Nothing has changed since last night. Accept the fact that I’d cut myself last night. 50 on my right arm and 20 on my left. Some of them small. Others inches long. Some deep. Others just little pink lines. Some hurt, some don’t. Although, my arms look terrible. But, not like I care or anything. I’ve been listening to music or reading all day. Which is my usual routine. I haven’t cried yet today, which is amazing, since I usually wake up crying from my nightterrors. Speaking of which, I didn’t have one last night. Weird. Since I usually have 2 or 3 a night, if I’m lucky. Hm……. Anywho, I got some knew razors yesterday. And before you ask, I got them from one of my shavor heads. And, no, my aunt doesn’t know. But, I highly doubt she’d be surprised. I mean, she’s known for………….how long? A year or so? IDK. Anyways, this is the first time I’ve cut in…………..3Â months? A record for me. Accept when I was in the mental hospital (AKA recovery center). I’ve been in there 4 times:
1: November 23 – December 10, 2009
2: December 16 – December 24, 2009
3: Feburary 10 – March 28, 2010
4: April 26 – May 20, 2010
Interesting, huh? I was in there for depression, Bipolar, anxiety, severe self-harm, and Bulimia Nevosa Ya, most of my family has been in mental hospitals, well, at least my mother did. She was a drug addict. My siblings and I went through a custody battle for…………………9 years? Anyways, one day she over dosed on pain killers to get rid of the pain in her infected tooth. Her best friend found her 6 hours later – dead. Ya, it was sudden. I cried for weeks, as most 11 years olds would do. Well, 12 actually. She died a week before my 12th birthday. Worst brithday ever. Anyways, I blame myself for her death. I mean. What if I’d asked my aunt to check on her before she went off to work? Why didn’t i stop her? Why didn’t I make the doctors put her in the hospital before her over dose? Why didn’t I stop her addiction completely? It’s all my fault. Then, about 2 months later my grandmother got breast cancer. She almost died. But she’s okay now. Then on June 1, 2008 I was raped by one of my many (15) cousins. I’m not going to go into details. So, you get the point. I feel thats my fault too. I mean, why didn’t I scream? Why didn’t I fight back hard enough? Why didn’t a say “no” more? Why did he do it? Why didn’t I go down stairs and tell my aunt? Why? Why? Why?. I’m going into my whole life story. So thats it for today. But below here, thats how I feel and what my life is like:
“How do you know I am hurting, if you cannot see my pain. To wear it on my body, tells what words cannot explain.”
“All the hate and all the pain. All the loss but wheres the gain? All the lies and all the fright. Don’t worry darling, it all ends tonight.”
“We have your daughter. We wil force her to throw up after every meal she eats. It’s only going to get worse – Bulimia”
“Death is easy, life is harder”
“I’m sick of crying, tired of trying, ya I’m smiling, but inside I’m dying”
“She reaches for the razor, so smooth and so keen. Her screams are unheard, but these scars will be seen.”
I wrote you a poem on my wrists. I used a razor as a pen and wrote my name in blood. But you didn’t read it.’
1 comment
Your life seems very sad, but it’s also the perfect opportunity for you to learn self respect, to learn to draw inner strength from yourself. It’s hard to learn how to be strong, but we choose these lives to learn these important lessons.
We only choose those from our soul group before we incarnate to hurt us, the ones that absolutely love us the most, in order to learn our spiritual lessons. Only in that way is there joy at the highest level.