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F.M.L.

by CARLOSPEJUAN
written by CARLOSPEJUAN

Today OI’m actually kind of sad. MAN FUCK THIS WORLD. I just had to buy an expensive car that lord know how I’m gonna pay for due to my roommate needing rides. I wish I was already in a good place in life where I could afford this but the truth is that I’m not. Literally don’t know where else to post this. OH and as for the old car it took a big old shit on me and my life. FUCK PATRICIA ( MY OLD CAR) the repairs will cost me about 3500 plus 600 for a miss fire she has. So I need to get rid of the *****. IDK how. Nobody’s buying cars and IDK where I can dump it to just let that be someone else’s headache. I hould have sold her sooner. Too bad

i didn’t know better. Ignorance is a sad thing. Take it from an idiot. I am so stupid and easily used. I just wanna disappear now. honestly fuck my life.

As for the song. Today all the good girls go to hell. Fuck me, fuck EVERYTHING.

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Chronic PainMy Suicide NoteStories of Loss

Infinite Regret

by EmbalmedHeart
written by EmbalmedHeart

There are so many events that stain the soul,

That create a mental prison of infinite pain and remorse, a chasm in my mind deeper than Mariana’s trench.

How does one undo their own terrified actions wrought with the confusion of age and inappropriate exposure?

How does one reconcile all the feelings of self hatred for things they don’t understand and didn’t.

How do you live with yourself even though you attempt to define your moral compass with the utmost ethos possible.

How do you live with yourself?

How do you ever come to accept yourself as a person with any value whatsoever with a past that burns like a million fire ants all biting simultaneously. That sting when you breathe, that cannot be fixed by self harm,

That drives you to take your life because if ever you could hurt anyone you don’t deserve to live. Where you refuse to waste others money on your own confinement because taxation could be better spent on roads, on medication for the poor. How could one ever be so fucking selfish that they deserve the world taking care of them if they are so corrupt they don’t deserve the automatic rhythm of their own heart beat.

When the depths of hell have buried them into ones mind, it feels as though light is impossible. It feels as though the regret is an undertow drowning you, consuming you, pushing you to take your own life not for fear of punishment but rather because it becomes a preponderance of how one can want to dedicate their existence to helping others and yet have ever possibly hurt anyone. How any pain ever can never be let go of through a myriad of examinations of conscience. To preserve such duality is insanity.

To preserve such contradiction is madness.

You wait and wallow in the ashes,

You sit waiting and begging G-D every day to strike you down by lightning for you feel you are unworthy of even his love.

It is as if my insides and memories are leperous boils that fuck up all that you care about. And you’d gladly drink bleach, or hemlock or arsenic because you’d find it completely unkind to waste the world’s time. How can you live when you feel like even your own shadow hates you too.

So long ago there was a moment of perfection as the mind evolved to a point of defining morality. And you seek every day of your life to be a protector, a savior, a hero. To slay the demons that torment your mind every waking second and fill each breath with an abundance of fiberglass, and slowly you suffocate. And slowly you feel yourself dying tormented by things you can’t change, and regrets you can’t fix. And you stand on the ledge and you calculate your terminal velocity and absolute maxima force and try to decide from that ledge if you can promise it ends.

That it is instant. That your suffering lasts a femtasecond.

That the last time you were ever to relive another horror that no matter how long you live you can never forgive or forget or move forth from your past.

You wish

you wish you had the fucking balls to jump.

You wish you had the fucking bravery required to end it all. And then you think about the people it would hurt.

Those you care most about in the world and you remember the 7th circle of hell is full of suicides. And for a moment your antipathy of self peaks at zenith.

And you feel so dead inside that the jump would be redundant. And you cry. Because it feels there’s nothing left on earth to console your sadness. That a doctors pill is a bandaid on a broken spinal cord. And you ask yourself why couldn’t you have been smart enough to know better. Why couldn’t you have just understood and known. And it makes you hate yourself a million times more for being so fucking socially retarded. And you just want it to be over. You beg G-D. You pray. You pray for others. You feel so broken that you just want the world to end your life for you. That you would lie down gladly like they did at Babi Yar. And accept the bullet to the head.

All copyrights reserved not my image I claim no ownership of this image under the millennial act.

7th Circle, wood cut, based on Dante’s inferno

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I’m not in Hell, I feel it

by Todamnbad
written by Todamnbad

Arthritis is one hell of a injury. I have had two finger surgeries if anyone has read my posts through out the community. It delivers a shockwave of pain through your nervous system. I have freak injuries. One day I woke up, nothing unusual happened, but when I woke, I was in a tremendous amount of eye pain. I lost bottom muscle of your eye, which is suppose to hold eye in your place but now it sits on top of the bone socket, and hurts like a living hell. I saw two eye doctors, no big specialist, they count diagnose me. I know for a fact I have osteoarthritis in both my fingers from the in juries and surgeries. I have had hand tremors before as the pain overwhelmed my body. I have something to fibro fog, where you can’t even think or focus, because all your mind is feel absolute pain. I’m unfortunately one of those people who had a failed suicide attempt that worse their life. One of the fears people do have on this site. If you know you can’t follow through, don’t make your life more miserable. I slit my wrist pretty deep, trying to find that artery. I stopped and cried for help, which is what most people are looking for, not death. That has cost me more pain in that wrist as I did need like 5-6 stitches. My latest injury, because life will never whooping my @$$. I had a freak accident, I was carrying a laundry basket full of heavy shit, I carried it leaning against me above my knees because its an easy carry. I some how flexed my knee cap and smashed it up against the bottom of the heavy box. Talk smashing your knee is freaking painful as hell. My life is hell. Thats the only I can desrcibe it anymore. Pain has robbed me from every living a normal life. I thought I was going to escape my childhood of abuse to live happy and normal. Boy I was wrong, stupid injuries after injury. Now, I feel like a crippled, the amount of suffering and agony I’m in, is beyond words. I think about death and suicide everyday. For me, this a result of, I can’t my life back. I can’t go back to work and feel normal. I can’t socialize and feel normal. I have scars now, that won’t ever heal. One of my favorite analogy of pain. A man takes an axe and swings at the tree. The man will grab wood off its limbs and return to his life. The tree remembers forever. You can’t forget pain, that will never leave. Time can’t heal wounds when the scars will never heal and ultimately, you can’t forget and move on from something, if your body can’t forget. If my life ever gets worse, I have to die. There’s times, where life gets so miserable, suicide is reasonably a solution, if you’re terminally ill. I feel that way, yeah my scars wont kill me, they sure as hell make me wish I was. What doesn’t kill you, doesn’t make you stronger, it makes you wish you were dead.

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GeneralStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Ten years ago and counting

by ladicius
written by ladicius

I’ve been suicidal since I was twelve years old, the first time I was hospitalized for an attempt. Maybe it started when I was eleven or ten; it gets fuzzy as the years pass. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I and CPTSD – the double whammy of extreme proportions. I thought that when I stopped doing drugs, started taking medication, started exercising, left my abusive relationship, started my transfer to a prestigious university, etc. etc. a million.. I thought these feelings would leave me. I thought that the traumatic memories, the extremes of mood, I thought that they would all disappear. Here I am, the poster child of “managing it” and I still here the chitters of flashbacks, and am on the roller coaster of polar opposites. I try to rationalize and have done everything in my power to heal. How am I supposed to stop my brain from destroying myself when it seems like that is its only prerogative?

I can’t tell anyone. I feel my voice caught in my throat because of the reactions I’ve previously experienced when I’ve opened up about my mental health. So I decided to come here. I think some of you might understand where I’m coming from. I wish that none of you could relate. When I was a child I hoped that I could take everyone’s pain because I knew what it felt like. I know that’s not the case here. I know that all of you have stories just like mine, so I knew that I would be safe here. My mouth refuses to speak, so I hope my hands are enough.

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Lost vent

by CARLOSPEJUAN
written by CARLOSPEJUAN

And again it dawned upon my mind ( aka I had the epiphany that) I just lost my job because if my mental illness. And I sucked long before I was gone. I am now literally and legally crazy. Who will want to hire me? Who will want to date me? I wonder this and so much more. Will I ever study what I want to learn? Will I be good at it or will I have to give it up for something easier? Something different, something more at my “capabilities”. All I want in this world is to be a geneticist. Why must I be so dumb and lazy. Why did I have to be schizophrenic? I just lost my job because of it… And it’s never coming back. Hopefully this is a lose you to love me type of deal. Hopefully there is a better future in store for me. I didn’t know who to talk about this to.

 

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“Life is a gift! Live, laugh, love! You only live once (YOLO)! Thank God! Life is beautiful!” etc etc. Well, not really. Wake up and open your eyes to reality.

by niki
written by niki

Only those people who are lucky & fortunate in life who can loudly say that life is a gift. The reality is, not everyone is fortunate. In fact, most people on this planet live in pain & sufferings just barely enough to survive. And then, even if people live in the first-world developed countries like in U.S or Europe for example, there are ironically still people who are depressed, and even suicidal/commit suicide. If life is a gift, like most people nowadays keep saying, then why all those reality exist? The only answer I can think of is: it is human’s nature perhaps for (most) human beings to always want to keep surviving (the survival mechanism), and therefore, they need the optimism bias (especially the most prevalent today with all those motivational & self-help industry); even if it’s at the cost of ignorance (“Ignorance is bliss”), simple-mindedness, naivety, being oblivious, selfish, shallow, superficial, and lacking empathy (in deep way), and honestly speaking, stupidity.

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ordinary

by venus.
written by venus.

i first found out about ‘suicide forums’ when i was reading from a (shocker) suicide book. i quickly looked at the website, convincingly telling myself it was out of curiosity. closed the tab as if spending any more time on it would spread to me and infect me. it did. it became something i did a lot. reading through pages and pages of people and their thoughts. ironic to see so many alone people feel alone together. at this point i wouldn’t say i’m sad, i’m still. i wish i could write about how everything has messed me over. i feel drained, empty, tired of feeling out of place.  i am fearful i will feel like this my entire life, unsatisfied. i sound spoiled. there’s nothing wrong with getting married, having kids, buying a house. it is too predictable. is there a point where i ‘learn to grow up’ where i realize everyone feels this way but just ignores. settles. i don’t want an expensive car. i don’t want a big house. i don’t want followers. i want to be someone. hypocritically i write on a suicide website. this is my problem. i can’t choose whether i want to change the world or take myself from it. different parts of the brain. i feel myself becoming more hopeless. be someone. be known for your kindness. impact people. you’ll never be anyone why try, end it before you’re in too far. i am so scared of ordinary. i’m scared my fear of ordinary will make me ordinary.

i am so privileged. the guilt is eating me up. ending it is cowardly but people would get over it. life moves on. people eventually move on.

17, venus.

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Life sucks and then you die

by niki
written by niki

Some people are lucky; Some people are not.
The more you learn about this world and society, the more you will realize that Life is random (chances), and yes, Life is not fair. Reality is depressing.

Most people who still always keep saying that “if you work hard, you will be successful!” are naive, ignorant, and simple-minded typical “optimistic/positive/happy-go-lucky” people you always see everywhere. And even for those people who realized it and therefore said that what’s important is to “work smart”, it also usually often means to be sly, cunning, opportunistic bastards who are too often selfish, pricks, ruthless, cold, heartless, and only care about certain shallow things like money, profits, power, position. And sadly often for the vain reasons.

There are often far too many challenges, obstacles, and also bad people who lurk just around the dark corners to eat you up, use you, trick you, manipulate you, etc etc you just name it. That’s why usually the truly good people, and the genuinely smart, wise, and idealistic, visionary type of people who have truly great and noble ideas for the progress of the world are often crushed, and losing out to the selfish, vain bastards and pricks of the world and society that I’ve just mentioned above. No wonder there are many stressful, sad, depressed, and suicidal people all around the world/planet.

This world is a shithole. Humanity is sadly not that great. Life is often disappointing. Society is sick. Existence is (mostly) just a meaningless, stupid, and pointless pain and sufferings until you die.

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Soul Cancer

by cloud
written by cloud

yes, this shit is a soul cancer, depression is even worse than body cancer, it kills your soul , and once ur soul is dead, u are dead even if ur body keeps moving. and thats where we start thinking of commiting suicide cuz thats the only option we see, we are dead, so we want to kill the only thing left which is the body.

that bing said , i hope i dont reach that stage , am getting worse evveryday but am trying to fight back even tho i lose most of my battles vs depression, anxiety, overthinking and negativity .  i am having these shits since 2016. its been almost 4 years and i am dying slowly.  I AM SLOWLY GIVING UP. 

those motiviational videos in youtube, its all bulshits , yea full of shits , Fuk them and Fuk society.

i dunno if i am gonna make it out of this one day, Dont know, maybe… or maybe i will end up like other souls , killing that last thing alive.

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Family & Friends EffectsStories of Loss

At Least

by freeroma
written by freeroma

At least he’s not suffering, in pain.
At least he doesn’t have to worry anymore.
At least he’s not here to pay witness to the next worst thing, wonder what else could fall apart. He doesn’t have to prepare or feel himself disintegrating. At least he doesn’t have to grieve his self.

At least he’s not here anymore, because he couldn’t heal and he didn’t deserve to rot alive, to feel every betrayal of his body.

At least he was. loved, cherished, looked after. Not alone even through dark nights of the soul. Forgiven when he fell.
At least he was.

For all that was, now he is surely missed.
GNU, because I miss you and you’re part of my living fabric. Because I miss you and I missed you while you were here.
At least.
At least I met you.

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Life is not fair

by niki
written by niki

Life is not fair

Some people are lucky,
Some people are not

Some people live a successful & happy life,
Some people fail miserably & even commit suicide

Everything is just only a random chance

The universe doesn’t care
We are just only a tiny little speck of dust in this vast universe

Nothing matters.

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1115 Days…

by JCITM
written by JCITM

One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe.  It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence?  Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening.  The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to.  When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces.  You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park.  There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children.  Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been?  Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life?  Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy.  One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment.  Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults.  Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine.  They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel.  Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed.  I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier.  Continue to rest in peace.   

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To grow up and being an adult (adulthood) is overrated and depressing

by niki
written by niki

When we grow up into being an adult, often we are pressured to be “realistic”. But at what cost? Too often, especially when you’re not ‘lucky/fortunate’ enough, all this whole “adulthood” and “grow up” things just turned us into a jaded, weary, bitter, cynical, apathy, limited, empty, cold, sad, & depressed person/individual..

The young, youthful, carefree, freespirit, creative, lively, happy, & dreamy/dreamer “child” / “childhood” in us often times slowly have died.. as we grow up into being an adult..

And for many people, it also usually means that we have to “let go”, or to be more honest & real, I would say that we are being pressured to kill our dreams..

Reality is cruel, cold, disappointing, very limiting, mundane/boring, stupid, pointless/meaningless (often times), & depressing.. especially for some of us who have fully realized it & wake up to the harsh truth.

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Shadows in my mind and heart

by Indianagav
written by Indianagav

I’ve been considering ending it all. The first girl I ever opened myself to has left me. She helped me through abuse and sexual assault. I’m a male and never talked about it to anyone. To keep her I broke my family and my relationship with them. I had three mentors, all in February took their lives one after another. My girl left me on Christmas eve, right after I came home from MEPS to join the army. I passed but now I wished I didn’t. It’s difficult when shaving to not just slice my neck. I shave with a straight razor. I may stop just to limit my chances. It’s difficult. I want to help people in the world and being a combat medic is what god is calling me to do. But the pain just hurts and I have no way to express it. I don’t want to do it but my time is limited and I hurt and I don’t want to hurt emotionally anymore. This year has been up down only. Found what was the love of my life, PTSD from abuse returns, Finally work through it, Mentors take their lives, get through it and build bonds with her parents, I fail high school because I got sick and depressed. I finished school but didn’t walk. Its been up down and I just cant keeping going anymore. I don’t know when I’m going to just finish it but it may be soon and I’m scared. I’ve been having chronic dreams and night terrors that keep me up at night. My family and my girl being raped and skinned alive to much worse. I cry every time I wake up.

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It is what It is…

by JohnDoe88
written by JohnDoe88

I have depression since I can remember. As a kid went through all sorts of family violence and abuse (being sexual the only exception I think). an alcoholic father, 2 much bigger siblings that used to bull me and beat me real bad sometimes… (It’s ok, I Don’t blame them anymore. I feel like they had their own issues as well…) No one to talk to or ask me what was wrong… Alone at home. Alone at school… Running to uncles and neighbors whenever my dad freaked out and tried to kill my mom, sleeping on couches. Never having a place… feeling like total stranger no matter where, at bat spot, bad time, like a terrible and random accident.

Happens so, I never had a treatment and this brought me a trauma that I carried on to adult life. It damaged me. I should have taken care of myself so much better .. :’/

Every time something wrong happened, I Just felt the trigger… every thing was like life telling me: “what are u doing? You shouldn’t even be here”

I never had a social life. Every single person I met was from college, work and stuff like that. My life was always like talking to cousins, rarely going out, from home to work…
I had some teen and adult short relationships in life, people came and went away, people that I could not really talk to. They wouldn’t understand. I knew the problem was me. Those people just looked beautiful and normal. I’m not a normal human being. Always knowing that nobody would trully understand me, and know what is like to have those Memories that “I shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t have been born” even as little child I asked myself why… Grabbing my dad’s gun and thinking about suicide.

Life went on, but my pains did not get away. With every fall and deception was like life reminding I shouldn’t be here… Wrong spot, worng time, wrong planet, I feel like an extra terrestrial to this very day.. And at the hardest times, the Idea of a rest feels like the most reliable one. Yeah, nobody “out there” really knows how depression is…

I had couple years ago one single person that embraced me as I am. Loved me for what I was. She also didnt have much, no family, she bet all she had on us… I had a chance for a fresh start, but I messed up terribly. I hurt her. I gave her nothing but disappointment. I failed her.

I could have made everything different.

People think about the chance of life, the job of life, the love of life…

I commited the mistake of my life…

I get up and back to bed feeling guilty for what I did.

Well, I’m so tired… I’m done. And I can’t take not having a single ordinary sleep anymore… Or not feeling the taste of food or a good glass of water. I can’t be here anymore.

I only have 2 people in the family that love and care for me, my mother and my sister in law… God, please, forgive me, but I will have to hurt them big, this time though, It is not a mistake. It’s just running out of choices.

Mom, Sand… I’m sorry. I just can’t. I hope you understand.

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Stories of Loss

Christmas

by Kirka
written by Kirka

I’m always afraid of christmas. Something bad always happen in this date. It started when i tried to kill myself, some years ago… But this year… 2019 has being an impossible year. Only sadness. Only losses. And now my best friend, which supposed to be with me to give me some strenght, just left me behind. Probably because she was afraid of a relationship with me. She just can’t understand that all i want is some happiness back. She was my light. Now she’s gone, i just don’t know if forever. If it sounds ridiculous for someone there… well… i can’t do nothing.

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Being a good and nice person is not enough

by niki
written by niki

You also must be ‘smart’ especially in terms of knowing how to make money. And often times, that also means you also have to be opportunistic, follow the system & rules (just like everybody else), even be cunning, sly, ruthless, brash, full of tricks, greedy, selfish, ready to step on other people who are ‘weaker’ (eg: poorer, etc).

Money is everything in our modern society today, unfortunately. It’s all about money nowadays. And if you can’t beat the system, then you have to join them. Everyday you are forced to survive, or for survival. And if you’re not strong enough to follow the system/rules, then too bad, either you will lose, get left out, get sidelined, trampled, kicked in a dirt, become a loser or failure in society, or you will die because you can’t survive.

Maybe life is just not for everyone. Maybe some of us are not meant to live in this world, society, existence, or whatever it is. Maybe it’s all really random and nihilistic, ie: some will live, and some will die. Just like ants, some will survive, and some will be killed, can’t survive, got unfortunate/bad luck, and die.

Life is depressing. Society is depressing. This world is depressing. Even all this whole existence thing is just depressing, mundane/boring, very limiting, sick, pointless/meaningless (for some people who really realize it), and honestly, everything is just so stupid.

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Whats the worst?

by Unsheard
written by Unsheard

If I went back to who I was, what is the worst that could happen. The old me was so happy just living. Yet for some reason i’m scared of being normal again. It’s been years since I was happy just being alive and going through the motions of life. Then it took one girl to unravel my life, that’s bullshit and I know it. Still there’s something holding me back…

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is this hell?

by someonehelpmedie
written by someonehelpmedie

Unfortunately, my life was never in the worst.

There was always someone more unfortunate than me. I used this reasoning to shame myself on not being happy. I was mentally and physically abused my brother for 5 years. And my parents closed their eyes and ears when I asked for help. My sister made fun of me for being abused. He chocked me punched me when something was wrong. When no one else is home he kicked me out of the house and did not let me in. I started to have depression and panic attack. My parents told me that kids can’t have that and told me to stop lying. Whenever I felt suicidal, I told myself that tomorrow might be better. I was torturing myself with hope. Even I forced a smile. One day I died. I no longer felt happy or sad. No feelings became real. I knew what to feel but there was no emotion in me. Friends became classmate and parents became legal guardian. I became a character of my own life. Just observing and reading the pages. I was sexually assaulted but that no longer became a problem, because that happened to a character. I was abused my boss by belittling my work and my effort. I started to develop hypersomnia that lasted minimum 2/3 of the day. I developed chronic headache that inhibits my vision. Most of my lifetime was depression. Yet I still feel like I was the lucky person for what I have.

If this isn’t hell. What is?

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