Robert Downey Jr. my new obsession. my new distraction. I don’t like to think, ever. then the memories, they pour through those gaps that I opened, and it’s so hard to close them again.
I’ve spent hours on end, looking at Roberts youtube videos, looking up articles, biographys, watching his movies online. it’s only been three days now since I developed this ‘attraction’. but it hurts, when I’m trying to sleep, and all I think about is my laptop, and google. my escape. I’m argueing with my mom again because I don’t do anything but sit in my room, in the dark. because, he keeps me away from the razor. his funny little dances make me laugh. but it’s not healthy, I’m useing his image as a way to comfert myself. but what happened when the videos don’t make me smile anymore, when they don’t distract me anymore. everything will burst back into my life. reality will kill me.
I think, I’m obssessed with him, because he reminds me of the only person I’ve trusted, Robert an ex drug addict, they’re a ex drug addict, they’re both amazingly funny, they have the same, sarcastic sense of humor, and the rumors about Downey being bisexual just add to the similaritys.
I don’t think I can handle this. my distraction has become another thing for me to cry about, it’s driving me back. I’m slipping.
I know my mom ment well by getting me this personal laptop, but. it’s ruining me, I WANT to give it a virus, I want to break it. but…it’s like my lifeline. I know I’ll be happier without it, but I’m afraid to let it go.
I’m thinking about it. suicide I mean. This obsession has distracted me from, the rape, the arguements, the paranoia. actually no, I’ve been spending so much time inside, cut off. I’m agoraphobic again…yay.
I can’t be bothered. I’ve been battleing everything for over two years now. and, the happiness just isn’t worth it anymore. 6 months of pain, depression, self harm, paranoia, panic attacks, tears. for two weeks of mild happiness. it’s not worth it anymore. my obsession with RDJ should be teaching me to not give up, what with his battle with drugs and all. but…it doesn’t. why? I don’t know. maybe I’ve just given up.
I’ve even done the one thing I never thought I would do. she’s my shoulder to cry on, the one I couldn’t sleep without, the one I’d come home to, the only thing I’d come home to. my dog, I don’t play with her, I don’t teach her tricks, I don’t even care if she’s locked downstairs while I’m in my bed alone.
‘nothing makes me happy anymore.’
when you said that, Josh. I didn’t believe you, I couldn’t believe that someone could get that low. now I do. because I’m there.
maybe…maybe my time will come soon, maybe I’ll get hit by a car, or contract a fatal disease. I hope so. kinda of. I don’t know, I want happiness back. I want to live, I love life. but this isnt life. I’m already dead, and nobody cares. nobody notices. I always now when someone needs help, and I’m always there, but. why isn’t anyone here for me? I don’t want a knight in shining armour, I just want a friend.
8 comments
I know how you feel, I spend all day on my laptop and do nothing else…it’s not healthy.
I really wish I had asked for a camera instead. the only reason I wanted a laptop was so I could get itunes and download all of my favourite bands. but now I’m too busy reading articles on Iron Man to complete the sole reason I wanted this damn thing.
The laptop is good, you just need to make sure you get time away and not get too obsessed with things. If you suffer from agrophobia then you need to tackle that by going out bit by bit and start to socialize.
i relate to the part where you say ” i love life, i want to live but this isn’t life…” I understand how u feel.
At times i tell myself “no suicide is not the solution…people care for u and love u” but at others i look at my life and I’m like “despite all that love my life is still hard to bear…not worth it”… I hate feeling this way… I do not want to kill myself i know my parents and my siblings love me dearly…but at times my life is just too hard…i really do not want to do this… i will wait a few weeks to see how things are going before making my final decision…
Anyway..i relate to some parts of this article you wrote 3_bringitback.
this is why I hate the winter holidays tbh. no-ones out, and everyone has family over for christmas and newyears. so I’m stuck inside.
I’ll be getting out more once I get back to school. it’s only been a week now, so it could be easy to tackle.
I’ll be stearing clear of google and youtube fora while. they’ll just tempt me to look Robert up.
y’know. this site isn’t so bad :3 it’s alot better than sixbillionsecrets.com. there, you get judged for how ‘bad’ your 300 character post is. here, it’s alot less daunting.
@lala
I’m kind of glad someone feels the same.
please don’t. I know, it’s hard, and it’s even quite hypocritical of me to say this. but don’t give up.
*update*
tonight will be alright maybe. my mom and I had a scwabble, so she wants my laptop for the night.
I actually really like this site. after this little vent, I’m kind of smiley xD this is really good. this might just be what I need. somewhere to let everything out, and know that someones listened :3 I’ll be coming here from now on.
I’m going to go take a shower, for once I feel like taking a shower, and I bet you all know how hard personal hygiene can be when you’re in this state. thanks you two, and any others who read this after. this has really helped me tonight. <3
where we belong, by lostprophets.
all of you. listen to it. it’s not a song that could ever make you down.