Suicidal Survivors

I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I never said i was a good person. Ive always said i was a bad person. Am i? But is there really a black and white definition of a good person or a bad person? Most would say its your actions that speak your truth. But everyone has been horrid or a little rude to someone and everyone has been the slightest bit sweet to another. Where is the breaking point? Where is the point of no return? When does good become bad…and can you have a come back?
I ask you this because ive been cruel and ive been sweet but i have no clue which side of the bar i stand on. Ive ruined people. I have hurt them so deep they wont beable to forget my face or the words that have pierced them like a thousand razor blades. The scar only worsened by its resurfacing in the mind. But i have also been a person that has helped someone off the ledge. Held theyre hand in the deepest darkest depths of hell and gave them the courage to climb theyre way out. Well i cant say i did that. They did it themselves. They only heard words and turned them into something beautiful.
I feel no matter how much i try to become better my sins with be latched to me as shackles dragging me closer and closer to hell. Ive watched what ive said, what ive done. ive been more courtious. But the thoughts…my thoughts are like a wild fire. Spreading to every bone nerve and cell. Hoping to take all the anger, the hurt,betrayal and spreading it to everyone like the plague. Rain a million arrows over there sky till they can no longer see the sun shine. Why should they be happy? what did they do right? What did i do wrong to turn into such a twisted mess?
But then sometimes theres this other voice that comes to light. No one deserves to be in pain. No one should feel alone or that the world is against them. That no matter how locked away or how small they make themselves…they’re never safe. That theres no peraon or place left to go.
Ik ik the question is, “where are you going with this?”
The honest truth is i have no idea. I have no voice in my day to day interactions. This is a place to be heard.
Heres my story of wherei am today. If your willing. For all i know youve scrolled on.
I grew up in fairport till i was 7. My mom split when i was 2. I was left when my father and my sister. My dad was a sad, angry man. For a good 6 years my dad couldnt handle the sight of my sister and i because we reminded him of our mother too much. We stayed with my older sister and her kids a lot. Shes considered crazy by doctors. So why he thought that was a good situation is beyond me. But remember when i did see my father he was always cry. Sometimes i cried with him. We left fairport to rochester to be closer to my sister and near his job. I jad to say goodbye to my few friends. Thats when life started to get lonely. I only had a sister i fought with constantly and a father who was always mad. He’d scream a lot. My escape was staying at my older sisters. My neices and nephews were fun to play with. Until one wasnt. My neice was fucked up by another person. She did things to me she shouldnt have because they were being done to her. I was 8, she was 12. This was the firat rime i wanted to die. She told me if i wanted cash to talk to her step dad. I being 8 didnt think much of it. Never visited again. She endes up pregnant and her step dad ended up in prison. My older sister got onto bad terms with my dad so i never got to see them till way later.
I entered my new school in 3rd grade. No one talked to me and i was very quiet and shy. Pluse i was a weird kid. They were worried about me to so would always send me to talk to someone in school. I didnt make ant friends for a few years. In 5th grade the teacher made a rule no one could sit alone so i didnt sit alone.
The only reson i ended up with friwnds was yth grade this girl wouldnt leave me alone until i agreed we were friends. She introduced me to my future nightmare, mags. Mags and i were inseperable until 10th grade when she got caught drinking underage. She got me into drinking,smoking, ya know…bad stuff haha she moved away to her. (More to her later)But right before she did she introduced me to my second worst nightmare. Jake. I thought it was love at first sight.i was 15. We talked all summer long while he was on vacay. He came back and he imediatwly cheated on me. I easily fargave him but it was the wrong choice. We had a 4 yr toxic relationship…raised voices,slapping, pushing…i thiught it was love…it wasnt. One day a nice morning with the sunlight shining in we were in his bed. I was 17. We’d already done it. But..this time ws different. I didnt want to. I pushed him away until it didnt work. With all the shock in my body. Nothing came out. Not even a whisper…no words. This was the second time i wanted to die. I tried to o.d. on pills i vomited and went back to life like nothing happened.
Time passed and i gained some new friends. Bry and pugz. I still to this day dont know what id do without bry. My conscience, my rock. Pugz still a great funny girl.Mags came back and she brought raina with her. We were what most considered stoners. Till i went to the wrong dealer. I started to find a new frenzy in the worst of times.we come back to this.
I graduated high school barely. I was told i was lucky. I passes by the skin of my teeth. I disnt know what i was going to do. I went to beauty school to find out it wasnt meant for me. Instead of doing anything worth while. I hung out with friends all the time, getting high, dping nothing. One random day in the summer K (old friends ex i was therapist buddies with, told each other everything) wanted to chill and go see a movie. We chilled for a while drove around. We randly tickeled each other. Until je said kewp it up he’ll pull over. I tried to call hia blufd but he did. At a random garage. I got out smoked ww chit chated. We got back in the car still talking. He tickled me so i tickled back..
But then he reached over and put my seat back. He got on top of me grinding his body on mine. I didnt want anything. I said to stop.He kissed and licked my neck and whispered i know you want to. I told him no but he continued what he was doing. ” ur telling me this isnt what you want”. I said no. He pushed himself against me one more time before getting off. I cried all the way home. A moment i learned no matter how close u cant trust anyone.(he contacted me a few days ago asking to chill, we talked about him seeing a movie with his girl it was theyre first date… The movie we were supposed to see that night, my stomach churned at the memory)
….I kept up with my secret nose candy. No one new except a few. Dating someone whos friends with a dealers girl makes it hard to to continue. Thay relationship was based aeound the drug and endes abruptly and it was the first rime i tried to be clean…but then i found zac…someone i still love to this day..best 6 months of my life it felt like. Partying, making lots of friends, i got skinny and felt beautiful, i had a decent job. But under the fun mask i felt lost in my past and broken down…the drug was my way to cope and to blend in. He dumped me…and i spiraled put of control until i ended up in rehab. I feel like it gave me a fresh start. I met so many people i could relate to. But when i lwft my safe haven was gone and ot felt like i was back where i started. Beoken and scared.
I moved in woth my mom amd my step dad who were having problems. I told my mom stuff my step dad told me and he kicked me out after 2 months. I guess u shouldnt tell ur mom ir step dads sewing and talking to his ex….moves back in woth my dad i was around my friends but after being gone for so long they didnt feel like my friends anymore. Except bry, zac, pugz and mags. Mags moved in when i moved back. Zac was so sweet to me again. We started the flame again. But one night he had to work l, a guy i went to high school with asked me if i wanted to go to a fire with him and his friend. It was in the woods. We were all drinking. We all jumped into the cold creek. I remember laying by the fire to warm up. I blacked out or passed out idk but I came to when i realized a dick was being shoved to the back of my throat top speed. The other trying to fuck me. I pushed them off and grabbed my shoes and ran out of the woods as fast as i could. When i got home i was locked out. I had to call mags bf to unlock the door. I still regret not calling the cops but i jist wanted it to be over. Thats all ive ever wanted was for all of this shit to be over. A few days later i relapsed on coke and tried to kill myself.
Why is it at that point people come around? People acting like they care when they barely did before.
I honestly cant remember the point of writing any of this. All ik is mostly everyone is gone. My dad and i barely say words.same with my mom. I just work and come home like a robot. I sont want to feel anything. Everyday i think about eope and a bridge but i dont do it. Thinking aboit how to do it calms my nerves.makes me think if all else fails…theres my solution. But i wont. But i want to. But i wont. I cant. I cant hurt anyone. So im trapped in my mind bubble expecting it to burst at any second…but it doesnt. I am 21 yrs and i dont even know if time will change anything.