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Weary She Walks, Barefoot and Bemused

by Shephard
written by Shephard

If I understood you then how I understand you now; things would’ve been better.

Life has taught me many lessons, of which you were the greatest. It has taken me years… but now I know. What wasn’t then, should have been now. But it isn’t; and it never will be.

One day when I finally settle down, I’ll look back on my life and everything that I’ve been through. From childhood to my teenage years, off into adulthood and becoming a parent (perhaps). Yet right in the middle… There you’ll be. It kills me that you’ve still got a firm grasp on my heart, despite my attempts at using logic to loosen your chains. But of course; it must be that damn witchcraft of yours.

My memory isn’t the best these days, yet I’m sure it’ll be your 25th tomorrow. So… Happy birthday, T.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsGeneral

its ironic i deserve to die

by icant8209
written by icant8209

i am so afraid of death not really whats after it but the process of it and kinda whats after but my brain is just terrified of dying i think about it every fucking day and i wish i didnt. the funny part is that its the one thing in this world i deserve and i know it, i regret alot of things ive done and i know i deserve to die because of it. im so fucking paranoid all the time i cant remember the last time i havent felt like shit and everyone tells me its in my head and that this feeling will pass but they dont know that i deserve death if god is real i know i deserve to go to hell and burn forever nd most people fear that but its so much more fucked up when you know you deserve to be there or that you deserve all the pain and suffering your going through fuckin hate it and all i can do is make myself a better person but that doesn’t change the past i wish i wasn’t afraid so i could fucking end it but the fear the paranoia the sadness the pain it doesn’t stop i feel like i might be in some sort of limbo but its not going to end i know im a better person now but now i suffer the consequences of my actions in my own God damn mind

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Tortured… I know it well , Terry A Davis.

by TorturedAndExiled
written by TorturedAndExiled

Ive been betrayed, abused, mentally fucked, cheated, lied to , spied on, stolen from, robbed of happyness and all my belongings, caged in psych wards, my entire life… But it occured to me, a few years ago… That I too, live in some kind of floating box CIA prison , the same as Terry A Davis claimed he did, and explained… For over 20 years. Even in my youth, people shit on me, talk down to me, betray me. .. fuck me over… The suicide attempts, the depression, the pain i went through, the betrayals…. I never knew I lived in some kind of prison that followed me around until a few years ago, I didnt know that this life was a construct around me, with the deliberate purpose of torturing me… the entire “gangstalking” things is a cover up, honey trap, for the real victims to run to online, where they just abuse them more, and discredit them.. a whole fiasco, a shit show. a mockery of the true “target” of theirs. .. . what a fucking joke. the jokes on me. as Terry A Davis said, “i live in a cia prison, a ****** runs my prison” …… yeah…. Yeah sure, we developed all the symptoms of schizophrenia, most heavily abused people do. It didnt come natural. We werent given a chance in life. To be normal. Because we think differently. We dont suck societies cock. We arent pussies. We dont conform like sheep following a trend. Thats cool. Thats punk rock. Terry A Davis , id like to say I can make it until the day comes, where this torture shit , the truth is revealed. And i will try. But today is a bad day. Im pretty down. I joined this site to rant. To express my pain and sorrow. Sometimes I dont know if I can make it another day. What a shit life. I will try to see the day this is exposed and get some kind of vindication for you. If for nothing else.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralMy Suicide Note

I’m tired

by fadedobscurity2
written by fadedobscurity2

It seems to go in a bitter, vicious cycle. I take meds. I get better. I run out of meds. I don’t have financial resources to pay for the meds. I find the resources but not before I’ve “detoxed” off of paxil, buspar and doxepin. Not pleasant. Then the cycle starts over. During the time I am “detoxing”, I usually try to call it quits. I push my family further away. I retreat into myself. I haven’t worked outside my house in 3 years. The cycle starts over. I’m tired of this cycle. I want out, I want it to end. I am tormented, and tired of putting on a show. I’m evil. I sold my soul to the devil. Send me to hell.

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Coping SkillsGeneralRants

do you see the future of the human race worth living for?

by lostcase
written by lostcase

everytime i try to convince myself that it’s okey and the future can be good i take one look at the news, or even just open twitter and im overwhelmed by the terrors of the world. im aware life has always had it’s hardships but it seems as though no one is actually living “to live” instead we are all “trying to stay alive” except ofc the rich and powerful. so why is this even worth living for? i literally have suicide as my plan B if any little thing in my life goes worse. i still somehow still have no died because of the troubles it’d cause but is it for my faith in a future? is it for hope? i sure as hell don’t think so.

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Coping SkillsGeneralI Will Survive

No Choice

by girl in pieces
written by girl in pieces

I’m new. I’ve been quiet down lately but I think I’m okay for now. I’m ambitious but not confident. I hv a mental illness that nobody knows except the school counsellor. Everybody keeps pushing me to do better. I always feel like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff and there’s only a thin rope that’s keeping me from falling. I love my best friend, she’s the string but I feel so guilty and stupid. Isn’t that is enough? She understands me and I understand her. Shouldn’t I fight this for her? For my future?(that is if there is one) Life is so complicated. I’m struggling to stay afloat and I’m scared that what if one day I won’t be able to fight it anymore? Then it’ll all be a waste. I have no choice but to stay and fight the thoughts and my demons until my last breath because isn’t that something?

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Coping SkillsGeneralRants

no breaks for the tired

by marmo
written by marmo

i can’t do school. i feel like i lose all my energy just being in google meets. And then there’s homework on top of that??? like bruh im already having to use so much energy to not kill myself and y’all expect me to pass classes asdhf. i just wish i could sleep forever. I can’t even talk to my therapist i’m so tired of thinking. here’s a song that helps soothe my thoughts,,

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

I’M THE ONE YOU’VE COME TO TALK TO. LEAVE A COMMENT

by OddOneOut
written by OddOneOut

What’s on your mind, bud? Talk to me.
I know you came on this website to see what people have to say, to see if you can leave any comments. And I also know that you want to leave comments on people to help them with the shit they’re going through.

SCREW THAT. THAT’S NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE. YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU NEED HELP, YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO’LL LISTEN.

I WILL LISTEN.

Leave a comment, let’s talk. I’ll listen. No judgement, no problem-solving (unless you want it). I’ll try my best to understand, I’ll try my best to here you until you’re through, and most importantly I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU. Talk to me, leave a comment.

To the admins: I’ve been here since 2012, if memory serves me. I’ve been to some of the deepest, shittiest parts of life and came back fighting with lots of psychedelics, booze, victories and losses. I’ve had an amazing amount of love thrown at me and have recently come back to this site with the intention of helping.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

Death gotta be easy, cause life is hard, it’ll leave you physically, emotionally and mentally scarred.

by ineedhelp19
written by ineedhelp19

struggling to keep up in life cause of the vices i caught on during the last few years is making me go insane. my minds a mess, I can’t seem to find peace in anything and sometimes i sob up but don’t have a shoulder to cry on or people to fully express how i feel. I know life is hard but getting through it is even harder, at least for me how am i not supposed to be bothered when there’s literally no tunnel vision. Sometimes i have suicidal thoughts and sometimes i feel like its just a phase I’m going through. I often abused anti depressants and drugs to avoid this but i guess its time i got some help.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsGeneralI Will Survive

I need other peoples’ opinions on this…

by Thorium 232
written by Thorium 232

… because I find it hard to believe that “the world would be much different place without you”

I’m sure many of us have heard this phrase before that we hear people say to others in an attempt to try and prevent them from taking their own life. However, if I was standing on the edge and ready to jump and someone said that to me I’m afraid that it wouldn’t persuade me to not kill myself because I’m pretty sure I would respond with something like: “The World? The World will remain the same. It will continue to spin on its axis. It will continue to revolve around the sun!! HUMANS WILL STILL CONTINUE TO BE CRUEL TO EACH OTHER AND OTHER ANIMALS!!!! People die every day whether by suicide or other means. The world as a whole will still be the same piece of rock, metal, and water drifting around a superheated ball of plasma.” And then I would probably just jump. What scares me is that I have tried to kill myself in the past and I’m afraid that someone saying that to me wouldn’t give me any reassurance if I were in a situation like this again. What I’m trying to say is that saying something like that to someone like me would most likely make things worse because none of us really do matter on the geological or cosmic scale. I know this isn’t anything positive, but what do you think? Is this something that we should continue to say to someone who is suicidal or do you think that we need to say something else to them? Your opinions would really be appreciated.

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Coping SkillsGeneralRants

Discord pls

by Empty Husk
written by Empty Husk

Can anyone set up a discord for this site? Communicating by email isn’t done real time and there will be delays when speaking to one another. I believe setting up a discord allows us to chat and talk to one another in real time. Who knows, it might save lives when we have each other to vent and talk to, who truly understand what it means to be depressed and suicidal.

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Coping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRants

There’s no turning back is there?

by Empty Husk
written by Empty Husk

No matter how much I try to put myself out there, it seems people can sense you’re desperate for companionship and attention. I’ve tried calling acquaintances and whatever people I have left in my life and they really have no time for you anymore. Can’t say I blame them, they have lives and priorities of their own. Family comes first.

You also can’t make meaningful friendships past 30 now, can you? The people I know already have lives of their own and would put their families as their priority. They have no time for you, have to put in a schedule if they want to hang out with you and have no more time for small talks and chatter. Guess that comes with the age.

I really have no one to turn to. Why is it so hard to get out once you’re in this hole?

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsGeneralRantsStories of Loss

Is there even a point?

by Empty Husk
written by Empty Husk

Life has shit on me that its driving me to the point of suicide. Lost my mother just this New Year. Lost my friends because some toxic psychopathic asshat manipulated everyone around me and decided to turn everyone against me. I took out loans to prepare for my fiance’s wedding just this month then 2 weeks later, I find out that shes cheating on me with another guy. As Im typing this, the cheaters are now rubbing it in my face that theyre now together and seeing each other.

Look on the bright side. You people literally have it better than me. At least youre not mocked, made of fun, dont have to suffer, not made into some sort of loser and social pariah who society has decided to chew out and spit out after its been done with it. No amount of empty platitudes like “At least you can eat three times a day” will ever make things all right in my life.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralMy Suicide NoteRants

There’s no getting out, is there?

by Empty Husk
written by Empty Husk

I last visited this site on 2019. My life was a mess because one “friend” in my group is a psychopath and basically manipulated everyone to go against me, harass me online non-stop, isolate me and drive me to suicide by grinding down my reputation and character and saying all sorts of false accusations against me. Basically I was jobless, an outcast, a social recluse, pretty much had my life and reputation destroyed and all I did was mope in bed feeling powerless on not being able to do anything or pursue my dreams anymore. I went to the monastery to escape all this and wanted to isolate myself as some recluse monk free from the real world. I even wanted to leave my girlfriend because it got too much for me handle. Well, all according to plan or so I thought but the person in charge didn’t even let me try monk life and I was out by the 3rd day because they don’t accept “depressed” people. I thought that was the end of it and my life was over but my brother then got me to church and had me in a group. Unbelievably things were turning around as I made a new circle of friends, tried my darndest to forget the past and live life anew. I even got my online job back and was making decent money again to live out my dreams of finally being with my girlfriend as I wanted to marry her and start a new family to forget everything. We even had plans to marry May on 2021. I was hanging by a thread and the only thing holding me together was my gf and soon to be fiance as she was the only one left from my previous life.

Well all according to plan and going good right? Nope! Why that would be way too easy? There’s no way you’re gonna escape this! Why should God or some cosmic force decide I not suffer anymore and screw further with my life? As soon as things are turning okay my mother dies months later as I get my job back. It was devastating to me. I saw how she suffered in the hospital when doctors couldn’t figure out what her disease was so had loads of needles and machines attached to her. Things got so bad that she acquired a hospital pneumonia and had to have tubes inserted down her throat. I saw first hand how she was writhing in pain due to all the needles and machines inserted in her body.

Then 6 months later, I find out my gf’s been cheating with one of her old classmates as they formed a Chat Group on Facebook Messenger with their elementary batchmates. What set red flags for me was her attitude changing and being bitchy/naggy all the time, trying to start arguments over nothing and making issues out of thin air to shit test me. My autistic analytical mind definitely thought something was up and found out she has been cheating by sending lovey dovey messages with one of her classmates. She forgot I had access to her account as we gave each other’s passwords as a sign of each other’s trust and “openness”. Mind you, this former classmate of hers already has a child and impregnated many women out of wedlock already. In short this guy is a fuckboy. Learning the lessons from the past, I didn’t take too kindly on this so I saved as many screenshots as I can and printed 20 copies each and passed them on to her family and friends to make sure I’m not getting screwed again like what my friends did to me. Needless to say she got found out and is too ashamed to talk to me and now avoids me like the plague while blocking the fuckboy in an attempt to “remedy” the situation (she got a mouthful from her parents. They didn’t like the fact that she was cheating with a fuckboy).

Just as life was turning for the better I’m getting screwed again. Those feelings of loneliness, bitterness, sense of being isolated, being alone with no one to love and wanting to just die just to get it over with is creeping back in my mind. In short my friends had a falling out and left me, I am feeling suffocated and isolated, my mother dies in a horrible and excruciating way and found out the fiance which I’m supposed to marry cheated on me through social media messaging apps. What’s the point of going on? My girlfriend was the last thing holding me together but even that has been taken away. It’s as if God or some cosmic force has decided to just shit on me and make me as some personal amusement that my life should suck and that I should suffer no matter what I do. I don’t even want to live anymore. What’s the point of going on? There’s really just no escape once you get in, is there?

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Coping SkillsGeneral

Self Harm Reasons

by Persephone Descends
written by Persephone Descends

When I first started cutting, I was disturbed by the fact that I liked it so much. I looked up all the reasons people normally cut and I identified or have identified at some point with all of the causes and reasons given. Sometimes I cut to “externalize the internal pain.” Sometimes I cut when I’m depressed to feel something, or to calm myself down with the serotonin high if I’m anxious. Today I discovered that I was cutting for a reason that I’ve never before heard. I have this friend, my best friend actually. We talk about everything, but if I ever try to explain why a relationship with someone is hurtful, or not positive for me, she gets super defensive and calls it gossiping. It’s like she’s not listening to me being vulnerable and baring my soul for any other reason than finding some inconsistency in my story that puts me in a bad light or pointing out one of my character flaws. She only ever shows compassion if I’m visibly super upset. I try so hard never to do this to her by the way, but it doesn’t really even matter because the point is she delegitimizes my feelings, my experiences. Today, it made me want to cut. I realized I was doing it because it legitimized my feelings. I was experiencing the pain. I was telling myself, through my skin, what happened and I was leaving a scar behind as a record that I heard and felt and understood. What was unreal/disregarded/minimized/unheard became a real pain that left a real mark to confirm that what I felt was real. Since I’d never heard that as a potential reason, I was curious, have any of you ever self harmed for that reason, or something similar?

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Coping SkillsGeneral

Disordered and Done

by br0kenb0nez
written by br0kenb0nez

i’ve had an eating disorder for basically my whole life i think. i don’t know because i have severe ptsd and i have very little memories from 12-13 or earlier. i don’t talk to my family, i have almost no friends because i pushed them all away. my ex recovered from his eating disorder and is doing so well and i’m just… here… just as fat and just as mentally ill as before.

i don’t want to get better. i just want it to stop. i don’t want to do this

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Storage

by unlucky.dragon
written by unlucky.dragon

Do you ever feel like your head is just a place of storage of memories of all of the wrong you’ve made? I try to focus on the happy memories but my mind is in an eternal loop of all of the things I’ve fucked up. The people I’ve hurt. The shit I’ve done to my body. To my mind.
And I try to break the cycle and sometimes I can feel a little bit better but it’s just a few days and then I fall into the dark again. And my mind keeps making scenarios of my death and what it would be like. How would I feel the relief. But then again I’m scared of that too because it would be another fucked up thing to do to the ones I think love me. The ultimate wound. And so the nightmare begins again and I don’t know if it ever stops.

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Coping SkillsGeneralRants

Im trying to figure everything out

by Darciestylinson
written by Darciestylinson

Shit is pretty fucked right now in my opinion and those who are reading this might not think so if I explain it to you but my brain is freaking out about everything and I think im going to try to write and post when I’m upset and having a panic attack. I’m also just figuring out how the website works again. I used to read on here when I was 12 but it’s changed a lot since then

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