My Story

I have been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder, manic depressed, anxiety attacks, and panic attacks. i do not like to leave my house if i don’t have to. i have committed suicide 12 times, with no affect.    my father died Feb 97. we were close but not as close as people would think. his death has hit me hard and it still bothers me. i blame myself and i cannot “let it go” as people would per say. well, i can’t. I have been wanting to see my dad for all these years but to no avail. i was raped in my basement, by someone who i thought was a friend. he rammed his fist into me until i started bleeding. he said oh your bleeding and walked away. he had me pinned down so that i couldn’t move. my mother got really sick that she was in the hospital for 6 months. she had a blood clot that stopped at her left leg. they transferred her to another hospital, and is when the hell started. mom begged me not to leave her and i swore to her that i will be with her through this ordeal. they removed her left leg, thigh high. she was doing really good, then she got sicker and didn’t know why. the doctors found a tumor as big as a football. but between all of this my siblings, 2 sisters and 1 brother. i was the baby of the family or more like the mistake as i am now referred to now. my brother got mad at me because i had to sign the emergency agreement paper. if i didn’t mom would die. i called my brother and told him what was going on, he told me that if mom died on the table and he had to seen her in the morgue he was coming after me. i sat in the hallway crying and crying praying that mom would pull through, and she did. i was never so happy in my life. the doctors still said that mom could die. i sat bed side vigil. how this all started is i was helping mom to the bathroom and when he got to the door way she collapsed. my sisters blame me. i should have caught mom. i called my 2 sisters and they refused to come home and help. i called my brother who live in elma, Manitoba for help. he called his girlfriend to come and help me. she worked at Safeway and she left to help me get mom back into bed. i was very frustrated because my sisters didn’t seem to care about mom then. and when they told us that mom may pass on. when they heard that they sorted through her things, took what they wanted and thought the rest in the garbage. with all this happening i had to take my sisters and brothers abuse. they told me that i was longer welcomed at home. they brought some of  my things in a black garbage, and was told i wasn’t allowed to be at the house, except with their permission .they told me that i was the last one born and i should know my place.

I just recently found out that my Mother passed away on Dec.5/09, I was not told until 48 hrs after she passed away. I did not have the chance to say good bye to her. They removed her and cremated her. I never had the chance to see her for the last time in my life. my family never gave me the chance to come see the house for the last time or to help with the cleaning. my brother wanted me to email him because i wanted to talk to him about what was happening and to date he has not returned my emails and he will not answer my calls.

my eldest sister and i never ever got along. she pushed all the right buttons and i chased her with a knife. she was very lucky that she got out the gate or else i would have killed her, i wish i did.

i went to KLINIK and had some sessions i think it was 12, the lady that i saw told me she can’t see me anymore because she grew attached to me. with no referrals to someone else i was left on my own to try and figure my life. i figure if i can get a male counselor that they wouldn’t get attached to me.

my husband tries in his own little way. he tells me that there  should no reason me me to be depressed. he thinks that a snap of his fingers everything will be all right.

there are days that i am fine as fine could be. other days i sit and cry and he gets mad at me for crying, telling me that i am 37 years old and that there is no reason for me to be like this. i got information for him to read but he won’t. i also suffer from migraines and just recently, high blood pressure.

i over heat where i have to have a fan on me all the time. even in winter i am hot. i am on disability and don’t have money to pay for counseling, so i am trying to find my own counselor (male)