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Chronic PainGeneral

How could I ever be doubtful?

by Resentment
written by Resentment

I watched some clip someone posted about a person who jumped off the Golden Gate bridge and lived to regret it.
I’m unmoved.
When I’ve made my mind up about something, it’s very hard to change it, because I spend a very long time thinking about something before making a determination.

I don’t want to be alive.
There are some things that do not change.
I can hope, but I don’t see the pain letting up.
Another thing, I hate to hear of this assumption that people who want to die hate themselves.
I’ve never hated myself.
I reached a point where I hated what people were doing to someone I loved. I hated how they treated me. I hated their outright hypocrisy.
I don’t have it in me to say publicly that they might as well have killed me themselves.
I find myself thinking “I would never” a lot.
I would never treat someone like that, much less someone I had said I loved. What do I owe anyone by being alive when I was not given protection when I was in danger, without a home?
I’m just waiting for my opportunity.
There’s nothing here for me.

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Chronic PainGeneral

yay :)

by uuuggghhh
written by uuuggghhh

it’s my last month on earth

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsStories of Loss

Erasure

by unsuperwoman
written by unsuperwoman

I’m 28, and I want to die. The only thing that stops me is the pain it will leave behind. There’s no way to escape it. I don’t know how I could get these people that I care about out of my life without hurting them.  How do you just stop well formed relationships? Recently, I’ve tried to take a detailed look into my past, into the type of person I have been. For 28 years I have felt sad and worthless with occasional moments of reprieve. I’ve tried a dozen different pills, psychiatrists, therapists, and I’m always right where I started in the depths of hell in my head.

I don’t remember what it’s like to enjoy things anymore. It comes sparingly and leaves even faster. I wish I had never been born because there isn’t enough good I can do that will outweigh the bad that my suicide will create, and that doesn’t seem fair.

Sometimes I hope I’ll fall down the stairs on accident and die so that it wouldn’t have been my fault. But the pain would still be there for others. I can’t escape it.

So I hold onto myself in my suffering so that it won’t hurt others, but I’m getting tired. I’m finding myself in moments where I’m very close to ending my life without worrying about others feelings, but then I remember and I crawl back into the shell I’ve created for myself.

Will the suffering ever end?

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

today

by applepie2929
written by applepie2929

my father and my mother was arguing.
i stopped getting in the way due to my mom always being on his side.

today, she snapped.

i felt bad. she was screaming and it made sense. before that, he was towering over her on the couch, telling her how she was wrong about how he “didn’t” cheat on her(if you read my last post he did, he has a mistress to this day and talks to her while all three of us are at work{my brother, mom and i}), how shes a liar, and an idiot. an imbecile etc.

and she snapped, she said “FUCK YOU ALL” and “YOU NEVER LOVED ME” “YOU NEVER CARED” and i was happy? for my mom. she did it, she stood up to him. but; ive never seen her have a mental breakdown, and cry. i went into the kitchen and she told me to, “GET THE FUCK OUT“, and i did. i listened through my bedroom. and the next thing i know it; shes crying and telling him to stop and its not fine, while hes “hugging” her, and saying “stop it.”

Stop it????

STOP IT.

YOU TELL HER TO STOP CRYING NOT THAT “IM SORRY” OR “IM LITERAL HUMAN FILTH” .

i hate my father.

he then grabbed my hand and i told him to not touch me. HE THEN PROCEEDED TO SHIFT THE BLAME ON MY DOG. That i dont take him out(i work 12-6, so its hard for me on the weekdays), that i dont train him , etc. when i do. That its Lightning’s fault, when in reality its his fault for leaving us, for pretending to love my mom, for hurting her, FOR HER MENTAL BREAKDOWN/PANIC ATTACK.

later this night, they got over it, so easy. i knew it would happen, that they would just get over it, cus my father manipulates her so easily. im angry at both of them, but i hope i can have alone time with my mom to tell her and ask her if she can divorce my father, and stop getting hurt because of him.

i have already attempted before because of him, and i am too afraid my mom can go down the same route i went through.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

caring

by nonapanone
written by nonapanone

I had a private account because I’ve always cared too much about what people thought about me.

I thought it was a fantastic idea when I created it as  I could share my true feelings to the people I called my friends; I wouldn’t have to put a brave front for them, I could vent without restraining myself. I felt safe, for once, from my parents abusive behavior.

I didn’t see it coming.

All of my fears, thoughts, struggles, complied in screenshots and scattered away in one of my “friends” account.

What hurt me the most wasn’t the harsh blow to my trust issues; it was the passive attitude of my “other friends”.

I am old enough to know that no one is going to solve my problems and rescue me from my suicide thoughts; but a text message would have been nice.

Something to let me know that they care, that I am not alone, that they wouldn’t do the same shit this “friend” did, that even if they can’t be always there for me, that they would try their best to make me feel better.

Isn’t that a normal reaction? Am I expecting too much white from this grey world?

Shit, they didn’t even bat an eyelash when I told them my sister was being admitted into the hospital and I wanted to reschedule our meeting as I wouldn’t be able to see them the rest of the summer.

I should have realized sooner that very few people in this world care, that the only person who is going to pick you up when you hit the asphalt face front is yourself, that people enjoy seeing you suffer, even your “own friends”.

I even believed them when they say they would miss me if I was gone.

I should try another shot at happiness, the one I’ve been looking for 20 years.

I should try to keep my alive, even if it feels scary knowing that I have no one to grab my arm when I cross the street.

I should try to forget it all, but can I?

Can I stop caring?

Why does it pain me so much? Why can’t I understand that I am unimportant and live for myself?

Was I looking for happiness where it wasn’t supposed to be?

Will I be able to get through all of my mental health problems all alone?

I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live this way forever either.

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Chronic PainGeneralI Will SurviveRants

This is definitely hell.

by johnwhogivesashit
written by johnwhogivesashit

So I left and took the car my mom and me co-own but that she made most of the payments on. I went and stayed with a couple of druggies that offered to let me crash for a while but not before I took 666 dollars out of the joint account I had with my parents and bought a bar of gold using my dad’s Amazon store card to makeup for the shit he broke and refused to pay for. The druggies let me crash on their floor with a mattress from Monday to Thursday when they robbed me. I went down to the basement storage to get the mattress for the night and they took the keys I left on the table and in those 5 minutes they went in my car and took like 500 bucks cash. It was locked like I did every time I left the car. The next day after I accused them they were awfully unperturbed about the accusation. I went out to hustle up some money selling crack and that’s when I found out that the one guy who had just pawned his tv for 125 bucks who I had driven to the pawn shop spent a 100 dollar bill with the heroin dealer and there was no way he should have had that much money as he had spent at least half on the crack we were going to hustle and even if he had sold all his crack he wouldn’t have had a 100 bucks because he had just spent 50 the night before on heroin. So I went back to the apartment at about 4 and accused em again of stealing my money and said I know you been spending 100 dollar bills you shouldn’t have. He says fuck you get the fuck out now and I was like not without my money and my stuff. He grabs a 2by4 with a nail sticking out of it and swings it at me hitting me in the side. That pissed me off and I tackled him to the floor and grabbed the 2by4 and started beating him in the head with it as I laid on top of him saying “fuck you piece of shit”. How dare you invite me into your house knowing I’m homeless and down on my luck and then fucking Rob me when I been buying groceries and getting everyone in the house high. Stuggled a bit and then ran out the door cause he was shouting to the neighbors to call the cops. Fled the house with the dealer that was waiting out in my car as I was just supposed to be stopping back for my Camelback water backpack. Drove off and went to a park and checked out the brusies on my forehead and side where he hit me with the 2by4. Had the dealer punch me good and hard in the side to make the bruise look better after deciding I better go the cops to try and get back in there for the rest of my stuff including my tv. lost the bar of gold and my bag of dope in the fight. It fell out my top pocket. Went to the cops and they went over there to see what was up and if I could be escorted to get my stuff. the guy and his woman had all my stuff piled up on porch except for my dope, my weed vape, and my bar of gold. They had a good story for the cops I’m sure so the cops couldn’t do anything about the 500 bucks they robbed or the 5 gram bar of gold. conflicting stories and my word against 2 of them making up bullshit so nobody went to jail including me. Left and used 50 bucks I had in the bank to buy some dope and then went back to my parents house cause I knew they should have left for Michigan for my cousin’s wedding by that point.nobody was home. Took another 500 bucks out of the joint account…went to the casino and won a couple hundred bucks playing poker. Went back again on Saturday and lost it all except for 240 bucks. Spent last 100 on dope and then went back on Sunday to try and win back money playing poker. Lost again after getting up couple 100 when called all in on the wrong bet. regreted it as soon as I did it. guy had trip 8s and called my all in on my 2 pair of Kings and 8s. Went back to the house broke and with no options left. Decided to kill myself this morning. took the rest of my heroin 4/5 of a gram and busted it down to powder. Took it all in a bunch bunch of lines one after the other and downed a quarte a 1/5 of vodka, half a 5th of gin and 4 Tylenol to potentiate the heroin. didn’t fucking work. Passed out for 4 hours and woke up with a gasp. I just can’t fucking die. before doing all that I wrote notes and mailed one to my ex who I’m not supposed to contact explaining that I’m dead and I just can’t live without her. I guess I really am in hell cause I just can’t fucking die. why do I keep living with all these huge doses of drugs? I guess 5 failed attempts makes me the worlds biggest loser. I might as well resign myself to living at this point.

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Chronic PainMy Suicide Note

Is there any counter argument?

by Broken Ninja
written by Broken Ninja

Hi.  I’m not sure if I want to live right now.  I’ve been rereading a suicide note that I wrote a while back, trying to change its meaning into something less bleak.  The problem is, I’m a fairly good writer, (even though it hurts to do so).  I’m scared to die, but I can’t stand this.  Would anyone be willing to lend a counter-argument to it?  I know it’s not much, but I can send you a few dollars over PayPal as a thank you if you want.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1igVZfUQq7IbhJDjGhZ9qyEGVGbAbIpyy9or04P1Xd9s/edit?usp=drivesdk

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

My way of goodbyes

by slowly-leaving
written by slowly-leaving

I wrote a letter yesterday to my grandma telling her to not blame herself for my decision. No one was to blame for what I have done. I lost my papa in 2017 and I have not coped well since then. I died with him and I have finally understood what that meant. My boyfriend has tried to help me but I don’t share my feelings. So my decision comes from only me. I am alone and have always been alone. No matter how many people I surround myself with, I have always felt alone.

It makes things like this easier because I don’t have anyone to say anything to me that might change my mind. And honestly I questioned everyday why I was even here? Why was I born to hurt? Why my parents left me at 3? Why Michael let me be abused by his gf and her sons? Why didn’t Deanna want me? Why birth me if you didn’t want me? Why did I have to have pain? Why did Michael have to run in and out of my life, continuously failing me as a father? Why is my grandma getting remarried? It’s only been a year since my papa passed. I wish you all could hear how she talks about her new life now. She’s happy but she’s quick to tell me , papa is gone and she’s about to get a new family. Am I not her family anymore? Everything is changing and it hurts. It all hurts. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because they’ll make me feel guilty. I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems because I know someone has it worse then me and I feel guilty for even sharing this.
I don’t need anymore reason to finish everything. I made my peace with it and I can’t even say sorry about it. Who is honestly going to miss me? It’s been proven time and time again that thing are always fault and it’s easy to cast me aside.
I don’t share my feelings for a reason because nobody cares. At least when I wrote my feelings down I get it out but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing does.

I think things would be better off without me. My parents wouldn’t have to feel guilty about me. There wouldn’t be a reason to since I’m no longer here. I feel that would make them feel better. As for my grandma she’s looking forward to her future and I don’t think it would bother her much for me not to be apart of it. It already sounds like I’m not so there’s really no reason for me to stay right? I don’t think so either.

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Chronic PainRants

Something Is Very Wrong

by LiquidHuman
written by LiquidHuman

Something is seriously wrong with me.

I always knew that. Even as a kid, I knew I was fucked in the head. With no other way of explaining it, I deduced that I was actually a demon. I know that’s not the case now. I’m just broken. No, broken would imply that I was able to process the world properly at one point. I’m not broken. I’m dysfunctional. A misshapen gear unable to mesh with the other cogs in the works.

Most people are driven to work towards their goals, to make their mark in the world, to fight for what they believe is right. I don’t. Activism upsets me, change terrifies me, and my ideals are there one day and gone the next. Nothing I am is set in stone. I’m too easily swayed, too quickly convinced I’m in the wrong. At this point, what is right or wrong anymore? Who dictates it? God, society, psychology? Maybe, maybe, and maybe. My brain wraps around concepts and unravels at counterpoints, to the point where I legitimately don’t believe anything anymore. I’m eternally passive towards politics and things of the like. After all, my opinions are dust in the wind, flying out of sight the second they reach the open air.

It’s come to the point where I’m bitter towards those with set goal, set morals, set aspirations. But even more so, I’m bitter towards myself. I don’t feel as though I belong with anyone who I’m dictated to side with. Not with women, not with people of my race, not with Christians, not with the LGBT community. It’s all so rigid, and yet eternally moving at a breakneck pace. Like a freight train. If I stand in the way, I’ll be run over on the tracks.

I want to be dead. Because as of right now, death is my only constant aspiration. Why stay? I hate myself, and if I have to reside on this earth of constant noise any longer, I’ll soon grow to hate everyone else.

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Chronic PainMy Suicide Note

Maybe this is hell? Can’t believe it didn’t work.

by johnwhogivesashit
written by johnwhogivesashit

So I drank some vodka popped like 3 barbiturate pills and snorted as much heroin as I could manage before passing out and I still managed to death rattle 4 fucking hours to be “saved” by my mom. Fuck my life. This is like 4 times failing to die overdosing on heroin. Yes it’s definitely heroin as I found out in the 2 weeks of being restrained first at the hospital and then at the mental loony bin that was worse than jail. If I had known it was this hard to die from heroin I would have been a lot less carful in the past. Fucking government propaganda. I guess all these deaths are people seriously trying to reach Oblivion. I clearly don’t want it bad enough. I guess number 5 is going to take being truely extra. I thought that was going to be enough i mean fuck I made sure I had no tolerance by laying off for weeks. Most embarrassing demeaning shit. Either I’m imortal, I’m in hell aready and there’s nowhere to go, or it’s just not possible to od and die snorting it. I’m going to have to get a needle to really make sure. How does anyone die from this shit? I did like 4 times more than would be required even to a acheive Oblivion and be asleep…Found out at the hospital the reason for all my pain..3 herniated discs. Now I know I’ll always be in extreme pain just makes me want to die that much more.

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Chronic PainRants

I want the pain to stop. Here is my story.

by NiceGuy2001
written by NiceGuy2001

I just

want

the pain

to stop.

My friend A_____ turned 50 last year. I organized a nice little birthday gathering for him, which was especially meaningful for everyone since he’s battling mantle cell lymphoma (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mantle_cell_lymphoma), and optimistically has another five years to live.

I’ve known A_____ for at least five years. I certainly considered him a friend before his cancer diagnosis several years ago, and as soon as I knew what he was facing, I promised myself that whatever support he needed, I would always be there for him.

We’ve always had a very easygoing, normal friendship. He has always treated me with nothing but kindness and respect. We’ve always had a great time playing backgammon together, laughing and ragging on each other in a good-natured way. He trusted me enough to go down to Tennessee with me for the big solar eclipse back in 2017, even when he know we’d be sharing the same motel bed (I had made the reservation a year earlier), which I’m sure was no small thing for him.

And YES, he is a perfectly normal, well-adjusted, relentlessly heterosexual guy. He is as Straight as a two-by-four, as we say. So imagine how horrified I was when I realized I had fallen in love with him.

It was one night in February of 2018, down at the little dive where we play backgammon. On this particular evening it was pretty crowded, and I was seated at a table with some friends of mine. At one point I spotted A_____ up near the bar talking with some other people, and he was laughing and gabbing and carrying on as he does. And I sat there, watching him, listening to his voice from across the room …. and suddenly I realized that as I was watching him and listening to him, I was slowly stroking the beard on my chin.

And I CAUGHT myself doing that, and I thought, “Whoa whoa WHOA, what are you doing? Stop that! What the fuck? Don’t even GO there, ha ha!”

But suddenly I was very alarmed at how I would be watching A_____ like that. And when I started thinking about it and examining my feelings, it began to dawn on me that I had been thinking about A_____. A lot.

And that’s when I really , really started to PANIC.

As soon as I got home, I got online and started furiously Googling words and phrases and questions, and cross-referencing things in a desperate effort to find a website or a chat room or a discussion group where someone could give me some advice, because if I didn’t nip this thing in the bud, I was doomed. I was thinking, “I can’t believe this had to happen to ME! I don’t WANT this! I don’t NEED this! What do I do? What do I DO????”

Eventually I made contact with people who knew what I was going through. None of the answers were good. Some people said, “Look, just hang in there, you’ll eventually get over it.” Others said it was best for me to stay as far away from A_____ as possible. But how could I abandon my friend? HE’S the one with CANCER!

So panic gave way to pain. And the pain eventually gave way to deep, deep despair.

Even worse is that over the past year I have learned something very ugly about myself: My capacity for JEALOUSY. I’ve never had to deal with jealousy until the past year. And I HATE it. It’s NOT who I’m supposed to be!

I have always striven to be a kinder person, the best friend anyone could ever have, so that when it’s my time to go, at least I’ll be well spoken of and well remembered. I think that’s all any of us could ever ask for. And I was at peace with that, even if I finished out the rest of my life alone and unloved.

But when THIS happened, sixteen months ago, that peace of mind I had achieved was fucked all to hell.

Sixteen months of despair. Some days have been better than others. But every time the despair hits me particularly hard, it wears me down just a little bit more. And now I’m at a point where there’s nothing left to wear down.

A_____ did nothing wrong. I have done nothing wrong. The only thing I’m guilty of is having a heart, and no one ever said the human heart was logical.

I just

want

the pain

to stop.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

my father yawning makes me wanna die

by an_old_child
written by an_old_child

i can’t take it anymore. i hate it when he yawns, when he makes a disgusting sound when he drinks tee, when he chews food with open mouth, when he licks his fingers when he eats (I MEAN WHO ON EARTH DOES THAT!) when he makes some disgusting sound i don’t know if there’s a word for it… when he’s not doing anything with his fucking mouth but still there is a disgusting sound. OH and when he kisses my niece and nephew (his grand children) he makes this hateful disgusting sound with his wet lips UGHHH…

i mean like i’m in my room doing my shit and focusing and enjoying my life and the suddenly he YAWNS so loudly that i want to KILL MYSELF!

sometimes i with i was at least deaf. it’s true that then i wouldn’t be able to play piano or listen to music but that’s okay, as long as his disgusting sounds doesn’t make me wanna RIP MY EAR OFF. i mean last night i was in my room and i literally hit my head on the floor and it hurt so much. i can’t take it. i don’t know how to solve this problem.

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Chronic Pain

Can you be saved?

by ELECTRICAT
written by ELECTRICAT

Do you know that feeling where your chest tightens and you can’t breathe, can’t sleep, can’t even talk and you just sit there and cry because you’re tired of this?

The room is quiet but you can’t seem to focus because your mind is too loud, you cried but no one can hear you and you smile but no one see through you. When you’re outside all you want to be is your bed and when you’re in bed you can’t sleep because these whispers become louder than your own voice! And you are struggling to keep yourself together although you’re already broken apart and the only question left is are you worthy of saving? can you truly be saved by all these? As much as you want to believe you can, you know that you fall too deep to find help because you’re alone.

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Chronic PainGeneralSuicidal Survivors

Fuck, it didn’t work

by johnwhogivesashit
written by johnwhogivesashit

God dammit. I feel like the worlds biggest failure. Can’t even overdose on heroin properly. Got a half gram with my last 40 dollars and snorted like half of it over a day or so. Then when I finally worked up the courage or a case of the fuck it’s or whatever I of course didn’t get the needle like I knew I would need. Snorted the rest in a huge stupid ass line I was sure would work. Guess it’s going to take more than that. All I remember is snorting it. Laying down and then I was half blacking out stumbling around the house running into my useless unloving parents trying to say that I was just super dehydrated and shit. I don’t even remember laying back down but I do remember them checking my eyes and telling me to sit on a chair they put in the hallway and filling up a glass of water a couple times. Fucking woke up the next morning out of dope and still alive. Idk guess I gotta go pawn something or rob the dope man. Idk. Fucking ridiculous. Next time I’m getting like 2 grams and eating one and snorting the rest. Still gotta say fuck needles but then again maybe it’s worth it for that final euphoric buzz and to just make sure. I hate booze so I’m not mixing it. Got some Xanax and barbiturates. Just need the h. Clearly overdosing on h is harder than you would think and that was with like no opiate tolerance. Guess I’m too big for that. Least I get decent dope. It’s pretty raw and euphoric. That fentanyl shit you get west side of Chicago gives you the nods but not the euphoric buzz. I’m just sick of failed attempts. This is like the 3rd time Ive basically had overdose symptoms and haven’t died. I know why I keep failing. I don’t want to waste any dope. Couple days of erupic buzz to work up and then blow the last of it but I’m pinching penny. What do I care if I do 3x what I need to fucking die. I’ll be dead. Not like it’s going to waste. It’s a worthy cause. Here’s to magic number 4.. hehe number 4 heroin now there’s irony. Maybe that’s what was missing a truly ironic death.

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Chronic PainRants

The Cousin of Death

by LiquidHuman
written by LiquidHuman

I can’t sleep. Thoughts are swarming round my head. I keep swatting them away, but they keep coming back. It’s been like this for months now. The thoughts come at night. When all I want to do is sleep. But I’m always afraid. Every fucking hour of every damn day.

I just want to die. Finally drop dead and let the thoughts and anxieties drop dead with me. It doesn’t matter what anyone says. Life is not worth the pain I constantly feel.

If I can’t die, I at least want to sleep.

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Chronic PainRants

Ugh

by uonlyhaveurself
written by uonlyhaveurself

I hate this, I hate being alone and waking up and knowing this person doesn’t want me and that I’m such a fuckup and I can’t talk to anyone about how much I just want to be dead without them calling 911 on me, no one to watch over me it’s just taking so much for me right now just to not end it all because nobody fucking cares they all just want to ruin my future and put me in a hospital, they don’t make you better they just make you numb. I have to suppress all my fucking feelings so I don’t fucking break down and kill myself or get myself killed

 

I wish I was worth more so I didn’t have to feel any of this

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Chronic PainRants

The Oncoming Train

by LiquidHuman
written by LiquidHuman

I just prayed for my death tonight.

I did this a few times before. I won’t say I’m extremely religious, but I do believe someone is out there. It’s comforting sometimes. However, it wouldn’t bother me too much if I crossed to the other side and was just met with a blank emptiness. Honestly, the eternal quiet would be a good change of pace. So whether I’m proven wrong or right, as long as I get to rest in peace, that’s fine with me.

As for the reason I prayed for my death, let’s just say I’m terrified. I’ve been low key terrified for months now about the state of the world. Stuff like political unrest, climate change, and even just advancing in my own life: it all just scares the shit out of me. It didn’t used to. When I was a teenager I was depressed, but these issues just felt so far away. Now, they’ve made a home inside me. They’re living in my brain, leeching off me and disrupting my life. I live in constant fear and anxiety. I feel like the world is ending. And the worst part is, it’s ending slow. Like I’m tied to the train tracks, just watching the oncoming train get closer and closer. No escape. No hope.

So I prayed. I prayed that before the calamity hits, I’ll be killed. Not like an illness that will whittle me down slowly. Like a car that I only just realized was speeding towards me while crossing the road. Something quick like that. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to watch the panic in the streets. I don’t want to see the fear on my family’s faces. I just want to fade away before the tragedy strikes.

I can only hope God delivers.

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Chronic PainGeneralRants

It hurts to hurt

by suffocated-samantha
written by suffocated-samantha

Look at me from the outside and tell me, “she has nothing to be sad about, her life is great!” and I say, “step inside my mind for a day and tell me the same thing tomorrow” You cant.. because living in the turmoil, anxiety, depression, bi-polar, obsessive brain that is mine will make you be happy you live in your own head. I cant even remember the last time I felt genuine happiness, and its getting pretty frustrating to wake up and hurt all the time. I want nothing more than to feel okay, to not feel anguish or suicidal. Just for one stinking day..

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