I’ve been considering ending it all. The first girl I ever opened myself to has left me. She helped me through abuse and sexual assault. I’m a male and never talked about it to anyone. To keep her I broke my family and my relationship with them. I had three mentors, all in February took their lives one after another. My girl left me on Christmas eve, right after I came home from MEPS to join the army. I passed but now I wished I didn’t. It’s difficult when shaving to not just slice my neck. I shave with a straight razor. I may stop just to limit my chances. It’s difficult. I want to help people in the world and being a combat medic is what god is calling me to do. But the pain just hurts and I have no way to express it. I don’t want to do it but my time is limited and I hurt and I don’t want to hurt emotionally anymore. This year has been up down only. Found what was the love of my life, PTSD from abuse returns, Finally work through it, Mentors take their lives, get through it and build bonds with her parents, I fail high school because I got sick and depressed. I finished school but didn’t walk. Its been up down and I just cant keeping going anymore. I don’t know when I’m going to just finish it but it may be soon and I’m scared. I’ve been having chronic dreams and night terrors that keep me up at night. My family and my girl being raped and skinned alive to much worse. I cry every time I wake up.
My Suicide Note
I have depression since I can remember. As a kid went through all sorts of family violence and abuse (being sexual the only exception I think). an alcoholic father, 2 much bigger siblings that used to bull me and beat me real bad sometimes… (It’s ok, I Don’t blame them anymore. I feel like they had their own issues as well…) No one to talk to or ask me what was wrong… Alone at home. Alone at school… Running to uncles and neighbors whenever my dad freaked out and tried to kill my mom, sleeping on couches. Never having a place… feeling like total stranger no matter where, at bat spot, bad time, like a terrible and random accident.
Happens so, I never had a treatment and this brought me a trauma that I carried on to adult life. It damaged me. I should have taken care of myself so much better .. :’/
Every time something wrong happened, I Just felt the trigger… every thing was like life telling me: “what are u doing? You shouldn’t even be here”
I never had a social life. Every single person I met was from college, work and stuff like that. My life was always like talking to cousins, rarely going out, from home to work…
I had some teen and adult short relationships in life, people came and went away, people that I could not really talk to. They wouldn’t understand. I knew the problem was me. Those people just looked beautiful and normal. I’m not a normal human being. Always knowing that nobody would trully understand me, and know what is like to have those Memories that “I shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t have been born” even as little child I asked myself why… Grabbing my dad’s gun and thinking about suicide.
Life went on, but my pains did not get away. With every fall and deception was like life reminding I shouldn’t be here… Wrong spot, worng time, wrong planet, I feel like an extra terrestrial to this very day.. And at the hardest times, the Idea of a rest feels like the most reliable one. Yeah, nobody “out there” really knows how depression is…
I had couple years ago one single person that embraced me as I am. Loved me for what I was. She also didnt have much, no family, she bet all she had on us… I had a chance for a fresh start, but I messed up terribly. I hurt her. I gave her nothing but disappointment. I failed her.
I could have made everything different.
People think about the chance of life, the job of life, the love of life…
I commited the mistake of my life…
I get up and back to bed feeling guilty for what I did.
Well, I’m so tired… I’m done. And I can’t take not having a single ordinary sleep anymore… Or not feeling the taste of food or a good glass of water. I can’t be here anymore.
I only have 2 people in the family that love and care for me, my mother and my sister in law… God, please, forgive me, but I will have to hurt them big, this time though, It is not a mistake. It’s just running out of choices.
Mom, Sand… I’m sorry. I just can’t. I hope you understand.
Thank you, everyone. I love this site, helped me a lot.
But now I must leave, just lost all my hopes, have no other choice.
See you up there, see you next life, thank you, friends.
Today is the promise day..
Merry Christmas and Better New Year everyone !!!
I dont know will today be the day or not
But let me say this
Lets meet again next year !!!
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
You also must be ‘smart’ especially in terms of knowing how to make money. And often times, that also means you also have to be opportunistic, follow the system & rules (just like everybody else), even be cunning, sly, ruthless, brash, full of tricks, greedy, selfish, ready to step on other people who are ‘weaker’ (eg: poorer, etc).
Money is everything in our modern society today, unfortunately. It’s all about money nowadays. And if you can’t beat the system, then you have to join them. Everyday you are forced to survive, or for survival. And if you’re not strong enough to follow the system/rules, then too bad, either you will lose, get left out, get sidelined, trampled, kicked in a dirt, become a loser or failure in society, or you will die because you can’t survive.
Maybe life is just not for everyone. Maybe some of us are not meant to live in this world, society, existence, or whatever it is. Maybe it’s all really random and nihilistic, ie: some will live, and some will die. Just like ants, some will survive, and some will be killed, can’t survive, got unfortunate/bad luck, and die.
Life is depressing. Society is depressing. This world is depressing. Even all this whole existence thing is just depressing, mundane/boring, very limiting, sick, pointless/meaningless (for some people who really realize it), and honestly, everything is just so stupid.
I’ve managed to screw up everything good I had going and turn it all into a bunch of fucked up shit, like always. I’m shit at my job, and I accidentally fucked some shit up because I’m too fucking stupid and cowardly to ask for help. I’m too much of a coward to speak to my college advisor and schedule my classes for next semester. I’m going to fuck up my French final because I am too fucking stupid to understand which verb tense to use and I’m apparently fucking too incompetent to even understand the review. I’m too much for a close friend of mine to deal with, and I’m already so much of a burden to him. My parents don’t want me, but all the same, they want to come see me for a little while during the break. I moved 13 hours away so I could avoid them; they abused me for years, and now that I’m out of the house, they want to pretend like they care about me, and I want to crawl right back to them like the spineless attention-goblin that I am. My roommate hates me and would be significantly better off without me.
I think I’m intrinsically inferior to everyone. I’ve thought that even since before my parents started severely abusing me, so it’s not some dumb trauma thought that I should be able to dismiss. I’ve known since the beginning that I’m subhuman. I’ve never been the protagonist of my own life; at best, my most important role was as the antagonist. I’m so overwhelmingly and inherently selfish, and I hate that, so I fight as hard as I can against my nature. That’s all I’ve ever been able to do, fight against what is natural. I’ve fought for so long that I don’t even know what natural looks like anymore. It’s not even much of a decision for me to make anymore; everything has led me to this. There is no other way my life could’ve gone; this is necessary.
And that’s why I’ll be gone soon. I’ll finish finals, since I don’t want to stress anyone else out before or during finals week with my suicidal bullshit. Right after finals week, though, I’m going to find a day I don’t work and overdose and bleed out in the bathroom of the nearby gas station. My crude life is only deserving of a crude death. I’ll do my best to bleed out over the toilet so as not to make a mess for the worker. I know my suicide is selfish, but I was always selfish. All I can do is end that selfishness and try to be as kind to everyone as I can about it.
I’ve bought Christmas presents for my siblings and friend; they deserve nothing but the best, but I was never able to give them anything of quality. Hopefully they’ll be alright, but I’m too selfish to stop because of that. I’m sorry.
I think my life had an expiry date. It was long ago. I’ve gone off, become sour; nothing is as it’s supposed to be. I’m the forgotten milk in the fridge, the leftovers left to mould in the oven, the forgotten tin in the back of the cupboard. I’m existing because I haven’t died yet.
I cannot see a future. Sometimes I imagine it, make it up in my head but it feels like a story. It has an edge to it, like it’s CGI in a fairytale film.
People would miss me if I die. If I was able to disappear, it would ruin people’s lives. This adds a whole new dimension that I am unwilling to deal with. This is what prevents me from taking action. But I’ve reached a breaking point; I wasn’t supposed to live this long. Some people are not cut out for life. I have no survival instinct. I want to give up.
When I fail, I feel it deeply. When I succeed, I don’t feel it at all – this happens so rarely, it’s not much of an issue.
How many times can I feel that my world is ending before it actually does?
For some weeks now I have begun the steps to ask for my assisted suicide. It’s something permitted in my country for psychological reason. I guess that some of you will then guess what country it is. I don’t want any comments on my posts if possible.
I’m sorry my posts won’t certainly be very well written and it won’t be very… how can I say that… liquid in the way that ideas will come as they arrive in my head. So be nice please.
I just want to leave my trace. I don’t need any comments or anything alike. I don’t seek for empowerment or pity or that you try to convince me that life is worth living. I just want that you take my memory with you if it’s not too much to ask.
Of course yes people around me will have my memory too yes . That’s true. I can’t deny that.
But they don’t know me for the most part. Most of them knows that I’m not doing well in my head since I’m a teenager but they don’t know how deep it goes. They don’t and can’t actually understand it. But nevertheless it’s written all over my face. Some of my ex-girlfriends told me that it was charming, what «my eyes were saying… such a cheesy thing to say my gosh^^ so moronic too actually. They clearly didn’t know what they were talking about.
But so all those people won’t get the memory of my true me. So I want you to have it. I want you to keep it. To remember it from time to time.
Actually nearly nobody knows about my administrative steps yet. Only 3 people knows among the 20-30 people who I actually have contact with regularly. None of them are my family members. I don’t really have a family anyway. None of them would actually understand it. Nor understand when I don’t feel well.
In French littérature there is this female author: « Delphine de vigan ». She had written a book about her family and about her mother more specifically. At the end of the book, this is not a spoiler since from the beginning you know she had a very difficult life, her mother kill herself. Before doing that she tried to phone Delphine but she was very busy if I remember correctly, and so she was a bit distracted on the phone. So the call was very brief, but something was off. Her mother clearly wanted to hear her voice one last time. She wanted to say goodbye… and again just by thinking about it I’m crying… how stupid am I, really^^ Her mother kept fighting until the end, she had a lot of psychological problems, way more than me and way less superficial than mine. Real illnesses. But no matter what, she kept fighting. For her children. Until they were old enough.
So after a few days after this phone call, Delphine was a bit worried. She found her on the floor of her empty apartment. Suicide by pills.
Some time after that or the same day I don’t know anymore, she encountered the female psychiatrist of her now dead mother.
Can you guess what the psychiatrist told her ?
« Your mother was a really brave woman. I don’t know how she kept fighting for so long. »
I think that’s the most beautiful thing I ever read or heard about someone. In this world of indifference, this world of self centrism, at least one person did recognize and claim her courage…. recognize that it couldn’t go otherwise… recognize that it was the only possible outcome and that’s totally fine because she kept fighting until the end. Until she couldn’t. Until she had no more energy to give. It’s so … I don’t know how to express my sort of gratitude to this psychiatrist. I would really like that someone could say that about me when I’m gone.
It would be so ….
I can’t find a word… adequate to describe what I feel about this woman.
Well I’m in the same position today. I’m not able to sustain anymore the hunger of energy of this world. I can’t do it. I’m not that strong. I’ve kept fighting for 16 years now. From my 18 to my 34 anniversary now.. Maybe even more because I’m sure I was not already diving before that.
I’m sorry I just can’t no more. I don’t know why I’m apologizing for. You don’t know me after all. But I feel like I have to.
I’ve done nothing with my life. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried I can assure you. But nothing did come through. Maybe I’m using you as witnesses, maybe as tribunal of some sort. Anyway I’m sorry. I know that people are suffering much more than me. I’ve traveled a lot. I’ve seen the world like they say. I’ve seen plenty of poor places. The slum of Rio, Mumbai, Shanghai,… I can always remember those faces that I’ve seen around the world. Among them, in India, Mumbai or was it in Jaipur, this little girl who was so pretty. She must have been 7-9 years old. She was the cliché of what you can imagine of the poorest people on earth. We couldn’t talk about clothes at that point, but she had that face and that beautiful smile… Maybe my father has still her photo somewhere. She was asking money at a crossroads with her little brother.
I’m sure she is/was suffering a lot more than me. I’m guilty. Guilty of laziness. Guilty of uselessness. I’m sorry because of her. I’m sorry to not have her courage. I’m sorry to not have been able to exchange my place with her. She deserved so much better than me what I had in my too long life already. I’m sorry to fail her in a way. I have no excuses. I’m just a useless piece of Meat. I have literraly nothing in my history that could justify my death today. And I’m sorry for all that.
I would have wanted to do so much things. To help so much people. But I just couldn’t. I’m just nothing.
But again I can assure you. I tried ! Really ! Please believe me. It’s all I have left in this world. The hope that you would believe me. I’m so sorry… If only you knew, if only you could see how sorry I am.
I would so much want you to be able to touch my arm and feel everything I felt, see everything I’ve tried, how hard I tried…. Please believe me.
Of course I could explain to you, with my 10 years of psycho-analysis, why it all ended up here. But in the end, there is still no valid excuse for me asking to the society to put me out of my misery. I didn’t experience a trauma because of an accident or a murder or something alike. I didn’t experience an addiction. Etc etc nothing like that no. Just life. A life of failures for sure but just life in the end.
I’m just a wrong-brain. A bad neuronal schematic. An error that should have been corrected long ago.
And I’m sorry. Sorry for the people who keep fighting where I’m not. Sorry for those I will probably cause some pain. But I know that in the long run they will be happier without me. I’m a real burden. I know you can’t realize that but I can assure you. It’s real. Several people are expressing to me just that actually. My father, my Mother, my Sisters, some of my professors, some really close friends either,… And yes I’ve never worked. Like a real legal work for a long time. You can imagine how my life is just useless. And yes I still even try to study and have Follow courses even so I don’t have the intellectual ressources to do so.
The 13 décember I have my first meeting with a new doctor that will have the authority to tell my general doctor that my suffering is for real. I really hope he will get it. Because if not, I’m screwed.
I’ve tried to kill myself several times but never had the courage to go through the end. I’m afraid. Afraid of everything, of pain mostly. I need someone to help me and I would prefer that it would be a doctor. Someone who just understand my abyss of being a loser, someone who can accept that people can’t bear equally the suffering, someone who acknowledge the need to end a life.
I have a whole plan how to tell everyone that I’m gone. It would be after I’m dead. A video for each and every one of them. A bit like in this Netflix tv show “after life”, so not 13 reasons why. I want them all keeping something of me. A part of me that would have been only between me and them. A way to say that I’m sorry. Also things that I never had the courage to say to them. Good things mostly. Maybe some bad things too. Some things that hurt me at the time. I just want to try to make them understand. Make them understand that it wasn’t really their fault, it was more that I was unadequate for this world.
I have too much hope for this meeting. I’m so stressed out. I don’t know what to expect really. During the mean time I need to face all my failures every day more and more. Because of course you need to prove that you continue to fight. Because nobody is supposed to not wanting to live. But every day is more and more difficult because every day I have new challenges in my courses that I can’t solve of course. And it’s been like that for 16 years. Failures after Failures.
To be truly sincere with you all, I’m lying for a couple of years now to most of the girls or people I meet in general on dating apps or otherwise. After having been honest for most of my life time. I am not anymore. I’m lying about what I own. I’m lying about money. I’m lying about my past, about what I do. I invented a whole life. That too is exhausting actually.
Some of you I’m sure experienced the same thing. Everything change when you lie. People look at you with more respect. They actually care for what I’m saying now. They actually listen. I let you imagine how lonely I was when I wasn’t lying.
Now it represents 85%-90% of the people I know. I keep the same lie for everyone of course. It’s simpler, less chance of an error.
For that I’m not sorry. People made me do it. For that I’m angry to the world. Maybe some to some of you too because maybe you are part of those kind of those people. If I have been accepted the way I was, if people were reliable with me, that I could count on them, that they would accompany me every step of the way if I had to change, I wouldn’t have done it.
It’s also part of why I want to end it now. I don’t want to live in a world like this. It’s a choice that I’m putting out there.
It’s not something which is going to change. One of the 3 people who I have said to my will, is a psychologist. She told me that the system is not going to change so it’s maybe me who need to adapt…
Well sorry but no.
I’m not doing that. I’ve made my whole life efforts that cost me all my Energy. To be accepted, to be loved, to get a job, to be accepted in some courses even. Sorry but no more.
And even, what’s that supposed to mean ? If I still need to change after everything, then where my personnality is going ? What is the limit ? Why is it worth living a life where actually my personnality is in question ?
And if I want to extrapolate on that, it’s the same for psychopaths, pedophelia, serial killer,… I know that it wouldn’t be in their neurological pattern to ask for euthanasia. But if for any reason one of them would ask for it, I don’t see why they should be refused to get that right.
It is not a society for them. And it’s their personality who is in question. Their innerself.
Well it’s the same for me. I don’t see the limit where it will not be asking of me to change something. That means my personality is not adequate to this society. Well this needs to stop. So just let me go already.
That’s why I’m stressed for this appointment. What if he says no. That I’m not qualifying for that right. It would mean that society is not agreeing to have my personality around, but at the same time it won’t authorize my termination… You see how tricky it is. And I feel really desperate for that.
I’m so tired. Just help me end it, that’s all what I’m asking after all.
I hope the higher power who sent me here can hear me. If not, then the universe will. I gladly told them to fuck off. Yes, and it felt good. I just don’t want to be here man. Already thwarted on my first suicide attempt and now I’m in my head is just torture. The depression is getting worse. It happens little by little then one day you just cant feel anymore. I’m going to hurt people if I cannot make my way out of this shit hole without inter-fucking-ference. Please kill me…
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
It follows that as Death stands at my door — or rather as I stand before Death’s door knocking madly — that Existential Dread creeps into every thought like so much metaphysical graffiti.
These last few dark days the Serenity Prayer has been drifting in and out of my head. I always read those words as an uplifting call to soldier on in Life. Now I see a different meaning: Free Will. Only the Self can truly possess the wisdom to know the difference between the courage to change and the serenity to accept.
So why after a lifetime of playing the fool does my heart feel so bad in choosing the wiser path? Until it comes to me: Of course this is the rub, that Free Will comes with a price and when we have to roll the hard six that choice does not feel serene.
The suicidal are young and old. We come from all walks of life, all races, all genders, all religions or none at all, some wealthy and successful by first-world capitalistic definitions, some in poverty, some physically healthy, others in psychological distress and still others with terminal diseases.
I am certain we possess at least this one single thing in common with religion: The battleground inside and outside of ourselves over right and wrong, good and evil, light and dark — the unbearable anguish of the soul.
Who is anyone to insist that the choice to remove that pain be taken away? As humans we believe in the unalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. If we have the right to our own lives, we have the right to our own deaths. If we are not free — if we feel imprisoned whether it be by a corrupt system of governance or by our own minds and penchant for self sabotage, we have the right to free not only ourselves but those around us who are always having to rescue us by picking up the pieces of our broken existence. If we cannot pursue happiness, it seems cruel for the rest of the world to force us to be miserable by going on living (and by extension cause the ongoing misery of others in our lives).
In this I suppose that I do condone suicide. But with the most severe of caveats that ending your own life — and for that matter the life of any self-aware entity — is not to be taken lightly. If after understanding that your death will cause grief and pain for years to those who love you, you still see it as the only choice left, then let it be finished.
Our way of life is rapidly disintegrating. Forests and farmlands are burning. Waterfront cities and towns are flooding. The polar ice caps are melting. Animals, insects and plants are going extinct in mass die-offs. Our ecosystem — one that stayed in balance for millions of years — is fast collapsing. Yet we meander through our lives, mired in fantasies of power and greed and lust, even as our world is being destroyed. This is a metaphor for my own life; blindly and selfishly stumbling from one debacle to another with no real comprehension of the consequences of my actions until it is too late.
Preparations have been made; everything is set up and waiting. My last sunset will be in 45 minutes. Will it be astonishingly beautiful? Will it be mundane? Will it be obscured by cloud cover? All this ruminating puts my resolve on shaky ground.
But I have already made my choice. It is the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make, given the finality of it all. As I write this my heart is pounding (and breaking!), my stomach is in hagfish knots, my eyes are filled with tears in the rain, and my skin is slick with a cold clammy sweat. My terror is paralyzing.
Yet I shall go. I shall go believing that in Death I will not be the deadbeat burden that I was in Life. I shall go knowing that my final act to put an end to the pain and shame of my existence is sadly only the beginning of a world of bewildering pain and grief for my family and friends. I shall go not knowing whether Death will be Sweet Oblivion or whether it will be some version of the Hell in the Afterlife.
Will Someone or Something have mercy on my soul? Do I even have a soul?
I know that when I kill myself at last, I will regret it when it’s too late. I’ve heard that many suicide survivors feel that way and I can feel that I would be one of them. I would die in regret. But if, on the other hand, I do not kill myself, I will most likely still want to die for the rest of my life. Suffering a whole (“natural”) lifetime through. I’m pretty sure, but I’m not entirely certain. Is keeping on living worth the (most likely) suffering? I would probably experience some positive moments too if I continue with life but it is nothing compared to the pain. I know that maybe I should not try to weigh the negative against the positive in this situation, they are different from each other and if I die, my only chance to experience those positive moments would be gone no matter how much pain it “costs”.
If I killed myself, I would also escape from the painful loneliness that I have experienced my whole life to a complete loneliness (death) instead. It is very contradictory but the complete loneliness of death is painless, the loneliness of life is not. I am a 18 years old too sensitive girl without enough energy and with a lack of social skills (which I have denied until recently but I just never learn). I do not want to grow old, it would feel like accepting the situation, giving in, but killing oneself should not be a social gesture. It does not work that way.
Otherwise, I’m very tired of being human and having a human psyche. Psychological never-ending needs and subconscious processes that I do (not so uniquely) share with every human in the world. In fact, my self-confidence is not that bad, even though it is one of the main symptoms of depression. I don’t necessarily feel worthless but I think the world is meaningless which also makes me meaningless since I’m a part of the world.
Based on all I know, I shouldn’t kill myself because after all, I really have nothing to lose from living on. If so, it’s already lost and then there is no consequences to my past/earliest childhood which tbh I don’t want to erase in living on. I don’t have to die. But I don’t think I CAN not die. My brain is wrong-wired. I don’t succeed at anything anymore and it hurts so much mentally that I get hurt in my physical body and some days I can barely even walk. My instinct is to kill myself. Suicide is a strange phenomenon.
One last thing that pains me about suicide is how much I have struggled through my life to feel better. I have even lowered my hopes to be satisfied with just feeling almost ok but I still fail to find any stability in the almost-ok-state-of-mind. I have wanted and tried and fought and believed that it is possible to recover with all of my heart and pushed my way through disappointment after disappointment but my brain seems to be a hopeless case. Willpower and determination is not enough. I can’t handle this pain.
I apologize for my poor English (I skipped most days of high school but it was still too much for me /always exhausted)
I’m sorry. But you guys make living so tough. ~8 year old me.
Goodbye.~12 year old me
I always play the “am I going to die today or tomorrow” game. Tomorrow used to always win.
If I’m not alive in the morning,today finally won.~27 days ago,16 year old me.
The coin expressed that the time for waiting is over. I have not decided whether I will die today, but regardless a sign of the end finally arrived; I find that to be slightly more comforting than the thought alone of bleeding out. At least Hell won’t await me on the other side: I will finally be leaving it. I just hope a worse Hell doesn’t await me beyond this one. As for the rest of you, I hate all of you honestly; I really don’t want anybody to reply to this, and I hope it is deleted alongside this worthless throwaway account: This website itself is worthless, offering links to the likes of the Samaritans, which is great if you don’t want help, or anything at all. It’s great if a pat on the back and, “I also think you should kill yourself” is all you want to hear. It also offers links to the suicide hotline, which is great if you like being tied down for days at a time and tortured. I get why such segments exist for those stuck permanently in ideation, but do you think anyone who actually wishes to die cares at all about rules against expressing hatred, or that if they just call a hotline everything will be okay? I certainly hope you aren’t that stupid. Goodbye; if I’m lucky, I will never have to see a bastion of false hope like this one ever again.
I have written a variety of notes; I wrote personal ones to my close friends, but I decided to also write one for the general public, which I’ll post on my Instagram probably. Feeling really euphoric right now.
Hi, I am writing this out for all my friends to see. If I didn’t take the time to write something to you personally, I’m sorry, but also I was just too overwhelmed by the idea of sending something to everyone..please understand ?
I have decided to end my life today. I wish I had the words to properly convey WHY I am doing this. If you know me well, you’ll know that for as long as I can remember, I have dealt with some pretty severe depression and anxiety. But there aren’t any words sufficient enough to convey just how broken from the inside I am. Maybe this sounds dramatic, I don’t know. It takes me three times the effort to feel half as happy as others, though. Living like this for almost 20 years has been…. indescribably difficult. Like the whole world is weighing down on me.
Maybe suicide is “cowardly” but I guess that simply makes me a coward. I don’t want to be in pain anymore, and I really hope you will be able to understand this. Don’t look at my death as a negative thing. For me, it’s like being released. Freedom, peace. When I made up my mind to end everything, I can’t even describe to you how peaceful I felt all of a sudden. Just an overwhelming calm.
I am really worried that this will upset people close to me. I know death of a loved one is one of the most painful things you can experience. That knowledge is what held me off from doing this, for so so long. I was living not for myself, but for the sake of everyone else. I can’t keep going for the sake of everyone else’s happiness. I am sorry about that, I know it’s selfish. I am also going to selfishly plead something: Don’t do anything bad because of my death. I have several friends who also suffer from depression, and I want everyone to be looking out for them and making sure they do not hurt themselves. I don’t want anyone to be hurt because of me.
If you’re my friend/family member, and you’re reading this: I love you very very much and am so thankful for your companionship. Especially for the friends I have made in Korea, I am so grateful for you putting up with me. I loved it here, in Korea. I feel like some people are going to think “if she hadn’t gone to Korea, she wouldn’t have killed herself. She should have stayed home in Arkansas with her family.” Let me say this: If i hadn’t come to Korea one year ago, I would have died much sooner than today. This country saved me in so many ways, and I am thankful for that.
Please understand my choice. Please be happy for me. Please keep going. Be kind to everyone. Love you!
Speaking from the heart comes with the utmost difficulty for me, there are things I want to say but not enough comes out or at least what I believe needs to come out. Some things are morbid to the point of the law getting involved but it’s the truth about me. Everywhere I go whether it be home work or school, everyone around me is so oblivious to the darkness, absorbed by their own happiness, you can truly see it in their eyes just how unscathed people are, and I mean the majority of people. They believe that things are meant to get better or compared to us some have it worse, it’s make believe to think that people understand each other and I’m not interested in being better or above those who have it worse. Reality is that there exist the broken and the unbroken, the world wouldn’t be the way it is unless the two existed and I can honestly say that if your reading this, you’re in the minority like me, it takes strength to constantly resist suicidal tendencies, it’s proof that your strong enough to do it. As I grow older my phases from intense lows to high manias continues to increase and for the worse. I’m tired of trying to resist my truth, I was never loved, I never took chances, no one truly sees me, I’m inadequate in everything that I am, I have no interest in mattering in this life because I never will, my only attempt to reach god was for my desire to be with someone that isn’t tangible, a fantasy that’s wrong and twisted, but most of all I’m tired of seeing everyone happy around me while I wallow in this hell of my own creation. The light phenomena was what I named my last lucid dream, I laid on a hammock in some valley cut off from the world, it was late evening and stars gleamed in a way that only a dream could portray and the air was cool, but my breathing was clear and steady, I could breath for the first time, I was free there, but only a dream, not here. It’s not enough, I still don’t believe that I can say everything, I’ll die empty handed with a silent voice, my reality and my truth
Between the line of fear and blame you begin to wonder why you came…
A lyrics from The Fray, How to save a life.
I’ve been bullied when i was in grade school and it was the scariest thing a little girl have to go through.
Highschool was a lot of fun, except things from family starts to jump out.
I started to appreciate the songs Perfect and Welcome to my life by Simple Plan… Its really the lyrics that made me close to the music. It embrace me to bed.
Boulevard of broken dreams by Green day came in my playlist, That’s when i realize my friends don’t understand me.
Now im in college and life fcks me up so damn much that it made me numb…
I’m depressed since i was a kid, when i was sixteen suicide thoughts came right in… now im twenty, i feel exhausted. Breathing is getting harder that i think it can choke me. Anxiety attacks are much worst cause my heart palpitates rapidly and it kinda hurt.
I hate everyone. They made me like this. but sometimes i think, maybe i made myself into this.
I’m actually scared to live,
and I’m actually scared to die.
I’m tired. I am screaming inside. I breakdown almost everyday and different time.
My depression and anxiety are my demons. I hear their voices, in the morning, afternoon, evening… they don’t seem to get tired at all.
Some people told me; “You need to be strong”, ” God will help you, just pray”, “Be positive”, ” There’s always a rainbow after the rain”, “You’ll get better soon”… It easier to say things like that but it doesn’t really help. It doesn’t work that way… It made me think, I had a bad life and they have a good one. They’re lucky.
My depression and anxiety have become a part of me for the past i dunno since i was nine? and until i die i have them with me… They’re my friend and my enemy.
In case your reading this, i don’t need someone to help me or to fix me, I just need people to stop breaking me.
I’m a NEET for 3 years, I was a programmer, but for some reason, I lost any desire to do programming after I slipped and hit my head. I had depression for a long time, and I’m too poor to visit psychiatrist so I don’t know how to fix it until today. Today is my birthday, so all my relatives “celebrates” it while I locked myself in my room. I felt sick that despite I’m being worthless, my parent still buy lots of food and invites their friends. I’m planning to kill myself by hanging tomorrow, since it’s quite a nice date (10/10). I might adds sedatives overdose and dehydration (already 2 days) to makes sure it felt a bit more peaceful and alleviated strangulation pain. I tried sedatives before, fell asleep after 3-5 mine but ends up puked up everything after 30 mine unconscious, should be plenty of time until asphyxiation occurs. I’m not sure why I write this, but I guess it calms and gave me strength to actually did it.
Its 8:22 PM on a Wednesday night. October 2 2018
I thought Id make it to my 16th birthday. Nov 3.
but im about to share my biggest bully. and really the one person who loves me no matter what. myself
im 15 , slender and toned, 5’10, and bleached damaged hair. im obsessed with the 80s-90s. and I want to become a journalist/ clothing designer. I wanted to be anything that I wanted. I truly believe that anyone can be anything. or at least myself.
im a sophmore in high school , im well known I guess you could say. everyone wans my life. or want to be apart of the craziness. I just took half a bottle of sleeping pills so Ill speed this up lol.
im not known as the gay kid or the cute light skin with pretty eyes. im more of a placeholder for everything. like I said I don’t know what I want from this world. everyone knows this. at least I hope I think.
I was odviaslly bullied about my sexuality , but it only lasted about 2 months of my 8th grade year.so needless to say I live a so much better city than most people in the south. I am not dying for revenge. im not dying for pityness which will probably come to my mother after news spreads. im dying to live. I’ve never been to New York or las angelous or how ever you spell it. but I want everyone to take a look at what I could’ve become. everything and anything. I slipped up and it was on me. I caught myself slipping and had to do it. im going insane in my own head.
I wonder what it would be like after death. nothing. absoluetly nothingnesses. im just a carcus that need to be eaten. my brain. ME. my pure self is about to the best moments of my life as I fall asleep here. and then.
Its be a while I guess
There was so many thing I would have wanted to say to to but I couldn’t
I cant bear to loose you I guess
I was afraid
But now im not here
I guess its only fair and right for you to know these
I loved you
I always have
I know there were never a us
So I try my best to treat you well
Hiding my dark side from you
Try to be a good friend
Have you as a part of my own little family
But good thing can only last this long
Im getting tired
And in those long sleepless night
I thought about you
You never were alone
You never will be
Your family were never with me
It was with others
Always has been
You trust them more then you ever will trust me
You think about them
You never belonged with me
Your heart never stayed
Not for a beat
Knowing that I have tried
Gaven you all I have
Its about time
About time for me to realise that I have been wrong
In my heart, in my memory
You never were here
You never belong here
You never were in love
You never saw me more then just a friend
You always have better friends
You always have someone to turn to
There will always be someone for you
And I hope they will be there for you as I have been
I do admit I have rely on you for a while
Its because I have never had someone that I can rely on
Not with my soul and my heart
You have always been kind to me
And I ve relised it is indeed time for me to let you go
On your marry way
To where you belong
To those who you left your heart and trust
And it is indeed time to let me go
Where I won’t hurt ever
Some say there is an afterlife
I would say that the afterlife is the memory that I left behind
It is where you
Where my friends
Think I will go
Where you be the judge
I will be alone
I always have
I wish I could hold you one more time
Where I was just a kid
Where I didn’t understand
Didn’t understand what happens felt like
What saddens was
Where holding you in my arms were the only thing I crave
Where a hug
A kiss made me feel high
Im sorry and good bye
I really do wish you find them
Find the one
love . li