things keep building up. little things. like homework and work that my boss gave me to take home. social gatherings that i said i would attend.
people like me. i am pretty. my parents pay my rent. i have lots of money. men like me. but i don’t like myself.
i am trying to be sober from drugs and alcohol. without anything to numb my brain, it feels broken. i just don’t want to do this anymore. i can’t cope. i wish there was a god so i wouldn’t feel so lonely.
deep inside i am just a lazy conceited selfish bratty little girl who usually gets what she wants.
i hate myself. i am trapped inside my ego and i can’t get out. i used to be a cutter when i was 12-16. at 20, now, i want to slice my body open but chose not to because i don’t want anyone to see the scars, and because i am a scared little wimp.
more than anything i want to take my roommate’s concerta so i can focus and get some of this goddamned work done. i am pathetic. so unmotivated. i can’t bring myself to more my ass off this couch in front of the computer screen.
i wish everything would end.
2 comments
I keep trying to think of the perfect words to say to you to let you know that I understand. But everything keeps coming out all wrong. All of my words get twisted and it just sounds patronizing or stupid instead of comforting and reassuring, like I’d hope.
I really hope it gets better for you.
thank you.