Stories of Loss

Each and every passing day I get closer and closer to being able to fully commit to killing myself and throughout my life its caused me to take a deeper look at life including my own as a whole.

Life is rife with issues and has begun to feel like its not even worth living for, even with all that I have in this life. Family, friends, acquaintances, and activities are the only things that really keep me in this life living through it all. But even now I find myself giving into these horrid thoughts, even with the kind of blessings I have had. I just feel its become extremely mundane and pointless if nothing is really changing for me even when I try to actively change for better. I feel stuck like I get to see everyone in my life move on and live and I am already dead just being dragged along by time like a walking husk. I hate it. I feel like I’d rather die than have to see another year of any of this. And with every passing year I’ve forced myself to live through, I’d always lie and say I feel better or these last couple years were great for me when in all actuality I feel the same as when I was still at my lowest point. I just can’t let go and I have too much to deal with because of that ineptitude and all of that leaves me totally feeling incompetent, almost less than human. I put off so much in my personal life, my physical health too and now it is affecting my mental health to a varying degree. The littlest things used to never bug me in life but after having just a couple of injuries and recovering from them but having the lingering pains and than newer injuries occur I am questioning what is the worth in doing anything active anymore that I really enjoy to do in my life, and I am not even an old man yet… I just want to give up already on everything and everyone because of all these things I can’t seem to change or do or keep on top off fill me with suffering and regret. I don’t want to live my life for others expectations anymore and feel like I am betraying everyone every time I quit at something because I can’t do whatever it is that is needed of me to do. If I stuck everything out it would do more harm because I’d really end up killing myself eventually because of health reasons I am not on top off and mismanaging. Also if I got a hold of money and was in more of a mindset to fully commit to it that might finally set me over the edge and I might give in to such thoughts. In the back of my mind its always there as a reminder to not slip and let go like that.  It hurts because you begin to self identify with being a failure in life and you honestly just want an excuse to flunk out of all the bs which life puts you through but in a sense are too much of a failure to fully go through with something so horrible either. I don’t see the good in things like I used to either, even if I still try to see the good I end up seeing more of the bad and it impacts me more than good used to. Its gotten to a point where I spend hours randomly searching the internet to understand what is wrong with me or how to process my own suffering without totally giving into it and acting out in self destructive behavior.

With each and every passing day it just gets worse and worse though and honestly speaking I am afraid to grow old and my suffering get to such a level where I become an even more pitiable existence than I feel like now. If I imagine my life in the future I probably won’t live to be 30 with how I am managing everything and I am around my mid 20s already. I don’t see a way out really without making major changes. It feels like I have lost some greater part of my own human capacity to be able to even handle anything normal in life. The harder I think about it too the more it feels like I am confirming my worse fears that there is no real or true hope for this life currently with such an outlook. And that I don’t want to really be here existing anymore how I am currently and it doesn’t matter with whatever I have to hold on to for none of it is truly my own in reality. Its gotten to the point where with each and every passing day there is a prolonging of some inevitable unforeseen circumstance that finally marks my end day upon this Earth, and the only real thing I can think off is to kill my current self. Not so much as a physical or maybe even mental death but an image and way of life death. I must kill the part of me on the inside that is suffering and be able to move on. Its easy to say but hard to accomplish and I have been through many years where I have had to deconstruct in little ways but eventually I screw up or my current ways of life gets in the way of the life I want to live.

Despite all that I’ve gotta keep living till the last day or until I guess I decide on what course of action needs to be taken but I may never know when that day comes because it can be tomorrow or it can even be when I am of old age. All I know is this is one life. If this is the only life I have I might as well do as much good as I can before I die even if I end up dead because of circumstance pertaining to how I am living. We should all at least strive to not add on to the problem but to give back something to the world which it has given us. Having a strong sense to give back the good in life so others can se the good as well is what keeps me morally rooted and content mainly with my current suffering. But even so I can’t give enough to care about myself which is hard for those in my life who tell me to lean on them for help. I feel morally wrong and sick whenever I have to rely on my parents for anything even if they are okay with it. It kills me and makes me sick of my life in those instances. I don’t have a clear plan for things on what to do and how to even get started in life and always ask questions about how to do this or that even as an adult which leaves me feeling like I have a lack of clear comprehension. I am not stupid but I lack a lot of necessary common sense that I have been plagued with since I was younger and that gets me into a lot of social issues which caused turmoil in life because I feel so disconnected from my friends and peers. I can’t understand major differences in society or read social cues at times or even read too far into some things. I am a good person though and love helping people even but many times I often get taken advantage of or even taken for granted. I always feel overly obligated though like I must or I need or have to do whatever it is or I should just die. Even whenever I stray from being treated like that I often feel worse than if I just blindly did whatever someone told me to do despite knowing it is not goof really too. Its hard for me to discern whether I am being verbally abused/ manipulated or not either but I clearly understand physical abuse. My only options are to talk these things out with people in my life and get a constant feedback of what I should do or not almost like a robot at times. I used to be able to leave and do things on my own even but now I just don’t want to do anything anymore for the most irrational of feelings/ aversions. I never had a natural aversion to living life fully in my past but after experiencing being at the bottom for my self personally I felt the power to be able to even function leave me.

My hope for anyone reading this is that you try and find happiness even if you are suffering right now or feel extremely depressed or suicidal even. It sounds impossible but there is a balance with all this and if you can’t find it start by being a good person. It sounds like fluff talk but everyone should hear it and that is to be a good person for yourself and to others who really deserve it. Don’t fall unto a destructive path where you begin to neglect your health because you are too overly concerned for others though. Don’t internalize others suffering because it is theirs and theirs alone to feel. It is uniquely saddening for everyone and distressing to have to read of someones suffering but there is hope in the suffering. Reading some posts helps me a whole lot to process the raw emotions and feelings of grief. It helps you know that even through we all may suffer from different reasons whatever it is we are feeling is real and its not a one off thing.

Suicide statistics are scary. When you begin to think about it all you begin to tell yourself, “I don’t want to become another statistic.” This world is a sick world and humanity can’t seem to help itself with these complex issues. When there is no one to blame really people will begin to look at those who’d say they want to die and stigmatize them further. Society is often harsh like that and I honestly think humanity doesn’t have a capacity to understand these issues fully and give it the attention it needs without exacerbating the issue and acting like they tried all the could to prevent a person from suicide. We lock people up who have issues like that and we try to correct those thoughts by heavily medicating them and that’s really the best we can do… Its a sick world we live in and the only hope I can salvage from such a world is that maybe something comes and totally destroys the current world. Until 2020 I was praying/hoping that humanity would get some sort of wake up call and maybe things would change for better. Oh boy was I praying/hoping for the wrong thing(lol). Not only did this pandemic happen but many of us also lost loved ones and those close to us. It was awful not since going through total rock bottom had I ever felt closer to it and it hit for me during lock down. I hoped I could have gotten sick too from it sadly. But I didn’t and am fully vaccinated and can feel the 5G coursing through me(lol). I know its not much but it honestly helps to have a sense of humor in all of the suffering even when you get to the point of pulling your hair out. It helps to breath and understand that this life really is only temporary and if you are going to have to live it you might as well live by your own terms and not by other peoples standards. I am already an adult and I still struggle with this and it causes me to feel like I am not fully living my own life.

I’d like to honestly live a good life and live with real purpose. At least its what I tell myself as a bargain to keep alive mainly. And if it wasn’t truly worth it I would have took the chances I had as a child to leave this world. There were close calls where my air-headed actions had almost got me killed but because I had people in my life who were vigilant and who cared, they could easily stop me from doing anything stupid. I may have been suicide prone without really knowing too but as I became older I became more afraid of death and as I sought to reconcile with those thoughts early I did research and found that there isn’t really any valid proof asides people saying they died and were revived and saw things. I take it with a grain of salt really. But I grew to have my own beliefs about what dying means and what death is and where we go if there is a something or nothing even. I came to the belief that when you die you return to a state of formlessness like imagination waiting to be grabbed at. When dead, if you’d really call it having a soul or spirit, whatever it is that is making the living process goes to become apart of something unforeseen in our world and it is a mass of all of those who have died and passed on. For whatever reason the life that leaves us congregates there to this mass of others like itself and awaits maybe to be reused again inside a vessel. But in this process the life force is being purged/null out of the suffering/damage that had occurred from the body carrying the life force while it was actively living. This crazy belief has brought me to the conclusion that there isn’t much after death really and that which drives us while alive can’t really make sense of everything without a brain to use. When it is formless or simply put just life force it is like all basic forms of things but probably even more so on a more astounding and undiscovered basic level of measurement. That could mean that all life no matter how small has this life force and is pretty much the same as even humans at the most basic level. Maybe its something yet to be discovered in Life Sciences who knows. I know that at the most basic levels we are made up of matter, atoms which chain molecules which make up our bodies DNA and leads to a structuralization of complex systems throughout our body made up of tissues and organs. All I know is that being alive is very weird. It feels strangely wrong at times. I feel like there is more to be apart of after death that something inside me knows but I also have a feeling that when I die that this bodies ability to be able to comprehend anything, even its own inevitable death, will cease to make understanding of where the life force will be after death. This is just a material world really but there is probably more than meets the eye and for all we know there is a whole study that will have to be developed just for something that is so intangible.

Back when I was in high school this major epiphany had hit me. I had a moment where something had hit me like an idea that struck like lightning and that’s that we are all made of this all encompassing energy or at the most pure state of our existences we are all beings of pure energy. It can easily be influenced by this body and living life and there is some corruption factorized into it because of what it goes through. I had the idea that maybe all these religions which talked about supernatural existences where all real in a sense if you where to make the case scientifically that whatever it is exists because it is pure energy it would completely go unnoticed because we can’t perceive its phantom existence even if we can go ahead and say that energy is coursing all around us in this universe. We can’t really call the Earth as being something which is alive either or the other planets in this solar system or even the Sun as being alive and yet they are full of energy. Einstein made the major correlation that there is a mass energy equivalence and yet we can’t completely understand why we exist the way we do. If matter can exist as a particle and wave all at once can’t that just mean that we exist in some form as an embodiment of waves too all while being made up of these particles. When we die and the particles can’t make use of the energy anymore wouldn’t our waves separate from the mass that can’t contain itself anymore. And where does it go if it never disappears? I believe that it then becomes apart of something else we just can’t see or explain really yet and that it is here throughout the universe. The only thing is whether we still retain the sense of self we are familiar with or whether we just simply exist in such a state as to be asleep in a sense. The energy can exist without vessel so to say but needs one in order to comprehend being alive in the biological sense.

Life can be hard and cause you to succumb to such madness as making sense out of everything and trying to even relate to death. At most we should try and perceive life’s mysteries as best as we can to better relay how we need to live our lives. Even if all seems meaningless there is a greater meaning to all in this universe so if you ever get to that point where you question your own life try to make sense of what life really is. I know it sounds like rambling but it really does help you if you look at this biological process as more than just suffering because its a chance to be able to live in a physical sense.