I Will Survive

Metaphors are great, but they can also be opressive sometimes. Example; I had multiple issues with my current desktop to the point that I realized I should just build a new one. Which already, right there, that’s privilege. If something of mine breaks, I replace it, no hemming and hawing about budget, it’s part of my ecosystem, I make it happen.

Anyway, my implicit whiteness aside (can it ever be fully put aside? I doubt it), I’ve been working on this project since February, sometime in March was when I finally got all the parts and it’s just been sitting, waiting for me to get the […]

i made a deal with myself.

if nothing has changed until the 20th august 2023, i will commit suicide.

until then, i will be strong.

I care about you guys. So, Ive come back to share whats working for me, in hopes that just maybe it will help one of you too.
A while ago I came to the conclusion that, as suicidal as I may have felt, I probably wasnt ever going to kill myself. I couldnt. And it was for the same reason I couldnt build a happy life for myself: I didnt have enough self-discipline. I was really good at making plans in my head, and really bad at actually doing what it takes to make those plans a reality. The thought “Im gonna kill myself” had […]

It seems like today Im especially aware of my desire to be liked and acknowledged by other people. Despite my feelings sometimes, what I truly want is for my life to matter. But Im also aware that these desires have been holding me back from living authentically. Its almost like Ive been stuck in a lucid dream and now realizing that the time has come for me to cut the shit and wake up. I have to let go of the desire to be liked, because when Im not liked, I suffer, and then I suffer anyway because I forget who I even am in […]

I didnt realize until last year, in my early 30’s, that I was supposed to be building someone this whole time. I used to think people were the way they came, and that was it. Now I know that the majority of who someone is has to do with what theyve built themselves up to be. Of how much effort theyve put into building their lives up.
I look at my time differently now. Do I choose to play video games or to go workout? Do I work on that book Ive always wanted to write, or do I get high and watch cartoons on […]