For those who have survived suicide.
I am afraid of harm.
I have grown wise about harm.
But I just found that when I perform it, the crippling pain leaves in a way and for a time while my wound remains.
I am scared of myself now.
[image and caption removed]
My eyes roll back, my tongue hardens, balling up in my throat.
I choke on my body, every finger feels alone. As if somebody is pouring their voice into my mind, humming a drone which washes over me like I’m being boiled alive, I reeel repeatedly, awash sans sensation save an echoing of separation.
Like a hand to the face, or a soft bucket of cold water, my senses return, the highways of mind occupy themselves once more.
Defenseless, totally vulnerable to otherworldly nothing, unreasonable in any fashion.
/~\\
(Abandoned places)
https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/transition.html
https://www.bmj.com/content/341/bmj.c3222
https://www.uptodate.com/contents/suicidal-ideation-and-behavior-in-adults/print
https://drjonicewebb.com/how-to-deal-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents/
https://www.wikihow.com/Accept-That-Your-Parents-Don%27t-Understand-You
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantone_448_C
(here- […]
FUCK TIME TIME IS A B!TCH
FUCKIN RANT O’CLOCK, FUCKLES MCGEE!
GUESS WHAT?! I’m FUCKING waiting now, and I FUCKING hate it!
WAITING FOR THIS STUPID FUCKING SOLUTION which is GONNA MAKE MY LIFE BETTER
but FUCK WAITING OH GOD
I WAS STABLE for like A WEEK AND A HALF damnit! FUCK COPING! FUCK QUESTIONS from PROFANE PREACHERS of PALLID HATE!
HERE’s the UPDATE, because HELL YEAH that’s useful!
Part ONE:
I wanna make some FUCKIN DEMANDS, damnit!
I WANNA COFFIN, DAMNIT! and you BETTER NOT THROW AWAY ALL THE SHIT I PUT TOGETHER TO LAY THIS WHOLE MESS OUT FOR YA!
alright, now to the kind and well-deserving members of thesuicideproject.org, I’d like to […]
Looking to golden lights, disoriented by gossamer affection
You never loved me- lie no more. Leave me or love me, I shan’t stand for your façade any longer. I see truth, I knew from the genesis of your sin, it held no virtues.
You called my light delusion, and you called my patience an unchecked ego. When I spoke clearly at last, your shell crumbled, you held no quarter to the lies before which you had brought forth against me. You say it “I love you not, I care nothing for you however you shall live.” And so it was laid plain.
Goddamnit, I’d hate for this to just be some bum other journal for me. But- At break point, I know that need.
Tonight I make the daring leap, I do what I hate myself for, what they will never forgive truly. For they cannot love, They cannot care for anything other than their purchase ‘pon me.
They will hate and weep, plead and probe into me, but my adamantine message cannot falter. Tonight will be difficult, I fear it’s malfruition. I pray to honest God for strength, for forgiveness for the resolve of self I have lacked so long, and for grace abounding […]
What the hell lifelong friend.?! 2 days ago I replied to my friend R. and she tells me short and cryptic sentences. It sounds like a goodbye. You’d think, someone who planned on dying, actually had some great last words to offer. But… that wasn’t the case.
So I’ve tried to make her tell somebody about the bottle of pills she swallowed, her roommate at best. It took me a while and I convinced her to do so – Radio silence. There was nothing I could do, so I just waited. Got a “My roommate took me to the hospital”, that’s it. I really wonder, if […]
The playlists abounded, the only things left besides the journals upon journals, notepads chock-full
https://creator.nightcafe.studio/creation/lgZAU77M5JbFZvkkBCuY
It is human to, at this point, put forth a greeting to the community i have just joined here. Hello. I want to die. I shall start with a recent tale of achievement in my life.
-I am very happy that recently, I secured my avenue of prospective death in a manner of which I shall not discuss, but which brings me great solace to find was appropriately covert and fruitful. I feel peace knowing I can hold the hand of death this way, and have been more productive for having this comfort.
This is all I shall share for now.
Wishing […]
So, I’m trying to not want to die enough to be fun to hang out with tonight, right? And I’m watching videos of suicide survivors trying to find a reason not to kill myself. They start talking about all the things they would have missed out on- their kids, their music, their dog, whatever.
You know what I would have missed out on if I had succeeded in killing myself at 16?
My rape.
It speaks for itself, doesn’t it?
Anyways. I had to get that out of me. Let’s see if I can shut my brain up and not cry long enough to make my friends happy. Hope […]
I live in a country that sees suicide as an act of rebellion . So there are laws to scare people from commiting suicide . One of those laws is that if I am not above the age of 21 . If I commit suicide my close family parents and older siblings will be held accountable for my “mistake” by paying stupidly large sums of fines and me and my parents have to at least be held inside a “psych ward” ( basically a prison ) until I am deemed to be “normal” again . I have been actively trying to commit suicide since I […]
On a whim I decided to see if suicideproject was still around, and to see if I could log in. My posts were from 2015.
Wow, was I in a bad place. I remember the event in particular that prompted me to start cutting again, and to spiral into one of the lowest points of my life. Thank you to the commenters on those posts. Wherever you are now, I hope you found what you are looking for.
I wanted to write some kind of denouement here, because I am certainly glad I didn’t do it back then. I know reading some inspo stuff isn’t going to […]
I have been suicidal since I was about 6 or 7, currently I am 12 years old. I have been suffering with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and a lot more. I just don’t want to be alive. I have been hurting myself in many ways, as in cutting myself, starving myself, throwing up after I eat, and doing things to hurt myself accidently. I have tried to commit suicide over 26 times, all have embarrassingly failed. I was inpatient not too long ago; I now am taking anti-depressants & anti-psychotics. I’m just so tired, I hate all of my scars because now they are fading, and […]
In summer 2021, I was in a horribly dark place. I couldn’t even get out of bed and cried every day. By august 1st, I had met a guy. I met him on bumble bff. I had just spent the last 6 or so months engaging in degrading hook ups and trying to find ‘love’ and has given up. I was his perfect target.
I’ve been diagnosed with BPD and told that I possibly had autism according to a few therapists I had seen before, so basically when it comes to dating, I get obsessive with people and idealize them, on top of […]
Long story short, my life is a complete failure. It’s full of wrong decisions, (in)actions, regrets, mistakes after mistakes, that I honestly think maybe it’s already too late to “fix everything” (eg: I’m losing all the good chances/opportunities, as I’m getting old now). It’s really ironic & tragic, because a lot of people always say that I’m very talented especially in music (I used to be quite an active musician & composer/songwriter, but sadly I’m still not famous & successful), smart, a deep thinker, a highly sensitive person, etc etc.
I am also an idealist, meaning that I actually have a BIG vision & idea for […]
Once, a couple (who knew of my condition) asked me: “What made you like this? What is it that you fear so badly?”
“Is it pain?”
“Is it death?”
“Must be pain, right? Because you can’t deal with it so that triggered your ‘problem’, right?” What, suddenly depression is the new equivalent of the F word?
“Must be death, right? Because you’re afraid of dying, so you get depressed, right?”
No, it isn’t Pain. Although the fear intensifies our emotional pain.
No, it isn’t death. If anything, people who have the same thoughts as I do right now, Death is a release.
What I fear most is losing (and subsequently, spiralling […]
When I was about 12 years I took my first attempt at my life, lucky for me I didn’t cut deep enough. However this started the habit of cutting myself to have a feeling of “release” of my stress and depression. The reasoning for my depression was my mother, she neglected me most of my life and beat me, I still don’t know why she did this. I knew my dad would’ve taken her to court and let me stay with him because he loved me, but I stayed so my younger brothers wouldn’t have to deal with what she did to me. But I’m […]
Ever let the anxiety sink ,the rage boil up
Ferment the pain, and bottle it up
Reflecting on the past like it ain’t slow enough
Mom’s always sad that I ain’t growing up
Pills help me cope but I’m still fucking up
Fuck going outside, the moon aint show enough
I laugh about death like I ain’t dark enough?
Friends ran away? I guess they stalked enough?
Fam patient with my death like who’s taking what?
keep a sharp angle, latitudes of my cuts
Force you to be strong like you ain’t had enough
have the nerve to ask what’s wrong…
God ain’t fucking […]
Well back when i was 2-10 (Age) i was raped threw out the ages of 2 – 10 by my uncle and he told me the only way for people to love me is by letting them touch me in places i dident wanna be touched in and he told me that is love well i grew up and told my mother witch was the hardest thing for me to do in my life i cried so hard i couldent breath and i was about 15 and i tried to kill myself by overdosing on shrooms until my sisters boyfriend sat next to me and […]
It was a Sunday night and I was in my bed and I was just trying to sleep but the voices came I was able to ignore them at first but every minute they kept getting louder and louder “Nobody loves you, you deserve to die” The voices said over and over and over again. I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and I went Upstairs Grabbed the sharpest knife in my house and shoved it 3 inches deep into my stomach.
I fell straight to the ground and tried to call out for help but I was in to much pain to scream, I […]
It was a Monday, there always rough so I decided it was the best time. I researched the most painless ways but I didn’t have any options other than a knife. I tried multiple times before but I didn’t have the courage, but I knew this time it was it. I secretly grabbed a knife and sliced my stomach, I realized that I should have done it on my heart afterwards and fell to the floor. It was so painful and I saw my family members all crying while I was lying down. Honestly, its not worth it unless you have no family because your […]
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