Death Trap…literally…

I have attempted suicide 6 times total…but the only one I can remember as being the most traumatic is time number 5. This one was the worst. I was raped when I was 13 years old by my cousin. I didn’t tell anyone until 4 years later. I kept it bottled up until it consumed me. I tried drugs and drinking first…then i moved to cutting (I still cut today…6 years later). then in my Junior year of high school i attempted suicide. and i meant it. i took a lot of pills and i do not remember how many…i didn’t even remember what i had taken. i do remember calling a friend and he called 911…i just wanted to tell him goodbye because he was the only person who actually cared (thats what i thought at the time). fire trucks and police and ambulance…it was awful i remember crying and screaming to let me go. it was humiliating. we got to the hospital and they told me i had to stay and wait for a shrink to come look at me…i slept thru most of the night…then he came in and talked to me…then told me he thought it was a good idea if i went to a impatient facility. i agreed. it was hell on earth for me. i remember being locked in what they called the “quiet room”…which was nothing but floor to ceiling concrete with a concrete slab  to lay on. on the walls were orange-ish stains from blood when kids tried to claw there way out. they put me in there because i was crying about missing home. it was about the size of a bathroom…it was sound proof so no one could hear you. no one came in to talk to you…i was in there for hours. finally shift change and someone realized i wasnt with the rest of the girls and came and found me. i have never forgotten it and i never will. i never wanted to die more then i did that day. im still trying to survive and not commit suicide…but it isnt easy…sometimes i wish i was dead then i would have to deal with all of this and everything else that goes on in life. i am 19 years old now…but im not happy im still around. but im going to keep fighting…you can only go up from here…right?

angelinquestion