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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide Note

(C)Rude

by Been Here Too Long
written by Been Here Too Long

I’ve managed to screw up everything good I had going and turn it all into a bunch of fucked up shit, like always.  I’m shit at my job, and I accidentally fucked some shit up because I’m too fucking stupid and cowardly to ask for help.  I’m too much of a coward to speak to my college advisor and schedule my classes for next semester.  I’m going to fuck up my French final because I am too fucking stupid to understand which verb tense to use and I’m apparently fucking too incompetent to even understand the review.  I’m too much for a close friend of mine to deal with, and I’m already so much of a burden to him.  My parents don’t want me, but all the same, they want to come see me for a little while during the break.  I moved 13 hours away so I could avoid them; they abused me for years, and now that I’m out of the house, they want to pretend like they care about me, and I want to crawl right back to them like the spineless attention-goblin that I am.  My roommate hates me and would be significantly better off without me.

I think I’m intrinsically inferior to everyone.  I’ve thought that even since before my parents started severely abusing me, so it’s not some dumb trauma thought that I should be able to dismiss.  I’ve known since the beginning that I’m subhuman.  I’ve never been the protagonist of my own life; at best, my most important role was as the antagonist.  I’m so overwhelmingly and inherently selfish, and I hate that, so I fight as hard as I can against my nature.  That’s all I’ve ever been able to do, fight against what is natural.  I’ve fought for so long that I don’t even know what natural looks like anymore.  It’s not even much of a decision for me to make anymore; everything has led me to this. There is no other way my life could’ve gone; this is necessary.

And that’s why I’ll be gone soon.  I’ll finish finals, since I don’t want to stress anyone else out before or during finals week with my suicidal bullshit.  Right after finals week, though, I’m going to find a day I don’t work and overdose and bleed out in the bathroom of the nearby gas station. My crude life is only deserving of a crude death.  I’ll do my best to bleed out over the toilet so as not to make a mess for the worker.  I know my suicide is selfish, but I was always selfish.  All I can do is end that selfishness and try to be as kind to everyone as I can about it.

I’ve bought Christmas presents for my siblings and friend; they deserve nothing but the best, but I was never able to give them anything of quality.  Hopefully they’ll be alright, but I’m too selfish to stop because of that. I’m sorry.

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Chronic PainGeneral

by XJGH96
written by XJGH96

I’m so ready. I’m so ready. It’ll will just fade to black and I won’t have to pay rent or survival expenses ever again. Nobody will be using me anymore. I’ll just be at peace. Hopefully I can successfully stop eating and drinking. The worlds lack of compassion and hunger for greed could kill me in a week. None of the people on here wanted suicide. It was everyone else’s fault. It’s US.

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Chronic PainGeneralMy Suicide Note

quirks of my life, why am I here.

by shaolan
written by shaolan

For some weeks now I have begun the steps to ask for my assisted suicide. It’s something permitted in my country for psychological reason. I guess that some of you will then guess what country it is. I don’t want any comments on my posts if possible.

I’m sorry my posts won’t certainly be very well written and it won’t be very… how can I say that… liquid in the way that ideas will come as they arrive in my head. So be nice please.
I just want to leave my trace. I don’t need any comments or anything alike. I don’t seek for empowerment or pity or that you try to convince me that life is worth living. I just want that you take my memory with you if it’s not too much to ask.
Of course yes people around me will have my memory too yes . That’s true. I can’t deny that.
But they don’t know me for the most part. Most of them knows that I’m not doing well in my head since I’m a teenager but they don’t know how deep it goes. They don’t and can’t actually understand it. But nevertheless it’s written all over my face. Some of my ex-girlfriends told me that it was charming, what «my eyes were saying… such a cheesy thing to say my gosh^^ so moronic too actually. They clearly didn’t know what they were talking about.
But so all those people won’t get the memory of my true me. So I want you to have it. I want you to keep it. To remember it from time to time.
Actually nearly nobody knows about my administrative steps yet. Only 3 people knows among the 20-30 people who I actually have contact with regularly. None of them are my family members. I don’t really have a family anyway. None of them would actually understand it. Nor understand when I don’t feel well.

In French littérature there is this female author: «  Delphine de vigan ». She had written a book about her family and about her mother more specifically. At the end of the book, this is not a spoiler since from the beginning you know she had a very difficult life, her mother kill herself. Before doing that she tried to phone Delphine but she was very busy if I remember correctly, and so she was a bit distracted on the phone. So the call was very brief, but something was off. Her mother clearly wanted to hear her voice one last time. She wanted to say goodbye… and again just by thinking about it I’m crying… how stupid am I, really^^ Her mother kept fighting until the end, she had a lot of psychological problems, way more than me and way less superficial than mine. Real illnesses. But no matter what, she kept fighting. For her children. Until they were old enough.
So after a few days after this phone call, Delphine was a bit worried. She found her on the floor of her empty apartment. Suicide by pills.
Some time after that or the same day I don’t know anymore, she encountered the female psychiatrist of her now dead mother.
Can you guess what the psychiatrist told her ?
« Your mother was a really brave woman. I don’t know how she kept fighting for so long. »

I think that’s the most beautiful thing I ever read or heard about someone. In this world of indifference, this world of self centrism, at least one person did recognize and claim her courage…. recognize that it couldn’t go otherwise… recognize that it was the only possible outcome and that’s totally fine because she kept fighting until the end. Until she couldn’t. Until she had no more energy to give. It’s so … I don’t know how to express my sort of gratitude to this psychiatrist. I would really like that someone could say that about me when I’m gone.

It would be so ….

I can’t…

I can’t find a word… adequate to describe what I feel about this woman.

Well I’m in the same position today. I’m not able to sustain anymore the hunger of energy of this world. I can’t do it. I’m not that strong. I’ve kept fighting for 16 years now. From my 18 to my 34 anniversary now.. Maybe even more because I’m sure I was not already diving before that.
I’m sorry I just can’t no more. I don’t know why I’m apologizing for. You don’t know me after all. But I feel like I have to.
I’ve done nothing with my life. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried I can assure you. But nothing did come through. Maybe I’m using you as witnesses, maybe as tribunal of some sort. Anyway I’m sorry. I know that people are suffering much more than me. I’ve traveled a lot. I’ve seen the world like they say. I’ve seen plenty of poor places. The slum of Rio, Mumbai, Shanghai,… I can always remember those faces that I’ve seen around the world. Among them, in India, Mumbai or was it in Jaipur, this little girl who was so pretty. She must have been 7-9 years old. She was the cliché of what you can imagine of the poorest people on earth. We couldn’t talk about clothes at that point, but she had that face and that beautiful smile… Maybe my father has still her photo somewhere. She was asking money at a crossroads with her little brother.
I’m sure she is/was suffering a lot more than me. I’m guilty. Guilty of laziness. Guilty of uselessness. I’m sorry because of her. I’m sorry to not have her courage. I’m sorry to not have been able to exchange my place with her. She deserved so much better than me what I had in my too long life already. I’m sorry to fail her in a way. I have no excuses. I’m just a useless piece of Meat. I have literraly nothing in my history that could justify my death today. And I’m sorry for all that.
I would have wanted to do so much things. To help so much people. But I just couldn’t. I’m just nothing.

But again I can assure you. I tried ! Really ! Please believe me. It’s all I have left in this world. The hope that you would believe me. I’m so sorry… If only you knew, if only you could see how sorry I am.
I would so much want you to be able to touch my arm and feel everything I felt, see everything I’ve tried, how hard I tried…. Please believe me.

Of course I could explain to you, with my 10 years of psycho-analysis, why it all ended up here. But in the end, there is still no valid excuse for me asking to the society to put me out of my misery. I didn’t experience a trauma because of an accident or a murder or something alike. I didn’t experience an addiction. Etc etc nothing like that no. Just life. A life of failures for sure but just life in the end.

I’m just a wrong-brain. A bad neuronal schematic. An error that should have been corrected long ago.
And I’m sorry. Sorry for the people who keep fighting where I’m not. Sorry for those I will probably cause some pain. But I know that in the long run they will be happier without me. I’m a real burden. I know you can’t realize that but I can assure you. It’s real. Several people are expressing to me just that actually. My father, my Mother, my Sisters, some of my professors, some really close friends either,… And yes I’ve never worked. Like a real legal work for a long time. You can imagine how my life is just useless. And yes I still even try to study and have Follow courses even so I don’t have the intellectual ressources to do so.

The 13 décember I have my first meeting with a new doctor that will have the authority to tell my general doctor that my suffering is for real. I really hope he will get it. Because if not, I’m screwed.
I’ve tried to kill myself several times but never had the courage to go through the end. I’m afraid. Afraid of everything, of pain mostly. I need someone to help me and I would prefer that it would be a doctor. Someone who just understand my abyss of being a loser, someone who can accept that people can’t bear equally the suffering, someone who acknowledge the need to end a life.

I have a whole plan how to tell everyone that I’m gone. It would be after I’m dead. A video for each and every one of them. A bit like in this Netflix tv show “after life”, so not 13 reasons why. I want them all keeping something of me. A part of me that would have been only between me and them. A way to say that I’m sorry. Also things that I never had the courage to say to them. Good things mostly. Maybe some bad things too. Some things that hurt me at the time. I just want to try to make them understand. Make them understand that it wasn’t really their fault, it was more that I was unadequate for this world.

I have too much hope for this meeting. I’m so stressed out. I don’t know what to expect really. During the mean time I need to face all my failures every day more and more. Because of course you need to prove that you continue to fight. Because nobody is supposed to not wanting to live. But every day is more and more difficult because every day I have new challenges in my courses that I can’t solve of course. And it’s been like that for 16 years. Failures after Failures.

To be truly sincere with you all, I’m lying for a couple of years now to most of the girls or people I meet in general on dating apps or otherwise. After having been honest for most of my life time. I am not anymore. I’m lying about what I own. I’m lying about money. I’m lying about my past, about what I do. I invented a whole life. That too is exhausting actually.
Some of you I’m sure experienced the same thing. Everything change when you lie. People look at you with more respect. They actually care for what I’m saying now. They actually listen. I let you imagine how lonely I was when I wasn’t lying.
Now it represents 85%-90% of the people I know. I keep the same lie for everyone of course. It’s simpler, less chance of an error.
For that I’m not sorry. People made me do it. For that I’m angry to the world. Maybe some to some of you too because maybe you are part of those kind of those people. If I have been accepted the way I was, if people were reliable with me, that I could count on them, that they would accompany me every step of the way if I had to change, I wouldn’t have done it.
It’s also part of why I want to end it now. I don’t want to live in a world like this. It’s a choice that I’m putting out there.
It’s not something which is going to change. One of the 3 people who I have said to my will, is a psychologist. She told me that the system is not going to change so it’s maybe me who need to adapt…
Well sorry but no.
I’m not doing that. I’ve made my whole life efforts that cost me all my Energy. To be accepted, to be loved, to get a job, to be accepted in some courses even. Sorry but no more.
And even, what’s that supposed to mean ? If I still need to change after everything, then where my personnality is going ? What is the limit ? Why is it worth living a life where actually my personnality is in question ?
And if I want to extrapolate on that, it’s the same for psychopaths, pedophelia, serial killer,… I know that it wouldn’t be in their neurological pattern to ask for euthanasia. But if for any reason one of them would ask for it, I don’t see why they should be refused to get that right.
It is not a society for them. And it’s their personality who is in question. Their innerself.
Well it’s the same for me. I don’t see the limit where it will not be asking of me to change something. That means my personality is not adequate to this society. Well this needs to stop. So just let me go already.

That’s why I’m stressed for this appointment. What if he says no. That I’m not qualifying for that right. It would mean that society is not agreeing to have my personality around, but at the same time it won’t authorize my termination… You see how tricky it is. And I feel really desperate for that.

I’m so tired. Just help me end it, that’s all what I’m asking after all.

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Chronic PainGeneralPoetry & ArtRants

I like Blood

by Unsheard
written by Unsheard

I like the feeling of it running across my skin.
I like the deep rich color.
I like the scars that it leaves behind, the look, the feel.
I like the stains it leaves.
I like the pain it brings.
I like everything about it.
But I hate myself because of everything I do to see it

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsGeneralStories of HopeSuicidal Survivors

happy to be here

by shaolan
written by shaolan

I’m so happy.
Not about my life, nor that I found reasons to live longer now.
I’m just so happy and so proud about most of you.
I was so afraid sometimes that I wouldn’t find anyone among the commoners that think like me. I didn’t meet anyone, among 1 thousand people I might have met in my life until now, among friends, friends of friends, dating apps/websites, co-students, forums, … that actually thought like me or at least understand my suffering and how lonely I feel. How deeps is the abyss of my soul. Which result by having to fight every day, at least once a day against someone who actually does say something hurting to me or at least not thoughtful. The only people thinking like me were heroes of literature and so maybe I guess some parts of the personality of those authors.
Now I know.
Now I know that some of you, among those 7 billions people are actually kind.Who knows what true suffering means. And right now I’m full of tears. That much because it gives me so much feelings at once, so much proud, so much happiness, so much empathy, so much deep sadness,…
I’m full of tears while contemplating the abyss from the edge where I’m standing. The abyss of your sadness, of mine, of your souls. You are not empty. Or yes you are but in a beautiful way. A way that most human will never understand.
I’m re-assured now that I know. I can leave this world peacefully. Even if most of you will choose to end your lives, I know that some of you will have this beautiful sadness, empathy, … maybe it will be the seeds to reset this dying world. I hope that much for you. For all of you.
Nevertheless, I don’t envy you. I won’t be capable to maintain this facade, this sharade of life I’m living a year more. It’s just too much energy that I don’t have anymore. I will maybe explain in other posts some of those aspects because you, even if you don’t care, need one proof more. A proof that some people can get over it, and some just can’t.

I’m about to say something I really don’t want to say the way way I’m going to. I just don’t find any other ways to say it, plus the fact that we actually don’t do it the way we should.
Don’t ever be ashamed of this. All of this. All of these feelings. This is something beautiful, something true. Something that nobody besides some like us, can truly understand. Not because it’s madness or anything alike. Because it’s just smarter, deeper,… because this is what being human truly means…
Even if we wouldn’t agree on a lot of life’s principles maybe, even if you voted for dictators or Trumps alike, even if you have killed someone or anything alike, even if some of you have dark thoughts about hurting people, I don’t care. I really don’t. Because you have this tiny piece in you. This tiny dust that makes you maybe more human than most of the people. Don’t ever, even in death, even while you are killing yourself, ever ever loose it, please. If I can only ask one thing of you all, just do that for me please.

Thank you for the author of this website. I would have loved to be the founder of this. I would have loved to help to its development. This is truly a beautiful project for so many points.

Thank you all just for existing the way you do and some of you for what you do.

credits to Mimi N. look for it on patreon.
Credits to the artist Mimi N.

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Chronic PainGeneralPoetry & ArtRants

Only Human

by JudgeMeNot
written by JudgeMeNot

I lost my youth.
I’m older now, while time eats away my energy soon it will consume my fate.
Life doesn’t teach anything. Only death speaks truth. Brings emotion that’s beyond life itself. I envy the dead. There is no righteousness or reason to abide by morals in this common Society.

Dont do this/dont say that, right and wrong, good and bad.
Let’s not censor the barbaric nature of humanity for it is, who we are. Always have always will. The only way to get you’re point across is to be violent.
Yet words can be just as dangerous, sadly it cant defend you from a AR-15. So be careful what you say to the people you look down upon.
We all play the mythical and mortal role of “God”
I can create and take life.

“Judge not, lest ye be judged”

But you always do. You stare and mock the abnormal. I can feel
The energy. It’s pure hate. You dont know me and yet ive upset you without even looking.
My demons are a great Council of mine but not even they can understand humans.
Natural selection/ survival of the fittest has become a laugh. The king doesn’t stand at the top of the hill. He drowns at sea level with the rest of us. My point is this.

We are all unpredictable especially the unexpected.

  • Love,
    Brody
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Chronic Pain

Everyone hates me

by DeadAccount
written by DeadAccount

Yes EVERYONE. Including YOU. I don’t wanna hear “I don’t hate you” or “I don’t even know you” cause it’s all bs. I know you enjoy watching me suffer on the TV. Don’t think I haven’t caught on that my life is a TV show where whoever is running my show pushes to make me as miserable as possible, sometimes beyond the point of suicide. But of course I survive because if I died, you’d have nothing to watch.

Are you enjoying watching me suffer? Does the mere thought of everything that’s happened in my life turn you on? Obviously it does cause I’m still suffering. Tell me, is there another life after this one that’s even worse? I like to think there’s nothing worse than what I’m going through right now, but the fuck if I know, I wouldn’t put it past you lot to somehow come up with something even worse.

I’m so mother fucking sick of this pain. Old news, I know, but you make me want to say it over and over. And I bet you lot are proud of yourselves for making me feel that way.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

What You Put Here

by DogCat
written by DogCat

I’m just bored. You know?

I knows it sounds stupid, “I want to kill myself because I am bored.”

I also know it is always more to it than that. I have a 4 year degree in psychology.

I want to get my masters, but I have to pay off the state from my previous failed attempt at a Master’s before they will release my transcript and allow me to try again.  One of thousands of dollars I owe people.

That’s the thing. I fail at everything. Well, not really. I don’t fail…I quit. I am a quitter.

I just can’t do things. I can’t stick with things. Either chronic pain, anxiety, depression, feelings of inadequacy, or I just can’t leave the house.

So, what now? I see no hope for the future. The house is falling apart around our heads. I see no way to ever better myself or my situation. We can’t sell the house unless we move. We can’t move unless we sell the house. No way out. No way forward. Just stuck.

Wake up, clean, work 3 hours, stare out the window, rinse, repeat…over and over. The bills come in, I throw them away, I go to bed.

I am unfulfilled. I feel worthless. I feel like a burden. I am unhappy. I am unsatisfied. I see no way things will ever change.

I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE!!!!

I stay for my husband and my daughter. I know they would be devastated if I killed myself. I love them too much to do that to them. I stay for them.

There is only the Tao. That is the source. Returning to the source is serenity. I want that.

Serenity

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Chronic Pain

Wishing I wasn’t

by tentoone
written by tentoone

Last year at this time, I remember thinking there was no way I could get through the holiday season alone. Yet, here I am again, still with no home, unable to work even if I could find a job. I am over 4k miles from the only friend and support I have.

Every time we video chat, I am torn between closing my eyes to pretend we are close and watching his face every second I am able to. The sound of his voice is the only thing sustaining me right now. Well, that and the false hope that we will ever be together again.

Some days are better than others. This last week has been a nightmare. The 4th would have been my 19th wedding anniversary – I am just over a year divorced now.

All my life, I have wanted to write a novel and tried dozens of times, never getting anywhere. As I write this, I am nearly 11 chapters into my first, over 35k words. I think I should feel some sense of accomplishment, but all I feel is empty.

I’ve been staring at the screen all day trying to write and I cannot. I want to delete it and forget it ever existed.

The idea of leaving any part of myself behind reviles me. Every trace of me should be scrubbed from reality. It would be too arrogant to think I had anything worth sharing.

I’m in this dark pit. The worst of these feelings will pass once the seizure is over. Until that happens, I can’t even begin to claw my way out. To me, this is the raw truth and the times when it feels like it will be okay are nothing but pretty lies I tell myself to justify living.

That is when I feel most afraid… when I am giddy and hopeful – high and bright. It never lasts and each new fall hurts so much more than the ones before. Ultimately, this isn’t going to pass, it isn’t going to make me stronger, and next year at this time, I’ll still be right here wishing I wasn’t.

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Chronic Pain

I need to tell someone this.

by LiquidHuman
written by LiquidHuman

I need to tell someone this. I’ve been planning this for a year or so now, and since then I’ve kept it to myself the entire time. For an entire year, I’ve lied to my family, to my friends, and even to my therapist about my intentions. It’s entirely necessary, but I feel as though I’m going to go insane if I continue to just hide this form the rest of the world.

I’ve given myself a deadline of age 35. I’m going to kill myself at the evening before my 36th birthday.

I’ve been debating the morality of me leaving versus the morality of me staying. I’ve found that neither is of entirely sound reasoning. Me killing myself will no doubt shatter the lives of my friends and family. Whether I choose to believe it or not, what I’m going to do will follow them for the rest of their lives. Nothing will ever be that same “normal” as they were back then. Even if I go through with my plan of slowly pushing people out of my life, the news will surely shock them. I don’t talk about any of my plans for the future with my family. It would be cruel of me to do so, and then rip that away from them later.

All the same, I have to do this. This is just something I’ve realized over time that I can’t turn away from or avoid. I’ve learned things about the world as if late. Things part of my wishes I could have continued being blissfully unaware of, no matter how immature that thought may be. Things that have caused me to fear the future. For good reason. And for those reasons, I don’t think I can stay. The same goes for some of the things I’ve learned about myself. I’ll spare you the details of all this, as I’ve written about it several times on here, but the bottom line is I don’t think my existence in this world makes much sense anymore. As much sentimental value some people place on me, that doesn’t change the fact that my life is inherently parasitic in nature. There are certain things about myself that I can always hide, but never change. And it’s only a matter of time before those things come to the surface. There is something very wrong with me. And rather than wait for people to find that out themselves, I’m going to leave before I outstay my welcome. I want to apologize to my family and friends, but if they knew what I was, they would avoid me like the plague.

I’ve been trying to be as happy as possible (after all, I should try to enjoy these last years) but it’s hard. Everything feels so off, almost dreamlike in nature. I think I might be going through similar stages a dying person goes through during the ending stages of their life. The thought of death normally makes me feel calm, especially at night. Imagining myself dying in my sleep is actually one of the things that settles me down when I’m having an anxiety attack a night. But now, the prolonged idea of impending death is something that shakes me to my core when I think about it too much. There are times when I cry, filled with fear and sadness of what’s to come, even though it’s of my own volition. Certain songs, specifically ones about growing old with someone, really fuck me up now. I don’t think I ever truly believed I would grow old, but I pretended I would. I pretended I would grow up, make a name for myself as an author, get married, have kids: a sickly-sweet perfect life. Just like with the stories I write, I created a fantasy world for myself to try and drive away the hard truth that I was never going to grow old. I always knew deep down that my life would end with my body being found beside a suicide note. I just never accepted it until now.

I think the worst part of this is that now I want to live. Maybe I always did. Or if not live, I wanted to do something with the time I had. There is so much my parents have done that I wish I could do. But I just don’t believe that’s possible for me now. Maybe it was never possible, and I’m just aware of it now. (Sorry, I realize I’m being extremely vague during all this, but I just want to avoid giving people as much about my personal life as possible.) There’s always this constant feeling of sadness and fear in me nowadays. I don’t want to kill myself, but I know I’ll have to. If I don’t, I’ll be failing myself and everyone else, even if I know this will make them unhappy. Sometimes you have to do things like that. Make your loved ones unhappy if that truly is the right thing to do. Even now, I’m not sure if it truly is the right thing to do, but no matter how much I debate with myself, I might never truly know.

Please. If anyone is reading this, I’m not even gonna lie to you, I feel more scared and alone than I ever have in my entire life. I only have a little more than ten years left of my life, and I can’t talk to anyone I know about any of this. Please, talk to me. I don’t even know what I expect you to say. I just need some form of comfort from all this.

I’ll be waiting here.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

19:49

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

to say i’m stressed would be an understatement.
these days have been so hectic, i feel like i can’t keep up with everything, but everyone is constantly telling me to keep up, to cheer up, to calm down, to just stop feeling stressed. mental health has been a mess lately, and today is just not working for me. sometimes i wish i caught a cold so i could rest in bed, but then i remember that even if i’m too ill to get out of bed, i’ll still have to do everything.
the problem isn’t having stuff to do, the problem is having to do things for everyone, and having to leave my things at the bottom of my list of things to do. there’s so much on my mind that i want to talk about, but everyone would most likely think i’m being annoying so i’ll keep it to myself.
i cried today while trying to turn on a fan and i haven’t eaten anything since 8am this morning, but nobody here gives a damn about that. i feel so tired, even though i sleep. it feels so crowded in my head, even though it’s just me. i don’t know what to do or how to cope, or anything honestly. who knows if i make it to December, i honestly feel like i’m going to explode soon.
i’ve felt pretty dizzy all day, and i think it’s because of stress, but i’m not sure.
anyways, i’ll shut up now.

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Chronic PainStories of Loss

is this hell?

by someonehelpmedie
written by someonehelpmedie

Unfortunately, my life was never in the worst.

There was always someone more unfortunate than me. I used this reasoning to shame myself on not being happy. I was mentally and physically abused my brother for 5 years. And my parents closed their eyes and ears when I asked for help. My sister made fun of me for being abused. He chocked me punched me when something was wrong. When no one else is home he kicked me out of the house and did not let me in. I started to have depression and panic attack. My parents told me that kids can’t have that and told me to stop lying. Whenever I felt suicidal, I told myself that tomorrow might be better. I was torturing myself with hope. Even I forced a smile. One day I died. I no longer felt happy or sad. No feelings became real. I knew what to feel but there was no emotion in me. Friends became classmate and parents became legal guardian. I became a character of my own life. Just observing and reading the pages. I was sexually assaulted but that no longer became a problem, because that happened to a character. I was abused my boss by belittling my work and my effort. I started to develop hypersomnia that lasted minimum 2/3 of the day. I developed chronic headache that inhibits my vision. Most of my lifetime was depression. Yet I still feel like I was the lucky person for what I have.

If this isn’t hell. What is?

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Chronic PainGeneral

Please end my suffering…

by ICantFindAWayOut
written by ICantFindAWayOut
  • I’m just so tired of crying myself to sleep and expecting a better tomorrow when i know i’m just repeating myself and everyday over and over again…I’m tired of everything…I just want to kill myself 🙁
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Chronic PainGeneralRants

Things get worse

by deaths.muse
written by deaths.muse

Living really takes it out of me. Just breathing, surviving another day. It requires so much effort.

Being alive is honestly the last thing that I want. I absolutely hate myself. I hate this world too. I can’t look at myself in the mirror, and I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t have any talents and I am not attending school at the moment because I don’t have the energy (to deal with people’s shit and I don’t see the point in doing work because I am unable to take that work further due to my lack of skill and talent). I practise the things that used to ease my mind in the past, hoping for the same result but to no avail. I practise so much, and I never get any better. I often wonder what it must be like to be good at something, to fully enjoy something and to want to cling to life. There isn’t really much I can or want to do in this world.

It is quite an ugly place and certainly not a place I want to be in. I have never had a single true friend. My life has been made up of disappointments, betrayals and back-stabbers. Guess that’s where I get my extreme trust issues from.

I’m used to people using me as a stepping stone and then discarding me, it barely bothers me because I have learnt not to get attached, but at times, I do feel alone.

Everytime something hurts me, I am unable to recover. They just dig deeper and deeper into me, gourging out my insides and leaving me as a shell. I am unable to rebuild myself. Perhaps I’m weak, perhaps I’m just tired. It doesn’t matter though, nothing ever does to me.

I do not care what happens in this life. I have no goals, dreams or motivation. My only wish is to die. I have always felt like this and wrote my first suicide note when I was 6/7 years old.

I don’t remember what happiness feels like. I am not sure I have properly experienced it. Constantly, I feel empty, numb, emotionless. A sociopath you might say. Though, I do feel hate, anger and sadness.

My family wants me alive and try to keep me that way. They don’t want me to suffer. They don’t understand that forcing me to stay in this world is the thing making me suffer .

I have attempted suicide countless times, self-harm weekly and barely eat, all in hopes of leaving this world and destroying this hateful body.

Suicide may seem selfish but it is the only thing that I have ever wanted and my whole life has been living for others. Not willingly but being forced to. Because I didn’t want to prove the fact that I’m a failure, a disappointment and an expense.

But eventually, you get tired of giving. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You need to refill your glass before you can pour into other people’s.

But there is nothing to refill my glass. Nothing that I enjoy, or find a piece of hope in. There is nothing anchoring me in this world, making me want to stay.

And to be honest…I would rather have it that way. I want no part in this horrible, pitiful, ugly world with monsters wearing human skins and friendly faces.

One day (Hopefully very soon), I will be successful in taking my life and can leave this living hell.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsGeneralStories of Hope

Found My Old Posts

by DogCat
written by DogCat

It was weird seeing things I wrote 4 years ago. In so many ways, I have come a long way. In so many ways, I have stayed the same.

So I was V.C.333 when I was here before. I have no idea what that name means, or where I got it from. I just went back to the time I was around here before and found the posts.

Things are not as bleak and hopeless as they seemed then. I was on a lot of medication then for fibromyalgia and neuropathy. I went to a new doctor, and she said that before she would see me, I had to get off all my meds. We made a 4 week plan, and I did it. After that, I felt so much better, that I just did some physical therapy and never went back on them again. (The first two weeks of detox were hell, but it got much better.)

I now do yoga and meditation.

I still have some pain, but not near as much as I did when I was on pain meds and nerve meds.

I still fantasize about death. That is why I am here again. That never really goes away, but I manage it. I just needed to talk to people who understand, so I am back.

I was in counseling and on meds for awhile. I felt better, so I got a part time job. Then I lost my medicaid. lmao

Now I am out of counseling and getting back off my meds.

Oh well, that’s life. Right? Up and down. Never up too long and never stable.

 

 

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Chronic PainMy Suicide NoteRants

Heads

by ElElyon
written by ElElyon

The coin expressed that the time for waiting is over. I have not decided whether I will die today, but regardless a sign of the end finally arrived; I find that to be slightly more comforting than the thought alone of bleeding out. At least Hell won’t await me on the other side: I will finally be leaving it. I just hope a worse Hell doesn’t await me beyond this one. As for the rest of you, I hate all of you honestly; I really don’t want anybody to reply to this, and I hope it is deleted alongside this worthless throwaway account: This website itself is worthless, offering links to the likes of the Samaritans, which is great if you don’t want help, or anything at all. It’s great if a pat on the back and, “I also think you should kill yourself” is all you want to hear. It also offers links to the suicide hotline, which is great if you like being tied down for days at a time and tortured.  I get why such segments exist for those stuck permanently in ideation, but do you think anyone who actually wishes to die cares at all about rules against expressing hatred, or that if they just call a hotline everything will be okay? I certainly hope you aren’t that stupid. Goodbye; if I’m lucky, I will never have to see a bastion of false hope like this one ever again.

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Chronic PainGeneral

Surprisingly, Death Makes Horror Movies Less Scary

by LiquidHuman
written by LiquidHuman

I’ve been watching a lot of videos about the movie Us. It’s been out for a year or so, so I don’t think I need to explain the premise. But without giving too much away, it’s about this family that is stalked by their doppelgangers, known as the tethered. It’s actually a cool premise, and I’d recommend watching it if you haven’t already. That said, I feel like my suicidal tendencies have ruined this movie for me.

For the longest time I’ve wished for someone to take my place. I realize my family would be devastated if I ever decided to off myself. I can’t even lie to myself about that anymore. Every since I started highschool, I imagined just having some less fortunate orphan kid take my place. I thought of writing a suicide note to my parents telling them to adopt a kid and give her all the things I owned in life and to treat her like their own. You know, to give it to someone who probably deserved it more than me. But I realize that was immature of me. Even if that were my final wish, they’d never be able to replace me in their minds. No matter how much better their new child would be. (God, even if it’s true, thinking that makes me feel so egotistical. I feel nasty thinking that.)

But if I could just make a deal my doppelganger and have her become me for me, I wouldn’t have to worry about that. I could just go off, jump off a bridge, and just disappear. No one would even have to know I died. As far as my parents know, I hit my head and got amnesia or something. Then afterwards, life could just go on as normal. And she could be happy. Hot meals, nice clothes, a warm bed: everything I feel as though I don’t deserve. That’d probably make her day. Hell, it’d make her whole damn life. She’d probably make a better me than I would anyway. If I can’t be happy with such a good life, I should at least give it to someone who could appreciate it.

But again, it’s just a movie. No point asking the what-ifs of a fictional situation.

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Chronic PainGeneralRantsStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

I’ve got nothing left to lose, but my life.

by FireFLook
written by FireFLook

I’m shackled to it. I find it cruel.
I’m bound to every breath I take; it’s pain. How do I make it stop?

The walls are closing in, and if I am to deal with this alone, there is only one way out for me.

Alone?

I challenge, I dare, anyone to tell me differently. I have been begging for help for months— No, my whole life?

Cherished people I’ve loved are dead. People I once called friends, are gone. My despairing, tormented existence was too much to tolerate. It is easier for them to deny the problem exists (that I exist), than to offer their hand to me when I am drowning.

These are the people and services that rant about pop culture mental health, as if they know pain. The sort that post: “It’s ok to not be ok”, or “you are not alone” over a serene background, but ignore the phone when you call.

They don’t matter anymore. Their morality is as void as the words they spit.

If life is so valuable, then treat the lives that enter yours with compassion and kindness.

Listen…

I might not be alone in my suffering here, but I am alone; standing on broken legs, battered and bloodied. Perhaps you are too.

I nearly died last week. I won’t say how. The finality of what nearly happened, was a relief. Surviving, is confusing.

What is slowing me now? Instinct. For how long? That’s anybody’s guess. Death is an inevitable one-way consequence of being alive. I’d prefer not to rush, if I can help it.

I used to use this site a long while ago. I might stick around to post and comment, or this might be a one-off.

But…

These are my thoughts, and thank you for taking the time to read.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

DESPICABLE ME

by bipolar adam
written by bipolar adam

My despicable me hate any kind of effort specially that related to money and i laught at those who get up every morning to do some repetitive boring task and waiting for month to pass to get a few coins or bills however i would gladly accept free and easy money like passive income or lottery if it works for me

My despicable me love no one even my family and i feel nothing when one of my family is suffering or died and sometimes i enjoyed other’s suffering hence i have no friend whatsoever even if someone try to get close to me i reject him instantly and i dont believe in love or any good relationship like friendship but i believe in lust benefits and business and i think that each human live for himself while trying to use the others to the maximum for himself only however i do feel bad sometimes about violance and suffering of others and i would like to help

My despicable me unstable and want to do something tragic shocking or against all rules and protocoles just for the hell of it and i think that human lives is worthless and most of them will burn in hell

My despicable me think that psychiatrists are loser and they lie at people for money while they themselves suffer and i think that we pretend that we are strong smart and rich while we all slave to money we all make mistakes and we all get deseas and die evantually

My despicable me feel like an avenger feel that the world is the enemy feel that human are evil by nature and deserve pain & suffering however my despicable me needs some love some care and to be sufficent but i dont care at all if anything change or nothing at all

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

The Highlife Lowlife

by XJGH96
written by XJGH96

Hey. What’s up. I’m James. I have had a long period of suicidal issues. It started with loneliness, then the cutting, then saying ohhh I’m gonna do it. But as I grow older the loneliness part went completely away. I have so many people in my life constantly but I just don’t care. They just use me as a means of pleasure. Damned if you do damned if you don’t type situation. Yeah its how it is. How do I deal with it. Chemicals. Just some weed. It helps a ton but then it doesn’t because I can’t use it forever. Or maybe I could but I just can’t figure it out. I constantly tried to find an escape. Make the abuse of being used stop. Make my job stop. Make the payments stop. Make the rent. Stop. This is what would make me happy. Others not profiting on me. I have dreamed of finding a large boat and filling it with food and farms and all the stuff that I enjoy. Probably a pinball machine. And just sailing away. Of course I would build these things and never make anyone else do it. anyways Then I would be alone and nobody could ever bother me again. I could just sit and work for myself and my needs like food and fishing and silly things I think are funny. I have had the privilege of doing so much. And it made me worse. I don’t wanna be fancy. I don’t wanna be exclusive. And I don’t want sex. I would like to rest. A very deep rest. I have never seen or heard of a situation that warrants so much effort. A nice thing takes a lot of work. And the work is so hard that if I didn’t have to do the work then I would gladly not have the thing because then I could just rest. I feel I have little energy left. My power levels are low. I feel that I am at the center of a crazy government abuse scheme. My wife was raped and they didn’t do anything. Her brother died very young. Her parents can’t get legal documents to work. My aunt killed herself. My family who is privileged wastes are their money on boats, pills, and houses. My parents work for a college in texas thats primary funding come from depression pill manufacturing. They say, oh you’ll get better, you’ll get disability, you need to try this because there is something wrong with you. Oh and I get a huge cut from youre insurance and pharmacy bills. Oh and all the rent goes to a guy thats just sitting next to you in the same type of apartment accept he gets you to pay for his space. Wait its his house on the hill now. Gets paid to tell the poor foreigner to fix your pipes. Yeah. great. Wish I could do that. not wait maybe. u fucking nazi. This is what I faced and this is what killed me if I died. Others. I don’t belive anyone has ever commited suicide. It was done to them. Well maybe out of guilt or something but thats hardly ever the case. And even then. Why would anyone hurt others if they werent hurt first. Whats to learn from this? The people who are looking have zero power to even control their own lives let alone all this. Yeah IDK. I personally love this site because it feels like. Oh you can tell the world is bleeding too? Cool at least we can talk. At least we can feel each other existing.

XJGH96

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