Today, I had to present on an article in class. In short, it was a disaster. The main problem was in that I did not explain the article from the perspective that the teacher expected it to be. It’s not the first time, I have focused on the wrong perspective. It could literally be a feature of my life. I just don’t understand why do I always see things so differently. Like how am I suppose to fit into society?
I think I have lot of complexities about my body and looks . I feel like I’m not the way I like to be . I really worry thinking of it everyday . I like a person …. but I feel like that person doesn’t deserve me …. I feel like I’m not a perfect match for that person …… I understand we must have self love for ourself and shit . But I feel I’m not beautiful in anyway ….. I don’t know what to do to overcome thissssss. I suffer a lot thinking about this ….. I don’t know what to do seriously […]
There is no meaning of life. We just exist, and die. And life goes on, and on, and on. For million, billion of years, etc etc etc.
We are just a speck of dust in the vast universe, in the grand scheme of things.
Of course, 90% (or 99%?) of people (human beings) will always try to find or give ‘meaning/purpose’ in their own insignificant lives, because the reason is simple: it’s survival instinct. Human beings (people) will (usually) try to keep living, keep surviving, no matter what. It’s evolutionary. It’s in human nature.
Even if it means people (humans) will create anything as their toxic positivity […]
I’ve had such bad experiences with therapists. This one was the only one in my city who would take my insurance and was accepting new patients now, not two or three years from now (that is literally the wait list for most of them). When we started early this year, I thought she was going to be good. I told her I’m autistic and sometimes I speak slowly, so I need you to be patient and give me time to process my words. She seemed to understand, and she did that at first.
But lately she’s been interrupting me, talking over me, talking past me… and […]
I have been alive for 9,230 consecutive days. At least what one can call the term, considering I’m breathing, having a heartbeat and I’m capable of forming my own thoughts. An inner life;an outer life;never felt alive-kind of deal. 5,215 days ago, I had made utter peace with mortality. In fact, I couldn’t wait to face it with all that I’ve had.
3,435 days ago, I had found understanding for that kind of thinking and I could move within a hidden space the way, I was supposed to for all my life. Unfortunately for me, everyone grew up. Except… Me. Things, a therapist can’t hear: “I […]
Some thoughts are causing me extreme pain, they won’t go away. I have gained weight, due to medication and I also eat like crazy. It’s gotten out of control, I used to do exercise at home and eat only particular things. I think my bad mentality got me addicted. I have given up a long time ago.
I do maybe know what I am going to study with my 25 years of meaningless existence oh so far. That’s a first for me. But I cannot imagine going out all the time. It’s so stressful for me, because I find myself revolting. I can’t handle any more […]
Y’know many people say that they wanna be popular and how they don’t wanna be alone? well let me tell you something that isn’t commonly said
being popular doesn’t help. having “friends” -real or fake doesn’t matter- doesn’t help. infact it just becomes more of a burden.
especially when you have social anxiety
Lately I have been thinking about “The Butterfly Effect”, If I made the slightest difference in choice a while back would I be somewhere completely different than I am now? If I chose not to do something as simple as pick up a penny one day would everything around me be different? If I didn’t make a tiny choice at some point in my younger years would I live in the same state? Would I be making straight A’s instead of failing? With a small choice I made, did that cause this sequence of events in my life. Because of a few minor things that may have […]
It’s just one of those days to research ways to kms. No one knows how exhausted I am. I’ve hit rock bottom today and it feels as though I’m not going to get up any time soon. The worst is, that my doctor won’t write me up to take time off anymore. Well, I guess that sucks to everybody else. I’m not getting out of the house unless absolutely necessary. I can’t care about anybody’s needs anymore. I’m in a constant goose chase and I have nothing to show for it.
When the pennies are so hard, that they’re crushing you…
I got a whiff of what owning some money feels like and it lessened my depression, because I went out more, to explore and buy a little something for myself. I still wear clothes from when I was 15 years old. (I just turned 25) Social contacts go up as well. A lady from eBay came by my home to drop off a Blu-Ray Player ’cause mine broke, she was nice.
Now my Mom’s going to be in a tough spot money wise and I’m afraid my money will go to the usual survival shit again. I’m […]
I’ve decided on an end date for myself. August 31st. This is the date of the next Blue Moon. Of course the stargazing conditions have to be perfect. Im not sure why I chose this. Maybe its because I want to go out on a beautiful night. I know this time I can’t back out. I won’t. I’m so tired. I love my mom and sister and the one friend I have but I can’t do this anymore. Perhaps I may find a reason to stay by the time the Blue Moon comes around but I highly doubt it. I am trying to keep my […]
If I were near an ocean I would let the tide take me.
Feeling the current pull me under.
The brief suffocating feeling .
The pressure of the water,
Filling my lungs.
No More fighting.
No more struggle.
No more air.
I could use a little weed or maybe some alcohol. its been a lot lately I been taking 2 Benadryl each day two sleep all day at school since im gonna fail anyways. I need a break. It would be nice if I could just pause time for a little while. I keep thinking I am going to try harder and I do for a little while but I just keep going back down. Can’t seem to ever catch up. All I ever do is sleep and work. Some times if I feel like it i’ll play my piano. I don’t play video games like […]
I took like 70 pills over the span of 2 nights. (20 one night and 50 the next). I did extensive research on what does not react well with eachother and how much can kill you. I took like more than that 7 of of each kind. I took Xanax, Oxycodone, 10 of Adderall, Prozac, Lexapro, Percocet, and some others I can’t quit remember the name of them though. So why did some 13 year old get to OD on Benadryl and I was only in the ICU for three days. Im only a few years older than him. He didn’t even […]
I feel kinda off after the talk I’ve had with a psychiatric outpatient clinic. I feel like, she didn’t really understand my limitations on how I struggle with life and what treatment I’d be willing to do. She kept shoving her clinic onto me. I’ve looked at it years back and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it.
To her, a stationary psycho clinic is like vegetating away and not grasping the problem. What the hell, I bet lots of people wouldn’t even consider getting help like that. I don’t wanna be a Debby-Downer but I have the feeling, no one really understands, how […]
Something running down my eyes; my eyes running like an egg yolk. Touched up with fountain pen dots, impersonating black holes. Something behind my eye; twisted spaghetti nerves. Stethoscope-as-a-tie-wearers refused to look for too long; didn’t want to get sucked in. Several moons returned; can of wormholes still opened. It’s working against me; outer monologe turned to inner conundrum. Cylinders with hemispherical ends are the shape of the impaired. Again, who’s absorbing whom? Cut off the midst of the fingers on a rubber glove. Moons start melting like hot wax, just like my eyes. Infinity’s the time of heart, not a natural phenomenon.
I’ve remembered a childhood friend of mine, who’s rather popular on social media.
I didn’t have any contact to any school friends, ever since I deleted my Facebook in 2014. I’m basically a ghost, nobody knows what my life became. I’m so glad about that too, ’cause let me tell you, being bullied even by your so-called friends, does something to your perception on how the world views you.
Adults don’t do that to me anymore. I’m happy, I met people who can look behind someone’s appearance, their disability and sexuality.
But back to my friend. I have watched a video of her, where she explains what she […]
When someone has a simple (singular) problem, usually and logically there will be a simple solution. For example, there’s something in a person’s nose, they’ll sense an itch or tickle and naturally sneeze.
If that doesn’t resolve, they might next try self-help such as over-the-counter medicine.
Eventually, if their remedies fail, they will seek a medical professional, and then the medical care will bring healthy closure. But let’s say it gets worse, first prescriptions fail, then chronic sinus infections, etc. Usually, a doctor’s last resort is surgery—because of the inherent risks and not guaranteed final results. If all fails, then ultimately the health problem will lead to […]
I hate them so much. I know they say they love me but dammit I just want to die. I tried to shoot myself last year but the gun jammed since it was so poorly taken care of. I have a new one and I tried but they locked all the bullets away so I cant just have a quick and nearly painless death. I am so tired. So fucking done. I even tried to write a suicide note, a little letter so they dont blame themselves or anyone else but halfway through I realized that I actually dont care. I dont care what they […]
I have these wounds that can be sealed,
leaving these marks that keep.
But the wounds can never be healed,
They were way too deep.
The confidence I lack,
The damage that has been done,
Trying to fight against the attack,
when I am less than one,
I can’t breath at all.
The version of myself I want but can’t be,
Because I put up a wall,
Helping the self destruct that is me.