im a rather fucked up human. my mind is terminally ill; BPD and some other stuff. everyday is more confusing. i dont even know why the only thing i want in life is to die. but that is the only thing i want. im functioning. or rather my shell is, meanwhile my emotions rule us with no control on my end to the point of being different personalities in moods. everything is pointless, nobody can change our mind on that. i understand some things on a incredible level, but cant force thoughts to work through everyday issues. the battles ive fought with myself and those […]
Category:
Chronic Pain
I’ve been suffering from IBS, severe prostate pain, and insomnia from pain off and off for over a year and the pain is starting to come back. I believe these problems are from eating too much sugar and drinking too much booze over the years, probably more from eating poorly. I also have health anxiety disorder, so it’s hard for my parents to believe me but part of the reason I have health anxiety disorder is because I’ve had undiagnosed pain in my youth from this and I’ve only recently put together what it is. I don’t want to kill myself but if my severe […]
The last time I posted on here was back in 2018.. Since then so much has changed. I was in a shitty relationship for 2 years that went to shit, I graduated high school which I thought I never would and I made it past 18 years. I went through hell during the last two years of high school would be an understatement but I am past that now and do not want to relive it. I stopped counting how long I am clean of cutting for and would not be able to give you an estimate. I do rely on other coping mechanisms that […]
This is just my quick summary rant of my wanting to die, yes I know what I’ve written is long and messy but believe me I have left out a lot of details, this really is a summary and I just need to let it out, any comments even if mean are appreciated, I can’t let anyone know what I’m planning so being able to be open like this makes me feel just a tiny bit better
Was diagnosed with depression in middle school, my mother is agoraphobia so since middle school I’ve had to shop for her, take care of her and the house, I […]
I think passively almost daily now…I wish i was dead. There seems to be no purpose for the chronic pain, the high stress of a thankless job, the constant alone-ness even though i am supporting my adult daughter, severely autistic grandson. I am 62 but back, neck and diverticulitis issues , asthma, arthritis make me feel much older. I am trapped by circumstances living in an area i really can’t afford, so my retirement will only last about 4 years no matter when i do that. I have not ideated the concept much, but the thought that my insurance policy payoff now would better be […]
I feel like i have been so manic that my head is going to spilt in half. That my chest will burst open. That my legs will break from pacing around so much. That my heart will give out from how much it hurts. I feel like i am losing my mind. And in the middle of it all, i dissociating from my body. Im watching from the sidelines. And i cant do anything about it. No matter how loud i am acreaming at my self TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND JUST BREATHE
BREATHE YOU FUCKING IDIOT
JUST STOP FUCKING MOVING AROUND […]
I’ve had a chronic pain condition since I was 24 (I’m 42 now), it comes and goes and it’s not horrible most of the time but sometimes it gets so bad I can barely function for months at a time, I’ve lost up to 40lbs in a few months when it happens, the pain is so bad I can barely sleep, to me if I had to live like that all the time it would better to be dead. I’m not religious, though I have studied some eastern religious and I find them fascination, still I have this fear if I kill myself I will […]
I’m 40 years old this year, and I still don’t know what to do, and whether I should continue to live, or just die?
by niki
written by niki
Long story short, my life is a complete failure. It’s full of wrong decisions, (in)actions, regrets, mistakes after mistakes, that I honestly think maybe it’s already too late to “fix everything” (eg: I’m losing all the good chances/opportunities, as I’m getting old now). It’s really ironic & tragic, because a lot of people always say that I’m very talented especially in music (I used to be quite an active musician & composer/songwriter, but sadly I’m still not famous & successful), smart, a deep thinker, a highly sensitive person, etc etc.
I am also an idealist, meaning that I actually have a BIG vision & idea for […]
I think I was just doomed from the start.
This society doesn’t want people like me, it prefers that I’d die. I’m gay and transgender, so I’m already a target for horrible people to take their frustrations out on. I’m too disabled to work, but the government won’t give me Disability. Even if they did, it’s not enough to survive on. I’m not good enough at art, music, or writing to make a living off of it. Streaming is too tiring with my depression and chronic pain. I’ve tried to get a remote job despite my disability, but I’ve only gotten scams. I’m running out of […]
I heard something, that I shouldn’t have. That’s all it took and now I want to rage quit on life. I guess we bury it so deep, that it’s not even visible to us, until someone else reminds us. It’s 4:32 am and I want to self harm. The harm’s already in my head afterall. Why couldn’t I get upset at a more convenient time. Now I have no one to talk to.
I last posted a since-deleted post in January 2022, a post which talked about how a friend hurt me….anyway, I found myself returning to this site this month. Coming back here and lurking made me think of all the years I spent lurking on the Suicide Project before posting.
When I was fourteen, I first found this website, and I’m almost twenty-eight now. You’d think some things would get better as teenage life is much different from adult life, right? Unfortunately, my illnesses prevented me from becoming employed. Now, I spend most of my days at home waiting until something happens that lands me into a […]
When will my body do, what it’s supposed to? Maybe it’s true afterall that the mind makes you ill at some point. No one ever finds anything that’s wrong with me. I’m tired of searching for proof. When will I get better?
I am a honour roll student so the 60% I got on my midterm should feel like the end of the world. Instead it feels just like any other mark I’ve ever gotten. I could watch my whole world crumble around me and it wouldn’t even phase me. It is like things are happening to me or around me and I could do anything and the outcome would be the same each time. I am living in a constant loop of the same events and the same numb feeling I cannot escape from.
Sometimes i feel like i can’t do this anymore. I have a lot of issues, i know but how do they all stem from one point? I have been suffering with weight issues for a long time now, since 4th grade. And i can’t lose it no matter how hard i try. Because of that i compare myself to everyone, like “Look at her, she’s skinny and so beautiful” or “why can’t i look like that?” That comparing of looks and weight turned into me comparing myself to others about intelligence. When i don’t understand something i freak out and beat myself up for not […]
I wish there would be a day when I could openly announce all the shit I do and why, bet my classmates would actually start to realise how painful these things are and apologize for gossips. Don’t judge a book by its cover, really. I may look like the weird kid that does weird shit for the sake of attention, perhaps they think I’m autistic or something? I don’t know but behind all of this pile of shit there is a person begging for help, I want to be seen positively. I can be a nice person, I can be a good friend, I can […]
I am in a lot of pain daily with my arms, back, knees and the pain meds only scratch the surface and then there is the emotional pain. I lost my mum suddenly without warning she was fine and then she collapsed and drop dead while sipping on her cup of tea and they couldn’t save her, she died of heart disease undiagnosed and that’s my fate also because I’ve been diagnosed but the meds for it make me ill and I can barely exercise because of the pain so I think that’s going to be my fate also but I’m okay with that I’ve […]
When I woke up this morning, I knew I have fallen out of reality again. Everything looks, sounds and feels grey. I have gone through at least 10 YouTube videos where 3 are just repeats of the same video. I have watched 1 encouragement video about money, doesn’t sound encouraging to me at this point. It’s like time have just stopped even while I see the water flowing, the people walking, yet the time is static. Everything is beyond my reach, that’s because I am walking through a black and white movie. I can’t remember the feeling that pushes me forward, the goals that I […]
“Who am I?”
I always ask myself.
And whenever I do
Countless of flashbacks races before my eyes
Telling me that I am this and I am that making me feel uncomfortable on my own skin . Confusing me
“Who are you?”
I ask again
But I don’t really know
“Who are you?”
For the third time I ask myself
And I remember how I used to be
Acting differently between people I meet
And for the last time
“Who are you?” I ask
Still, flashbacks
The memories of me being innocent
Memories of me being a monster
And I ask myself again
“Who am I?”
It’s been a rough couple of years when it comes to my love life. Mainly I was broken up with, because he said he was bored. not only that, but months after the break up I found out that he had cheated on me. So that was two and a half years ago, and now I have pushed away any form of love from anyone. If someone likes me I tell them not to just to keep my feelings safe. I know I’m scared of getting hurt again. But like I also don’t want a relationship because I don’t feel anything for anyone. Like I’m […]
Do you ever feel numb ? The feeling when your whole world seems to fall apart right in front of you and there’s nothing you can do about it . The feeling when you’re all choked up and the words just won’t seem to come out , the tears are stuck, , and they strangle you and all you feel is sole numbness and undescribable darkness in you . The feeling when you’re indecisive do you not care anymore ? Or are you just really tired ? Or is this just a phase that will pass ? The feeling when you’re exhausted mentally , physically […]
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