No More

jessicakoepp,
You said your father succeeded in his suicide attempt, I’ll assume you meant that he died.
By law, your father was illegal to hit your mom (and irrational and savagely too to such a degree) and of his suicide, and his irresponsible to his duty of taking care of you at least till you’re 18.
He was indeed guilty, but had already compensated (as if in jailed term) more than enough by his death.
But your saying your father selfish in suicide, you are indeed just seeing things in your own shoes, and unfair as being a child to your father.

You can say instead that your father was stupid and unfair to himself and to you by had chosen death, but please don’t accuse him selfish.
If he was selfish (or wise enough), he wouldn’t have died, he would have already left your mom to seek a better life.
Or if he was selfish, he would assure to have taken your mother’s life first.
But instead, he stayed, and couldn’t cope it on his own terms, and chose suicide to pay for his guilt.
And if he was selfish, he wouldn’t have taken the words of her daughter seriously of “how could you” in dumbfounded silence.
No devoted parents would bear to let their children see the cruelty of the world, especially the devilish act of their own father, it’d be an embarrassing unsettling guilt hurting like hell uproaring to let their beloved to withness that.

It’s really sad to feel of your hate of him so much. And that might have contributed a great part to your being here in this site.
I don’t think a devilish person would take a route like your father did by offing himself in those situations.
And if you can find a sense of his struggling in turmoil of love and his uncontrollably demonstrating it wrongly as in hate, and if you can so find an excuse too for yourself to forgive him, please do.
When you can’t forgive somebody, you have only room to hate, and you aren’t as well forgiving even yourself in heart.
It’s really not that necessary to create yourself a hell.

As well as you talked of owing, you owe yourself too a forgiving heart as your father has failed.
(and please forgive my assuming too)

shawty,
I can’t help your withering heart.
I can’t help but seeing you suffering in pain.

The two girls hand in hand made an appointment and past the end of line in Kingdom.
Their jobs of living they might see as filth, but to me their’s just a job.
Body to offer not necessarily be bound to soul being put forth to tender.
Only that moment had to occur and not merciful enough should have written 2 more of their names down to history.

And I’m always there as if the ones waiting behind the backstage but standing, meagre in ability but with anxiety in heart.
Just can only wait for that moment you shall return, and say “what a day !” and shall you sigh to see so many expectant eyes are there looking onto you in greeting your return.

May be you haven’t realized that, so many of us here are just like orphans.
Or like the drowners struggling afloat in the open sea to find if just a buoy to hold onto.
The hell we don’t want to sink under while the sun’s irradiating up there hailing us warmth.
While one can even grab a floating plank, we share, it’s just human nature of sincere heart !
Though Titanic was history, our eager hearts would still be there carrying on.