For those who have passed on.
”I still love you as much as i did then which is totally a whole frikin lot! I’ll never leaveeee youuuuu because i needdddddd youuuu foreverrrr innnn myyy lifeeee (yes there is a tune to that, my own kind of tune that is) Well my sweet sweet love i’m going to sit in front of the heater my feet seem to be going nmb from the coldness. I LOVE YOU LIKE A FAT KID LOVES CAKE”
but then you left us all.
i hate this.
We had an agreement, telling each other when being unfaithful. But finding out when you are on the other side of the world, destroyed me. I should have taken the flight back home, interrupting all this shit and not cling to him when he is the reason my world falls apart. So stupid, so naïve. Thinking it was all a dream and today I am still with him. And I hate myself for this, not being resolute. Since then, every day a piece of me and my trust dies. He loves me, I love him but he’s just not good for me, for my mind, for my soul, for my confidence. But I can’t say goodbye either to him or to my life. So here I am, fighting every day against my fear of losing the love of my life to the fight inside me.
I don’t know what to write really. I guess I just want to get some feelings out. This won’t be written in any order that makes sense I just want to put all my thoughts down. I recently started cutting myself as a way to cope with my problems. I always felt an empty nothingness inside my heart, it feels like a bottomless pit. Every time I cut myself, the feeling goes away. It must be the dopamine or adrenaline rush but it feels good. Honestly, I don’t want to feel anything. Anger, love, pride, sorrow, I don’t want to feel ANY of it. I just want to die. My life has been a complete downward spiral and nothing is ever going to change. Everyone always tells me things will get better but I FUCKING KNOW IT WON’T. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THINGS WILL GET BETTER?? IT’S BEEN LIKE THIS FOR ALL THE YEARS I’VE BEEN ALIVE. I’M TIRED OF IT ALL AND I JUST WANT TO DIE. I’m tired of all the fucking lies. “I love you”. “I care about you”. “I need you”. All bullshit. They pity me and just want me to suffer. Everyone loves seeing me suffer. They never fucking cared about me. I don’t fucking matter and I’m FUCKING AWARE. They keep lying and lying just to fucking torment me. I’ll end it all with my death. I’ve attempted twice (and failed obviously because that’s what I am, a failure) but my next attempt will be my last. I’m sorry for the long rant. Most of it is probably rambling, incoherent bullshit but I just needed to get this off my chest.
My name is Niki Wonoto. I am from Jakarta, Indonesia.
I am severely depressed & suicidal. I feel so alone, nobody cares, even if I die.
I’m 38 years old loser & failure. Maybe better to just die.
It’s so incredibly relaxing to sit in the comfort of oblivion. So peaceful to adopt a who cares attitude. I am absolved of all responsibility.
I was searching the webernet for tips on trimming cat claws a few years back, and came across a video by an animal behavioralist named Dr. Sophia Yin. The video was good, her personality engaging and attractive. Intrigued by what she had to say, I searched for more of her work, and found an article detailing her suicide. In it, a co-worker and friend of hers spoke of her insecurity concerning her career. Even as her business grew by leaps and bounds, apparently she felt she was failing her clientele. Her friend felt differently, as did reviews from her clients. She knew her stuff.
She jogged for exercise, and mentioned to her friend that she “couldn’t outrun the sadness.” They discussed suicide in general terms, but he said he never got the impression that she was struggling to the extent that she was, and on September 28, 2014, Dr. Yin took her own life.
I’m comforted by her story. I suppose I feel less like the chicken sh*t coward that I perceive myself to be, and that society needs me to be so as to maintain its view that suicide is the cowards way out. This woman was a success. Her story is one of exhausting effort and brilliance. Yet, she “couldn’t outrun the sadness.” That simple.
I use her story to justify my feelings. I commiserate to feel connected, less alone, understood. I make her an ally, and comfortably rest in the warmth of realization that sometimes things just aren’t meant to be what they could be. I rest in her choice, I bask in it and savor it. It is so inviting, a sirens call amidst the noise of society’s clamor.
I have a list of names. Those who couldn’t find their way, and chose to take matters into their own hands. It runs the gamut of personalities and career choices.
It is a human list, fraught with pain and confusion as manifested by their actions. It’s a dysfunctional means of coping for me, but as the scales fall from my eyes, I see that all I do is dysfunctional…the things I excel at are just roles I’ve learned to play.
Am I functional? Am I non-dysfunctional? Barely. I’m an actor, and at the end of the day, I open my door and slide into comfy jammies and fuzzy slippers. I hang up my mask and I relax in the comfort of others pain. I dont…judge them, I don’t idolize them…Oh no, wait…I do.
I am comforted that there are those who have achieved much more than I could ever imagine who also were battered, bruised and bewildered by the storms of life. I hold them up, my banner to those who AREN’T CAPABLE of understanding this pain, and I flaunt it in their faces, screaming “Who’s a coward now? Explain their flaws to me…use your twisted textbook knowledge to rationalize the insane acts of the chronically hurting…marginalize them as weak and inept to boost your own ego’s…tell me there’s always a solution.”
Obviously, there isnt.
It’s good to be home.
Hey, I’m 18 y/o I went through shit In my life I’m Muslim and Gay and Diabetic and Mentally ill and Unstable. Because No body Knows About my mental issues I couldn’t Go to a therapist, So I searched online for some test Wish. I found one wish Seemed Very Detailed, Professional and True It took between 20-25 min to finish it. I got the Results They where:
1-Majored Depressive disorder: 97%
2-Manic Episodes: 33%
3-C-PTSD: 72%
4-Generalized Anxiety Disorder: 94%
5-Panic Disorder: 44%
6-Panic Attacks:38%
I was a Bit shook I thought I might Get higher Results. I Had A “BF” well I thought He was. He only wanted me for sex I was Ok wish it as long as I can see him. I’m suicidal But I cant do it Cause Its prohibited In my religion. I have to live Like this, I’m That kind of friend that Is good with everyone ever good with people who do me bad. I forgive people And I Keep my feelings Inside I don’t wanna make someone SAD because Of me, I want all of them to be happy even if it means I have to keep it in. That “BF” I told u about I had a Strong feeling for him I loved Him So mush I would Do everything for him Even though we didn’t talk that mush. I have problems In my family. My father Drinks And Always Screams at mom. When I was a Kid I saw Porn In his Phone. I don’t know what was going on in my head when I saw that. My dad and Mom used to fight all the time, They think I’m this angle And I’m good and I know everything and I can take care of myself, But I don’t
I always Thought That there is something wrong with me I have this person In me Idk If Its someone else or is it just me I would Talk with him and Fight With him over why Did I do that And That I wont do it next time and I would beat him, He is called “Feelings” He used to make feel better by telling that I’m good and I’m smart and Get me motivated now When Ever I talk to him He makes me feel worst, I think a lot thats what Led Me to Forget ALOT. I actually forget things Fast REALLY FAST. I would sit Hating on the fact that “I’M GAY” I hate it a lot I never Had someone To love Me and If Someone DID he would prob be someone I meet Online and Not a real friend. People online Love me more then actual people, I told my best friend “That I’m gay” He said Things That Hurt My feelings But As Always I keep it in its like a system That automatically Hides my emotions. I saw things I didn’t wanna see I would cry If U scream at me, Never ever been Me I’m always What People think I am, To the point where I lost My real Me, I loved everyone Never talked about someone In his Back, Never Made someone angry, Never Fought With someone I cant protect myself I’m weak, I always wanted to do things But I cant Cause I don’t have enough support. I’m traumatized I would always fight myself Always I would Be talking with someone and as soon as he/she leaves The noise Comes back and the thoughts. I told people who I am And I wish I didn’t They hurt me But Still I cant do anything I would just act as if They didn’t do anything My brother and sister Took my trust and used it against me “I would give them My Laptop and They would Go through My private Msg/DMs and Read them” If It wasn’t the fact that my computer restores the last tabs that where open I would Of never known. I live and I hate it everyday I cant even sleep even if I do, I would wake up in the middle of the night And as soon as I wake Up, The Thoughts Would come In and I have to stop them to sleep But I cant, I would lay on my bed thinking about how bad I am, How EMPTY I became people thing I’m funny and cool They don’t know me. I’m as bad and sad as I can be I wish I was dead. I would be walking in the street and thinking its better If A car hits me at least its not me who committed it. I have a lot of shit in my life That I just forget it. I cant even study anymore I feel bad for people but They never did feel the same way for me And I have to push myself to hate them and I hate It, I hate so mush. I don’t wanna hate anyone I wanna help everyone cause No body helped Me. Would cry and sleep wishing I would never wake up. I have eye problems cause I cry too mush But No body knows that I cry. I feel empty and Sad and I don’t even know how I feel. And When even I smile or laugh I know That something bad Is gonna happen AND it Does happen People just don’t get me I would listen to music sit there and wonder and think And THINK AND THINK till ever
I went through shit that I dont even know what It is I never ever showed This Me to anyone My family already has problems so I wouldn’t tell them about mine. I lost hope I LOST HOPE, I cant do anything I had enough I had sex since I was a Kid Idk why. Im just sad and empty I cant even pray cause Im scared, And If I do so Pray I need a reason for my parents they would be like “What’s Up with U praying U weren’t used to pray what happened” I would do anything to get my mind to be busy But I can I always watch YT my laptop Is trash, Im what so called Developer but I’m still learning And I cant learn with this thing I would cry if I see too people hugging and talking about emotions I’m getting sadder and sadder everyday every damn day And I cant do anything about It I would just wear my headphones and Listen to the same depressing music everyday. when ever I feel SO EMPTY I would Just talk to myself and write things on my computer I don’t have the files Now cause My pc got formatted But its pretty long.
So Remember The Test I told U about at the beginning Well Iv Done It again But after 3 months and Look what I got (Even worst results):
1-Majored Depressive disorder: 97%
2-Manic Episodes: 63%
3-C-PTSD: 87%
4-Generalized Anxiety Disorder: 81%
5-Panic Disorder: 74%
6-Panic Attacks:71%
(This Is what remember But there is more things then just this)
hope u guys safe <3
Ive been betrayed, abused, mentally fucked, cheated, lied to , spied on, stolen from, robbed of happyness and all my belongings, caged in psych wards, my entire life… But it occured to me, a few years ago… That I too, live in some kind of floating box CIA prison , the same as Terry A Davis claimed he did, and explained… For over 20 years. Even in my youth, people shit on me, talk down to me, betray me. .. fuck me over… The suicide attempts, the depression, the pain i went through, the betrayals…. I never knew I lived in some kind of prison that followed me around until a few years ago, I didnt know that this life was a construct around me, with the deliberate purpose of torturing me… the entire “gangstalking” things is a cover up, honey trap, for the real victims to run to online, where they just abuse them more, and discredit them.. a whole fiasco, a shit show. a mockery of the true “target” of theirs. .. . what a fucking joke. the jokes on me. as Terry A Davis said, “i live in a cia prison, a ****** runs my prison” …… yeah…. Yeah sure, we developed all the symptoms of schizophrenia, most heavily abused people do. It didnt come natural. We werent given a chance in life. To be normal. Because we think differently. We dont suck societies cock. We arent pussies. We dont conform like sheep following a trend. Thats cool. Thats punk rock. Terry A Davis , id like to say I can make it until the day comes, where this torture shit , the truth is revealed. And i will try. But today is a bad day. Im pretty down. I joined this site to rant. To express my pain and sorrow. Sometimes I dont know if I can make it another day. What a shit life. I will try to see the day this is exposed and get some kind of vindication for you. If for nothing else.
I’m an idealist. I have big dreams, and even visions to change the world. But sadly, in reality, there are still so many factors that limit me from achieving all my dreams. Instead, here I am just being another normal, ordinary, average Joe on the street that just only do mundane, boring, & meaningless job everyday. Even worse now, this all has led me to experience an existential crisis (or existential depression), that honestly, now I don’t even have any motivation, or basically zero energy to wake up every morning, because what’s the point? What is the point of living, and what is the purpose & meaning of life, if I have to be just like everybody else with their simple mind (simpleton) with their optimistic/positive/positivity motto “Live, Laugh, Love”, but at the cost of sheer ignorance, being oblivious, & stupidity? That’s just depressing for me. Is that all there is? That’s it? I wish life could be so much more than this! I just can’t accept that this is all there is! That’s just a cold, boring, & depressing reality! I wish there are more in life than all of this stupid pointless, meaningless bullshit & nonsense everyday for the rest of my life until I die. “Life sucks and then you die”, if that’s the case, then why not just check out early? There are even many stories & cases of the so-called “privileged, spoiled, fortunate, lucky, rich, or even successful” people who died from suicide. So it’s not just “poor, unfortunate, low-class, struggling” people. It’s all random. Some people will live, while some people will die. That’s just how it is. That’s life. And that’s just the reality.
A friend of mine used to tweet a phrase that always sticks with me: “Some people are lucky, some people are not.” That was some years ago, and the more I live now, the more I see (& realized/learned) that it’s true. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in their lives. Or in life, for all that matters. I don’t know and I’m not sure if it’s due to the meritocracy thing (“If you work hard, you WILL succeed/reach success!”), or if it’s due to the ‘positive/optimistic’ self-help culture/trend/hype that is literally almost everywhere nowadays, etc etc. But I think it’s very naive, simplistic, & ignorant if people seriously believe that they control ALL and EVERY aspect of their life/lives.
Even the posts here in this website that will get popular & many comments, and other posts that get almost no view/comment or even banned/deleted (even though when they’re really good posts, but sadly just very underrated or underappreciated), it also has the ‘luck’ factor in it. And as a result (or even the fatal consequences), no wonder some people in this website will feel even more alone, unloved, nobody cares, and some of them will probably even decide to be ‘gone forever’ by committing suicide.
But back to the main point again: if you really think much more deeper, you will see that it’s all random (yes, somewhat nihilistic). Some people will win, & some people will lose. Some people will survive & live, while some people will die. I always view our human species just like those little ants: There are billions of them on this planet, and some will get crushed & die, while some other will survive & live. That’s basically our human life too. In fact, it’s ALL lives in this universe. Some will live; Some will die.
Lastly, it’s the same thing with all of us here who are depressed & suicidal. You take a look at all your other friends, family, colleagues, or people, and how they somehow are happy, or even successful, and then you think: “Why I can’t be like that too?”, even though you’ve tried or even work really hard. And then even when you eventually see how some of us in this website can finally recover, cured, healed, & finally lead a normal, happy, & successful life too, it will make you think the same again: “Why I can’t be like them?”.
I don’t know if it’s god, karma, universe, destiny, fate, or just simply pure random chances. But to say that you don’t believe in luck, playing at least SOME aspects/parts in your life, that’s just naive, ignorant, & too simple-minded. People who said that probably haven’t truly ‘open their eyes & wake-up’ to reality.
so the post below is from a few years ago, and I’ve decided to respond with it based on how I feel now.
original post:
June 3rd, 2016 was the day I snapped. I drove my car into a light pole at about 100kph. I just couldn’t/can’t handle life anymore. First responders arrived, I admitted to the crash being due to me wanting to die, and not losing control of the car. I was taken to the hospital where I was drugged up and put through extensive testing. I guess it was considered a serious crash even though I had no physical injuries. The next day I was transferred to a mental hospital for a 3 week term where I was supposed to become a mentally healthy individual that can become a functional member of society. I knew and know this was a waste of time since i have no will to live. I was put on an anti depressant and an anti anxiety medication. They did nothing.
Things have changed. I have a new found hate for myself. I used to hate not meeting up to other people’s expectations. Now, I can’t even lay down without thinking about killing myself and all the reasons why I should. I am not told by anyone that I should end my life or harm myself in any way. Like alot of people on this site, it’s all in my head. I hate my existence. I benefit nobody. I am easily replaced. There’s nothing for me here, I’m just a waste of space. I still feel the urge to kill myself to the same extent as last June, I just haven’t found the right time to follow through and do something. I’m already dead inside, and it’s just a matter of time until I become a distant memory.
My response 3 years later to myself
Dear me;
you’re going to suffer memory loss likely for the rest of your life. You will have to claim bankruptcy and after everything is finalized and you’re free again you will decide to follow a debt free lifestyle.
You have found joy in working a job you enjoy with great people, even though you hate the brand you represent. You are going to find a new joy for cycling. it will start with weight loss, and move into something not only healthy for the body, but a sport that can be very social, and you’re going to learn the ways to love yourself. Your will to live will gradually increase and soon ending it all will be a topic only to describe emotions of the past. All the medications DONT have to work, you will be surrounded by people that will push you like never before and that will create an ability to overcome hardship and handle stress.
The “new hate” is a temporary feeling. I wish I could have realized how much I was going to accomplish in the near future. I still remember the raw feelings of being dead inside, and its horrible but it will go away. Out of all the bolded words above, only one was true at the time. I was easily replaced, especially in the workplace. but with consistency and genuine effort, people are making me feel valued and appreciated.
I hope I do this again in a few years.
So I’m someone whose really gentle with others, maybe a little bit too much sometimes, and I’m also very shy, I also went through a period of bullying, which was resolved last year thanks to a girl I loved and with whom we got along very well, one day everything broke and then got repaired and so on, the problem is that I’m at fault, I wanted to get things done too much, now I’m afraid to talk with anyone, so I found comfort in the alcohol but one day a friend of mine told me that she was going out with someone when she told me that if nothing was happening between us it was because she wanted to wait, that she was not ready, she lied to me, I felt betrayed, I started mutilating my arms again, hitting my face and thighs, the worst part of it all is that I want to see her again even knowing that any love relationship is impossible, I just wanted us to be happy, finally I just destroyed my life until I became sick and vomited almost every morning in class, I just wanted to be loved by the person I love. I want to end this suffering, I want to get better but a voice in my head tells me every night to end my life, I can’t take it anymore, I want to live happily, that’s all.
What’s on your mind, bud? Talk to me.
I know you came on this website to see what people have to say, to see if you can leave any comments. And I also know that you want to leave comments on people to help them with the shit they’re going through.
SCREW THAT. THAT’S NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE. YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU NEED HELP, YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO’LL LISTEN.
I WILL LISTEN.
Leave a comment, let’s talk. I’ll listen. No judgement, no problem-solving (unless you want it). I’ll try my best to understand, I’ll try my best to here you until you’re through, and most importantly I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU. Talk to me, leave a comment.
To the admins: I’ve been here since 2012, if memory serves me. I’ve been to some of the deepest, shittiest parts of life and came back fighting with lots of psychedelics, booze, victories and losses. I’ve had an amazing amount of love thrown at me and have recently come back to this site with the intention of helping.
Warning: mentions of self harm and other sensitive content. I’ll try to be vague on certain words. sorry if it triggers you, this is to make you feel like you’re not alone.
My mother was forced down and forced into intercourse with my father, who she was with for 16 years at the time when she got pregnant with me. SHE HATED ME FOR IT! she attempted to get an abortion, then failed. My father even attempted to throw my mother out a window, and luck was on my side as they failed to do so.
Growing was equally as miserable for me. my father was abusive to my mother, brother, and myself. I later in my life found that he was cheating on my mother too – as I have 3 siblings from different mothers that are the same age as myself. My own family thought I was a curse onto all of them, so I was treated like one growing up. I had no choice in the matter; as I didn’t have the means to escape. I was tortured, beaten, raped, abused, forced into having sex with drug dealers before I even hit 14 years old too. I was locked inside cages for 9 hours at a time and forced to watch my father rape them too.
Every day was miserable for me, I would get forced into BEGGING my father to do things to me – and he’d threaten to do them to my brothers if I didn’t. mom wasn’t any help, as she would overdose on various illegal drugs; and would rent me out to pedophile drug dealers to ensure she’d get her fix.
I attempted suicide 9 times during my life time, three of those times I was actually declared legally dead and put on life support. My dad would make betting rings with my mother and a friend of his on when I’d finally actually do it. He even raped me without protection and got me pregnant at 13 years old, of course he forced me to abort it. It’s not as easy as “get up and call the police.” because what people don’t understand is… to make us more dependent on him he got us into massive amounts of debt. in fact, my mother had to ask him to let us go to school to begin with!
But then it came to me….HOPE all because of one song.
This would be the one thing I would contribute to saving my life. see, when I was laying there half dead on the floor and hearing my brothers scream, I came to a realization as I tried to tune it out with a song I heard playing on the radio…. he may have power over me and them now, he can take away everything about me. he can make me a shell of my former self, he can break me and break me again. he can make me feel like I’m nothing, but the one thing he COULDN’T take is the power I had within myself to protect my brothers from him. I decided that throwing my pride away to protect them was worth it. I started begging him to do things to me instead, and I would sneak in books and such into our cages and keep learning to focus on something rather than the pain. Eventually, I became fluent in 3 languages, 4 if you count American Sign Language.
I focused completely on my future as well as my brothers’ futures too, and we formed different ways of coping with our pain. then it happened, we got these small laptops from our school that had video cameras. my parents didn’t know, but I made a Facebook and reached out to my uncle. he asked about why they didn’t talk to him much, and at first … he didn’t believe me because “your father goes to church every Sunday and works as an engineer, my sister is a nurse for Christ’s sake!” and he put him on a high horse. I made a plan to prove it to him, I had him Skype me. my parents didn’t notice the camera was on, and my uncle caught my mother shoving my hand onto a pan that was JUST taken out of the oven followed by my father branding me again.
He found out about the massive debt he put us in to make us dependent on him. Now, my uncle had enough of that. he’s active duty army you see, so he gets paid a lot of money. he saved up for 2 years and I took a dead end job of working as a cleaner. we planned EVERYTHING in secret, and he helped me pay off ALL of our debt so that I could get us out of there. but that’s not all. he didn’t want us to go homeless, so he even got us plane tickets to come move in with him after proving to us by a DNA test and showing us his military ID.
We moved out on February 13th 2020. each of us have been going to trauma counseling. We also now have to get medical check ups once a month in the least due to all the permanent damage we got through various torture methods. I developed schizophrenia, severe PTSD, DID, paranoia, and I also get random tremors in my body that occur from the muscles in my body getting used to all the torture methods I’ve gone through. It was a HUGE struggle to survive, I only did so because I had to grovel and beg….
My message to the one(s) reading this is… please don’t give up. you may not be able to see it, but there’s a reason you’re suffering now. you’re growing so much stronger the longer you force yourself to stay alive. those scars on your body? the fat on it? the bones you may see? that’s your body. you have only one life, and people that love and depend on you would be devastated to lose you. please don’t throw the fight for the sake of being tired. I tried that so many times, you’re not doing anyone a favor. allow yourself to cry and let it out. I don’t care how “manly” or how “strong” you are, everyone has the urge to cry. cry all you want, and if that means for a few hours or even a few days – just do it. part of making yourself strong is the ability to accept and let your past scars be left where they belong, in the past. You are cared for by at least ONE person, even if it’s yourself. you’re beautiful in your own way, trust me. You’re hurting now, but the pain you feel is something that’s going to eventually make you into a person that you would want see when you face the mirror. all the scars you have are from the war you fight daily to make sure it doesn’t all end. despite everything, there has been some form of reason that you’ve been keeping yourself alive. for me, it was my brothers. for you… maybe it’s the possibility of having a future with someone that keeps you up. maybe it’s your pets, maybe it’s because it’s something small like you have to attend an event – let whatever positive thing it is be the reason you don’t throw the fight in… you’ve suffered this long, haven’t you? surely you can suffer as long as it takes to get yourself to a space where you’d be happy in. you deserve to feel happy, you deserve all the love and the care you could possibly ask for. <3
-Atty.
Life has shit on me that its driving me to the point of suicide. Lost my mother just this New Year. Lost my friends because some toxic psychopathic asshat manipulated everyone around me and decided to turn everyone against me. I took out loans to prepare for my fiance’s wedding just this month then 2 weeks later, I find out that shes cheating on me with another guy. As Im typing this, the cheaters are now rubbing it in my face that theyre now together and seeing each other.
Look on the bright side. You people literally have it better than me. At least youre not mocked, made of fun, dont have to suffer, not made into some sort of loser and social pariah who society has decided to chew out and spit out after its been done with it. No amount of empty platitudes like “At least you can eat three times a day” will ever make things all right in my life.
It was back in January. Our friends and I were sat all of five feet away from her casket during the service. She wasn’t religious, but they held a service anyway.
I felt like I couldn’t be seen crying. My friends were distraught, feeling sick and bawling like newborns. I was like a rock. I don’t think I cried at all. How sick does that make me? The monster who didn’t cry at their friend’s funeral. What’s worse is I’m now realising I never got to break down like them. I didn’t cry for hours or get comforted by doting parents. I was left alone, by my friends and my parents. Only the day after the service did i indulge myself, and I laid in bed well into the afternoon.
What sickens me is how my school dealt with us. A student had just died, of cancer no less, and all they did was shove her close friends into an unused room, leaving us to our own devices and having a teacher check on us every hour or so. We were given less than a week to grieve as one would expect, and yet on Monday, when the first bell chimed the vice principal tried to usher us to class.
The year head approached me a few days after that. She wanted to assure me that the school wasn’t ignoring us, but that ‘protocol’ dictated that the teachers had to get the school back to working order as wuickly as possible. I don’t want to believe that that’s what the protocol actually is, but it was completely unfair. They had little to nothing to offer us in terms of grieving resources or councelling sessions. It doesn’t help that the one guidance councellor in the entire school is completely shit at her job.
What pisses me off the most is how quickly things went back to ‘normal’. It was fake. A blur of the emotional storm that had actually been brewing for months afterwards. Some school, huh.
I didn’t go to her grave, in the end. I don’t think i would’ve been able. Able to bear the sight of her mother and father mourning the loss of their only child. Her broken family and friends.
I didn’t want to have to speak to them. I didn’t want people to ask me about her. My exclusive memories that shone a light on how much better she was then me.
To this day, every time I get a pain in my leg, I wonder, ‘why couldn’t it have been me?’. I’m nobody’s first choice. My own friends habe described me as ’emotionless’ and ‘wasted potential’. How am I not supposed to take that personally?
I know I’m loved. I know i have people who would miss me and mourn my death, but hell if she didn’t deserve to live more than me. She knew what she wanted to do, she never had a bad thing to say about anyone or anything. She was athletic and spontaneous and caring. And I’m a lazy ***** who ignores my friends when they text me.
I haven’t told any of them how badly I want to be dead. I don’t think I ever will. They don’t deserve to go through my petty bullshit. But more often than not these days, I wish I could just die. I’ve considered slitting my throat at least six times while making sandwiches. I’ve considered going to every shop in town to buy painkillers so I could hopefully overdose and die. I’ve considered slicing my thighs and forearms until I bleed out. I just want so badly to end my life.
I’ve never been interested in cutting. I’ve tried it, but it didn’t make be feel better, so I stopped. Instead, I scratch. I itch my skin until it bleeds, and when it scabs over, I pick it until it bleeds again. I drag thumb tacks over my skin until the point draws blood. I poke bruises and cuts. I always feel like I’m in pain, but i just do it less obviously so I don’t have to hide scars or bandages.
I wanted to die long before she died, long before she was even diagnosed, but her dying just made me realise that it’s a possibility. She’s dead, and I could be too. I don’t fear death. I don’t fear what comes after it. I don’t believe in heaven or hell, or an afterlife of any kind. I know what I’d be getting myself into, but I don’t want to do it during the pandemic.
I can’t quite figure out why.
After years of destroying my skin in times of desperation/crisis/stress, I thought that I’d managed to replace it with better/healthier/safer coping methods.
I thought I had finally started to stabilise.
I should have known better.
I’ve been thinking about things that have happened to me a lot lately, and I have realised that I am stranded, stuck, lost, alone in this world now.
My parents, as much as I love them dearly, have no idea about what I’ve been through, and wouldn’t (couldn’t) understand if they did.
My friends don’t understand why I am not the same, why I am not the old me. They have noticed that I am not miraculously better, even after being given time and space.
The only one who does know, is the one that left me like this, and they don’t care. They just went back to their life, to their family, to their friends and just cast me aside.
I don’t know if the fact that they can all go about their lives being the same, being steady, being them, makes me mad or sad.
Probably both.
Yeah, it’s both.
Hello. I randomly stumbled across this site. Maybe it can help or maybe it its a waste of time. who knows, but here goes nothing.
I am a 30 year old African American male in Columbus Ohio. I recently moved back after my mother passed last month. It has been very devastating to me physically, emotionally, and psychologically (like death usually is from my understanding). I cant sleep well, I have to force myself to eat, and many days I dont even want to get out of bed. This stems from so much in my life while on the outside looks as though I’ve achieved much, I feel like a fraud and a failure. I quit my job in NY once Covid happened since I was so miserable. Every day was like waking up in another nightmare to go to work. I made great accomplishments there, made “friends”, became a mentor for the firm’s prestigious internships in the country, lead a team unofficially, and generally had admiration, respect, and power. Once things outside of my control, I lost all of it and was essentially seen as yet another grunt once again. However, even at the peak of my career, I was completely unhappy. Sure I had friends, but I had no one to talk to about what really was bothering me: my lack of a significant other, my lack of life’s purpose, and the recurring nightmare I had about my mother since moving to NY. I am a gay black man who doesnt subscribe to your typical LBGTQ+ culture. I tend to see things differently, and it kept/keeps me ostracized from everyone. What also didnt help was fearing for rejection simply because of my skin color or having someone only like me for it. I know love takes a long time to develop, but it would have been a huge help to have someone that I could share all of my struggles with intimately as they do the same with me. I see many gay couples who are just so happy either married or have boyfriends and it pains me so much that I dont have the same. Even my straight friends have someone in their lives like that if they’re not parents. I tried to write it off as “it will come eventually” or “it will come when you stop searching” or whatever else they say about finding love; however, the pain of loneliness just kept getting to me. Feeling like I had nothing, no one to take those random walks outside with, no one to share the stupid moments with (the ones where you just do things just because that serve no real purpose). Obviously holidays were the worst so I cut off my social media so I didnt have to see it from others who were happy. It broke me mentally as I that surely by now I would at least meet one guy that I could be happy with. Even at work, everyone kept speaking of their wonderful families and children and whatnot. I buried that pain inward and tried to be strong. I buried myself in my work and alcohol as an excuse for not having a personal life with anyone. I had even contemplated suicide partially because of it. Regardless of where I went to socialize and mingle with new people (bars, clubs, museums, theaters, botanical gardens, you name it) there was not one person who was single and emotionally available to date. Everyone had boyfriends, was married, or wanted someone that knew just as much about Broadway and Drag Race as they did. It shattered me so much that I lost my passion. I lost my will to even care about my own life. Sure I had friends to talk to, but they can only help so much. I spoke to quite a few therapists and pastors and they werent of any help or use. Then I came to the realization that maybe I need to find my passion in life. But im 30! How on earth am I supposed to just find my passion when 1) I have to work all the time, 2) I’m so tired after work that I just want to go home and sleep/drink, and 3) it costs money that I dont have. I tried a few different things such as exercising, changing my wardrobe, giving myself affirmations, telling myself that I’m a catch and I will find purpose in this life. I tried learning new skills such as programming and listening to new music I would never have thought of before, but none of it worked. I found myself so bored with it all. This in fact happens with every new thing I try: I end up getting so bored by it since I dont have a mentor or anyone to connect with about it. The things I do actually enjoy such as fighting games, comic books, and pro wrestling have all been riddled with things that made them unenjoyable to me anymore. I dont know how to go about finding my purpose in life. I tried meditation, going to church, praying, trying to go out into the world, and it left me soulless and dead inside. What pains me even more is that I see so many of my friends who had a mentor (whether it be a teacher, parent, coach, etc…) help them find their passion and purpose in life and I wanted that for myself. Everything I and my mother have (since it was a single parent/only child situation) we earned so without any real passion for what were doing. It didnt make us want to wake up in the morning, like every day was just counting down until the day we died. Nothing really meant anything. And now that my mother is gone, I have no hope, will, passion, love, career, or even desire to live. What makes matters worse is that I fear for my life every day now being a black man in America with the racial tension and whatnot and I cant even confide in my mother or ask her guidance (not that she would have known really what to say either). Every day since her passing, I’ve felt rage, emptiness, anger, loneliness, fear, and despair. Like I said, I have friends, but they can only help so much, especially if I envy how their talents have served them well and being my age while mine have just gotten me a meaningless career. I feel like my entire life is just a big joke. I renounced my faith in Christianity since I could no longer take “it will happen one day” or “God works in mysterious ways” or some other preached excuse for why life is horrible for me seemingly but great for others. I dont even have anything to be thankful for (and no being alive isnt enough, whats the point of life if you’re not doing something with it or dont even have a purpose?). Somedays I am jealous of those less fortunate than me since they can be content with doing what they have to do getting through the day. I had dreams of attaining power and status through my gifts (whatever those are), but I have no one behind me. The only person I did was my mother, though she did what she could, she never had the answer for me. Ive interacted with people from all walks of life and no one could help me. I’ve seen therapists, counselors, pastors, and no one has any useful advice for me, which leaves me feeling like God wants me to figure everything out myself. I even prayed to Him every day for 30 years, read my bible, went to church when I could, and still nothing. Meditation didnt work. Volunteering only left me angry that I was helping someone else but no one could help me despite my pleas. With my mother gone, I feel all alone in this world, like no one truly cares about me. Which goes back to why Im so sad I dont have a significant other. Sure, my friends are there for me, but they cant be there 24/7 or even a large majority of the time, and I try not to be a burden to them. I have to stand on my own two feet, but I dont even know how to stand. The thoughts of depression and suicide constantly course through my mind. Things I once enjoyed I dont anymore.
Sorry if this is long, but I had no where else to go with this. It was on my heart and I wanted to get it off my chest. I just feel so broken, shattered, and hopeless. Im afraid I’ll go these next few years to be old and never find the answers I’m looking for
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