I figured it out. I think I have a spending addiction. Not because I can afford it, but because my brain just doesn’t work the same anymore. I think I am in serious trouble. I think I can no longer be alone. I think while my privacy was super important to me I may have to sacrifice it for a little. In order to get better. I think my mind has been affected by the physical changes in my brain. I dislike myself at the moment. I don’t really want to be around people, i don’t really want to make changes, but i think it’s […]
Category:
Chronic Pain
It’s just one of those days to research ways to kms. No one knows how exhausted I am. I’ve hit rock bottom today and it feels as though I’m not going to get up any time soon. The worst is, that my doctor won’t write me up to take time off anymore. Well, I guess that sucks to everybody else. I’m not getting out of the house unless absolutely necessary. I can’t care about anybody’s needs anymore. I’m in a constant goose chase and I have nothing to show for it.
When the pennies are so hard, that they’re crushing you…
I got a whiff of what owning some money feels like and it lessened my depression, because I went out more, to explore and buy a little something for myself. I still wear clothes from when I was 15 years old. (I just turned 25) Social contacts go up as well. A lady from eBay came by my home to drop off a Blu-Ray Player ’cause mine broke, she was nice.
Now my Mom’s going to be in a tough spot money wise and I’m afraid my money will go to the usual survival shit again. I’m […]
I’ve decided on an end date for myself. August 31st. This is the date of the next Blue Moon. Of course the stargazing conditions have to be perfect. Im not sure why I chose this. Maybe its because I want to go out on a beautiful night. I know this time I can’t back out. I won’t. I’m so tired. I love my mom and sister and the one friend I have but I can’t do this anymore. Perhaps I may find a reason to stay by the time the Blue Moon comes around but I highly doubt it. I am trying to keep my […]
If I were near an ocean I would let the tide take me.
Feeling the current pull me under.
The brief suffocating feeling .
The pressure of the water,
Filling my lungs.
No More fighting.
No more struggle.
No more air.
I could use a little weed or maybe some alcohol. its been a lot lately I been taking 2 Benadryl each day two sleep all day at school since im gonna fail anyways. I need a break. It would be nice if I could just pause time for a little while. I keep thinking I am going to try harder and I do for a little while but I just keep going back down. Can’t seem to ever catch up. All I ever do is sleep and work. Some times if I feel like it i’ll play my piano. I don’t play video games like […]
I took like 70 pills over the span of 2 nights. (20 one night and 50 the next). I did extensive research on what does not react well with eachother and how much can kill you. I took like more than that 7 of of each kind. I took Xanax, Oxycodone, 10 of Adderall, Prozac, Lexapro, Percocet, and some others I can’t quit remember the name of them though. So why did some 13 year old get to OD on Benadryl and I was only in the ICU for three days. Im only a few years older than him. He didn’t even […]
I feel kinda off after the talk I’ve had with a psychiatric outpatient clinic. I feel like, she didn’t really understand my limitations on how I struggle with life and what treatment I’d be willing to do. She kept shoving her clinic onto me. I’ve looked at it years back and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it.
To her, a stationary psycho clinic is like vegetating away and not grasping the problem. What the hell, I bet lots of people wouldn’t even consider getting help like that. I don’t wanna be a Debby-Downer but I have the feeling, no one really understands, how […]
Something running down my eyes; my eyes running like an egg yolk. Touched up with fountain pen dots, impersonating black holes. Something behind my eye; twisted spaghetti nerves. Stethoscope-as-a-tie-wearers refused to look for too long; didn’t want to get sucked in. Several moons returned; can of wormholes still opened. It’s working against me; outer monologe turned to inner conundrum. Cylinders with hemispherical ends are the shape of the impaired. Again, who’s absorbing whom? Cut off the midst of the fingers on a rubber glove. Moons start melting like hot wax, just like my eyes. Infinity’s the time of heart, not a natural phenomenon.
I’ve remembered a childhood friend of mine, who’s rather popular on social media.
I didn’t have any contact to any school friends, ever since I deleted my Facebook in 2014. I’m basically a ghost, nobody knows what my life became. I’m so glad about that too, ’cause let me tell you, being bullied even by your so-called friends, does something to your perception on how the world views you.
Adults don’t do that to me anymore. I’m happy, I met people who can look behind someone’s appearance, their disability and sexuality.
But back to my friend. I have watched a video of her, where she explains what she […]
When someone has a simple (singular) problem, usually and logically there will be a simple solution. For example, there’s something in a person’s nose, they’ll sense an itch or tickle and naturally sneeze.
If that doesn’t resolve, they might next try self-help such as over-the-counter medicine.
Eventually, if their remedies fail, they will seek a medical professional, and then the medical care will bring healthy closure. But let’s say it gets worse, first prescriptions fail, then chronic sinus infections, etc. Usually, a doctor’s last resort is surgery—because of the inherent risks and not guaranteed final results. If all fails, then ultimately the health problem will lead to […]
I hate them so much. I know they say they love me but dammit I just want to die. I tried to shoot myself last year but the gun jammed since it was so poorly taken care of. I have a new one and I tried but they locked all the bullets away so I cant just have a quick and nearly painless death. I am so tired. So fucking done. I even tried to write a suicide note, a little letter so they dont blame themselves or anyone else but halfway through I realized that I actually dont care. I dont care what they […]
I have these wounds that can be sealed,
leaving these marks that keep.
But the wounds can never be healed,
They were way too deep.
The confidence I lack,
The damage that has been done,
Trying to fight against the attack,
when I am less than one,
I can’t breath at all.
The version of myself I want but can’t be,
Because I put up a wall,
Helping the self destruct that is me.
Im not in control of my own head anymore. I haven’t been in a while. Depression has taken over. I’ve been making friends with it.
I had a great shift at work yesterday then I got home and once I got in my room I just started crying. I HATE CRYING. I never wanna cry again.
I have these small little moments of excitement but its a fleeting feeling. It never lasts for very long
I got screamed at that I didn’t get my mom a coffee when I place an online order, even though I only had enough money in to get my own. She screamed at […]
I hate that i’m always lonely. I hate that I push people away. I hate that I feel like I could snap at any moment. I hate that I have MDD, DMDD, GAD, and ADD. I hate that I hate myself.
ughhh why? why am I here. I don’t understand. Ive got a bottle of rum so I think im just gonna drink to my hearts content until I pass out.
I want to be with someone who makes me feel good. Somebody who is funny and will make me smile. Someone who will be there when i’m down. Someone I can do all those same things for in return. I know i’m not good enough though I am going to be lonely forever.
Depression has ruined everything. when something is peaceful its only for a few moments. Then everything goes to shit again. I get annoyed and start pushing people away. I don’t realize I’ve been pushing everyone away until Im really low. Its the same cycle over and over and over. one big endless cycle.
I had an urge to end it all the other day. I don’t know why I Didn’t.
Im so lonely and I just want a relationship where somebody cares about me. Someone who shares my interests and who will make me smile and laugh. But how can somebody love me when I don’t love […]
all theses thoughts inside my head. all this pain. all these things make me wish I were dead. my brain is destroying myself from the inside out. any stability I had left is withering away. at the moment there is no peace, no happy, no joy. all the things that drive me crazy.
Im never gonna escape the self destruct area because it IS ME. I feel I am slowly and subconsciously destroying my relationship with my mom. I never wanna talk anymore. Talking to people annoys me. Im failing all my classes and my mom just wants to withdraw me from school till next year. I hate high school. Its like there’s instructions in my brain to self destruct my life and I can’t stop it. Im falling towards rock bottom and and occasionally land on ledges that break my fall But its only for a moment Then the ledge crumbles out from under me.
My friend can fall asleep in midst a second, even during our conversations and already at like 9 pm, while I lay awake in bed for hours until the birds start to sing at 4 am. I’m such a night crawler and society screws me because of it. I’d like to see the successful morning people stay up til 7 am like I do *sigh* sadly there’s nothing for me out there.
I’d like a chance to see, whether I’d be happier when living and working at night. Maybe my depression really depends on this. I’m tired all the time, I stress myself because I need […]
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