if i’m not the love of your life
then i’ll be your greatest loss
Processing your request, Please wait.... Processing your request, Please wait.... Processing your request, Please wait.... Processing your request, Please wait....Before you make that first cut, remember:
You will find the blood and pain realise addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren’t deep and will heal easily, they will get deeper. They will scar. They will take sometimes months to heal. And years for the scars to fade. If you think you can limit the cutting to one part of your body, think again. It will spread when you run out of skin. You’ll find yourself cutting in places you would never think of. Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in constant state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever, you will find yourself lying to the people you love. You’ll tell people your cat scratched you or you accidentally cut yourself on a wire. You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt. Or just because it plain hurts to be touched. You will have to explain yourself when you yell “ow” when you bump your wrists. Be prepared for it to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don’t know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100, because it will. Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around cutting. Cutting and covering up cutting. It will be the only thing you think about until you do it. You will dream about cutting and have nightmares about being exposed. It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. And just wait for the first time you cut ‘too deep’.And you freak out because the blood won’t stop. Your wrist will be dripping with blood as it trickles down you arms. You’ll be gasping… And you feel yourself shaking all over. You’ll be having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can’t tell anyone. You won’t be able to. So you sit there alone… Praying it will be okay. Promising yourself that you’ll never let it go this far again. But you will, further and further… But don’t worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid going to the emergency room. And the better you get at treating your cuts, they deeper they get. You’ll have a stash of things you need for cutting: blades, glass, knives, tissues, body wipes, bandaids, medical tape, and scar reducers. Because of this, you’ll get pretty good at hiding things all over your room. Get ready to buy a new wardrobe too. You’ll be buying long sleeve shirts, bracelets, wristbands, long boots… The list goes on and on. Say goodbye to things you took for granted. Like wearing shorts or sandals, pedicures, and sleeveless tops. You will start looking at everyone in a different way too. Scanning everyone’s bodies for any signs of self harm. Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don’t feel so terribly alone. Hoping, just hoping that they will be like you. But they are not. You won’t even think about it as your eyes scan people’s wrists and arms, even when you are watching TV. You will see everyone’s clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone. You will start doing a lot of things alone. You will always have to wash your laundry in private, so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You won’t go to the beach or pool, no matter how much you might have loved to before. Winter is fine but look out for summer. As the weather starts to get warmer you will scan your body covered in scars, panicking about what you will do to cover them up. Be prepared to do a lot of cleaning, scrubbing your bathroom floor and wiping the blood off your keyboard. Eventually, you won’t be able to make it through the day without cutting. You will start to carry blades everywhere, a=in your room, in your school bad, in your purse and even in the back of your phone case for emergencies. Next thing you are in a public bathroom, quietly slitting your wrists. Then you will prepare yourself to walk out like you’re completely fine, even if you’re still bleeding a little. And when you get really desperate, anything will become a cutting tool… Scissors, a needle, keys, even a pen. Doesn’t matter what it is because if you need to cut bad enough, you will find something. Another thing to get ready for, is the itching. Because you will itch and itch so much that you will look like you have fleas. In the end, you will wish that you never made that first cut. Because while you absolutely hate cutting… At the same time you love it and can no longer live without it. So remember all of this before you start cutting because it can and will ruin your life.
In the end, you will have become an expert on your body as you carefully destroy it…
Processing your request, Please wait....Hi,
What is concerning me and why I am reaching out is that I frequently have violent thoughts and desires.
To be specific, if someone does something that annoys me or (to be frank) threatens my ego: I want to shoot, stab, bludgeon, punch, kick, burn, and torture said person to death. This is what I sincerely want to do in these circumstances, no matter how outlandish it may sound.
If you were to observe me, you might not guess that this is what runs through my mind as I generally try to keep my appearance well-groomed and sport a controlled demeanor most of the time. I’m also not physically imposing as I am relatively short and built frail.
Assumptions like that, I believe, are what contribute to the danger of this issue.
I have lost it a few times and while I never seriously physically harmed anyone, I have seriously emotionally harmed some close relatives with what I’ve said. I think it had such a profound effect because they didn’t expect any of it from me until it happened.
To keep things short: this kind of mentality is extremely dangerous for others, never-mind myself. I fear that if I leave this unchecked then premeditation might become action and I would end up regretting it.
Would anyone happen to have some coping methods or skills they would like to share for this disposition? I would greatly appreciate advice.
I would also like to just clarify that this is not a threat or suggestion of any kind. It’s just something that has been bugging me for years now and I find it important to hear from others about this.
Thanks.
Processing your request, Please wait....my father and my mother was arguing.
i stopped getting in the way due to my mom always being on his side.
today, she snapped.
i felt bad. she was screaming and it made sense. before that, he was towering over her on the couch, telling her how she was wrong about how he “didn’t” cheat on her(if you read my last post he did, he has a mistress to this day and talks to her while all three of us are at work{my brother, mom and i}), how shes a liar, and an idiot. an imbecile etc.
and she snapped, she said “FUCK YOU ALL” and “YOU NEVER LOVED ME” “YOU NEVER CARED” and i was happy? for my mom. she did it, she stood up to him. but; ive never seen her have a mental breakdown, and cry. i went into the kitchen and she told me to, “GET THE FUCK OUT“, and i did. i listened through my bedroom. and the next thing i know it; shes crying and telling him to stop and its not fine, while hes “hugging” her, and saying “stop it.”
Stop it????
STOP IT.
YOU TELL HER TO STOP CRYING NOT THAT “IM SORRY” OR “IM LITERAL HUMAN FILTH” .
i hate my father.
he then grabbed my hand and i told him to not touch me. HE THEN PROCEEDED TO SHIFT THE BLAME ON MY DOG. That i dont take him out(i work 12-6, so its hard for me on the weekdays), that i dont train him , etc. when i do. That its Lightning’s fault, when in reality its his fault for leaving us, for pretending to love my mom, for hurting her, FOR HER MENTAL BREAKDOWN/PANIC ATTACK.
later this night, they got over it, so easy. i knew it would happen, that they would just get over it, cus my father manipulates her so easily. im angry at both of them, but i hope i can have alone time with my mom to tell her and ask her if she can divorce my father, and stop getting hurt because of him.
i have already attempted before because of him, and i am too afraid my mom can go down the same route i went through.
Processing your request, Please wait....I’m about to try smoke some weed. Is it good? what can it do?
Processing your request, Please wait....I can’t bring myself to consciously cut open my own skin, but I found out that I CAN play knife roulette–and the cuts I receive with each slip-up feel much better. Additionally, if anyone asks about the scars, I can just tell them about my “parlor trick”.
Processing your request, Please wait....As all of you may know, I’ve been harassed lately and now I’ve found a way to cope with my depression. My friends told me that I can’t just hide from society even if that’s the only way to feel better, they also told me that I have to face my fears. A method they think could help was try and meet new friends, which is understandable. And the other one was listen to music that made me feel comforted and special, they suggested a bunch of artist but the one that stand out for me was BTS. so I started listening to their music and it really felt like I was being comforted and especially the lyrics of the songs are just so good. Why I like them was because they help keep my suicide thoughts out of my mind, so I’ve been quiet happy lately. So this August 25th I’m going to there concert with my friends. Cause I have more reasons to live now and that made me and my friends happy.
Processing your request, Please wait....All I am doing is praying that I don’t fuck up my next relationship. I’m only two weeks shy of 21 but my past relationships have made me exhausted. I’m starting to not believe in love anymore. I want to get married and have children with the right person but I don’t know how to stop investing in the wrong people
Processing your request, Please wait....I like this piece it soothes my mind and i would forget my surroundings 
Processing your request, Please wait....When I was born, I had less weight on me then I was supposed to, and don’t get me wrong I understand other people went through this too. I also understand that people go through being teased and being taunted about their weight throughout their lives. But I want to help you understand what it’s like to be black and underweight. I am currently 13 years old, and I weigh 73 pounds. The average for a thirteen year old (f) is 82-137 pounds. Now I feel like you can believe what you want to believe when it comes to normalcy to 13 teen year old (f) weight, but when we go by how light/heavy “we” are supposed to be I am obviously underweight. Below there will be a list of all the things weight has done to me in middle school, if you wouldn’t like to see that then SKIP to the next BOLD title. (warning: they’re all stories/paragraphs)
Processing your request, Please wait....Edit: I’m not sure if this was officially posted, it’s. Very confusing on how to submit.
Hello.I’m new here & I feel like I have no one to open up to which is why I’m here. Long read so if you can’t read my whole essay, just skip to the LAST PARAGRAPH below.
I’m 32 yrs old & have suffered from depression since I was a teenager. I find that living with depression is bearable when I have great things going on in my life.
As of these past couple of years, I have experienced a moderate amount of hardships. My mom became very sick, as a result, she’s currently in a nursing home. I have a strenuous full time in the medical field, get off work & visit my mom daily. When I go, I’m the one that’s physically taking care of her being as though that’s what I did when she was living at home & it just comes natural, especially when the aids leave her sitting there because they know I’m showing up to do her anyway.
I’m emotionally & physically drained. She relies on me everyday to visit, toilet & bring her food & I feel sooooooo overwhelmed.
6 months ago I met someone great, I thought the progressive relationship was going somewhere, until he dissapeared out of nowhere. He was the one I used to open up to & distract myself with fun things when I was at my wits end because he’s also a sometimes caregiver. I felt like he was the only positive thing in my life that I looked forward to, now I no longer have that.
Most men want sex from me & not a relationship. So, once they find out that I’m actually not having sex without a commitment of at least a gf title, they dissapear.
I also have a very toxic relative who’s always sharing his burdens with me, expecting me to fix his financial mistakes.
I have had a string of bad luck that’s making me be more of a pessimist. I’m not going to be optimistic because when you are, you set yourself up for harder dissapointment.
After being single for all my life, dating several men, & finally meeting someone I connected with, only to get ghosted/dumped was the final straw for me, & at this point it hurts to even breathe. Everyday is like groundhogs day.
I’ve always had suicidal tendencies, but they have been exasperated with the recent hardships.
(LAST PARAGRAPH)
I’ve thought about the portable generator in the backseat of a vehicle, what do you guys think about that?
That’s the method that young boy, Conrad Roy used,and he obviously succeeded.
I keep re-reading the articles detailing his death to pick up on things I can incorporate & succeed in my suicide, & the only thing that’s stopping me is spending 500 bucks on one only to not knowing how to operate the generator.
Processing your request, Please wait....So, if you didn’t already know, you are now the third person that knows about this, I don’t like to tell people unless they are really close or I end up upsetting them therefore id tell them. Well last summer in 2018 I had the worst months of my life, there were 2 weeks where I decided not to eat at all and got taken to the hospital. I was in a state of mind where dying was the most important accomplishment for me. I’d lost the one person who made me stronger and who made me, me. I spent months on end crying and having these thoughts In my head. There were my ups and downs I admit, there were days where I cried from laughter but then there were days and nights where I cried from hate of myself and wanted to end everything. As soon as I started school I began to go to a counsellor after school which mum paid for and I would spill everything to her. Eventually she realised why I had these states of being happy and sad and it was me alternating from ‘manic and depressive episodes”. And to be fair I am still like it now if you haven’t noticed already. I used to post loads of paras on this website for suicide awareness about how I felt. It helped lot to let out my feelings but you know.
And after many weeks like this I told my bestest friends and literally couldn’t have asked for any better support or advice. I had a family of friends at skaters, ginger retard, binweeval, the seagull and the penguin. But then one by one they began to leave; the penguin was the only one who stayed and who supported me through everything and was literally my brother for 6 months. Then dorito came along and my life changed, I got controlled and loads more. Then I literally got used for my body by everyone; “gay boi” didn’t give two fucks about me, dorito wanted me to fuck him, even the penguin touched me up. The one person I had who I trusted my life with. After that I broke inside and lost everything. He was my human diary, my soul mate and when he did that it just broke me. The only messages I get were “fuck me” or “fit af” and I just wanted someone to love me for me not for my body. Or people taking advantage of me being able to help them with their problems or stop them from taking their lives. But on a day to day basis this happened. I couldn’t keep sending 4-page paragraphs, calls that lasts 12 hours, just to stop them and make them feel better. Because when I fell, no one was there for me. Not one single person.
Also, if you didn’t already know, I won’t eat for as long as I can when I’m sad, I will have constant thoughts that I’m ugly, I’m fat, I mean what can I say… I’ve been told it all before anyway so it’s true. I get told “why’d u look so depressed, oh wait you always are” I won’t go on social media for hours, I lock myself in my bathroom and literally cry four hours until my head fucking hurts, I’ve overdosed to make myself feel okay, I’ve become drunk just to get rid of all sad thoughts, I’ve cut to make myself feel better about the things I’ve fucked up in my life.
Processing your request, Please wait....next year I’m supposed to go to college
but when somebody asks me what do I want to study I don’t know what to say to them.
I never thought that I would make it pass this age.
Don’t be confused, this isn’t a survivor story, I’m not happy to be here.
I feel so lost and they expect me to think of something to study next year but I don’t want to do anything with my life
I’ve never planned to turn 18 so my future is really foggy, to be honest
Processing your request, Please wait....I am a 24 year old guy. This is for the first time I am writing something out of my heart so I will try my best to open up. Life has always been tough for me to be more specific it’s been one wrong decision after another. I was raped multiple times by by older cousins and others when I was a kid. I did not know what was happening, I was to young to understand or share my situation with anyone. As I grew older and realised I wanted to kill those people but I was too emotional and weak to do something like that. I fought through that feeling but it left me hurt for life. Teenage was brutal I was a introvert and was bullied all the time had a tough time making friends. I couldn’t talk to my parents abt what was happening because I always felt they won’t understand. Timed pass as I grew up, I found my refuge in art. I started acting and even started to do stand up as it helped me escape my pain and allowed to be someone else. But fate had something else in mind my parents didn’t allow me to persue acting and forced me to take up engineering. College was horrible I used to fail all the time and never felt interested. But I didn’t give up and tried hard to pass without failing a year. I managed to graduate with a low cgpa. It’s been 2 years and I have not been able to secure a job. Time is passing by and I am unable to support my family. The whole family and relatives expect me to do something great which just crushes me even more when I fail to do something. I have nothing to show for. My family won’t even let me be with the girl I love and I have to stay away from her and it kills me every day. I have been thinking about killing myself for the past few days. I have tried it in the past when I was a teen but failed twice. I am not strong enough to even kill myself. I don’t know what to do. Every day I am just being sucked deeper and deeper in this hole. I don’t think I have it in me anymore to face another rejection or another failure. I see no point in living and feel like a burden on everyone around. I don’t know how to escape this suffering.
Processing your request, Please wait....Depression creeps upon you quietly.
At the very beginning you struggle with the little things, but usually, choose to ignore them.
It’s like a headache.
You’ll tell yourself it’s temporary and it’ll pass.
It’s just another bad day.
But it’s not.
You are stuck in this state of mind.
You get used to putting on a social mask and you continue to live among other people because that’s what you have to do.
That’s what others do.
However, the problem does not go away.
You struggle to put on a play every day and it starts to cost you more and more.
That is why you fall even deeper and that’s when you slowly start to back away from friends and family, sometimes completely shutting them out.
All satisfaction is gone.
The little things that used to bring you joy are now worthless.
Even the simplest tasks become painful.
And that is why you lack motivation.
Now… Why would you keep on trying if nothing makes you happy anyway?
All of this makes you feel even worse and you get caught up in a vicious circle.
Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion.
Days become indistinguishable…
Just white noise, just… heaviness, filling your mind and spilling over your body.
You feel as though you’ll never be happy again.
You continue to back away and destroy relationships.
You’re ashamed for everything you’ve done and everything you haven’t.
There is a part of you that wants to make things right.
A sudden positive upsurge makes you want to go out and meet people but… it’s all very short-lived because you know it won’t work anyway.
Things that make your friends excited leave you indifferent and you become aware of the huge gap that lies between you.
Another failure is not an option, so in the end, you choose to be alone in your comfort zone where no one asks any questions.
The low self esteem and the lack of purpose become unbearable.
You finally realize you can’t go on that way and two things can happen:
You either decide to get some help or you…. might attempt a suicide.
Processing your request, Please wait....quick question for u guys . what makes u happy , if anything does ? -xoxo , Li <3
Processing your request, Please wait....Hello?
Is anybody out there?
Can anybody hear me?
I’m screaming for help
Please help me
I can’t see anything
I don’t know where I am
I’m just surrounded by darkness
Help me find myself because as time goes by I feel more lost
Processing your request, Please wait....the one thing i literally cannot stand is when i try to reach out or vent or share my story people make it about themselves literally nothing can ever be about me i have to beg my parents to buy me things like food and soap and shoes and i have to beg them to take me to the doctor or get me school supplies if i ever reach out to people they start talking about their own shit and it’s really fucking invalidating and doesn’t help me at all nobody has lived my life nobody has been through the exact same situations i don’t wanna fucking hear about your problems when im in my own crisis no offense but i could fucking care less i don’t give a fuck if yoga and mindfulness makes you feel good ive been in and out of hospitals and therapists i know all the techniques and they don’t do shit because my brain is defective my needs are not met and nobody takes me seriously i wish i had been aborted because i don’t even have a life of my own im just put here to serve others in exchange for them giving me the bare minimum necessities and i fucking hate when people make assumptions about me don’t say that im obviously not going to kill myself because i posted on this website instead of attempting i don’t really want to kill myself because i know things could get better but when you say im just seeking attention it makes me more suicidal i wouldnt expect people on this site to say this but surprise my fucking defective bipolar ass brain tells me suicide would be easier than riding the wave if i kill myself i will be more of a disappointment than i already am you don’t fucking know me so don’t act like you do just because i feel suicidal doesn’t mean i want to fucking try to kill myself i don’t want to let these feelings win i want to get better but fuck all the cards are stacked against me
Processing your request, Please wait....im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you
Processing your request, Please wait....i wonder why life isn’t fair i wonder if this is what i deserve i wonder if my happiness is too much to ask for i wonder if my sanity is unattainable i wonder if you ever wanted me i wonder if you ever loved me i wonder if you were ever proud of me i wonder if you ever saw me as a person not a problem i wonder why you went to bed after i sobbed to you on the phone i wonder why my life sucks i wonder why i am like this i wonder why i can’t be grateful for things worth being thankful for i wonder why im so sensitive i wonder why you don’t love me i wonder why i was ever born i wonder why i should stay alive i wonder what is my purpose i wonder should i even try i wonder if i am worthy of anything i wonder if anyone will ever stick around i wonder when things will change i wonder if that change will be good i wonder why i am so ugly i wonder why my brother is the favorite i wonder why my brain malfunctions i wonder if there’s a quick fix i wonder if these questions are worth asking i wonder if i am capable of being fixed i wonder if i will ever be myself again i wonder why i haven’t been myself in so long i wonder how come i keep listening to sad songs i wonder how come i get hurt at the smallest things intentional or not i wonder why i have to make sacrifices to get the bare minimum i wonder why nobody respects me i wonder why im so fucking stupid i wonder when will i die i wonder when will i learn to live i wonder if i will ever overcome my fear of existing i wonder if i will ever get better
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