I’m tripping up again, messing everything up. I’m doing it on purpose, or at least that’s what it looks like to everybody else. Looks like I don’t care, like I don’t have any ambition, or motivation. The thing is, I don’t think I do. Sure, I could say my alcoholism is keeping me in this self-destructive rut, and it would be partly true. It’s definitely not helping to get drunk every single night, but honestly I think I just don’t give a fuck. I haven’t for a long time.
I have a plan, but I practically refuse to put it into action. I started GED classes, haven’t gone back in three week. Instead I’ve been home drinking from early afternoon until early morning. I don’t get much sleep, 4 hours tops, but I don’t really feel tired, just exhausted. I can’t sleep, but I don’t have the energy to do anything productive. I’m wasting away, and I don’t mind it one bit. I’ve been worse, and I’ve tried being better without much success.
It’s funny, I used to be so terrified that I wouldn’t achieve all of my dreams, that I wouldn’t become a writer or travel the world, that I would end up being the less than average nobody that everyone thinks I am. I would have anxiety attacks just thinking about that happening, but now here I am, pursuing a future of liver disease and suicide risk, and I couldn’t be more calm (which may have something to do with the 5th of vodka sitting next to me).
Oh, not to mention the drugs. In case being a severe alcoholic at the age of twenty isn’t bad enough, I’ve been doing OC again. Only about three times but I’m already planning on doing it more often. I’ve been hanging out with an old friend (provider of druggy-fun) of mine and she’s been addicted since we tried it out a few years back, so I definitely have a connection.
I’m not worried about getting addicted so much. I used to go through 5, 80mg pills in one afternoon back in the day, and that lasted for a year until I got bored of it and decided to quit. Actually I don’t think I have to worry about getting addicted to anything since I’ve got such a hard on for alchohol. I’m pretty sure I’ll never enjoy anything more than I enjoy getting drunk.
See what I mean? I’m talking about getting back into all the drugs and things I used to do and I feel normal. Like it’s nothing. Like I’m not turning away from my future (again). I’ve been on this road before, and I know exactly where it’s leading. I know I should keep trying to stick it out, like I always tell everyone else to do, but I’m tired of it. Most of the time I don’t feel like I have enough life in me to shower. Sure, I was getting my GED, but was my life getting better? No. Maybe it would’ve looked like it to everyone else, but I was still just as bad off as I’ve been. Worse even because the kind of effort it took to pretend to NOT be on the verge of a mental breakdown was enourmously draining. I’d be on the verge of hysterical tears by the end of each class.
If I don’t always have to feel such intense pain then I won’t. I refuse. After everything that’s happened in the short time I’ve been alive IÂ have the right to give up and break down like everyone else finds so easy to do. It’s so easy to be needy when nobody needs you.
I’m not in any danger of committing suicide, so you’re morally allowed to ignore this post. I’ve heard all the advice in the world anyway, hell, I’ve given most of it. I don’t want help. I just wanted the tiny sliver of comfort you get when you anonymously throw a piece of your soul into the black hole that is cyber space.
Besides, at this pace I’m sure the liquor, chainsmoking and drugs will finish the job soon enough. Sweet dreams to all and to all a goodnight.
9 comments
Hello
do you think you could grow beast enough to scare and or destroy the problems that are troubing you at the moment ? I mean it is possible to transform harden oneself in a way that your mind overwhelms the problems and you recover your original status of wellness without the need of potato liquour or cigarrets or drugs?
are all or part of the problems susceptible of being approched in a divide and conquer way ?
regards
do you think you could?
i just think you want someone to talk to. to hear you out, for someone to care about you. it’s not as if your blind to your abuse or struggles, you know what they are. maybe deep down you want to change them. that you want help. cause if you really didn’t, then you wouldn’t be looking for this site and sharing your story. having someone 2 listen is just the start.
Of course I want someone to talk to. I’ve got a whole little paragraph up there about how I’m only posting this for the comfort of throwing a part of myself into cyberspace. Everyone wants someone to know who they are. But none of you are going to be that person for me. Like a said, you’re just a sliver of comfort to get me through the day. Not saying I don’t appreciate it. I even welcome the advice, whether I need it or not, becuase it makes me feel less alone.
Doesn’t mean I’m not. I mean christ, this is a fucking website. None of this counts. None of it’s real. None of you could actually be here for me, just like I can’t be there for you, even if i wish I could.
Eh, I don’t think it would make a difference anyway. We all always end up doing exactly what we planned on doing in the first place, regardless of advice.
Yeah, I can “scare away” my substance abuse problems just fine. At least I did once before. The feelings always stay though, which is why I drink or do drugs or cut or whatever I feel like doing in the first place. I’ve tried just about everything short of putting myself in a mental home to get better.
The divide and conquer thing doesn’t work very well. I’ve done it to get through a day or two but I’m pretty sure these are problems that have to be fixed, not destroyed.
Might work if problems, issues and emotions had solid form.
Anyway it just takes time right? A nice long stretch of terrible days til you get to the good ones, unless everyone’s been lying. I have simply decided to pass my waiting period in a very comfortably numb haze.
oh, thanks for the advice.
Okay, are you doing the ‘bohemian artist’ thing??
I know cause I’ve been drawn to the same, at times… And it sucks to be my age and ‘have nothing to show for it’… (except tons of beginnings of books and stories and such..)
Do you think GED classes and ‘normality’ might mess with your creativity?
I really think that maybe reading Barbara Sher’s books could help you.. Or maybe it would trip you up? hmm.. It’s difficult to say.. I like Wishcraft and Refuse to Choose, though they haven’t been ‘definitive answers to everything’ either… Just sort of made sense of ‘this artist thing’…
And you write already, you’re a writer… You travel the world via interwebs… 🙂
Yeah, liver disease doesn’t sound fun, you know alcohol and drugs are messing with you already… Luckily you’re healthy enough to have been able to withstand damage so far.. I live near a chemical factory and have had chemical sensitivities since I was a kid, can’t even deal with alco proper, it messes me up too much..
You’re 20, so you still have so much ahead of you!!
A lot of my family members have been alcoholics, some of them are totally sober now, one has been for years.. so it’s possible.. He’s still a fun guy, a great guy really !!
There are other ways to deal with your feelings and change them… just sayin…
I’m not exactly sure what a bohemian artist is (other than another stupid trend) but no, that’s a bit off base. I’m not drawn to writing, it’s who I am. This isn’t a recent fad I’ve picked up along with some long sleeved striped shirts and hobo clothes that look like garbage but cost hundreds of dollars. No, I’m just who I’ve always been. A nobody who isn’t invisible enough to be a nobody. Fuck it. If I tried to explain anything about myself I’d sound like the most average human being ever created. Which I am. Along with the other half(s).
So, what exactly is a bohemian anyways?