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I wanna end this quick

by Coracora
written by Coracora

For the past week, I am not feeling myself lately and this is not relatively a new feeling, but this past week has been more aggressive than its ever been and culminating today was the disaster i dont wanna think it is , but dismissing so , would not just be denial but also forthright i donno what, i am at a loss for flowery words, right now the only thought pulsing through my mind, is that i have to end this the quickest way possible i want to jump off a cliff,possibly a tavern, hack my heart with an axe, bleed till i die, but the moment i think i might end up with a botched up whatever suicide attempt, would make me feel worse than the most repulsive beggar in say an eternal time plane., for i dont believe finding beggars on earth repulsive is bad morality, i respect every being on earth equally,that term was just meant to signify my emotional and mental being and state right now, it is as if everything primal , normal and just everything in my life is slipping away from me. Parents of one of the members in my family passed away and another member who i was close too all my childhood is an emotionally stunted adult who might as well hack me to death just by emotionally stunting me sooner or later. He/She is an awesome person though.I am not crying for attention from abuse or anything.That doesnt me lack thereof either.Its like my apocalypse is today.Another person is not going through a good weather either.Its like my whole family is thrown into a shredder and the whole world , even trash who is just good at nothing but cheap and mediocre politics and manipulation is derisively mocking at me, since hey my weather is the worst.
Thoroughly unrelated to the drama , I also kinda like a person whos forbidden sweet, whom i knew only for three months and its been a year and im sure he/shes forgotten all about me, but sometimes i just feel i wanna leave everything and wanna spend the rest of my life wrapped in his/her arms.But I also know,probably that person would probably have forgotten though im sure he/she had a deep mutual emotional connection or was it just a fake skindeep thing and that person might actually find me repulsive in my current state of despair, and anyway he/she could just put me in a stranger bracket and maybe ill never get to even encounter him or her or even if i did never be nearly proximal again, but right now though my current state has nothing to do with a triviality like a boy or a girl fancy,makes me think a life spent in his/her arms would just be enough or even death in his arms with him/her not being indifferent to me would be enough, or

maybe i am using a boy/girl fancy distraction as an escapade to the hellish nightmare i am in right now.
sorry for wasting all your time

and maybe i am a stranger to everyone on earth and i just deserve to hack myself with an axe and bleed myself till i die. Though i know human flesh is not butter but sinew and that process is too violent for not meek but genuine and earnest me. I know reading this, already quite a lot of people are sneering on me, disgusted abt me, thinking i am a loser, but i am not, i have been the toughest and valiant with glorious failures and few contentment which was rationally good. But right now i m kinda in my early to mid twenties and i am scared where life is going, that maybe when im thirty itll just end up being a routine i want to die. and life today now this moment is more excruciating than i could have ever imagined. I wanna die before anything else falls apart. Its life every positive force in my body is soul sucked out of me. Hope im not creating despair by last statement to any reader here.Whatever shit im going through i know u must have urs of ur own magnitude as well, so out of pure love, i want you to know, i am sending love.
Thank you,
If i am dead , please observe one moment of silence for me,
if i end up surviving this, thank you for giving me this platform to write it out now.
Anyway right now its quite schrodingers cat isnt it.
With love,
CoraCora

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Chronic PainRants

i want to break up with my boyfriend

by viola
written by viola

he is one of the most decent persons i know. the problem is that i’m a piece of shit who would rather run away from all my problems and leave no one with my burdens. i want to run away from everything, everything. i just wanna shut myself and play games and sleep in my room. i don’t want to interact with anyone in real life. there’s no point for me to participate in society anyway. i’m just a useless person who keeps giving out half-assed work because i’m so burned out and depressed.

he doesn’t deserve a piece of shit like me. at this point, i feel it would be easier to just read reader inserts about my favorite characters and live in a pretend world with these fictional characters than to interact with actual people. everything goes my way. everything finally goes my way. everything isn’t turning to shit. i don’t want to go on a wild goose chase for a grain of pleasure for this short, stupid life. i know it’s stupid that by breaking up with my boyfriend, i’m practically throwing a huge part of my happiness away. but as long as he learns to live without me, it’ll be fine. i’ll be fine.

maybe i’ll become a shut in. maybe maybe. but my parents will get mad at me. mad mad mad. maybe i should kill myself. but how do i kill myself if i always fail? the worst that had happened in my attempts in that my neck became bruised and in another attempt, my liver was in pain for a few hours. i want to run away from everyone, so that no one EVER interferes with my plans EVER again. humans are so stupid. they worry so much when you tell them you want to kill yourself and then stop caring when you go like, “fine! i won’t do it.”

is there any place i can run to? and by run to, i mean, i don’t mind living lowkey for the rest of my life — if i live as a shut-in, i’ll probably die earlier than expected because of not eating and shit. i don’t want to live on this world anymore.

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Chronic PainRants

i feel worthless and i want to become a shut-in

by viola
written by viola

i have to make so many posters in 3 days. should’ve started over the break but my dumbass didn’t because i love to procrastinate. i am so stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid

i am incompetent. so incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent

i am worthless. so worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless

i don’t deserve my happiness in this life. i deserve the worst kind of death. the worst kind of punishment

dear god please just kill me now i’m so sorry to my dog and my boyfriend and my family and my friends

gomennasai. gomen ne

this world is so cold.
cold
cold
cold
cold
cold
cold
cold
cold
cold…

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Chronic Pain

Why?

by pitbully
written by pitbully

It’s been about 10 years since I last posted here. A lot can happen in that length of time, and a lot did happen. Little of it was any good, but there you go.

My dad, for whom I was a full-time live-in caregiver, died about 2-1/2 years ago, from cancer. Last year, both my cat and dog died. I’ve still got a mum around, but her health is sketchy. I’m finally employed, but in a very part-time capacity, and tenuously so. Turns out I missed a deadline (completely my fault) and that will play a significant role in determining whether I am rehired when the current contract expires. I tutor at a college near where I live, and tutor contracts are on a per-quarter basis. Moreover, the job is at-will employment, so no reason is needed to fire me (and stupid me gave them a reason.) The really pathetic part is that I’ve only had the job for a couple of weeks.

Then there was the volunteer gig I started last year. I was spending a lot of time there, really enjoying what I was doing (working on bikes). Had hopes that, at some point, I might get a chance to try for an actual job there. The odds were slim that I’d ever get hired, but it felt good that I’d found something positive, and was excited about the possibility (however scant) of turning it into something I could do full-time.

Oh yeah, and I was diagnosed as bipolar last year. This was 25 years in the making. Before my very first hospitalization lo those many years ago, my PCP suspected bipolar. All I really knew about it was that people liked to use the term as a slur against others, and that it was a lifetime affair. I wanted no part of either, so I downplayed any behaviors that corresponded to common symptoms she described. After said hospitalization, when I had a very bad reaction to Zoloft (my current shrink told me that I’m lucky it wasn’t Prozac, else I’d likely be dead or in jail), I was given lithium as a mood stabilizer. It worked quite well, while I took it (losing one’s insurance is really fun, right?) That should’ve been enough to convince me that there was more than “agitated depression” in play. No dice. The intervening years were a mish-mash of alternating between getting shit done and shitting on everyone around me. Then the diagnosis. And new meds. And feeling that, at least, I was starting to get a better handle on regulating myself.

Life, it seems, is not without a cruel sense of humor.

I mucked up the volunteer gig, too. The shop decided to stop allowing volunteers to spend excessive time at the shop. They had reasons, probably even good reasons. In fact, I knew that this might happen at some point, and on an intellectual level, agreed with the decision when it was made. This was about a week before Xmas. And even though I understood the decision, the overwhelming feeling was like I’d lost a job right before the holidays. Not rational, but then, feelings aren’t rational creatures. By the time I got home, my feeling had progressed from feeling I’d lost opportunities to taking on every bit of guilt for the decision being made. Somehow, I’d talked myself into taking blame for something that had little to do with me personally. (Even now, a month removed, I still feel responsible for the decision.) I exchanged emails with the shop manager. What I actually wrote is kind of a blur. I’m pretty sure I apologized for making things so tough. I know I mentioned that I’d felt like I felt that my chances of progressing any further were hampered. I did tell them I didn’t feel like I couldn’t come in anymore (a mish-mash of the guilt and the feeling of loss). I never mentioned that I felt somehow devalued, like the contributions I’d made in that time were taken for granted.

Funny thing about those meds, is that I think I assumed that I wouldn’t really have the swings anymore, so I could really focus on living, and being a good person, and all that shit, without the constant bounce between peak and valley. Of course, the swings still exist, they’re just damped down. And if I’m triggered (even unintentionally), it can still take me to a bad place. And it did. Therapy hasn’t helped much, although it’s still early going.

So now, I’m faced with the spectre of (probably) losing the only two positive things I’d built for myself in the last decade. And the loss, in both cases, is on me, undeniably so. I can’t get out of my own fucking way. Ironically, this was the “best” super-low point I’ve ever had. No screaming, yelling, cursing. Overwhelming sadness and guilt and grief, and the attempt to pull away from people I’d come to care about very much, to try and hide away and keep my pain away (which of course made my expression of the pain worse.) But hey, no putting my head through walls, so there’s that.

If it weren’t for my mom needing help, and my promise to my dad, on his deathbed, that I would make sure to be there for mom for as long as she needed me, I’d be done right now. Right now, I just want to hang on, let my mom live out her life as best she can, hopefully for a long time still. But when she’s gone, I suspect I’ll off myself. I can’t see myself surviving in this world without anyone else. Shockingly, I’m 51 and still single. Fuck, I’m 51 and still a virgin. Pathetic.

And I wish I could show them this screed. Help them understand that I know it’s not them, and I don’t think that it’s them, that I know it’s me, that is the problem. I want someone to understand, to see the scabs and scars, and tell me that I’m still worthy of friendship. But no one does, or wants to, or should have to just because I want it.

Life it seems to fade away/Drifting further every day/Getting lost within myself/Nothing matters, no one else/I have lost the will to live/Simply nothing more to give/There is not much left for me/Need the end to set me free.

James Hetfield, Metallica
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Chronic PainGeneralRants

I Sabotage Myself

by yeetme
written by yeetme

It’s fucked, I know
Right when things go well, I go and fuck it all up
Like just now
I have a boyfriend, a new position in my workplace that doesn’t suck ASS. I’m away from an emotionally abusive mother and an apathetic brother.
But you had to start cutting again?
I wish I could just die, but I have too many connections right now. The most logical way for me to go is in a way that causes the least pain towards the people around me.
I’ve thought about ruining all my relationships. Just becoming belligerent and hateful for the sake that they see me the way I see myself. So they leave me because I deserve to be alone and hated.
I want to be in pain. I want to be hated because that’s what I deserve
I’ve inconvenienced too many people just by existing. I’m too open and I’m too weird and I can’t keep my damn mouth shut
I wish it was easier to develop amnesia. I wish I could just forget EVERYTHING
The good and the bad. I want to start new in an adult body.
But now, all I have is a razor, three bottles of pills, and myself.
How long will I last?

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Chronic PainMy Suicide NoteStories of Loss

It is what It is…

by JohnDoe88
written by JohnDoe88

I have depression since I can remember. As a kid went through all sorts of family violence and abuse (being sexual the only exception I think). an alcoholic father, 2 much bigger siblings that used to bull me and beat me real bad sometimes… (It’s ok, I Don’t blame them anymore. I feel like they had their own issues as well…) No one to talk to or ask me what was wrong… Alone at home. Alone at school… Running to uncles and neighbors whenever my dad freaked out and tried to kill my mom, sleeping on couches. Never having a place… feeling like total stranger no matter where, at bat spot, bad time, like a terrible and random accident.

Happens so, I never had a treatment and this brought me a trauma that I carried on to adult life. It damaged me. I should have taken care of myself so much better .. :’/

Every time something wrong happened, I Just felt the trigger… every thing was like life telling me: “what are u doing? You shouldn’t even be here”

I never had a social life. Every single person I met was from college, work and stuff like that. My life was always like talking to cousins, rarely going out, from home to work…
I had some teen and adult short relationships in life, people came and went away, people that I could not really talk to. They wouldn’t understand. I knew the problem was me. Those people just looked beautiful and normal. I’m not a normal human being. Always knowing that nobody would trully understand me, and know what is like to have those Memories that “I shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t have been born” even as little child I asked myself why… Grabbing my dad’s gun and thinking about suicide.

Life went on, but my pains did not get away. With every fall and deception was like life reminding I shouldn’t be here… Wrong spot, worng time, wrong planet, I feel like an extra terrestrial to this very day.. And at the hardest times, the Idea of a rest feels like the most reliable one. Yeah, nobody “out there” really knows how depression is…

I had couple years ago one single person that embraced me as I am. Loved me for what I was. She also didnt have much, no family, she bet all she had on us… I had a chance for a fresh start, but I messed up terribly. I hurt her. I gave her nothing but disappointment. I failed her.

I could have made everything different.

People think about the chance of life, the job of life, the love of life…

I commited the mistake of my life…

I get up and back to bed feeling guilty for what I did.

Well, I’m so tired… I’m done. And I can’t take not having a single ordinary sleep anymore… Or not feeling the taste of food or a good glass of water. I can’t be here anymore.

I only have 2 people in the family that love and care for me, my mother and my sister in law… God, please, forgive me, but I will have to hurt them big, this time though, It is not a mistake. It’s just running out of choices.

Mom, Sand… I’m sorry. I just can’t. I hope you understand.

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Chronic PainGeneral

Why was i even born?To suffer or to die every day?

by Antony
written by Antony

Today i cut myself 34 times on arms because i couldn’t handle the pain of not being loved by the person who i love the most in this world.She hates me the most in this world.i hadn’t done anything wrong to her i just said that i love her.She crucifies me each day by ignoring me.My time on this Earth will soon come to an End.”I’m lost and it kills me inside”.

Even my best friend doesn’t talk to me.My Family accusess me of everything going wrong inside the house.My whole family is troubled and my whole life is Fucked Up.

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Chronic PainGeneralRants

I like rains, it kills people

by crabby
written by crabby

I have been hurt by a lot of people. Abused, verbally, physically, sexually. I was made to remain silent because the one who did it to me was a medical student. The faculty said it was for the sake of inpatients in this medical school, I had to stay shut and allow myself to see him abusing more people. They made me fail a module as a threat, and as punishment for disturbing their peace. I lost all of the money I collected to retake the semester. I have no money to treat mg breast tumor

Then this year came. It rains, A LOT. Oh for so many day. I look at the rain from my apartment far away, noted how I love the sounds and how clean the air became after it stops. I love how the thunders shakes building, reminds me of how angry I am toward this city and everyone in it

Then the flood came to the city, to my medschool educational hospital and homes, from slums to villas. And on the new year eve, god did it STORMED. 2020 was started with flood so violent 19.000 people become refuge, around 16 people died already.

Obviously I have nothing to do with the flood. Not because some bullshit reason like myself keeping the environment clean or some shit, but because my apartment is in the next city. Those people are the reason I lost all my money, the reason they allowed my rapist to run free. Those “potential patients” of my medschool. And now I can watch them suffer from high above. I can watch cadavers from forensic department rots in the water and as my evil professors struggle to move away their beloved little medals to another office. Suffer all of you bastards, suffer like I did. Cry to god and demand him to give you reason why did this happened to you, and expect silence. Go and feel the abandonment and despair. Suffer!

I have always wished to die in the sea. The place where I came from have a big, open ocean where my body will never be found. At least some of my diluted body fluid can become the next year’s flood and I can participate in making them suffer more next time. This line of thinking should have give other despair, but it give me hope.

Oh this year’s flash floods will probably stay until mid-march. Its gonna keep raining until then. And until then, I can, for once a year, stare at the cloudy sky and feel a sliver of contentment in my painful absurd life.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends Effects

Family and The End

by LiquidHuman
written by LiquidHuman

Hey.

So this is kind of a very belated response to my last post.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone that responded to it. I was in a very dark place. Still am, actually. But it helps to know that there are people who actually took the time to acknowledge someone who is quite literally facing their own mortality. I won’t say I have it as bad as other people on here, but I’ve never been an emotionally sound person to begin with, so I guess this just hit me harder than it should.

I’m still going through with the plan. I know a lot of people won’t understand this, given that I didn’t specify my reasons for setting a deadline for myself. That said, I don’t feel as scared as I did when I posted last time. I feel like the emotions have numbed. I wonder if I’ve entered the stage of acceptance yet. Or maybe I’m still in denial. Who knows? But a few things have happened in my life lately that have finalized my decision. I realized that in the real world, I’m alone. Not for lack of trying, but every time I reach out, I only seem to get hurt. Or I hurt someone else. My family doesn’t seem to want to discuss my problems, or they just make me feel like an idiot for feeling this way. I don’t know if I can fault them for that anymore. It’s not that I don’t love them, or that they don’t love me. But lately, I feel like my love has tethered me to them. It makes me feel guilty for standing up for myself with them when I probably should. It makes me ashamed for upsetting them when they themselves probably should have been more supportive and understanding. For some reason, I always end up being the bad guy. I know I’m not perfect, but it hurts when I’m left to cry on my own. I thought family was supposed to help you. I thought they were supposed to be by your side. But lately, it feels like my family members are just fairweather friends. Like I have to force a smile whenever I’m around them. Or they’ll tell me to stop being so down all the time. They don’t know I cry almost every night in bed. They don’t know most of my panic attack happen when they’re not around and I have to deal with them myself. (And when I do have a panic attack around them, they treat it more like an annoyance than anything else.) And they definitely don’t know about my plan to off myself. I’ve just grown to accept that this is my relationship with them. A complicated one that I feel guilty ending, but unhappy staying in. I wish I didn’t love them back. I wish they didn’t love me. That would make this whole thing easier. If I knew they didn’t love me, or if I didn’t love them, I probably would have ended my life a long time ago. I wish things were more black and white between us. That way, I wouldn’t be unhappy with either decision.

So, I made a compromise. I’d kill myself after I leave home. Not directly after, of course. I’d leave home, slowly drift away from my family, until they give up on trying to contact me. Then I’ll just wait until my 35th birthday when I’m supposed to off myself. I’m still not sure about the method right now. A gun would be ideal, but who knows what the political climate around gun control will be by that time. So, if that’s the case I’ll go with either hanging or jumping from a building. I’ve been trying to hold myself back on any unplanned suicidal urges. The more spontaneous the suicide, the more likely it is to fail after all. I just repeat to myself how many years I have left. Over and over. It was always oddly calming. It helped me sleep, it calms me down. It’s like a weird meditative mantra I have now. Probably not a good one, since it means I’m going to end my life, but hey. Whatever helps me sleep at night.

You know what’s weird? I’m way less emotional with the thought of ending it all than I am with anything else. Like, to give you a little behind-the-scenes information, I was crying while typing about the stuff involving my family, but I calmed down while I was writing about killing myself. That’s almost funny in a depressing kind of way.

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Chronic PainGeneralPoetry & Art

My Demons dont even bother.

by JudgeMeNot
written by JudgeMeNot

I’ve come so far yet learned nothing.

Took a risk in hope to better my confidence. Failed to understand the simplest of obstacles. Isolated long enough to meet the stranger I see in the mirror, it stands with no emotion. My world is full of confusion, more of the same shit everyday.

My life if you can call it that. The purpose is to evolve and participate in modern society. Work, Love and Raise children. Everyone must contribute. I on the other hand have been left to my own perception, which is dangerous given you need others opinions to know right and wrong, to trust and deflect ideas. Pure loneliness has become my illness. I’m 25. I dont go out. I do everything alone. I save more money and only get to worry about myself, sounds good I guess. But if you cant get comfortable not having the attention from others than you will suffer in your own little world, that being my bedroom.

I don’t know how to live. I’m scared of what’s behind my bedroom door. I’m a slave to the unknown. I miss dating.. to be loved. To be looked at. To kiss and hold.

I’ve practice becoming the monster I fear the most because it’s all that I’ve ever felt..

It’s better to feel pain than to not feel at all.

My demons see this. They can smell how pathetic I am. They dont even bother.

 

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Chronic Pain

My Darkness

by malibubrad
written by malibubrad

I don’t really know what to tell you. Your influence has permeated every state of my being. I have tasted many different flavors of your catalogue. Loneliness, isolation, pain. How could anyone even begin to understand? I walk a road that ends in death. No one connects; let alone has the ability to help. Maybe I should have taken that woman’s advice. Maybe I should have joined that group. How should I gauge my contribution to this pit inside of me? Either way, it’s become my home. I spend my day in pain, ready to say goodbye to Mother Nature and Father Time. I cry to the heavens, but all forms of relief are temporary (at best). My road has always been my own. Nothing will change it now. No amount of superficial adoration, no amount of religious outreach, and no amount of hedonist pleasure. It’s funny, because I’ve always been relatively successful. It’s hard for me to think of one thing that I haven’t achieved, when I put in the work. It’s hard for me to think of one person who hasn’t sung the praises of my potential. Well, not exactly. I never got along with anyone in my school years. Everyone was just too hard to figure out, so I retreated to isolation. And thus, it is the same. Every achievement has been met with the same empty misery. Every sign of progress did nothing to quell the demons inside me. So now it is like I enjoy my suffering. It’s always been there for me. Pain offers a release that the hardest drugs have failed to offer. So where do I go from here? One can only feel so much pain before he is destroyed.

This was just a journal entry I wrote about my depressive states. If you made it here, thank you for your time.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Being a good and nice person is not enough

by niki
written by niki

You also must be ‘smart’ especially in terms of knowing how to make money. And often times, that also means you also have to be opportunistic, follow the system & rules (just like everybody else), even be cunning, sly, ruthless, brash, full of tricks, greedy, selfish, ready to step on other people who are ‘weaker’ (eg: poorer, etc).

Money is everything in our modern society today, unfortunately. It’s all about money nowadays. And if you can’t beat the system, then you have to join them. Everyday you are forced to survive, or for survival. And if you’re not strong enough to follow the system/rules, then too bad, either you will lose, get left out, get sidelined, trampled, kicked in a dirt, become a loser or failure in society, or you will die because you can’t survive.

Maybe life is just not for everyone. Maybe some of us are not meant to live in this world, society, existence, or whatever it is. Maybe it’s all really random and nihilistic, ie: some will live, and some will die. Just like ants, some will survive, and some will be killed, can’t survive, got unfortunate/bad luck, and die.

Life is depressing. Society is depressing. This world is depressing. Even all this whole existence thing is just depressing, mundane/boring, very limiting, sick, pointless/meaningless (for some people who really realize it), and honestly, everything is just so stupid.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide Note

(C)Rude

by Been Here Too Long
written by Been Here Too Long

I’ve managed to screw up everything good I had going and turn it all into a bunch of fucked up shit, like always.  I’m shit at my job, and I accidentally fucked some shit up because I’m too fucking stupid and cowardly to ask for help.  I’m too much of a coward to speak to my college advisor and schedule my classes for next semester.  I’m going to fuck up my French final because I am too fucking stupid to understand which verb tense to use and I’m apparently fucking too incompetent to even understand the review.  I’m too much for a close friend of mine to deal with, and I’m already so much of a burden to him.  My parents don’t want me, but all the same, they want to come see me for a little while during the break.  I moved 13 hours away so I could avoid them; they abused me for years, and now that I’m out of the house, they want to pretend like they care about me, and I want to crawl right back to them like the spineless attention-goblin that I am.  My roommate hates me and would be significantly better off without me.

I think I’m intrinsically inferior to everyone.  I’ve thought that even since before my parents started severely abusing me, so it’s not some dumb trauma thought that I should be able to dismiss.  I’ve known since the beginning that I’m subhuman.  I’ve never been the protagonist of my own life; at best, my most important role was as the antagonist.  I’m so overwhelmingly and inherently selfish, and I hate that, so I fight as hard as I can against my nature.  That’s all I’ve ever been able to do, fight against what is natural.  I’ve fought for so long that I don’t even know what natural looks like anymore.  It’s not even much of a decision for me to make anymore; everything has led me to this. There is no other way my life could’ve gone; this is necessary.

And that’s why I’ll be gone soon.  I’ll finish finals, since I don’t want to stress anyone else out before or during finals week with my suicidal bullshit.  Right after finals week, though, I’m going to find a day I don’t work and overdose and bleed out in the bathroom of the nearby gas station. My crude life is only deserving of a crude death.  I’ll do my best to bleed out over the toilet so as not to make a mess for the worker.  I know my suicide is selfish, but I was always selfish.  All I can do is end that selfishness and try to be as kind to everyone as I can about it.

I’ve bought Christmas presents for my siblings and friend; they deserve nothing but the best, but I was never able to give them anything of quality.  Hopefully they’ll be alright, but I’m too selfish to stop because of that. I’m sorry.

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Chronic PainGeneralMy Suicide Note

quirks of my life, why am I here.

by shaolan
written by shaolan

For some weeks now I have begun the steps to ask for my assisted suicide. It’s something permitted in my country for psychological reason. I guess that some of you will then guess what country it is. I don’t want any comments on my posts if possible.

I’m sorry my posts won’t certainly be very well written and it won’t be very… how can I say that… liquid in the way that ideas will come as they arrive in my head. So be nice please.
I just want to leave my trace. I don’t need any comments or anything alike. I don’t seek for empowerment or pity or that you try to convince me that life is worth living. I just want that you take my memory with you if it’s not too much to ask.
Of course yes people around me will have my memory too yes . That’s true. I can’t deny that.
But they don’t know me for the most part. Most of them knows that I’m not doing well in my head since I’m a teenager but they don’t know how deep it goes. They don’t and can’t actually understand it. But nevertheless it’s written all over my face. Some of my ex-girlfriends told me that it was charming, what «my eyes were saying… such a cheesy thing to say my gosh^^ so moronic too actually. They clearly didn’t know what they were talking about.
But so all those people won’t get the memory of my true me. So I want you to have it. I want you to keep it. To remember it from time to time.
Actually nearly nobody knows about my administrative steps yet. Only 3 people knows among the 20-30 people who I actually have contact with regularly. None of them are my family members. I don’t really have a family anyway. None of them would actually understand it. Nor understand when I don’t feel well.

In French littérature there is this female author: «  Delphine de vigan ». She had written a book about her family and about her mother more specifically. At the end of the book, this is not a spoiler since from the beginning you know she had a very difficult life, her mother kill herself. Before doing that she tried to phone Delphine but she was very busy if I remember correctly, and so she was a bit distracted on the phone. So the call was very brief, but something was off. Her mother clearly wanted to hear her voice one last time. She wanted to say goodbye… and again just by thinking about it I’m crying… how stupid am I, really^^ Her mother kept fighting until the end, she had a lot of psychological problems, way more than me and way less superficial than mine. Real illnesses. But no matter what, she kept fighting. For her children. Until they were old enough.
So after a few days after this phone call, Delphine was a bit worried. She found her on the floor of her empty apartment. Suicide by pills.
Some time after that or the same day I don’t know anymore, she encountered the female psychiatrist of her now dead mother.
Can you guess what the psychiatrist told her ?
« Your mother was a really brave woman. I don’t know how she kept fighting for so long. »

I think that’s the most beautiful thing I ever read or heard about someone. In this world of indifference, this world of self centrism, at least one person did recognize and claim her courage…. recognize that it couldn’t go otherwise… recognize that it was the only possible outcome and that’s totally fine because she kept fighting until the end. Until she couldn’t. Until she had no more energy to give. It’s so … I don’t know how to express my sort of gratitude to this psychiatrist. I would really like that someone could say that about me when I’m gone.

It would be so ….

I can’t…

I can’t find a word… adequate to describe what I feel about this woman.

Well I’m in the same position today. I’m not able to sustain anymore the hunger of energy of this world. I can’t do it. I’m not that strong. I’ve kept fighting for 16 years now. From my 18 to my 34 anniversary now.. Maybe even more because I’m sure I was not already diving before that.
I’m sorry I just can’t no more. I don’t know why I’m apologizing for. You don’t know me after all. But I feel like I have to.
I’ve done nothing with my life. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried I can assure you. But nothing did come through. Maybe I’m using you as witnesses, maybe as tribunal of some sort. Anyway I’m sorry. I know that people are suffering much more than me. I’ve traveled a lot. I’ve seen the world like they say. I’ve seen plenty of poor places. The slum of Rio, Mumbai, Shanghai,… I can always remember those faces that I’ve seen around the world. Among them, in India, Mumbai or was it in Jaipur, this little girl who was so pretty. She must have been 7-9 years old. She was the cliché of what you can imagine of the poorest people on earth. We couldn’t talk about clothes at that point, but she had that face and that beautiful smile… Maybe my father has still her photo somewhere. She was asking money at a crossroads with her little brother.
I’m sure she is/was suffering a lot more than me. I’m guilty. Guilty of laziness. Guilty of uselessness. I’m sorry because of her. I’m sorry to not have her courage. I’m sorry to not have been able to exchange my place with her. She deserved so much better than me what I had in my too long life already. I’m sorry to fail her in a way. I have no excuses. I’m just a useless piece of Meat. I have literraly nothing in my history that could justify my death today. And I’m sorry for all that.
I would have wanted to do so much things. To help so much people. But I just couldn’t. I’m just nothing.

But again I can assure you. I tried ! Really ! Please believe me. It’s all I have left in this world. The hope that you would believe me. I’m so sorry… If only you knew, if only you could see how sorry I am.
I would so much want you to be able to touch my arm and feel everything I felt, see everything I’ve tried, how hard I tried…. Please believe me.

Of course I could explain to you, with my 10 years of psycho-analysis, why it all ended up here. But in the end, there is still no valid excuse for me asking to the society to put me out of my misery. I didn’t experience a trauma because of an accident or a murder or something alike. I didn’t experience an addiction. Etc etc nothing like that no. Just life. A life of failures for sure but just life in the end.

I’m just a wrong-brain. A bad neuronal schematic. An error that should have been corrected long ago.
And I’m sorry. Sorry for the people who keep fighting where I’m not. Sorry for those I will probably cause some pain. But I know that in the long run they will be happier without me. I’m a real burden. I know you can’t realize that but I can assure you. It’s real. Several people are expressing to me just that actually. My father, my Mother, my Sisters, some of my professors, some really close friends either,… And yes I’ve never worked. Like a real legal work for a long time. You can imagine how my life is just useless. And yes I still even try to study and have Follow courses even so I don’t have the intellectual ressources to do so.

The 13 décember I have my first meeting with a new doctor that will have the authority to tell my general doctor that my suffering is for real. I really hope he will get it. Because if not, I’m screwed.
I’ve tried to kill myself several times but never had the courage to go through the end. I’m afraid. Afraid of everything, of pain mostly. I need someone to help me and I would prefer that it would be a doctor. Someone who just understand my abyss of being a loser, someone who can accept that people can’t bear equally the suffering, someone who acknowledge the need to end a life.

I have a whole plan how to tell everyone that I’m gone. It would be after I’m dead. A video for each and every one of them. A bit like in this Netflix tv show “after life”, so not 13 reasons why. I want them all keeping something of me. A part of me that would have been only between me and them. A way to say that I’m sorry. Also things that I never had the courage to say to them. Good things mostly. Maybe some bad things too. Some things that hurt me at the time. I just want to try to make them understand. Make them understand that it wasn’t really their fault, it was more that I was unadequate for this world.

I have too much hope for this meeting. I’m so stressed out. I don’t know what to expect really. During the mean time I need to face all my failures every day more and more. Because of course you need to prove that you continue to fight. Because nobody is supposed to not wanting to live. But every day is more and more difficult because every day I have new challenges in my courses that I can’t solve of course. And it’s been like that for 16 years. Failures after Failures.

To be truly sincere with you all, I’m lying for a couple of years now to most of the girls or people I meet in general on dating apps or otherwise. After having been honest for most of my life time. I am not anymore. I’m lying about what I own. I’m lying about money. I’m lying about my past, about what I do. I invented a whole life. That too is exhausting actually.
Some of you I’m sure experienced the same thing. Everything change when you lie. People look at you with more respect. They actually care for what I’m saying now. They actually listen. I let you imagine how lonely I was when I wasn’t lying.
Now it represents 85%-90% of the people I know. I keep the same lie for everyone of course. It’s simpler, less chance of an error.
For that I’m not sorry. People made me do it. For that I’m angry to the world. Maybe some to some of you too because maybe you are part of those kind of those people. If I have been accepted the way I was, if people were reliable with me, that I could count on them, that they would accompany me every step of the way if I had to change, I wouldn’t have done it.
It’s also part of why I want to end it now. I don’t want to live in a world like this. It’s a choice that I’m putting out there.
It’s not something which is going to change. One of the 3 people who I have said to my will, is a psychologist. She told me that the system is not going to change so it’s maybe me who need to adapt…
Well sorry but no.
I’m not doing that. I’ve made my whole life efforts that cost me all my Energy. To be accepted, to be loved, to get a job, to be accepted in some courses even. Sorry but no more.
And even, what’s that supposed to mean ? If I still need to change after everything, then where my personnality is going ? What is the limit ? Why is it worth living a life where actually my personnality is in question ?
And if I want to extrapolate on that, it’s the same for psychopaths, pedophelia, serial killer,… I know that it wouldn’t be in their neurological pattern to ask for euthanasia. But if for any reason one of them would ask for it, I don’t see why they should be refused to get that right.
It is not a society for them. And it’s their personality who is in question. Their innerself.
Well it’s the same for me. I don’t see the limit where it will not be asking of me to change something. That means my personality is not adequate to this society. Well this needs to stop. So just let me go already.

That’s why I’m stressed for this appointment. What if he says no. That I’m not qualifying for that right. It would mean that society is not agreeing to have my personality around, but at the same time it won’t authorize my termination… You see how tricky it is. And I feel really desperate for that.

I’m so tired. Just help me end it, that’s all what I’m asking after all.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsGeneralStories of HopeSuicidal Survivors

happy to be here

by shaolan
written by shaolan

I’m so happy.
Not about my life, nor that I found reasons to live longer now.
I’m just so happy and so proud about most of you.
I was so afraid sometimes that I wouldn’t find anyone among the commoners that think like me. I didn’t meet anyone, among 1 thousand people I might have met in my life until now, among friends, friends of friends, dating apps/websites, co-students, forums, … that actually thought like me or at least understand my suffering and how lonely I feel. How deeps is the abyss of my soul. Which result by having to fight every day, at least once a day against someone who actually does say something hurting to me or at least not thoughtful. The only people thinking like me were heroes of literature and so maybe I guess some parts of the personality of those authors.
Now I know.
Now I know that some of you, among those 7 billions people are actually kind.Who knows what true suffering means. And right now I’m full of tears. That much because it gives me so much feelings at once, so much proud, so much happiness, so much empathy, so much deep sadness,…
I’m full of tears while contemplating the abyss from the edge where I’m standing. The abyss of your sadness, of mine, of your souls. You are not empty. Or yes you are but in a beautiful way. A way that most human will never understand.
I’m re-assured now that I know. I can leave this world peacefully. Even if most of you will choose to end your lives, I know that some of you will have this beautiful sadness, empathy, … maybe it will be the seeds to reset this dying world. I hope that much for you. For all of you.
Nevertheless, I don’t envy you. I won’t be capable to maintain this facade, this sharade of life I’m living a year more. It’s just too much energy that I don’t have anymore. I will maybe explain in other posts some of those aspects because you, even if you don’t care, need one proof more. A proof that some people can get over it, and some just can’t.

I’m about to say something I really don’t want to say the way way I’m going to. I just don’t find any other ways to say it, plus the fact that we actually don’t do it the way we should.
Don’t ever be ashamed of this. All of this. All of these feelings. This is something beautiful, something true. Something that nobody besides some like us, can truly understand. Not because it’s madness or anything alike. Because it’s just smarter, deeper,… because this is what being human truly means…
Even if we wouldn’t agree on a lot of life’s principles maybe, even if you voted for dictators or Trumps alike, even if you have killed someone or anything alike, even if some of you have dark thoughts about hurting people, I don’t care. I really don’t. Because you have this tiny piece in you. This tiny dust that makes you maybe more human than most of the people. Don’t ever, even in death, even while you are killing yourself, ever ever loose it, please. If I can only ask one thing of you all, just do that for me please.

Thank you for the author of this website. I would have loved to be the founder of this. I would have loved to help to its development. This is truly a beautiful project for so many points.

Thank you all just for existing the way you do and some of you for what you do.

credits to Mimi N. look for it on patreon.
Credits to the artist Mimi N.

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Chronic PainGeneralPoetry & ArtRants

Only Human

by JudgeMeNot
written by JudgeMeNot

I lost my youth.
I’m older now, while time eats away my energy soon it will consume my fate.
Life doesn’t teach anything. Only death speaks truth. Brings emotion that’s beyond life itself. I envy the dead. There is no righteousness or reason to abide by morals in this common Society.

Dont do this/dont say that, right and wrong, good and bad.
Let’s not censor the barbaric nature of humanity for it is, who we are. Always have always will. The only way to get you’re point across is to be violent.
Yet words can be just as dangerous, sadly it cant defend you from a AR-15. So be careful what you say to the people you look down upon.
We all play the mythical and mortal role of “God”
I can create and take life.

“Judge not, lest ye be judged”

But you always do. You stare and mock the abnormal. I can feel
The energy. It’s pure hate. You dont know me and yet ive upset you without even looking.
My demons are a great Council of mine but not even they can understand humans.
Natural selection/ survival of the fittest has become a laugh. The king doesn’t stand at the top of the hill. He drowns at sea level with the rest of us. My point is this.

We are all unpredictable especially the unexpected.

  • Love,
    Brody
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Chronic Pain

Everyone hates me

by DeadAccount
written by DeadAccount

Yes EVERYONE. Including YOU. I don’t wanna hear “I don’t hate you” or “I don’t even know you” cause it’s all bs. I know you enjoy watching me suffer on the TV. Don’t think I haven’t caught on that my life is a TV show where whoever is running my show pushes to make me as miserable as possible, sometimes beyond the point of suicide. But of course I survive because if I died, you’d have nothing to watch.

Are you enjoying watching me suffer? Does the mere thought of everything that’s happened in my life turn you on? Obviously it does cause I’m still suffering. Tell me, is there another life after this one that’s even worse? I like to think there’s nothing worse than what I’m going through right now, but the fuck if I know, I wouldn’t put it past you lot to somehow come up with something even worse.

I’m so mother fucking sick of this pain. Old news, I know, but you make me want to say it over and over. And I bet you lot are proud of yourselves for making me feel that way.

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