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I can’t take this anymore

by PanicRevelation
written by PanicRevelation

I hate myself! I hate myself! Alcohol just keeps enabling me to do the worst shit but its the only thing that takes the edge off. I know im a bad person and its so fucking laughable how im still trying to convince myself im not. I keep scaring people and losing control and lashing out.  I dont even want to be alive but i have to be. I have to be for other people but im just so tired and weak. I wish everyone would just stop clinging on to me so hard and let me go. I dont want to be here anymore and its been that way for a long long time.

Why do i keep doing these things. Please just let me go already so i can die

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Chronic PainGeneralI Will Survive

I wanted to leave this prison of a world more than anything

by Thorium 232
written by Thorium 232

This isn’t a story about how I almost killed myself, but it certainly paved the way for me to experience suicidal thoughts in the future. The fall semester of 2019 for me was by far the most stressful and demoralizing period of my entire academic life up to date. If there was one good thing to come out of it, it’s that I discovered I’ve been dealing with depression and other mental issues for many years now. Never the less, this particular semester caused me to reach my breaking point where I just felt like I wasn’t good enough, that I am completely worthless, that I’m not worth anyone’s time and effort, that I am a burden and a nuisance to everyone around me and that I deserve to be alone forever. One class, in particular, was the most stressful and demoralizing of the four that I was taking that semester because after completing several assignments and doing so well on them, it shattered what little confidence I had left in my ability to excel in two of my other classes. While I did manage to pass the class in the end, this one, in particular, caused me to want to leave this cruel and dark world forever. By that I mean that if I had spaceship capable of interstellar and intergalactic travel and I knew how to fly it, I would have taken it and left this world without hesitation and with no regrets. I felt that if I were to leave this planet no one would care of bat an eye and that would confirm my belief that this world isn’t worth living on anymore or that if people tried to convince me to stay I would tell them directly by saying “you failed to save me and it is far too late for you to try to save me now, but you know what, I have accepted that this world is cruel and I shall no longer be a part of it anymore”.

For a time I wanted this more than anything in the world, to just leave this cruel spec of a prison drifting through space, because if I can leave then I won’t feel small or insignificant. I even considered leaving a video recording that I would broadcast to the world explaining why I left this world and why I abandoned humanity as a whole, never to return. As well as mentioning that I doubt this video would even have any effect whatsoever on the world as a whole. It wasn’t until early January of 2020 this year that I realized how many people would have left behind if I could do so. It was then that I realized I would have left behind so many friends and family who loved me dearly and that I would have broken their hearts to learn that I had left this world completely with no intention of ever returning. This may not be my attempted suicide story, but it paved the way for the time that I would attempt to take my own life, so to anyone reading this that is dealing with suicidal thoughts, know that you are not alone in this world and that there are people who would miss you dearly if you were to die. I won’t lie, this world is cruel and I think the problem is that far to often we don’t pay enough attention to the light in this world and way pay too much attention to all of its dark aspects. Know that this world is worth living in and that there will always be people who will love and value you forever, even if it’s hard to see.

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Chronic PainGeneralRants

Site visitor for 5 years, this is my first post.

by ceasetoexist
written by ceasetoexist

I want to start off by saying I’ve been coming on this site for 5 years now and reading all your stories and finding comfort in them. I haven’t had the urge to make an account and speak my truth till now. I feel extremely defeated by life. I am 24 and I’m ready to go.  I’ve struggled with mental illness for about 13 years now and it progressively gets worse as I get older. I believe it all stemmed when I was 5, I was raped by a family remember repeatedly for 2 years. I was very young but I knew what was happening was wrong , I told my mom and she didn’t believe me. Everyone in my family thought I was lying. At school I passed a note telling someone what happened to me and I remember getting suspended for it. Nothing was ever done about it. So as I grew older I’ve always had self esteem issues and been in and out of mental hospitals. I have tried all kinds of medicine and different doctors even did some bullshit hypnosis because I have literally tried everything under the sun. I asked for a lobotomy and apparently I don’t qualify because I don’t take the anti psychotics they give me. I don’t take them because they sedate me and make me feel so apathetic when really I’m a very caring emotional person. My self esteem issues have put me in relationships with men who could careless about me. I’m always getting cheated on or left for someone else. This destroys me and just makes me think what the hell is wrong with me. Why does everyone leave ? Why am I never good enough ? So I thought I found someone who truly loved me. We were together 3 years (yeah not a lot to some people) and I had two miscarriages with this person. He never showed up to the hospital when I was having neither of them, he also left me for another woman while I was pregnant with the second baby. This destroyed me of course and I got extremely low and sick and my baby also ended up passing away at 11 weeks. I come to find I have a gene mutation called MTHFR (yeah I’m not joking that’s the acronym) that is the cause to my miscarriages and mental and physical illnesses. The doctor told me I’m basically going infertile and it will be extremely hard for me to ever have a kid. As a woman, it has devastated me and thrown me into a dark hole. Not that women are only here to procreate but me, I, have always wanted to be a mother. When I heard that I shut down and started experiencing depersonalization and agoraphobia where I didn’t leave my house for 8 months. I grew extremely scared of people and my own psych. I began to force myself to leave the house one week and I met somebody. An older man, 23 years my senior. He of course does not look his age so I began speaking to him and he just made me feel so good about myself like no one has before. We began to date shortly after that, he was amazing. He began to change later on becoming verbally abusive and even physically abusive one time, I still adored him with all my being. I’ve been seeing him about a year and a half now but have recently caught him seeing another woman. I am destroyed. It has happened once again, I am never enough for someone no matter what I do. I’m afraid it’s just going to be a continuous cycle my whole life. Just going to attract people who don’t ever truly love me and I’m never going to have the kids I’ve always wanted. Not only do I want to die because of this but I’ve been  currently homeless and jobless for 2 months thanks to this pandemic. I just see no silver lining coming anytime soon and I believe it’s my time to go. If you have gotten this far into my post, I greatly appreciate you for reading and giving it your attention. I simply had to let it all out in writing once and for all.

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Chronic PainMy Suicide NoteStories of Loss

Infinite Regret

by EmbalmedHeart
written by EmbalmedHeart

There are so many events that stain the soul,

That create a mental prison of infinite pain and remorse, a chasm in my mind deeper than Mariana’s trench.

How does one undo their own terrified actions wrought with the confusion of age and inappropriate exposure?

How does one reconcile all the feelings of self hatred for things they don’t understand and didn’t.

How do you live with yourself even though you attempt to define your moral compass with the utmost ethos possible.

How do you live with yourself?

How do you ever come to accept yourself as a person with any value whatsoever with a past that burns like a million fire ants all biting simultaneously. That sting when you breathe, that cannot be fixed by self harm,

That drives you to take your life because if ever you could hurt anyone you don’t deserve to live. Where you refuse to waste others money on your own confinement because taxation could be better spent on roads, on medication for the poor. How could one ever be so fucking selfish that they deserve the world taking care of them if they are so corrupt they don’t deserve the automatic rhythm of their own heart beat.

When the depths of hell have buried them into ones mind, it feels as though light is impossible. It feels as though the regret is an undertow drowning you, consuming you, pushing you to take your own life not for fear of punishment but rather because it becomes a preponderance of how one can want to dedicate their existence to helping others and yet have ever possibly hurt anyone. How any pain ever can never be let go of through a myriad of examinations of conscience. To preserve such duality is insanity.

To preserve such contradiction is madness.

You wait and wallow in the ashes,

You sit waiting and begging G-D every day to strike you down by lightning for you feel you are unworthy of even his love.

It is as if my insides and memories are leperous boils that fuck up all that you care about. And you’d gladly drink bleach, or hemlock or arsenic because you’d find it completely unkind to waste the world’s time. How can you live when you feel like even your own shadow hates you too.

So long ago there was a moment of perfection as the mind evolved to a point of defining morality. And you seek every day of your life to be a protector, a savior, a hero. To slay the demons that torment your mind every waking second and fill each breath with an abundance of fiberglass, and slowly you suffocate. And slowly you feel yourself dying tormented by things you can’t change, and regrets you can’t fix. And you stand on the ledge and you calculate your terminal velocity and absolute maxima force and try to decide from that ledge if you can promise it ends.

That it is instant. That your suffering lasts a femtasecond.

That the last time you were ever to relive another horror that no matter how long you live you can never forgive or forget or move forth from your past.

You wish

you wish you had the fucking balls to jump.

You wish you had the fucking bravery required to end it all. And then you think about the people it would hurt.

Those you care most about in the world and you remember the 7th circle of hell is full of suicides. And for a moment your antipathy of self peaks at zenith.

And you feel so dead inside that the jump would be redundant. And you cry. Because it feels there’s nothing left on earth to console your sadness. That a doctors pill is a bandaid on a broken spinal cord. And you ask yourself why couldn’t you have been smart enough to know better. Why couldn’t you have just understood and known. And it makes you hate yourself a million times more for being so fucking socially retarded. And you just want it to be over. You beg G-D. You pray. You pray for others. You feel so broken that you just want the world to end your life for you. That you would lie down gladly like they did at Babi Yar. And accept the bullet to the head.

All copyrights reserved not my image I claim no ownership of this image under the millennial act.

7th Circle, wood cut, based on Dante’s inferno

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Chronic PainGeneralRantsStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

I’m not in Hell, I feel it

by Todamnbad
written by Todamnbad

Arthritis is one hell of a injury. I have had two finger surgeries if anyone has read my posts through out the community. It delivers a shockwave of pain through your nervous system. I have freak injuries. One day I woke up, nothing unusual happened, but when I woke, I was in a tremendous amount of eye pain. I lost bottom muscle of your eye, which is suppose to hold eye in your place but now it sits on top of the bone socket, and hurts like a living hell. I saw two eye doctors, no big specialist, they count diagnose me. I know for a fact I have osteoarthritis in both my fingers from the in juries and surgeries. I have had hand tremors before as the pain overwhelmed my body. I have something to fibro fog, where you can’t even think or focus, because all your mind is feel absolute pain. I’m unfortunately one of those people who had a failed suicide attempt that worse their life. One of the fears people do have on this site. If you know you can’t follow through, don’t make your life more miserable. I slit my wrist pretty deep, trying to find that artery. I stopped and cried for help, which is what most people are looking for, not death. That has cost me more pain in that wrist as I did need like 5-6 stitches. My latest injury, because life will never whooping my @$$. I had a freak accident, I was carrying a laundry basket full of heavy shit, I carried it leaning against me above my knees because its an easy carry. I some how flexed my knee cap and smashed it up against the bottom of the heavy box. Talk smashing your knee is freaking painful as hell. My life is hell. Thats the only I can desrcibe it anymore. Pain has robbed me from every living a normal life. I thought I was going to escape my childhood of abuse to live happy and normal. Boy I was wrong, stupid injuries after injury. Now, I feel like a crippled, the amount of suffering and agony I’m in, is beyond words. I think about death and suicide everyday. For me, this a result of, I can’t my life back. I can’t go back to work and feel normal. I can’t socialize and feel normal. I have scars now, that won’t ever heal. One of my favorite analogy of pain. A man takes an axe and swings at the tree. The man will grab wood off its limbs and return to his life. The tree remembers forever. You can’t forget pain, that will never leave. Time can’t heal wounds when the scars will never heal and ultimately, you can’t forget and move on from something, if your body can’t forget. If my life ever gets worse, I have to die. There’s times, where life gets so miserable, suicide is reasonably a solution, if you’re terminally ill. I feel that way, yeah my scars wont kill me, they sure as hell make me wish I was. What doesn’t kill you, doesn’t make you stronger, it makes you wish you were dead.

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Chronic PainGeneral

Jumping Vs. Gun

by Drewski
written by Drewski

Jumping has it’s allure to me. I’m even over the time spent in freefall and have probably overcome the survival instinct all together frankly.

The gun though, there’s something about the gun and it’s finality that I’m drawn closer to at this point.

The gun exit can be recorded if needed. The jump is pretty public.

I’m just looking for general feedback.

 

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide Note

Targeted with mind control technologies

by Drewski
written by Drewski

Apparently I have been placed in a suicide program of some sort.

It began years ago but kind of ebbed and flowed over time but came to a dramatic and sudden head more recently, where acoustic audio and psychological torture weapons are being used on me, the same kind you hear about the military using on foreign soil.

I’ve realized I don’t have much power in the situation and the ‘perpetrators’ even offer an ‘assist’ in the suicide. Meaning, they are able to pull the trigger for you, remotely. They have demonstrated this for me. I guess that helps with some of the remaining troubles I would have had in this program.

Anyway, my question is about the note. Should the note imply that I ‘wasn’t in my right frame of mind’ to ease the survivors or should I point toward these targeting programs or should I just not leave one at all?

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveStories of Hope

On the Search for Meaning

by Sbilko
written by Sbilko

I found this person: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viktor_Frankl

 

He specialized in the psychology of depression and suicide; his project managed that not even one more student (of the widespread student suicide in Vienna) commit it during that year. He wrote on the meaning of life and humanity’s attempts to answer the question:

 

https://www.amazon.com/Viktor-E.-Frankl/e/B000APVZJU?ref_=dbs_p_ebk_r00_abau_000000 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Unconscious_God
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man%27s_Search_for_Meaning

 

Surely this will prove invaluably useful!! I myself searched for meaning for 3 years; and I found that the question “What is the meaning of life?” to be faulty, but in the process I found the answer to all I need.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsGeneralI Will SurviveStories of HopeSuicidal Survivors

Pour yourself a drink and get your shit together

by Bettyblossom
written by Bettyblossom

3 years ago, when I was 16, I was searching for a way out. Anything that would distract me from the gritty, overbearing teenage angst and depression that was engulfing me. I found this site. I would spend hours scrolling through the posts of strangers going through identical things to myself. It was a safe space for me. Because I had no one. In a toxic household with a toxic family, I’d dropped out of the school I’d started the year at. I started online school. Things were easier but I got to spend a lot more time in my head and my room and there came a point in which I stopped coming out. For days. And then weeks. And then months. And then a couple of years. On a different account, that I lost the password for, I posted a suicide note. And on my 17th birthday I took 20 pills. I stumbled into my house and my parents found out but I couldn’t throw them up. I recovered. At a price. I developed an anxiety so severe I couldn’t eat, it got to the point where i ate once a day, if that, and lost a shit ton of weight over the summer. After that, I felt like everyone wanted me. Boys looked at me more and I felt desired so I kept the weight off, plus it’s hard to gain weight back, i pushed forward, though on a path of self destruction. I whored myself, gave myself away for free, got drunk every night, I tore myself apart from the inside out. Ate myself alive. To try to shut my mind off. Then I got pregnant. With my abusive exes baby. I got an abortion. That did a great deal of emotional trauma. I got a new boyfriend. I’ve had him for almost a year now. I’ve had a few decent jobs, I began trying to live, because just getting out of bed and putting makeup on and talking to someone other than my computer screen was a huge step. My mind is still in a scary place, but I’m growing, I’m breathing, I’m meditating and evolving spiritually, Im slowly getting my shit together. If you’re reading this and relate to any of it, this is a sign. Pour yourself a drink, put your favorite outfit on, do your hair and pull your shit together. You’re a part of everything, and everything is a part of you.

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Chronic PainGeneralMy Suicide Note

Ok, enough.

by 15andfuckedup
written by 15andfuckedup

I feel like something’s eating up my brain. It’s like it has created a deep hole inside my soul. It is controlling me and my life. Sometimes, it tells me to hurt myself by my own hands while some other times, it tells me to hurt people who’ve hurt me. It just is so confusing that my mind is choked badly. I’ve lost my ability to think. And even slowly, but I’m losing myself upto an extent that I may die now. I want to die now. It has became my only wish – to die. It’s pinching and punching me. It is making me aware of parts of me that I never even knew, existed, those hidden dark mysterious parts of my empty yet peaceful soul. And I, too, like a fool, am letting it do whatever it wants to do with me because no matter how hard I try to oppose it, it won’t stop. It isn’t stopping. I’ve started to feel that there’s no sense trying because in the end, I’m definitely gonna lose. But then, that’s the whole point about trying because brave are the people who die trying. But what am I doing? Losing hope is all I can think about along with the fact that hope is something that wasn’t made for me. The irony here is that even darkness was not made for me because the creator must’ve been too scared to make anything for me and my empty soul. That is why, I wonder how come has this thing stuck with me if nothing was made for me, ever. I might sound like I am in total despair but I don’t think this thing, that has settled in my mind and is so busy twisting and hurting me, is bearable. Now, tell me what I’m supposed to do except for falling on my knees (I’m not begging it to leave me) and surrendering to it. And even the creator won’t know what this thing would do to me once I’ve surrendered. So if someday, someone asks you, why I did what I’m going to, just tell them (don’t overthink this because you’d never get a single answer) that I had no choice but to let myself go.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

“Life is a gift! Live, laugh, love! You only live once (YOLO)! Thank God! Life is beautiful!” etc etc. Well, not really. Wake up and open your eyes to reality.

by niki
written by niki

Only those people who are lucky & fortunate in life who can loudly say that life is a gift. The reality is, not everyone is fortunate. In fact, most people on this planet live in pain & sufferings just barely enough to survive. And then, even if people live in the first-world developed countries like in U.S or Europe for example, there are ironically still people who are depressed, and even suicidal/commit suicide. If life is a gift, like most people nowadays keep saying, then why all those reality exist? The only answer I can think of is: it is human’s nature perhaps for (most) human beings to always want to keep surviving (the survival mechanism), and therefore, they need the optimism bias (especially the most prevalent today with all those motivational & self-help industry); even if it’s at the cost of ignorance (“Ignorance is bliss”), simple-mindedness, naivety, being oblivious, selfish, shallow, superficial, and lacking empathy (in deep way), and honestly speaking, stupidity.

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Chronic PainRants

The meaningless walk

by dampshadows59
written by dampshadows59

I don’t frequent these feelings often, but when I do I’m scared. I get lost in the thought of hating everything I am. No faith for change, for adaptation. I wake up the same each day, my mindset doesn’t change. My energy comes sporadically, periodically through the day I’ll find small bursts of motivation. I know at the rate I’m going, I’ll be nothing. I’ll be nobody. Yet, with this knowledge, I still can’t get out of bed in the mornings. I don’t have the energy to brush my teeth, or take a shower. The dirt clothes have been piling up for over a month. I know I don’t want to be what I’m becoming, but I can’t change it. Why? I’m so scared, and I don’t know how to change.

As I grow older my mindset dips further as I start to get comfortable with the blurry reality. I work long hours doing something I hate. I take days off as much as possible to play video games that I don’t enjoy, even though I need the money. I chase a dream that died years ago. I’m stuck behind a wall of depression and fear. I hate being alive, but I’m afraid of death. I’m scared of what people will say, or what they’ll feel. I don’t want anyone to blame themselves if I ever hurt myself.

 

I take melatonin every night, but drink energy drinks in the day. I don’t need either of them, but they’re an excuse for myself to believe that I’m actually doing something in my life. I feel like if I need an outside source of energy, I’m exerting myself enough each day. And if I need to sleep, I have something important each morning. I’ve put my whole life into something that I’ll never be good enough for, so when is it a good time to give up? To stop believing in childish dreams? I’m turning twenty-three soon. My dream has been out of reach for four or five years now. Yet, I still want it more than anything. I can’t help but cry sometimes for little reason other than the fact that I’m not good enough.

 

Im not sure what my purpose is anymore, or if I even have one. All I know is I’m empty, I hate the feeling. I know I won’t be able to keep pushing when I have nothing left to give. So I’m scared to admit I think I’ll be nothing, because does that mean I’ll give up? That one day, I might not be so scared of death? If I’m not afraid of it, will I embrace it? I’m not so sure, but I assume I’ll be fine. Maybe I’ll update here again if I keep sane for a few more months.

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Chronic PainGeneral

coward

by Been Here Too Long
written by Been Here Too Long

Everyone wants it both ways.  I’ve fucking destroyed myself to give the people I care about everything, even when it crosses my boundaries, even when it fucking killed me.  What the hell am I supposed to do?  I fucking drop anything, and I mean nothing to anyone I care about, and that will kill me worse.  I try to do everything and that kills me, too.  It’s not like I have any direction on my own, so why shouldn’t I drop everything to wholly serve those I care about?  What the hell else would I do?  I have nothing going for me; I’m fucking pathetic.  If I pull out of the relationships I care about most, I have nothing.  I will rot, and I won’t care enough to get myself back up.  If I don’t, I wear myself down to a worthless nothing.

I’m a coward, so I’ll let life play out and destroy me as it chooses to.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsGeneralRants

It’s been a while :3

by HauntedDoritos
written by HauntedDoritos

I’ve always thought of this place as a place for people who are diagnosed. I guess that’s why I never felt like I should write here. Now I’m pretty sure I need some kind of help because I saw that I actually have written entries here.

Schoolwork overwhelms me + Im @ my parents

Started abusing some meds that lay round at my house, e.g. zolpidem, which is horrible, I’m just wobbling round the house all day. Wish I could find somewhere more xanny but I popped them all. All of this is probably because of the ecstasy I took like 3-4 weeks ago (1st time doing them). They were the shit. So now I can’t bear being straight and steal random old pills lol rip

Anyways, there’s always this chronic feeling of “I cant really enjoy things that much”. How do you battle that? Games dont work, music too. I can get into someting for some time, but, eventually, that “passion” goes down anyway.

The problem is that I’m functional. I can do stuff for school well and shit, I can – get up in the morning

Idk I’m growing tired so Ill stop here, c ya round……..

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Chronic PainRants

this body means nothing to me at all

by nodira
written by nodira

i drive away the people i love. they lose interest. i destroy myself. all i feel is pain all the time and when i’m happy its naive because it never lasts. ill never last in this world. im 18 now, but i feel like a child still. i cant manage responsibility. i let people down. they’re sick of me. i’m a waste. i build myself up just to crash and burn in the worst way at the very last second. and this fucking pain, why do i hurt so much? i’ve tried so many medications, they don’t seem to work. my intrusive thoughts come, and now with even more intensity. i thought i’d gotten better, that i’d improved, but the truth is i’ve remained the exact same. instead, i’ve just distracted myself with going out and wasting time with “friends” who don’t care for me at all. and now my girlfriend is being weird and ignoring me even though shes active and posting and when i try to confront her shes all defensive and then ignores me even harder and my fucking OCD won’t let me stop thinking for a second. i have to remind myself that she loves me, even though it doesn’t seem that way. i thought i’d finally get valued when i got into this relationship, but the truth is, just like everything else, relationships are temporary highs. everyone will let you down and you will let them down. being alone is what i need to do. i need to shut off my emotions. i need to be a machine. this fucking body is a shell. this body means nothing to me at all.

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Chronic PainGeneral

Advice plz

by chronic Pain
written by chronic Pain

I suffer from chronic pain with the carina virus out break I’m unable to get medication. I have 2 weeks to decide. I can’t find anything that’s sure an painless. I was thinking of trying to o.d but I’m in too much pain to move. Im desperate an suffering intensliy with physical pain.  flnfrmabove7@ yahoo.com

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Chronic PainGeneralRantsSuicidal Survivors

Finding a reason

by disorientedlies
written by disorientedlies

A couple of years ago I had many attempts of suicide, since then I’ve been trying to get help. Everything gets in the way, stopping me from helping myself. I try and find reasons to start over new or someone for that matter. Now I feel numb and without a single care.

In our household music is everything. I push myself every night to add more and more hours onto my piano practice, until my hands cramp and I can’t play any longer. I sometimes get really angry where I pull at my hair and make my skin bleed, usually screaming my head off, there is no control when this happens. I feel my body get red and boiling rage just sets me off, usually when something like this happens its pent up anger from continued fights with loved ones or non stop drama.

My mum found my old ropes in the hardest to reach place of my closet, who knows the reason for her to be there. That day was filled with many different attempts. The rope had been ready. I had doubts that it would work, the rope was already too thin making it possible to snap from above me. Although I had my other ways. This day had been planned out for months, thinking about it everyday, let me have some sort of relief, knowing that nothing really matters anyway if I’m going to kill myself, so why should I commit to plans and goals? No one is home. I live close to the shops, so I walked down with minimal change in my pocket. I entered the news agency purchasing rubber bands. I and ropes from somewhere else. I can just picture the look on my face when going up to the counter, I wonder if the man had any clue at all. That day was scorching hot, the walk back seemed more tiring then going down. I had my blades, ropes, bag, rubber bands. I guess you’re probably wondering why I didn’t just take pills. I’ve thought this through many times and always come to the same conclusion. My mum takes very strong pills for her, which I wont name. I knew that would be too easy. The amount of times I thought of downing those pills are insane. I love my mum so much and wouldn’t want her to get caught in any trouble for my actions, she would think “if only I hid those pills”. The bag was my last option. This was my first attempt, I had no idea what I was doing, I just wanted to die at that very minute. I self harm, and when I don’t self harm, I think about it. I search numerous articles while sitting on the toilet, pressing bloody tissue to my already scarred skin. I have never cried or flinched really from the pain. I get frustrated for having to hold the tissue, until the bleeding stops. As you’ve probably guessed I’m quite impatient.

I have a scar from that day, the inside of my wrist where you can hear your heartbeat. I used to be able to see the reflection of my own skin, and just stare. Sometimes I get ashamed of my skin or even disgusted. I dreamt of having a future sometimes, but other times I thought that it wasn’t even an option.

I hear the door slam, and I feel all the colour from my face sinks. I’m in my bathroom with bloody tissues that covered the floor. Mum comes in my room and calls out to me. I do my best to cover the scene. One arm foolishly behind me.

I had an interesting childhood… I bet if I told you some of it you wouldn’t believe me. To this day I’m suicidal everyday, but always finding a reason to not go through with it. I have used pills before, but not the kind you’re thinking (Paracetamol). That was the worst throwing up experience I have ever had. Taking 12/13 at once was bound to not stay down. Failing miserably again.

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Life sucks and then you die

by niki
written by niki

Some people are lucky; Some people are not.
The more you learn about this world and society, the more you will realize that Life is random (chances), and yes, Life is not fair. Reality is depressing.

Most people who still always keep saying that “if you work hard, you will be successful!” are naive, ignorant, and simple-minded typical “optimistic/positive/happy-go-lucky” people you always see everywhere. And even for those people who realized it and therefore said that what’s important is to “work smart”, it also usually often means to be sly, cunning, opportunistic bastards who are too often selfish, pricks, ruthless, cold, heartless, and only care about certain shallow things like money, profits, power, position. And sadly often for the vain reasons.

There are often far too many challenges, obstacles, and also bad people who lurk just around the dark corners to eat you up, use you, trick you, manipulate you, etc etc you just name it. That’s why usually the truly good people, and the genuinely smart, wise, and idealistic, visionary type of people who have truly great and noble ideas for the progress of the world are often crushed, and losing out to the selfish, vain bastards and pricks of the world and society that I’ve just mentioned above. No wonder there are many stressful, sad, depressed, and suicidal people all around the world/planet.

This world is a shithole. Humanity is sadly not that great. Life is often disappointing. Society is sick. Existence is (mostly) just a meaningless, stupid, and pointless pain and sufferings until you die.

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