Last time I posted on here I was hopeful about not having any urges to self harm. Unfortunately I have relapsed after 40 days clean, longer than I had gone in a very long time. My hopeful spell came from leaving a long term relationship and feeling those burdens be lifted but my relapse came from seeing an update in my ex’s life.
I will try not to let this relapse taint my recovery and continue to work on my own happiness and independence.
i want it all to end, but i cant. i swore i would help someone with some feelings, but its getting hard to keep mine in check. she does help me, alot, but i cant take it anymore. i feel torn. i need to help her, but i also need to help myself. i wake up and feel a mix of anxiety, depression, and determination. i hate myself, and i want all of these feelings to end. i keep remembering some things that have happened to me…. but then i get a text from her saying “are you okay?” these little things help me; it […]
I feel so stupid for thinking I was capable. For not moving sooner. For moving with that asshole who didn’t pay rent and still refuses to pay me back. I feel so dumb for getting in so much debt. But within me there’s peace. There’s hope, there’s positivity. I hope i make it out of this someday. I hope things get better for me. I hope i manage to actually pass classes and get a degree. I don’t know what i want to study, But I want that cardboard saying i did it. Sucks I’m kinda dumb due to mental illness. Sucks how depression and […]
Let it go. Go ahead. You don’t deserve what’s happening to you but that doesn’t mean you should stop being nice. You can find joy in spreading it to others, and while some may find it fun to bring you down, it slowly destroys their soul. I don’t have anyone to tell my feelings to. Talk with your consciousness. It’s okay, Trust this struggle is part of the process. And trust that as long as you don’t give up and keep pushing forward, no matter how hopeless things seem… you will make it.
Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that […]
I get attached easily and I hold on to things tightly so please don’t let my mind want things that I can’t handle dont let my mind trick me into wanting things I don’t need or things that are not good for me, please don’t let my heart miss people who don’t miss me. Don’t let my heart long for the ones who left. Don’t let my heart fall in love with someone who doesn’t want to stay.
I know you’re plan is un, known but until you reveal it to me. PLEASE make it easier. Don’t let me hold on to what I need to […]
I never knew how much you mean to me when we first started talking. Until today I still love you as, much as I did since you came and confronted I felt like I was the happiest. I just want to let you know how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate you. You never failed to make me smile, Things aren’t getting better ever since your behavior changed, I miss you so much. Having random breakdowns with you on my mind wondering if you’re doing fine. I’m sorry, I wasn’t what you wanted, I’m sorry, I wasn’t the best, I’m sorry […]
It has been 6 weeks since the last time I self harmed, usually at this stage I would be shaking uncontrollably and digging for a release. But I don’t feel like that, I feel good. The thing that’s different this time is I am no longer in a relationship. It makes me feel so guilty because my ex knew about my self harm and tried to help the best he could but now that he’s gone I’m finally okay. I know why too, he was so jealous and I would isolate myself in attempt to reassure him but it destroyed my friendships and I would […]
I just wanted to be a scientist. That is all I wanted. But I don’t know if that will come true. It seems like life doesn’t want that to come into fruition. I’ve tried studying for it , but the math is so complicated I am not sure If I can do it. Maybe if I take one class at a time? I am getting older however, so I am not sure if I can take the liberty to do that. I feel like the scarecrow from Wizard of Oz. Except there is no wizard in sight. I love science. I really do. I am […]
Last night, I was stressed. I feel like it’s just all my emotions beginning to leak out. I had a pretty bad headache too. I just kept slamming my palm into my forehead, hoping it would just stop. It gave me a moment of relief and then it just continued to hurt. I don’t like consuming medicine because it weakens your body’s natural fighting. It might sound like a stupid reason, but it’s not in the long run, it’s not. It’s like I’m stuck here, for 3 more years. It sucks. I still hate myself. my left arm still hasn’t healed and you can see […]
Life……it’s a complicated thing for many people. Some of it is brought on by ourselves, though some of it is thrown upon us outside of our control. Both good things and bad things work that way. Sometimes you have to take a step back to see the full picture to not get lost in the details, and sometimes you have to take a closer look at things to find your way through the forest. Balance won’t always be the same. The scales can shift. The weights can slide and you have to be ready for when they do. Not everything in the future is foreseeable […]
Gratitude is overrated, like many other optimistic/positive-thinking advices. Not everybody can do that. It’s unrealistic, and honestly full of BS (bullshit)
Gratitude has become today’s current hype which everyone seems to be doing, and even keep posting about it constantly on social media. Everywhere you see people always talk about gratitude (& with all other optimistic/positive stuff usually).
It becomes irritating however when gratitude is forced and shoved down our throats, as if everyone should (or must) do that. In reality, you can’t just force other people to keep showing gratitude constantly. Things happened, shits happened; problems, pain, & sufferings happen to some people, which is ridiculous […]
I’m drunk while writing this I have tried vaping, but my mom took my vape and she was gone today so I drank her alcohol (vodka), and it was good but now I’m drunk I think but I will do it more if she doesn’t find out I did it and I don’t know why all of the sudden I have started this shit and I just felt like posting about this I will try to post more soon bye for now.
What an god awful day. My emotional capacity is of a child, I couldn’t even let anyone know I went home early, due to feeling like ass. I had it in my gut, that none of my friends will have time to talk to me about it, and I was right. I’m going to cut my arms open tonight. It has been a long time, since that happened but it’s just one of those days you know.? I feel heavy, burdened. It feels like an entity has reached for my heart and keeps hold of it. My weekend will just be me.
Healing.
That’s the word we keep using.
Healing the inner child. Healing the past, Healing and moving forward. Moving with each other.
Special.
What we have is clearly special.
It’s not like we love each other, but we care. We keep using that word, too. Care. I care for her. She cares for me.
…
Pact.
We made a pact together.
We would be alone with each other if it helped and also avoid self-isolation.
Her mind. Font. Her Font. She is so similar to me. She calls it OCD and Anxiety.
I am afraid to speak before her.
but my words
become easier as they leave me
when I speak with her –
i feel heard. After all. Somehow. […]
Do you ever dissociate on your couch at night and casually talk about suicide with your friends, though usually you keep it to yourself.?
Welp, I didn’t just spend a whole hour, writing a whole monologue on the matter of the meaning of life, nooo, I did not… This is going to be awkward tomorrow, I can tell. Not sure, if 50 deleted messages are worse though, seeing as I do that a lot, when I am hurt about something or think: Eh, it’s irrelevant (in a few hours) anyway (’cause my mood is like a pendulum of shit).
I think I’ll leave it. I don’t want […]
Hello there, friends. I just ran across this website tonight. At first I was shocked because it seemed to be promoting suicide, but then I read the rules and realized that wasn’t the case. However, I didn’t worry any less about the people on this site. I don’t know any of you but I’m guessing I know the feelings you’re feeling. Please take a look at what I have to say.
Disclaimers
I’m going to make a few disclaimers before I start. First of all, if I accidentally say something that offends you, I apologize and recognize that your viewpoint exists. However, I don’t apologize for speaking […]
lonely, i’ve been. no matter how much i say that, it still doesn’t change. i’m stuck in this pit.
my own little world has been harder and harder to focus on, a place where i’m not that lonely.. but this one album(s) makes me carry on. it’s called The Metal Opera by Tobias Sammet’s Avantasia.
i found it simply on a whim, i started with one song called The Seven Angels.. and ever since i’ve been hooked.
I bought the gold edition CD, and reading though the whole lore makes me feel more connected to the characters, the world. i love everything about this album and i can’t […]
I am afraid of harm.
I have grown wise about harm.
But I just found that when I perform it, the crippling pain leaves in a way and for a time while my wound remains.
I am scared of myself now.
[image and caption removed]
My eyes roll back, my tongue hardens, balling up in my throat.
I choke on my body, every finger feels alone. As if somebody is pouring their voice into my mind, humming a drone which washes over me like I’m being boiled alive, I reeel repeatedly, awash sans sensation save an echoing of separation.
Like a hand to the face, or a soft bucket of cold water, my senses return, the highways of mind occupy themselves once more.
Defenseless, totally vulnerable to otherworldly nothing, unreasonable in any fashion.
/~\\
(Abandoned places)
https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/transition.html
https://www.bmj.com/content/341/bmj.c3222
https://www.uptodate.com/contents/suicidal-ideation-and-behavior-in-adults/print
https://drjonicewebb.com/how-to-deal-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents/
https://www.wikihow.com/Accept-That-Your-Parents-Don%27t-Understand-You
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantone_448_C
(here- […]
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