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Back again, seems it never stops…

by comfortably numb
written by comfortably numb

I’ve been around the site for a long time now, but never really posted anything… Guess I never thought the point of it. (Reaching out) or sharing my feelings hasn’t been a strong suit being an introvert and all but right now I’m on the verge again… I’ve been struggling since a long time, first with autoimmune diseases and how I coped with it just so I can keep working since 4 years by abusing benzo’s .. trying to quit and ween off slowly now, but it’s hell. I haven’t been to work in a week(I hate it) plus the withdrawals are bad… I skip work alot cause of my autoimmune and “issues” and I feel so guilty about it. Just want this all to be over. Sorry for the long post and derailing thoughts . Hate work, hate about everything right now. My brain is a mush about now and all I want is no one bothering me while it slowly deconstructs.

 

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsGeneral

its ironic i deserve to die

by icant8209
written by icant8209

i am so afraid of death not really whats after it but the process of it and kinda whats after but my brain is just terrified of dying i think about it every fucking day and i wish i didnt. the funny part is that its the one thing in this world i deserve and i know it, i regret alot of things ive done and i know i deserve to die because of it. im so fucking paranoid all the time i cant remember the last time i havent felt like shit and everyone tells me its in my head and that this feeling will pass but they dont know that i deserve death if god is real i know i deserve to go to hell and burn forever nd most people fear that but its so much more fucked up when you know you deserve to be there or that you deserve all the pain and suffering your going through fuckin hate it and all i can do is make myself a better person but that doesn’t change the past i wish i wasn’t afraid so i could fucking end it but the fear the paranoia the sadness the pain it doesn’t stop i feel like i might be in some sort of limbo but its not going to end i know im a better person now but now i suffer the consequences of my actions in my own God damn mind

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

Show your care

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

Who else is actually not cruel at all, but wants somebody to feel the pain, that you’re feeling yourself.? Yeah. Me. I bet if people would know, they wouldn’t be so f@cking disgusting towards each other.

My posts here are most often about how hurt I am by the actions of others. Can somebody tell me, how I can start being more ignorant like them and be less affectionate.? I can’t see anything but cruelty. What have I said wrong AGAIN.? Most often, I don’t get an answer. I’ve stopped asking this a while ago and turns out people are fine with that.

Also when someone seems like they aren’t fine, I ask. I f@cking ask. It’s not hard. It doesn’t take anything from you, except for a little bit of time, that you would’ve used to waste on social media anyway. You could save a life, asking, listening and being there for them. Or maybe even make their day or most often nights a bit easier.

And if you manage to do that once, then yes, maybe it will safe their life.

Because making a summary of days, that were especially depressing and lonely, could perhaps be lessened by one crucial day. And if more people pay attention and show compassion, more days could follow up, that weren’t that bad. This doesn’t help everyone, but it would help me. But that’s a dreamworld I live in. Where people are good and understanding.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Tortured… I know it well , Terry A Davis.

by TorturedAndExiled
written by TorturedAndExiled

Ive been betrayed, abused, mentally fucked, cheated, lied to , spied on, stolen from, robbed of happyness and all my belongings, caged in psych wards, my entire life… But it occured to me, a few years ago… That I too, live in some kind of floating box CIA prison , the same as Terry A Davis claimed he did, and explained… For over 20 years. Even in my youth, people shit on me, talk down to me, betray me. .. fuck me over… The suicide attempts, the depression, the pain i went through, the betrayals…. I never knew I lived in some kind of prison that followed me around until a few years ago, I didnt know that this life was a construct around me, with the deliberate purpose of torturing me… the entire “gangstalking” things is a cover up, honey trap, for the real victims to run to online, where they just abuse them more, and discredit them.. a whole fiasco, a shit show. a mockery of the true “target” of theirs. .. . what a fucking joke. the jokes on me. as Terry A Davis said, “i live in a cia prison, a ****** runs my prison” …… yeah…. Yeah sure, we developed all the symptoms of schizophrenia, most heavily abused people do. It didnt come natural. We werent given a chance in life. To be normal. Because we think differently. We dont suck societies cock. We arent pussies. We dont conform like sheep following a trend. Thats cool. Thats punk rock. Terry A Davis , id like to say I can make it until the day comes, where this torture shit , the truth is revealed. And i will try. But today is a bad day. Im pretty down. I joined this site to rant. To express my pain and sorrow. Sometimes I dont know if I can make it another day. What a shit life. I will try to see the day this is exposed and get some kind of vindication for you. If for nothing else.

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Chronic Pain

Emotional pain is destroying my heart

by Patheticloser
written by Patheticloser
    My past is full of horrible memories. I am mentally disabled and many people took advantage of that. Many people did absolutely horrible things to me, such as sexual abuse and bullying and got away with it. I wasn’t even aware what was being done to me. Now I am older and understand how things work, I just can’t let go of the things that happened to me. I deeply hate the people who did this to me. There is no way get back at them and that’s why I have cptsd. I am in deep emotional pain and stress.

    This stress is fucking up my heart. My heart is about to give up, I am living with a resting heart rate of 100 bpm for 1 year. Doesn’t matter if I kill myself or stay alive, I am gonna die anyway because of my heart. I really wish the concept of God or Karma was true, but it isn’t. I just can’t believe these people will live their lives without any consequences. I wish I was never born.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

I said a lot, they said nothing

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

Fact: Nobody likes a downer.

There’s just so much I don’t share with people. I could do way worse, than budging every once in a while and sound like a total pessimist, especially badmouthing myself. And if I ever do, people probably think, I’m being dramatic. Well, if only you could look into my head, you’d know that it’s just an inch of what I’m feeling daily.

I can’t pull these ridiculous jokes anymore and act, like everything is alright. I just can’t. Do you ever send something depressing to your ‘friends’ and go to bed and think: Shit, I’ll probably regret this tomorrow. And then suddenly nobody has even said a word the next morning. That just happened to me right now. I don’t understand it…

Those are especially people, I’m always there for. Even in a group chat, I personally talk to an individual, if they seem like they are not okay. But will somebody do that with me.? No. Nobody cares when they should care. It was fucking important to me, to hear something positive from them. And just silence.

I just told my friend C. that I should just stop existing, because apparently that’s the only way, I’ll stop bothering everyone. I’m just a nuisance. I’m even finding myself annoying, as I’m writing this… I’m tired guys.

And when I just logged into here, the captcha told me, to select bridges. How ironic. Why not show me a roof or something, where I should jump off.?

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

People always tell me that I’m privileged, spoiled, and have a good life, that I should be grateful. But what if that is still not enough? What if I want so much more in life?

by niki
written by niki

I’m an idealist. I have big dreams, and even visions to change the world. But sadly, in reality, there are still so many factors that limit me from achieving all my dreams. Instead, here I am just being another normal, ordinary, average Joe on the street that just only do mundane, boring, & meaningless job everyday. Even worse now, this all has led me to experience an existential crisis (or existential depression), that honestly, now I don’t even have any motivation, or basically zero energy to wake up every morning, because what’s the point? What is the point of living, and what is the purpose & meaning of life, if I have to be just like everybody else with their simple mind (simpleton) with their optimistic/positive/positivity motto “Live, Laugh, Love”, but at the cost of sheer ignorance, being oblivious, & stupidity? That’s just depressing for me. Is that all there is? That’s it? I wish life could be so much more than this! I just can’t accept that this is all there is! That’s just a cold, boring, & depressing reality! I wish there are more in life than all of this stupid pointless, meaningless bullshit & nonsense everyday for the rest of my life until I die. “Life sucks and then you die”, if that’s the case, then why not just check out early? There are even many stories & cases of the so-called “privileged, spoiled, fortunate, lucky, rich, or even successful” people who died from suicide. So it’s not just “poor, unfortunate, low-class, struggling” people. It’s all random. Some people will live, while some people will die. That’s just how it is. That’s life. And that’s just the reality.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralMy Suicide Note

I’m tired

by fadedobscurity2
written by fadedobscurity2

It seems to go in a bitter, vicious cycle. I take meds. I get better. I run out of meds. I don’t have financial resources to pay for the meds. I find the resources but not before I’ve “detoxed” off of paxil, buspar and doxepin. Not pleasant. Then the cycle starts over. During the time I am “detoxing”, I usually try to call it quits. I push my family further away. I retreat into myself. I haven’t worked outside my house in 3 years. The cycle starts over. I’m tired of this cycle. I want out, I want it to end. I am tormented, and tired of putting on a show. I’m evil. I sold my soul to the devil. Send me to hell.

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Chronic PainGeneralRants

i haven’t been present in my life

by lostcase
written by lostcase

-tw ed- it’s been a long while since ive been even aware of my life, i literally just seem to be floating around.. my eating problems have gone through the roof and body dysmorphia is eating me up.. i cant seem to think beyond my reflection and even when i do other things im just suffocating. i cannot walk without feeling every inch of my body its killing me.. i go from days without food to multiple binging and purging sessions and god i feel so disgusting to purge in public bathrooms. im literally a mess but i go out of my way to hide it making me more of a mess inside. i dont know i genuinely am so endlessly numb that i dont think or feel or function anymore. like im stuck in an imaginary tornado, im just waiting for death because im too numb to even do it myself. i just wish a very stupid wish which i think is so ungrateful.. but i wish to just be thrown over a bridge or stabbed just anything very bad because i deserve that. i want to starve to death but i cant even manage to do that with all the self hate i have im such a fucking failure.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Dance With My Worthlessness

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

I’m someone who likes to draw, to edit pictures (especially of games) and write my own stories. This year something happened and I lost all interest for my hobbies. I’ve recently just started to regain some interest but… It’s like nothing I do, seems great enough.

I’ve also noticed my friends, that I always share it with, being rather uninterested. I’m not sure whether my perception is just ‘wrong’ or it’s really because I’m shit. I keep thinking: What even is the point of doing this.? If I don’t think it’s good and people around me don’t really care, then why do I waste my time.? I could rather just sit on the couch and watch my favorite series a fifth time with a bag of chips.

I’ve had some dark days lately.. You know it’s bad, when you casually throw around that you want to kill yourself or even just put it into a joke. Even when I didn’t do anything important, I’ve always put a lot of meaning into my art. It was always like: Wow, I actually did something with my day. But now.? I just want to be dead. I don’t want to write about depression. I don’t want to draw faces, that aren’t recognizable as living creatures. And I don’t want to edit something not so beautiful, into something beautiful.

The sad part is, my best friend always makes it about her, whenever I feel bad about myself. It’s unbelievable. I can’t even have an argument with her, she keeps saying: “It’s a pity you think like that (about me)” I had to tell her three times in the span of 2 days: IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.! My subtle hints of me being miserable, seem to go unnoticed. So I have to tell it, like it is.

Imagine building a minefield around a person and each time you add one more. And you see that person dancing around it. It’s infuriating, when no one gets my pain. I even told her very raw: “You may think, I’m being so dramatic lately and negative but truth is, even when I tell you so much, there’s just so many things I hold back. Things I do, to feel somewhat okay. And what I really fucking feel inside.”

You want the truth.? I live with myself every day and yet… I can’t even put what I go through into words. Maybe I feel like: Oh, yeah this is actually what everyone does. But it’s not.!!! I have a friend, who has about as much social anxiety as me and she explains her daily struggles and I’m baffled how much those sound like my own fears. Or even quirks, she does, whenever she’s scared or tired or stressed.

I can write complicated characters in my stories, but I’m not able to understand, what is actually wrong with myself. If I’ll ever write a book about my life, don’t buy it. It will suck. Truthfully spoken.

I never say this, but thanks for reading this pathetic post… (I did it again, telling myself, that I’m shit)

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Chronic PainMy Suicide NoteRants

Not sure where to go..

by wittyusernames
written by wittyusernames

I don’t know why I feel like this. I feel worthless. My ex has ruined me, and I cant move past that anytime soon. I can’t do any of my work for school…I’m 3 weeks behind. I just wanna fucking die. My ex just up and left, No explanation no closure. I’m a pathetic excuse of a son and brother, I can’t even do the simple thing of doing my schoolwork, I rarely leave my room and If I do its to grab food/ride around outside. I’m not sure what the point of my writing this is. I plan on writing my note soon. I feel completely abandoned, There’s no one left.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

“I don’t believe in luck! I create my own luck!”. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in life.

by niki
written by niki

A friend of mine used to tweet a phrase that always sticks with me: “Some people are lucky, some people are not.” That was some years ago, and the more I live now, the more I see (& realized/learned) that it’s true. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in their lives. Or in life, for all that matters. I don’t know and I’m not sure if it’s due to the meritocracy thing (“If you work hard, you WILL succeed/reach success!”), or if it’s due to the ‘positive/optimistic’ self-help culture/trend/hype that is literally almost everywhere nowadays, etc etc. But I think it’s very naive, simplistic, & ignorant if people seriously believe that they control ALL and EVERY aspect of their life/lives.

Even the posts here in this website that will get popular & many comments, and other posts that get almost no view/comment or even banned/deleted (even though when they’re really good posts, but sadly just very underrated or underappreciated), it also has the ‘luck’ factor in it. And as a result (or even the fatal consequences), no wonder some people in this website will feel even more alone, unloved, nobody cares, and some of them will probably even decide to be ‘gone forever’ by committing suicide.

But back to the main point again: if you really think much more deeper, you will see that it’s all random (yes, somewhat nihilistic). Some people will win, & some people will lose. Some people will survive & live, while some people will die. I always view our human species just like those little ants: There are billions of them on this planet, and some will get crushed & die, while some other will survive & live. That’s basically our human life too. In fact, it’s ALL lives in this universe. Some will live; Some will die.

Lastly, it’s the same thing with all of us here who are depressed & suicidal. You take a look at all your other friends, family, colleagues, or people, and how they somehow are happy, or even successful, and then you think: “Why I can’t be like that too?”, even though you’ve tried or even work really hard. And then even when you eventually see how some of us in this website can finally recover, cured, healed, & finally lead a normal, happy, & successful life too, it will make you think the same again: “Why I can’t be like them?”.

I don’t know if it’s god, karma, universe, destiny, fate, or just simply pure random chances. But to say that you don’t believe in luck, playing at least SOME aspects/parts in your life, that’s just naive, ignorant, & too simple-minded. People who said that probably haven’t truly ‘open their eyes & wake-up’ to reality.

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Chronic PainGeneralMy Suicide NoteSuicidal Survivors

Just feel like a zombie on auto pilot

by ninjii206
written by ninjii206
  • In feb of this year i cut my radial artery in my wrist. I just lost my best friend my twin flame my guy. Never got to say goodbye or sorry. I have had many suicide atrempts unfortunately but this one amd the one previous should have been the last. I dont remember doing it i just remember holding my arm i realizing it was bad cause it was squirting like in the movies. . My first thought was not to get help it was to proceed to get into the bath tub and let it happen. Not sure how much time passed but i felt myself getting weaker. I could heqr my cousin in other room getting ready for her date. I eneded up calling her into bathroom only cause i couldn’t bear the fact of her finding me hours later in the blood horror ahow in my bathroom. . I received emergency surgery and told the heqd doctor the next day that my other personality that tkes over sometimes did it. Told her me personally the one shes speaking to didnt but i have a new issue on top of my bipolar and they call it dissociative disorder so i kinda blqck out. The hospital released me within 12 hours of major surgery with no counsling or mental health check. Since then i literally have just been coasting by on auto pilot. Not sure how i have kept a job or not burned down my house. I was teying to die and no one person reached out to just be an ear to talk to or a hug when i was at my lowest. Not sure why im posting this. Maybe cause im pretty low tonight and it just hurts to never be seen. I dont want attention but . . Yeah i dont k ow what it is i want or need. I just k ow its not this life
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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

air

by plasticflower
written by plasticflower

i can’t feel anything lately. right now i should be sad, a family member passed away yesterday. but i truly just don’t feel anything. it’s like i’m walking on air

that’s not new though, i’ve been struggling for a few weeks. recently, certain memories regarding childhood trauma have resurfaced, and i don’t know why. again, i’ve been struggling a lot.

i don’t know what i want to say, actually. you know how people sometimes change their personalities slightly depending on who they’re with? lately i had to create a new persona, let’s say. my mom said a few things on different occasions, so i decided to pretend to be the child that she expects me to be; well behaved, never angry, always caring and always responsible. it’s been a few weeks since i’ve had this ‘new personality’ and i’m Exhausted. it’s so annoying but it kind of feels like it’s my job to keep it up.

i’m pretty busy now though. i have to get good grades in all my classes while also managing household chores. at least i have things to do, though my motivation has plummeted a lot, but i manage.

tomorrow is my birthday and, even though i’ve never been a fan of it, i can’t wait for it to be over already. usually people feel obligated to be nice to you on your birthday and kind of when it’s almost the day, they’re all excited and ask you all about it, or at least that’s what i’ve seen my friends do. but i don’t know, even though i don’t want to talk about it, no one’s said anything. actually, my brother had to remind my mom several times because she forgot as she planned random things on that day or whatever. it’s kind of stupid, but i just feel a bit like i’m disappearing little by little. so slowly that not even i can tell that it’s happening.

it’s been a long time since i last actually talked about what’s been on my mind. mostly because no one bothers to ask, but i also just feel like they’d be freaked out. they’re not very nice thoughts after all. i’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately, actually. night after night, even multiple ones per night. that’s also exhausting. my head feels so heavy, i can’t even listen to music with lyrics lately lol.

ah, since i need to document this somewhere, i’ll write it here. a few days ago i actually got to “remember” the year in which something happened. for a while it’s been bothering me that i couldn’t remember at all the dates of certain things from my past. though, now that i know a date, i feel a bit relieved and also a bit frustrated. does my mom remember what happened? does she think i forgot about it? i don’t know, i feel like these are nonsensical thoughts.

my head feels heavy, it’s kind of hard to breathe lately. i feel like i’m thinking too much but i know that i’m actually not thinking at all. my mind is white, and it goes on and on. that doesn’t mean it’s empty though. i’m just waiting for brighter days

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralPoetry & Art

I want to …, okay? Okay.

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

I want to die, the second that I wake up and realize where and who I am. I want to die, checking my zero messages on my phone from my friends. I want to die, listening to a gloomy song on loop, while brushing my teeth. I want to die, when I eat breakfast at 8 pm, even when I have cake in front of me. I want to die, trying to distract myself from this urgent feeling, by watching YouTube.

I want to die, when I crave for coffee and feel short happiness imagining the taste in my mouth. I want to die, standing on the balcony on a cool night, wearing not thick enough clothes. I want to die, finally talking to friends and them being disappointing as fuck, because somewhere in between I’ve imagined, how they are supposed to treat me. I want to die, when I turn off my phone and forget about everyone while I dissociate from my own self.

I want to die, because I think I’m pathetic for being this way and not being able to think ‘happy’. I want to die, while I repeat words like: pathetic, loser, emotional wreck in my mind. I want to die, whenever I made a plan to do something that’s fun and then doing it for five minutes and being upset, that it wasn’t fun as it used to be. I want to die, when I look at the clock to see, how I just wasted another day doing nothing and feeling miserable.

I want to die, when I get tired and am not ready to accept that this day is over yet. I want to die, so I can immediately fall asleep and not be up thinking of silly things that went wrong all my life. There may be seconds I don’t want to die. But that’s not enough to lead a healthy life. Does anybody die daily just like I do.? I’m so done… And I tell everyone that and no one understands, how serious I am.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Depressed little Firework

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

It’s almost 4 am and I woke up twice from the darn fireworks outside, because there’s been a demonstration going on for a few days. This is such a bad idea, to post here, when I’m sleep deprived. But none of my friends are available to talk to, so you guys are all I got right now.

I’ve been having such a hard time, fighting off negativity. I feel like all my energy goes to telling my thoughts to shut the hell up, so in the end there’s nothing left for myself… I honestly don’t think that this is normal. Even when I try my best to blend out & blend in, it won’t let me.! I’m tired of being a pathetic human being, too caring for others, that they forget to care for me.

Oh – one friend just send me a voice message, no thanks… Do they really think I want to hear that at this time, at this moment.? I told them that and now they’ve vanished. Great. Maybe I’m strange, but I dislike voice messages.. Anyone else.? I’ve never send one in my life, I hate the way I sound and it honestly takes up more time for me, than type it out. It takes long, to form the words when I try to say something, writing is just the best and I’m glad I have this option.

I’ve got so much done lately and even just yesterday enjoyed playing the Sims again. I haven’t enjoyed anything really since March this year… And now at 4 am, I just don’t know, where I stand and where I’m supposed to go, after standing still on one spot for so long.

My best friend from America has been working a lot and couldn’t even write me at least one short sentence every now and then. I’ve been trying to be understanding, but they kept on promising me they try harder – over and over again. I’ve stopped sending them messages and as I suspected, there was no word for a while. And when they finally wrote me, I’ve been extremely distant to them. I was honestly disgusted at myself, for acting that way. And it’s more sad, to know, that there’s people that are actually that way on a daily basis.

I just didn’t want to wait anymore, because all I do all my fucking time is wait. I’ve slowly began to talk normally and the second I did, they forgot about me again… They’re being the idiot, yet I’m the one feeling stupid. And now they have vacation and I think, they can have that without me. I’m just so fucking tired… Thank you fireworks, that are supposed to bring joy, to making me overthink these things, when I should be sleeping.

I’ve always hated fireworks.

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Chronic PainMy Suicide Note

I’m going to kill myself

by Xxjuls.annxX
written by Xxjuls.annxX

No matter what you go through in life you always hear, “It will get better”. It didn’t and it won’t. I have no one to turn to and no one who would even care at this point. It’s not that I’ve ruined all of my friendships or I’m particularly mean, I’m just forgettable. I’m the person who will never be the favorite friend but would do anything for the people around me. Even my family I try to impress throughout all the abuse, sexual assault and negligence, I faced as a child I’ve still always tried to strive for their approval. In friendships, betrayal has come a normal but for some reason I can’t seem to get it through my head that they don’t care whether I’m there or not. Almost every relationship I’ve been in ruined due to either cheating, abuse or sexually assault. I’m starting to think it has more to do with me than them.

Lets say for argument sake, “It does get better” I’m not willing to wait anymore. I’ve reached my breaking point and I’m ready to stop the pain. The trauma never goes away whether I’m grieving over my dads passing or anything else I’ve dealt with in my life, it doesn’t get easier for me. I have a plan and I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.

 

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Chronic PainGeneral

5150

by Jhecev
written by Jhecev

Here in California talking about suicide is basically a crime. A 5150 is police code for a person who is a danger to themselves or others. It also states that if someone cannot afford food or housing they are allowed to say they are a danger to themselves. This 5150 gives police a right to drag you away to a place where you cannot leave. It is prison even though they tell you it’s not. You don’t get an arrest record or anything like that though. They might also give you a bunch of medical debt. It could probably be tens of thousands of dollars. When you are actually in prison for a real crime and you become suicidal you are usually punished. They might put you in isolation. I feel all of this is very strange and the opposite of helpful. When I think about economics, I think about how less people means cheaper land and more affordable housing. Put that with the government harassing extremely sad people and you can see the picture I’m painting. They just want you to be a slave all your life and if you’d rather die then you’ll be abused if you can’t follow though with it. I just can’t believe what these poor people experienced here. Other states and countries that are opposite politically act the exact same by the way. I wish people were treated better. Nothing will ever change.

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