distractions, so sweet, yet temporary

Robert Downey Jr. my new obsession. my new distraction. I don’t like to think, ever. then the memories, they pour through those gaps that I opened, and it’s so hard to close them again.

I’ve spent hours on end, looking at Roberts youtube videos, looking up articles, biographys, watching his movies online. it’s only been three days now since I developed this ‘attraction’. but it hurts, when I’m trying to sleep, and all I think about is my laptop, and google. my escape. I’m argueing with my mom again because I don’t do anything but sit in my room, in the dark. because, he keeps me away from the razor. his funny little dances make me laugh. but it’s not healthy, I’m useing his image as a way to comfert myself. but what happened when the videos don’t make me smile anymore, when they don’t distract me anymore. everything will burst back into my life. reality will kill me.

I think, I’m obssessed with him, because he reminds me of the only person I’ve trusted, Robert an ex drug addict, they’re a ex drug addict, they’re both amazingly funny, they have the same, sarcastic sense of humor, and the rumors about Downey being bisexual just add to the similaritys.

I don’t think I can handle this. my distraction has become another thing for me to cry about, it’s driving me back. I’m slipping.

I know my mom ment well by getting me this personal laptop, but. it’s ruining me, I WANT to give it a virus, I want to break it. but…it’s like my lifeline. I know I’ll be happier without it, but I’m afraid to let it go.

I’m thinking about it. suicide I mean. This obsession has distracted me from, the rape, the arguements, the paranoia. actually no, I’ve been spending so much time inside, cut off. I’m agoraphobic again…yay.

I can’t be bothered. I’ve been battleing everything for over two years now. and, the happiness just isn’t worth it anymore. 6 months of pain, depression, self harm, paranoia, panic attacks, tears. for two weeks of mild happiness. it’s not worth it anymore. my obsession with RDJ should be teaching me to not give up, what with his battle with drugs and all. but…it doesn’t. why? I don’t know. maybe I’ve just given up.

I’ve even done the one thing I never thought I would do. she’s my shoulder to cry on, the one I couldn’t sleep without, the one I’d come home to, the only thing I’d come home to. my dog, I don’t play with her, I don’t teach her tricks, I don’t even care if she’s locked downstairs while I’m in my bed alone.

‘nothing makes me happy anymore.’

when you said that, Josh. I didn’t believe you, I couldn’t believe that someone could get that low. now I do. because I’m there.

maybe…maybe my time will come soon, maybe I’ll get hit by a car, or contract a fatal disease. I hope so. kinda of. I don’t know, I want happiness back. I want to live, I love life. but this isnt life. I’m already dead, and nobody cares. nobody notices. I always now when someone needs help, and I’m always there, but. why isn’t anyone here for me? I don’t want a knight in shining armour, I just want a friend.