I’m new to this site. My name is Hannah. I’m a severe self-harmer. I cut, burn, hit, anything to feel pain. I’ve been hospitalized 3 times because of it. I’ve also been hospalized for Bulimia Nevosa, which I’ve been suffering from for 2 years. I have Bipolar-depression, GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), acrophobia, and PTSD. I’ve been having a hard time lately. Schools ou, which means nothing can distract me from my life. My addictions. My “drugs”. It seems like everything is spinning out of control. Emotions turning left and right and left again. I’m keeping secret after secret after secret. I’m lying about everything. My emotions. My problems. Meyself. Everything. I feel like I’m throwing my life down the toilet, litterally. But the issue is, I don’t care. I don’t care anymore. You know, I’m getting thinner and thinner by the day. My hairs falling out. I’m always dizzy. My esophagus is messed up like hell. My cheeks are puffy. And I don’t care about any of it. I just wanna go to sleep. Just lie down and sleep and never wake up. I don’t want to die, though I think that be nice at this point. I’m not suicidal. I’m just……………..I’ve just given up. On everything. Nothings enough anymore. I loose 5 pounds a week, purging and binging and purging and sleeping and crying and passing out and lying and keeping the secrets. I’ve got lots of them. I’m not going to tell you my past………….but lets just say it was filled with rape, abuse, drugs, alochol, death, and pain. Lots and lots of pain. I’m 14 years old, you’d think this wasn’t happening. I wish it wasn’t. I hate what I’m doing to my body. And yet…………………….I cannot stop. And. I don’t want to stop. You know how, sometimes, you come to realize how bad what your doing is? Well, I’ve been thinking about that. I’ve been straight out lying to my family, friends (what ones I have), and myself. I’ve been keeping secrets. Some people know but don’t believe………..and some no one knows. I’ve been taking 2 to 3 showers a day so that way my aunt thinks I’m takinga shower when in reality I’m binging and purging (she knows about my ED, but she thinks I’m over it). I’ve been sleeping a lot more than I should. I’ve been stealing food. I’ve been straling laxitives to loose weight. I’ve been getting up in the middle in the night to cut. I’ve just been………………….I haven’t been myself. I feel like my problems are changing me when I’m supposed to be changing them. Almost like mind over matter. I don’t know what else to say. I’M………………..JUST…………………………….SO…………………………….TIRED.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcfEVfmjkqI
5 comments
Hannah….
I wish I could come to where ever you are and give you a great big hug and never let you go. It sounds to me like life has been very, very, rough on you. Hearing parts of your story makes me never want to complain again, but to say you got out of all of it spot free is obviously an understatement. I don’t think there is anything that I, or anyone here can tell you that is going to magically fix everything. I know you don’t want to hear it, but your best bet, if you want to be alive by this time next year, is to seek help. You need to tell someone who can help you all these things. Much of this isn’t in your control, and that leaves you feeling helpless, but some of these things are sicknesses, that CAN be fixed, and that you CAN heal from. I have suffered from some of what you mentioned, but not all of it, and I am sure the task is tumultuous, but the road paved before you, that got you here wasn’t easy, and neither will be the road that gets you out. I do hope that you get help, and that you do get better. I know that when you’ve been through so much, life seems pointless, but that very life, is such a precarious thing. Overcome all the darkness, and i am sure there is light to be found. Nothing is never one hundred percent perfect, and likewise, it is never one hundred percent bad, which means there is hope somewhere to be found, and i do hope you find it. Please try, Hannah, like you said, you are JUST 14!! Life seems to have gone to the toilet very quickly for you, but you have plenty of time to pull it out, and wash it off again. I am not saying that it will be easy (I dated a girl once who suffered from eating disorders), it won’t be. But I AM saying that you CAN DO IT. Just remember, that withering away, is always the easier choice. Dying is easy, living isn’t. You’re here, on this site, so clearly you know that you don’t WANT to die, so that is the first step. Keep going in that direction, and I know that eventually, you’ll be alright. I hope I have helped you on some level. Best of luck to you, I wish you strength for the tough times ahead, and i commend you for the times you have already been through. You’re one tough kid.
Vincent.
You did all this to yourself, one extreme, there’s no reason you can’t reverse everything and go to the other extreme. You’re young. I know it sounds like hooey now, but being in your youth gives you license to do whatever it is what you want to do, whatever that is, your current condition or the flip side.
Hannah,
I am so extremely sorry about everything that’s happened to you.. you’ve had a very very harsh life, and you don’t deserve it. I wish I could just fix it all so you could be happy, but unfortunately I can’t.
You said that it’s summer so school can’t be a distraction. Is there anything you could try to distract yourself now? Like a hobby or an instrument… it sounds lame, but it really works! Maybe a sport or something you really enjoy doing.
I think it would be so amazing if you could start writing. I’m not sure if you keep a journal, or even enjoy writing, but I think it could help you. Maybe you could write down all your secrets and feelings, and then either keep them or burn them or throw them away.
There are two things that helped me when I was depressed an suicidal. One was writing, but not only journaling. I began to write letters to my friends. I of course didnt want the letters to be depressing, so I talked about funny things that had happened that day or cute guys I had seen.. things like that. And it caused me to be optimistic, which helped me without me realizing.
The second thing is I began helping others. It sounds stupid, but if you focus on other people, it can really help. I began to listen to friends, ask them what was going on with them, help seniors carry things and all those little things. I began feeling better about myself, and I wasn’t as depressed. You can try those things if you want and see if they help. There’s nothing to lose, right?
Is there anyone you could talk to? My school counselor is amazing and she got me through so much! I email her now and she’s really helped me. Or maybe you could get a therapist? Talk to someone about it? Think about it, you could really benefit and turn your life around. It’s okay to ask for help sometimes. I know you realize that because you’re on this site, but you can also go to the people around you. You might be surprised.
I have never had any eating disorders, so I can’t say I know what you’re going through. I have, however, self-injured for a long time. Guitar, writing, and helping my friends got me through it. I know it’s not easy to quit anything, especially EDs and SI but you can do it! I know you can!
I wish you all the best! And know that you can always come to this site, or yahoo answers, or call 1800SUICIDE anytime if you need to, or if you just want to talk. People will always be eager to help you!
i started 15 and think its sculpted every part of me and nothing sane left since like dec. 09 to now nov 10 ive been like 13 times to the mental places. since 18 ive been like 24 times its ok its like a place to go insane in peace. cutter and piercer since 15 16 started burning smoking 2-4 packs day and smoking pot huffing. 17 decided to start over eating and to hurt my teeth 18 to now been royaly fucked so yeah nice story
When burning, I like it when you hit that point (after the flame’s been on you so long) where your skin just starts bubbling &nd it looks like boiling water:)