Something to live for..

Hey all. I’m not here to be a saint or savior, I just want to share my past dark moments and how I turned it around. Doing this is not to share my old story, but to give someone something to contemplate on? So here it goes, briefly. Being the youngest, I was pretty bratty and then somewhat a tomboy. I always showed myself as being strong and tough, that no one can hurt me or belittle me. I just kept it sealed shut inside of me. It was jr. high when I first thought of suicide. As my grades were dropping, my parents, being old fashioned, sent me to multiple academic after-schools. They pushed and pressured me so hard that it stressed me out as a young teen. I just couldn’t do it, I did not want to study and I kept putting my parents down. This actually lead to my depression and I wrote behind a clipboard of different ways for me to die with the least amount of pain. But, I now realize what a silly reason for me to end my life, right? My older sister is smart, obedient, beautiful. Which pretty much means my parents’ proud child. Me? I never had good grades, rowdy, and rebelled. Being young and bratty, I never asked myself why I had to behave like this. I just blamed my parents for everything, because it’s always easier to blame others than yourself. In high school, it was worse. I skipped school, and started doing drugs. Cigarettes, weed, ecstasy, then meth. Meth really messed me up. I tore myself away from any love, family or friends. The drug made my life dark, because I chose it to be. I didn’t realize what I was doing to myself. I did drugs because I didn’t care about myself, and as the effect took it’s downward toll on me, I still blamed my dark life on the world (family,friends,people). But slowly, I started doing less drugs, because I realized it was making me feel unbearably depressed and suicidal. Suicide would have been a selfish act, and I was tired of being so selfish. Then things looked less cloudy for me. I looked in the mirror and noticed my normal flesh colors were replenishing, that my rib bones were less noticeable, and that I was started to gain more appetite. I got kicked out of my high school due to countless amounts of skipping school and sent to a secondary school. This place was too easy for me. Never have I seen A’s in my report card. This kind of reward and experience made me feel more worthy, that I was actually better. I got awards there and teachers praised me. This is new, and I loved it. Of course the level of educational difficulty is black & white compared to my original high school, but it didn’t matter. This experience made everything worth it for me. Feeling a little more optimistic, I was more bright and cheery. But, crucially, what I realized was..I stopped asking what others should do for me. Like, “They aren’t my REAL friends. They aren’t there for me and they only really care for themselves.” Or “My parents love my sister more. They never supported me and just gave me so many scars.” Hey, in all honesty, we all look out for ourselves in the end, so instead of me accusing my friends for doing the same isn’t for me to judge and despise. Sometimes I can be there for them and sometimes I cannot. I sure hope they don’t hate me for that? And with my parents, yea, they did give me a lot of scars, but I was still sleeping under their roof, I didn’t starve, and I’m still under their roof. As much pain they gave me, I gave them just as much hurt. I was so selfish that it blinded me. I kept wanting and expecting so much when I wasn’t giving much in return. You think getting a parent’s unconditional love is always easy? You think having your “true” friends consistently care is easy? No. It’s reality and it’s no ones fault either. I had to EARN it, yes, even love. Although my parents deeply did love me, I had to also be a good daughter too. You gotta give a little to take a little. And you have to keep that faint glimmer of light and hope inside you at ALL times. No matter how many people look down on you, even your parents, don’t let the bullets stay inside you. No one else really knows nor understands you but yourself, and it’ll pretty much stay that way. So in that case, you know you’re a somebody who will be a somebody and only you can believe in that. Now, I have become more independent yet loving at the same time. I loosened my tough-hearted bars so that I can share my love and weakness also. I also found a great boyfriend and with a positive attitude, you can stumble onto some awesome treasures. I’m glad I didn’t finish myself off. Sometimes you just need more time to see what you are being blinded by. And sometimes you just need to wait longer to achieve what you have been looking for. I say “achieve” because YOU are in control. Bluntly said, don’t expect things from people (boyfriend, family, friends) because this WILL hurt you in the end, instead, you be the strength to show others. You share that love and care to others instead of wanting it. See what happens. Suicide thoughts of course still pass through my mind in really hard times, its normal, but I will never do it because I proved life that it was worth breathing. Even if not all my happiness lasted, I found a few, and I’m on my way of finding more. Chin up.