”I still love you as much as i did then which is totally a whole frikin lot! I’ll never leaveeee youuuuu because i needdddddd youuuu foreverrrr innnn myyy lifeeee (yes there is a tune to that, my own kind of tune that is) Well my sweet sweet love i’m going to sit in front of the heater my feet seem to be going nmb from the coldness. I LOVE YOU LIKE A FAT KID LOVES CAKE”
but then you left us all.
i hate this.
does anyone else have really vivid dreams? sometimes i get them mixed up with reality and it’s so weird because the people i meet in them feel like real friends, real people. it’s sad too, i feel like i’d be a lot better off just sleeping and dreaming forever . anyways i hope everyone’s doing alright although if you’re here that’s probably not the case.
I don’t know what to write really. I guess I just want to get some feelings out. This won’t be written in any order that makes sense I just want to put all my thoughts down. I recently started cutting myself as a way to cope with my problems. I always felt an empty nothingness inside my heart, it feels like a bottomless pit. Every time I cut myself, the feeling goes away. It must be the dopamine or adrenaline rush but it feels good. Honestly, I don’t want to feel anything. Anger, love, pride, sorrow, I don’t want to feel ANY of it. I just want to die. My life has been a complete downward spiral and nothing is ever going to change. Everyone always tells me things will get better but I FUCKING KNOW IT WON’T. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THINGS WILL GET BETTER?? IT’S BEEN LIKE THIS FOR ALL THE YEARS I’VE BEEN ALIVE. I’M TIRED OF IT ALL AND I JUST WANT TO DIE. I’m tired of all the fucking lies. “I love you”. “I care about you”. “I need you”. All bullshit. They pity me and just want me to suffer. Everyone loves seeing me suffer. They never fucking cared about me. I don’t fucking matter and I’m FUCKING AWARE. They keep lying and lying just to fucking torment me. I’ll end it all with my death. I’ve attempted twice (and failed obviously because that’s what I am, a failure) but my next attempt will be my last. I’m sorry for the long rant. Most of it is probably rambling, incoherent bullshit but I just needed to get this off my chest.
I’m friendly, I smile, I act interested in and welcoming towards people. I ask them questions about themselves, laugh at their jokes, agree with them, just generally try to be pleasant to be around.
I try to be extroverted and zany and funny, since that’s what people seem to like and respond well to, but it never, ever lands; people just look at me weird, then go back to what they were doing like I never spoke.
If I’m my quiet, introverted actual self, people quite literally don’t notice me, let alone talk to me or include me or invite me to things. It’s like I’m invisible; there’s been times I’ve spoken and the people around me have had such a non-reaction I started to wonder if I’d spoken out loud or just in my head.
I just have no idea what I’m doing wrong, or what else I can try to make myself attractive to people socially. I feel like everyone got “how to socialise” classes in school that I somehow missed. I’m 25 for God’s sake, I shouldn’t be this useless at socialising, let alone dating. I wouldn’t even care if it didn’t make me so damn lonely. What kind of sick cosmic joke is that? “Make it a human with zero social skills, but also make it get crippling depression from being alone all the time.”
My bio family are assholes, and the friends I do have are wrapped up in their own lives/have their own problems and understandably don’t have much time for me. I just want to feel like someone values me, like someone would pick me out of a line-up and say “Her”. Doesn’t even need to be romantic, I just want someone to look at me and see something that matters. Am I really that ugly and boring and quiet that not one single person wants to be with me for me?
I feel like I’m not meant to have friends or a partner or a family, like I’m not meant to be here. I’ve never fit in anywhere, and I’m so useless at things that other people find easy I’m honestly starting to think it was a mistake I was ever born. I contribute nothing useful to the world that I can feel proud of, and if nobody even notices I’m here let alone cares, I don’t see why I should bother anymore. The world would be better off without me.
Its been a couple of days since I was so low that I considered it. Since then i made the decisions to go back to all my coping techniques instead of going back to anti depresents. Thanks to you guys who commented on my post. YOU made a differance in my outlook. I will persevere.
I have to remember that I have so much to be grateful for. I really do. I just wish I could stop living in my past. Put that shit away for good. Who knows what will be ahead of me if I just forgive, forget and move on. 1 day I will be strong enough. But for now, today, I am coping.I am not allowing my mind to make me feel like shit.
I am going to use this forum just to vent and get these thoughts out of my mind. I literally have no friends, my family use me for their problems and I cannot burden my son. I got a fright when the thought popped into my head after so many years. I know that 2020 is hard for everyone. We are all struggling with mental health but I am scared. You see I stopped doing all the drugs, I even stopped drinking this year and its all come crashing down. I cannot see a way out anymore. You know when you get into the cycle where everything goes wrong all the time and then you are caught in this cycle. Thats where I am. Cross fit – Not helping. Yoga – not helping. Meditation – not helping. My daily gratitude – not helping. So I stopped them all now I can hardly face the people at work let alone go to the shops. 2 weeks ago I ended up in hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. Thankfully it was just a panic attack. I know what to do, I have the tools, but its just so much easier you know, all my debts would be paid, my son would own the house, who would miss me? I have made no contribution to society. The only thing that stops me is my son. He did not ask to be born. He copes with the fact that his dad and I are not together (I have been single for 11 years) and all this would do is ruin his life. Make him deal with trauma. I know how hard that is. I am obviously not a role model on how to deal with trauma because I am letting it run my life again.
Right pity party over. Dust myself off. Make an appointment with my doc to see about anti depressents. Get back to the gym. Cook a meal every night, you know be a “normal” human. I promise today to not start drinking, to not start cutting and remember that I have been a single mom raising an amazing young man while working 3 jobs for the last 11 years. I am strong. I have to do this. I can do this.
If I understood you then how I understand you now; things would’ve been better.
Life has taught me many lessons, of which you were the greatest. It has taken me years… but now I know. What wasn’t then, should have been now. But it isn’t; and it never will be.
One day when I finally settle down, I’ll look back on my life and everything that I’ve been through. From childhood to my teenage years, off into adulthood and becoming a parent (perhaps). Yet right in the middle… There you’ll be. It kills me that you’ve still got a firm grasp on my heart, despite my attempts at using logic to loosen your chains. But of course; it must be that damn witchcraft of yours.
My memory isn’t the best these days, yet I’m sure it’ll be your 25th tomorrow. So… Happy birthday, T.
i am so afraid of death not really whats after it but the process of it and kinda whats after but my brain is just terrified of dying i think about it every fucking day and i wish i didnt. the funny part is that its the one thing in this world i deserve and i know it, i regret alot of things ive done and i know i deserve to die because of it. im so fucking paranoid all the time i cant remember the last time i havent felt like shit and everyone tells me its in my head and that this feeling will pass but they dont know that i deserve death if god is real i know i deserve to go to hell and burn forever nd most people fear that but its so much more fucked up when you know you deserve to be there or that you deserve all the pain and suffering your going through fuckin hate it and all i can do is make myself a better person but that doesn’t change the past i wish i wasn’t afraid so i could fucking end it but the fear the paranoia the sadness the pain it doesn’t stop i feel like i might be in some sort of limbo but its not going to end i know im a better person now but now i suffer the consequences of my actions in my own God damn mind
Ive been betrayed, abused, mentally fucked, cheated, lied to , spied on, stolen from, robbed of happyness and all my belongings, caged in psych wards, my entire life… But it occured to me, a few years ago… That I too, live in some kind of floating box CIA prison , the same as Terry A Davis claimed he did, and explained… For over 20 years. Even in my youth, people shit on me, talk down to me, betray me. .. fuck me over… The suicide attempts, the depression, the pain i went through, the betrayals…. I never knew I lived in some kind of prison that followed me around until a few years ago, I didnt know that this life was a construct around me, with the deliberate purpose of torturing me… the entire “gangstalking” things is a cover up, honey trap, for the real victims to run to online, where they just abuse them more, and discredit them.. a whole fiasco, a shit show. a mockery of the true “target” of theirs. .. . what a fucking joke. the jokes on me. as Terry A Davis said, “i live in a cia prison, a ****** runs my prison” …… yeah…. Yeah sure, we developed all the symptoms of schizophrenia, most heavily abused people do. It didnt come natural. We werent given a chance in life. To be normal. Because we think differently. We dont suck societies cock. We arent pussies. We dont conform like sheep following a trend. Thats cool. Thats punk rock. Terry A Davis , id like to say I can make it until the day comes, where this torture shit , the truth is revealed. And i will try. But today is a bad day. Im pretty down. I joined this site to rant. To express my pain and sorrow. Sometimes I dont know if I can make it another day. What a shit life. I will try to see the day this is exposed and get some kind of vindication for you. If for nothing else.
It seems to go in a bitter, vicious cycle. I take meds. I get better. I run out of meds. I don’t have financial resources to pay for the meds. I find the resources but not before I’ve “detoxed” off of paxil, buspar and doxepin. Not pleasant. Then the cycle starts over. During the time I am “detoxing”, I usually try to call it quits. I push my family further away. I retreat into myself. I haven’t worked outside my house in 3 years. The cycle starts over. I’m tired of this cycle. I want out, I want it to end. I am tormented, and tired of putting on a show. I’m evil. I sold my soul to the devil. Send me to hell.
everytime i try to convince myself that it’s okey and the future can be good i take one look at the news, or even just open twitter and im overwhelmed by the terrors of the world. im aware life has always had it’s hardships but it seems as though no one is actually living “to live” instead we are all “trying to stay alive” except ofc the rich and powerful. so why is this even worth living for? i literally have suicide as my plan B if any little thing in my life goes worse. i still somehow still have no died because of the troubles it’d cause but is it for my faith in a future? is it for hope? i sure as hell don’t think so.
I’m new. I’ve been quiet down lately but I think I’m okay for now. I’m ambitious but not confident. I hv a mental illness that nobody knows except the school counsellor. Everybody keeps pushing me to do better. I always feel like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff and there’s only a thin rope that’s keeping me from falling. I love my best friend, she’s the string but I feel so guilty and stupid. Isn’t that is enough? She understands me and I understand her. Shouldn’t I fight this for her? For my future?(that is if there is one) Life is so complicated. I’m struggling to stay afloat and I’m scared that what if one day I won’t be able to fight it anymore? Then it’ll all be a waste. I have no choice but to stay and fight the thoughts and my demons until my last breath because isn’t that something?
i can’t do school. i feel like i lose all my energy just being in google meets. And then there’s homework on top of that??? like bruh im already having to use so much energy to not kill myself and y’all expect me to pass classes asdhf. i just wish i could sleep forever. I can’t even talk to my therapist i’m so tired of thinking. here’s a song that helps soothe my thoughts,,
Life ask death
“Why do people love me but hate you?”
Death replies
“Because your a beautiful lie and im the painful truth”.
What’s on your mind, bud? Talk to me.
I know you came on this website to see what people have to say, to see if you can leave any comments. And I also know that you want to leave comments on people to help them with the shit they’re going through.
SCREW THAT. THAT’S NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE. YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU NEED HELP, YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO’LL LISTEN.
I WILL LISTEN.
Leave a comment, let’s talk. I’ll listen. No judgement, no problem-solving (unless you want it). I’ll try my best to understand, I’ll try my best to here you until you’re through, and most importantly I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU. Talk to me, leave a comment.
To the admins: I’ve been here since 2012, if memory serves me. I’ve been to some of the deepest, shittiest parts of life and came back fighting with lots of psychedelics, booze, victories and losses. I’ve had an amazing amount of love thrown at me and have recently come back to this site with the intention of helping.
struggling to keep up in life cause of the vices i caught on during the last few years is making me go insane. my minds a mess, I can’t seem to find peace in anything and sometimes i sob up but don’t have a shoulder to cry on or people to fully express how i feel. I know life is hard but getting through it is even harder, at least for me how am i not supposed to be bothered when there’s literally no tunnel vision. Sometimes i have suicidal thoughts and sometimes i feel like its just a phase I’m going through. I often abused anti depressants and drugs to avoid this but i guess its time i got some help.
… because I find it hard to believe that “the world would be much different place without you”
I’m sure many of us have heard this phrase before that we hear people say to others in an attempt to try and prevent them from taking their own life. However, if I was standing on the edge and ready to jump and someone said that to me I’m afraid that it wouldn’t persuade me to not kill myself because I’m pretty sure I would respond with something like: “The World? The World will remain the same. It will continue to spin on its axis. It will continue to revolve around the sun!! HUMANS WILL STILL CONTINUE TO BE CRUEL TO EACH OTHER AND OTHER ANIMALS!!!! People die every day whether by suicide or other means. The world as a whole will still be the same piece of rock, metal, and water drifting around a superheated ball of plasma.” And then I would probably just jump. What scares me is that I have tried to kill myself in the past and I’m afraid that someone saying that to me wouldn’t give me any reassurance if I were in a situation like this again. What I’m trying to say is that saying something like that to someone like me would most likely make things worse because none of us really do matter on the geological or cosmic scale. I know this isn’t anything positive, but what do you think? Is this something that we should continue to say to someone who is suicidal or do you think that we need to say something else to them? Your opinions would really be appreciated.
When I first started cutting, I was disturbed by the fact that I liked it so much. I looked up all the reasons people normally cut and I identified or have identified at some point with all of the causes and reasons given. Sometimes I cut to “externalize the internal pain.” Sometimes I cut when I’m depressed to feel something, or to calm myself down with the serotonin high if I’m anxious. Today I discovered that I was cutting for a reason that I’ve never before heard. I have this friend, my best friend actually. We talk about everything, but if I ever try to explain why a relationship with someone is hurtful, or not positive for me, she gets super defensive and calls it gossiping. It’s like she’s not listening to me being vulnerable and baring my soul for any other reason than finding some inconsistency in my story that puts me in a bad light or pointing out one of my character flaws. She only ever shows compassion if I’m visibly super upset. I try so hard never to do this to her by the way, but it doesn’t really even matter because the point is she delegitimizes my feelings, my experiences. Today, it made me want to cut. I realized I was doing it because it legitimized my feelings. I was experiencing the pain. I was telling myself, through my skin, what happened and I was leaving a scar behind as a record that I heard and felt and understood. What was unreal/disregarded/minimized/unheard became a real pain that left a real mark to confirm that what I felt was real. Since I’d never heard that as a potential reason, I was curious, have any of you ever self harmed for that reason, or something similar?
i’ve had an eating disorder for basically my whole life i think. i don’t know because i have severe ptsd and i have very little memories from 12-13 or earlier. i don’t talk to my family, i have almost no friends because i pushed them all away. my ex recovered from his eating disorder and is doing so well and i’m just… here… just as fat and just as mentally ill as before.
i don’t want to get better. i just want it to stop. i don’t want to do this
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