i feel like im going to fucking explode!!!!! i cant take this feeling, im so empty. the real part of me died when you left and ive tried everything to get it back but i fucking cant. i dont even feel alive. im not. im just surviving because everything i do is so fucking pointless. nothing even matters and i just want it to be my day. i want to go. my spiritual beliefs that i fall back on arent working. manifestation and hope spells only do so much until you reach a breaking point. he’s gonna move on just like i fucking told him he would if i died. he swore up and down that itd break him completely but here we are and it’s happening and he’s okay. he’s not even gonna come to the funeral. he’ll be okay. i hate everyone that says suicide isa permanent solution to a temporary problem because its not. its a permanent solution to a permanent problem, life. i can already see the fuckers at me funeral saying how much of a tragedy it was, a young life was lost because theyre doing it to her now. im such a simple person but everything has to be so specific or i cant cope and im tired of it all. one person can’t handle this their entire life and i dont plan to. 13 november 2019. life doesn’t get better and ive accepted that
My Suicide Note
Tbh, I didn’t think I’d make it as far in life as I did when I meet you.
The year before truely pushed me to the limit. I lost my family and everything we build toghter, I stuggled and suffered through the cancer, so lonely inside. So empty. I almost gave up but the hope of meeting the girl I keeped dreaming about keeped me kicking.
And when the storm started to clear, you showed up. How charming and beautiful you were. You blew me away. I never felt this way before.
From the second I first layed eyes on you in that parking lot, your long red hair flowing in the breeze, I fell in love with you. I didn’t believe in love at first sight, and yet it happens to me.
I still remember, how passionate and instense those first few times with you were. I remember as we layed there naked cuddling , watching the Atlantic ocean out the window, I tough it had all been worth it. All the pain and suffering I had endured.
You once promised me.youd be there no matter what. If the cancer came back I wouldn’t be alone.
I told you I was broke. How everyone.i love abandons me. How I had issues because of this and I made you prise that if you were to be with me, this is the one thing you needed to understand. To stand by me.when things got hard.
I tried so hard. I was still trying to get myself on my feet, but gave all I had to take care of you and your kids. To always worry and make sure bills were payed. That there was food. That the rent was payed. Even if I put mine second.
When we had that scare, you locked my heart in. When I asked you what you would have done, and you replied “as hard as it would have been, and even though my fill would have disowed me, I would have tried. I would have a family with you. I love you”
I wanted to live with you. I wanted to marry you and have one more baby with you. I wanted us to be a family.
But when things got hard, you bailed. I was depressed. I hadn’t adapted to my new life after cancer yet. I need you to stand by my side.
But when I when in to get help…. You disappeared.
You started ignoring me. Took my plates while I was in the hospital. And when I came out and tryed to talk to you, you broke my heart into a million pieces.
I’ll never forget that day.
I’ll never forget how it hurt when you looked me.im the eye and said it’s not meant to be. I don’t love you. It was just. I have never loved you
Yeah I bugged on you late that night. And I don’t deny it was wrong. But the whysky got the best of me after sitting up crying half the night. I was hurt. I was deperate. I would have never got you in trouble. I just wanted your att ntion and for you too sit with me.to talk.
But you didn’t care about me. You ignored me when I was more hurt and scared than ever. While I struggle to give myself reason to push on, you where happy fuckin other guys living your awsome life with your awsome friends and family.
Mean while I stuggled. Economically and mentally.
My luck only gonna worse though. And I lost my place. I ended up homeless sleeping on the floor. Hungry. Alone. Sick.
As time when by I got sicker and sicker too. I knew what was happening.
I layed there for so many nights alone. Not a night when by I didn’t cry myself to sleep.
Several times I came.close to hanging. Buy at the last moment I’d break down because guilt to leaving my kids like this.
My kids. Who you’d been so good with. Who loved you so much. Who thanks to you calling the cops now I couldn’t see.
I crawled through the dirt though. And pulled through. Broken and emptier than before.
Then I when to the doctor.
I knew where this was going. And even though we still waiting on final results, I know what’s coming. I feel it inside of me like I did before.
Lately u started think of you again .
Not because I wanted to. But because everyone talks about you. My friends. Your friends. Even my kids still ask of you. I really didn’t wanna hear what you were doing. And I’m sorry I lashed out one more time.
But the pain I have inside still eats at me
Because I miss you. Because I still love you.
Because I have finally found an exit and I don’t get to say bey to you.
I’m not fighting it. I’m not gonna try to change faith again . For what? Second time I end here after a struggle like that.
I’m good. I dont wanna hope. I don’t wanna love again. I just wanna close my eyes and let the pain fade away for good.
I don’t have to take my life.
After so many years in this world I can finally rest.
I can finally forget all the murder and horrors I have seen.
Forget All the betrayal and bloodshed.
All the lonelyness and pain.
I can forget it all.
I can forget you. Because even though you made me feel the best I ever did, you also sank me so low I didn’t know how to stand back up.
I wonder if when the time comes you will come to my funeral. I wonder if then You will tell me you love me. May be that’s the best part of my eminant death. That for one day, for the first time ever actually, you will all stop and think of me. That you will realize how much I was worth.
That for once at least, I will be loved and missed. Even if just for a day.
I won’t commit suicide. I don’t have to.
I’m a dead man walking. And no I won’t fight. Because this is my ticket out.
Soon I’ll be a memory in the breeze.that blows through your hair.
for real this time. i have nothing left but a date. november 13. it has so much significance to me but to everyone else its just a day. the sun will still rise. the earth will still turn. nothing matters like i wish it did
I know that when I kill myself at last, I will regret it when it’s too late. I’ve heard that many suicide survivors feel that way and I can feel that I would be one of them. I would die in regret. But if, on the other hand, I do not kill myself, I will most likely still want to die for the rest of my life. Suffering a whole (“natural”) lifetime through. I’m pretty sure, but I’m not entirely certain. Is keeping on living worth the (most likely) suffering? I would probably experience some positive moments too if I continue with life but it is nothing compared to the pain. I know that maybe I should not try to weigh the negative against the positive in this situation, they are different from each other and if I die, my only chance to experience those positive moments would be gone no matter how much pain it “costs”.
If I killed myself, I would also escape from the painful loneliness that I have experienced my whole life to a complete loneliness (death) instead. It is very contradictory but the complete loneliness of death is painless, the loneliness of life is not. I am a 18 years old too sensitive girl without enough energy and with a lack of social skills (which I have denied until recently but I just never learn). I do not want to grow old, it would feel like accepting the situation, giving in, but killing oneself should not be a social gesture. It does not work that way.
Otherwise, I’m very tired of being human and having a human psyche. Psychological never-ending needs and subconscious processes that I do (not so uniquely) share with every human in the world. In fact, my self-confidence is not that bad, even though it is one of the main symptoms of depression. I don’t necessarily feel worthless but I think the world is meaningless which also makes me meaningless since I’m a part of the world.
Based on all I know, I shouldn’t kill myself because after all, I really have nothing to lose from living on. If so, it’s already lost and then there is no consequences to my past/earliest childhood which tbh I don’t want to erase in living on. I don’t have to die. But I don’t think I CAN not die. My brain is wrong-wired. I don’t succeed at anything anymore and it hurts so much mentally that I get hurt in my physical body and some days I can barely even walk. My instinct is to kill myself. Suicide is a strange phenomenon.
One last thing that pains me about suicide is how much I have struggled through my life to feel better. I have even lowered my hopes to be satisfied with just feeling almost ok but I still fail to find any stability in the almost-ok-state-of-mind. I have wanted and tried and fought and believed that it is possible to recover with all of my heart and pushed my way through disappointment after disappointment but my brain seems to be a hopeless case. Willpower and determination is not enough. I can’t handle this pain.
I apologize for my poor English (I skipped most days of high school but it was still too much for me /always exhausted)
I’m sorry. But you guys make living so tough. ~8 year old me.
Goodbye.~12 year old me
I always play the “am I going to die today or tomorrow” game. Tomorrow used to always win.
If I’m not alive in the morning,today finally won.~27 days ago,16 year old me.
The coin expressed that the time for waiting is over. I have not decided whether I will die today, but regardless a sign of the end finally arrived; I find that to be slightly more comforting than the thought alone of bleeding out. At least Hell won’t await me on the other side: I will finally be leaving it. I just hope a worse Hell doesn’t await me beyond this one. As for the rest of you, I hate all of you honestly; I really don’t want anybody to reply to this, and I hope it is deleted alongside this worthless throwaway account: This website itself is worthless, offering links to the likes of the Samaritans, which is great if you don’t want help, or anything at all. It’s great if a pat on the back and, “I also think you should kill yourself” is all you want to hear. It also offers links to the suicide hotline, which is great if you like being tied down for days at a time and tortured. I get why such segments exist for those stuck permanently in ideation, but do you think anyone who actually wishes to die cares at all about rules against expressing hatred, or that if they just call a hotline everything will be okay? I certainly hope you aren’t that stupid. Goodbye; if I’m lucky, I will never have to see a bastion of false hope like this one ever again.
I have written a variety of notes; I wrote personal ones to my close friends, but I decided to also write one for the general public, which I’ll post on my Instagram probably. Feeling really euphoric right now.
Hi, I am writing this out for all my friends to see. If I didn’t take the time to write something to you personally, I’m sorry, but also I was just too overwhelmed by the idea of sending something to everyone..please understand ?
I have decided to end my life today. I wish I had the words to properly convey WHY I am doing this. If you know me well, you’ll know that for as long as I can remember, I have dealt with some pretty severe depression and anxiety. But there aren’t any words sufficient enough to convey just how broken from the inside I am. Maybe this sounds dramatic, I don’t know. It takes me three times the effort to feel half as happy as others, though. Living like this for almost 20 years has been…. indescribably difficult. Like the whole world is weighing down on me.
Maybe suicide is “cowardly” but I guess that simply makes me a coward. I don’t want to be in pain anymore, and I really hope you will be able to understand this. Don’t look at my death as a negative thing. For me, it’s like being released. Freedom, peace. When I made up my mind to end everything, I can’t even describe to you how peaceful I felt all of a sudden. Just an overwhelming calm.
I am really worried that this will upset people close to me. I know death of a loved one is one of the most painful things you can experience. That knowledge is what held me off from doing this, for so so long. I was living not for myself, but for the sake of everyone else. I can’t keep going for the sake of everyone else’s happiness. I am sorry about that, I know it’s selfish. I am also going to selfishly plead something: Don’t do anything bad because of my death. I have several friends who also suffer from depression, and I want everyone to be looking out for them and making sure they do not hurt themselves. I don’t want anyone to be hurt because of me.
If you’re my friend/family member, and you’re reading this: I love you very very much and am so thankful for your companionship. Especially for the friends I have made in Korea, I am so grateful for you putting up with me. I loved it here, in Korea. I feel like some people are going to think “if she hadn’t gone to Korea, she wouldn’t have killed herself. She should have stayed home in Arkansas with her family.” Let me say this: If i hadn’t come to Korea one year ago, I would have died much sooner than today. This country saved me in so many ways, and I am thankful for that.
Please understand my choice. Please be happy for me. Please keep going. Be kind to everyone. Love you!
im better off fucking dead. i need to go, i need to
so i guess this is what my life has come to huh? sharing my suicide, more like my entire life story through the fucking internet yet again. im going to preface this by saying 1. dont come at me with pity. i dont want pity, im just sharing my story so at least someone knows 2. please dont come for kaleb or hate him, hes an absolute angel and deserves nothing but the best. i love him with everything in me, even now. 3. if you think you can help me in any way, just know that you cant. so many people have tried bc i reached out and every single one has had to stop talking to me because what ive said has led them to trying to kill themselves or seriously considering it (so far it’s been 8?? people including kaleb). just an insane amount of ppl that dont need to be involved have been. literally the only person that can help is kaleb, and he quite literally cant, ill explain why later. 4. i have osdd1a & bpd and im missing chunks of whats really happened to me throughout my life, i make theoretical guesses for most shit if i dont know.
okay this whole fucking mess started a long ass time ago, like shortly after birth. my memory isn’t good enough to tell an even guessed timeline but i know i was abused sexually, physically, and emotionally my entire childhood that my persecutor had to go through alone til middle school when i showed up n completely took over as host. i developed anorexia nervosa as well as ocpd around the same time. fast forward to 7th grade, i started chopping myself up, as any overly depressed n abused kid. i dont know if ive just always been this way or it developed from me but i tend to overly rely on one singular person to ‘save’ me and i have a course of action that my life needs to follow or else everything in my life is completely wrong and i end up in a huge panicky mess for months on end. it affected my school life insanely but silently. no one could tell that i was struggling until my parents abuse got to the point id come into school uncontrollably sobbing, around 8th, 9th grade. after that my teachers started getting a bit concerned and i met a couple people who were only interested in me because i was so fucking vulnerable. notably, alex. i dont have a lot of memories of him anymore, ive suppressed them with more drugs and alcohol than id like to admit, but fucking christ he was a predator. he IS a predator. i remember one of the first times i truly came to him, i dont remember the reason but i remember the feeling. he asked to meet in his car in the parking lot of the baseball fields, so we could talk and have privacy. little did i know he just wanted to take advantage of me. i had a boyfriend at the time and i was so fucked up from what happened, i couldn’t tell him. i didnt ever tell him what alex did to me. i dont remember how but somehow the entire school found out that i was ‘fucking alex’ and soon enough it got back to my boyfriend. i tried explaining but it was no use. i got broken up with because id been raped. he was the only thing protecting me from alex, the only barrier and he took it from me. alex started stalking me, showing up at my house, picking me up from places, finding me in school, no matter where i was he somehow always just… found me. i was never ever safe. i still dont know if i was just infatuated with him and needed someone to just fucking care about me and he took advantage of that, or if i was in love. i was 14/15, he was 18/19. i wasnt the only girl either, he was obsessed with another girl just a year younger than me. the summer after he graduated he left for basic training, him and this other guy, aj, about 2 yrs older than alex, had this thing. the other girl made alex and aj choose which girl they wanted and alex picked her. stupid to say but i was heart broken. i dont even know why. all he ever did was use me and hurt me. i dont remember that summer almost at all. the only true memory i have was aj driving me way out in the country, putting me in the back of his truck, giving me some voltage mtn dew to drink and watching trolls. i only ten the beginning and i passed out n woke up in my bed a couple hours later. i dont know what happened in between, nor do i wish to. my memory fades out till i met this kid named luis, through ifunny of all places. he was absolutely toxic. the worst narcissist id ever met to this day. he did so much shit to me despite never meeting me in real life. again with him, i dont know if i just needed someone to be near me or actually loved him, either way i needed him so badly. the more he hurt me the more i needed him and he knew it. he faked his suicide, forced me to be sexual with him, made me leave my girlfriend at the time, etc etc. since we knew each other through ifunny we ended up sharing my account, he was too paranoid to let me have my own. little did i know that through my account he had a side business of sorts. his kik was in our bio and i knew that but what i didnt know is that with his kik account he was pretending to be me. and while pretending to be me he faked my suicide to get more attention for our account as well as selling my nudes prior to that, i was 15. timelines are hard as fuck when you’re missing half your memories but this next part i remember so well, dates and everything. the only thing that keeps me semi sane these days. at basically the end of 2016, i was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. i was there for around 2 months, i’d say that was my absolute lowest point, excluding now. i was 15 and was ‘in love’ with a dude a couple states over. it wasn’t love, i can see that now, i knew it then as well but i refused to acknowledge all he did was hurt me. i made him the center of my universe and all he did was make me do sexual things with him, even when i didn’t want to and try to push me into doing hard drugs with him; heroin, coke, and meth usually. after being outpatient for a bit, we decided to skype a bunch. luis had a TON of friends, especially online and a bunch of them always wanted to meet me. i’m a pretty timid chick i’d say so it’s always taken a lot for me to get used to people so i was always sort of skeptical about talking to others, especially over the phone. but like everything in my life at that time, i did absolutely whatever he asked of me. november 13, 2016 (i’m extremely big on dates, i remember all of the ones i hold close to me), that was the very first time i talked to the love of my life. i’m using his actual name, as well as everyone elses in my life just for convenience, none of them will ever see this anyway. his name is kaleb. i was obviously very quiet during most of the call as it was a 3 way call between the guy i was with, kaleb, and i, and they both tend to talk a lot. every now and then kaleb would ask me questions, trying so hard to get me to join in on the conversation as well. the guy i was with would always talk over me when we were alone so he tended to do it when we were around other people as well without ever noticing so i rarely could answer the questions kaleb would have for me until he told luis to shut the fuck up and let me talk. i don’t know why that was so significant to me? he had such a softness while speaking with me that he didn’t have while talking to him. i wish i could dramatize it, but that exactly how it was. literally love at first sight for making me feel important for once, actually being listened to for once in my life. after that, i wasn’t allowed to talk to him, i’m guessing because the guy i was with felt threatened, like his power over me was tested. kaleb had a girlfriend at this point so it wasn’t even worth my time to try and get close to him, but i always missed him. a couple months passed without hearing from or even about him until one day the very beginning of may 2017. he had a suicide date (may 22) and luis made a suicide pact with him. death has never really affected me the same as any other person, i typically don’t really care when others die or say they want to or plan on dying, but this time was different. nothing scared me as much as the possibility of him dying, especially to suicide, which is still true to this day. i had to do everything in my power to stop it from happening and i had a little under 3 weeks. everything from that point is such a scramble in my brain because everything happened so fast. i joined their suicide pact and started talking to kaleb on a regular basis, literally daily. this was at a point and time where he didn’t have a smart phone, only an ipod touch and he didn’t really talk to any single person constantly, so it was a huge thing for me and probably him as well. within a couple days of talking on a regular basis, literally after a full week, he asked me if i was catching feelings for him. at the time i thought he was just calling me out since i was seeing his friend and i assumed he would’ve told him if he knew the truth, but i later discovered it was because he caught feelings too. i told him i wasn’t at the time, but a couple days later, i realized there was no point in holding back what i felt if we were all going to die anyway. may 13, i sent him a paragraph saying the following:
“i feel like one of those dumb fuckin romance movies like the notebook or some shit and i dont understand it. like everytime i think of you my heart starts beating fast and i get all happy and blushy and ahahhhhh. but at the same time im so sad because i can’t do anything. i cant like fuel my feelings towards anything and i get freaked the fuck out because i dont want you to die. i don’t know why you honestly mean this much to me and why im so attracted to you. i lowkey hate it. not because youre a bad person or because i don’t want to like you. just for the meer fact that i havent been able to figure you out. its probably why i feel so much for you, youre like, this mystery to me and i just wanna figure you out because everything ive seen from you is fucking amazing. we’re the same in a lot of ways, but i know thats not all of you. i feel like theres more to you, like the broken half, and i just want to know it and fix it so much because you dont deserve to be broken. you deserve all the happiness in the world and i just wanna see you smile and be happy. ahhh. im sorry its late and im writing everything that comes to my mind aNd i fEeL lIkE sUcH a GiRl, because this isnt like me. i fucking have butterflies and im smiling AND I DONT UNDERSTAND THIS BUT I LOVE AND HATE IT AT THE SAME TIME. i dont ever remember feeling like this about luis or anybody and it scares me so much because i dont know how to handle any of this. and im sure you dont know me well enough to know that i never cry. but seriously, i never cry when im sad. especially over people. but you see ive stayed up crying the last couple nights because i feel so much towards you and im so scared youre gonna do something bad to yourself. i just want to make you feel okay and happy”
and god was that the start of the best thing i’d ever done for myself. the paragraph was so fucking cheesy, over the top middle school type shit, but it’s exactly how i felt. after that, the suicide pact got called off. i told luis that we needed to take a break and started devoting all my time towards kaleb. we got closer and closer and started dating june 12, 2017. the next couple of months were absolute bliss, we still had a lot going on in our lives, but the support we had for each other was absolutely crazy. he had anorexia as well as a lot of the problems i do, and we both were basically recovered for so long. i was at my highest weight id ever been (150lbs, im 6’1″) and he stopped drugs and drinking, which was fucking amazing because he’s had a hard past too, but i don’t think it’s my place to share his story. but see, with me, nothing like that could last. starting around september, i started feeling extremely guilty, like i didn’t deserve something this good, not with everything i’d done in the past. at this point my osdd was for the most part hidden, my anp was the one with kaleb and has all the positive memories of him. as long as im relatively emotionally stable, i dont switch much. a lot of this portion she wrote awhile ago to fill me in. anyway, since i was unstable, istarted pushing him away and like any rational person he ended up leaving me not long after. i planned my suicide and suicide date (december 5th) because it was way too much for me to handle, it became a thing i just did. life’s too much? suicides the only option. just the fact that i had the one person i’d dreamt of forever, i literally had wrapped around my finger, just as madly in love as i was and i pushed him away like he was nothing because i didn’t feel like i deserved him, it was fucked and selfish. especially for that time period when nothing was wrong except for me. once he figured out as to why, i think he began to understand (unconfirmed so don’t take my word for it, i don’t know what was going through his mind). we ended up getting back together in november after an abundance of reassurance that i was the only one he wanted and i was good enough for him, he didn’t want anyone else. i really never understood what he was thinking during that time, we never talked about it fully, only little fights when it was bothering him. i wish i could understand but at this point it’s way too late to find out. all i know for sure is that it hurt him, and very badly. after though, it was back to the cupcake stage for us, back to absolute bliss. we were online this entire time and february 11, 2018 we finally met in real life. i traveled over a thousand miles just to see him for a week and fuck dude, it was the best week of my life up until that point. i got to kiss him (my first time ever consensually kissing someone), he was my first everything, always so careful with me and god it made me fall so much harder. we watched movies, ate out with his parents, played in the snow together, cuddled & stayed the night twice, attempted to smoke a little but i was a *****, i got to pick him up from school, meet his sisters, got some of his clothes, literally everything was so perfect. nothing could have gone better besides the fucked winter weather and leaving after a week. i cried the entire way driving back, nothing could beat the feeling of having his arms around me. once i got back home, everything was still absolutely perfect between us. nothing could separate us and we started to plan to move in together that summer, because it would’ve been a LOT less stressful on the both of us. my parents were pretty skeptical, as was his mom because we were 16/17 at the time. as it got closer to summer things started to get harder, finals and family issues had us both stressed to the max and it was hard for us to be there for each other. i kept on going because once summer came, once we could be together in real life, everything would be okay in my mind. like i said, nothing beat the feeling of being in his arms, to this day nothing beats that feeling. i was in europe for our anniversary, but i sent him a huge paragraph the day of so he didn’t feel like id forgotten about him. he posted the cutest thing for our anniversary and i wish i could show it here but what it basically said was thank you for everything, pulling him out of everything toxic he used to do, making him feel like he mattered, etc, etc. i think about it a lot, even now. and now probably the worst thing that’s happened, the real reason any of this happened. he cheated on me. and before you hate him for it, don’t. i knew it was coming, he was hurting, he needed me so badly, he needed SOMEONE. so he reached out instead of just hurting himself, which i’m so proud of him for. long story short, the people he reached out to took advantage of his vulnerability and trust, made him feel special, used him and then basically threw him away. i found out because one of the girls told me, just to rub it in my face. he called off moving in together, but we were still together and planned on staying that way. he cut them all off. i was told in the beginning of august and a week later i was there with him, halfway across the country yet again. see, i feel like i should’ve been upset or at the very least sad it had happened, but like i’ve said, nothing beats the feeling of his arms around me. i wasn’t even upset at this point, i had no reason to be. he on the other hand, was beyond upset at himself. i stayed the night with him every night and held him while he cried and apologized. i just held him and kissed him over and over and promised him everything would be okay, we would be okay. despite the nights, every day the week i was there was beyond amazing for the both of us. since it was summer there was a lot more to do, we went to his dad’s for a couple days, i met his ENTIRE dad’s side due to family reasons, we took walks at night, played at the playground, went to an amusement park in the pouring rain (by far the best day in my entire life, i think he’d agree), kissed and took pics in a picture booth, went back to school shopping for him, held hands around the mall. again, every moment with him was pure bliss. that was the best week of my entire life, and nothing can ever top it, especially now. we planned on getting married at this point, we had mostly everything planned out but he wanted to wait until he could buy me my dream ring before he officially proposed. we planned it to be october 12, 2019, he would still be in high school, but he never really seemed to mind all that much. annnndddd here’s where i fucked up, majorly. october 2018, after i had gone back home i started to overthink why he had cheated. i wanted to talk to him about how i felt, but every time i tried i could hear it hurting him. i know he didn’t want to remember it because he never wanted it to happen. he just wanted to forget it and move past it as did i, but my brain held on to it so hard. looking back right now, probably because i’m dissociated as fuck, i should’ve just talked about it. i should have told him when i got diagnosed with bpd&osdd. told him it was actually hurting me and i didn’t feel like i was competent. what was happening because i felt like i didn’t deserve him because i couldn’t be there for him and he had to seek support in others, strangers. i still feel that even now, hence why any of this is happening. instead of talking, i decided to push him away. much more extreme and harder yet more subtle. he deserved better than just me and i don’t want him to waste his potential. i deserve to be dead for everything i’ve caused, he deserved the world and i wasn’t there for him. i let him get hurt. it’s been an ongoing thing ever since. petty attempts to push him away, striking nerves with random things i know would hurt him and keep him away. a huge thing about kaleb with this situation and the ones before is that suicide is one of his biggest triggers. especially in those he loves and cares about. NOTHING in this world could hurt him more than that, so my fucking brain thought of this bright idea to make him hate me so it doesn’t hurt him nearly as much, possibly at all. so that’s exactly what i did. he left me in the beginning of may 2019. he said he couldn’t handle the constant abuse and fighting anymore. it destroyed me because deep down i want to mean enough to him that he could’ve figured out why this was all happening, but i simply don’t matter that much, or really at all. i know he truly does deserve better, i’m just selfish and in love and i need him so fucking badly. two days later he got a new girlfriend, evidently had to be part of the plan because if he had someone to fight for, there was a bigger chance he might not give up too, like the end of the suicide pact in 2017 almost. he finds a reason to keep living. i tried to make him move on fast based off of what i learned when he cheated, if he’s in a bad and very stressful situation, he’ll search for support and move on very very easily. and it turns out, that’s exactly what happened. he’s found much better, and he’s happy with her now. although he was still talking to me at that point, he has completely moved on. he has absolutely no desire to be with me ever again or even be friends. i spoke with his girlfriend so she would understand it was absolutely crucial that she kept him safe, she couldn’t let him die too, i think she understands it more now after seeing how it affects him. ive had the entire summer to think it over. hes cheated on his girlfriend so many fucking times for me. little flings because i need him and there’s still a huge spark. i just hurt him and i know i hurt him more and more everyday. he’s said so much recently about how he wants me dead, how everything would be better if i was. i love him so much. it’s not the same as anyone else ive known. i legitimately love him and want to make him happy no matter what. if me being dead is all it takes, then why wouldn’t i? he deserves the world and all i want is him. its been months of constant hurting i just want him. its not even his fault its just me im too fucked always. i dont know who i am or how to function. i truly believe some people arent meant to be alive. i truly believe im one of them.
i hope kaleb will be as okay as he says he will be. i love him so much i can’t even explain it. i was going to drop his @ so ppl can check up on him after but its pointless. hes gonna move on. i just want to go back but everything’s gone now. unfixable. im unfixable. everything’s unfixable
Speaking from the heart comes with the utmost difficulty for me, there are things I want to say but not enough comes out or at least what I believe needs to come out. Some things are morbid to the point of the law getting involved but it’s the truth about me. Everywhere I go whether it be home work or school, everyone around me is so oblivious to the darkness, absorbed by their own happiness, you can truly see it in their eyes just how unscathed people are, and I mean the majority of people. They believe that things are meant to get better or compared to us some have it worse, it’s make believe to think that people understand each other and I’m not interested in being better or above those who have it worse. Reality is that there exist the broken and the unbroken, the world wouldn’t be the way it is unless the two existed and I can honestly say that if your reading this, you’re in the minority like me, it takes strength to constantly resist suicidal tendencies, it’s proof that your strong enough to do it. As I grow older my phases from intense lows to high manias continues to increase and for the worse. I’m tired of trying to resist my truth, I was never loved, I never took chances, no one truly sees me, I’m inadequate in everything that I am, I have no interest in mattering in this life because I never will, my only attempt to reach god was for my desire to be with someone that isn’t tangible, a fantasy that’s wrong and twisted, but most of all I’m tired of seeing everyone happy around me while I wallow in this hell of my own creation. The light phenomena was what I named my last lucid dream, I laid on a hammock in some valley cut off from the world, it was late evening and stars gleamed in a way that only a dream could portray and the air was cool, but my breathing was clear and steady, I could breath for the first time, I was free there, but only a dream, not here. It’s not enough, I still don’t believe that I can say everything, I’ll die empty handed with a silent voice, my reality and my truth
Between the line of fear and blame you begin to wonder why you came…
A lyrics from The Fray, How to save a life.
I’ve been bullied when i was in grade school and it was the scariest thing a little girl have to go through.
Highschool was a lot of fun, except things from family starts to jump out.
I started to appreciate the songs Perfect and Welcome to my life by Simple Plan… Its really the lyrics that made me close to the music. It embrace me to bed.
Boulevard of broken dreams by Green day came in my playlist, That’s when i realize my friends don’t understand me.
Now im in college and life fcks me up so damn much that it made me numb…
I’m depressed since i was a kid, when i was sixteen suicide thoughts came right in… now im twenty, i feel exhausted. Breathing is getting harder that i think it can choke me. Anxiety attacks are much worst cause my heart palpitates rapidly and it kinda hurt.
I hate everyone. They made me like this. but sometimes i think, maybe i made myself into this.
I’m actually scared to live,
and I’m actually scared to die.
I’m tired. I am screaming inside. I breakdown almost everyday and different time.
My depression and anxiety are my demons. I hear their voices, in the morning, afternoon, evening… they don’t seem to get tired at all.
Some people told me; “You need to be strong”, ” God will help you, just pray”, “Be positive”, ” There’s always a rainbow after the rain”, “You’ll get better soon”… It easier to say things like that but it doesn’t really help. It doesn’t work that way… It made me think, I had a bad life and they have a good one. They’re lucky.
My depression and anxiety have become a part of me for the past i dunno since i was nine? and until i die i have them with me… They’re my friend and my enemy.
In case your reading this, i don’t need someone to help me or to fix me, I just need people to stop breaking me.
13 October 2019
To those who are here; to those who are gone,
As my life finally leaves me it is my hope that you know one thing beyond any doubt. Our search for peace does not end nor does it begin… it is everlasting, without hope of it ever coming to a conclusion. Darkness has a tendency to follow what casts a shadow and we are no exception. To think, the more light one tries to shine on something the darker everything seems to be… why?
All of my life I wanted to change into something better; something special, but… the most important thing to me was left untenable… and truly unchangeable.
For the people that were in my life I bid you farewell. I do apologize for what my death has caused you to feel, but… I believe this was the right choice to make, in the end. My heart goes out to the one I fell in love with. I am sorry things between us did not work out… it was my fault, till the very end. Goodbye, Isabella… I will not forget what you have done for me.
“Mayst thou thy peace discov’r.”
Alyce Jeanette Kidder
I’m a NEET for 3 years, I was a programmer, but for some reason, I lost any desire to do programming after I slipped and hit my head. I had depression for a long time, and I’m too poor to visit psychiatrist so I don’t know how to fix it until today. Today is my birthday, so all my relatives “celebrates” it while I locked myself in my room. I felt sick that despite I’m being worthless, my parent still buy lots of food and invites their friends. I’m planning to kill myself by hanging tomorrow, since it’s quite a nice date (10/10). I might adds sedatives overdose and dehydration (already 2 days) to makes sure it felt a bit more peaceful and alleviated strangulation pain. I tried sedatives before, fell asleep after 3-5 mine but ends up puked up everything after 30 mine unconscious, should be plenty of time until asphyxiation occurs. I’m not sure why I write this, but I guess it calms and gave me strength to actually did it.
Its 8:22 PM on a Wednesday night. October 2 2018
I thought Id make it to my 16th birthday. Nov 3.
but im about to share my biggest bully. and really the one person who loves me no matter what. myself
im 15 , slender and toned, 5’10, and bleached damaged hair. im obsessed with the 80s-90s. and I want to become a journalist/ clothing designer. I wanted to be anything that I wanted. I truly believe that anyone can be anything. or at least myself.
im a sophmore in high school , im well known I guess you could say. everyone wans my life. or want to be apart of the craziness. I just took half a bottle of sleeping pills so Ill speed this up lol.
im not known as the gay kid or the cute light skin with pretty eyes. im more of a placeholder for everything. like I said I don’t know what I want from this world. everyone knows this. at least I hope I think.
I was odviaslly bullied about my sexuality , but it only lasted about 2 months of my 8th grade year.so needless to say I live a so much better city than most people in the south. I am not dying for revenge. im not dying for pityness which will probably come to my mother after news spreads. im dying to live. I’ve never been to New York or las angelous or how ever you spell it. but I want everyone to take a look at what I could’ve become. everything and anything. I slipped up and it was on me. I caught myself slipping and had to do it. im going insane in my own head.
I wonder what it would be like after death. nothing. absoluetly nothingnesses. im just a carcus that need to be eaten. my brain. ME. my pure self is about to the best moments of my life as I fall asleep here. and then.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Hey. What’s up. I’m James. I have had a long period of suicidal issues. It started with loneliness, then the cutting, then saying ohhh I’m gonna do it. But as I grow older the loneliness part went completely away. I have so many people in my life constantly but I just don’t care. They just use me as a means of pleasure. Damned if you do damned if you don’t type situation. Yeah its how it is. How do I deal with it. Chemicals. Just some weed. It helps a ton but then it doesn’t because I can’t use it forever. Or maybe I could but I just can’t figure it out. I constantly tried to find an escape. Make the abuse of being used stop. Make my job stop. Make the payments stop. Make the rent. Stop. This is what would make me happy. Others not profiting on me. I have dreamed of finding a large boat and filling it with food and farms and all the stuff that I enjoy. Probably a pinball machine. And just sailing away. Of course I would build these things and never make anyone else do it. anyways Then I would be alone and nobody could ever bother me again. I could just sit and work for myself and my needs like food and fishing and silly things I think are funny. I have had the privilege of doing so much. And it made me worse. I don’t wanna be fancy. I don’t wanna be exclusive. And I don’t want sex. I would like to rest. A very deep rest. I have never seen or heard of a situation that warrants so much effort. A nice thing takes a lot of work. And the work is so hard that if I didn’t have to do the work then I would gladly not have the thing because then I could just rest. I feel I have little energy left. My power levels are low. I feel that I am at the center of a crazy government abuse scheme. My wife was raped and they didn’t do anything. Her brother died very young. Her parents can’t get legal documents to work. My aunt killed herself. My family who is privileged wastes are their money on boats, pills, and houses. My parents work for a college in texas thats primary funding come from depression pill manufacturing. They say, oh you’ll get better, you’ll get disability, you need to try this because there is something wrong with you. Oh and I get a huge cut from youre insurance and pharmacy bills. Oh and all the rent goes to a guy thats just sitting next to you in the same type of apartment accept he gets you to pay for his space. Wait its his house on the hill now. Gets paid to tell the poor foreigner to fix your pipes. Yeah. great. Wish I could do that. not wait maybe. u fucking nazi. This is what I faced and this is what killed me if I died. Others. I don’t belive anyone has ever commited suicide. It was done to them. Well maybe out of guilt or something but thats hardly ever the case. And even then. Why would anyone hurt others if they werent hurt first. Whats to learn from this? The people who are looking have zero power to even control their own lives let alone all this. Yeah IDK. I personally love this site because it feels like. Oh you can tell the world is bleeding too? Cool at least we can talk. At least we can feel each other existing.
Its be a while I guess
There was so many thing I would have wanted to say to to but I couldn’t
I cant bear to loose you I guess
I was afraid
But now im not here
I guess its only fair and right for you to know these
I loved you
I always have
I know there were never a us
So I try my best to treat you well
Hiding my dark side from you
Try to be a good friend
Have you as a part of my own little family
But good thing can only last this long
Im getting tired
And in those long sleepless night
I thought about you
You never were alone
You never will be
Your family were never with me
It was with others
Always has been
You trust them more then you ever will trust me
You think about them
You never belonged with me
Your heart never stayed
Not for a beat
Knowing that I have tried
Gaven you all I have
Its about time
About time for me to realise that I have been wrong
In my heart, in my memory
You never were here
You never belong here
You never were in love
You never saw me more then just a friend
You always have better friends
You always have someone to turn to
There will always be someone for you
And I hope they will be there for you as I have been
I do admit I have rely on you for a while
Its because I have never had someone that I can rely on
Not with my soul and my heart
You have always been kind to me
And I ve relised it is indeed time for me to let you go
On your marry way
To where you belong
To those who you left your heart and trust
And it is indeed time to let me go
Where I won’t hurt ever
Some say there is an afterlife
I would say that the afterlife is the memory that I left behind
It is where you
Where my friends
Think I will go
Where you be the judge
I will be alone
I always have
I wish I could hold you one more time
Where I was just a kid
Where I didn’t understand
Didn’t understand what happens felt like
What saddens was
Where holding you in my arms were the only thing I crave
Where a hug
A kiss made me feel high
Im sorry and good bye
I really do wish you find them
Find the one
love . li
I have a bully. And they’re really f#%kin mean.
My bully wants me dead.
My bully is called me.
I vaguely remember feeling alive. Like things were actually happening. Things mattered, I thought things through, but then one day somewhere my mind woke up. “Oh f@$k I can think”. It was all downhill from there. I deteriorated slowly at first. Little realizations. “This doesn’t feel right.” “I was only 8”. Minutes and hours with my mind consumed by the things that went wrong before. Dwelling on the trauma that I didn’t understand until the beginning of The Collapse. The doctor says I need pills. We’ll try Dexmethylphenidate, we’ll try adderall. Whatever it takes to get this miserable kid to focus. But the medicine doesn’t control what I focus on. I become fascinated by the smallest distractions. My attention enamored by a twinge under my skin when I move my thumb at a 12° angle. The slightest negative thought sends me spiraling. Staring at the wall. “I hate you. I hate you. Die. Useless. Worthless. Garbage.” Morphing into “you should have stopped him you useles f¿»k. You just watched.” Blades running across my skin. 5 the first time. 15 the next. A downward spiral steadily following along the pages of The Collapse. Escape. I need escape. Run away to Germany for a year at 16. Forced to come back. School is «So Important». “My cousin abused me.” “The neighbor raped Em and I”. Words I finally can speak. But the words are stamped down and tossed into the waste basket by those who are supposed to love me no matter what. My livelihood morphs into a gray. A mistiness befalls my once so adventurous eyes. Everything is silver and nothing matters. Get a job. Quit it three weeks later. Cry all the time? Whatever. Nothing has a purpose. Certainly not me. Even if I did what does it matter if I have no reason for myself to get up in the morning. Run away again the second I turned 18. The Collapse is a cliff. I know it’s started but I’m on a downhill slope towards the waterfall. The inevitable. 3 attempts. Can’t even kill my bully right. “Let’s get you a therapist.” Oh no you forget to find me one for the 13th time. I’m so surprised. What can a therapist do anyway. Turn back time? How funny. Do you know how hard it is to find a job where you’re respected despite the fact you were born in the wrong body? It’s near impossible. Why was I born? To even out any happiness that may have been let loose into the world. My miserable being is to fulfill a suicide statistic. Maybe not today. Maybe tomorrow? I’ll find a good day. Things are muddled. My pages glued together. A great Shakespearean tragedy so thick it’s not even worth writing out anymore. All that I love is far. I am friendless. Disgusting in the eyes of the world. An abomination. Poetic. Whatever. Gone.
Hi, I’m new here. Let’s cut to the chase, I’m a college student have been struggling with this stuff for a while. I’ve got in trouble two times in college for drinking the last 2 weeks. I’m never going to make the same mistake again but I can’t live with my pain plus this all going on. It’s going on my record and I can’t bear it anymore. This struggle of mine has been going on for years and it’s only made it worse. I feel alone and scared but I’m finally ready after all these years. How do I write my note to be most sensitive to my parents and siblings. That’s the last thing I finally care about anymore. What can I say to let them know it’s not their fault. It’s my doing, my choice and it’s going to happen.
My fate was sealed on Wednesday 28th August when a govt psychopath took away the last bit of autonomy I had.