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No One to Blame

by mmmm
written by mmmm

Maybe, it is me who is my own culprit, it is my fault that I did not act the way I was supposed to in order to survive in this cruel world. Maybe, everything that is bothering me is just an illusion, it is a noise coming from my mind that is making me feel worthless, reminding me constantly of all my flaws and insecurities. Maybe, I wronged myself by having expectations on others, hoping they would understand me, hoping that they will turn out the way I want , hoping they will bring happiness and well-being in my life. Maybe, I should have learned to believe in a superior power which you all know as god and which may, may not have created my existence. At times I think, how relieving it would have been for me to let my gourd down to that magical power believing that He will fix everything. Maybe, I am forgetting to be grateful for everything I have now, all that little things someone else may dream for day and night. Maybe, I am repeatedly torturing myself thinking about all the nightmares that I once saw with eyes opened. Maybe, I am still stuck in those phases of my life which are over way back that it should not even bother me now. Maybe, I could have learned the art of happiness just like any other worldly knowledge. Maybe, I do not want happiness, all my sadness is made up in my subconscious mind  to seek validity and love from others. May be, I am not happy because I do not know how to love myself and find peace within. Maybe, I do not have anyone else to blame for the constant pain and agony that is happening inside.

Whatever the reason is, however it has happened,
All I want is to get rid of this pain !!!

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I Will SurviveStories of HopeSuicidal Survivors

Current Reasons not to kill myself

by Makenzie_1644
written by Makenzie_1644
  1. I don’t want to leave my favorite coworker. She’s slowly become my best friend over the last two months, and I don’t want to leave her.
  2. My cousin. He’s an only child and I’ve taken on the role of older sibling to him so that he has some form of positive influence in his life.
  3. My brother. I want to rebuild my relationship with my older brother. We haven’t spoken in over five years, but I want to reconnect with him and I know I can’t do that if I’m gone.
  4. I want to spend as much time as I can with my family’s dog before he’s gone.
  5. As dumb as it may sound, I want more tattoos. I have so many tattoos planned and I want to get them all.
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GeneralSuicidal Survivors

Things I don’t do since I tried to commit suicide

by Makenzie_1644
written by Makenzie_1644

1. Take any sort of pill: My last suicide attempt was an attempted overdose. I spent 12 hours puking and dry-heaving. Now, even the thought of taking any sort of medicine in pill form makes my stomach turn.
2. Talk to my family about my mental health: They don’t understand why I feel the way I do. They don’t understand why I feel depressed, and they refuse to change their mindsets. I’ve tried to explain it to them, but nothing ever really changes.
3. Brush people off: I know what it feels like to have my feelings be brushed off and ignored. I refuse to do it to anyone else.
4. Express myself entirely: Doing the things that I want, and that make me happy only bring criticism, so I don’t do much of it around my family. I’m able to be myself around my coworkers and my cousin, but my other family members call me immature and weird, so I stopped.
5. Drink Pepsi Zero: It was one of the first things I tried drinking while I was OD’ing before I realized it would only make me puke more. Now, the taste of it makes my stomach turn.
6. Look at myself in the mirror or pictures: Part of me hates the way I look and hates that I’m alive, so it’s easier to just avoid looking at myself.

Nobody really talks bout the after. I mean, the immediate after. The time when you still wish you were dead sometimes, the time where you think, “Was it really only Labor Day that I tried to kill myself?”. My family is expecting me to move on like nothing happened and they don’t realize that I still think about killing myself. Sure, it’s not everyday anymore, but it’s still happening.

Yeah, I’m alive, and I’m happy that I’m still here. And if someone were to come to me and tell me that they’re struggling, I would do everything I could to help them and make them feel loved. But that doesn’t mean I’m not miserable. It doesn’t mean I feel like my old self, because that girl died in September.

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GeneralPoetry & ArtRantsSuicidal Survivors

Im getting old woohoo!

by GhastlyReality92
written by GhastlyReality92
  • Im getting old woohoo!
    • my philosophy about how much suffering we should endure is probably comparable to that of clive barkers cenobites ideas around it.
    • ive honestly seeked out death for myself
    • ive honestly seeked out a life for myself.
    • Im at my end. If i can’t die. i cant live. .
    • im 29years old so you listen hear youngens and old bastards alike: Keep kicking or dont. Expend every ounce of free will. Preserve it. or dont.
    • im not sick. I never was.
    • They can take me away but after years of frustratingly ordering my opinions about this matter.. And learning to enter/escape bigger hell holes: Lol no one can convince me im crazy anymore.
    • i volunteered as bat shit.
    • How bad is my case? I cant say fully.
  • this hell has my name allll over it. Everything makes too much sence.
  • I know you lurkers are there.
  • i dont need anyone’s understanding or empathy. Like it or lump it I dont need your validation. Ide prefer it now if you all form an opinion about me.I wont try to change it. Bite me..
  • I made my own hell. im the one cycling in it.
  • it’s been hard on me.
  • Iv made a Ruckus.
  • maybe i shouldnt be posting here.
  • i dont care if my demons become contagious and spread depression as a mass hysteria.
  • i dont care if the evil i bring into tomorow causes 1 million suicides.
  • i dont care if the good i bring saves a million.
  • Im preserved human excrement.
  • this regressing story sucks ass.
  • im bored of reading the same shit over and over.
  • cant i even be original.

im here because i just wanted to say to you all.. That no matter the discomfort of this regressing dream and nightmare.. Il never need you. And youl never need me.  My love is all yours

just like the hate is.

when your busy becoming every monster in  human fiction, dying would seem like a way out. Well the things of my dreams have come into the flesh and when I die, i know im in trouble no less. It haunts me here it haunts me there. death will not save me . And life doesnt care.: i fucking dyes for this. Iv spent years without sleep because i became some nightmare on elmsteet like fucking cliche.

i hated hearing that death was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. In my experience. Death is a temporary solution to an eternal problem. And it doesnt work. Im not prolife. Im not prodeath. Bite your tails you fucks.

Ps today im “gods” gift to the world. You are all welcome. . Im now 7 years off the drs meds. I drink water and eat food. Im done playing games. Fuck this place. If you think i sound nuts, good ;fuck you too. Im punishing myself for being so self deceitful. . Remember a time when you had to grow balls to potentially fuck your life up like smoking pot/doing drugs/skipping classes or work.. I have no skeletons. My past lives in the now. I think ill just adopt an manipulate the storys that surround me. Maybe you are becoming our new jesus help me. Maybe theirs nothing more stimulating and pain inducing than contesting existence. Maybe. maybe,Im a little blessing for you. Take it or leave it. I was wrong to think that money or social status ruled over anything. Im a predator. Ill just fucking eat you to feed the dopamine center.
You dont need me. And i dont need you.Though.. I love to share this life and death with you. Watching you squirm is delightful. Reminds me of my younger days hanging from a bunkbed and sniffing pencil leds to end mylife when i was just 6 or 7. Please dont go anywhere on me. Im going to live to be 600yrs old. Im a disease. Im cancer im depression. Im hate. I refuse to die. I refuse to live . Im just here perpetuating this motion because its all i know. Knowing my luck.. The only escape from death or life might be my own personally build electric chair. I have family that was turned into a vegetable using electroshock therapy. The doctors a few years ago offered it to me. I refused. Their not legally supposed to anymore here unless you’ve been on it a life time already.. Well surprise! Now youl have to fucking catch me.   good luck with that.  Im in hell. Theres no one here but me. And im so generic… Im nobody im not the dreamer im the fool.  this program thats set up  sucks. Life is a santa not meant for you that you still have to keep secret for all the other little angles. Fuck you all i hope i burn in a fire. watch me fry. Dont bother to piss on me. I cant feel anything anyway.

 

on a side note. Take care of yourselves. Place the goal beyond the material. Put love at the bottom line. Dont expectit to return.  Give it away.  Its corruption placing any event beyond causations influence. and thats why ill love you until time throws its self off a cliff and dies.

life can stop being shit and asking for so many favors.  Lol im not obligated to keep lifes secrets nor obligated to care if your upset /got some of it wrong.  ill take ten milliondollars or a bullet in the head for me to shut up. Lol yeild to my demands you bastards. Suicide can suck my dick. Life can too. causation blows. Its all got to go. destroy the world. Destroy the fabric of space. destroy value over matter. Destroy all humans: With love.

I hate religion.

JUST LIKE I HATE ADSPACE.

its a necessary evil required in order to provide a service (lol)

I’m going to spoil life.

One of us.

gooble gobble.

im happier than youl know.

The prime enemy is my friend

so is the hero.

fuck me.

Im all out of enemies.

its the end of my personalized theraputic blabbering you washed up cunts.

hello MODERATORS.

dont del – EAT ME!!!!!!

do byte me.

 

JUST HAVE A NICE DAY. WITH ALL THE LOVE .

 

AND THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR SHARING YOUR STORYS OVER THE YEARS. THEY LITTERALLY MADE NO DIFFERENCE TO ME EVEN THOUGH THEY APPEARED TO BE THE ANSWER. I LIVED IT UP LIKE I WAS THE ONLY. WHAT A RUSH. I REALLY WAS AFFRAID ID DIE THERE FOR A BIT. DIEINGS GETTING EASIER. .  I GOT MYOLDEST SELF BACK. IM HERE TO STAY.  BE ME OR DONT BE ME.

-S.THOMAS. </3

 

 

 

 

 

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Family & Friends EffectsSuicidal Survivors

need some help with family issues.

by elkadaia_
written by elkadaia_

I’m going to do a psych eval soon, per my mother’s wishes. I’m— excited? Kind of? I’m happy that after three years I can finally rest easy and get these diagnoses. But I’m also, somewhat, scared? It’s understandable, the last psych eval I did ended in chaos — with me only getting a diagnose of unspec-anxiety and getting off with no therapy. My mother is slightly worried, but believes I’m “a-okay” and am just having a reaction to allergies (which makes. zero. sense in my book). I want to tell her that I’ve attempted eight times but I’m scared that if I do, she’ll disown me in a way. She believes that I’m fine. And I guess I want to tell her that I’m not, but I am? I want her to care, but don’t want her to worry too much? She’s going through health issues currently and I don’t want to make her panic even more — but I feel that if I do let her know, we’ll bond, or perhaps the eval would go on faster? Any thoughts, ideas, and comments on how to address the situation?

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Chronic PainGeneralI Will SurviveStories of HopeSuicidal Survivors

fucked head

by cyberchallenge2
written by cyberchallenge2

when i used to self harm i used to hit my head a lot, i didnt think of it that much back then but now i see the result. probably any type of self harm is better than hitting ur head, i suffer from memory loss, but no one would probably believe me, i dont even remember basic stuff such as what happened the day before, what somebody told me or things that i did, i may sound dramatic but its worse than it sounds. i dont remember how i started it but i did it everytime my mom was bitching about smth that ive done or havent done and continued by doing it when im angry. since ive realized how bad the result is i try not to, i developed anger issues over time and keep hitting myself and biting myself out of anger, its hard to stop. my head hurts so bad everyday and i feel dizzy sometimes no matter what i do, take medicine or even drink a lot of water, i dont know if thats because i hurt my head or something else but it scares me. i wish i wasnt like that, i wish i never did this, i might seem so retarded because of what ive done to myself but i cant help it now, i dont know what can. there are many other bad things including in my bad mental health, i became so mentally unstable that it scares me, so many bad and disturbing thoughts in my mind everyday, im even scared of myself, im scared ill snap one day and do something bad. i hear someone calling my name everyday even when im home alone, i really wanna believe that its not something bad and that im not a schizo. i often find myself having random conversations in my mind, it could be me talking about random things or someone is speaking to me, i dont understand whats happening and after a long time that its happening i try to figure out whats really happening. im kind of trying to express myself in art sometimes but im not too creative to do that, i just draw some shitty gore that is a bit close to what i feel. also im afraid to get help because i dont trust anyone that is not my close and real friend, i cant be open with anyone, even if i did get open and be honest id get to a mental hospital, thats my worst fear but my first worst fear is that my parents finding out about that, i dont want them to know how fucked i am. im slowly losing myself, i feel so lost..

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My Suicide NoteSuicidal Survivors

by cowabooga
written by cowabooga

i dont know how long i can take it i hope next week ill finally be motivated to go and not be spooked out this time
life is a cliff and ive spent most of it just hanging on and i think ill finally be able to get up then my fingers slip more and people care and want to help but i dont know how to help myself idk i cant keep living like this and i ruin everything i touch and make everyone disappointed or mad im not mentslly ill my life is fine nothings happened?? cant keep coping bc ppl are mad but no clue where to even start in getting better properly. ive never been considered bad enough or good enoughh everythings just limbo and i just hope i wont be here next week or that things look up im just really tired and i feel so bad people ar etrying to help and idk man i cant keep making everynoen feel like shit 4ever and fuck man all i live for rn is scabbing off people for drugs and i dont wanna die i dont but im running out of options oim sorry i just dont now where else to post without an insta call home and creepy smile fuck

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Coping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralStories of HopeSuicidal Survivors

Are you still here?

by EvilOni22
written by EvilOni22

Still the honor roll!!!! This was a post from obviously a while ago. These people meant a lot to me back in that time. I was actually getting back on to see if these people are still active on this site currently by any chance?

SP Honour Roll
written by @
12/23/2014
Bisban (Morlock)

Clevername

CyanidesOfMarch

C4 (and his various aliases)

Dawg

DeathDreamer

Distant.Road

Distress

Duke of Marmalade

Koji

Nias

OnlyLoveisReal

PainNLife

Persa (and her various aliases)

Procel

Quaero

RealTalk30

Rocketman (and the Hot Tub Gang)

RogueShadow (I forget the numerals)

Searchingformeaning

Shepherd (RogueLonesome)

Snuf (and his various aliases)

Stendarr (and her various prefixes and affixes)

StruggleOn

Thanatos (and his various aliases)

Tristeza

TheWhispersOfMySins

Xanadu (and his various aliases)

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Coping SkillsGeneralI Will SurviveStories of HopeSuicidal Survivors

Hello strangers

by ambientmilk
written by ambientmilk

I was convinced i dreamt this website
Some sick depressed fever dream
An ill lonely teen looking to relate to people
I sunk so low
I still do
My scars scabbed through shame
But you heal
Still fragile, broken, cracked, but still healing
Which sounds like some cringe-y crap
Fuck, Ill be so-called ‘healing’ till the day i die
But
I have to make peace with that

 

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GeneralRantsSuicidal Survivors

by struggling.to.go.on
written by struggling.to.go.on

It hurts… it hurts to go on and keep breathing. I hate myself for burning every bridge and destroying my closest friendships. I guess in my fucked up brain I thought it would be better to make everyone not care about me now and hate me, then to hurt them later when they find out about my funeral. Not only did I not want them to stop me, I also didn’t want to hurt them. I didn’t want them to find out about my lifeless body and have to tell my family because no one else knew anything about my family. I burned everything to the ground then attempted.

After falling to the ground and waking up, I felt the need to be honest. I didn’t want one person to believe everything I said to them. I wanted them to know everything was a lie to push them away. It had been too many hours for them to be able to stop me or change anything so I figured it was safe to open up. I told someone why I did what I did. Slowly becoming more honest as my hands shaked and vision blurred. I asked them to tell that person that they didn’t do anything wrong and I just wanted them to hate me.

I got part of what I wanted. They’re probably still filled with anger and want nothing to do with me but sadly I’m still alive. I regret everything, not only pushing them away, not only the pain that goes through my body today, but also hurting the ones that picked up the pieces. They didn’t ask for this. They deserve so much better.

They tried their best to make me smile, bringing pancakes to my bed, putting on cartoons, and showing me their favorite places in hopes that it would bring me joy. The days after they constantly checked up on me. I know I hurt them. I could tell they were hurt that I felt like I didn’t deserve to live. I still don’t want to live to my 19th birthday. They spent the last week trying to make me smile but I still can’t find a will to live.

I’m in college but I’m still codependent. I can’t and haven’t lived for myself in years. I hang on for others. I don’t want to hurt them. But I know if they find my lifeless body, they’ll be hurting. I still blame myself for not being able to save my best friend 4 years ago. She dealt with pain that was unbearable and I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most. It’s not her fault I’m still hurting, it’s not her fault that she dealt with so much pain.

I still feel bad for hurting others. I’m a horrible person that just causes destruction. I hurt everyone around me. I am incapable of being a functional person. I disappoint everyone. I feel like the only reason people stay in my life is because they know I’m suicidal.

They call because they don’t want me to end it all. I wish I wasn’t such a burden. I wish I didn’t destroy my relationships with my closest friends. I wish I could find a reason to live to 19. But I can’t keep going, it hurts to much. I just don’t want to live through another failed attempt.

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Coping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveStories of HopeSuicidal Survivors

I Survived

by IronWolf
written by IronWolf

Hi everyone.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here, over 2 years actually. For those of you who remember me, I used to post here a lot around the summer of 2018. I won’t summarize the content of what I posted here, but the gist of it all was that I was in a monumentally bad situation and very very close to ending my own life.I f you’ve read my post history, you may have noticed that my posts stopped suddenly after something that sounded like I was finally going to go through with it. Well I can confirm that that’s exactly what it was, and that’s exactly what I did. Fortunately, I failed and my relationship crumbled to pieces soon afterwards, around the beginning of 2019. That was the worst year of my entire life emotionally, mentally, and physically. I can honestly say I have never felt more absolutely shattered in every way than I did then.

Yet still, I made it through. I kept pushing. Now I have a happy, stable relationship with an amazing woman and my career is finally getting somewhere. I just wanted to come back here to tell all of you that the endless dispair you’re probably feeling right now can and does end, and things do get better. It takes time, effort, and usually involves physically going to a different place away from your abuser, towards opportunity, or even just out of your comfort zone that’s keeping you from evolving past your demons. Cut bad people and influences out of your life if you have to. Do whatever it takes to change your situation for the better. If you do, you will come out on the other side a better, happier person. I promise you.

I wouldn’t be here today if that weren’t true. Keep fighting, everyone.

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Coping SkillsSuicidal Survivors

by heartlessviking
written by heartlessviking

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

I’ve been reading some of the other posts, and I think the arbitrary nature of our predicament is a common theme. I think that the rest of mankind is happily unaware of the brutal realities of our universe. If not, they certainly don’t let on that they are aware of such things. What sort of things?

Humans are fantastically creative. We are creatures of narrative. So when we explain ourselves, it is usually through storytelling. For the majority of written history the dominant narrative focused on spiritual beings who impute a deeper meaning to the actions of humans. There is no central common theme. Christians believe in redemption, a process by which contact with the divine purifies what it touches. Taoism is my personal favorite, considering the greatest purpose to understand truth. That’s the closest to admitting there isn’t a point that any religion has. Scientology also has purification, but with a science fiction backstory. Then there are religions like hinduism which consider reincarnation the path forward, with nirvana (the spiritual state, not the Kurt Kobain band) as the end reward. Buddhists seek enlightenment.

I’m an agnostic. There’s probably something greater going on, and even if there isn’t, it is often beneficial to pretend. I think the most likely end is when a person draws their last breath. Once you cease to get oxygen to the brain, the part of you that thinks dies, and your body turns into semi toxic fertilizer. If you have a death denial obsession, you can be embalmed and buried in a concrete sarcophagus like an Egyptian Pharaoh.  Did you know that the ancient Egyptians also mummified and buried massive amounts of middle class people. They also used beer as a currency, so maybe they knew a bit more about finance than us Americans.

I think the obsession with immortality is the narrative that has us all hooked. I write, because it is my hope someday to craft a work worthy of study centuries on. I’d like to create the modern Beowulf, but it’s pretty clear that’s a high mark. It would be success just to be read by future generations.

————

Games are an interesting subset of narrative, which is what I intended to talk about from the beginning, before I started talking about epic poetry and bronze age idolatry.  There are games that we all KNOW are silly. Card games, board games, tabletop games, roleplaying games, sex games, ‘sports’, and so on.

Then there are those that most people figure out are silly. Like economics, and romantic relationships.

I’d charge that all narratives are silly, because they all suppose that the actions of some puny humans on a rock orbiting a star are important. Deep time is the method I tend to use to deconstruct how pointless and finite humanity is;

Consider; written history is 8000 years old.

The average human lifespan for all of history is 58. So even compared to our own history, we are tiny and short lived little bugs.

Now, expanding back out; humanity as a species is 100 million years old. That always is the part that gets to me. We’re nothing compared to the mass of humanity behind us.

Our planet is a few billion years old, at which point our lifespans are less than dust, less than atoms by comparison.

The universe, at least we suppose, is 14 billion years old.

Now zoom back in. Today I worked towards the finish of Subnautica, one of the games that makes me happiest these days. I also spent an unreasonable amount of time and money tracking down a game from my childhood, Super  Mario 64. I admit, fully, that there is no productive end to these trivialities. I also must confront that the work I’ve done outside is only marginally less pointless.

Which is why I say; play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

We shouldn’t be shocked that our lives have no meaning, they never had much of a chance to.

Success and failure all look the same at a distance. So search for the games that satisfy, and don’t worry about it having purpose. That is my idea of a solution, a Myth of Sisyphus by Camus of a solution if there ever was one;

The Myth of Sisyphus is a greek myth about a wealthy man who tried to cheat death. Death in this story is Hades or Pluto, depending on who you ask. He managed to escape death a couple times, but eventually it came due. His punishment, throughout eternity was to push a rock up a hill. As soon as the rock reached the top of the hill, it would roll back to the bottom, resetting the cycle. It is a philosophical metaphor for absurdity. Yet, in his collection of essays on that effect Albert Camus supposed that Sisyphus must develop his own narrative, and his own reasons for why he does what he does. It becomes an act of rebellion, by continuing to toil he demonstrates his contempt for those who sentenced him to suffer unto eternity.

Which is another great perspective moment; we should be so lucky as to blink out when we die. It would be better to be gone forever than what the Greeks thought would happen.

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Family & Friends EffectsGeneralRantsStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

i might do it soon. i dont know where to go from here.

by damidami
written by damidami

just 1 am thoughts again. its always in a cycle, i get extremely suicidal, im in this weird state where im just numb and i feel okay i guess and then i spiral. im back in my suicidal part of the cycle, except one important thing: my brother killed himself. thats what the police say anyways, im not sure, i dont know. he came to me alot to vent, i shut him out, our relationship wasnt always the best, so right now the only thought that has been repeating is that i killed my brother. i drove him to suicide. i dont know where to go from here. im not sure. i’ll probably chicken out again, not my first attempt and probably wont be my last.

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Chronic PainGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NoteStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Afterlife

by SamLight
written by SamLight

What happens after we die ? I wonder. Am I gonna find myself in a beautiful village with habitants full of love attention who would care for me when I’m sick, be happy for me when I succeed, accompany me in the worst times. We would laugh together about silly jokes, eat every meal together, play outside and take care of Farm animals. The view from our house would be breathtaking and everyone would get along. But most importantly, I would have forgotten everything,, every little bit of abuse, self hatred and abomination from this current life. I really hope this heaven awaits me for I am coming soon.

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RantsSuicidal Survivors

I’m tired

by CARLOSPEJUAN
written by CARLOSPEJUAN

My friend owes me a lot of money. I’m thinking of suing him. Mainly because of this. He stopped paying me and bought an AR15 instead. He said he was selling some property and then paying me then played dumb until today when I asked him about it and he says the people buying backed out. I think he’s taking advantage of me. I think he is only acting this way because he doesn’t respect me and thinks he can do whatever with me. There’s a couple problems here. For ones I no longer believe anything he says. Two his priorities are not me. He is just a POS. I think it’s time he owes someone else the money. Someone who he will respect and pay back. Someone who he will be like all I got is ten dollars but here you go. You know? I am THAT reasonable. I know he going through a hard time, but it feels like he doesn’t care anymore. Like he just want to leave it at is but it’s too much money for me to let it go.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Back In 2013

by madetofade2
written by madetofade2

I used to come to this site a lot as a 13 year old. My username was MadeToFade.
Im Jamie. I’ll be 24 in late July of 2021. Before suicideproject was a .org, I came to type out my feelings. I expressed my frustrations and sadness, but I also conversated with a male 22 years older than myself on that website, underneath the old username Ive given above.
Due to observation by members of the site, it was pointed out that “Nolen” was in fact an adult, and “MadeToFade” was in fact a minor.
I am thankful that someone noticed and felt alarmed enough to say something.
Unfortunately, the observations and comments werent enough for a criminal charge, or much of an interrogation at all.
I am coming to this website now because I have no one to talk to about this particular time in my life. Well, I have a few people (including a licensed therapist) that I could go into detail with, but it is very, very uncomfortable. My hope is that this place will be the one where I can share my experiences openly and readily, as I assume that you, the reader, is not familiar with me personally and probably has no idea what I look like, who my family is, or how exactly this all played out and the shockwaves it has sent throughout my family and into my future.
I am deeply troubled by our world’s treatment of victims, especially in recent years. I am also deeply troubled by false accusations. My experiences are anything but false. I live every day hoping that I die.
Right now it is 1:30am. I have to sleep for work in the morning. Ill be back.

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Chronic PainMy Suicide NoteSuicidal Survivors

Do it

by LivinGhost
written by LivinGhost

I can’t believe how old I am now. 37. My suicidal thoughts started when I was 8. My life was hard and abusive. It’s not like that now but I had already died inside a long ago and I just keep inhabiting this shell.
I was smart enough not to bring a child. I’d probably would have been an absent mother with occasional outbursts of disproportionate rage and pass this poison on to my future generation.
I wouldn’t advise everyone who has a bad day or a few rough weeks even, to do it but
If your life is objectively horrible
If the meds don’t work
Treatment doesn’t help
If you start realizing that every round of self haterad you get weaker and exhausted and you’re just in so much pain it’s unbearable
If you know that you have been absolutely consistent with this for years
and you’re still relatively young – trust me – your pain will never cease. Your courage might. False hope might arise and dilute you from the right deed
but
from the perspective of this wornedout woman – I just wish that I had went through with it all the way the first time, back when I was 16. Even when I was 22 or 24 or 27…
Don’t drag it longer than necessary.
You will never fully recover and the deeper you are in the sh!t pile the smaller are the chances for you to ever be normal or fully functional or without that endless constant hole in the middle of your chest.
Just do it. My existence is long overdue and I regret my cowardice every day.

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