I’ve been lurking on this site for three years now. I know I made a username at one point, maybe posted once or twice, but that was so long ago that I can’t remember.
It doesn’t really matter, anyway.
I wish I were dead.
I’ve been drawing strange pictures in my calculus book lately. I drew a picture of a girl, hanging in a tree. By her neck. A friend saw it, suggested that I erase it. I said I would. I never did.
I drew a picture of the same girl drowning on another page.
Crying, on another page.
Words and phrases like “Fuck everything,” “Please kill me,” “I mean nothing,” “God is dead,” and “Nobody gives a shit” appear randomly throughout the book. I should erase it before I sell it next year, but I can’t now. I can’t yet.
I was admitted to MIT. It was the best feeling in the world.
I wasn’t even going to tell my parents. My dad doesn’t know the difference between MIT and a community college–he’s been in America for 20 years, but he’s still rather clueless.
My mom found out, anyway, though. I fucking hate her. I hate her so fucking much.
I was on the phone with a friend, laughing about it. It felt so good. It felt so fucking good.
She asked what happened.
I never talk to her much, but I was too excited. I didn’t think. “I got into MIT!”
Big mistake.
Her face contorted. “Well, it doesn’t fucking matter, because you’re not going there, anyway.”
I fucking hate her.
I did end up telling my dad. After explaining that it was the best engineering school in the country, he grew excited.
Then my mom talked to him.
I want to fucking kill myself.
I put so much effort into school, so much fucking effort, all for the sake of being able to get the fuck out of this house.
I fucking hate her. I want to fucking kill her.
I am so sick of feeling so trapped. Nothing matters. I have no fucking idea why I thought school would be my way out. It’s not. I’m still going to go to a shitty college in the middle of fucking nowhere with my mother breathing down my neck.
I hate her so fucking much. Oh my gosh. I just wish someone would kill me, everything hurts so much. I just feel so stuck.
I have no one to talk to. No one else would understand. You probably don’t understand.
I just want to fucking die.
10 comments
I am here to listen.. Open ears hun, please dont think no one undrerstands. Cuz even if i dont understand i know that someone in this world will. I prolly dont understand im 11.i dont know shit about college and all that junk. Anyway just cuz im really young doesnt mean im not gonna listen and try to help u just enough to keep u frum dying. Talk. I will listen.:)
I Know How You Feel Man
Please, please don’t hurt yourself. Please keep on living. I’ve always heard that its the darkest before the dawn, from the looks of it, you look like you’re stuck at midnight. So grab a flashlight, until the sun comes to light up everything 🙂 I’m not very good at helping people with this sort of thing. Words get stuck in my throat. But all I truly want is for you to live. Please don’t be sad. I want you to be happy again. Please, try and try again to be happy. Don’t give up.
hey i just want to say that i definitely understand how you feel about your mum. ive felt like that before, not so much now, but when we used to argue it got really bad and i either wanted me or her dead. i dont know if this makes you feel any better, but maybe you will feel slightly less alone. saying crap like ‘things will get better’ is not something i do because it never does (for me anyway) but i truly hope things improve for you, having a mother like that is painful and makes you feel horribly trapped.
@darkloner: u said that now u didn’t feel so much hate towards ur mom anymore…what did u do or say to her, that made u feel better?
To the OP: trust me,.u are not alone.
I’m also currently feeling like that..and yes, it feels so entrapping, while u know that Life is so much MORE out there than this ‘entrappment’ ! It made u feel depressed and worthless, easily!
That’s why I’m working on it..this gotta stop!!
My advice, go on to MIT, get out of that house and find peae for yourself. I am a mother so i probably should tell you something different, but i am proud of you and if you an get into MIT go and don’t let anyone hold you back.
@niki: well truthfully the situation is a little bit reversed now. Our fights were so bad and I had so much anger that I started fighting back real hard and we both hated it. When I was in hospital it brought us closer because I had no friends (still don’t) and my parents were the only thing i had in hospital, they’d come to visit me every day. mum and i have learnt to control our anger a bit better.
Thanks, everyone…
daddy008, they’re the ones that will pay my tuition, wherever I go. I can’t just get on a plane and go…I need money, too…otherwise, I swear to God I would go in a heartbeat.
darkloner, I’m glad things have somewhat improved between you and your mother. I guess that sort of makes things a little more hopeful over here.
Apply for financial aid. MIT will pay most of your tuition no matter the situation. Just fill out the paperwork.
I’m reading this 6 years after you wrote it hopefully you did it not mit but suicide I will be happy to visit your grave but if not I will find you and finish this gandolph told me to do it and now I will see you soon *****