are still reading this, good for you. Someone is actually interested in my life, and my story. Congratulations reading it this far, and congratulations for making this far into your life. I am here to share my story, and to spread positivity. I may want to die and see no future for myself, but I can still help others want to live. This is my story. This is what I am here for. Is to help others. I hope your situation will get better! Stay strong lovelies. I love you all.

10/12/2019 0 comment

General I Will Survive Stories of Hope

I’m still alive…

by Snowy 10/8/2019

written by Snowy

I’m still here, found some friends who have been making my life better which has helped. Husband and I lost the house, we got some money back from it. And are now living with his parents. I’ve spent some of the money unbeknownst to him and now after 9 years (celebrated our 9th on Sep 27th) I am planning on leaving him. I wanted to know if ya’ll have any suggestions on what i should do before dropping this bomb on him that im walking away. Things have gotten good then bad and now worst, he is always angry at me and is now playfully smacking me in the face. He says its “playful” but i think he is just testing boundaries to see what he can do. He has no issues telling me how worthless i am and how much of a pardon my french but, c**t i am. And how no one other than him could love me because of how i am. I am going to slowly work on getting my precious stuff out of the place we are staying. Like my Nino’s flag he got when he died since he was in the service and my pets ashes. I am worried this will go badly so I plan on telling his mom first so she can be around when this goes down. I am serious this time and am looking at an apartment Friday. I couldn’t have done this without the friend i mentioned earlier. She is so amazing and i am so lucky she fell in my life the way she did. I feel like i acutally deserve to be happy for once and i know that wont happen with him. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks for reading Snowy! <3 <3

10/8/2019 4 comments

I Will Survive Rants

On the verge

by still here2 9/29/2019

written by still here2

If I am writing here right now, I guess it means I have come to a breaking point. I just can’t take this crap so I will get it off my chest. Second, sorry for my English, it’s just too bad.

I have been trying to beat all this crap for 15 years already. 15 years of sadness and tiredness with some anger. But during the last month, something has changed. All I feel is pure blind anger because there is no way out of this.

You can get the picture. Ignored, alone, everyone treats you like shit, no money, more and more tired, more and more depressed, insomnia… Yes, grow the fuck up, do something for yourself, that’s what everyone tells you. Well, I fucking did it for 15 years:

-Eat healthy, do sports. I do. I am actually in a good physical form. I guess I would be in a worse situation if I didn’t.

-Get some help. Turned to my friends, told them there is stuff they don’t know, that I would like to get something out of my chest. They went radio silent since then. So much for humanity.

-Get some professional help. Went to the doctor. Told her my situation, that I needed psychological assistance. Her solution? Vitamins! BTW I live in a banana republic as you can guess by now.

-Be hopeful. “Bad situations don’t last forever”. I was hopeful, but not anymore, things have gone worse and worse.

I was grown up alone with a depressing lonely family. Beat up at school. Raped systematically by a sick person. I have never been an unstable person, or toxic, or rude, I helped people whenever I could. But obviously with such a childhood I am extremely serious and boring, which is a barrier in every single encounter in my life.

Now, I have no money, I have a huge debt (somebody sold me a faulty thing and the State made gave me a huge fine), and a shitty job in which with in this mental condition I will be fired sooner than later. Next stop: the streets.

I read in blogs about depression about all this shit about being optimistic, cherish the positive stuff, take vacations, have a healthy diet… Well, I could trick myself about the absent positive stuff, made it up just for my mind. But in this country you cannot take vacations. I cannot rest. The doctors won’t “give” me a temporal leave. No treatment. No nothing. Could at least give me a friend? Couldn’t at least give us a friend so we wouldn’t kill ourselves out of desperation?

I’m not thinking about killing myself, no way. But for the first time, I have just done something “bad”: out of anger and with nothing constructive so say, I am writing here to say how ridiculous it is to give advice like make more friends, be positive, take some rest, when it just can’t be done for some of us. Well, sometimes it is all problems in the same moment, and ending up in a situation so difficult where there is no possible solution.

I hate this fucking society. I wish we were in a time in which at least the common message by “thinkers”, politicians, celebrities and every dipshit around us told the truth: grow a pair, life is a shit, only the strong survive. But no. And this is what I hate most, they are selling us bullshit like equality, freedom, rights, solidarity, as if history was in a direction to some fucking utopia. The zeitgeist is a bad sad joke, a lie, to keep us all down, telling you are privileged and you can fix your situations because there are “bigger” problems. Telling us to trust all these liars because they are going to bring us a better society.

Well, now that I have said this, let me tell you something good, bad and real in the same time: life is a fucking shit. But it is all you have. Stick to it to the bitter end. And most of all, NEVER feel guilty.

Stay strong brothers and sisters.

9/29/2019 3 comments

General I Will Survive My Suicide Note Stories of Hope Suicidal Survivors

12 Suicidal Children

by Itscolourlife 9/26/2019

written by Itscolourlife

https://kissasian.sh/Drama/12-Suicidal-Children

I want to share this with you guys
The story heal me for today
Such a good thriler mystery movie
JUST WATCH IT !

9/26/2019 0 comment

General I Will Survive Stories of Hope

Its finally happening

by fakingit 9/3/2019

written by fakingit

I started my account here in 2012 I have been through a whirlwind of adventure. From countless suicide attempts I discovered a reason to stay alive. I definitely do struggle, I got severe post partum depression but that actually changed my life. It kicked me in the ass to get a job and I learned being a stay at home mom wasnt my thing and that’s okay. My fiance has abusive tendencies but honestly I do too and were working on them together. I have been the sole provider for nearly a year now my fiance can’t hold a job and money is my biggest stressor. His mom moved out of state to arizona and our lease is ending next month and we have nothing but .14 in savings he lost his most recent job. Its beyond frustrating but hes better in other ways and I remind myself that. Things are finally taking a dramatic turn. Come october 14th were packing all our belongings aside from essentials into storage and leaving for Arizona we plan on staying with his mom til were on our feet. I am over the moon. My life is simultaneously falling apart and coming together at the same time. My parents are so toxic it’s best we get away anyways. They relentlessly talk bad about my fiance tell me I’m better off without him and that I should stay home with them forever. I’m finally getting away and hopefully staying away.

My reminder to keep pushing forward things change things get better. I wouldnt get to experience this and all the amazing things that have happened it my attempts worked years ago. Hang in there y’all

9/3/2019 2 comments

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