Well I think I should tell you about myself a bit first. I’m 16 years old and I am an absolute loner. I have like only 2 real friends. I hate my family. I hate high school. I failed 2 courses my freshman year and I probably won’t graduate so I’ll probably just drop out it’s much easier. I think I’m the ugliest person that has ever been and will be on Earth. I just hate myself and my life. I was abused when I was about 6/7 years old. And my mind tried rejecting what happend to me for a long time. And then one day I thought well it happend so I shouldn’t make myself think it didn’t. And around that time is when I started thinking about how my life will go nowhere. I thought about God for sometime, but now I don’t think he exists because if he did I wouldn’t be where I am today. I cut my arms and legs and any part of my body, that I possible can without people noticing, all the time. I like to cut because I stop thinking. It takes my mind off of everything that is going on and gives me relief. I love how my cuts look too. I don’t mind the pain at all. I like it. I don’t want to live past my early 20’s. I don’t believe there’s a point to life. Like I want to know why are we here?? Just why? I just don’t want to live anymore. I want to kill myself. Sometimes I get very bad thoughts. Like killing myself brutally. With blood everywhere. I like blood. How it looks when it’s running on my skin. It’s warmth. I like how it looks, just the beautiful redness of it. That’s what life is made out of. I like that. I like when I cut and my cuts bleed just to watch it bleed. And then when they stop, make them bleed again. I also like to get high. I like to smoke weed and take pills and drink alcohol. I like how it makes me feel. I’ll get high off of anything I can get my hands on. Sleeping pills are my favorite because of the dazed out feeling. Like everything is still. And then weed makes you relax and not think about things I do when I’m sober, and my mind will wonder and I love that so much. And alcohol will make your body feel like you can do anything. And you’ll think you’re fine but you’re not and I like that. And all of them together is just like being on a cloud. You don’t have to think or do anything. Just be.
I hope to one day soon to take my life and not be remembered. I don’t want people caring about me because I don’t care about myself so they shouldn’t either. But when I die I don’t want to be burried I want my body to be burned. We all die someday. Some people just want to be able to be responsible for their death and know they made it.
6 comments
You’re right. Everybody dies someday. What you went through minus the use of drugs, I went through my teenage years. Now I’m in my early adulthood, 20 years old kiddo/teen. Things are starting to look alittle better, now that I have more freedom. The kind of freedom you can’t experiance when you’re 16. But that’s just it, you are 16. I know it doesn’t mean that you don’t understand pain. Nobody has to be an adult to know and feel what pain is. But you are young and you do have potential. Even if life gets you down you need to try to keep your chin up and persevere against all odds.
dyingmoon if dying is your choice then best of luck to you.
My friend, you are not alone nor is your fault for how you feel. It’s normal to be in denial about abuse. We like to pretend everything is hunky-dory. Hey, it’s hard to deal with. The upside is, the more you face your pain, and own it…really own it. It’s not about blaming anyone cause you are the symptom bearer and it doesn’t matter who’s fault it was. The goal is for you to feel better and go through the process of counseling and hashing out this stuff that’s buried in you. No one at 6/7 knows how to deal with abuse….so you got sold a bad bill of goods. Any negative feelings you have about you, did not come from you..they came from how someone else made you feel….you’re just carrying out what you were taught, and continue to do so….it’s completely normal.
At this point, the question you best ask yourself is, is this how I want to continue feeling? or do I want to take charge of all the reality of my situation and come out stronger? It’s very possible…challenging, definitely, but do-able. It comes down to your choice and intention to face it all. Our perceived weaknesses are our greatest strengths. You seem like a great person who’s been through the ringer. BTW most successful people never went to school. School is not a true reflection of any one person’s true ability to assert themselves in the world through their many gifts. When you discover how to love…I mean truly love who you are at the core, you can dismantle all the harm you experienced which in a strange and mysterious way is designed for you to discover the amazing treasure you are and the gifts you have the opportunity to explore.
Good luck.
I use to have the same feeling about life that you have right now. It seemed like this unbearable thing that I hated more and more. I did not have faith or love for anything. All that changed about a year ago. I had hit my rock bottom and proceeded to down sleeping pills with liquor. Then one day, after passing out, I had an experience where felt like I was leaving my body. I ended up in a place of gray and nothingness. As I looked around, I realized that I did not want to be there. When I opened my eyes after this experience, it was as if my eyes were open for the first time. This made me realize that God loves me, and I know he loves you too.
I agree with soft soul and umbra. My gosh, it may not look it, but there’s still a lot out there for you. I was never good in school either. Hell I never went to college, I was lucky to get a job at a broadcasting company on my high school cert alone, and I didn’t exactly graduate with high scores either. I was the youngest person working there at the time, and it was the best ten years of my life!
I thought I had nothing to live for at 16 either, which makes me feel like wuss because compared to what you went through being abused when you were younger, my childhood was normal. And all the verbal abuse shit my mom gives me every day, is really nothing compared to that.
You’re such a strong person and you made it this far. Give your self a chance.
Failing at school does NOT mean you fail at life, my friend. I am not putting down education no…but not all of us can be measured by such things.
I don’t know you but I do admire you from what I’ve read.
hey, dyingmoon, we should really talk, I should tell you something. please email me, nikkinoodle12@gmail.com, I really want to tell you, its not that important, but if you want to email me please do..
and yeah, I agree with the whole blood stuff you said.
Thank you all for reading this I really appreciate it, I really do. But for me, I just don’t want to live at all. Thank you again, and for everything that you have said. It means a lot to me.