i’ve never told ppl these things not even in blogs so this is so weird but i feel like i might explode if i keep it in any longer.
it all started in 8th grade when i was 13…thats when everything hit me at once. between family issues and isolation from friends my past came and bit me in the soul. i changed. it started as carving things in my arm, but then i carved deeper each time. i liked it. i enjoyed the pain, for some reason it would relax me…..for a short time anyways.
since i was 13 i always wanted my life to endbut wat kills me is i always find a way to stay. sit on the edge but never jump, i never cut too deep. my issues got worse and worse. i got in an abusive relationship but i loved him….and he broke my heart. family issues got worse now…..now im turnin all my problems and feelings into hate and blaming everything on my mother.
she tried to put me away, to see therapists. she seemed to care, but i no she never did. she just hated the way it made HER look to others.
my parents were divorced so my dad never new i was suicidal until i told him in person 1 yr ago….he just let the info dissapear but when i told him he strangled me and said he’d kill me before i tried to commit suicide again.
i feel so weak…constantly torn apart by my dad. i feel im in a dead end relationship w/ my boyfriend. no one nows i still feel this way they think i’m fine, happy and that nothing is wrong.
i think parents just tell themselves that cuz they dont want to face the truth.
the only way i can b cured of this is if by some miracle i die it doesn’t matter how just let t b soon.when i moved i thought things would b better but they just got worse.
evrything is just eating away at me and i need to no when it will fully consume me. i plan to be dead before that happens.
how long will i feel alone and unwanted??