What happens after we die ? I wonder. Am I gonna find myself in a beautiful village with habitants full of love attention who would care for me when I’m sick, be happy for me when I succeed, accompany me in the worst times. We would laugh together about silly jokes, eat every meal together, play outside and take care of Farm animals. The view from our house would be breathtaking and everyone would get along. But most importantly, I would have forgotten everything,, every little bit of abuse, self hatred and abomination from this current life. I really hope this heaven awaits me for I am coming soon.
Stories of Hope
I’ve been more suicidal than I have in a long time. It’s how I found this website. Earlier, I got close, but I saw my rock collection out of the corner of my eye. I hadn’t looked at it in a long time, and I don’t know what compelled me, but I distracted myself by picking up my rock collection, telling myself things I already knew about some of the rocks. Which ones were sea rocks, which ones probably came from a river, etc.
Somehow this distraction led to me absentmindedly cleaning (a tiny bit of) my huge depression mess, and I found some tiny things. I found the receipt from a small shop, from the last time I got boba with my two friends. I found the tag from the stuffed animal my friend gave me for Valentines – it says “chocolate-scented”. I found the random key my other friend gave me, just because she knows I like keys. After finding these tiny things among the mess, I just said to myself – “I’m glad I didn’t kill myself.”
I didn’t even really mean to say it, it just kinda came out. Of course I cried a bunch, before and after, but finding these things was a nice experience. It’s so easy to forget about them sometimes, among the horrible experiences day after day – but I love them so much. I want to keep them somewhere I can see them, like I wanna hang the receipt on my wall or something.
It’s hard, but I will keep going – for the little things like random keys gifted to me and boba receipts, even if it sounds silly.
I used to come to this site a lot as a 13 year old. My username was MadeToFade.
Im Jamie. I’ll be 24 in late July of 2021. Before suicideproject was a .org, I came to type out my feelings. I expressed my frustrations and sadness, but I also conversated with a male 22 years older than myself on that website, underneath the old username Ive given above.
Due to observation by members of the site, it was pointed out that “Nolen” was in fact an adult, and “MadeToFade” was in fact a minor.
I am thankful that someone noticed and felt alarmed enough to say something.
Unfortunately, the observations and comments werent enough for a criminal charge, or much of an interrogation at all.
I am coming to this website now because I have no one to talk to about this particular time in my life. Well, I have a few people (including a licensed therapist) that I could go into detail with, but it is very, very uncomfortable. My hope is that this place will be the one where I can share my experiences openly and readily, as I assume that you, the reader, is not familiar with me personally and probably has no idea what I look like, who my family is, or how exactly this all played out and the shockwaves it has sent throughout my family and into my future.
I am deeply troubled by our world’s treatment of victims, especially in recent years. I am also deeply troubled by false accusations. My experiences are anything but false. I live every day hoping that I die.
Right now it is 1:30am. I have to sleep for work in the morning. Ill be back.
A free e-book about a story of one shut-in’s (Hikikomori) journey with mental health over the span of seven years. This is relevant to the website, it is just a long story in a book instead of one post.
Sharing it here because I just wonder if people feel the same way.
Note: (from Wiktionary)
n.A reclusive person of this kind.
Each and every passing day I get closer and closer to being able to fully commit to killing myself and throughout my life its caused me to take a deeper look at life including my own as a whole.
Life is rife with issues and has begun to feel like its not even worth living for, even with all that I have in this life. Family, friends, acquaintances, and activities are the only things that really keep me in this life living through it all. But even now I find myself giving into these horrid thoughts, even with the kind of blessings I have had. I just feel its become extremely mundane and pointless if nothing is really changing for me even when I try to actively change for better. I feel stuck like I get to see everyone in my life move on and live and I am already dead just being dragged along by time like a walking husk. I hate it. I feel like I’d rather die than have to see another year of any of this. And with every passing year I’ve forced myself to live through, I’d always lie and say I feel better or these last couple years were great for me when in all actuality I feel the same as when I was still at my lowest point. I just can’t let go and I have too much to deal with because of that ineptitude and all of that leaves me totally feeling incompetent, almost less than human. I put off so much in my personal life, my physical health too and now it is affecting my mental health to a varying degree. The littlest things used to never bug me in life but after having just a couple of injuries and recovering from them but having the lingering pains and than newer injuries occur I am questioning what is the worth in doing anything active anymore that I really enjoy to do in my life, and I am not even an old man yet… I just want to give up already on everything and everyone because of all these things I can’t seem to change or do or keep on top off fill me with suffering and regret. I don’t want to live my life for others expectations anymore and feel like I am betraying everyone every time I quit at something because I can’t do whatever it is that is needed of me to do. If I stuck everything out it would do more harm because I’d really end up killing myself eventually because of health reasons I am not on top off and mismanaging. Also if I got a hold of money and was in more of a mindset to fully commit to it that might finally set me over the edge and I might give in to such thoughts. In the back of my mind its always there as a reminder to not slip and let go like that. It hurts because you begin to self identify with being a failure in life and you honestly just want an excuse to flunk out of all the bs which life puts you through but in a sense are too much of a failure to fully go through with something so horrible either. I don’t see the good in things like I used to either, even if I still try to see the good I end up seeing more of the bad and it impacts me more than good used to. Its gotten to a point where I spend hours randomly searching the internet to understand what is wrong with me or how to process my own suffering without totally giving into it and acting out in self destructive behavior.
With each and every passing day it just gets worse and worse though and honestly speaking I am afraid to grow old and my suffering get to such a level where I become an even more pitiable existence than I feel like now. If I imagine my life in the future I probably won’t live to be 30 with how I am managing everything and I am around my mid 20s already. I don’t see a way out really without making major changes. It feels like I have lost some greater part of my own human capacity to be able to even handle anything normal in life. The harder I think about it too the more it feels like I am confirming my worse fears that there is no real or true hope for this life currently with such an outlook. And that I don’t want to really be here existing anymore how I am currently and it doesn’t matter with whatever I have to hold on to for none of it is truly my own in reality. Its gotten to the point where with each and every passing day there is a prolonging of some inevitable unforeseen circumstance that finally marks my end day upon this Earth, and the only real thing I can think off is to kill my current self. Not so much as a physical or maybe even mental death but an image and way of life death. I must kill the part of me on the inside that is suffering and be able to move on. Its easy to say but hard to accomplish and I have been through many years where I have had to deconstruct in little ways but eventually I screw up or my current ways of life gets in the way of the life I want to live.
Despite all that I’ve gotta keep living till the last day or until I guess I decide on what course of action needs to be taken but I may never know when that day comes because it can be tomorrow or it can even be when I am of old age. All I know is this is one life. If this is the only life I have I might as well do as much good as I can before I die even if I end up dead because of circumstance pertaining to how I am living. We should all at least strive to not add on to the problem but to give back something to the world which it has given us. Having a strong sense to give back the good in life so others can se the good as well is what keeps me morally rooted and content mainly with my current suffering. But even so I can’t give enough to care about myself which is hard for those in my life who tell me to lean on them for help. I feel morally wrong and sick whenever I have to rely on my parents for anything even if they are okay with it. It kills me and makes me sick of my life in those instances. I don’t have a clear plan for things on what to do and how to even get started in life and always ask questions about how to do this or that even as an adult which leaves me feeling like I have a lack of clear comprehension. I am not stupid but I lack a lot of necessary common sense that I have been plagued with since I was younger and that gets me into a lot of social issues which caused turmoil in life because I feel so disconnected from my friends and peers. I can’t understand major differences in society or read social cues at times or even read too far into some things. I am a good person though and love helping people even but many times I often get taken advantage of or even taken for granted. I always feel overly obligated though like I must or I need or have to do whatever it is or I should just die. Even whenever I stray from being treated like that I often feel worse than if I just blindly did whatever someone told me to do despite knowing it is not goof really too. Its hard for me to discern whether I am being verbally abused/ manipulated or not either but I clearly understand physical abuse. My only options are to talk these things out with people in my life and get a constant feedback of what I should do or not almost like a robot at times. I used to be able to leave and do things on my own even but now I just don’t want to do anything anymore for the most irrational of feelings/ aversions. I never had a natural aversion to living life fully in my past but after experiencing being at the bottom for my self personally I felt the power to be able to even function leave me.
My hope for anyone reading this is that you try and find happiness even if you are suffering right now or feel extremely depressed or suicidal even. It sounds impossible but there is a balance with all this and if you can’t find it start by being a good person. It sounds like fluff talk but everyone should hear it and that is to be a good person for yourself and to others who really deserve it. Don’t fall unto a destructive path where you begin to neglect your health because you are too overly concerned for others though. Don’t internalize others suffering because it is theirs and theirs alone to feel. It is uniquely saddening for everyone and distressing to have to read of someones suffering but there is hope in the suffering. Reading some posts helps me a whole lot to process the raw emotions and feelings of grief. It helps you know that even through we all may suffer from different reasons whatever it is we are feeling is real and its not a one off thing.
Suicide statistics are scary. When you begin to think about it all you begin to tell yourself, “I don’t want to become another statistic.” This world is a sick world and humanity can’t seem to help itself with these complex issues. When there is no one to blame really people will begin to look at those who’d say they want to die and stigmatize them further. Society is often harsh like that and I honestly think humanity doesn’t have a capacity to understand these issues fully and give it the attention it needs without exacerbating the issue and acting like they tried all the could to prevent a person from suicide. We lock people up who have issues like that and we try to correct those thoughts by heavily medicating them and that’s really the best we can do… Its a sick world we live in and the only hope I can salvage from such a world is that maybe something comes and totally destroys the current world. Until 2020 I was praying/hoping that humanity would get some sort of wake up call and maybe things would change for better. Oh boy was I praying/hoping for the wrong thing(lol). Not only did this pandemic happen but many of us also lost loved ones and those close to us. It was awful not since going through total rock bottom had I ever felt closer to it and it hit for me during lock down. I hoped I could have gotten sick too from it sadly. But I didn’t and am fully vaccinated and can feel the 5G coursing through me(lol). I know its not much but it honestly helps to have a sense of humor in all of the suffering even when you get to the point of pulling your hair out. It helps to breath and understand that this life really is only temporary and if you are going to have to live it you might as well live by your own terms and not by other peoples standards. I am already an adult and I still struggle with this and it causes me to feel like I am not fully living my own life.
I’d like to honestly live a good life and live with real purpose. At least its what I tell myself as a bargain to keep alive mainly. And if it wasn’t truly worth it I would have took the chances I had as a child to leave this world. There were close calls where my air-headed actions had almost got me killed but because I had people in my life who were vigilant and who cared, they could easily stop me from doing anything stupid. I may have been suicide prone without really knowing too but as I became older I became more afraid of death and as I sought to reconcile with those thoughts early I did research and found that there isn’t really any valid proof asides people saying they died and were revived and saw things. I take it with a grain of salt really. But I grew to have my own beliefs about what dying means and what death is and where we go if there is a something or nothing even. I came to the belief that when you die you return to a state of formlessness like imagination waiting to be grabbed at. When dead, if you’d really call it having a soul or spirit, whatever it is that is making the living process goes to become apart of something unforeseen in our world and it is a mass of all of those who have died and passed on. For whatever reason the life that leaves us congregates there to this mass of others like itself and awaits maybe to be reused again inside a vessel. But in this process the life force is being purged/null out of the suffering/damage that had occurred from the body carrying the life force while it was actively living. This crazy belief has brought me to the conclusion that there isn’t much after death really and that which drives us while alive can’t really make sense of everything without a brain to use. When it is formless or simply put just life force it is like all basic forms of things but probably even more so on a more astounding and undiscovered basic level of measurement. That could mean that all life no matter how small has this life force and is pretty much the same as even humans at the most basic level. Maybe its something yet to be discovered in Life Sciences who knows. I know that at the most basic levels we are made up of matter, atoms which chain molecules which make up our bodies DNA and leads to a structuralization of complex systems throughout our body made up of tissues and organs. All I know is that being alive is very weird. It feels strangely wrong at times. I feel like there is more to be apart of after death that something inside me knows but I also have a feeling that when I die that this bodies ability to be able to comprehend anything, even its own inevitable death, will cease to make understanding of where the life force will be after death. This is just a material world really but there is probably more than meets the eye and for all we know there is a whole study that will have to be developed just for something that is so intangible.
Back when I was in high school this major epiphany had hit me. I had a moment where something had hit me like an idea that struck like lightning and that’s that we are all made of this all encompassing energy or at the most pure state of our existences we are all beings of pure energy. It can easily be influenced by this body and living life and there is some corruption factorized into it because of what it goes through. I had the idea that maybe all these religions which talked about supernatural existences where all real in a sense if you where to make the case scientifically that whatever it is exists because it is pure energy it would completely go unnoticed because we can’t perceive its phantom existence even if we can go ahead and say that energy is coursing all around us in this universe. We can’t really call the Earth as being something which is alive either or the other planets in this solar system or even the Sun as being alive and yet they are full of energy. Einstein made the major correlation that there is a mass energy equivalence and yet we can’t completely understand why we exist the way we do. If matter can exist as a particle and wave all at once can’t that just mean that we exist in some form as an embodiment of waves too all while being made up of these particles. When we die and the particles can’t make use of the energy anymore wouldn’t our waves separate from the mass that can’t contain itself anymore. And where does it go if it never disappears? I believe that it then becomes apart of something else we just can’t see or explain really yet and that it is here throughout the universe. The only thing is whether we still retain the sense of self we are familiar with or whether we just simply exist in such a state as to be asleep in a sense. The energy can exist without vessel so to say but needs one in order to comprehend being alive in the biological sense.
Life can be hard and cause you to succumb to such madness as making sense out of everything and trying to even relate to death. At most we should try and perceive life’s mysteries as best as we can to better relay how we need to live our lives. Even if all seems meaningless there is a greater meaning to all in this universe so if you ever get to that point where you question your own life try to make sense of what life really is. I know it sounds like rambling but it really does help you if you look at this biological process as more than just suffering because its a chance to be able to live in a physical sense.
I don’t know how to fully explain this feeling.I’m certain that I’m going to die soon. Actually I’ve been taking antidepressants on and off (SSRI) and I would take 5 mg for days then switch to ten, then not take it for some days really depending on my moods. Honestly, I got very paranoid I felt like taking them would change me completely and make me an idiot for the rest of my life. I also had some very troubling thoughts about burning myself it was almost as if I was obsessing over the idea of doing it . I wanted to burn myself to death so bad. I just stopped taking them abruptly. It’s been three months that I haven’t seen my psychiatrist and now I’m obssessing about my death.Btw I’m diagnosed with severe depression.I can’t stop thinking that I’m going to die soon, I’m not as depressed as I was before it just feels like I’m not living in reality idk it’s just a very weird feeling I feel like I’m dreaming and I’m always distracted I can’t concentrate on anything. This is so weird it’s scaring me. At times I feel like someone’s watching me or I can’t look at myself on the mirror because I feel like I’m looking at the devil.It’s very hard to explain, I feel like there is someone in me trying to hurt me, someone whispering to me that I should burn or die. And I get so overwhelmed by that voice that I find myself very close to doing what is being said to me then in a blink of an eye I feel like I’m back to reality and everything feels like it was a dream. Once I got guided to the rooftop and I was standing at the edge about to jump, it almost felt like I was mesmerized. Other times I burn myself pretty badly ( third degree burns) it makes me laugh hysterically.I feel ecstatic. My response to pain is very abnormal especially to being burned. Please give me some advice idk what the hell is happening
I’ve fought so hard for this. My whole life, I’ve never been able to feel positive emotions . I can remember some memories from when I truly felt joy, when I used to hang out with some friends but nothing more than that. I’ve spent hours days trying to dig up some happy memories but nothing. I’m nothing more than an abused child, nothing more than my past. I wanna be able to feel something, anything. All I can think about nonstop is how to hurt myself. I’ve thought about burning myself to death, cutting a finger, breaking a leg. Some very violent ideas are living in my mind. Anger is all I have. When I hurt myself I feel so much better, not just better I feel ecstatic. I start laughing hysterically. I’ve tried using hunger to stop these thoughts, I’d drink and eat nothing for a day or two , it worked for a while but not anymore. I often get these intrusive thoughts where I kill my abuser, a family member, or my cat. It feels so real. I know I wouldn’t hurt anyone, I couldn’t. The most I do is scream at my mother and then apologize right after. I’ve been thinking about telling someone else to break my leg or jumping from the rooftop. I wonder how I would feel when greater pain is inflicted on me. The most ecstatic I’ve felt is when I’ve burned myself. Left some very naughty scars on my arm, now I can’t wear t-shirts even tho it’s fucking hot out here. Doesn’t matter, I just wonder how it’d feel to have my whole body burned. I get goosebumps just by thinking about it. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but this isn’t normal is it ? I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression and I’ve been taking antidepressants on and off. I started taking them again today tho. I can’t concentrate on my studies, and I have less than a month left for my finals. Everything is on the stake. If I get a bad grade, I’ll probably just kill myself. Somebody please give me some advice, I’d do anything.
never in my life have I found a community like this one, a community so unapologetically open about their pain. it’s such a breath of fresh air. i feel.. so much less alone when i read & write here. the ability to share my story, my struggles, my feelings, and my trauma here has saved me. the thing about trauma is that it’s so taboo, i can never talk about it. i have to keep it shoved away in a lock box- but not here. here i can scream, and cry, and experience my unrelenting rage with no shame. here, i get to struggle.
i get to struggle and i’m not alone.
Hey my friends ! I really wanna know how everybody’s doing. What’s something that made you laugh this past week? Did you run into an old acquaintance? How is life right now ?
I think i might suffer from ptsd And my relationship with my father is pretty bad. We’ve never been really close especially after some events that happened in my childhood. Long story short, verbal and physical abuse. He even used to beat my cat. At best, he would totally ignore my existence, greeting everyone on the table except me, at worst call me a dog in front of guests, whispering that i was digusting. I was pretty badly beaten by my sibling n he n my mum would make me apologize everytime that happened. It was pretty rough man. Sometimes i wonder how i made It out alive. I’m pretty weak personality and emotions wise. I’ve learned how to be obedient so now we just act like nothing happened. I laugh when he makes jokes, greet him with a smile, listen to his crap. Overall, I’m just really afraid of him. Whenever we’re alone, I feel my heart tightening up n time moves slowly. I just can’t take it anymore. I feel like a waken person living with zombies. They act as if nothing happened n I have to fucking play along. Today, my dad called me couldn’t stop fucking talking about what he did today then he started lecturing me about communication skills and how I should be forgiving. Man, something inside me just cracked. Some pretty violent ideas came through my mind, I fucking hate him, I hate this, everything. I fucking wanna die. He destroyed every little piece of self esteem I’ve tried building these days. Now back to point 0. God help me, idk what to do anymore. I have some very important exams coming up, and I’m so behind. I wanna get out of here, I wanna go home, i wanna feel warmth n love. Being severely depressed doesn’t help. There’s just nothing in me. Please I need advice, somebody help me out I beg you.
I’m really losing my mind and i don’t know what to do. i just can’t get used to this feeling, the sadness, the hopelessness. I feel nothing. The only two emotions that exist in my mind are anger and sadness. I don’t wanna die but Im extremely tired. My psychiatrist prescribed antidepressants , but i don’t know i’ve read so many bad things abt them. I’m afraid that they would change me or make me « dumber ». If someone has already tried em, please help me out.
This isn’t the one about the editor or the one about the illustrator.
it’s been so long since I posted here
Im 19 now, I dropped out- listen, university ISNT for everyone. Especially if you’re rushing things.
my dad is back in Honduras again, I mean I’m happy about that at least. I’m afraid he’ll come back.. I know he will.
to hurt us.
im doing.. okay? I guess, I don’t know how to put it, i role play as ponies, My Little Pony OCS, they’re fun actually. I used to role play before, but I drifted away after I turned 15… then im back in it again. Oh how the world goes in a circle.
i get paid with unemployment money, I mean it’s not a lot, hahah America. but I feel.. not happy? I just.. feel safe.
I feel safe he’s not gonna grab my neck and choke me out.
I feel safe.. calmer..
Im not saying my depression and suicidal thoughts are gone, nah.
They’re still there. I always hear them, that I’m not good enough, or I’m a piece of garbage. Hah.
I go “Ay Naku!” Everytime i self deprecate. It’s terrible.
But sometimes I’m happy where I am, my art has improved so much over the years, and I’ve grown as a person to help my friends. Sure I have my panic attacks, anxiety attacks, mental breakdown, trauma… but I know things will get better. I just have to keep living.
I hope you guys can all too. It’s hard, huh?
Forewarning: this post may contain triggers for victims of sexual assault, drug addiction, homelessness, domestic violence, self harm.
Resilience has always been my ally. I first posted to this forum for help when I was 12. To be completely honest , I’m a little surprised to be writing this right now.
Unfortunately, although my resilience got me this far (I’m to turn 23 on January, the 5th), I’m struggling to see beyond the current moment, unless I want to feed the intrusive thoughts and disgust that I feel. I can’t fake positivity and I don’t have the energy to pursue real happiness. I feel like some sick dramatization of a malnourished ivory lab rat. It’s ruby eyes dancing wildly through a maze, that I never willingly entered. And, I’m to feel selfish for wanting out?
I’ve been unemployed since April 2020. Since then, I’ve done whatever I could to make sure I kept myself off the streets again. I ended up living in a barn for three months outside of Portland OR. To my perplexity, I somehow managed to keep my estrogen levels relatively stable during that time. And, was able to avoid any major mental breakdowns. Despite jumping off a bridge, an awkward family reunion and getting attacked by 4 people in a parking lot… the summer seemed pretty normal. I was fortunate enough to move into a cozy house with 3 friends. I really love it here but, I get denied nearly every job that I apply for. Most of the time, when I do get selected for a position, I’m turned away before even starting due to my criminal background (from 3 years ago) when I was shooting meth and heroin.
Side note: After over dosing a handful of times and realizing I had hope, I was able to gather myself and save enough money to move to PDX and escape my old circles.
Sorry… as I was saying. Finding work has been tough. I started doing full service sex work without telling my boyfriend because, I know he doesn’t have the money and if I don’t pay my rent, I’ll have to move back to where my corruption started. Where everyone knows me as a boy turned woman. And, I know that he isn’t attached enough for a distanced relationship.
Onyx (background) skip if my love life doesn’t interest you??: I met onyx a year ago after breaking things off with a ridiculously abusive partner. This past partner went as far as to pour lube on my head and spit in my face (because I refused sex), pushed me in front of a moving vehicle and spread my contact information and social media on Reddit. Following this final stab, I received hours of call after call and man after man asking me for a $20 blowjob or threatening to come to my address and kill me for being trans. I was feeling pretty low and living in a mold covered apartment with no real path in sight. And then Onyx popped in. I felt excited to wake up and found myself full of energy even if the day was long. But, this was short lived and he slowly clued me in on Nicolette. She’s everything I could’ve possibly wanted to be at that time and couldn’t possibly achieve over night. Things got muddy and he ended up ghosting me to continue his relationship with her. During these months I worked at a sex club and was raped at work multiple times. I tried telling a co-worker and they told me it was my fault because I didn’t yell for help. A few months later, Oynx and Nicolette broke up and I was seeing someone else. But, on the same exact mf day that I broke up with that person, Onyx texted me after 3 months of silence. I debated ignoring him but, I just couldn’t. And now, we’re still together but, I feel so alone in the relationship. And with the secret sex work, I just can’t see a future for us. And when I try to be a good girlfriend, it just feels fake. I asked him about monogamy and he basically said it would hurt him if I was seeing anyone else but, he shouldn’t be expected to love me forever…
Which means, I’ll have to handle my new job moving bodies for a morgue, practically by myself with no solid support system. Moving. Bodies. …
I’ve seen relatives in caskets, best friend died in her car and 3 people have tried to commit suicide in front of me. The first one was bloody. The second was drug related. And, the third was probably the worst. So, I’ll leave it at that.
and I’ve attempted with intent to kill, 3 times myself.
I don’t want this career to ruin my sanity. I know I need a therapist but, I don’t like meds or trusting strangers. And, I want to be with Onyx but, when I try to talk to him about what’s going on and how I feel, he just checks out and tells me that my feelings are my responsibility. I just wish he would take the time to deal with me. I’m supposed to go back to where I’m from in 2 days to see my aunt; for the holidays. I’m hoping the trip with be a sort of refuge so I can gather my thoughts and decide if this shit is actually worth it to me anymore. Until then I guess.?? And thank you for bearing with the mess; if you have. I appreciate you.-MustardTea
Hi, I think you may enjoy the following letter, please watch the video too, if you wish ^^,
This letter was sent in 1855 by Native American Chief Seattle of the Duwamish Tribe to Franklin Pierce, President of the United States in response to an offer to purchase the Dwamish lands in the North East of the US, currently Washington State. The Native Americans were powerfully bound to the earth; the idea of property was foreign to them, and they actually considered the earth to own humankind. This was the Chief’s moving, heartfelt letter:
The Great Chief in Washington sends word that he wishes to buy our land. The Great Chief also sends us words of friendship and good will. This is kind of him, since we know he has little need of our friendship in return. But we will consider your offer, for we know if we do not so the white man may come with guns and take our land. What Chief Seattle says you can count on as truly as our white brothers can count on the return of the seasons. My words are like the stars –they do not set.
How can you buy or sell the sky –the warmth of the land? The idea is strange to us. Yet we do not own the freshness of the air or the sparkle of the water. How can you buy them from us? We will decide in our time. Every part of this earth is sacred to my people. Every shining pine needle, every sandy shore, every mist in the dark woods, every clearing, and every humming insect is holy in the memory and experience of my people. The sap that runs through the trees carries the memories of the red-skinned man.
The dead among the white man forget their birthplace when they leave to walk among the stars. Our dead never forget this beautiful earth because she is the redman’s mother. We are part of the earth and she is part of us. The scented flowers are our sisters: the horned beasts, the horse and the majestic eagle are our brothers. The fields, the warm body of the foal and man, all belong to the same family. Thus when the Great Chief in Washington sends word that he wishes to buy our lands, he is asking for a great deal. The Great Chief sends word that he will reserve a space for us to live comfortably with each other. He will be our father and we will be his children. Because of this, we will consider his offer to buy our lands. But this will not be easy, because these lands are a sacred to us. The sparkling water that runs in the rivers and streams is not only water; it is the blood of our ancestors. if we sell you these lands, you must remember that they are sacred, and teach your children that they are, and that every ghostly reflection in the clear waters of the lakes speaks of the lives and memories of the life of my people. The murmur of the stream is the voice of my father’s father.
The rivers are our sisters, and calm our thirst. The rivers carry our canoes and feed our children. If we sell you our lands, you must remember and teach your children that the rivers are our kin and your kin; you must henceforth treat the rivers as kindly as you would your brothers and sisters.
We know that the white man does not understand our ways. One portion of land is the same to him as the next, for he is a stranger who comes in the night and takes from the land whatever he needs. The earth is not his brother, but his enemy, and when he has conquered it, he moves on. He leaves his father’s graves and his children’s birthright is forgotten. He strips the earth from his children and cares not. He forgets his father’s tomb and the rights of his children. He treats his mother, the earth, and his brother the heavens, as if they were things that could be bought, plundered and sold, as though they were lambs and glass beads. His insatiable hunger will devour the earth and leave behind a desert.
I do not understand. Our ways are different to yours. The sight of your cities pains the eyes of the redman. But perhaps it is because the redman is a savage and does not understand. There is no quiet place in the white man’s cities. No place to listen to the leaves of spring or the rustle of insect wings. But perhaps because I am a savage and do not understand –the clatter only seems to insult the ears. And what is there to life if a man cannot hear the lovely cry of the whippoorwill or the arguments of the frogs around a pond at night? I am a redman and I do not understand.
The Indian prefers the soft sound of the wind itself cleansed by a mid-day rain, or scented by a pinõn pine.
The air is precious to the redman. For all things share the same breath –the beasts, the trees, and the man. The white man does not seem to notice the air he breathes. Like a man dying for many days, he is numb to the stench. If we sell you our lands, you must remember that the air is precious to us, that the air shares its spirit with all the life it sustains. And, if we sell you our lands, you must set them aside and keep them sacred as a place that even the white man may go to to taste the wind sweetened by the flowers in the grasslands.
If I decide to accept your offer, I will make one condition. The white man must treat the beasts of this land as his brothers. I am a savage and I do not understand any other way. I have seen thousands of rotting buffaloes on the prairie left by the white man who shot them from a passing train. I am a savage and do not understand how the smoking iron horse can be more important than the buffalo that we kill only to stay alive. What is man without the beasts? If all the beasts were gone, men would die from great loneliness of spirit, for whatever happens to the beast also happens to the man. All things are connected. Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of the earth.
You must teach your children that the ground beneath their feet is the ashes of their grandparents. In order that they may respect the earth, teach them that the earth is full of the life of our ancestors. You must teach your children what we have taught ours: that the earth is our mother. Everything that affects the earth affects the sons of the earth. When men spit on the ground they spit on themselves.
We know this: the earth does not belong to man. Man belongs to the earth. Man has not woven the net of life: he is just a thread in it. Everything he does to this net he does to himself. What befalls the earth will befall the sons of the earth. We know this. All things are bound up in each other like the blood that binds the family.
Even the white man, whose God walks with him and speaks with him, cannot be excluded from a common destiny. We may even be brothers in the end. We will see. One thing we know that the white man may one day discover. Our God is the same God. You may think that you own him as you wish to own our land, but you cannot. He is the Body of man, and his compassion is equal for the redman and the white. This earth is precious to him, and to harm the earth is to heap contempt on its Creator. The whites, too, shall pass – perhaps sooner than other tribes. Continue to contaminate your bed, and you will one night suffocate in your own waste. But even in your last hours you will feel illuminated by the idea that God brought you to these lands and gave you a special purpose, and ownership over them and over the redman. When the buffalo are all slaughtered, the wild horses all tamed, the secret corners of the forest heavy with the scent of many men, and the view of the ripe hills blotted by the talking wires, where is the thicket? Gone. Where is the eagle? Gone. And what is it to say goodbye to the swift and the hunt? The end of living and the beginning of survival.
The video is in the link, the Vimeo of beautiful Yosemite Park <3
You might be invisible, but I can see you standing on every corner of my mind.
Do I report an invisible man?
Do I report a faceless and voiceless man?
I still remember what you did to me that year
That summer day where you ruin my life
I remember what you wanted to do with me
I remember everything, yet your face is still a blur
Who am I suppose to run from?
Who am I suppose to hide from?
I still feel you
I can feel how you pushed me against that house
Your hands were two, but they felt like two millions
millions of hands all over my body
Trying to rip my clothes off
Am I grateful to be here?
I still think about that
I sometimes wish you’d killed me
I have constant nightmares and panic attacks
I don’t know who you are but I hate you
I don’t know you name but I hate it
I close my eyes and you are there
I cross the street and you are there
It’s so ironic really
I sometimes think i’m still there
That I never got away from you
Maybe i’m still there and all my life it’s really a fantasy i’m having
Maybe my nightmares are not nightmares, they are real.
Maybe my life is not my life
My name is Niki Wonoto. I am from Jakarta, Indonesia.
I am severely depressed & suicidal. I feel so alone, nobody cares, even if I die.
I’m 38 years old loser & failure. Maybe better to just die.
Hey, I’m 18 y/o I went through shit In my life I’m Muslim and Gay and Diabetic and Mentally ill and Unstable. Because Nobody Knows About my mental issues I couldn’t Go to a therapist, So I searched online for some test Wish. I found one wish Seemed Very Detailed, Professional and True It took between 20-25 min to finish it. I got the Results They were:
1-Majored Depressive disorder: 97%
2-Manic Episodes: 33%
4-Generalized Anxiety Disorder: 94%
5-Panic Disorder: 44%
I was a Bit shook I thought I might Get higher Results. I Had a “Boyfriend” well I thought He was. He only wanted me for sex I was Ok wish it as long as I can see him. I’m suicidal But I cannot do it Cause Its prohibited In my religion. I have to live Like this, I’m That kind of friend that Is good with everyone ever good with people who do me bad. I forgive people And I Keep my feelings Inside I don’t wanna make someone SAD because Of me, I want all of them to be happy even if it means I have to keep it in. That “BF” I told u about I had a Strong feeling for him I loved Him So mush I would Do everything for him Even though we didn’t talk that mush. I have problems In my family. My father Drinks And Always Screams at mom. When I was a Kid, I saw Porn In his Phone. I don’t know what was going on in my head when I saw that. My dad and Mom used to fight all the time, They think I’m this angle And I’m good and I know everything and I can take care of myself, But I don’t I always Thought That there is something wrong with me I have this person In me IDK If Its someone else or is it just me I would Talk with him and Fight With him over why Did I do that And That I won’t do it next time and I would beat him, He is called “Feelings” He used to make feel better by telling that I’m good and I’m smart and Get me motivated now When Ever I talk to him He makes me feel worst, I think a lot that’s what Led Me to Forget a lot. I actually forget things Fast REALLY FAST. I would sit Hating on the fact that “I’M GAY” I hate it a lot I never Had someone To love Me and If Someone DID he would prob be someone I meet Online and Not a real friend. People online Love me more than actual people, I told my best friend “That I’m gay” He said Things That Hurt My feelings But As Always I keep it in its like a system That automatically Hides my emotions. I saw things I didn’t wanna see I would cry If U scream at me, Never ever been Me I’m always What People think I am, To the point where I lost My real Me, I loved everyone Never talked about someone In his Back, Never Made someone angry, Never Fought With someone I can’t protect myself I’m weak, I always wanted to do things But I can’t Cause I don’t have enough support. I’m traumatized I would always fight myself Always I would Be talking with someone and as soon as he/she leaves The noise Comes back and the thoughts. I told people who I am And I wish I didn’t They hurt me But Still I can’t do anything I would just act as if They didn’t do
So Remember The Test I told U about at the beginning Well Iv Done It again But after 3 months and Look what I got (Even worst results):
1-Majored Depressive disorder: 97%
2-Manic Episodes: 63%
4-Generalized Anxiety Disorder: 81%
5-Panic Disorder: 74%
(This Is what I remember But there is more things then this)
EDIT: The Same Test But after like 6 months or something 06/02/2021:
1-Majored Depressive disorder: 100%
2-Manic Episodes: 100%
4-Generalized Anxiety Disorder: 94%
5-Panic Disorder: 46%
7- Bipolar DISSORDER (New): 100%
hope u guys safe <3
Ive been betrayed, abused, mentally fucked, cheated, lied to , spied on, stolen from, robbed of happyness and all my belongings, caged in psych wards, my entire life… But it occured to me, a few years ago… That I too, live in some kind of floating box CIA prison , the same as Terry A Davis claimed he did, and explained… For over 20 years. Even in my youth, people shit on me, talk down to me, betray me. .. fuck me over… The suicide attempts, the depression, the pain i went through, the betrayals…. I never knew I lived in some kind of prison that followed me around until a few years ago, I didnt know that this life was a construct around me, with the deliberate purpose of torturing me… the entire “gangstalking” things is a cover up, honey trap, for the real victims to run to online, where they just abuse them more, and discredit them.. a whole fiasco, a shit show. a mockery of the true “target” of theirs. .. . what a fucking joke. the jokes on me. as Terry A Davis said, “i live in a cia prison, a ****** runs my prison” …… yeah…. Yeah sure, we developed all the symptoms of schizophrenia, most heavily abused people do. It didnt come natural. We werent given a chance in life. To be normal. Because we think differently. We dont suck societies cock. We arent pussies. We dont conform like sheep following a trend. Thats cool. Thats punk rock. Terry A Davis , id like to say I can make it until the day comes, where this torture shit , the truth is revealed. And i will try. But today is a bad day. Im pretty down. I joined this site to rant. To express my pain and sorrow. Sometimes I dont know if I can make it another day. What a shit life. I will try to see the day this is exposed and get some kind of vindication for you. If for nothing else.