I guess i shouldn’t write a whole story about my life, it’s not really worth telling not in this time anyway, Every day has become a Dream of death i’m finally starting to formulate a plan i think i can stick to,I’m sorry if this depresses anyone or makes you feel ill, but my story is not a happy one and this is the saddest part, How i give up.
Sometimes i think about things in life and they seem so fucking beautiful but they are so god damned tragic also, i wish i didn’t see things this way cause i feel the pain of the entire world, i can’t carry it anymore…i’m not really on great terms with god but my prayers lately have been for the mercy of death and perhaps in doing so someone somewhere who Deserves to live should get another chance…idk, stupid i know, but such is my life a truck load of bullshit headed towards a cliff rigged with explosives. I could have done alot sure maybe, i could have been some kind of doctor or something i have always tried to help people my whole life and it usually goes like this i help you, you take my help you use me abuse me then we part ways, hey i tried but when the sadness creeps upon me and i feel trapped in and there is no way out, sure enough i look around and Nobody is there….but they wouldn’t understand my insanity anyways.
The one thing i would have to say is keep your fucking chins up my friends there is most definitely hope for most of you reading this, just not for the one who writes it i know i am an eternal hypocrite and it disgusts me, i just want to choke and die, and hey maybe i’ll get lucky and die of natural causes and that way i’ll be spared the moral/ethical bullshit that goes along with planning your own demise, if you can relate to any of this you are like me the finest people around that just fell into a hole one sunny day for no reason and my friends have all gone away…everyone does so in the end there was no one to send the rope down for me, like i have so many times for so many people.
the best thing i could ever hope for is that when this is all over i can find some kind of peace in the afterlife and well if there is none….I’ll imagine heaven before it all goes quiet.
6 comments
I feel where you are coming from dukk65… For the last 20 years (2/3s of my young life) I’ve played the “dear god, take my life” game… Depending on how things are going the prayers change in frequency but they are always in the back of my mind. Itoo have offered my life in exchange for those I deep more deserving, including my father after he passed away a few years ago. Hell, I’ve made a little tradition for each of my last 18 birthdays and christmas’ where thats really all I ask for… And it never fails, I wake up the next day with the Sun shining and the pain starting all over again.
I can’t tell you why prayers like ours are never answered… Maybe God/Fate/whom(what)ever truely has a greater plan in mind for us… Maybe they are pricks and just like to see some of us suffer sometimes or maybe we are just here by ourselves on this planet and after we die, that’s the end of things and we enter into that beautiful, peaceful, eternal slumber.
You should try (yes I know it’s extremely hard when things look as dark and cold as they do sometimes) to follow your own advice and keep your chin up… Life isn’t fair… I’m sure we all know that… we see it enough times every day. What life is though is renewing and forgiving… Each day we wake up there is that chance we can try to make it a good day and when things seem to be falling apart around you, try to think of one happy thing in your life… you dont need many… just one… a pet, a child, a loved one… even a beautiful place you visited or saw in a book or on TV. I like to think of my Cat. (kinda sad but I kinda feel like he’s the closest thing to a little boy that I’ll ever have. That cuts me deeply to think that but then i look at his warm, orange eyes and know that at least he’s here with me and that I’d be lost without him).
Anyway I’ve been rambling so I do apologize… I just wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone in how you feel…. Apparenlty someone somewhere things your life isn’t worth trading for someone else’s… We are all worthy of the little time we have here. We just have to try to make of it what we can and help others do the same when we are able to. Stay strong DUKK65
Think it’s a bit past that for me res. I’m know now that one day (sooner than later) i will die and when that day comes it will be me who chooses it and carries out the execution, Like i was saying in my post the greatest hope for me is that after this is all said n done i can find some sort of peace or relief, but sometimes i wonder if this is the kind of life i was meant to live like a test you know? cause everyday i survive another day every time i resist the urge to blow my brains out is like passing a test unfortunately one that starts over again.
I don’t know what to say, just that I read and understand what you are feeling.
I find myself in a deep hole myself, sinking deeper and deeper. One day, hopefully, I’ll find the courage to just end it.
So tired of this life… So tired of everything. Desperation has seized me so many times. I don’t want to despair like I did a few months ago.
I remember crying myself to sleep (something I have never done before) one day in April and thinking to myself “I can’t take it anymore, I’m hurting too much, tomorrow is my last day”.
It pains me to remember the feeling of pure desperation, something very few people ever experience. To know I would have completely destroyed my mom’s life, even though at the time I had given up on caring.
yes there is certainly nothing quite like a bit of uncontrollable crying is there? but what most people don’t realize is that when someone has this happen it isn’t because they just need a cry it’s more because there is something so painful in mind,body, or soul that they break down and that is how it comes out but there is a great amount of mental pain/distress behind it….something most people never get. I wish they had like an AA for people who wanted to die or had “mental issues” it would be a better support system than what i currently have which is flipping through my phone wanting to call someone and then realizing i can’t possibly burden any of these people with my issues they are too great.
“Sometimes i think about things in life and they seem so fucking beautiful but they are so god damned tragic also,”
You have it right there. It’s life. It’s possibility. I know now, writing from the hospital, that I can’t tell you, express to you in writing, this realization and it’s implications.
But I can tell you that she left me because I did it. And my dad found me. And I’ve jeopardized the things I want to live for
It’s not the saddest thing at all. The weight of the world is a bucket and the guilt is the water that fills it. You’re slowly drowning yourself.
Stand up!
Yes i suppose i could stand up and not drown but then the cycle would just start again, and i’m so friggin tired….