I am 15, and i know you’ll probably think this is some teenage tiff but just cause I’m 15 doesn’t mean that the feelings aren’t real.
My mum and dad were never together but my mum did marry a man who decided to adopt me and became like my second dad but in 2006 they got divorced and my 2nd dad met another woman and had a child, and well basically when I’m at my mum’s and when I’m at my dad’s I’m just a ghost in the background, I’ve went through my life without a real father figure, to be honest all I’ve learned from my two dads is to bottle up my anger inside so i guess you could say I’m filled with anger but it doesn’t feel like anger more hatred, hatred for myself for not being able to cope with my life. I’ve held the knife the my throat before but couldn’t do it so hatred for not having the guts end my life.
I’ve felt suicidal for about a year now and every time I hold the knife in my hand and then put it back I have the same feeling of betrayal. Betrayal of myself for not finishing this endless suffering.
My new year resolution for 2010 was i would end this misery, now I know people say resolutions are made to broken but for once I am sure I will fulfill my resolution.
Death is among us and in everyone of us, I’m in a endless race with death at the finish line but somehow I feel I’m nearing the end of this race.
2 comments
I feel sad that you think you have to remind people that just because your 15- that your feelings are real… Of course they are real and they are yours!
Having a hard home life is so difficult- for the adults (I am an adult myself and a parent and I vow to make my childrens lives 100% better than I had) its hard because there is so much stress in bills, relationships, worrying about everything, etc- but all to often the adults don’t think about the long term effect on the kids. I can see how you feel like a ghost when with your dad. Especially when he started a new family. The positive in that though is you now have a sibling that will look up to you because you are their role model.
That is a huge responsibility- I know I am the oldest of 4- often was the main care taker of the younger ones- but its positive that you have someone who eventually will look to YOU for guidance!
I don’t want to downplay your feelings because everyone looks at the same situations with different eyes- but you are young and you have so much built up inside of you and so much to discover about who you will become and you can only have so much inside of you before you explode
You can’t overfill a waterballoon right? It would pop. Release some of the pressure inside of you- talk with someone who can give you an outsider point of view.
I think you have a lot of undeserved pressure and pain put on you that shouldn’t be there – so I say try and release it by talking with someone and see how you feel then – see if it feels a little more managable!
We are here to listen
Feeling like no one notices you, and like people will discount your emotions because your fifteen are curses, and probly not true. The truth is that you have the gift. This gift is no matter how badly you want to die something holds you back. Celebrate each failed attempt as a victory. Seek school counselors