I am 28 years old and I live in Los Angeles. I have PTSD that causes me to have a breathing problem. I have been through so much despair that I unwillingly hold my breathe when ever I am around people. Every one and I mean EVERYONE talks about like I am stupid ,they gossip right infront of me and they don’t even whisper.
They are basically Brittney Spearing me. My breathing problem is not being able to fully breathe in or fully breathing out. I work as a courier in DTLA and I am always being himulated . My breathing problem has lead me to lose every job I have always had, it has even made me go homeless from the age of 21-25 years old.
Long story short, these people call me “El”. They whisper that I am important and yet they never treat me like it. I am indeed a loser and when I was 13 I began planning my suicide, I was going to drink as much and fuck as much before 18 years old. I am now 28 and no longer wish suicide. I desire euthanasia.
I am not as depressed as I was how ever just like everyone else I am forced to work everyday to pay rent. I have to go out into society smelling like cancer ,always putting up with .”he smells like cancer” ,”he cant breathe properly” “hes retarded ” “he is a loser ” .. etc
Chances are if you live near DTLA ,you know who I am.
Death is my only salvation.
Every year I get worse.
I don’t even breathe in anymore.
I am literally burning in the inside because of not enough oxygen.
I am just here to ask one thing .
Will you and should you join me? If you wonder how , ********.
Have a blessed death.
I’ve never believed I’d make it past 21. I was convinced I’d get a slight feeling of autonomy and take the opportunity to end everything, and yet i’m 26 and still falling into the same trap. 4 suicide Attempts since age 11. Each one interrupted before things started. Then I turn 20. While laying on the railway, I find goals to acheive, I move out, I build myself up financially, and now 5 years later, I’ve acheived my goals, and along the way I meet who would be my best friend and soon to be wife. And I come to realize that I’ve never been happy, every day prior was just agony. Putting up with abuse, physical, emotional, and sexual from most all family and “friends” but I have broken free from this cycle, and I know what joy feels like now. that doesn’t change much however.
3 years ago I was diagnosed as Rapidcycling Bipolar II, meaning my manias don’t necessarily reach a loss of reality, but the depressions often spiral to suicide. The kicker being these cycles repeat every 2 months. I’ve since managed to switch to “dehydration methods” for the sole reason of how long they take, letting me accurately gage whether or not I’m acting on impulse. Often stopping after 4 days, I still find certain things even clearer after each attempt.
I don’t enjoy anything, I have no true aspirations, I am coasting until the next hurdle strikes and I start fasting again. I come home from work and from there until i sleep, I force myself to eat or watch a movie or socialize, but it’s always the same. more of a chore than an activity. A slough to sit through until i can eventually sleep and try again tomorrow. And no matter how well things go, I come out of it wishing I never tried to begin with.
So here I am again, day 3 of the fast, unsure what tomorrow will bring. I just want off this ride.
My childhood was nothing but trauma. My teen years were the same. I’m almost 21, and all I’ve had to look back on is wasted years, trauma, and grief. My disability prevented me from enjoying even the decent years.
The worst part is that I’m still experiencing trauma. I’m not even free from my abusive family.
I wonder if I ever will be free from here while I’m still alive.
Throughout my life I’ve met and connected with people that suffer the same way I do – that have an overwhelming sense of dread in the morning, or are waiting for the day to die. They’re all gone now. Moved onto better things. Better lives. And I’m still stuck here.
I don’t understand. There’s something inside my head – an anchor, chaining me in place. Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I get a friend? Why can’t I be successful in school? Why can’t I mean something to someone? And they can… Like it never was anything to them. Maybe I could never relate with them, and I was as confused about my existence then as I am now. Maybe it wasn’t agony for them to be alive everyday. Maybe I was alone the entire time.
Lately I’ve been having impulses to die. Impulses that would cause someone to complete the final step. My body’s trying to kill me.
“Every morning he got up
Dreading each moment he had to be awake
He’d look at the floor, scribble on gum wrappers
He never found a better way to joke around
The clock would tick and time would slow
There wasn’t anywhere he wouldn’t go
To avoid having to see anyone
He’d sit in a chair and lean against a wall
But that didn’t seem to matter much at all
But late at night he had a saviour
In his sleep, in his dreams
She came to him and she said
“Poor you, poor you
No one understands you
Poor you, poor you“”
hello world not saying my name just in case someone I know sees this. I’m 12 years old. I’m just a stupid kid. I hate my life I hate my culture I hate my family I hate myself so much. I don’t have any freedom at all I live in Saudi Arabia I hate it here so much. My family is very homophobic and sexist. they always tell me not to do stuff cuz its only for “boys”. That’s not even that bad but let me get to the point. My parents abuse me mentally and physically. Many people here or just Arabs in general would find it normal but its really not. they would sometimes hit me for no reason at all. My mental health is so fucked up all my thoughts are about me killing myself self harming or just harming others. march-present is hell. just hell. my dad is the worst every time he does ONE good thing for us I tell myself I was just being dramatic about everything he’s done and said to me. also the same thing for my mom. I just wonder why am I here? I’m not doing anything good for this shitty world. I can’t do anything right. and I just wish I was normal. I feel like a boy sometimes it just doesn’t feel like I’m a girl it just doesn’t feel like I have a gender and I find girls attractive. I keep telling myself its all in my head and I’m not gay and I like guys but it just cant get out of my head. I also have an online friend who knows about this she’s very kind and nice but I sometimes regret telling her everything. she told me to run away or just get help but its not easy and I don’t wanna leave my family even though I hate them so much but I also love them. i cant leave my house or just go on a normal walk but all my male cousins can. why cant I? why not me? what did I do to deserve all this? I just don’t know what to say. I’ve took some pills before knowing damn well if I kill myself I would go to hell but I didn’t care. I just want to go to a place where no one could find me I just want to die. the thing that’s bothering the most is my parents actually care about my future and they’re doing everything for me to have a good future. but they’re pushing me way to much. they made me feel worthless and useless so many god damn times. I keep telling myself to shut the fuck up and be grateful for everything and that other people have it worse then me and my parents are not even that bad compared to the ones here and that I’m just a kid and what they’re doing is normal and I’m just faking all this. but they just wouldn’t accept me for who I am and for who I wanna be in the future. At one point it actually got a bit better couple days ago we were all bonding all laughing then BOOM. Everything get’s 10x worse. No matter how happy I am my thoughts would ruin me. It doesn’t get better it might for a day and then it all goes downhill again. It just feels like I’m drowning in my own fucking head. I’m just a stupid kid that wants to die. (might delete this later)
MY MIND IS THE WORST!
I wish I could stop overthinking everything. I hate that I always make a mountain out of a molehill (sometimes even an anthill). It’s summer vacation but I’m still full of worries and I can’t tell whether or not they’re valid because I’m just too detatched from reality at this point.
Why am I so goddamn insecure? Why does my mind feel the need to compare me to others and make me feel infinitely inferior to them? Is it really accurate to think that I’m incredibly stupid, repulsively ugly, and undesirable in every way to be around? My insecurities are so awful that I can’t even read through Beyond Good and Evil by Nietzsche (which I was very excited to read) because I’m convinced that I’m too stupid to understand him and because once I reach a difficult point in the book I just quit.
How hard is it for my mind to quit it with all of the awful flashbacks? Why can’t I put my past behind me? Why am I still beating myself up over that period of time 3 years ago when I kept fucking up and going way out of my way to say horribly mean things when I didn’t even intend to be mean in the first place (am I autistic)? Why am I letting other people’s bullshit and insults get to me?
Why does my mind torment me like this? I just want to be normal and happy…
I don’t really know why I try, if I’m honest. Before, I thought maybe my creative work wasn’t too bad – but now I think it’s all horrible, right as I’m about to finish a big project. I keep thinking it’s not good enough to show to anyone despite all my work. I’ve told people about how I’m about to finish it, I can’t just pretend that never happened – but I don’t want them to judge it once they see it. It’s all over the place… A mess of work.
Creative work is really all I have. I can’t stand long enough to get hired by people, and any job that doesn’t require me to stand just won’t hire me either because I’m not qualified for the job or they just don’t want a disabled person on staff. If my creative work isn’t good enough, I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t want to be stuck in this abusive household forever, and it feels like a matter of time before I’m kicked out.
Sometimes I dream about really simple things, like getting a really normal job at a grocery store or something. Even though I can’t stand long enough to work a cash register, I’ve applied to them before. I’ve applied to quite a few jobs and I’ve never gotten a call back before. They just don’t want me, not even jobs like goverment libraries where it’s technically illegal to discriminate when hiring.
Getting on disability seems like an obvious route, but it’s notoriously difficult – and I wouldn’t be able to have more than 2,000 dollars in my bank account or I’d stop receiving money. People don’t know how bad it is, especially considering that wheelchairs meant for daily use are at LEAST 1,000 dollars, with the average cost being MUCH higher.
It feels like there’s really no future for me if I can’t be a good enough artist to make a living – but as it stands, I’m jut not good enough. I don’t know if I’ll ever be good enough – or if I’ll ever be noticed if I somehow get good enough. Not to mention, everyone around me keeps saying I’ll only make money once I’m dead…
What happens after we die ? I wonder. Am I gonna find myself in a beautiful village with habitants full of love attention who would care for me when I’m sick, be happy for me when I succeed, accompany me in the worst times. We would laugh together about silly jokes, eat every meal together, play outside and take care of Farm animals. The view from our house would be breathtaking and everyone would get along. But most importantly, I would have forgotten everything,, every little bit of abuse, self hatred and abomination from this current life. I really hope this heaven awaits me for I am coming soon.
I honest to god don’t know how much longer I can take it anymore. Life from my birth to 16 has been awful: watching my mom almost die, groomed and attempted molestation from my brother, watching my mother try to kill herself daily by overdosing, my dad choosing women over me, school abuse, the list goes on. I can’t go into detail without writing a novel’s worth. When 2020 came….that January I finally looked into my mother’s death after five, going on six years. And it solidified something I wanted to do in life: be an autopsist. I studied my heart out into anatomy and taking classes to prep for college admissions. My love for health science got me several letters from big name colleges and people. But a day after my birthday, I felt my toe lose sensation. And it all went downhill from there … today I struggle with my balance, am in constant debilitating pain, get tingling throughout random parts of my body, have problems using the bathroom, and deal with constant migraines among other things. After I finally survived long enough to decide what I want to do with my life, I’ve lost it all again. My doctor thinks I have MS and I am supposed to be getting an MRI. I turn 18 in less than two weeks, and honest to god have lost hope for my life. “Things will get better” is a lie. After being two months clean I’ve gone back to cutting. I feel like a burden on everyone, and I wish my friend whos constantly worried about me wasn’t. He deserves better. I just don’t know how much longer I can go on.
This is my first post here, so hello. You can call me Grimhild. I’m in my early 20s. This is going to be a bit rambly. I’m very tired because I haven’t slept.
In short, I feel very useless.
I’m trying to get a physical disability diagnosed. I was supposed to sleep so I could get my blood test done, but every time I’m going to get a blood test done I cant sleep until the sun is up, then I pass out and sleep
I woke up today feeling absolutely dreadful. Getting up was so difficult to do; I was struggling in bed just wanting to sleep or, better yet, to die. I knew that I was going to be late to Homeroom but I didn’t care. It took me around ten minutes just to get my laptop from the drawer of the nightstand next to my bed.
It’s so beautiful outside, but it feels wrong. The stunning appearance of experience is a deceitful facade that conceals its horrors. I’m looking out the window right now and thinking, “How is it that the world has so many beautiful things in it yet life is so horrible?”
I’m suffering from crippling anxiety right now. I can’t focus on anything. I can’t even reassure myself anymore because I’m entirely convinced that my fears are accurate.
I couldn’t finish my essay in English class today because my ability to do the task was nearly nonexistent. I remember just a matter of months ago when I was able to finish my essays before everyone else did. The standardized test for English is on Thursday. I’m fucked.
I was trying to make an early plan for college but in the back of my mind I kept thinking, “Why even bother? I just want to die.” That thought almost always comes into my mind whenever I want to get something done. I don’t see a point in anything. I can’t feel genuine happiness anymore. I’m tired of all of it. I just want my life back.
Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Back In 2013
I used to come to this site a lot as a 13 year old. My username was MadeToFade.
Im Jamie. I’ll be 24 in late July of 2021. Before suicideproject was a .org, I came to type out my feelings. I expressed my frustrations and sadness, but I also conversated with a male 22 years older than myself on that website, underneath the old username Ive given above.
Due to observation by members of the site, it was pointed out that “Nolen” was in fact an adult, and “MadeToFade” was in fact a minor.
I am thankful that someone noticed and felt alarmed enough to say something.
Unfortunately, the observations and comments werent enough for a criminal charge, or much of an interrogation at all.
I am coming to this website now because I have no one to talk to about this particular time in my life. Well, I have a few people (including a licensed therapist) that I could go into detail with, but it is very, very uncomfortable. My hope is that this place will be the one where I can share my experiences openly and readily, as I assume that you, the reader, is not familiar with me personally and probably has no idea what I look like, who my family is, or how exactly this all played out and the shockwaves it has sent throughout my family and into my future.
I am deeply troubled by our world’s treatment of victims, especially in recent years. I am also deeply troubled by false accusations. My experiences are anything but false. I live every day hoping that I die.
Right now it is 1:30am. I have to sleep for work in the morning. Ill be back.
I can’t believe how old I am now. 37. My suicidal thoughts started when I was 8. My life was hard and abusive. It’s not like that now but I had already died inside a long ago and I just keep inhabiting this shell.
I was smart enough not to bring a child. I’d probably would have been an absent mother with occasional outbursts of disproportionate rage and pass this poison on to my future generation.
I wouldn’t advise everyone who has a bad day or a few rough weeks even, to do it but
If your life is objectively horrible
If the meds don’t work
Treatment doesn’t help
If you start realizing that every round of self haterad you get weaker and exhausted and you’re just in so much pain it’s unbearable
If you know that you have been absolutely consistent with this for years
and you’re still relatively young – trust me – your pain will never cease. Your courage might. False hope might arise and dilute you from the right deed
but
from the perspective of this wornedout woman – I just wish that I had went through with it all the way the first time, back when I was 16. Even when I was 22 or 24 or 27…
Don’t drag it longer than necessary.
You will never fully recover and the deeper you are in the sh!t pile the smaller are the chances for you to ever be normal or fully functional or without that endless constant hole in the middle of your chest.
Just do it. My existence is long overdue and I regret my cowardice every day.
I’m so sick and tired of living this nightmare that is my life. I have been deprived of all happiness and feel nothing but pain. Life is a terror and bad things keep happening to me. I don’t feel safe at all. I’m not even me anymore. My mind is deteriorating and I have trouble thinking straight at times. I feel extreme, unbearable anxiety that makes me feel like I’m dying. I loathe myself and wish I never existed. I wish I had been fucking aborted at least, goddamnit. Things will never get better. There’s no way out at this point; it’s too late to save myself. I should have done something about it earlier but I didn’t because I’m a stupid idiot. I feel so sad and anxious all the time to the point that I can’t sit and just read a fucking book anymore (I miss doing that). I wish I had a shoulder to cry on but it’s not like I can open up to my parents about how I feel because I’m only sad because I’m uNgRaTeFuL. I want to die. I’m so sad and I can hardly bear it anymore. Life is so horrible and painful. It’s only a matter of time until I lose my mind completely.
I hate being alive. I’d kill myself, but my parents would freak out and my siblings/friends would be sad. So I literally only live because other people expect me to…
This lack of meaning in my life has led me to focus excessively on the superficial things such as how I look, what I have, and what other people think of me. The raging philosopher in me condemns this, but I can’t help it.
Whenever something goes wrong or I experience a setback in my life now, I get so upset, as if every good thing in my life has gone. I guess the feeling is kind of accurate though, because the physical and observable are all I have now as I’ve been deprived of reasons to live and the feelings that make life worthwhile despite its challenges.
Maybe if things get too difficult, I will kill myself. It’s not like I’ll really care about the people who don’t want me to die at such a point anyway.
Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide NoteStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
The way I live
It is very difficult to express the way I feel on a daily basis. Today, I was supposed to study for my finals but i didn’t. Thoughts kept running through my mind, and I imagined a whole conversation with a psychiatrist and kept talking to him for 3 hours. It felt like I was in a bubble, it felt so real. I’ve always been like this, since I do not have close friends, there’s no one to share my thoughts with, so I imagine people in my mind. Oh lord loneliness has become my home. I feel very awkward when engaging in a real conversation with other people. I’m no more in control of what comes out of their mouths, they’re not as thoughtful and kind as my imaginary psychiatrist. I have never been in a relationship which is very abnormal for a person my age. My mother is apathetic, she can’t express emotions, my father is a violent man and my older sibling suffers from schizophrenia. Let’s just say I don’t know how to express emotions . I don’t know how to socialize. I am utterly obsessed with people. Whenever I’m out, I observe everyone around me, Their spontaneity, their playfulness. I couldn’t ever use my words in such an intelligent way. Half the time, I don’t even have control of the words that come out of my mouth. I wanna have someone that likes me, see a genuine smile meant for me. I’ve never heard a word of encouragement from my mother. She is barely alive, never have I seen her mad or sad. I maybe see her laugh once in a month. She doesn’t like it when I talk too much, I’ve never had a pleasant conversation with my mum. We only talk about necessities. Once I couldn’t stop crying, she was sitting next to me with her phone on her hands. Saw me, came to me, asked me how I was, I told her I was fine and she came back to what she was doing. I was very obviously not fine, haven’t eaten for 3 days, haven’t gone to school either. My dad started visiting me more often, my mum told me that he thinks I’m gonna end it soon . Well, he wasn’t wrong, I have been praying for my death. I wanna burn myself alive. It’s just very sad that I have never had a person care for me, I wish I’d have had someone. I’ve prayed n prayed for someone to help me, anyone. I wonder how it feels to be genuinely hugged. I ask my mum for hugs all the time, she gives them to me mechanically. I wonder what goes on in her mind, what she’s always thinking about. I wonder if she’ll feel something when I’m not around . She’ll probably be relieved. She has told me in the past that I was responsible for her unhappiness and that I was a manipulative person that was hoping for her decline. I am not, I swear. At that time, I was planning my suicide attempt, and she was fuel to my everlasting anger. I hope People will remember some of my good deeds.
I don’t know how to fully explain this feeling.I’m certain that I’m going to die soon. Actually I’ve been taking antidepressants on and off (SSRI) and I would take 5 mg for days then switch to ten, then not take it for some days really depending on my moods. Honestly, I got very paranoid I felt like taking them would change me completely and make me an idiot for the rest of my life. I also had some very troubling thoughts about burning myself it was almost as if I was obsessing over the idea of doing it . I wanted to burn myself to death so bad. I just stopped taking them abruptly. It’s been three months that I haven’t seen my psychiatrist and now I’m obssessing about my death.Btw I’m diagnosed with severe depression.I can’t stop thinking that I’m going to die soon, I’m not as depressed as I was before it just feels like I’m not living in reality idk it’s just a very weird feeling I feel like I’m dreaming and I’m always distracted I can’t concentrate on anything. This is so weird it’s scaring me. At times I feel like someone’s watching me or I can’t look at myself on the mirror because I feel like I’m looking at the devil.It’s very hard to explain, I feel like there is someone in me trying to hurt me, someone whispering to me that I should burn or die. And I get so overwhelmed by that voice that I find myself very close to doing what is being said to me then in a blink of an eye I feel like I’m back to reality and everything feels like it was a dream. Once I got guided to the rooftop and I was standing at the edge about to jump, it almost felt like I was mesmerized. Other times I burn myself pretty badly ( third degree burns) it makes me laugh hysterically.I feel ecstatic. My response to pain is very abnormal especially to being burned. Please give me some advice idk what the hell is happening
I dont know how I feel, it´s not that I want to die I just want to disppear without hurting anyone. The thing is, you can just get help, but i feel that I don´t have any reason to be sad and I dont want to talk to a psycologist when some people have real problems, my life is good so why do I feel this way. I just can´t take it anymore, I want to leave this world and my mind, i want to finally relax.
My family always called me a glow stick because I shine to them with my fake smile, I don’t need your pity when my life sucks ass? and I’m in love with a Taurus male. It’s important I’ve known him for so long and we both love each other in a romantic relationship way. So we are kinda just really close friends. My friends probably know who this is already I know too. But what do they really know about me? I don’t even know myself or who I am.. all I know is for a fact I love him, he loves me. It’s started with sitting at our local church that not one of us ever gone to. The spiders and spirits in there all have really bad energy. You can sometimes see things in there, the voices get louder when I’m by it. But watching the sunset while holding hands sounds so perfect. Perfect.. what is it? Him. Him and I. But once on the stairs on that church while I was sitting there, alone, at 8:32 p.m I wanted to end it. I wanted to leave everything, everyone. And if I did jump off those stairs that day everyone would know my name, everything would be sour. The sour feelings where it stays with you till you perish, till you drop dead. That exact feeling where you would start gagging to throwing up just thinking about it. It’s scary but so are the people that made me do it. Those mean people that made me have PTSD, start cutting, start feeling anxious, and starting to cry myself asleep, everything went wrong, and everything felt wrong. It’s not my fault right??? But what if I’m just faking it like everyone says? What if my grandpa doesn’t really touch me for his pleasure with my consent-less eyes. What if the very deep bloody scars on my arms and face are fake? What if I wasn’t in love? Who’s fault is it? It’s not mine. Right? It can’t be or the times I wanted to end it, all of my previous 9 attempts, were fake? It doesn’t make sense, the world is very overwhelming and awkward. But like always. Like a glow stick. I snapped and pored out everything, all my feelings left. But I’m still glowing with my truly amazing smile, is it fake this time?
my nightmares have gotten worse. my fear of being asleep is debilitating. it’s getting harder and harder to remind myself that i’m being excessively paranoid about things that are “unlikely” or some shit. i’m convinced that i’m constantly in danger. i don’t like being asleep because it means i can’t defend myself or my family. i don’t like not being in control of my surroundings. i want barbed wire on the fence. i want a taser. i want a full, realtime security system where there’s a security agent constantly watching the cameras and who will call 911 when something is happening. i want to be so intimidating that nobody would even fantasize about hurting me or my loved ones. i feel like i’m losing my fucking mind. i’m so tired of screaming in my sleep. i’m so tired of quadruple checking the locks on every fucking door. i’m tired of closing my curtains as much as possible so that nobody could possibly locate where i am in my room because im convinced that someone would peer through my window and shoot me in the head. i’ve been constantly knocking on wood because i don’t wanna know if it’s real or not. if it works then i wanna do it. im not even a superstitious person but here i am knocking on wood every time i even THINK about these horrible situations that play out in my head.
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