I’m about to try smoke some weed. Is it good? what can it do?
I can’t bring myself to consciously cut open my own skin, but I found out that I CAN play knife roulette–and the cuts I receive with each slip-up feel much better. Additionally, if anyone asks about the scars, I can just tell them about my “parlor trick”.
As all of you may know, I’ve been harassed lately and now I’ve found a way to cope with my depression. My friends told me that I can’t just hide from society even if that’s the only way to feel better, they also told me that I have to face my fears. A method they think could help was try and meet new friends, which is understandable. And the other one was listen to music that made me feel comforted and special, they suggested a bunch of artist but the one that stand out for me was BTS. so I started listening to their music and it really felt like I was being comforted and especially the lyrics of the songs are just so good. Why I like them was because they help keep my suicide thoughts out of my mind, so I’ve been quiet happy lately. So this August 25th I’m going to there concert with my friends. Cause I have more reasons to live now and that made me and my friends happy.
All I am doing is praying that I don’t fuck up my next relationship. I’m only two weeks shy of 21 but my past relationships have made me exhausted. I’m starting to not believe in love anymore. I want to get married and have children with the right person but I don’t know how to stop investing in the wrong people
I like this piece it soothes my mind and i would forget my surroundings
When I was born, I had less weight on me then I was supposed to, and don’t get me wrong I understand other people went through this too. I also understand that people go through being teased and being taunted about their weight throughout their lives. But I want to help you understand what it’s like to be black and underweight. I am currently 13 years old, and I weigh 73 pounds. The average for a thirteen year old (f) is 82-137 pounds. Now I feel like you can believe what you want to believe when it comes to normalcy to 13 teen year old (f) weight, but when we go by how light/heavy “we” are supposed to be I am obviously underweight. Below there will be a list of all the things weight has done to me in middle school, if you wouldn’t like to see that then SKIP to the next BOLD title. (warning: they’re all stories/paragraphs)
Edit: I’m not sure if this was officially posted, it’s. Very confusing on how to submit.
Hello.I’m new here & I feel like I have no one to open up to which is why I’m here. Long read so if you can’t read my whole essay, just skip to the LAST PARAGRAPH below.
I’m 32 yrs old & have suffered from depression since I was a teenager. I find that living with depression is bearable when I have great things going on in my life.
As of these past couple of years, I have experienced a moderate amount of hardships. My mom became very sick, as a result, she’s currently in a nursing home. I have a strenuous full time in the medical field, get off work & visit my mom daily. When I go, I’m the one that’s physically taking care of her being as though that’s what I did when she was living at home & it just comes natural, especially when the aids leave her sitting there because they know I’m showing up to do her anyway.
I’m emotionally & physically drained. She relies on me everyday to visit, toilet & bring her food & I feel sooooooo overwhelmed.
6 months ago I met someone great, I thought the progressive relationship was going somewhere, until he dissapeared out of nowhere. He was the one I used to open up to & distract myself with fun things when I was at my wits end because he’s also a sometimes caregiver. I felt like he was the only positive thing in my life that I looked forward to, now I no longer have that.
Most men want sex from me & not a relationship. So, once they find out that I’m actually not having sex without a commitment of at least a gf title, they dissapear.
I also have a very toxic relative who’s always sharing his burdens with me, expecting me to fix his financial mistakes.
I have had a string of bad luck that’s making me be more of a pessimist. I’m not going to be optimistic because when you are, you set yourself up for harder dissapointment.
After being single for all my life, dating several men, & finally meeting someone I connected with, only to get ghosted/dumped was the final straw for me, & at this point it hurts to even breathe. Everyday is like groundhogs day.
I’ve always had suicidal tendencies, but they have been exasperated with the recent hardships.
I’ve thought about the portable generator in the backseat of a vehicle, what do you guys think about that?
That’s the method that young boy, Conrad Roy used,and he obviously succeeded.
I keep re-reading the articles detailing his death to pick up on things I can incorporate & succeed in my suicide, & the only thing that’s stopping me is spending 500 bucks on one only to not knowing how to operate the generator.
So, if you didn’t already know, you are now the third person that knows about this, I don’t like to tell people unless they are really close or I end up upsetting them therefore id tell them. Well last summer in 2018 I had the worst months of my life, there were 2 weeks where I decided not to eat at all and got taken to the hospital. I was in a state of mind where dying was the most important accomplishment for me. I’d lost the one person who made me stronger and who made me, me. I spent months on end crying and having these thoughts In my head. There were my ups and downs I admit, there were days where I cried from laughter but then there were days and nights where I cried from hate of myself and wanted to end everything. As soon as I started school I began to go to a counsellor after school which mum paid for and I would spill everything to her. Eventually she realised why I had these states of being happy and sad and it was me alternating from ‘manic and depressive episodes”. And to be fair I am still like it now if you haven’t noticed already. I used to post loads of paras on this website for suicide awareness about how I felt. It helped lot to let out my feelings but you know.
And after many weeks like this I told my bestest friends and literally couldn’t have asked for any better support or advice. I had a family of friends at skaters, ginger retard, binweeval, the seagull and the penguin. But then one by one they began to leave; the penguin was the only one who stayed and who supported me through everything and was literally my brother for 6 months. Then dorito came along and my life changed, I got controlled and loads more. Then I literally got used for my body by everyone; “gay boi” didn’t give two fucks about me, dorito wanted me to fuck him, even the penguin touched me up. The one person I had who I trusted my life with. After that I broke inside and lost everything. He was my human diary, my soul mate and when he did that it just broke me. The only messages I get were “fuck me” or “fit af” and I just wanted someone to love me for me not for my body. Or people taking advantage of me being able to help them with their problems or stop them from taking their lives. But on a day to day basis this happened. I couldn’t keep sending 4-page paragraphs, calls that lasts 12 hours, just to stop them and make them feel better. Because when I fell, no one was there for me. Not one single person.
Also, if you didn’t already know, I won’t eat for as long as I can when I’m sad, I will have constant thoughts that I’m ugly, I’m fat, I mean what can I say… I’ve been told it all before anyway so it’s true. I get told “why’d u look so depressed, oh wait you always are” I won’t go on social media for hours, I lock myself in my bathroom and literally cry four hours until my head fucking hurts, I’ve overdosed to make myself feel okay, I’ve become drunk just to get rid of all sad thoughts, I’ve cut to make myself feel better about the things I’ve fucked up in my life.
next year I’m supposed to go to college
but when somebody asks me what do I want to study I don’t know what to say to them.
I never thought that I would make it pas this age.
Don’t be confused, this isn’t a survivor story, I’m not happy to be here.
I feel so lost and they expect me to think of something to study next year but I don’t want to do anything with my life
I’ve never planned to turn 18 so my future is really foggy, to be honest
I am a 24 year old guy. This is for the first time I am writing something out of my heart so I will try my best to open up. Life has always been tough for me to be more specific it’s been one wrong decision after another. I was raped multiple times by by older cousins and others when I was a kid. I did not know what was happening, I was to young to understand or share my situation with anyone. As I grew older and realised I wanted to kill those people but I was too emotional and weak to do something like that. I fought through that feeling but it left me hurt for life. Teenage was brutal I was a introvert and was bullied all the time had a tough time making friends. I couldn’t talk to my parents abt what was happening because I always felt they won’t understand. Timed pass as I grew up, I found my refuge in art. I started acting and even started to do stand up as it helped me escape my pain and allowed to be someone else. But fate had something else in mind my parents didn’t allow me to persue acting and forced me to take up engineering. College was horrible I used to fail all the time and never felt interested. But I didn’t give up and tried hard to pass without failing a year. I managed to graduate with a low cgpa. It’s been 2 years and I have not been able to secure a job. Time is passing by and I am unable to support my family. The whole family and relatives expect me to do something great which just crushes me even more when I fail to do something. I have nothing to show for. My family won’t even let me be with the girl I love and I have to stay away from her and it kills me every day. I have been thinking about killing myself for the past few days. I have tried it in the past when I was a teen but failed twice. I am not strong enough to even kill myself. I don’t know what to do. Every day I am just being sucked deeper and deeper in this hole. I don’t think I have it in me anymore to face another rejection or another failure. I see no point in living and feel like a burden on everyone around. I don’t know how to escape this suffering.
Depression creeps upon you quietly.
At the very beginning you struggle with the little things, but usually, choose to ignore them.
It’s like a headache.
You’ll tell yourself it’s temporary and it’ll pass.
It’s just another bad day.
But it’s not.
You are stuck in this state of mind.
You get used to putting on a social mask and you continue to live among other people because that’s what you have to do.
That’s what others do.
However, the problem does not go away.
You struggle to put on a play every day and it starts to cost you more and more.
That is why you fall even deeper and that’s when you slowly start to back away from friends and family, sometimes completely shutting them out.
All satisfaction is gone.
The little things that used to bring you joy are now worthless.
Even the simplest tasks become painful.
And that is why you lack motivation.
Now… Why would you keep on trying if nothing makes you happy anyway?
All of this makes you feel even worse and you get caught up in a vicious circle.
Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion.
Days become indistinguishable…
Just white noise, just… heaviness, filling your mind and spilling over your body.
You feel as though you’ll never be happy again.
You continue to back away and destroy relationships.
You’re ashamed for everything you’ve done and everything you haven’t.
There is a part of you that wants to make things right.
A sudden positive upsurge makes you want to go out and meet people but… it’s all very short-lived because you know it won’t work anyway.
Things that make your friends excited leave you indifferent and you become aware of the huge gap that lies between you.
Another failure is not an option, so in the end, you choose to be alone in your comfort zone where no one asks any questions.
The low self esteem and the lack of purpose become unbearable.
You finally realize you can’t go on that way and two things can happen:
You either decide to get some help or you…. might attempt a suicide.
quick question for u guys . what makes u happy , if anything does ? -xoxo , Li <3
Is anybody out there?
Can anybody hear me?
I’m screaming for help
Please help me
I can’t see anything
I don’t know where I am
I’m just surrounded by darkness
Help me find myself because as time goes by I feel more lost
the one thing i literally cannot stand is when i try to reach out or vent or share my story people make it about themselves literally nothing can ever be about me i have to beg my parents to buy me things like food and soap and shoes and i have to beg them to take me to the doctor or get me school supplies if i ever reach out to people they start talking about their own shit and it’s really fucking invalidating and doesn’t help me at all nobody has lived my life nobody has been through the exact same situations i don’t wanna fucking hear about your problems when im in my own crisis no offense but i could fucking care less i don’t give a fuck if yoga and mindfulness makes you feel good ive been in and out of hospitals and therapists i know all the techniques and they don’t do shit because my brain is defective my needs are not met and nobody takes me seriously i wish i had been aborted because i don’t even have a life of my own im just put here to serve others in exchange for them giving me the bare minimum necessities and i fucking hate when people make assumptions about me don’t say that im obviously not going to kill myself because i posted on this website instead of attempting i don’t really want to kill myself because i know things could get better but when you say im just seeking attention it makes me more suicidal i wouldnt expect people on this site to say this but surprise my fucking defective bipolar ass brain tells me suicide would be easier than riding the wave if i kill myself i will be more of a disappointment than i already am you don’t fucking know me so don’t act like you do just because i feel suicidal doesn’t mean i want to fucking try to kill myself i don’t want to let these feelings win i want to get better but fuck all the cards are stacked against me
im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you
i wonder why life isn’t fair i wonder if this is what i deserve i wonder if my happiness is too much to ask for i wonder if my sanity is unattainable i wonder if you ever wanted me i wonder if you ever loved me i wonder if you were ever proud of me i wonder if you ever saw me as a person not a problem i wonder why you went to bed after i sobbed to you on the phone i wonder why my life sucks i wonder why i am like this i wonder why i can’t be grateful for things worth being thankful for i wonder why im so sensitive i wonder why you don’t love me i wonder why i was ever born i wonder why i should stay alive i wonder what is my purpose i wonder should i even try i wonder if i am worthy of anything i wonder if anyone will ever stick around i wonder when things will change i wonder if that change will be good i wonder why i am so ugly i wonder why my brother is the favorite i wonder why my brain malfunctions i wonder if there’s a quick fix i wonder if these questions are worth asking i wonder if i am capable of being fixed i wonder if i will ever be myself again i wonder why i haven’t been myself in so long i wonder how come i keep listening to sad songs i wonder how come i get hurt at the smallest things intentional or not i wonder why i have to make sacrifices to get the bare minimum i wonder why nobody respects me i wonder why im so fucking stupid i wonder when will i die i wonder when will i learn to live i wonder if i will ever overcome my fear of existing i wonder if i will ever get better
I lay here hopelessly upon my bed
where words seem to fall yet,
they never seem to leave my head
where I sit behind a colourless screen and constantly keep falling in and out of a bad dream.
The net I cast to set me free only ended up tying me up,
threatening to snap at the feel of a touch,
an emotion which is all controlled by the only constant friend,
who whispers in my ears and slowly cripples my self-esteem.
Is this the end?
It feels like I’m dying,
the comfort of my friends only seems to hurt me.
It hurts me to see them happy and free,
I try to feel but in that process, my mind wanders
I feel empty and alone.
I’m trying to function this dysfunctional vessel I try to call ME.
On the surface my life seems perfect. I have a job, a car, so called friends, and I’m about to finish my degree in finance.
Yet despite all this I still want to die.
I guess the core trauma started when I was 7 and my parents got divorced. (there were many others)
Life before that was perfect and I distinctly remember my parents sitting me down
and telling me I have nothing to worry about and that they promise they won’t divorce.
They divorced the next day and my life spiraled out of control.
My dad turned into a religious nut and began giving away all of his money to homeless people.
It got to the point where he read some bullshit where it said a good christian only eats one small meal a day.
And ended up nearly starving to death.
He also lost his ability to function as an adult or take care of me as a kid.
He wouldn’t even let me wash my clothes (“jesus” spoke to him) and as a result
I ended up smelling and bullied horrifically because of it. (“jesus” also hated deodorant)
It got so bad that sometimes I would go without food for 2-3 days because he couldn’t find work.
We also ended up getting evicted because he ordered 30 pizzas and left them in front of a picture
of Jesus for 10 days and said if I eat them, I’ll be dammed to hell. (I shit you not) This also happened when we were broke and dirt poor.
I still have the building managers look of disgust etched in my memory even though this happened almost a decade ago.
Then everything changed. (not for the better)
My aunt came, picked him up and took him to a rehab clinic.
I was dropped off at a friend’s house and left there.
While I wasn’t abused or anything and they were a “normal” family,
I was still a stranger in their home and couldn’t speak Spanish and felt like a stranger.
Then by some miracle I graduated high school (the same one I got bullied in)
Eventually I ended up getting my life together.
And that’s when I the depression hit.
Everything lost meaning in my life.
Everyday goes by and I feel emptier and emptier.
It’s funny, I used to feel an intense anger when I was with my dad and my life was screwed.
That anger disappeared.
Now I feel extremely tired.
Every time I go to school or work exhausts me, every time I socialize with friends I feel out of place.
For some reason I feel like I stick out.
Also, every time I’m in a room with people I feel like they keep staring at me and are sizing me up.
Also, the last relationship I was in ended with the girl crying and saying her life would be better without me in it.
I feel she could tell something is wrong with me.
I feel no like I have no more fight left in me.
I went from being a lone outcast in high school to one of the top performing students in my college class with a 4.0 GPA (sorry to brag If it makes you feel better, I’ll probably be dead soon.)
Yet I’m more miserable than ever.
Everything I do is meaningless.
In essence, I’m a zombie.
A dead man walking.
The only thing keeping me from doing it is fear.
I don’t even know why I wrote this to be honest.
Maby somebody else feels the same way I do.
I know compared to what some of the other stuff people have said, this might be, “lame”, but I have been at such a low point in my life lately and I need somebody’s help. I hate it at home. I hate my family. If you’re wondering why, it’s because I feel like I can’t have a normal life. I live in a strict household, I never feel love no matter how much times my parents say it to me because their words are hollow to me. Actions speak louder than words, and I have been taken granted by everyone around me. Sometimes I feel like ending it all just to teach them a lesson for the better of everybody. So basically, high school is my escape.
I haven’t really opened up to my friends about this stuff (it would just make our relationship awkward, and hanging out with them is one of the only times I feel normal) and there’s this girl I’ve been talking to for a couple of years. We’ve gotten really close, but I never asked her out. I thought I had made it clear she was MINE, but lately my best friend has been talking to her, flirting. And I feel her drifting away from me, and whenever I wanna feel happy for either of them I just feel envy. I envy him, the people around me with for the most part, normal, happy lives.
I have also been grounded for a really long time for doing some illegal stuff (I’m leaving it at that) so I can’t even hang out with my friends anymore. I’m drifting away from everyone.
I play basketball, music is also one of my only escapes, but lately the stuff that makes me happy does not outweigh the pain I feel because of the circumstances around me. I just need some help, advice that can help me feel better.
i keep trying to wreck myself instead of killing it,i cut even tho i don’t consider myself a cutter, i smoke but im not a smoker either, and i fucking hate food, and now for the first time in my life i’m starting to pass out randomly. the thing is tha now im not doing anything particularly to trigger this. but what’s even more sick is that i feel proud, it’s like my plans are working and im slowly dying. most of the passing outs happened when i’m alone thankfully and i was in a place to rest and not fall. it was only once when i was out and for that people called my family and now they are focusing more on what i do,, i hate that i want to fucking die in peace.
is it sick to be happy that you are sick? im pretty sure something is very wrong with my body cuz my heart hurts but im happy? it’s so weird and complicated