Stories of Loss

I am a suicidal survivor. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, though. You think that once you have finally made it past being suicidal and depressed that you’ll always feel better; there are no simple fixes to being mentally broken. It’s not a broken bone that will one day heal. Even though I do not actively want to die, i’ll hear a song, or watch a show that I watched or listened to when I was hurting and depressed and I will spiral down the rabbit hole once more. The emptiness still lingers, and I still have thoughts. When a person becomes that dark, that hurt, to want to die you never fully heal from it. Right now as I am typing this out in hopes someone out there will read this and relate to what I am saying, I feel that deep empty feeling like I don’t have anything inside of me. It hurts. In my head I acknowledge the fact that there are times I can be happy, but there’s something dragging, weighing on me. A heavy weight that’s impossible to fully get off. Yes, I hate life. I hate so many things about it. I hate feelings. I hate mental disabilities. I hate my chronic illnesses. I hate my Misophonia. I hate social anxiety, I hate loneliness. I hate responsibilities. I hate the fact that I still have so many years on this god forsaken earth. I hate how people treat other people, and animals. Life is not easy. It’s not simple. It’s not nice. Those who think the world is beautiful and amazing have never been through anything traumatic. They will never have a deep understanding of people, or emotions. Emotions are deep, they are all we have to create morals and our beliefs. People who suffer from suicidal thoughts, or depression, or anxiety, or any mental disability have a deeper understanding of life, of the world. We see through peoples fake smiles, and long sleeves during summer. We notice things other “normal” people wouldn’t. I am grateful for what I have been through because it has taught me so much about the world, the people who inhabit it, and the beautiful aspects, the ugly aspects, and the importance of how you act and the impact that has on others. We grow up, and mature too fast. We don’t have the luxury of being “carefree”. What we go through has changed us, and shape us into the people we become. You can dwell on your past or look toward the future. It’s damn hard to do so, though. There are still “triggers” and feelings of hopelessness, and depression. When you’re alone in the dark with all of your thoughts, we tend to think about everything. It’s scary to be alone, because you have nothing to distract you from your thoughts and feelings… It’s hard, no doubt. It hurts. I hated myself, still do sometimes. I’ll look in the mirror, or a reflection and shame myself for how I look, or who I am.  Someone will get mad at me and yell about what an awful person I am, and I will want to die. Thinking about how easy it would be to kill myself, how much better off I, and everyone around me would be. Then I think about my mother, and my sister, and my brother, my grandmother, and the rest of my family who hasn’t disowned me or talked shit about me. If I leave, my dog will grieve himself to death, and have no one to look after him and his brother from another species, Lucifurr. My grandmother will become very depressed. My sister would have nobody besides my mother, who is dying of emphysema. My brother will lose his little sister, and my niece will have nobody to look after her, and hold her when she cries, or love her unconditionally like I do. My niece will never remember who I am as she’s only nine months old. She’ll never know how many times she’s slept in my room, how many times she’s fallen asleep holding onto me, how many laughs i’ve made her laugh. How many times she’s been angry with me. She’s the one i’m living for. I’m looking forward to scaring her first boyfriend, because she’s so pretty with her little dimples and a smile that lights up the room. I’ll never get to cry as she goes to kindergarten. Or watch as she takes her diploma, and lives the best life she can. I’ll never be able to comfort her after a breakup, or force her to listen to my favorite bands. I’ll never get to see her grow up. I’ll never watch my sister give me a niece, or nephew. I wouldn’t get to see my sister be happy, for once. I don’t live an apple pie, white picked fence kind of life. My mother hates the person I’ve become, smoking weed, cigarettes, and drinking just to cope with life at almost seventeen years old. I don’t have a job because I don’t have the money to get my birth certificate for an ID. I watched my father die in front of me as the ambulance rolled him into the back of the truck, after they hauled him off of a roof, as he owned a roofing company. I was nine years old. I am watching my bedridden mother slowly die of COPD and Emphysema.  You know that feeling when you can feel your heart breaking and the air in your throat getting thicker. When you can feel how hurt you are. It’s the worst feeling in the world to be trapped inside your own head. Knowing your intentions are so pure, but yet nobody understands.  I feel it coming on now, the tears. The pain. So no, the pain, the thoughts, the never fully go away. You’re allowed a mental breakdown every once in a while. You deserve it. You are not the people others’ say you are. You are beautiful and are filled with an unbearable weight, for that i am deeply sorry. I understand how it feels to be lonely, and hurt. The pain that doesn’t go away. Even after you heal, it still knocks. It knocks at your weakest moments, dragging you into darkness, the darkness of your mind is the loneliest, and most horrific feelings of all time. Yes, physical pain hurts but it heals. You don’t feel the pain anymore after a while. Mental pain never goes away and it never heals, we just find better coping strategies. We hope we don’t break everything we touch, we distance ourselves from other people. We hurt in silence. I hate going to bed wondering if everything will ever be okay. I’m sorry, guys. I really am. If anyone even reads this, and needs to talk, private message me on instagram Fuck_the_world_11_27_18

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