Does anyone want to end their live but just does not want to hurt the ones around them? I tried to commit suicide 5 years ago at the age of 17. I was really depressed and just wanted out. Needless to say it did not take and I am still here.
My brother died 3 years ago accidentally and I saw my family devastated by it. I don’t think I could put them through that with a suicide. But I would love nothing more than to die. I know there is something wrong with me psychologically, but I cannot figure out what. I am attractive and pretty smart and only 22, but I have no confidence and just think life is pointless. I don’t have all that bad of a life: family, friends, a decent standard of living. I feel bad because people have it such worse than I do! and yet I still hate myself. Does anyone feel this way? What’s the point? I cannot fathom living this life for 60 more years. I wish I could just go and have no one notice. Someone please tell me they can relate. I feel so alone.
7 comments
I can relate, swimmer. Two and a half years ago was my last suicide attempt. During that time all I could think about was how much I wanted death, how much I wanted to kill myself, and yet at the same time there were people I loved that I would rather live than hurt. Admittedly only about two people, but for me it was enough. I found a way to live, for them if not for me, especially since I lost both of those people because of my depression.
I think when we look at the sheer amount of time we are expected to remain on this earth, we can easily get overwhelmed. Don’t think about living for sixty years; think about living for the next week, or the next year, whatever you can manage. What is important is that you get through the here and now. And five years is a long time. I suspect you know that this sadness isn’t going to last forever. We can use those times when glimmers of happiness hit us to keep us going for the next bunch. 🙂 If that makes sense.
My question is, why is it so hard to cope with life? I mean, it is most certainly doable if we put our minds to it, but it takes effort, and on my lower days I just want to curl up and cry, I don’t want to make the effort that it would take to bring me back up again. I know I can do it, I’m just too tired….
Perhaps gaining another outlet to help alleviate some of these feelings? Like writing, drawing, painting, singing, making music, going for walks, calling a friend, riding a bike, etc. There are endless possibilities. Also, are you getting any kind of therapy? Does your family know?
Take care, be safe ♥♥ Everything will turn out better in the end.
I’m on the same boat. I’m 20 and about 4 months ago had everything planned to go out. I went to go do it and had a last second (short term) change of heart. I still want to do it though. I’ve got it great, college paid for, good health, friends and the such, but life has no value. It just seems easier to die. For a while after seeing the pain in my parents following my aborted suicide I thought I could put up with life, but now a while later, I don’t think I’ll wait more than maybe a year. selfish or not, it’s my life and I won’t stick around just to make someone happy.
“pools of sorrow waves of joy” -Beatles. too cheesy? Anyway I’m in my mid- forties and attempted suicide at 16 and 19. I’ve been through a lot of mental torment. I can still relate to your wanting to die. But I’m not so lacking in empathy and just not that selfish. And there’s the guilt for just feeling this way. Weaker people have endured worse things. I mean bad things happened to me and I’ve done some terrible things but I still feel really lucky to be around. Shyness and lack of confidence are things that can be overcome. You don’t even need to see anyone about it. There’s a book called “shyness: what it is and what to do about it” it helped me be a little more assertive. Counseling helped to different degrees through my twenties but not nearly as much as just staying busy, staying in shape and keeping in touch with family and friends.
I just want to let you know that I don’t know any of you but I have taken all of your comments to heart. No one knows of my feelings, and it is nice to get feedback so thank you very much.
I don’t think my suicidal thoughts stem from my lack of confidence, but rather my lack of confidence stems from my suicidal thoughts. I feel worthless. I dont have a feeling of self-pity. I don’t feel sorry for myself and I don’t want others to either. I have a feeling of self-loathing. I just want to tell everyone that would be upset with my death that they shouldn’t! Why would they be sad? I don’t add much value to even my closest family member’s lives. It’s horrible that I think this but I just want to say, “sorry but I’m miserable so why should I have to stick around!”. that is me just thinking selfishly. What I really feel is that I could never do that to my parents and siblings. I wish so bad that I could.
I hate complaining about this and I feel as though that is why I don’t talk about this with anyone. People in Africa are starving; people in the middle east are being blown up; babies in Asia are treated like animals; women in Afghanistan are treated like 2nd class citizens; gays around the world don’t have the right to marry. So what should a middle class, college educated white boy have to ***** about. I wish I could give my oppurtunity to some lost soul. They deserve it!
Hey…I think when we’re suicidal we have this suspicion that we don’t completely want to die–it’s about ending the pain and dying is a last resort–and as a result, we use every excuse to beat ourselves up and bring ourselves down…I hated myself for all of the horror I was causing just by being alive. But I learned that because overall I have so many opportunities in this life, I should make the best of them. It wasn’t about me, it was about how I could use my opportunities to help others, to better the lives of others, and therefore better my own life in the process.
I fully believe you have the ultimate choice, but I also fully believe that hating yourself is not a reason to die. However, it is a reason to make a major life change. Things will *always* get better–I can promise this. But you have to try. You have to find ways to turn your life around. And it’s gonna be hard and take some effort, but you can do it. I know you can. 🙂
literally I was about to make my own entry, and it would of sounded exactly like this. EXACTLY. The only thing keeping me from doing it is my family and knowing what it would do to them. I don’t know what to do about it. The only thing I’ve come up with is too just slowly talk to them less, you know distance myself from them. Then eventually I think they’ll think of me less and less and once I’m to that point its a clear shot. But hey if you wanna talk shoot me a message.
I am in exactly the same situation as you, except I’m twenty one. My life is going fantastically, but I just don’t want to be in it. I have no reason to feel like this; I have no right to want to die — and this makes me hate myself more. My family and friends are what is stopping me from going because I can’t bear the thought of the pain it would cause them. This is extremely annoying. I’m not living because I want to be here, I’m only living for them. I wish I just didn’t care, or that they wouldn’t care.
This is a cliched suggestion, but if you want some good reading, grab a copy of The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. It’s her story of being young and successful and attractive and depressed by the pressure of it all. It’s exactly our story, written in a beautiful, witty, hilarious, comforting way.