I hate having to lie to everyone just so I won’t get sent away. It’s getting ridiculous and I’m tired of it. The anti depressant meds make me super suicidal but I can’t tell anyone that because if I feel suicidal then they think I’m going to do it so I have to go to mental hospitals and get locked up in a small room and be watched 24/7 so I don’t hurt myself. And I can’t stop taking the meds because my mom makes me take them each morning and watches me do it too.
I haven’t cut in a while and its getting really hard not to. I’m getting really weak in terms of fighting my urges to keep myself safe. It sucks that I can’t. My counselor checks every week to see if I cut or not and if I do I will get into sooo much shit.
Ugh I hate this. I really want to die. I day dream constantly of different ways I could commit suicide. I always have this same one a lot. It’s  like its night time and I wake up because I keep having dreams about doing it so I get out of bed and go into the shed and grab a long extension cord and throw it over a tree branch and hang myself there….right in the front yard by the road. It feels so perfect whenever I think about it. It’s weird, but I love it. It’s the only think that keeps me going during the day, is thinking about ways that I could end my life. Sometimes it’s really peaceful.
I hate the way I am though. I’m really short and think I’m ugly and everyone calls me fat. Everyone calls me crazy but I guess it fits me. No one will date me because I’m depressed all of the time and I mean who wants to deal with some sad pathetic girl all of the time. I hate dealing with myself all of the time. I don’t deserve to be with someone because I would just drag them down with me.
I’m a failure when it comes to anything I have to do with school. I’m a senior and failed a bunch of classes so I have to go back to school for another half year. I hate that fucking school. It’s just filled with drama and stupid bitches who can’t keep their mouths shut. I want to kill them all. I wanna get a machine gun and bring it into school and blow everyone’s brains out. That’s one thing in life that would make me smile a whole bunch. And then I would kill myself and it would be awesome and everyone would have known me as that psycho ***** that went absolutely crazy and killed a bunch of people and herself.  That would be the best ending to this life ever.
1 comment
I look back at high school and realize that it was just a dream. In life we want to feel accepted and loved, but for some reason in school there’re a bunch of kids who hate each other. You said that you’re short and fat, and no one would want to date you, because you’re always depressed. I know tons of guys, who don’t like skinny people, they like that someone has some weight. But I don’t think, it’s what your problem is. I think the problem is that you don’t have enough love for yourself. How can you love and accept love from others if you can’t love yourself? I know that there are many ways to learn how to love yourself, and I’m not talking about being self-centered, but have enough love for yourself to be able to look at yourself and say: “No matter what others think of me, I worth a lot.” Focus on what is good about yourself and others.