I am successful in life. I am educated with a prestigious job, have lots of friends, relatively healthy (under the influence of pysch meds), a great family, and a semi-flawed boyfriend. I’ve got everything I need in life. I am the envy of my friends and cousins.
Little do they know that I have this massive self-loathing and a perpetual wish to kill myself. It never goes away. Even when I am working or out with friends, I would picture throwing myself in a busy road or taking all the pills and capsules I could find. But I know the latter does not work too well, having attempted to swallow a cocktail of aspirins, benzos, seroquels, and other stuff.
I work in the medical field. It’s ironic that I work to save lives and having such hate for my own life. I enjoy what I do. I feel exhilirated whenever a life is saved. Nightly though, I pray I don’t wake up.
When I remember my trip to the ER for overdose, I felt such a freedom I’ve never felt before. As I waited for my demise, I felt happiness. I openly told people I would like to be left alone to die. Of course, they thought I was nuts. IVs were inserted; 2 on my left arm and 1 on the right. I loved the feeling of being poked that I was watching them intently. I didn’t mind the pain. I welcomed the pain. I’d rather feel the pain of being poked by these needles than feel the pain of living.
Next time, I won’t overdose. I’ll try something else. Maybe I’ll jump in front of the subway train but I don’t want to be an inconvenience to the commuters so maybe something else. At this point, I just want to stop living. Stop everything. Stop all the bullshit life brings.
14 comments
where r u from?
Toronto
3 trips to the ER made no difference. It solidified my suicidal tendencies, if anything.
Maybe a scalpel 15 is worth a shot. I hate anything messy but I am out of options.
i just have one question. what do you mean when you say i hate all the bullshit life brings. i find it interesting that a person with everything as you say you do, hates life. i mean y are you unhappy. were you abused, in a car crash, beaten, raped. i am just curious is all. Y?
I wish I could tell you why I’m like this.
I was never abused or treated badly. My life was as peachy as it gets. I have an amazing life. Never had to worry about a damn thing because my folks provided me with everything I could possibly need.
Unfortunately, it just happened to me. Bipolar chose me.
Wow. Apart from the succesful career etc. that was almost like hearing my own story described.
I’m sorry you’re in the dumps. 🙁
Were you suicidal before medication? My own self-loathing has escalated ever since I started Seroquel years ago. But maybe that’s just me…
I’ve been suicidal since I was 13. I started with self-mutilation. Like I carved images on my skin using a pocket knife.
Being successful doesn’t mean anything. You can still be successful and be fucked up like I am. It’s a good facade but as soon as I am home I feel like I am nothing but a waste of space and air.
I started seroquel in April. I’m up to 350 mg of the XR but I have my emergency stock of the regular ones in case an episode comes creeping. I find that I am starting to abuse these emergency regular seroquel.
I didn’t realize that I hate myself until recently. Before, I just hated the rules and restrictions to life but a good friend of mine told me once that I must really hate myself to have attempted to kill myself 8x
I got a friend goin into the medical field and now I’m kinda scared to let her do it.
I think the fact that I deal with the sick and the dying amplified my mental illness. But I’m sure this doesn’t happen to everyone who goes into the medical field.
i dont mean anythin offensive by it but the idea of havin three IVs even jus watchin that happen must suck, maybe not for you tho. i ahte needles like no other.
It actually didn’t suck. Well, I was so out of it when I arrived in the ER so I didn’t feel anything. Seeing all the needles in felt so liberating in a weird way.
I’ve used needles to stab (induce pain) myself a few times I was feeling so awful. It’s not so bad.
Life just plain sucks doesn’t it..? Bipolar eh? Well, I have a mental illness too. Can’t say for privacy reasons. Hah, and my parents want me to be a psychotherapist. As if a successful career will automatically make me happy and make me stop wanting to kill myself.
born…shoot me an email pauld891@gmail.com Am from Toronto. Thanks.
I understand it is something you look forward too, like a good cup of coffee. I do not feel depressed or even sad , just want out of the hassle of life.