Complete apathy

First some background: I am 22, come from a poor country, born into a large, realtively wealthy family (compared to the surroundings). In that sense, i am actually a very lucky person, having both financial and family support available to me. Never had close friends, or many friends at that (they were considered my friends mostly by others, as I never felt a strong connection to anyone, especially family) .

I always showed a “normal” face to everyone (again, including family), trying to approximate what they would expect my responses would be to any situation, so as to avoid letting anyone know what I think at any time) – my thinking is that no one must know what kind of person I am, which is part of my problem, my distrust of everyone, which even extends to myself (no self-confidence, and very bad memory).  I don’t know where I got this from, but I know I can never let go no matter what. In contrast, I remember being a very naive young child, often quite enthusiastic and far too trusting – maybe I learned my lesson along the way

This means I also never got close to a girl (even at my age), and am mostly too scared to try, since I also have many faults (not sexually attractive or gifted by nature in that area, can’t speak well, not funny, not bright,  not creative, and i’m missing a few i can’t think about right now), and that I usually am attracted to “my perfect women”,  who are usually out of my league . And even if they were attracted to me I know I  would always be suspicious of that, and would probably not accept it.

I sometimes think I am a psychopath from the things I think about (the weak/ugly/stupid/etc… should commit suicide for the good of everyone/salvage some dignity/be ), and other equally harsh thoughts, but then at other times catch myself feeling incredibly empathic  towards the same kinds of people… Don’t know what to think about that…

I can describe my teenage years as complete apathy for almost everything… Practically no emotions felt, none strong enough to motivate me towards anyways, just nothing, the absence of emotion has been the biggest influence in my life – which means I never did much. Also, I was never bullied. Neither was I physically abused anymore than some beating from time to time, but no more than my siblings. Definitely some emotional abuse by the parents, in very different ways, but i do not know why it has affected me so much more than my siblings, who are all okay now.

During school, I developed an appreciation for IT though, so started studying that later on at the university, only to realize that I had some limitations in my work, either in brain power (more difficulty grasping things than my classmates), or simply motivation due to general laziness. Could be both, since I have always been a  very lazy person, and the emphasis by my teachers and family on me being “smart”  even though I’ve had barely passable grades most of my life has made me suspicious that it’s just a way to not make me lose hope (which was basically useless, since I never felt much about my grades).

With all that said, to understand all of it, you need to know I tried suicide a few times (serious attempts though) about a year ago in a hotel, , failed, and was caught one of those times (lost consciousness too early). I actually felt a little relieved to have survived, for a while, then it was back to generalyzed apathy. After about 2 months in a hospital, lied about my reasons, and then was let go, and proceeded to get my life back on track (work, school). At first, the meds worked (or I believed they worked, can’t be really sure I didn’t imagine their effect), but that didn’t last.

Now, I have a fairly good job, with shit pay (although temporary due to immigration issues) but good colleagues and general work environment, and opportunities in the long term. The thing is, I am probably about to fail at school due to lack of work (lost interest), and the same about work, where it’s gotten too hard to hide my lack of enthusiasm (and rising incompetence although that may come from my below average intelect or me somehow stopping myself from performing), and I simply cannot concentrate enough anymore. In the near future, I see me getting fired, which means student debts (as my employer pays for my studies), and getting evicted from the country as I would then not have any reason to stay there if I am not a student anymore. This means having to go back to my home country, which is basically the equivalent of losing everything to me.

So I am pretty much going to end it all this weekend, hopefully  I will have the apartment all to myself  for a few hours (currently live with a family member) . Got some redundancy built into my new plan, which should help, as I am sure my doctor would not release me as quickly this time

I am writing all this here, as opposed to talking it over with someone, because of the fairly anonymous nature of this site, and the complete lack of trust I have in everyone, even psychiatrist. This more than anything  else is the reason for my decision, as I can no longer bear the loneliness I feel, even though I am the cause.

As for my family, well, there will probaby be some hurt feelings, internal disputes as to whose fault this was, but no major harm. I generally kept at a distance from them, so that should be a mitigating factor for most. My father will need an explanation for this, and blame my siblings and mother (pretty much an absentee father, but hey, can’t complain much about that, he has a shitty personality so his absence was always celebrated), and my mother, basically a professional victim, will be able to fully wallow in her grief.

I know i am forgetting a lot of things, but it’s late, need to sleep (since i don’t want my family to be suspicious, need to keep going to work and school). By the way, writing this has not made me feel better, or worse for that matter – hence the title. It’s a good way to summarize things to myself though, as a review of my decision.

Finally, a few questions:

-Do you guys know what I am going through, and is it some kind of medical condition?

-Also, What do you think about leaving a suicide note, even though I really will not explain to my family my reasons for commiting suicide, what else can I put in there?

-Does my reasonning make sense, considering I am the one harming myself?

PS: lots of “me, me, me” in here, but I have been thinking about this stuff for a while now, and I believe suicide is an important decision that must be made when one reaches a certain point – everybody has a limit. Since I am almost at that point for me, please don’t judge my decision, I already know it is the easy way out, but nonetheless it is appropriate to my situation as I have somehow allowed myself to have impossibly high standards for everything, but given myself limited means, and since I refuse to face reality, I know I will end up more dependent on others than I currently am. Which means in the long term, I help those around me and those I would have been a burden to in the future.

Edit: I already tried some “intermidiate steps to suicide” like self-harm, to relieve some pressure, basically by abusing my diabetes to punish myself (no repercussions for years, but then it’s loss of eye sight, and/or limbs)