Chronic Pain

Today I woke up with a stomach ache. Want to know why.? Because the past few days have been a walking nightmare. My government decided on some Covid measures, on which I can’t take the public transportation anymore, even though I rely on it.

I live in a capital city. No, I am not vaccinated, ’cause I don’t trust it yet. In 3 years.? Maybe. (Please, if you have a toxic opinion about that, don’t drag me down even more) I just want that person, who clearly didn’t think about ill or old people who have risks taking it, to suffer. It’s without logic. A few just stayed at home at this point, not going back to their jobs.

Look, I’m suicidal I don’t care if I die, even painfully at this point. Just let me use the freaking train to get to my therapies I so desperately need.! I can not see the world ever getting over this madness. It’s taking a huge toll on my mental health, everyone being so tip-toeing around everyone and everything.

When I’m in pain, I have to wait a month until up to three, until I can see a doctor, because everything is so full. I’m having surgery in January (nothin major) and I had to wait so long for that, seeing my quality of life getting worse.

Then there’s also that I will see my sister in December, whom I haven’t seen in years. But looking at all of this, EVEN IF she makes it here, I can’t even participate in outside activities with them.

I’ve shared my concerns and even that I can’t live this life like this anymore to a friend. She’s someone in a game, but still she always had my back. My rant had been too much for her apparently. After a few days of her ignoring what I’ve said, but talking in public chat, I said: Sorry, I won’t bother you anymore. And nothing came with that either.

Look, I just don’t think that’s what a decent human being does. We all should be there for each other. This has taken my last drop of energy and frankly I am so done, I don’t even know how to start my day. I have what you could call extreme PTSD for when people treat me, like I don’t exist, especially when I reached out for them to help me.

I… I’ve lost a good friend, because the government messed up my few appointments I was still going to. I will never forgive them or my friend. My heart is physically hurting, I had something similar that happened in this exact same game a few years back. It brought back that terrible memory of unkindness. Why is this happening again… I just wanted a trusting soul to listen to my troubles.

I’ve tried to end my life today, it didn’t work. I’m a good eater and had a relatively constant weight for almost a decade now. But I’ve lost 4kg… On what even…?

I said to a friend, that I needed for something to happen today. People don’t listen to the words you’re saying as a depressed/mentally ill/suicidal person. Why, just why does that person get to live a happy and careless life and I’m still contemplating, what I may shouldn’t have said. Why do I need to censor my deep thoughts.? Why do I feel shame, even when I’m not to blame for what happened.? My senses are numbed, but my heart keeps on being heavy like a gold bar. Which is funny, ’cause it’s definitely not made of that.

it sure has been a week. honestly it feels like years have gone by between monday and today, days feel kinda blurred? who knows. my head feels like a cat’s litter box.
food is still kinda difficult; i found my body feels hungry but i have no appetite and honestly not enough energy to actually eat, so there’s that.
at some point this week i found myself crying because for a few days i’d been craving a milkshake, or something like that? but just thinking about having to go downstairs, prepare it, wash the dishes and then drinking it was too much effort, so i gave up on it. even still, i just cried. it took me a bit to figure out why, since a milkshake is a stupid thing to cry about at my age lol. in the end, i figured it was more about the fact that i’m just lonely. somewhat wished someone was there to at least offer to make one for me if i didn’t feel up to it i guess.
i’ve been reading a lot lately. nothing complicated, just enough to distract my mind for hours and hours. while i read, it feels like i don’t actually exist, like i haven’t been laying in bed for days on end, like i have people around. escapism, probably. cannot be bothered to look it up.
just remembered, yes, food’s been an issue. today though i realized my mom’s… not worried about it, it just seems like she’s annoyed. i don’t really get it. either way, kinda forced me to eat today, now everything feels uncomfortable. i don’t know how to explain it, but i keep feeling like i have to move around to be comfortable, yet i’m too lethargic. it feels like i need to throw up. it’s annoying.
tomorrow, another week starts. in preparation, i started to think, what is it that i want to do? what will actually help me to live a more rewarding life? nothing really came to mind. it’s not that i want to die, not really. it’s more like wanting to disappear, if there’s a difference.
when i was younger, i always thought about wanting to get very sick, i wanted to be terminally ill, for some reason. kinda morbid, but i’m letting thoughts roll out right now. then i thought, either i get seriously ill or i’m kidnapped, either one is fine. not sure what the hell was my thought process there, sincerely. probably just thought that, if either of those things happened, people would have no other choice but to pay attention to me. to look at me, and to be with me. i’d daydream about it, i could picture it so vividly, and dreamt about it pretty often. once, my mom dreamt i was very sick, and when she told me in the morning, while hugging me and near tears, i can’t say what i felt. honestly, to this day i don’t know. but i’m sure it wasn’t the right thing to think as a first instinct.
at first, this post was gonna be an update for myself; to keep track of what’s been going on while i spiral into nothingness. i don’t even know what i’m talking about anymore. not even sure if i’m actually typing this for myself or for others to read, at this point.
i talk to myself a lot. apparently more than a lot of people. i could say that i do it at least once a day, but when i stopped to think about it, i’m just constantly having a conversation with myself inside my brain. whenever i’m somewhere i know nobody can hear me, i talk out loud. it’s kinda nice, i think. giving thoughts a less abstract form.
at some point this week, lord knows when, i realized i’m being left behind. or at least, i seem to think i am. factually, i know i’m young. i know life is pretty long, and that it’s not very realistic to expect having my life figured out at this point. still, i’m irrational. my friends (or people i know; at this point, it doesn’t feel like friendship in my mind) have friends, relationships, life partners, and dreams of sorts. they have a future in mind, even if it’s not very thought out. i… don’t really have any of those? at least not defined, at all. friends don’t feel like it, i can’t find in myself any motivation to engage in conversations with them. it’s more that i just can’t seem to keep up with them. they’re all very… hopeful, i guess. feels like a different world from mine. it’s like i stole my body from someone; i look in the mirror and think that i don’t know what i’m supposed to look like, but that’s not it. i feel small. much too small for the age i’m supposed to be.
i find that letting all the thoughts swarming around your brain is very draining. at this point, i’ve typed over 800 words, and yet, i’m still keeping a lot to myself. everything feels quite uncomfortable right now. really, i should be cleaning my cat’s litter box right now.