This constant hate for myself has been getting overwhelming. Honestly suicide has started to become a huge option. I try to think positively of myself and about my life but I can’t and it’s really hard. I know there are peoples life’s worse than mine but I just don’t like myself and I always feel like I don’t deserve to live. I’ve been crying everyday of my life for the past couple of months non stop about 2-5 times a day. My body has become so weak and I always feel exhausted for all this crying but get 4 hours or less sleep a day. I think I’ve reached a breaking point where I can’t take it anymore and I can’t stand myself living anymore and I can’t go on like this. I don’t know what I should do but I know this hate for myself is never gonna stop now. It’s too deep. I don’t think I even liked me or truly loved myself and now it’s just turned to absolute hatred of who I am, what I am, what I look like, how I act, how I feel and where I am, and just everything about me I can’t stand anymore. I always feel like people’s life’s will be better if I was gone. I mean nobody has to worry about me anymore right? I’ll just be in a hole somewhere and everyone can just forget about me and everything will be better. That’s all I want anyway… just for everyone to forget I exist and maybe just to never exist cause I’m just always gonna be the piece of shit I am and nothing is ever gonna change. I don’t know how to what to live or strive anymore it’s so hard when you feel like this all the time and feel like your always peoples problem and nobody cares about you and you always annoy people and you always feel like people are saying bad things about you behind your back and always feel like people hate you or don’t like you. I just wanna be normal………
So for a while now, probably a couple of months I’ve been crying every single day about something it could be the littlest thing but I just start crying and I just going to this episode of hating myself and wanting to just be alone and away from everything and everyone and then it turns into anger and then anybody who tries to help me I give a attitude to. And I do know that I’m clinically diagnosed with bipolar depression But for years it’s been under control and I’ve learned how to control it so much that years ago the Psychiatrist felt like I didn’t need any more medication and it was good for a while my emotions were pretty much under control and I had normal emotions. But that only lasted a while because I have been hiding my depression a lot but it’s never been this bad I’ve never cried every day of my life for months and almost like three or five times a day and it’s tiring and my head hurts and my body sore And I always feel like I’m tired or sick but it’s just because I’ve been crying so much and I don’t understand it I feel like I can’t even go outside anymore even though technically I really can’t because of the circumstances of the world right now but say we weren’t in quarantine and I had to go outside I probably wouldn’t because I’m scared that the smallest thing is going to hurt me or make me sad or anger me and then I’ll just go into an episode out in public and then hate myself even more than what I already do. I’m just confused on why this is happening and I want to change it because it’s taking a toll on my body And on my brain If you read this thank you have a good afternoon stay safe and wash your hands
Well I used this website before and honestly it’s a really helpful and supporting place and I’ve never experienced any type of hate being here so I decided to use it again and I thank the people on this website for being so nice to me when sharing my feelings really means a lot and would gladly do the same . I don’t even know how to put all that I’m feeling into proper words. I’ve been going through a lot in my own head. I constantly put myself down and I’m always saying that I hate myself. And the worse part is everything I say to myself I believe… I don’t like myself… I hate being who I am… I wish I didn’t exist or was never born cause I’m always constantly feeling like I make peoples life’s worse… I don’t know how to even talk to people anymore like a regular person. There was a time in life where I had to get hospitalized for my bipolar depression and for a while I was doing okay and but as time goes by I just hate myself more and more and I feel like it’s never going to stop. I always never really liked myself. Maybe as a kid but as I was growing up I got bullied a lot in elementary and middle school and a little bit in high school but not too much. All those moments just replay over and over again in my head and just remind me of why I hate myself and I just feel like giving up sometimes. I’m trying to change so I can’t feel this way anymore but due to the circumstances of the world right now it’s hard to change being stuck in the house all day which is basically what I did before and I was really depressed. There are some bright side to my life obviously I have a phone A roof over my head and a very supportive boyfriend Who helps me out with all these thoughts And I think God for these things that some people don’t have but we are all dealing with a different type of struggle no one’s life is ever perfect I was just really like some advice on how I could change the way I feel about myself because it’s come to a point where I don’t want people to be around me anymore and the only way to do that is to get rid of myself and I already tried it once and it failed And I didn’t even tell anyone and the only thing that stops me a boyfriend will be sad and so hurt if I did that to myself and he’s been trying to help me for so long so I’m trying to reach out to someone else to see if they could help me rethink myself So I can feel just a little better about myself Because I’ve been feeling this way for so long and it doesn’t only hurt me it hurts my boyfriend to see me like this knowing that he’s been trying to help me and it’s not working. Like I’ve never felt this type of hatred toward myself like it’s so different than anything I’ve ever felt before it’s like I just can’t stand myself and I just wanna feel a little better I doubt anyone would even read half of this but if you do thank you and I appreciate you reading a small part of my story I might upload a lot more on this website it helps me a lot after texting my feelings down about how I feel about myself it’s calmed me down from ballistic crying I hope everyone good night stay safe and Wash your hands
yes, this shit is a soul cancer, depression is even worse than body cancer, it kills your soul , and once ur soul is dead, u are dead even if ur body keeps moving. and thats where we start thinking of commiting suicide cuz thats the only option we see, we are dead, so we want to kill the only thing left which is the body.
that bing said , i hope i dont reach that stage , am getting worse evveryday but am trying to fight back even tho i lose most of my battles vs depression, anxiety, overthinking and negativity . i am having these shits since 2016. its been almost 4 years and i am dying slowly. I AM SLOWLY GIVING UP.
those motiviational videos in youtube, its all bulshits , yea full of shits , Fuk them and Fuk society.
i dunno if i am gonna make it out of this one day, Dont know, maybe… or maybe i will end up like other souls , killing that last thing alive.
For those who need to disappear but are unable to go through with suicide.
I have spent most of my recent years attempting to “stop being me”. I am here to share my findings in a hope to help some of you. I will preface this by saying that those who struggle with addiction probably would not be able to derive any aid from this, as a good amount of patience and will is required to follow through with this process. I do not recommend this to everyone, especially minors. If anyone would wish for it, I will provide my contact details so you can reach me and further inquire about and discuss all this.
My approach at first was to try to push out this self from my mind, hoping that it would be replaced with some kind of an autopilot mode. One of my greater psychotic episodes involved some kind of an entity trying to remove me from my body, as it wanted to possess it. During this process, I became more and more distant from the physical world, thinking that my body was now host to that supernatural entity. Looking back, I can see that there was no entity but I learnt two valuable tools required for my objective: belief and exhaustion.
This first approach was a failure. I was unable to get rid of my ego entirely in one go; there were too many external factors which were out of my control and pulled me back into reality. This stretching of my self was an undeniably painful experience. I began to reconsider my plan and decided to try a subtler and more methodical approach: I would “disassemble” my self piece by piece. That autopilot feature to help me move through life was already a part of my self, so I wanted to strip away everything else except for that and some other essentials.
As I had now identified two tools I would need for this procedure, I began of thinking of ways how I could invoke them. Exhaustion numbs the body and mind enough to let you pass through the day without feeling as much as you do normally. One of the obvious ways of feeling exhaustion is to exercise. You can run, you can punch your mattress, you can jump, etc. I tried many of these and they were okay. However, I was sure that a more efficient method of exhaustion existed, which combined the exhaustion with the element of influencing your belief.
To influence your belief, submission and repetition are required. Start small to change harmless parts of your life.
“I can not eat peas.”
“I can not eat peas.”
“I can not eat peas.”
Write why you can’t eat peas. Draw how peas are bad for you. Start small with something as silly as this. Think of other small things in your life which you can change like this.
Once you are comfortable with small things, move on to bigger aspects of your life. These would be difficult. For example,
“I can not eat dinner on weekdays.”
“I sleep on the ground every third day.”
“I can not talk to anyone after sundown.”
These are things which you’ll have to identify on your own. Repeat this stuff to yourself as much as you can.
It is possible to combine this with the element of exhaustion. Repeat your mantras and accompany them with some form of dance (it doesn’t have to be an actual dance, just any movement you can manage). These rituals are for a greater good. Don’t be afraid of being caught. There are always opportunities to do them in secret. These exist for your salvation. Repeat it to yourself. Tire yourself out. Hammer it into your soul. If you need support in this process, you can talk to me.
If you are able to accomplish these things, you’ll able to hollow yourself out and remove everything other than that autopilot mode. You can disassemble big chunks of your being. You can do it. Cleanse yourself.
If anyone would like any further guidance or would like to discuss this further personally, let me know and I can provide my email or Discord.
Good luck.
I’m angry with my mother because I recently discovered that she violated my privacy very badly, which she had no right to do. I’ve been on the fence about confronting her for days now, but I just haven’t gained the courage to do so. I thought today was gonna be the day, but when I had the chance I froze up and was filled with anxiety, so I stayed silent. I don’t know if I could handle the tension of living here after confronting her because the soonest I could possibly move out is several months away. I’m frustrated with myself because I want her to know exactly how I feel and that what she did wasn’t okay.
I just want to know to compare with my own perspective, have you passed through a traumatic event to it to begin? or did it just crawl little by little on your mind? did you feel like this when you were a child?
Just to make me clear, i don’t want you to feel bad about this, if you don’t feel secure to talk about it, please don’t.
For me, it begun when i was really little, about 5 to 6 years old. I remember just looking at the sky and wanting to disappear, i didn’t have the concept of death, I just had the urge to… leave. After I had the concept of death that everything just made sense on my mind, and it wasn’t any traumatic event, it just begun, slowly, and it was there, and since then everything is grey.
Don’t use smiling as a coping mechanism.
I have grown to hate my smile. Back in middle school, i tried to cope with the depression attacks by smiling. Because, having a flash of inspiration, I thought i’d be able to get through it if i smiled. Because you smile when you’re happy, right? Idiotic thought, really. As befitting of a naive middle schooler. I never considered how creepy it’d be until after it became a habit.
I started to smile whenever i was hurting, whenever i cried and whenever it became unbearable. Memories of me smiling became the scariest and most unsettling nightmares for me.
I really hate smiling now. But i do it everyday. Because constantly having suicide thoughts doesnt help, apparently. I’m scared to smile when i’m truly enjoying things.
i dunno what to name this, you don’t have to read. just something i wrote…
They tell you “you’re not alone”
but why am i staring at my dry ass phone?
sitting here wishing this house was a home.
room full of people but my mind takes over and i feel by myself.
they tell you “you should reach out for help”
but opening up I pour to much and drowned everyone that wants to care.
then you hear other people’s problems talking about how their life isn’t fair.
when your life’s been a battle since your very first breath.
every day in your head, thinking about death.
try to appreciate the little things, isolate and collect yourself again,
maybe i just need a good friend?
maybe i need not to pretend
toxic relationship with myself i need to mend.
put on my mask, fake this laugh, have this conversation it’s only a hour and a half.
your life is summed up in just a couple lines, cause at the end of the session i tell them i’m fine. all i need is time, but in reality i’m paying the blind.
chin check, check my texts, figure out what’s next. live my life, on my grind, remind myself i still have time.
i have a daughter i can’t leave behind.
-Angelica
#PoemsByAngelica
Ever have these (VERY) rare days, where you’re actually all cheerful and think, today is gonna be a good day? Well, fuck that.
These days seem to always go wrong for me and people never believe me, when I tell them, that being positive just fucks up my life even more…
This day was unbearably chaotic and it’s not even lunchtime. I tried smiling and being social and brave but each step that went wrong, my smile just grew weary. I don’t know where to even put that negativity that brushed over this little happy day. I don’t know how to feel..
Mad, that my happiness got stolen?
Sad, because I can’t even do one thing right?
Or worried, that this sets me back way worse, than any regular day?
But I feel like I’m not realising the extend of that bullshit yet. Like my body was providing me with adrenaline, to deal with all that. It’s a really weird day and I want to laugh, until my insides hurt. But at the same time I want to punch a hole into a tree and scream my lungs out.
All the other days go by, with me burying it deep down. But today? Today is the day, it wants to bounce around, being noticed. I may not have any other conversation today, otherwise I might go crazy on them. And the amount of times that this happened isn’t even funny anymore.
I feel way too much and usually forget, that people can’t measure up to that extend. Even my happiness seems to irritate them. Then why even try pursuing that? Why be happy?
This is the first time I post something in the website. I was trying to explain why I’m sad but fuck it, I would need to write a whole book to even start. So I’m just gonna say how I feel. And even that is hard, because I always minimize my pain and I make myself look like I’m overreacting to everything. So I keep things to myself till I fucking blow up to the point that lately I can’t even go out with my friends to have drinks because in the end I end up fighting and yelling at them and feeling shitty the next day. Hating myself and pushing them away because I feel like a fucking burden. But at the same time hating them for not trying hard enough as I would try for them to be okay.
And today I feel like that, like I’m not worthy of anything. Of anyone. I’m even considering leaving my boyfriend, even though he is one of the few people that make me feel happy. But that’s the fucking problem, I feel so happy with him that I don’t think I deserve him and I know he will eventually get tired of me and I don’t want to make him go through all of my breakdowns.
I fantasize with death often, but I make an effort to think that maybe things will get better eventually. But lately I find less reasons to stay here. I think it’s not worth it, just like me.
I don’t know where to start. Sometimes it’s just like why do I even bother. There are days when people say hey how are you feeling or you know hey how’s your day going? And it’s like what am I supposed to say that slowly dying on the inside that I’ve been secretly contemplating suicide lately? That I don’t even know how I get out of bed in the morning if it wasn’t for muscle memory I’m sure I would just lay there. Luckily for work I’ve been able to mask my feelings by putting on the facade. I can go and smile at people you know you know just the typical BS to get through the day. I try to focus on work and put everything out of my mind.
That does not work and ultimately I’m back in the same space. I hate myself up you know thinking about all the positive things that I’ve done lately and how much I’ve improved and it’s like yeah okay come on yeah we got this good day today good day today and it’ll be open till I hear from her. And it will be a good conversation you know and then I say alright love you she just replies okay bye and then all that all of that bravado all that confidence I had gone. Well on the plus side I have come to the conclusion that Tuesday is going to be a very very important day and knows not going to be no try to Suicide it’s just going to be a huge deciding factor and if I continue to pursue her or do I have to ultimately stop until then limbo
Ok so me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years and some change. I have not been the best boyfriend but I got myself together and made huge changes that I knew I needed to make. So last week I scroll through and see that she is in another relationship with another guy. I felt so much anger and sadness. It was a pain that I couldn’t describe but I wanted it to go away.
It hurts more because due to certain circumstances we were at her parents house and now its just me. She comes back and we cuddle and she says she loves me and I told her I’m going to fight for her. I know I led her on this path but it hurts when she leaves. It also hurts when its also Valentine’s Day season…….Idk. I have no one to talk to. I’m just lost.
I started cutting again. I stopped for a while but started again and it feels like it’s going to get worse. I’m so tired.
One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe. It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence? Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening. The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to. When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces. You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park. There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children. Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been? Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life? Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy. One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment. Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults. Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine. They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel. Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed. I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier. Continue to rest in peace.
The crazy fact is that I still cling on to life with the lowest amount of optimism I have left which is why I desire someone would murder me to make the process significantly easier.
In the past, I would have suicidal thoughts but they were manageable through the gym, talking to a mentor/girlfriend and minor successes in life. Now those coping mechanisms don’t even work, they just numb my thoughts for a short period of time and then reverts to a way which I would describe “A squirrel anxiously on cocain divining the bleak future”. The truth is I don’t want to die but neither do I want to exist, what keeps me going I guess is the waste of investment from my family put into me, the cost of a funeral and a strange optimism to have a family in the future…
If anyone can relate to this… my thoughts consist of self-hate, convincing my self that others dislike me, creeping loneliness thoughts and constant thoughts of doubts, failure and anxious moments.
I think I will go through another 48 hours before I decide to do something.
In the midst of another outbreak of depression, I found this website through the magical wonder that is Google Chrome. Apparently, searching terms idly such as, “can i just die” and, “does my life matter” actually aren’t completely useless. Let’s start with some basics. My name is Adam. I am 15 years old as of writing this. My mother passed away due to complications regarding lung cancer about a year and a half ago, leaving my already dysfunctional family fractured in an injury that seems beyond healing. I struggle with severe social anxiety, which I believe to contribute a great deal to my depression. Anyways, here I am, ready to spill my heart and ideas out to a bunch of strangers around the world.
Writing this, I find my decision to even share this with anyone, much less people I don’t know on the internet, slightly odd. In thinking about that, I realize just how attention-starved I must be. After all, the only people in my life that seem to even remotely understand the position I’m in are the people who are paid to do so. Man, that’s a depressing thought. My father works all day, my brothers are in a constant state of distraction to avoid their problems, and my peers are too busy beating themselves up about having A-’s in one class. (I live in a predominantly wealthy Asian town in the Bay Area) In that case, writing this doesn’t feel too stupid. After all, you and I share something no? A bond over suffering, pain, and perhaps some trauma. With that in mind, I don’t wish for practical and literal things from people anymore. All I ask is for people to take the time to understand me, in which I am always left short. Maybe that’s why I’m here.
In my opinion, when viewed from a completely “rational” point of view, life is simply not worth living. It is my belief that even your average Joe will suffer far more than he experiences positivity and pleasure. From a mathematical perspective, negatives cancel out positives. If the end result is negative, then why live? Depression may seem like a corner that you’re trapped in, unable to experience happiness and positivity because there is none right?! Well I disagree with that. Depression distorts your perspective, making you interpret even the positive things as negative. If I were to grow older and survive the violence that I perceive to be adulthood, my goal would be to find a way to live with the ludicrousness that is society. This is in stark contrast to what I believe most people do; throw a bunch of shit on top of the wounds and hope they heal, or stay underneath all that shit so that that they don’t even realize the wound exists.
When searching random shit on Google for the 800th time, I happened upon an article attempting to reach out to people actively considering suicide. Out of curiosity, I read the article. One of it’s most facinating arguments was the idea that, “People consider suicide for relief from pain. Relief is a feeling, one you have to be alive to experience.” Have you ever told yourself or a trusted individual that, “I want to die, but I don’t want to kill myself.” That reality is one that keeps me alive everyday, somehow. Now is that my body biologically telling my brain that it wants to live, or is it something greater? I believe the latter. If you’re reading this, think about it. No matter where you are, what you’ve done, or how you feel, there has to be a future with a positive outcome right? For me at least, I’ve come to realize that I’m not as screwed in life as I would believe I was. Though I am far into a dark tunnel, the faint hints of light at the end begin to shine through in some of my better moments during each day. However, that alone won’t ease my mind. When everyday contains a similar struggle, seeing point B from point A won’t help you get to B. There are still many days between me and that moment.
With that in mind, I frequently ask myself, “Why?” Why should I keep fighting this war that I didn’t start? Why should I persevere? That is what drives the idea that suicide is even a remotely plausible option. Why continue? When life is pain, why keep going? For me, I’m still here because the idea of a light at the end of a tunnel, though not necessarily confirmed to exist, entices me to continue living. To cling on to life.
If you’re still here, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to hear what I have to say.
Adam
I was talking to my friend today about this and he said that yea I have been an asshole lately and he knows that’s not who I am but everyday I have to try harder and harder not to do something offensive or be an absolute dickhead. I don’t know why I used to always think of myself as the nice guy but for some reason I can’t help it.
That pain you’re feeling is real and valid. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. No one has to earn any sort of “right” to feel how they feel. And, no one has the right to tell you what you feel is wrong, or that you should hide your tears. Every day, is a fight to live. It takes a great deal of strength to feel. I won’t be shamed into behaving as if everything is okay, as if I am not breaking.
I think it’s time I shed my skin
after 5 years
of no contact
or rather
a very little contact
I had with her.
I remember the early days
staying underground
under the Silent Hill
pondering
How in hell could that been
such an easy goodbye
after countless nights
of being together.
I knew about her predators
living outside
and I was worried
like.. really worried.
I remember the very beginning
the hardships
of making through to the next night.
And then the next one..
And the next..
At the time
She was my only friend.
I had to protect her by any means.
We argued sometimes
Not as much as we did at the latter times
but still..
She’s a hot head
And would say words
than after she would come back again
after a cool down
with an apology
like the last time.
Although her wit was beyond her age
there is another thing I liked most
was her never ending buzz
every night
squeaky but yet
one of the kind.
I swear I could live with it
my whole life.
Now that I’ve come this far
I’ve realized that
all she told me is just a story
her squeaky voice is a memory
promises are not going to be kept
and I will be just someone
she once knew.
I should do something about it.
But I don’t know exactly what.
I’ll do what I can do.
Then all that what is left over
is
join my billions or gazillions
of my kind.
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