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Greedy

by Itscolourlife
written by Itscolourlife

To: Sister with a flower in the head

You are really greedy huh? You have been living well, have many friends, have lovely boyfriend, have your youth life without studying, hang out friends, eating good food, top three doctor college, but still you said you are jealous of me…
You said its not enough and you still need 1% of my happiness. How can you be so cruel as a sister huh? You want to play music like me, you want to be loved by parents like me, like me, like me, like im living with the best live more than yours.
Everyone can see even you can see even you said it yourself. Yes you are better than me. I said it here and there.

Like me you said? Feeling miserable 23 hours a day. Cant find what I want to do. I cant even recognize myself or my hobby anymore. My hobby faded so my happiness. My self love deteroriated. You can see a deep black under my eyes because i cant sleep at all. If you ask me why i cant sleep, its the headache or my ear keep ringing or my eyes like pressed by someone or i cant breathe sometimes or i got sleep paralyze. Sometimes when i finally got to sleep i wake up with miserable feeling. A dream of old memories like a torture. I hate this. I hate that. Ive been living with this for years. Even right now my head hurts like hell writing this. Its like my head going to explode.

If i can trade my life with you i would. I would. Oh i would. I dont need this music talent at all that i hate right now. I dont need my good voice at all that i cant even try to sing anymore. I dont need my dying parents love at all. Dont you see they love you more than me right now. You are succesfull and not like me a trash. I dont need my kind heart that always help people in need and now no one help me. You know it feels so lonely at night at morning at evening at afternoon. Locking myself in my room feel safer because i wont get hurt someone wont get hurt.

You know if reborn did exist i dont want to be reborn. At all. I want to be a void. Leaving this toxic world that even your family cant help. I have no regret leaving this world. Dont worry. Actually I will feel so muchh better. Like a bigggggg biiiiggg stone lifted up from me. Karma does exist and i hope you dont get one.

I still remember that you said depression too when your wedding plan got cancelled because of covid. Yes you sure about it because you are a doctor. If you really have one then why you did all this to me when you see i try to die 2 times and countless of time cutting and choking myself and hitting my head with things. I wonder why you said that to me. To die drinking rat poison. To die as fast as i can. I wonder why you said that. I really wonder why. But you know if maybe you really have one, i hope yours wont get worsen like me. Dont be like me. Its not good or happy at all or once. Its painful really painful.

I dont know what to said anymore. But if you find this web and my diary. Hi its your lil sis. Ive been searching for help for years. Ive been searching for love and hug for years. Do you remember that last time we hug? I dont think so. Be happy sis live well and wlak the flower path. Hey dont cry its okay its all in the past.

Once i said this the past is not a past. The past is what makes me right now. So the past is now. So i dont know. But yeah i know you will move on. Nice to meet you again here.

From : Lil sis with a mushroom in the head

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Chronic PainMy Suicide Note

Waisted Potential.

by JudgeMeNot
written by JudgeMeNot

   It’s simple and I’ve come to accept that my life is a failure. I agree that not every living body has the ability to play this game. “Living” (game of life)

Mentally and physically the older you get the less you can control. What boosts your chances of having success is adopting early to the challenges we typically face has humans. Being social enough to have friends, learn to speak with strangers. Work hard and bring value to share with your family. Express emotions with the opposite sex to love and protect.

Ive took it all for granted.. didnt bother to learn from my mistakes. Continued to drift and bounce between self damages that are now my beliefs. I’m delusional. I’m scared to face my reality. What’s past my bedroom door. Crying from the intense observations of others. Having a mental break down just looking at others converse and laugh, enjoying themselves with others. I sence the world has past me by.. I just dont know when it happened and how long I have been this way.

I have a family I dont deserve because i dont know how to love.

I hate myself because I dont know how to forgive and forget.

I missed my opportunity… to grow. To be someone, who others wouldn’t mind to think and say something positive about.

I’m Less than Dead.

My name is Brody and I will try to build the courage to kill myself.

 

 

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

I’M THE ONE YOU’VE COME TO TALK TO. LEAVE A COMMENT

by OddOneOut
written by OddOneOut

What’s on your mind, bud? Talk to me.
I know you came on this website to see what people have to say, to see if you can leave any comments. And I also know that you want to leave comments on people to help them with the shit they’re going through.

SCREW THAT. THAT’S NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE. YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU NEED HELP, YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO’LL LISTEN.

I WILL LISTEN.

Leave a comment, let’s talk. I’ll listen. No judgement, no problem-solving (unless you want it). I’ll try my best to understand, I’ll try my best to here you until you’re through, and most importantly I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU. Talk to me, leave a comment.

To the admins: I’ve been here since 2012, if memory serves me. I’ve been to some of the deepest, shittiest parts of life and came back fighting with lots of psychedelics, booze, victories and losses. I’ve had an amazing amount of love thrown at me and have recently come back to this site with the intention of helping.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

We die, so liars don’t have to

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

Burden. Inconvenience. Deadweight. Those are the words I’d describe myself as lately. I’ve taken a month break from any contacts to my friends. And guess what.? No one fucking missed me…

I’ve received a ‘hey’ from two people and that was it, they didn’t try again. They simply didn’t notice. They simply didn’t care. It was hard for me, I’m a very affectionate person. I didn’t want to let myself get dragged down by that though. So what, if I’m the person that keeps the contact going right.? Wrong. Super duper wrong.

Just everyone that comes along bails on me, I don’t understand why… I have so much to give, I can always hold a conversation and I’m not someone to let you down. It’s like, the more I give, the more it backfires. Us humans want to save time on many things daily and we invented things to make that possible. But never would I have realized, that they want to save time regarding social interaction.

The top words in today’s conversations are: ‘Uff, Ok, Hey, How R U, Yeh, Cool, Nice, Sup, lol, lmao, g2g’ Wow, I’m just thrilled over these.! Been looking forward to talking to people all day and getting one of these words back. Thanks for carefully picking these out for me, I feel super special. While you’re at it, throw in an ‘Emoji’ too.! Just love them.!!!!!!

Maybe I should give up on keeping friends already. They’re never there and if they are, they bore me to pieces. Is it possible I’m just overlooking the kind people, that are willing to have a nice conversation.? Where are the soulful writers, the clingy folks and those, that aren’t able to work/go to school due to whatever reason.?

I’ve opened up to a person today and she was heartfelt and told me how great I was. And then suddenly she made up some half-assed lie to disappear immediately. And I kept seeing her coming back online. That stings, am I really that bad.? I really felt like she was being genuine and promised that we would be there for each other. I’d have many stories to tell, of the times I’ve encountered assholes. But that would be as thick as a novel.

I keep blaming myself, that maybe I’m just not good enough and should just disappear from everyone’s sight. I already think I’m annoying and pathetic but others are really opening my eyes lately. So maybe I should thank them for making me see the truth. That I should just die. If they can go without me for a month, they won’t care that I’m gone.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

Death gotta be easy, cause life is hard, it’ll leave you physically, emotionally and mentally scarred.

by ineedhelp19
written by ineedhelp19

struggling to keep up in life cause of the vices i caught on during the last few years is making me go insane. my minds a mess, I can’t seem to find peace in anything and sometimes i sob up but don’t have a shoulder to cry on or people to fully express how i feel. I know life is hard but getting through it is even harder, at least for me how am i not supposed to be bothered when there’s literally no tunnel vision. Sometimes i have suicidal thoughts and sometimes i feel like its just a phase I’m going through. I often abused anti depressants and drugs to avoid this but i guess its time i got some help.

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Chronic PainGeneral

Free me

by fadedobscurity2
written by fadedobscurity2

You’re on all sides. Speaking to me. Watching me. Breathing in my ears. I can feel you. I can hear you. You’re telling me I am not worth a shit. I believe you. I am not.  Imminent fear. Impending doom. My heart beating through my chest, the inability to catch my breath. I want out. I am weary of this, I am weary of doctors, I am just weary. The weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I am collapsing. Free me. Through death. Slit my throat, jump from a high bridge to an unforgiving surface below, overdose. Free me. You’re inviting me to freedom through death. I just want out.

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Chronic PainGeneralRants

it never ends

by pinkbaby331
written by pinkbaby331

Every day its the same thing, a deep pain inside of me that pushes me to have no motivation or will to live. It just keeps getting harder. All the people in my town are stuck up and have huge egos. No one ever cares. It is so hard to live in a world where everyone can just betray and ridicule me. I don’t want to be on this planet but I don’t want to be selfish either. No one understands how much they hurt me and they continue to step all over me. One day I will believe things are getting better and be happy im still alive, but then everyday for the next year just pushes me to the edge. Ive been bullied every since I was little and now im just so fucked up I don’t want to deal with it anymore. this one girl from my town posted a video after me and my ex broke up saying “they just broke up, im going to get with him so she wants to kill herself”. everyone just tries to hurt me. I don’t know how I will ever see the good in anything. it is so hard to believe anything that anyone ever tells me because everyone lies and deceits for their own benefit. Everyone has always just used me, whether it be for a ride, some weed, or sex. it just feels so horrible being alive in a world where I have no power even over my emotions. I don’t want to be here anymore, I just make my parents so disappointed because I can’t do anything and I have anxiety attacks all the time. this isn’t what living should feel like. I don’t want to be alone anymore, I just want to go back to where we all came from.

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Chronic PainGeneralRantsSuicidal Survivors

I’m never

by CARLOSPEJUAN
written by CARLOSPEJUAN

I’m looking at this math class the way David saw Goliath… But I don’t have a slingshot. My brain feels like I’m a fucking retard. It doesn’t process math. It cannot get SHIT right. I’m so angry and frustrated at myself for being slow in the head. Fuck my life. I just want to die right now. I’m praying for cancer or a stroke. But the truth is I’m healthy. I fucking hate myself at the moment. I have so much homework to do and so little time. And I can’t even get it right apparently. I’m tired of life’s trials. I just wanted to be successful. Why is it that life punishes me with shortcomings at every mother f-ing step of the way. First depression then ADHD, then schizophrenia and now learning disabilities. Fuck my life dude I’m so angry my head hurts. I’m so sad about it all though. I think I’m going to sleep. Not because I’m tired but because I don’t see the point of trying anymore.

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Chronic PainRants

How do you see your life?

by dampshadows59
written by dampshadows59

How do you see your life? Be honest, not to me, but to yourself. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and just think. These thoughts are something you never have to share, and might alter your viewpoint on the world slightly.  But, maybe not. I’m just curious how we’ve evolved to a world of depression and suicide. For anyone reading this, they have something. Access to a computer, a smart-phone or a tablet what have you. The ability to read English and thus more-than likely write it. For some this is a blessing, a privilege that a majority of the world can’t say they have. My question is, do you see that as a good thing or a bad thing? Do you thrive in the idea that you appreciate what you have, and you hope to use it to better yourself or the world? Or, is it the thing that causes you more pain? Would life be better if we were neanderthals again, no ability to speak or understand the fact that “I’m not good enough.” or “They’re better than me.” Survival was what proved that someone was worth more than others. So why now, in a world where we’re more connected and have access to millions of people across the world do we feel so alone?

Aside from that, one thing I can’t behind is the whole idea that hating everything is just depression. The first experience I had playing a video game, it was a drug. The experience clouding my judgement and views on reality. The first time I made a goal in basketball, or the first time I got an A. It’s like the stimulus dried out, and my brain doesn’t care for the overused feelings anymore. It’s like my body just purely doesn’t want to be happy, and I feel like the chemical imbalance is extremely abnormal. But, is it? With how the world looks now, there are so many suicides and depression is growing. What happened along the evolutionary line to cause us , the most advanced beings in the animal kingdom, to become our greatest weakness? My hatred for everything started small, blooming from the idea that my mom instilled in me. “You don’t HATE anything, you only DISLIKE things.” Pounded into me from a  young age, it’s still imprinted on my skull.

 

I didn’t hate until I felt defeat. I didn’t hate until I was bullied. I didn’t hate until I wasn’t good enough. But with each passing time I admitted it once more, I hate that. It spiraled out of control to a point where I can’t say I even like anything. I hate myself and how I look. The habits I’ve created and choices I’ve made. Did I do this to myself? I feel as though I let this word control me now, like a virus. It’s spread beyond control and honestly beyond cure. Life is miserable except for laughter and for hope. Once you’ve run both of those dry, whats left but the suffering? I feel like now that I’m there, with no hope for myself or the dreams that died long ago that I am here to create laughter. For anyone that’ll listen, and anyone that needs it. What do you do when you feel your only purpose is to help other people not feel the suffering? Do hopes and dreams ever re-build themselves? I’m not so sure, and honestly I can’t be hopeful. On a last note, I’d say memories might be something that keeps us stable. So dwelling on the good times might be a saving grace.

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Chronic PainGeneral

Painless Methods?

by Rosanne
written by Rosanne

I have been ill a very long time.
As time goes by I developed severe brain pain and more. Almost 2 decades. It’s become unbearable. I have no life to speak of. Doctors have been useless.
I am wanting to look at possible alternatives to dying that are not very painful.

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Chronic Pain

I hurt

by fadedobscurity2
written by fadedobscurity2

There are lots of people in this world that are physically worse off than I am physically.  The only positive thing I can say, is I am glad I do not have to endure their pain, and I am sorry they hurt.

I have neuropathy, arthritis throughout my body from my feet( in the words of the Podiatrist “you have more arthritis than a 90 year old”) to my back, degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis in the lumbar and thoracic spine, bulging discs. Back to my feet. I have a subtalar coalition. Fancy words for fused joints. This was not done surgically. This is as a result of other deformities that caused me to walk wrong over many years resulting in the joints fusing together. It hurts like hell.

Most people that know me and my collective issues all say the same thing, “get on disability”. Yeah, well I’ve been trying for 3 years. I am up for a hearing now, but it wont be until January, with a decision not expected for up to 6 months following.

No wonder I am depressed, no wonder I would rather cease to exist than to burden my family any longer.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends Effects

Someone text me or I’ll…

by osamabinchubs
written by osamabinchubs

…Jump. Been in the longest relationship with her my whole life. Even though I’m pretty young, it feels like it’s been forever with her. Funny I never liked people. I counted it off as being anti social or just not being able to put up with people’s shit. It felt cool. I always ditched public outings with”friends” just to hang out with her. Even in the emptiness I find peace.

They always ask me, “why don’t you come around”. I say “I’m busy; I’m busy with her”

‘Who is she?” Man I couldn’t tell them. Well to be fair I didn’t know who “she” was. Did she have a name? Did she like Chinese? How could I Tell them that she’s inexistent?. “She” is lonliness I said to myself. The lonliness that comforts me. The quantum leap into series of depression and crippling anxiety. “Am I worth it?” “Will I ever be good enough?” .  Thoughts like these she put in my head. Making me wanna jump. Pick up the knife she said. So seductively you’d think she studied it. “Hey there’s oncoming traffic, you know what to do”

Will I succumb? Maybe maybe not. Well find out soon enough.

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Chronic Pain

Newbie.

by osamabinchubs
written by osamabinchubs

Man, never wouldve thought for once in my life id be at a family like this. I had it all planned out yknow? . 17 in a couple of months and i feel absolutely shit. I eat and eat to shove down all the pain. It used to work. But now its just diabeties and overweight scares. I need to not feel anything. Ive always womdered how people do that. They completely turn emotions off. Man!.

My first post on here happy to be here?

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsGeneralI Will Survive

I need other peoples’ opinions on this…

by Thorium 232
written by Thorium 232

… because I find it hard to believe that “the world would be much different place without you”

I’m sure many of us have heard this phrase before that we hear people say to others in an attempt to try and prevent them from taking their own life. However, if I was standing on the edge and ready to jump and someone said that to me I’m afraid that it wouldn’t persuade me to not kill myself because I’m pretty sure I would respond with something like: “The World? The World will remain the same. It will continue to spin on its axis. It will continue to revolve around the sun!! HUMANS WILL STILL CONTINUE TO BE CRUEL TO EACH OTHER AND OTHER ANIMALS!!!! People die every day whether by suicide or other means. The world as a whole will still be the same piece of rock, metal, and water drifting around a superheated ball of plasma.” And then I would probably just jump. What scares me is that I have tried to kill myself in the past and I’m afraid that someone saying that to me wouldn’t give me any reassurance if I were in a situation like this again. What I’m trying to say is that saying something like that to someone like me would most likely make things worse because none of us really do matter on the geological or cosmic scale. I know this isn’t anything positive, but what do you think? Is this something that we should continue to say to someone who is suicidal or do you think that we need to say something else to them? Your opinions would really be appreciated.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

A break from ‘friends’

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

Wow, just wow. I’ve been doing better without any friends but it was really hard in the beginning. So after a week I check my messages: 0 Just why do I care so much…? When you’re someone, that has so much affection to give, what the hell do you do.? Seems like, everyone who’s not depressed, is just not much of a friend these days. Oh, to be 16 again and have a bunch of depressed friends and they have so much free time, you could actually form a ball of clay and stick together for forever. Loneliness is no joke…

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsGeneralRantsStories of Loss

Is there even a point?

by Empty Husk
written by Empty Husk

Life has shit on me that its driving me to the point of suicide. Lost my mother just this New Year. Lost my friends because some toxic psychopathic asshat manipulated everyone around me and decided to turn everyone against me. I took out loans to prepare for my fiance’s wedding just this month then 2 weeks later, I find out that shes cheating on me with another guy. As Im typing this, the cheaters are now rubbing it in my face that theyre now together and seeing each other.

Look on the bright side. You people literally have it better than me. At least youre not mocked, made of fun, dont have to suffer, not made into some sort of loser and social pariah who society has decided to chew out and spit out after its been done with it. No amount of empty platitudes like “At least you can eat three times a day” will ever make things all right in my life.

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Chronic Pain

I feel like I’m destined to forever walk this Earth alone with no one to love

by Thorium 232
written by Thorium 232

It seems like every day I wake up questioning whether love will ever find me. Whether I will ever meet someone that I can love romantically. Someone who can love, appreciate and accept who I am even my flaws as I will do the same for them. Or that anyone would ever find me attractive. Every day I can never seem to shake the belief that I am destined to forever walk the earth alone until the day that I die, not knowing what it feels like to have someone love you or what it feels like to love someone. Or maybe it’s that I don’t deserve someone to love, but I don’t know, maybe that’s just my self-hatred talking instead of what I truly believe deep down. Until the day comes that someone comes into my life where I can love them, this feeling will never go away and it feels like it’s eating away at my spirit.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

18 hours of sleep

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

Have you ever kept the seriousness of your mental state to yourself.? Just to finally open up to a person and they’re not being understanding whatsoever.? Yeah, well. That happened to me tonight.

It’s night and I’m miserable. I’ve told my friend, that they have not been there at all, when I needed them to be. And I understand, that they are busy and I’ve been ever so patient. But it only goes so far, you know.? I’ve been feeling extremely lonely lately. I’ve just slept 18 hours straight. I’ve reached out to many people, just to get nothing back in return. Isn’t that already a sign, that I should just STOP.?

My friend hit me with reality, when I was contemplating to end my life… This doesn’t help. This helps no one. It made me feel even worse and I wished, I had just shut up and not said anything. I feel like my emotions have just shut down for today. I don’t understand, what is happening around me, I can only hear a wave inside of me. I’m not really here. And I’m not really anywhere else. I just want it to be done already…

I was so desperate, as to reach out for the first time to a suicide prevention hotline. But I didn’t want to talk on the phone, I wanted to chat with someone. And guess what.? They have appointments for that… Just. What the f@ck.?! You can’t even rely on those people then, good to know.

I’ve layed down on my cold floor, trying to somehow calm down. And two minutes later, a fly kept buzzing next to my ear. I kept trying to make it go away, but it wouldn’t. It’s almost comical.? So I couldn’t even do that. Maybe the fly wanted me to get up and do something else instead. I was just sitting numb in a corner before.

Now I’m watching ‘Life is Strange’. I hope I can just zone out for a few hours. I don’t know what to do anymore… This world makes everyone become so busy, that we forget about each other.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide NoteRants

There’s no getting out, is there?

by Empty Husk
written by Empty Husk

I last visited this site on 2019. My life was a mess because one “friend” in my group is a psychopath and basically manipulated everyone to go against me, harass me online non-stop, isolate me and drive me to suicide by grinding down my reputation and character and saying all sorts of false accusations against me. Basically I was jobless, an outcast, a social recluse, pretty much had my life and reputation destroyed and all I did was mope in bed feeling powerless on not being able to do anything or pursue my dreams anymore. I went to the monastery to escape all this and wanted to isolate myself as some recluse monk free from the real world. I even wanted to leave my girlfriend because it got too much for me handle. Well, all according to plan or so I thought but the person in charge didn’t even let me try monk life and I was out by the 3rd day because they don’t accept “depressed” people. I thought that was the end of it and my life was over but my brother then got me to church and had me in a group. Unbelievably things were turning around as I made a new circle of friends, tried my darndest to forget the past and live life anew. I even got my online job back and was making decent money again to live out my dreams of finally being with my girlfriend as I wanted to marry her and start a new family to forget everything. We even had plans to marry May on 2021. I was hanging by a thread and the only thing holding me together was my gf and soon to be fiance as she was the only one left from my previous life.

Well all according to plan and going good right? Nope! Why that would be way too easy? There’s no way you’re gonna escape this! Why should God or some cosmic force decide I not suffer anymore and screw further with my life? As soon as things are turning okay my mother dies months later as I get my job back. It was devastating to me. I saw how she suffered in the hospital when doctors couldn’t figure out what her disease was so had loads of needles and machines attached to her. Things got so bad that she acquired a hospital pneumonia and had to have tubes inserted down her throat. I saw first hand how she was writhing in pain due to all the needles and machines inserted in her body.

Then 6 months later, I find out my gf’s been cheating with one of her old classmates as they formed a Chat Group on Facebook Messenger with their elementary batchmates. What set red flags for me was her attitude changing and being bitchy/naggy all the time, trying to start arguments over nothing and making issues out of thin air to shit test me. My autistic analytical mind definitely thought something was up and found out she has been cheating by sending lovey dovey messages with one of her classmates. She forgot I had access to her account as we gave each other’s passwords as a sign of each other’s trust and “openness”. Mind you, this former classmate of hers already has a child and impregnated many women out of wedlock already. In short this guy is a fuckboy. Learning the lessons from the past, I didn’t take too kindly on this so I saved as many screenshots as I can and printed 20 copies each and passed them on to her family and friends to make sure I’m not getting screwed again like what my friends did to me. Needless to say she got found out and is too ashamed to talk to me and now avoids me like the plague while blocking the fuckboy in an attempt to “remedy” the situation (she got a mouthful from her parents. They didn’t like the fact that she was cheating with a fuckboy).

Just as life was turning for the better I’m getting screwed again. Those feelings of loneliness, bitterness, sense of being isolated, being alone with no one to love and wanting to just die just to get it over with is creeping back in my mind. In short my friends had a falling out and left me, I am feeling suffocated and isolated, my mother dies in a horrible and excruciating way and found out the fiance which I’m supposed to marry cheated on me through social media messaging apps. What’s the point of going on? My girlfriend was the last thing holding me together but even that has been taken away. It’s as if God or some cosmic force has decided to just shit on me and make me as some personal amusement that my life should suck and that I should suffer no matter what I do. I don’t even want to live anymore. What’s the point of going on? There’s really just no escape once you get in, is there?

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

Ramblings of a madman

by Shadymoon
written by Shadymoon

At this point, the glass isn’t half empty or half full, the glass is shattered and the pieces are embedded deep in my flesh. I have final “insurance” if you will, I’m just waiting for the right time to use it. I’ve practiced over and over. It’s not a matter of if I choose to make my exit, but when. And oddly enough, having a surefire “insurance” policy helps me through the bad moments, the mere knowledge that I can reliably end it when I choose to do so, when the time comes, is almost enough to bring me peace. I’m playing a sick game of seeing just how bad my life can get before I decide to finally pull the plug. How much torture can I endure? How far can everything crash and burn before I abandon ship? What sick and twisted surprise will Life throw at me next? What will be the last straw before Death takes me into her arms? I’ve come very close from natural causes several times the past year and a half, but through sheer bad luck have survived. I wish I hadn’t been taken to the hospital in my dying moments. Ever since the last incident especially, coming so close to death I could practically taste it, it all feels fake. I already peacefully accepted my demise, and for it to be turned around and taken away from me.. Felt wrong. By all means I SHOULD be dead. The past year has felt so fake. Like time I shouldn’t have. I wonder if I could have refused treatment. Why did people have to meddle with my last chance to die naturally? I feel like that was ripped away from me. The chance to die with some dignity and not by my own hand. Had I been untreated for one more day, I wouldn’t be rambling on like this, I wouldn’t be lamenting the missed opportunity to spare my loved ones the pain of my suicide. It would have been so much easier on them. I wish I could tell them how I feel, but I can’t. They wouldn’t understand and would hurt too much. I can’t tell anyone. So here I write the pathetic ramblings of a madman.

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