Unhappy is he to whom the memories of childhood bring only fear and sadness.
-H. P. Lovecraft, “The Outsider”
All throughout my life, I have felt blinded… betrayed; by who? I don’t know. I felt like I could not see the bigger picture, but it turned out that I did not have a voice. I could not speak my mind without feeling tired; and then… falling asleep. I would wake up feeling confused and dazed; not yet ready to challenge the world again. I felt like there was nothing left for me here… anymore. And there still is nothing. I have to ignore hope… and embrace the end. It’s terrifying. To have these thoughts race throughout my mind; and to just accept them. Why? Why accept them? or anything. I’m praying for the end; so I can no longer experience those painful moment anymore. We can’t go on. Just to see the greater story. I lost everything; and I never got to see the other side. Please, never again.
Alyce J. Kidder
It’s okay, I’ve tried my best; I need to sleep again soon. Please be the last time I see this place… this world… this nightmare.
My Suicide Note
”I still love you as much as i did then which is totally a whole frikin lot! I’ll never leaveeee youuuuu because i needdddddd youuuu foreverrrr innnn myyy lifeeee (yes there is a tune to that, my own kind of tune that is) Well my sweet sweet love i’m going to sit in front of the heater my feet seem to be going nmb from the coldness. I LOVE YOU LIKE A FAT KID LOVES CAKE”
but then you left us all.
i hate this.
it’s like drowning in the ocean,
the deeper you drown,
the harder it gets to breathe,
the darker it gets to see,
the colder the water gets,
your body becomes numb,
you can no longer swim.
no matter how hard you scream,
nobody can hear you,
nobody can see you.
no matter how hard you fight the wave,
you’re too deep in the ocean,
and in the end
you get tired of trying and fighting,
you give up,
you’re all alone.
it’s frightening how calm
and peaceful it may seem from the surface,
but deadly at the same time,
because no one can tell
what’s deep within it from the surface.
to be not as strong as you thought.
to be not as strong as you were.
You might be invisible, but I can see you standing on every corner of my mind.
Do I report an invisible man?
Do I report a faceless and voiceless man?
I still remember what you did to me that year
That summer day where you ruin my life
I remember what you wanted to do with me
I remember everything, yet your face is still a blur
Who am I suppose to run from?
Who am I suppose to hide from?
I still feel you
I can feel how you pushed me against that house
Your hands were two, but they felt like two millions
millions of hands all over my body
Trying to rip my clothes off
Am I grateful to be here?
I still think about that
I sometimes wish you’d killed me
I have constant nightmares and panic attacks
I don’t know who you are but I hate you
I don’t know you name but I hate it
I close my eyes and you are there
I cross the street and you are there
It’s so ironic really
I sometimes think i’m still there
That I never got away from you
Maybe i’m still there and all my life it’s really a fantasy i’m having
Maybe my nightmares are not nightmares, they are real.
Maybe my life is not my life
I’ve officially ran out of motivation. I’m too tired and I’m sick of living. Everyone I’ve ever loved hates me and that’s okay.
My name is Niki Wonoto. I am from Jakarta, Indonesia.
I am severely depressed & suicidal. I feel so alone, nobody cares, even if I die.
I’m 38 years old loser & failure. Maybe better to just die.
Ive been betrayed, abused, mentally fucked, cheated, lied to , spied on, stolen from, robbed of happyness and all my belongings, caged in psych wards, my entire life… But it occured to me, a few years ago… That I too, live in some kind of floating box CIA prison , the same as Terry A Davis claimed he did, and explained… For over 20 years. Even in my youth, people shit on me, talk down to me, betray me. .. fuck me over… The suicide attempts, the depression, the pain i went through, the betrayals…. I never knew I lived in some kind of prison that followed me around until a few years ago, I didnt know that this life was a construct around me, with the deliberate purpose of torturing me… the entire “gangstalking” things is a cover up, honey trap, for the real victims to run to online, where they just abuse them more, and discredit them.. a whole fiasco, a shit show. a mockery of the true “target” of theirs. .. . what a fucking joke. the jokes on me. as Terry A Davis said, “i live in a cia prison, a ****** runs my prison” …… yeah…. Yeah sure, we developed all the symptoms of schizophrenia, most heavily abused people do. It didnt come natural. We werent given a chance in life. To be normal. Because we think differently. We dont suck societies cock. We arent pussies. We dont conform like sheep following a trend. Thats cool. Thats punk rock. Terry A Davis , id like to say I can make it until the day comes, where this torture shit , the truth is revealed. And i will try. But today is a bad day. Im pretty down. I joined this site to rant. To express my pain and sorrow. Sometimes I dont know if I can make it another day. What a shit life. I will try to see the day this is exposed and get some kind of vindication for you. If for nothing else.
People always tell me that I’m privileged, spoiled, and have a good life, that I should be grateful. But what if that is still not enough? What if I want so much more in life?
I’m an idealist. I have big dreams, and even visions to change the world. But sadly, in reality, there are still so many factors that limit me from achieving all my dreams. Instead, here I am just being another normal, ordinary, average Joe on the street that just only do mundane, boring, & meaningless job everyday. Even worse now, this all has led me to experience an existential crisis (or existential depression), that honestly, now I don’t even have any motivation, or basically zero energy to wake up every morning, because what’s the point? What is the point of living, and what is the purpose & meaning of life, if I have to be just like everybody else with their simple mind (simpleton) with their optimistic/positive/positivity motto “Live, Laugh, Love”, but at the cost of sheer ignorance, being oblivious, & stupidity? That’s just depressing for me. Is that all there is? That’s it? I wish life could be so much more than this! I just can’t accept that this is all there is! That’s just a cold, boring, & depressing reality! I wish there are more in life than all of this stupid pointless, meaningless bullshit & nonsense everyday for the rest of my life until I die. “Life sucks and then you die”, if that’s the case, then why not just check out early? There are even many stories & cases of the so-called “privileged, spoiled, fortunate, lucky, rich, or even successful” people who died from suicide. So it’s not just “poor, unfortunate, low-class, struggling” people. It’s all random. Some people will live, while some people will die. That’s just how it is. That’s life. And that’s just the reality.
It seems to go in a bitter, vicious cycle. I take meds. I get better. I run out of meds. I don’t have financial resources to pay for the meds. I find the resources but not before I’ve “detoxed” off of paxil, buspar and doxepin. Not pleasant. Then the cycle starts over. During the time I am “detoxing”, I usually try to call it quits. I push my family further away. I retreat into myself. I haven’t worked outside my house in 3 years. The cycle starts over. I’m tired of this cycle. I want out, I want it to end. I am tormented, and tired of putting on a show. I’m evil. I sold my soul to the devil. Send me to hell.
I don’t know why I feel like this. I feel worthless. My ex has ruined me, and I cant move past that anytime soon. I can’t do any of my work for school…I’m 3 weeks behind. I just wanna fucking die. My ex just up and left, No explanation no closure. I’m a pathetic excuse of a son and brother, I can’t even do the simple thing of doing my schoolwork, I rarely leave my room and If I do its to grab food/ride around outside. I’m not sure what the point of my writing this is. I plan on writing my note soon. I feel completely abandoned, There’s no one left.
“I don’t believe in luck! I create my own luck!”. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in life.
A friend of mine used to tweet a phrase that always sticks with me: “Some people are lucky, some people are not.” That was some years ago, and the more I live now, the more I see (& realized/learned) that it’s true. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in their lives. Or in life, for all that matters. I don’t know and I’m not sure if it’s due to the meritocracy thing (“If you work hard, you WILL succeed/reach success!”), or if it’s due to the ‘positive/optimistic’ self-help culture/trend/hype that is literally almost everywhere nowadays, etc etc. But I think it’s very naive, simplistic, & ignorant if people seriously believe that they control ALL and EVERY aspect of their life/lives.
Even the posts here in this website that will get popular & many comments, and other posts that get almost no view/comment or even banned/deleted (even though when they’re really good posts, but sadly just very underrated or underappreciated), it also has the ‘luck’ factor in it. And as a result (or even the fatal consequences), no wonder some people in this website will feel even more alone, unloved, nobody cares, and some of them will probably even decide to be ‘gone forever’ by committing suicide.
But back to the main point again: if you really think much more deeper, you will see that it’s all random (yes, somewhat nihilistic). Some people will win, & some people will lose. Some people will survive & live, while some people will die. I always view our human species just like those little ants: There are billions of them on this planet, and some will get crushed & die, while some other will survive & live. That’s basically our human life too. In fact, it’s ALL lives in this universe. Some will live; Some will die.
Lastly, it’s the same thing with all of us here who are depressed & suicidal. You take a look at all your other friends, family, colleagues, or people, and how they somehow are happy, or even successful, and then you think: “Why I can’t be like that too?”, even though you’ve tried or even work really hard. And then even when you eventually see how some of us in this website can finally recover, cured, healed, & finally lead a normal, happy, & successful life too, it will make you think the same again: “Why I can’t be like them?”.
I don’t know if it’s god, karma, universe, destiny, fate, or just simply pure random chances. But to say that you don’t believe in luck, playing at least SOME aspects/parts in your life, that’s just naive, ignorant, & too simple-minded. People who said that probably haven’t truly ‘open their eyes & wake-up’ to reality.
- In feb of this year i cut my radial artery in my wrist. I just lost my best friend my twin flame my guy. Never got to say goodbye or sorry. I have had many suicide atrempts unfortunately but this one amd the one previous should have been the last. I dont remember doing it i just remember holding my arm i realizing it was bad cause it was squirting like in the movies. . My first thought was not to get help it was to proceed to get into the bath tub and let it happen. Not sure how much time passed but i felt myself getting weaker. I could heqr my cousin in other room getting ready for her date. I eneded up calling her into bathroom only cause i couldn’t bear the fact of her finding me hours later in the blood horror ahow in my bathroom. . I received emergency surgery and told the heqd doctor the next day that my other personality that tkes over sometimes did it. Told her me personally the one shes speaking to didnt but i have a new issue on top of my bipolar and they call it dissociative disorder so i kinda blqck out. The hospital released me within 12 hours of major surgery with no counsling or mental health check. Since then i literally have just been coasting by on auto pilot. Not sure how i have kept a job or not burned down my house. I was teying to die and no one person reached out to just be an ear to talk to or a hug when i was at my lowest. Not sure why im posting this. Maybe cause im pretty low tonight and it just hurts to never be seen. I dont want attention but . . Yeah i dont k ow what it is i want or need. I just k ow its not this life
No matter what you go through in life you always hear, “It will get better”. It didn’t and it won’t. I have no one to turn to and no one who would even care at this point. It’s not that I’ve ruined all of my friendships or I’m particularly mean, I’m just forgettable. I’m the person who will never be the favorite friend but would do anything for the people around me. Even my family I try to impress throughout all the abuse, sexual assault and negligence, I faced as a child I’ve still always tried to strive for their approval. In friendships, betrayal has come a normal but for some reason I can’t seem to get it through my head that they don’t care whether I’m there or not. Almost every relationship I’ve been in ruined due to either cheating, abuse or sexually assault. I’m starting to think it has more to do with me than them.
Lets say for argument sake, “It does get better” I’m not willing to wait anymore. I’ve reached my breaking point and I’m ready to stop the pain. The trauma never goes away whether I’m grieving over my dads passing or anything else I’ve dealt with in my life, it doesn’t get easier for me. I have a plan and I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.
To: Sister with a flower in the head
You are really greedy huh? You have been living well, have many friends, have lovely boyfriend, have your youth life without studying, hang out friends, eating good food, top three doctor college, but still you said you are jealous of me…
You said its not enough and you still need 1% of my happiness. How can you be so cruel as a sister huh? You want to play music like me, you want to be loved by parents like me, like me, like me, like im living with the best live more than yours.
Everyone can see even you can see even you said it yourself. Yes you are better than me. I said it here and there.
Like me you said? Feeling miserable 23 hours a day. Cant find what I want to do. I cant even recognize myself or my hobby anymore. My hobby faded so my happiness. My self love deteroriated. You can see a deep black under my eyes because i cant sleep at all. If you ask me why i cant sleep, its the headache or my ear keep ringing or my eyes like pressed by someone or i cant breathe sometimes or i got sleep paralyze. Sometimes when i finally got to sleep i wake up with miserable feeling. A dream of old memories like a torture. I hate this. I hate that. Ive been living with this for years. Even right now my head hurts like hell writing this. Its like my head going to explode.
If i can trade my life with you i would. I would. Oh i would. I dont need this music talent at all that i hate right now. I dont need my good voice at all that i cant even try to sing anymore. I dont need my dying parents love at all. Dont you see they love you more than me right now. You are succesfull and not like me a trash. I dont need my kind heart that always help people in need and now no one help me. You know it feels so lonely at night at morning at evening at afternoon. Locking myself in my room feel safer because i wont get hurt someone wont get hurt.
You know if reborn did exist i dont want to be reborn. At all. I want to be a void. Leaving this toxic world that even your family cant help. I have no regret leaving this world. Dont worry. Actually I will feel so muchh better. Like a bigggggg biiiiggg stone lifted up from me. Karma does exist and i hope you dont get one.
I still remember that you said depression too when your wedding plan got cancelled because of covid. Yes you sure about it because you are a doctor. If you really have one then why you did all this to me when you see i try to die 2 times and countless of time cutting and choking myself and hitting my head with things. I wonder why you said that to me. To die drinking rat poison. To die as fast as i can. I wonder why you said that. I really wonder why. But you know if maybe you really have one, i hope yours wont get worsen like me. Dont be like me. Its not good or happy at all or once. Its painful really painful.
I dont know what to said anymore. But if you find this web and my diary. Hi its your lil sis. Ive been searching for help for years. Ive been searching for love and hug for years. Do you remember that last time we hug? I dont think so. Be happy sis live well and wlak the flower path. Hey dont cry its okay its all in the past.
Once i said this the past is not a past. The past is what makes me right now. So the past is now. So i dont know. But yeah i know you will move on. Nice to meet you again here.
From : Lil sis with a mushroom in the head
It’s simple and I’ve come to accept that my life is a failure. I agree that not every living body has the ability to play this game. “Living” (game of life)
Mentally and physically the older you get the less you can control. What boosts your chances of having success is adopting early to the challenges we typically face has humans. Being social enough to have friends, learn to speak with strangers. Work hard and bring value to share with your family. Express emotions with the opposite sex to love and protect.
Ive took it all for granted.. didnt bother to learn from my mistakes. Continued to drift and bounce between self damages that are now my beliefs. I’m delusional. I’m scared to face my reality. What’s past my bedroom door. Crying from the intense observations of others. Having a mental break down just looking at others converse and laugh, enjoying themselves with others. I sence the world has past me by.. I just dont know when it happened and how long I have been this way.
I have a family I dont deserve because i dont know how to love.
I hate myself because I dont know how to forgive and forget.
I missed my opportunity… to grow. To be someone, who others wouldn’t mind to think and say something positive about.
I’m Less than Dead.
My name is Brody and I will try to build the courage to kill myself.
What’s on your mind, bud? Talk to me.
I know you came on this website to see what people have to say, to see if you can leave any comments. And I also know that you want to leave comments on people to help them with the shit they’re going through.
SCREW THAT. THAT’S NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE. YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU NEED HELP, YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO’LL LISTEN.
I WILL LISTEN.
Leave a comment, let’s talk. I’ll listen. No judgement, no problem-solving (unless you want it). I’ll try my best to understand, I’ll try my best to here you until you’re through, and most importantly I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU. Talk to me, leave a comment.
To the admins: I’ve been here since 2012, if memory serves me. I’ve been to some of the deepest, shittiest parts of life and came back fighting with lots of psychedelics, booze, victories and losses. I’ve had an amazing amount of love thrown at me and have recently come back to this site with the intention of helping.
Just waiting for the right moment when I can end it all. I am done and soon it will be over. I will finally be free from them. I am done being told what to do, who to be, and tired of everyone’s bullshit. I am angry and hurt and its all I feel these days. I have no one and I have told no one how I been feeling, and the only person that matters to me I cannot burden them. I just need this to end and to get it over with. I Should have killed myself years ago.
You dont have right to cry
Because you already know but you only asking why
I am enough with all these try
Just shut up and let me die
I HATE YOU
I last visited this site on 2019. My life was a mess because one “friend” in my group is a psychopath and basically manipulated everyone to go against me, harass me online non-stop, isolate me and drive me to suicide by grinding down my reputation and character and saying all sorts of false accusations against me. Basically I was jobless, an outcast, a social recluse, pretty much had my life and reputation destroyed and all I did was mope in bed feeling powerless on not being able to do anything or pursue my dreams anymore. I went to the monastery to escape all this and wanted to isolate myself as some recluse monk free from the real world. I even wanted to leave my girlfriend because it got too much for me handle. Well, all according to plan or so I thought but the person in charge didn’t even let me try monk life and I was out by the 3rd day because they don’t accept “depressed” people. I thought that was the end of it and my life was over but my brother then got me to church and had me in a group. Unbelievably things were turning around as I made a new circle of friends, tried my darndest to forget the past and live life anew. I even got my online job back and was making decent money again to live out my dreams of finally being with my girlfriend as I wanted to marry her and start a new family to forget everything. We even had plans to marry May on 2021. I was hanging by a thread and the only thing holding me together was my gf and soon to be fiance as she was the only one left from my previous life.
Well all according to plan and going good right? Nope! Why that would be way too easy? There’s no way you’re gonna escape this! Why should God or some cosmic force decide I not suffer anymore and screw further with my life? As soon as things are turning okay my mother dies months later as I get my job back. It was devastating to me. I saw how she suffered in the hospital when doctors couldn’t figure out what her disease was so had loads of needles and machines attached to her. Things got so bad that she acquired a hospital pneumonia and had to have tubes inserted down her throat. I saw first hand how she was writhing in pain due to all the needles and machines inserted in her body.
Then 6 months later, I find out my gf’s been cheating with one of her old classmates as they formed a Chat Group on Facebook Messenger with their elementary batchmates. What set red flags for me was her attitude changing and being bitchy/naggy all the time, trying to start arguments over nothing and making issues out of thin air to shit test me. My autistic analytical mind definitely thought something was up and found out she has been cheating by sending lovey dovey messages with one of her classmates. She forgot I had access to her account as we gave each other’s passwords as a sign of each other’s trust and “openness”. Mind you, this former classmate of hers already has a child and impregnated many women out of wedlock already. In short this guy is a fuckboy. Learning the lessons from the past, I didn’t take too kindly on this so I saved as many screenshots as I can and printed 20 copies each and passed them on to her family and friends to make sure I’m not getting screwed again like what my friends did to me. Needless to say she got found out and is too ashamed to talk to me and now avoids me like the plague while blocking the fuckboy in an attempt to “remedy” the situation (she got a mouthful from her parents. They didn’t like the fact that she was cheating with a fuckboy).
Just as life was turning for the better I’m getting screwed again. Those feelings of loneliness, bitterness, sense of being isolated, being alone with no one to love and wanting to just die just to get it over with is creeping back in my mind. In short my friends had a falling out and left me, I am feeling suffocated and isolated, my mother dies in a horrible and excruciating way and found out the fiance which I’m supposed to marry cheated on me through social media messaging apps. What’s the point of going on? My girlfriend was the last thing holding me together but even that has been taken away. It’s as if God or some cosmic force has decided to just shit on me and make me as some personal amusement that my life should suck and that I should suffer no matter what I do. I don’t even want to live anymore. What’s the point of going on? There’s really just no escape once you get in, is there?
Last night I picked up a bottle of pills and poured all of them in my mouth, there was about 40 in the bottle. I didn’t swallow them because I still have things I need to do before I can end my life, but in that moment I realized how easy I could end it. I was always scared to kill myself because I thought it would be difficult I didn’t know what to do. But when I put the pills in mouth I realized I could just go ahead and swallow them and end it now. I’m not as scared as before because now I know how quickly I can take the pills and end it. I don’t know if what I’m saying even makes sense but it brought me some peace to know that maybe it won’t be as hard to die as I thought.