I don’t even know where to start. I hate the way I look and the mistakes I make. Basically everything about me. When I get embarrassed it’s not just no big deal just laugh it off, I remember every detail of how awful it was. I punish myself for it, even if it’s as small as stumbling over a word reading out loud in class, by scratching, cutting, or burning myself.
I hate being in crowds because that means a lot of people would have to bear to see my ugliness, which is embarrassing. Plus more people to see my embarrassing moments.
I’m the last of 4 children and that makes it hard to get attention. My brother had a stroke and started having seizures, my sister started getting intense migraines, and my other sister ended up having yeast in her throat. But does the healthy child get attention? NO. Both my sisters are really smart but I’m just average. I hate homework because I’m such a perfectionist, no answer I write will be good enough. I hate it when people, mostly teachers, don’t like me.
It’s pretty much a no brainer that I’ve tried to kill myself. The cutting first started out as a suicide attempt, but I was dumb and only just scratched my wrist. Then I realized the pain made me feel better, I could get my anger at the things happening in my life out. About a year after my best friend since kindergarten moved, and me and my friend after her had a bad fight is when I started to get suicidal. My only really major attempt was when I took 48 pain reliever pills. To my surprise all I did was throw up everything I ate for the next week. I’ve tried to hang myself but I got scared it wouldn’t work and my family would find out. Which they did eventually because guess what? I left the noose up in my closet! Now who got the attention? That is what I used to think I did it for but I realize now that is was my self loathing.
Everyone in my family tells me that they love me. They always have and always will. But I don’t deserve them in the slightest. All I do is exist. I imagine all these ways to kill myself but I add extra precautions so that I defiantly won’t survive. But that is where suicide will stay: in my fantasies because for some reason my family would fall apart if I did it. Physically and mentally.
So I guess I want to know is how do I stop hating myself and not be suicidal or hurt myself? Also how else can I get my anger out? No I’m not going to scream in my pillow.
So I guess I want to know is how do I learn to love myself and just to laugh off embarrassment? Also how can I get the anger I feel towards myself out without hurting myself?
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4 comments
How old are you? Have you spoken to anyone about all this maybe some therapy or meds could help you
i’m 15 (13 when i took the pills). After they foud the noose i was put on medication and started to see a therapist, but i didn’t tell her any of this. I don’t really trust anyone. The meds didn’t help. So i pertended to be better for my family. i know my mum worried about me a lot and still does. I still cut but not very often. I know this might alarm my mum but i’m thinking of going back to terapy because i want to feel better. I just don’t know how. I feel like i need to cut so it will take a lot of courage to tell my therapist. What about you? what’s your story?
If you think therapy could help you — and it very well could — I think it’s a good idea to go back. I might alarm you mom at first, you’re right, but I think it’s very likely that that’ll just be a first reaction, and she’ll be glad that you’re asking for help and trying to really make things better for yourself instead of hurting in silence and pretending everything’s okay.
It does take a lot of courage to talk about cutting with a therapist — it took me more than 10 years to admit it to the person I’m seeing now, and even these days I frame it like it’s more of a past issue than it really is. But if you can make yourself be honest about it, I think it’s a good idea. It does help to have even just one person you can trust. I kind of relate to back to cutting, actually. For me, at least, the first cut is always often hard to make, so I hesitate — and then once it’s done, it’s easier and easier to make more. With cutting, not a good thing, but I’ve come to believe that a lot of things in life are like that. So the first time you make yourself say it to a therapist will probably be the hardest, but every time you talk about it after will likely get a little easier.
Good luck to you, hon. I hope you find a way to learn to love yourself. Wanting to change things is such an important first step, and you’re clearly a strong person. I think you have a real chance to change your life for the better. The fact that you’re already trying says a lot.
Thanks triedtoolong for your comment. it meant a lot and made me feel more confident about talking about my cutting! : )