I ruined my moms paradise. “Youre just like your father, you came into my paradise and ruined it”. I was homeless and between jobs. I helped around the house, I tried keeping conversations with her, but every time I was met with disdain. It was just a repeat of my childhood. Except my father wasnt around to physically abuse me. My mom was there to still be emotionally abusive though. She let her ex-boyfriend constantly use the f-slur around me even after expressing to them both multiple times Im uncomfortable with it because of my being bisexual. She even made excuses for him. […]
Category:
My Suicide Note
when I was a child I got bullied a lot but now I became a evil dead beat can’t forget what happened to me cause unfortunately I’m the one who deserves to have no heart beat my life has no meaning no pulse all I though I had was all false I tried to better my self but all I do is ruin my self no one loves me couse I’m just a dead beat so I wonder why god even wasted his time with me couse Im just a dead beat I deserve to be dead I lost lots of love ones that didn’t […]
Sometimes i smile but it’s just a cover tired just tired of living I have no meaning and no meaning to life I’m just a lost soul lost with no cause no reason to be roaming this earth just a big pile of dust is what I should be. couse this life of mine has no meaning to me or feeling couse my vains run with peer disappointments for my love ones I was always the great disgrace and have to be put in my place death is what I wish I have god should take me instead of taking my love ones […]
My cat died today. He got out and I can’t find him, How do I know he is dead, then? Because I can feel his ghost.
The universe can fuck itself. If there’s a god, it can fuck itself. The whole world can fuck itself. I am so fucking tired. No matter what i do, it’s 1 step forward and ten back. Whatever god is out there is having a laugh at my pain, and since I’m no one special, I suspect it is laughing at everyone else who is in pain, too.
I just read that “experts” figured out that giving up on life can literally […]
My dearest Daughter,
I’m sorry for the tragedies in the past several years, many of them my fault.
Below is a list of my sorries:
I’m sorry that I fought with your mom all those years.
I’m sorry I couldn’t do more to keep brother alive.
I’m sorry for having depression and anxiety and not being a father to you.
I’m sorry for embarrassing you in public with my anxiety/panics.
I’m sorry for making others around you in public feel awkward because I have crooked eyes, high-pitched voice and other unattractive attributes.
I’m sorry for being the black sheep of my family.
I’m sorry that you had to see how law enforcement treats/abuses me.
I’m […]
7 years ago I predicted that I would die at this time of this particular year.
At the time of writing this, I can safely say that I have been defeated on all fronts.
Academically and professionally I am convincingly outperformed, physically I grow fragile and weak, my eyes are blurry, my voice – quiet.
I have always enjoyed defeat. Victory is a burden. Defeat is freedom.
My dream has always been to just sleep away till eternity alone in a comfy bed, away from the pandemonium that is society and humanity.
I tried my best but alas, life isn’t for everyone […]
I guess if i told the people around me that I’m depressed and suicidal, they would say I’m too young to know what that means. I no longer have a backup plan, for the method I dreamed so longingly about found its way to be as torturous as life. Yeah, I’ve done my research.
Things used to be easier when I didn’t have someone to disappoint. And then my stupid ass decided to fall in love, and I basically tell him everything. We’re dating? Fun. Half the time I feel guilty for lying to my parents about him and the other half is spent feeling […]
I am 85% sure tonight is the night. My name is Jack and I want my last words to be to my teddy bear, Teddy. Dear teddy, I love u you’re my only true best friend and I know I can tell you all this your sitting on my chest but I want to write this down for people to see because u deserve the world. I’m sorry for leaving u but I’m sure ur soul will follow me wherever I go at least I hope so. For all the 17 years we’ve been together, you’ve never hurt me, made me upset, insulted me. You’re […]
trying to maintain my mental health thru someone
someone that love me and know my story
weve been together since 2010
from a friend to best friend to love
from cheerful to depressed version
started to
loving myself
grooming myself
looking into the bright side
trying to be better
but i
afraid to be in relationship
relationship is a frail thing
break like a glass
cant be forever
and what makes me scared the most
what if i dont love him back
what if he develop depression too
what if i fail you?
just like today
when my parents trying to take the mental health stability i earned and […]
lately every time i take a step forward, something throws me back 3 steps. [background; long story short, my father killed himself when i was 5, i blamed myself, mother got into an abusive relationship and got on drugs. when i was 11 i moved with my aunt, (somehow got even worse) ive had drugs pushed on me the whole time here, lots of drinking and fighting, lying to police, etc.,, i was treated like a slave and belittled by my cousins for 4 years. so so much more that i cant even begin to explain.] The first time i tried to kill myself was […]
Dear mom; I wish you could see what was really going on with me, i wish you could see the truth on what is wrong with me… I wish you knew that you’re the reason I’m like this, I didn’t want to be like this… you have made me feel as if i was just a big problem in your life… I’m sorry for being born.
Dear Dad; I love you dad so much you treat me better than mom but… why… why do you have to make me and my sister unconfutable? you shouldn’t be sneaking pictures of us and not tells us why… “Cheese”…. […]
I thought telling myself im getting better
Telling you im getting better
Will actually make me feel better
But its not
Its just makes me feel lonelier more than before
Trapped in my box of lie coating with happiness
Im so sorry i choose to left this way
But even if i ask and scream for help
You wont help me
You wont be here
Only my smile and cheerful side makes you happy
Makes you closer
Guess everyone loves the sunshine
But forget about the rain in the same sky
There are so many things i should prepare for my mom, dad, sis, best friends, friends, and enemy.
But do i really need to do all of that?
Im afraid they will be sad cause im gone
But will my letter and gifts makes them understand what ive been thru or makes them less sad?
Should i jump from a building?
Should i drink the mix of drugs?
Should i cut my neck/wrist?
Im so afraid to live yet im afraid to hurt them too
At the same time
Im happy cause there will be someone crying in my funeral and to leave this painful feeling
Ive been […]
In these woods I stand belong to me.
They’re burnt and barren as far to see;
The skies are dark and a storm is coming
There is no shelter for me.
It might be unwise to wait just a bit
But my weariness compels me to sit
As the winds pick up and the thunder rumbles
I cup my hands around to get my cigarette lit.
I’ve made too many mistakes while on my path
It’s plain to see and as easy as math.
There’s no time left and honestly I’m very tired
To face the stress, the hurt, the wrath.
These woods might not be pretty, green […]
12/19/2022
i’m so tired. i’m 19 going on 20 years old and i’ve done absolutely nothing to show for it. i’m a quitter – i’ve quit on everything and everyone in my life except for the shitty drugs and the sex, the DIY piercings, the self-harm… i quit on everything that actually mattered.
i’m not going to ever get better. my bpd’s gonna strangle me the rest of my life.. so what’s the fucking point? might as well beat it to the punch, and sign off.
if a therapist were to evaluate me at this moment, i’d be fucked. grippy socks […]
Watching others this time of year, wondering if what they’re showing the world is just a mask like mine or are they truly as happy as they appear? I’m tired of trying, I’ve been trying for forty some years, when can it be enough? When can I close my eyes one last time and feel relief for those remaining conscious moments? I fulfilled my role as daughter, wife and mother, everything is in its place. Even to feel nothing rather than this unrelenting sadness, not knowing why, only that it’s a part of me, intertwined to deeply. I don’t want to keep going […]
Hey hello you there.. if you see this post may you keep reading.. i really need your help.. SO
There will be a wedding party around 2 weeks from now. The groom is one my best friend and the bride is a fake friend/ a witch/idk what i should called her. As you guys know im battling my depression for 2-3 years and i just getting better this month, struggling by myself without medical, parents, or friends help.
Now i am fatter like 10kg more than before. Ive been locking myself all these years and doesnt want to meet my friends. One of the reason why […]
I started to thinking again
Should i juat die leaving this world before this year ends
I keep losing what i love
My mom said dont depend yourself on someone
Depend on yourself
I cant
When i dont have anything good left inside me
And thats why i choose to live for my dog
Why you always being so harsh to me
You said i cant even cry when im feeling sad
Even you cry when you have a bad mood
I saw it
But why i cant even tho you know that its only hurting me more
Why are you so harsh to me […]
Gratitude is overrated, like many other optimistic/positive-thinking advices. Not everybody can do that. It’s unrealistic, and honestly full of BS (bullshit)
Gratitude has become today’s current hype which everyone seems to be doing, and even keep posting about it constantly on social media. Everywhere you see people always talk about gratitude (& with all other optimistic/positive stuff usually).
It becomes irritating however when gratitude is forced and shoved down our throats, as if everyone should (or must) do that. In reality, you can’t just force other people to keep showing gratitude constantly. Things happened, shits happened; problems, pain, & sufferings happen to some people, which is ridiculous […]
iam a failure in every sense of the word, but I don’t mind being a failure. Not everyone is capable of being successful but I don’t mind that. Iam happy working menial job but when you live with an abusive family who oppress you it is impossible to find peace of mind. The only way I can find it is to get some work and move out but I can’t do that. Iam incapable. Iam not allowed to get a job. I can’t go out. Iam like a pet dog tied up with chains who’s abused day and night. So the only way for happiness […]
Newer Posts