Time

A year has now passed since the worst day of my life. The day my sister walked into my room, holding the phone and crying. My initial reaction was that my parents had died as they were driving home from out of town at the time. Whenever I look back on that day I always wonder if it might have been better if that initial thought had been true.  But it wasn’t, and now I’m stuck living without one of my closest friends, because he decided to end his own life.

The guilt is unbearable. The sadness holds me down. But the worst part of it all is the depression that I’m living under. I’m not sure anyone really gets just how I feel, because I am so incapable of talking to anyone about it. I was able to talk to my girlfriend about it a little bit, and I was getting better, but then she left me, making me even more depressed, and with a massive hole in my already tenuous support system. I feel like everything is slipping away from me in my life, everything that’s truly important anyways.

Suicide has never really been a serious option for me, I’ve only really had a couple instances where I wanted it, and even now, I know I’m not going to kill myself today, tomorrow, or even next week. But I find myself wondering if it might start to become an option down the road.

It feels like I succeed in everything I do. Everything except that things that make life worth living, that is. I’ve been tested for intelligence, and been deemed a genius, I finished my first year of university with first class standing, and I didn’t even have to apply myself that much. I’m a pretty talented musician, I play the violin at a university level, and I can play a few other instruments pretty well also. I have a group of close friends who are really great people, yet I’m unable (unwilling maybe) to talk to them about how I feel. I’ve been asked by a few of them before if I’m doing alright, because they can tell that I’m down, but I just tell them I’ll be fine and I’m just going through a rough patch. And who knows, maybe that’s all it is. It’s just been a really long rough patch, and it’s only getting worse. I’m completely socially incompetent. I can’t make new friends or meet new people unless I’m not sober and with my friends.

Even the friends I have, it feels like they’re slipping away. Pretty much the only time I ever see my best friend is if we’re getting high. I’ve tried to reconnect with my ex because I feel comfortable talking to her, but she was quite clear that she had no interest in being a part of my life any longer. I’ve never been close with my parents. It’s not like it’s a bad relationship, they’re great, and I love them and I know they love me, we’ve just never been that close, and so there’s no way I’d ever talk to them about this kind of stuff first. And it’s pretty much the same with my brother, great person, and I’d consider him a good friend to me, but we just don’t talk about stuff like that. The only person I have left is my sister, and I’ve tried to talk to her sometimes, but I never see her it seems, because I work days and she works nights. Whenever I need her there she’s unavailable, and the few times I do see her, it’s not when I need it, and I can’t muster up the courage to mention anything.

I’m not entirely sure why I wrote this, and I know it’s far too long and rambling, but I just felt like I needed to get it out. I wish I could tell the people close to me all of these feelings, because they’re the ones that I really need help from, but I can just never seem to be able to do it, so this will have to do.