I’m ready for a quick way to die. I’ve been looking for an easy way for the last 6 years.
I’m a month past 18 years old. I’ve been self harming in more than one way since I was 12. I’ve been emotionally abused from age 7 til now. I’m just.. hopeless. Stuck in this one spot, I haven’t moved in 3 years. There’s nothing special about me, I’m plain Jane. Lifeless Brown Hair, Blackly-Brown Eyes, nice teeth & full lips that are always forced into a fake smile. a fully scarred left arm, branded heart on the inverted ankle. I’ve been used my whole life and continue to be used. I feel nothing about it. I no longer feel anything when people ask for sexual favors. I know I should care but I just don’t anymore. I don’t belong anywhere and I certainly wont be missed today, tomorrow, next week, next month or years from now. That’s okay, because this is the week that ends it all. I just need a fool proof method, I’ve got the date and time already picked out. I think this is the first time I’ve ever been excited for anything.
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I will miss you. God will miss you. You WILL be missed. Don’t do it sweetie. Don’t give in to the weakness. Don’t let them win. The bastards who have used and abused you deserve to be punished. and they will. God will take care of that. YOU need to take care of yourself. If no one else will, then you need to take care of yourself. Be strong and take control of your life..your destiny. Stop the abuse and start caring about yourself. Don’t give in to the evil bastards and their evil intentions. God created you for a reason. we all go through shit in life, some more than others. I know that you are going through too much and that your life isn’t pretty. I know that life to you is empty, painful, horrible. i know that you feel abused, abandoned and all alone. I know sweetie… I’ve been there. But, the only thing that kept me strong is faith. GOD. Don’t roll your eyes… don’t dismiss this. Just think about it…. Have you really gone to HIM? Have you really asked and pleaded for his help? If you had, you would know that HE would never ever leave you. EVER. Believe me. so stop what you’re doing. stop the self mutilation. Stop the abuse and the sexual favors. stop all of this shit and take a deep breath. Look around you…. do you see ANY beauty at all? have you ever woken up so early in the morning and felt a cold breeze on your skin while watching the sun rise? Have you ever examined the unbelievable colors of flowers or the beauty of a smile? Look at the moon… look at the trees that have been there for hundreds of years. YOU ARE SO YOUNG.. but so old. Your soul is old sweetie…. Take a deep breath and KNOW that there is no full proof way for anything. When you leave, you will leave a void behind you… And you would have missed on the opportunity of fixing your life and beating the assholes who have taken advantage of you. You have a long road ahead of you…. it’s up to you to decide how that road will be… lit or dark? With flowers and trees or barren and empty? Start now… and let go of any ideas of giving up. Your are more courageous than that. Think about it and remember that today is the first day of the rest of your life… I love you..
I have God. I know he’d never leave me, I’m the one trying to leave. I have a lot to be thankful for in my life, but you can’t help the way you feel. You can only mask it for so long before it becomes this never ending thing that’s clawing it’s way out from underneath your skin. It’s hard to love yourself when you’ve never what love really feels like, and if you knew me, you’d see there’s nothing to really love. I’m no longer a person, I’m shell. I’m tired of fighting to live and trying to see the best in everything. it’s not in me anymore.
I’m a photographer on weekends, a singer & tenor sax playing during the week, it’s just not enough anymore. Just..not enough.
Ok whether this God is real or not, I’m just gonna propose to you one thing: change your setting. you’re eighteen, almost ready to go off to college or move out of your house. almost ready to change your setting. you’d be surprised what that can do; just wait a little bit. your emotions will come back, trust me. They’re starting to come back for me, too, and I didn’t think I’d care about anything anymore