For non-suicidal topics that are fun, entertaining or informative.
I feel incredibly alone and if you too we can talk
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For non-suicidal topics that are fun, entertaining or informative.
I found this person: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viktor_Frankl
He specialized in the psychology of depression and suicide; his project managed that not even one more student (of the widespread student suicide in Vienna) commit it during that year. He wrote on the meaning of life and humanity’s attempts to answer the question:
Surely this will prove invaluably useful!! I myself searched for meaning for 3 years; and I found that the question “What is the meaning of life?” to be faulty, but in the process I found the answer to all I need.
Most people who die are emotional about it. I’m not. I give zero fucks. I’m not confused, I don’t need therapy to help me “figure it out” because I already fucking know. It aint rocket science, shit is simple.
I hate the fucking Suburbs, first off. I was not supposed to be born in this hellhole where fuck all happens. I belonged in the fucking city actually growing myself. But instead I just got the same houses over and over and over and the only time I’d see the real world was for a night on the town. Everyone here is the same. Nobody talks like they do on the streets, when you in the suburbs and you pass someone else the only thing to be said is “I’m white, I’m rich, And everything is okay” and keep fucking walking. It’s so fucking boring and I’d be okay with it if I hadn’t had my mind opened up by my experiences but I’ll get there don’t you fucking worry *****.
I always thought my dad was just the hardest worker ever. He got angry a lot at me, usually because I would just mess up and make mistakes at first. Then I embraced it. Got into fights. Fucked around in class. Teachers thought I had a disorder. But deep down I wanted to work hard, because my dad was never home, he was always working, either running his big business or winning poker games and investments to double that money. Then senior year rolls around and we move houses, down south, from one suburb to the next. Why did we move? My dad said it was because since I was off for college there was no reason for us to have such a big house. Made sense. But then came the truth about all that fucking “hard work” that inspired me to want to fix my family through my own hard work, try really fucking hard to make my dad less angry and my mom happy and my siblings fucking show some god damn respect before I snapped and just chokeslammed them both. But no. We did not move in order to help support me in college. We got enough fucking money. We’re rich and white. More on that next paragraph. We moved so my dad could be closer to us while living just one neighborhood over with his side *****. He’s been living SOMEWHERE ELSE for fucking decades and never told anyone but my mom, who I guess was okay with it. Apparently it was her idea. Its a long ass story I aint going there. Anyways then I started asking questions. Questions like “who is this *****? why do I gotta act like she’s my mom? why is he happy with her? why do I gotta spend 8 hours a day in a different house in which I don’t feel fucking safe? why does my dad care if I work hard if he’s separated himself from me in this way? why would my mom okay this instead of trying to solve the issues between her and my dad?” and the most important question of all: “what is the fucking point of my life now?” I failed in what I set out to do in fucking middle school. I will now forever go down as the scrawny white fucker who got mad all the time.
I don’t deserve to live. I’m a terrible person. I couldn’t make friends so I’d get into fights. I’d chase bitches around but only because other guys did it. Turns out, I like other guys. But the guy I liked doesn’t like me back and my dad thinks gay people are mentally ill so good luck dealing with it. And to top it all off, according to every news station I turn on, I’m the problem with America. Entitled, rich, white. Never mind the fact that I didn’t do half the shit they want me to make an apology for, but apparently the solution to the world is my ass dying. All I ever wanted to do was make other people happy, and lemme tell ya, I’m gonna make a lot of people happy doing 40 front flips as I fall on November 8th, after I put a vote in for Donald Trump, not because I agree with him but because maybe if he wins I’ll get the satisfaction of watching the news anchors that hate me so much ***** on television one last time before I die. I’m tired of being treated like shit, like I’ve never struggled, like I don’t have an identity other than evil or bad or untalented. My life philosophy has been simple from the start: shit happens. And man, currently, this is some shit that is happening aint it? Whole world’s at war with eachother, and I could care less. I’m only here to do what I SET OUT TO DO. Not some fucking politician or interest group. And what I wanted to do is a failure, so I guess I’ll just die.
It’s no big fucking deal to me, I ain’t a *****, I just do my best until there isn’t incentive. I might not make it past my first year of college, I failed a class in the first semester. Don’t really care. No point, it won’t fix shit at home. But apparently my life is so great according to others, I got nothing to worry about, my life is just TOO fucking great.
Well here ya go. I’ll let you win, but I won’t cry for you, punk bitches.
Anyways until then I’m gonna terrorize the world. Be it by art, or by fist fighting everyone I come across who even KINDA pisses me off. Y’all better stay in quarantine longer, or watch out for that white kid you thought was weak, he’s undefeated.
PS: You can challenge me too, I won’t hold back shit if you wont ;p
I want to thank this website where I could write my last words and the thoughts that I couldn’t share with anyone else. But now the water has gone above my head, I’m drowning and my head hurts. After a long time, I’m able to make a decision without the interruption of the constant conflict that was running in my head. And I did try everything I could… I told my brother, my best friend, this website and the helpline guy (and they must’ve tried to bring me back) but I think the toxicity inside of me was just too much for anyone to erase it. So I guess it’s my job now to erase myself, once and for all. I’m not having any regrets, guilt or remorse. I just know that by doing this, I would start an eternity of happiness for everyone else (maybe me myself). And yes, in case you’re wondering what if I survived and this just becomes an attempt, then don’t worry cause no matter how fucked up I was, I had one gift… I was good in math (yeah, I get it, not many people are good in math, but no matter how random it seems, I was good in math) so I’ve made all the calculations and the conclusion is that there’s no way that I would survive once I jump off the roof of my building. So yeah, that’s my ‘way out’. And yes, I’d be better off dead, laying in that coffin, just me with silence, just me resting in peace… How good that’d be… Getting silence at last… Anyways, I do have a little advice for you (even if it’s fucked up) that if you have kids then try to talk to them if they seem suicidal… Although you wouldn’t be able to cause the only time you’d know that they’re suicidal would be when they are dead and as of 2020, the living can’t really speak to the dead so you know keep blaming yourselves for your kid’s death but the truth is she died cause it was her choice… You might’ve brought her up for the last 15 years but you couldn’t control her thoughts or likewise, her life. (Mind you, I’m not blaming my fam or anyone so don’t get into that) So yeah, I’mma stop right there, my words and my heart.
It’s 7:29pm. I keep my window open. I shouldn’t. The cars are loud and remind me i’m stuck in my room with my thoughts. It’s too cold, I feel myself shivering needing to wrap two blankets around myself to not feel like i’m gonna get sick. Some people are yelling as they pass by, too heated in their arguments to notice the disturbance they’re causing. Dogs are loud and barking at anything and everything that comes near them. Ever so often a ghetto car comes by with loud music and an old muffler. But past all of it I can’t help but notice the grass looks greener today. It’s kinda funny looking compared to the dead trees around it. The change is refreshing. The color just looks right. It brings me peace. I hope I will always notice greener grass.
i haven’t used my scissors in a bit. they tend to reach my thigh when i feel overwhelmed. not much happened that day yet i still reached into my nightstand for my scissors. i am always overwhelmed.
i first found out about ‘suicide forums’ when i was reading from a (shocker) suicide book. i quickly looked at the website, convincingly telling myself it was out of curiosity. closed the tab as if spending any more time on it would spread to me and infect me. it did. it became something i did a lot. reading through pages and pages of people and their thoughts. ironic to see so many alone people feel alone together. at this point i wouldn’t say i’m sad, i’m still. i wish i could write about how everything has messed me over. i feel drained, empty, tired of feeling out of place. i am fearful i will feel like this my entire life, unsatisfied. i sound spoiled. there’s nothing wrong with getting married, having kids, buying a house. it is too predictable. is there a point where i ‘learn to grow up’ where i realize everyone feels this way but just ignores. settles. i don’t want an expensive car. i don’t want a big house. i don’t want followers. i want to be someone. hypocritically i write on a suicide website. this is my problem. i can’t choose whether i want to change the world or take myself from it. different parts of the brain. i feel myself becoming more hopeless. be someone. be known for your kindness. impact people. you’ll never be anyone why try, end it before you’re in too far. i am so scared of ordinary. i’m scared my fear of ordinary will make me ordinary.
i am so privileged. the guilt is eating me up. ending it is cowardly but people would get over it. life moves on. people eventually move on.
I now avoid this place because it kinda brings me moredown than the hope and light I feel I can bring to it. But I don’t know where else I can write this and keep it somewhat personal.
I feel like people love me. And that is good. I was so afraid people hated me and couldn’t stand me. I feared people wanted to kill me even. At some point the paranoia had taken over me, but it wasn’t true. I’m not a monster. I’m not evil. I’m not that horrible of a human being despite how I may have felt. There’s people who love me. My mother loves me. And I am doing ok. Thanks for life to have given me a second chance. If you’re reading this far and are planning on killing yourself don’t. Tommorow may be the day you overcome depression. And trust me, that will make life worth living. Hoping for a cure. Carlos out. No song today. Instead this video of how I kind of feel at the moment. Only difference is I don’t feel like a diamond, I feel inferior. But, I’m sure with time I’ll overcome that. I hope I can watch the full season of Steven universe future that show is awesome. My ex used to love it, now I know why. To bad he lives too far, I think I loved him without knowing. Kinda still would love to be straight. But that is another story. Carlos out
Its been nearly two years since my last post and I’m in the process of therapy but its not helping me out the way I expected. Until 7 months ago I was physically and mentally abused for over 11 years and it has left it’s scares. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and depression and I’ve learned to accept it. But the reason for my return is that I was about to attempt to kill myself again, but I used a technique I learned in therapy to stop my attempt. I thought of the last few attempts and I started crying, something that I never do as I’ve gotten used to pretending to look happy. I thought of this site and how people always helped me out and motivated me to stand up tall and continue with my life and today is one of those days. Consider this my cry for help.
It’s been a while since I’ve been on this website and I guess that’s a good thing. To be honest I remembered that I had posts on this site while procrastinating my math hw and decided to come back on and read all of them . It was difficult, I’m not gonna lie. Some of the things I still agree with, but I also realized that I really was an angsty preteen who couldn’t handle her hormones.
So if you’re ready to sit down and listen to a young girl’s soul-searching journey then please keep on reading.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life right now. I still have sad days (which is why I came back and read all my old posts today) and I’m not quite there to achieve ULTIMATE CONTENTNESS haha, but I’m getting there. I finally know what people mean when high school is one of the greatest times of your life and I love my friends. It’s scary to know where I’m gonna end up next, especially since college decisions come out this month, but life’s going and I’m going with it. Life’s a b****, but I’m the alpha in charge. I will choose my own destiny and create good vibes for myself. Thanks and peace out!
Has anyone experienced a feeling of sadness and emptiness after working out?
I began working out because my university makes me cover some deportive credits; the first 2 weeks I felt a little bit more energetic and “happy” (more like I just didn’t feel sad) but after those weeks I have been feeling sad and have constant ideas of suicide, as if after workout I could jump off a bridge, is it normal?
Before my diagnosed depression I usually did exercise and felt anxious, but I just assumed that it was the anxiety that I have had since all my life, but now seeing how it is with depression, I guess it has something to do with exercising.
My parents say that I have a better mood, maybe what changed in me is that I appear more “stable” but in reality I just keep with these thoughts.
And also my father says that it’s impossible that exercise makes you sad because “studies” say that they improve your mood, but searching in internet, there’s a lot of people going through the same.
I envy mass shooters. When I say Mass, not talking about 2 or 3 deaths. That’s fucking annoying and where I live my country overreacts when it comes to public shooting.
Despite how sad it maybe to some people the news media loves the coverage keeps them in business.
“Mass” shooters are special in ways that I’m fascinated with. They cross the line of Man made restrictions. (Law/Human morals) they are a perfect representation of what this disgusting Humanity really represents. We are truly barbaric always have, always will.
I see people on news after the shooting and they act all surprised and shocked and just shake my head at them. They dont want to accept that mental illness plays a role. We can’t measure insanity or treat it. Things like this will happen. Taking guns away wont work, adding more cops wont work, you cant stop people from waking up one morning and becoming the next head line.
Always expect the unexpected.
Everyone’s action is unpredictable especially the unexpected.
She hugged me today.
She’s hugged me twice before. On my birthday, and again, on a day when I was miserable.
But today… I wasn’t turning a year older, or falling apart inside.
She just, hugged me. For no reason. Because, she wanted to? Because she thought I would want her to?
I don’t know. But for once, there wasn’t a clear reason..
Maybe now I’ll finally be brave enough to hug her. And not feel restrained by the necessity of needing a reason.
So… i just finished my plan, you guys probably know what kind of plan i have and it is just great, well planned actually.
But im thinking we should i go one last time. I tought in a beach, it would be troublesome to go but i can handle, i think in some hill or high place, i have fear of heights, but the sight would be awesome
Soo… what you guys think? Where should i go one last time?
I’m done. I’ve had enough of Arizona. This place is literally my own personal version of hell on earth. I was born in AZ but it doesn’t mean I have to love it. My skin hates it so much. Triple digit temperatures all week are no fun when you gotta walk 15miles just to get to work. The careless peeps who run my side of town won’t build or expand public transportation in many neglected areas out here. I have a car now but I remember when I didn’t have one and arriving to work smelling like shit from sweating on my way there. Besides the weather, I have nothing but painful memories here. I hate seeing certain places that remind of bad memories. I guess I can thank my broken family for that. I’m abandoning them and unfortunately I can’t tell them where I’m going because I don’t want them to follow. There’s a few that I will miss so much but I know if I tell them where I’ll be going then they’ll just pass the word around to the rest. I’m doing this for me and hopefully for my future children if I ever get the opportunity to have some of my own. I’ll be moving to New Mexico. I don’t have much to lose. All I need is me and my car. Obviously it would be wise to secure a job over there first as well as an apartment. I’m not that naive to think I can just get up and go without any roadblocks. This is why I will be preparing for 1 year. I’ve done my research on communities and the environment over there. I’m well aware that I will be needing a new driver’s license as well. I can go on and on about how much I’ve thought this through just to prove that I have in fact researched enough. But my decision has been made.
Everything I own can fit in my small car so theres one less roadblock most people face when moving. The minimum wage may be lower over there but so is their housing prices. $9 an hour will be their minimum wage starting next year. Found many studio apartments for $500-$700. That’s an easy price to pay in my opinion. A little over a weeks worth of work and I have enough to rent a studio apartment already with the income tax rate in between 1.7% – 4.9%. In comparison to Arizona’s 2.59% – 4.54%. And many decent apartments out here cost a lot more between the ranges of $775-$950. People say that’s cheap in comparison to other places but if I can go cheaper without sacrificing safety and quality then WHY NOT?! And yes there are cheaper apartments out here that only charge $500 per month but those are the ones located in areas populated with gangbangers, drunk college students and crackheads as well as prostitutes. I’m sure this happens in every state but the key is knowing which areas to stay away from. Anyways I’m absolutely certain that I will love New Mexico. I’m tired of being trapped in Arizona aka satans fiery asshole. This place is getting too crowded anyway with the high rates of population growth every year here. And the natural formations out there look beautiful….at least based on what I can see from the pictures. I’ll be going out for walks, hikes more often once I get out there.
To climb out of the wreckage of lies, deception and willful betrayal and duplicity. To perceive who someone really is under their ingenuous disguise of innocent princess playing the victim. Covert narcissism runs deep in a traumatized mind. I’ll burn the whole world down to achieve my success and realize my nocturnal dreams to reality. I’ll be damned if I let the insidious lies of a miserably trapped, cognitively dissonant, neurotically insipid, and untreated psychotic disassemble my life. The fire inside of me rages with flames of pride, dignity, and truth of self. The distinctive I. I, Ryze. And I know the Creator. My I is one with the I of the Creator guiding my life. The eternal flame feeding the infinite creativity intrinsic to my nature. I, comatose. Yet I, ryze despite the adversity, opposition and social control. The truth is a terrible thing and you hid too many secrets. My allegiance is to the eminent self, and the transcendent entity. Your allegiances speak for themselves in your poisonous actions, words, and doublespeak. Hidden behind your veil of delusions of grandeur, your grandiose ego and superficial machinations of a personality. Fuck you. I refuse to be held down. This is a declaration to MY future!
It’s only natural that the more a human has to handle large masses of anything, they cease to see the individual and rather the collective. It’s how vision works, zoom out and you don’t see the atoms anymore just the mass. This makes them forget that people are people. They either are psychopaths to take on such a terrible task or they become psychopaths along the way. The sheer lack of sympathy that is displayed by authouritarians is sadistic and psychopathic to say the least. That’s why the world will never get better, and people will always die.
Targeting down unwanted behavior, which might have been caused by extreme environments. Making a behavioral change, to resolve those conflicts.
Lately, 1) I have been fed up with making unsocial statements or just being indelicate in social environment. I also have been fed up with 2) my lack of sleep.
First step, targeting the problems and its reasons; I feel like it is an outcome of physical state. or is it?
Let’s look further:
1). Being socially indelicate – why? Because I talk fast. is it all ? No. let’s look further; I ACT quickly probably due to PTSD, and other PAST environments that I have been in, in which I had to ACT QUICKLY, and be PASSIVE. I am also feeling “lonely” because I notice way more people than they notice me [due to the fact that I am ALWAYS ALERT TO THE ENVIRONMENT due PTSD]. Feeling lonely -> increase pressure to socials -> increase anxiety and defects in the process. Repeats it self….
2). Why I cant fall asleep quick? because I’m always sitting on the lookout, and I also feel extremely lonely [also related on being always alert, noticing many people with out being able to say to them that I’m in anxiety]. —there is more but I will pass on making further analysis—.
Now, second step: Making behaviroal changes:
1). Calming myself with thoughts and other well known techniques [NON DRUGS]. Practicing out loud with mirror and others. Experiencing more socially stable conversation, in which I take an ACTIVE role, speaks sometimes TOO SLOW, so I can experience a different sort of awkwardness – the sort of which I’m AFRAID OF. (then I will learn that it is not bad, and will feel more CALM).
In addition, every time I feel lonely and unwanted, to let my thoughts go over and away, take a few moments to rest and enjoy the beautiful day around.
2). small opening: until now I had to sleep with a played TV show or other thing, to help me run away from my thoughts. My solution is putting a 15minutes music [set music on phone to close in 15 minutes] and to play out a calming music [maybe change it every once in a while], think about my goals, my means, how I will change other unwanted behaviors.
In conclusion, with writing this, I have thought about ways that I think fit for me to cope with my problems, and I offered myself BEHAVIORAL SOLUTIONS for BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS. It is important to practice them. I hope to succeed, and will updated later.
As for usual, if you thought this was worth reading, please comment, tell me what you think, if you have advices, I would love to know. I am hear to gain help and to overcome my problems. I want to cope with my life, and find better ways to heal the wounds.
Stay strong, be brave,
p.s. cliped wing I tried sending you emails, didnt got response. Maybe you can send me an email? update me that you have sent one, so I can check maybe there is an auto spam block for some reason.
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