Suicidal Survivors

For those who have survived suicide.

2

Almost one week

  August 16th, 2018 by Lb88

Today I cut for the first time in almost one week. I thought I could do it. I thought I could be strong! I always think I’m gonna wind up able to be ok but I’m never really ok. I was mildly happy today and that’s a shock because i haven’t been even close to happy in god knows how long! I spent the day boating and drinking with friends but when I got home around 8:00 pm my depression got the best of me and I found myself with a blade in my hand cutting my thighs without remorse. I thought this would be …

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2

That Time of Year

  August 2nd, 2018 by TiredStoic

This month will be the four year anniversary of my father’s suicide. He shot himself in the head in his bedroom and I was the person to find his body. It took me awhile to tell anyone I didn’t know how to call my mom (she left to take my brother away for college that night) and tell her my older sister or my younger brother. It’s inexplicable to say the least. I just don’t know how to handle this time of year. And I hate the holidays so it kind of just rolls into it, my dad birthday is also in September. Any other …

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4

just a little more

  July 29th, 2018 by 3333330000055599669

i’ve been suicidal since i was 14, maybe 13, but my memory before my first attempt is blurry. i’m almost eighteen now.

i didn’t intend on making it this far, at all. i didn’t intend on living this long – ever getting a job – making it to my senior year of HS.

but, if you’re like me. it’s probably important to remember something my friend said to me.

“you shouldn’t deem yourself a failure whenever you fall down again, you’re still going, you’re still strong. Your illnesses aren’t you. You’re you; and that’s what matters.”

just a little more, okay?

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2

Nothing Left

  July 28th, 2018 by Brokentoi

If hating me makes you hate yourself a little less, I’ll do that for you…

I’ve long since outlived my welcome and my usefulness.

Precious little goodness have I contributed to this world; nothing to my own credit do I leave behind. Nobody here depends on me, all will be relieved when I’m gone.

I’ve nothing left in this cold, desolate place to hold me here.

I’ve lost it all. There’s nothing left now for me to lose, anymore.

There’s just nothing left. C ‘est la vie.

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1

Is This Who I Am?

Is This Who I Am?

  July 28th, 2018 by raperapelemonade

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2

Unprovable Pains

  July 25th, 2018 by raperapelemonade

Outside of myself. The woman everyone see’s just like everyone else, is carefully crafted. I am strong enough sometimes to smile and make jokes to my colleagues and sort out the chaos on my 3 Monitors to successfully complete a days work. I have pain beyond my threshold leeching on my spine and chest. I contain them until the weekend when I can perform my mental surgeries.

When the wounds mastisize and become larger than my ability to contain them I am frozen. I am powerless. I look at my 3 Monitors and watch the inbox rise watch the Skype pings sting watch that there is …

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2

After 5 years .. I am back again at suicide project !

  July 24th, 2018 by jano.19

The Last time I posted was FIVE years ago ..

I never though I’d ever come back .!

Yet here I am

I guess we never really change !

no matter how hard we try to change ourselves deep down we will always be the same .

I fought hard .. and I’m still fighting .. I’m not really willing to surrender not before not now not ever

yet still my inner self , my flaws , my weaknesses.. are catching up with me ..

spend the last five years in what I developed to br a stable life .. it is actually to most people it’s what they want .

I got …

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0

Fine… Im Fine

  July 23rd, 2018 by razorwrists

Sometimes I just feel down and sometimes I feel as if im being held down by something so big I cant breathe It casts a shadow over me I cant quite tell how big but its big enough to cover my mind its so dark I struggle to smile people think they know but there just as lost as me they offer advice but it passes by my head like a breeze not a small breeze its like the breathe of the shadow it inhales and I feel blank then it exhales and still nothing happens im at a stand still but I don’t know …

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14

Maybe

  July 22nd, 2018 by raperapelemonade

Even though we cant talk to each other directly here. I feel safe here. I feel in the silence, a comradery.

I love reading the stuggles the goodbyes because i can relate so much to these entries and i just have nothing but love for you.

Even if you are a judge of me, i can relate and I’m grateful. Whatever comes… I’m just grateful for this silent hive where our honey is our words about our bloody battles of life, death, trauma, pain more than anyone else in the real world could ever handle. We can speak it here in complete truth and honesty without fear.

I’m …

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5

What do you do when you can’t feel anything? Just emptiness, numbness… I can’t do anything.  I’m suicidal. Ive tried so many times. I tried to get better. I stopped taking antidepressants for 2 months now. I didn’t want to depend on it anymore.

3

Something Needs To

  July 21st, 2018 by raperapelemonade

I told my only family member it was time for me to stop. The only person in the world who knew me. He said at least try acid once.

I dosed and became one with the Universe and all that shit. I felt something fall off my shoulders afterwards. I got an understanding of why I survived the first eleven years of my life along with him surviving the first twenty.
-We weren’t meant to survive right?

I got a hippy ass perspective on why there’s scars on my genitals that I can’t explain to a doctor.

It lasted about a month until I was drugged and raped in …

0

It’s That Time of Year Again

  July 21st, 2018 by raperapelemonade

2nd year anniversaries are so surreal.

I dont know if it would honor you or offend you if I chose to enter light body that day. I already failed once in a way I shouldnt have failed because of your bad timing. Then you died.

This is a sign I should go with you, I feel sometimes. You said you couldn’t do this life without me, what the fuck do you expect me to do here without you.

Drugs sure help. Maybe they’ll have pity/mercy on me the way they did for you and take care of the dilemma I face daily

2

I tried to kill myself back in October

  July 12th, 2018 by izzuh

Took a bunch of immune suppressants for a disorder I have. My body basically stopped producing all white blood cells, bone marrow, potassium, you name it. I was in excruciating pain after about 15 hours and when my roommate found me she took me to the ER. Once I was admitted they gave me an anti-nausea and pain shots and it was the most blissful moment of my entire life. My roommate was furious, nurses were staring at me with sad eyes, and the doctors were telling me it would be a long and painful death, but I should be gone before the end of …

5

Not suicidal anymore after 4 months

  June 14th, 2018 by Agonizing

I got fucked with an antipsychotics injection in February and it made life unbearable, I researched so many ways to kill myself and made several attempts at my life. I have been bed ridden for all this time groaning for hours in pain barely able to look after myself, I woke up daily to 5 hour long headaches and had no energy, motivation or ability to feel pleasure, i.e. anhedonia. I thought I was permanently brain damaged.

I had given hope on Sunday and planned on killing my neighbour who was ultimately the cause of why I got sectioned and injected (because he woke me up …

5

Waking up miserable

  June 14th, 2018 by thatboyneedstherapy

I have been struggling with bipolar disorder since I was twelve years old

I can’t count on my fingers and toes how many times I’ve self-harmed, attempted suicide and been hospitalized.

Lately my thoughts of suicide have grown much more frequent for the first time in years.

I thought with age, these feelings would decrease or maybe even diminish but alas, here I am.

Everyday is a struggle to combat the “voices in my head”.

I wish I weren’t so logical as to combat these thoughts.

I’m exhausted. I just want to sleep forever.

2

Not Even the half of it

  June 13th, 2018 by Lorilove1

This is what dealing with my anxiety looked like all through high school. And being bullied didn’t help my situation at all , I use to hide in my closet for hours with my headphones blasting My favorite music on repeat until each attack went away. I would cry myself to sleep wondering why I am the way I am. I wanted to commit suicide plenty of times ,  by cutting my wrist and watching myself bleed out. Thinking no one will miss me so why not , one period of time that really stuck out was  My freshman year of high school …

6

My deepest desire.

  June 8th, 2018 by Snowy

I failed again. This world is full of bleak dark expressions moving about the day. No one ever said living was easy, everything hurts. The sun, this fake smile, repeating over and over ‘tomorrow will be better, it has to’. I let my deepest desire take hold of me, I handed over the reins to that part of myself. The sweet words running thru my head on repeat like a lullaby. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt. I never does! You’ll just sleep and never have to feel like this again. You need this, you want it. People will move on, the world won’t

1

Success 20 months later.

  June 7th, 2018 by Small bean

October 24, 2016 – I was hospitalized for suicide attempt when I was in my junior year of high school. Didn’t attend school too much beforehand, and lazily lived off of my allowance as I visited the man I loved on a daily basis. His affairs was one of the root problems during that time; along with my blind infatuation, making that reason seem like a joke.

Specifications about my drama aside, I was desperate to die, knife and extension cord in hand; but I was scared to scratch even a drop out of my wrist. I sat on the side of my bed, and thought …

1

I Cant Go On Anymore!

  June 3rd, 2018 by Icantgoonanymore37

I can’t go on anymore! I feel I’ve reached the end of my road! I’m sitting here all alone wondering where it all went wrong.

37 years old and I feel so Worthless & Totally fed up with life! I just don’t see the point anymore! Why do I still continue to try, when it gets me Absolutely No where!! Everyday is So Freaking hard, & I’m still struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Why you ask? Well, the last 37 years of my life have been absolute hell here on earth! I don’t have anything left inside. I pray for …

8

My worst nightmare about to come true

  June 1st, 2018 by brokenmom

9 years ago I attempted suicide by overdosing was found unconcious 2 days later and woke up in hospital,then transferred to a mental health facility for 2 days .I guess they let mr out because I didnt have insurance,it was an impulsive attempt, Im a 56 yr old female now ,lost my job and am about to become homeless on tuesday, the old thoughts have come back ,im terrified of becoming homeless and all I can think of is ending it now,im afraid to fail at this again, but i feel i have no way out of this mess.