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by indigo rain 2/27/2011

written by indigo rain 2/27/2011

if i inject an air bubble in my vain via a needle, won’t that kill me? i can get a needle because my mum is a diabetic, im not sure ill be able to do it because she’ll blame herself for leaving them out in the open where i could get them. i think my mum and sister suspect im cutting again. not good i won’t be able to cut on my arms anymore. 🙁

126 comments

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 2:02 am

No it wont kill you its a myth. If you want someone to talk to I’m here, pretty sure you mentioned something about deftones on my other post I am a big deftones fan just btw.

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 2:14 am

that was your post? sad to say i don’t really keep track of what i post. sure i guess we could talk now? deftones are the best or is it tool? i cant decide. lol. i bet lol isn’t typed a lot on this site. cite? i swear i cant spell.

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 2:23 am

I have a Tool tatoo 🙂 we have very similar tastes in music. Also I can’t spell to save my life but I think it’s site

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 2:26 am

lets stay on this post b/c i keep switching back and forth which takes a lot of clicking

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 2:27 am

their videos are so trippy. love them!

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 2:28 am

I just posted that on the other one lol. Also I recentky saw Tool and Deftones live on the same day at a music festival was amazing

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 2:30 am

So jealous! 🙂

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 2:39 am

have you ever seriously tried to kill yourself?

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 2:45 am

Haha it was a sweet day, got me some sweet tshirts too, tool and deftones of course. The crowd sung Aenima so loud it drowned out the p.a it was pouring with rain at the time made it better. I was completely crushed in a mosh pit that groups of people would fall over just because everyone was pushing so hard. I also lost a shoe and found it as people started to leave

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 2:49 am

I haven’t actually tried one night I wrote a note and left in my car without knowing if I was coming home. I ended up doing some other crazy stupid things but I made it home again

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 2:53 am

That sounds like a crazy fun time! i don’t really like crowds though. Glad you found your shoe!! i nver do anything interesting. school, home, homework, sleep, school, ect, ect

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 2:56 am

im happy you didn’t do it. i’ve only really tried once, took 16 tylenal, 16 advil, 16 aleive for a total of 48 pills. all it did was make me throw up whatever i ate for the next week. disgusting.

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 2:57 am

me or the throwing up part, im not sure

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 3:00 am

Nah pauls right im pretty sure thats a myth

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 3:08 am

I have developed a fear of crowds but it seems to be getting less in most circumstances but I still remember having to leave my dads birthday dinner because I felt like my head was going to explode, odd thing to happen in the space of maybe 6 weeks.

That was basicly a break from my boring life. I had been back to university for literally one day before the earthquake (Google Christchurch Earthquake) so now life just is just fucked up. Especially with the new drugs and seeing my parents go through hell. I just want to dissapear but I am still here

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 3:16 am

I hate crowds too i think i have a bit of social anxiety and anxiety in genral oh god what a curse!

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:19 am

ive got to go to bed. i might be on at around 10pm tomorrow

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 3:20 am

Nite! God the time difference is annoying im in Australia where you from?

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:21 am

that is weird i just checked back a second ago and like none of those comments were there. i think my computer si slow

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 3:22 am

Lol my comp does it aswell you have to keep refreshing the page for new comments to show up

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:22 am

Sorry about the earthquake. that’s got to suck.

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 3:23 am

Feel free to email me if you like anytime, paul_eats_pies@hotmail.com, goodnight

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 3:24 am

Feel free to email me if you like anytime, paul_eats_pies(at)hotmail(dot)com, goodnight

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:25 am

i live in the USA

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:26 am

i guess i could stay up a little later… it’s 3:30am here. what time is it there?

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 3:28 am

Of course theres like noone from Australia on here everyones on like the other side of the world! Paul i like you email thats cute lol!

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:28 am

paul eats pies. nice lol.

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 3:29 am

Here its only 9.30pm lol. Feel free to go to sleep I am going to soon anyway, I am going to try without a pill tonight so I doubt I’ll get much sleep anyway

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 3:30 am

Im in Australia- Adelaide and its 7:00pm here you should go to sleep its pretty late there but yeah its hard to get off this site its quite addictive its nice to talk to people who understand and that you can actually relate to

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:31 am

i usually stay up this late or later. it’s saturday so im fine to keep talking

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:32 am

i’ve never shared a lot of what i post to anyone, not even my therapist.

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 3:33 am

It really is nice to talk to people that actually understand life isn’t a fairytale.

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:34 am

good luck w/ the no pill thing. i had to stop taking my sleeping pill because i would remember what i did after i took it. i would just remember bits and pieces

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 3:35 am

Thats weird that you’s are a day behind its already sunday night here

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:37 am

it is very nice. the name of someone else on here: life sucks then you die. so true will sometimes it doesnt suck. the happy times seem so far away though

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 3:37 am

Its just easier to be open on here everyone here’s kinda the same and i guess cause your also hiding behind a computer screen in the comfort of your own home

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:38 am

the internet rocks!

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 3:38 am

Were the future down here lol. I also just found out my sleeping pills are pretty sought after by perscription drug users so I am considering selling them. As sleeping pills they aren’t great, they put me to sleep well but I wake up after about a few hours and cant get back to sleep

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:40 am

The future lol. do you guys have Doctor Who over there? Im a nerd. 🙂

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 3:41 am

I know i think i’d go mad without it! I asked for sleeping pills once and they bloody wouldnt give them to me they basically just told me to go home and relax. Bloody knobs!

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 3:42 am

Haha we sure do have doctor who. I love David Tennant I think hes genius.

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:43 am

lol! Knobs? i know i’ve heard it before but i don’t remember what it means.

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 3:44 am

Within 10 minutes of explaining how I feel, I had antidepressants and sleeping pills thrust on me. Makes you feel good about yourself really doesn’t it…

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 3:45 am

Lol i guess it means dicks or dickhead

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:47 am

i didn’t willfuly go into therapy. My parents found a noose in my closet. took me out of school though. 🙂 middle school was a living hell. don’t know why people didn’t like me. im a very nice and likeable person.

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 3:48 am

When i first got given antidepressants i left kinda feeling like a weirdo but then i thought oh well if i need them i need them what am i gonna do. Plus the majority of people take them anyway so who cares

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 3:51 am

Omg your parents found a noose in your closet shit bet that was weird. I hated school too couldnt wait to get outta there and you do sound like a nice person 🙂

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 3:56 am

How old are you indigo rain? and what about you paul?

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:56 am

yep it was pretty terrible. they took me out of class, study hall, took me home then straight to the nice lady who gave me “happy” drugs. lol. miss david tennant so much. nobody watches D.W over here 🙁

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 3:58 am

im 15 and if you haven’t guessed already im a girl. I think i have talked to you before the post was called KMN

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 3:59 am

Lol yeah thats what i call mine my “happy pills” I tried to hang myself a few months back but i was bloody terrified and the way i was trying to do it i knew it wasnt gonna work so i stopped

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 4:00 am

Theres alot of young ones on here im female and 23 years old. I dont remember sorry i spoken to so many different people its hard to remember everything

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:01 am

i was soooo scared too. Im kinda stupid for leaving it up 🙂 but i am pretty damn sure i would be dead right now if i had taken it down.

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:03 am

it’s cool, i didn’t remember posting on pauls

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 4:03 am

Sorry about that I’m back now, my internet was doing stupid things. I’ll be 20 next week

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:06 am

happy early b-day

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 4:07 am

Haha thanks 😛 it makes me feel very old

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:07 am

or not so happy…. depending on how you look at it

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 4:09 am

Its not a great time for a birthday with everything going on really. It was my mums birthday yesterday too

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:09 am

my comments always come after what you wrote back. then what write back it doen’t make sense anymore. i dont think i explained that right

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:11 am

i know it won’t come true if i tell you but, every b-day since my 13th (12th?) i have wished to die

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 4:12 am

Old lol! Im older then both of you i feel kinda old when theres like 11 and 12 year olds on here but then theres also older people like in their 30’s and 40’s i remember a man on here i think he said he was 60 so theres all types i feel bad for the really young ones 🙁

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 4:12 am

Yea it gets confusing when someone posts a comment while your writing one so the order gets mucked up. I just sorta try and work out what they were responding too and go from there

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:13 am

any person of any age can want to die i guess.

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 4:14 am

Happy Birthday for next week paul! I’ve always hated birthdays i turned 23 last november

life sucks thin u die 2/27/2011 - 4:16 am

Sorry y’all Paul can u email me back plz
I won’t both talks coversation again

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:16 am

not happy very belated b-day Crying

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 4:18 am

Lol thanks 🙂

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:19 am

Your welcome! 🙂

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:20 am

I found the refrsh button!

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 4:21 am

Ill email you now, I hope your ok. Sorry I didnt have my hotmail open so didnt get your email.

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 4:23 am

Lol i’ve noticed you have to keep pushing it for the new comments to appear kinda annoying

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:23 am

this is like the longest and most meaningful conversation i have had i a long time. kinda pathetic.

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:25 am

how can you tell that. i dont really know how to navagate the site.

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:26 am

nevermind

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:27 am

you didn’t mean me in particular

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 4:29 am

At least your having this conversation the platform isn’t really important. Most people don’t really have a place in their “real” lives to openly talk about being suicical for fear of being locked up. I just pus f5 every so often to resset the page

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:31 am

I guess that’s true

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:34 am

i missed a lot of middle school (would you call that secondary school or something like that?) so i feel like i have issues carrying on conversations. makes for some akward moments.

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 4:34 am

Sometimes complete strangers are the best company

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:35 am

definently 🙂

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 4:38 am

Its weird to think that complete strangers know me better then my own family i’ve told people on here things that i would never tell anyone else all i ever do lately is talk to suicidal people online which is probably really weird

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:41 am

it was weird at first but it was nice to finally get some things off my chest. I’d never really thought about it like that. My family knows me better you guys just know some of my deep dark secrets i keep locked away.

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 4:42 am

I know I’ll never throw anything back in your face or make you feel like a freak.

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:43 am

i promise i won’t either

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:44 am

i was worried about saying the wrong thing and then being the reason that person killed themselves.

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 4:47 am

Yeah i know what you mean my family know me and kinda know about my issues but they dont really know how bad it is i fake it pretty well and they have no idea that im suicidal i feel like i have this secret side to me cause like i look up suicide alot and always talk to suicidal people i’ve become kinda obsessed with it

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:48 am

my mum just walked in so i had to exit out quick. scared the shit outa me, thought she went to bed hours ago

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 4:49 am

I’m not that close to the edge something a stranger says that I will jump dw

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 4:49 am

Yeah sometimes i worry bout that too like yeah its nice to talk so openly but i would never wanna encourage anyone to kill themselfs or wanna make them feel worse cause im so depressing!

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:51 am

i must be pretty good at faking it too, i better be i’ve been doing it for years

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 4:52 am

Crying I know exactly what you mean, I hid it so well they had no idea how bad things were until they read that letter, I never ment for them to find it but I guess in some ways its good mum found it.

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:52 am

it’s weird that you want to die so badly but you don’t want anyone else to

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 4:54 am

I just dont want people knowing and worring and looking at me like im a weirdo and i deffinatly dont wanna end up in a mental hospital

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 4:55 am

I know, I always give everyone as much help in trying to finding a way to live but I see no way for myself to live

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:58 am

i almost chose to go in to i guess you would call it an inpatient facility i wanted to be better so badly, but im glad i didn’t it probably would have been awful

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 4:59 am

I remember when my mum picked up from school that day she had a small smile on her face that faded away a few seconds after she saw me. i didn’t see her smile for months after that.

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 4:59 am

I hated facing up to the fact my parents know how bad I felt, I wanted to run away bit I had to stay and face them and it tore me up to see how they felt because of me. The image of my mother cring into my shoulder saying “we failed you” will haunt me forever

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 5:03 am

i know my parents didn’t voice that but im sure that is what they were thinking when they found out. It is always the sad little details we remember.

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 5:03 am

I hear ya i know that feeling all to well i remember goin through really bad depression and i also had really bad anxiety and my mum wouldnt leave me alone she just doesnt get it and one day i had enough and just snapped i told her i wish she never had me and i hate being here and i really hope that one day im not. Her face just dropped and she ran to the bathroom crying i felt so bad i wish i could take that back 🙁

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 5:06 am

my mum did the same thing. i think she even stood outside the bathroom

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 5:07 am

we all have things we wish we hadn’t said or done

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 5:08 am

They just fell apart and I did too but I think they realise that it’s not there fault after the initial shock and taht I am trying to sort things out. For a few days after my dad just dint know how to cope and I saw him barely holding it together and it tore me apart, my mother talke to me more about how I feel, not indepth just are you ok with being on medication and ddi you sleep much last night. It’s really nice sometimes.

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 5:11 am

yea im the youngest of 4 and it was kind of nice to be the one to get the attention. This was after my 22 year old brother had a stroke and then started having seizures b/c of it

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 5:12 am

crazy awful health problems always happen to my family

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 5:13 am

Oh shit thats not good hope your brothers okay. Yeah im the baby too i have two older sisters

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 5:16 am

he’s mostly fine that was a couple years ago but he still has seizures very rarely. it’s not a bad as you are probably picturing it. i have 2 older sisters and an older brother

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 5:17 am

I’d love to keep talking but I am really exhausted. Its 5am where you are yet I’m the only wanting to go and sleep seems very backward

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 5:17 am

thanks for your concern

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 5:18 am

very backward indeed i was just going to say goodnight, but i want to talk to you guys again but it is hard to set up a time when our timezones are so different

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 5:19 am

Your welcome what times it there paul your from nz right?

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 5:20 am

Yea I am, Christchurch.
I think I left my email up in the comments somewhere and if I see any of your posts I’ll be sure to comment

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 5:22 am

Woops I should learn to read, its 11.20pm

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 5:22 am

Oh shit your right where the earthquake hit 🙁 Hopefully it doesnt happen again

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 5:22 am

Thats okay lol its 8:50pm here

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 5:23 am

what’s your email agian im not sure i want to go looking through out 110 comments.

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 5:25 am

paul_eats_pies(at)homail(dot)com to avoid waiting for moderation lol feel free to email me anytime

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 5:25 am

paul_eats_pies@hotmail.com?

indigo rain 2/27/2011 - 5:26 am

ok
ttyl

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 5:27 am

Are you’s both leaving 🙁 Okay bye

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 5:28 am

And yeah its going to take a long long for things to sort themselves out this time, 147 dead now and the expect over 200. Just the amount of damage is hard to understand. You see the city centre on the news but a lot of suburbs are just as bad

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 5:29 am

you got the email right btw

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 5:30 am

Yeah its always all over the news it looks really bad well im glad you and your family are alright

paul_1991 2/27/2011 - 5:31 am

Sorry to leave you blame the pills haha. talk later

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 5:35 am

Yeah i know they make ya heaps tired all i ever wanna do is sleep which i guess is okay cause when my depression and anxiety get bad i cant sleep and that really sucks so i guess its good that my “happy pills” knock me out lol! Night buddy

crying on the inside 2/27/2011 - 5:38 am

Not sure if your already gone indigo? But just wanted to say goodnight hope you sleep well

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