The last time I posted on here was back in 2018.. Since then so much has changed. I was in a shitty relationship for 2 years that went to shit, I graduated high school which I thought I never would and I made it past 18 years. I went through hell during the last two years of high school would be an understatement but I am past that now and do not want to relive it. I stopped counting how long I am clean of cutting for and would not be able to give you an estimate. I do rely on other coping mechanisms that […]
Every day I think about ways to stop this overwhelming pain and sadness. I can’t be bothered anymore. I feel that I can’t leave because I have my son to look after and he has already suffered tremendous loss. I can’t focus. I’m going to lose my job if I don’t return. I find no joy in anything. I only want to lie around and sleep or watch TV. I am a worthless nothing piece of crap. The love of my life blindsided me and left – no contact. Just cheated and left after eight years. I’ve struggled with my mental health for years and […]
As of this writing, I’m 53 years old. My health is suspect, although I do the things for myself I need to in order to stave off utter decrepitude. I’m single…well, never married. Never relationshipped, to be perfectly honest, not even that of the overnight variety. I have lived, lost…no, not lost. Generally, I’ve driven others away as a consequence of erratic emotional stability. For 10+ years, until last year in fact, I was the full-time, live-in caregiver for my parents. This ceased last year, on July 17, when my mother succumbed to triple hit diffuse large B-cell lymphoma, with spinal cord involvement. By that […]
My life is like climbing a steep hill and mountain, sometimes I feel on top of everything but the next is that I slipped and fall into my grace.
I don’t know why everything I do turns to south, or why do I even bother to live a supposed purpose to this world. Calling for help is no easy task or even ignored and belittled by many people that surrounds you.
Laughed for being too dumb or stupid.
Being the dunce of the class and not academically smart enough to be the rest of them or being bullied at school for […]
Lately i’m not sure how i’m feeling, whether it’s really high, highs or really low, lows. I keep getting confused by the highs and think oh i’m getting better and then being proved wrong by the lows. I’ve dealt with a lot of past trauma, that being a lot of sexual abuse by people who i trusted and thought were there to protect me but realizing that i shouldn’t been protected by them instead was the hard part. I can’t remember when the sexual abuse started and i can’t remember who the first person was. I remember most people who have done it, my uncle, […]
Happiness or pleasure is like any other addictive substance..
It gives you a high and then when you don’t have it you can’t live without it.. Now all you want is a little bit more of it..
Then you promise yourself that you will stay happy no matter what… Whatever may happen the worst of the worst but you still believe that someday everything will be perfect as you have always wanted and prayed for…
And that day hopefully you can feel something inside of you… Don’t know what it is but all I hope is it’s not happiness.. The illusion of happiness
I can’t drink anymore because of what it does to my body but I need something to stop feeling. I have other coping mechanisms but nothing numbs everything like alcohol does. When I was younger I always thought I’d end up as an alcoholic or a drug addict. This reality is too hard to stomach on its own. My meds help but not with depression.
Wtf do I do without alcohol?
It’s not that I don’t want to do things, I really do. But I have absolutely no passion or positive drive to do them, or to even make myself happy. I want to consume substances, anything that will cloud my mind long enough so that I have at least a few hours outside of reality so that I can keep rolling on.
I just look at myself and see nothing while everyone else does what they love without a second thought.
Even though I am trying to not abuse alcohol or drugs, I find myself day dreaming or binging Youtube instead. I don’t want to be sober, […]
i want to live in my head, it’s just so. so. so. comfortable there. it’s like a treehouse with sunshine through the leaves and birds singing and a stream and frogs and flying squirrels and everything is so nice. it’s like the childhood i’d always dreamed of when i was a kid. i want to stay there forever. i’m so tired. i’m so in pain all the time. my body always hurts and there’s so many decisions to make and things to do and i have to keep my room clean and i feel like puking. My head has so much that doesn’t exist and […]
I planned to end it a couple years ago when I was in high school , but now i’ve graduated from college and started University. Everyday, at the back of my head, I struggle to imagine a future for myself because I feel like i’m way below average and I won’t be able to make it in the working world. I choke on my words when talking to anyone I’m not close with and I feel like a social failure. My thoughts of ending it were harsher than they were now but I still dream of dying everyday.
My life is actually not bad but I […]
I guess it is my escapist nature. Fantasies of disappearing involve places far away. A ship to Antarctica. A field in Montana. A Tibetan prayer tent in the Himalayas. I dream of being far away, and ending there. No one I know can see me, or stop me.
There is no enjoyment now. Disappearing into the vast made up world of media, lying in bed recovering from the physical pain of living, and the psychological pain of those whose time is dying. Why not me? No one suspects. No one would guess. The places I go. So low so low. I want not to exist. Really. […]
I just wish my mom would try to understand my emotional pain. I wish she would support me emotionally. I wish she would tell me she loves me. I wish she wouldn’t put me down. I wish she wouldn’t judge me. I wish she could see the hurt she causes me. I wish I could hate her. I wish and wish and wish for the impossible when it comes to her. I know full well she isn’t the type of person I wish she could be. I know she doesn’t do it on purpose, it’s more like she’s blunt and doesn’t have a filter when […]
I’m in a relationship with an ex of mine and i’m really happy, im smoking less, getting stuff done and having my own life while with this girl and she has hers, it seems to work. I feel the happiest I have in a very long time yet my anxiety is the worst it has ever been. Every time she tells me about her life and there is someone else she was into in the story i feel so insecure. I know it’s normal to talk about past relationships, it just hurts. And i know i’m an asshole for feeling that way and i don’t […]
“Tonight, I’m calling all astronauts, all the lonely people that the world forgot. If you hear my voice, come pick me up. Are you out there cause your all I’ve got”
The lyrics of this song describes how I feel. I feel that I’m not welcome in this world. I don’t understand why people need to be harsh. I’ve been visiting this site for years since 2013 especially everytime my mind betrays me but it is only now that I’ve decided to write my heart out.
I would like to connect with my fellow astronauts. Greetings, my fellow astronauts.
I was procrastinating on my homework when I came across this website. I’m writing this all off the top of my head so just stand by. So I read so many peoples stories on here and noticed one thing, everyone on here is going through the SAME THING. I myself often have bad mental health and breakdowns, but you know what? nobody is perfect. AND DON’T SKIP, I know everyone uses this as a pity sentence but just spend a minute of your life reading this because you need to open your eyes. Think to yourself, do you think there is a single […]
Maybe, it is me who is my own culprit, it is my fault that I did not act the way I was supposed to in order to survive in this cruel world. Maybe, everything that is bothering me is just an illusion, it is a noise coming from my mind that is making me feel worthless, reminding me constantly of all my flaws and insecurities. Maybe, I wronged myself by having expectations on others, hoping they would understand me, hoping that they will turn out the way I want , hoping they will bring happiness and well-being in my life. Maybe, I should have learned […]
Was going through my email and found an old email from this website. Holy hell it’s been years. Things got better and things got worse. The sad thing is the feeling of wanting to kill myself never left. But I have decided to live for those around me. Those who enjoy seeing me and my time. But i know when I get home I always make my peace with leaving them. I always know they’ll be okay when I’m gone. I’m not that important to anyone. I stopped being important long ago. I used to be sad my ex girlfriend left me and cheated on […]
It’s tangerine season
That’s just what echoes in my head. People/parents/friends/former didn’t left and that was the saddest part . Remember the day when I used to have panic attack and my parents dragged me to get on my ass. My mom exactly knew when I would shout back and thanks her for conferencing with all my family members(uncle/aunt/grandmother) and just waiting for the moment to trigger me to shout back and say them to leave me alone. Nice team you got with all your saddist/narcissistic friends. Been a looser/pathetic. My soulmate left. Just murmers inside my head. I am left with no purpose atleast I want to […]
I’m feeling sad because I’m ugly, I’m dumb, I’m schizophrenic and I’ll most likely never find a partner. I feel so unfortunate and feel the need to really work in myself in other aspects because that’ll never happen. But I want it to happen. Any relationship I’ve ever been in had gone to shit for one reason or another. And I’m just so dumb and lazy that I’m not sure if I should get into a relationship. Yesterday I managed to upset a guy I was talking to. That made me realize how dumb I am. I just don’t think properly. But it’s ok. Maybe […]
Newer Posts