the ugly tree

ok i feel alittle better now i can go on……….i know this is supost to be about suicied im just sharing where all my hate and worthlessness came from i want my storie to be heard. so as time goes on i started making my own friends and living my own little bt of child hood except when it came to my friends always wondering why i always spent the night at there house but never had them spend the night at mine. i lost alot of friends cause they thought i was weird and that i must not have liked then cause i never had them ever come over to my house. so now my moms this badass biker chick always at the bar with her friends never home but when she was it was pure hell. the hitting and down talk never ended. some hoe some why my mother met some guy that was in prison. so every weekend we would all drive to walla walla and us kids would be droped of at sait joseifs house while she would go to trailer visits. that went on for over a year every weekend samething dropped off while she replaced my dad. buy then my mom started selling drugs and knew she had to move away from her mothers house cause she had no idea what she was doing. so we moved to tacoma. and thats when things got worse then i could of ever imagained.so now where living in a two bedroom trailer us three kids in one room and my mom. as time goes on she took us to walla walla to attend her  and this guys wedding thats right they got married in prison. well now time for a new school and it was kinda nice there were alot of other poor kids so i made alot of friends and they interduced me to a new way of living weed and alcahol. and i was no longer the one being picked on it was the rich kids that came to our poor school. so a short time later this man gets out of prison and moves in my mother registers us all inschool under a different name then what it really was. anyways this guy was how do i put this reallllly big scary and evil. he had just done 17 years in prison. so now it goes a little somthing like this she beats us my older brother beats me he beats us and then goes and beats her. cant you feel the love pfftttt. now he is running cocain thrugh the house and driving it back and fourth between here and cali and he use to take my older brother with him show him guns and drugs then he asked my brother if he could adopt him and have him become his son so my brother said yes and changed his name. at this time we are starting to see my dad more often but its all the same thing not really spend anytine with us but buy us all kinds of stuff trying to buy our love. needless to say one day my mom got tiered of being beat all the time by her badass man. i couldnt help but smile when i head him beating her it gave me plesure so much pleasure. so she has him go down to the bar to make a sale and she called the cops on him so now he is in prison for the rest of his life. that whaen she got even worse again like it was our fualt why everything happened and we paid in skin and blood and alot of pain. so here comes the first evil that comes out of me. my mother would allways yell and hit us with whatever she could get into her hand and she always made me cook for her and serve it to her in bed and it better be the way she liked it or eles. back to the evilness at first i contaplated suicide then i realized i can just kill her and life would be better right. so one day i took a box of rat poison and stuck it in her pancakes i made them great that day exactly the way she liked them. she ate them but didnt die just got really really sick. i thought for shure she would have known and beat me senceless. but she never did. she finally gets tiered of my older brothers shit so she throws him out of the house at 13 now its me my mom and mylittle brother. my perfect as turned into straight fs in no time school was just a place to meet up with my friends so we could go get drunk or stoned. then my mom discovered meth. now she had a new habbit the beatings got worse she would even hit my friends when they came over so they wouldnt come over anymore. so now we are living in a tweeker house. when iwas almost 14 my mom was being all nice and was like i know you smoke weed and asked me if i wanted to try somthing better. she pulled out a glass pipe and that was when my worthless life got even worse. so now i quit going to school cause i had been kicked out but my mom didnt know yet. getting high with my mom and her friends then one day i had just gotten out of rameinhall and my little brother didnt want me there told me to get out of his house so i punched him over and over then my mom came in and started hitting me and my brother. i guess he finally got fed up with it and called her a dumb *****. i will never forget the look on her face when he said the i could see the fire burning in her mind. that night my my beat him so bad until he was in a ball and her fists hurt so she picked up a computer power cord and went back on him until she got tiered after that my little brother had called my dad and he came and picked him up. and thanks to my my i was all tweeked out and my dad could see that. i will never forget the things he said to me that day. i care not to write them either but it made me feel like i was just a worthless and very very unwanted. now its just me and my mom i started going to another school in a diffrent district cause i had to. so here i am again a poor kid in a rich school it started all over again but now i was more grown up and had already had my ass beat by my mom so no 2 even 3 of these guys were going to hurt me so when they tried beating me up i smashed them and smashed them i had so much anger built up for so many years. so i got into some trouble ended up getting kicked out of that school to. one day my mom was just tiered of me ans came into my room and told me to pack my clothes and get out of her house i said fine and started packing. she then came in my room and started hitting me and throwing my stuff everywhere then yeld at me to hurry up and get out of her house so she left my room so i started packing my stuff agian and she came in swinging again just puching be. i started getting very angery and tierd of her hitting me something come over me i grabbed hed and pussed her out of my room and as i closed the door she kicked it open in my face spliting my head open my instant reaction was to punch and keep punching until she was done well i was punching my bedroom door until i realized her figer was in the door. yes i had cut her finger off in the door. now all the sudden she want and needs me said i needed to drive her to the hospital i told her fuck off and find her own way and left. i walk to the store and called the cops i stood in the snow for over an hour waiting for him we then went back to the house and he let me get my clothes and leave and told me not to come back. here i am 14 living on the streets with nothing and no one. one day i met this girl and she was telling me about her aunt and said she takes all kinds of pills . so i became her friend just until i could met her aunt needless to say i was feeling worthless alone forgoten like a piece of trash just thrown away. so i finally got to me her aunt and one day she left so i went in to her room and opened every bottle of pills she had and ate them all while i was almost done her niece walked in and seen me so i pushed passed her and ran down the street and jumped about 20 feet into the sticker bushes so i could die. things started to get a little weird in my head from all the pills alls i remember is an elderly man came in got me and carried me to his house to call the ambulance . i remember him saying why so young why? i think i flat lined 20 or 30 times that night and fell into a coma when i woke to my suprise my mom and my dad were there all the sudden the love me and care right. and i told the hospital that i did not want to leave with either one of them so it was aranged that i could live with a friends mom. after that i had to attened classes and stuff one day while getting a ride there i feel asleep and woke up in oregon being brought to a place that wasnt very nice… ok im done